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Kids these days

The Phantom, 1/27/06

Holy smokes, the situation with the Phantom’s kids is worse than I thought. It’s bad enough that Heloise (Heloise?) wants to turn this Jungle Trek into some sort of sleepover party, with a pup tent, an inflatable mattress, and a battery-powered PlayStation; Kit, on the other hand, is worried that he’s going to cramp up. What a pathetic pair. This is what comes of Bangalla’s transition to peaceful, modern democracy: they may be living in the jungle, but the twins’ tribal guardians have kept them as sheltered as any neurotic, play date-happy suburbanites. Good luck turning them into spandex-clad crime fighters, O Ghost.

Hopefully the Phantom will shake these two out of their self-absorbed little bubbles before they become mired in the endless tedium of first-world angst-ridden post-teen romance:

Luann, 1/27/06

Yeah, you know what a peck on the cheek in front of 200 people is, Brad? It’s yet more messing around with your head. Get out now while you can, for the love of God!

52 responses to “Kids these days”

  1. Seaweed
    January 27th, 2006 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    Ok, what did I miss here? Kit and Heloise are living in a house with grass mats and fire pits, and they don’t know how to go camping? Did they just get here? Are they new?

  2. Tracey
    January 27th, 2006 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    Wow, people still read Luann? I thought we’d grown past that as a society.

  3. katya
    January 27th, 2006 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    Is there a recurring motif of the women of Luann being teases? I guess it’s not so much a motif when it only involves two characters – Toni and Luann. When you think about it, Toni is just a blond playing hard-to-get like Luann… maybe it means Brad really just wants to bang his sister.

  4. Tommyp
    January 27th, 2006 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    It’s a good thing Brad’s wearing a dark suit. This way, Toni won’t notice his little itty-bitty wet spot.

  5. BassoGap
    January 27th, 2006 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    Didn’t Brad have a thing for the girl-next-door, back when he was in HS? Actually dated her for a bit, too, as I recall.

    Anyone remember what happened with her?

    Yeah, I know: she’s buried in TJ’s basement, which is where Toni/Bernice/Delta are headed, too, eventually…

  6. Dark Star
    January 27th, 2006 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    What’s up with the Purple Guy’s kids. They are both blonde and look like they came from Scandinavia. Meanwhile “Mrs. Walker” has blue-black hair. I think the kids might be the obny blondes on the Island. Maybe he should do a paternity test. On second thought, maybe he already has the results of said test and the trip will end in some sort of freakish “accident”, if you get my drift.

  7. rich
    January 27th, 2006 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    They must not have strict child-protection laws in Bangalla if Phatman is allowed to order his kids to make a forced, all-night run to “Phantom Head.” Meanwhile Guran flashes a sadistic grin, knowing the kids probably won’t return, and he’ll be the next “Li’l Phantom”.

  8. Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
    January 27th, 2006 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    We don’t know the color of O-GWW*’s hair, if indeed he has any. At least, I cannot remember it being shown, even when he has appeared as O-Mr. Walker*. It could be yellow.

    What is also strange is that he must be in disguise at a family dinner. Even if he’s in the presence of the Bandars, what difference would it make to them to know the appearance of his face and hair? The spandex reveals more about his identity than the mask and hood conceal, unless there are other steroid-enhanced freaks running about the jungle.

    *for the O-Ghost Who Walks

  9. rich
    January 27th, 2006 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    Steroid-enhanced, white, circumcised, with one undescended testicle. Dude – that spandex is way too tight.

  10. Mary Brandt
    January 27th, 2006 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    This whole Brad and Toni thing is dragging on so long that it’s becoming painful. Of course, we all know that the second it wraps up, there will once again be nothing interesting in “Luann”.

    …Not to say that there ever was.

    -MB

  11. Franklin
    January 27th, 2006 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    I’d never encountered The Phantom until I stumbled into this den of iniquity, so perhaps the name of his son has already been revealed. But if not, I sure hope it’s “Abelard.”

  12. Some Guy Here
    January 27th, 2006 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    In regards to The Phantom, let me please be the first to say wtf?

  13. Zorba the Geek
    January 27th, 2006 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    #9: “Steroid-enhanced, white, circumcised, with one undescended testicle. Dude – that spandex is way too tight.”

    rich, you simply MUST issue a “spew alert” before saying something so funny. That was great! And congratulations to Natural Medicine (of Humor) Man for COTW honors! And back to the Phantom- does Diana even know what he looks like under the mask? I can’t imagine getting intimate in the bedroom with a spandex-clad, masked guy, but, hey, if she’s into kinky, who am I to say anything? A little B&D here, a little S&M there, costumes, spandex, whips, masks, boots…..whatever. (I think he’s bald, actually, that’s why we never see his hair. He’s ashamed of the lack thereof. Rogaine™ hasn’t made it to the jungle yet, apparently.)

  14. Dan Perducci
    January 27th, 2006 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    It’s official – ‘Greg’ is changing the name of ‘Luann’ to ‘Brad.’

    It’s going to revolve around the comings (ha!) and goings at the local fire stations.

    Don’t worry about Luann, though. She’s going to develop a crush on Dirk. That way, we don’t have to worry about any more far-fetched storylines regarding Aaron Hill. Come on, how many people win trips to Hawaii – which happens to be the place where their lifelong crush moved to?

    Later in the strip, Dirk kills Gunther for no apparent reason other than Gunther’s constant flopsweating around Luann. Delta and Bernice get their own show on the UPN (Soon to be the CW).

    Luann’s parents will only show up whenvever Greg finds the need for comic mischief caused by allergic reactions to pets.

    The big question – Will Brad get any? Get real! This ain’t For Better of For Worse? He’ll have to settle for third base in the back of the fire engine.

  15. hacky
    January 27th, 2006 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    Quoth Josh:
    Yeah, you know what a peck on the cheek in front of 200 people is, Brad? It’s yet more messing around with your head. Get out now while you can, for the love of God!

    So true!

    Thankfully, tomorrow we find out that Dirk is (again) hiding in the back seat. Drama ensues.

    Brad (again) defends Toni’s honor and settles (again) for a peck on the cheek.

  16. Dark Star
    January 27th, 2006 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

  17. Dark Star
    January 27th, 2006 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    #8
    Here’s a hatless view of the jet setting “Mr. Walker”

    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20050909&name=Phantom

  18. Power of 1000 Lemons
    January 27th, 2006 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    I feel like we might have to give the writers of the Phantom some credit here – the kids seem almost preposterously modern, a contrast to the way the Phantom strip in general is pretty much of a relic (his need to get “online” notwithstanding). It doesn’t read like a “kids these days” joke, though, more like they’re playing along with the strip’s ancient origins. At least I’d like to think so.

  19. Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
    January 27th, 2006 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    Well, well… blond twins from two dark haired parents. I suppose it’s possible, but I can’t think of any families like that. At least, none with both biological parents in the home.

    Course, he could just be using Grecian Formula on grey hair. He is about 400 years old.

  20. plankface
    January 27th, 2006 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    I was mixed up for a while and thought the Phantom’s daughter was that blond chick who had the hots for him that he had to use the strong Bandar medicine on a while back. Anyone?

  21. Zorba the Geek
    January 27th, 2006 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    #19: Chet, blond is recessive, dark hair dominant. Both parents can carry the “blond” gene and still be dark-haired, but have blond kids.

  22. Zorba the Geek
    January 27th, 2006 at 7:36 pm [Reply]

    And never mind the hair color, how old are these kids? He’s taking them out, no gear except their “wits,” to run all night? Sounds like child abuse to me. Oh, wait, I forgot- they’re “in training” to be the next Phantom (and Pantomette?) And there’s no Child Welfare workers in the jungle, anyway.

  23. Woodrowfan
    January 27th, 2006 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    damn, I knew a woman like that when I was younger. drove me nuts. Brad is going to have to learn the hard way…

  24. Islamorada Girl
    January 27th, 2006 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    Brad will never get any. Luanne will never get any.
    Sad, isn’t it?

  25. FleaBailey
    January 27th, 2006 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    Wilbur’s combover in MW is literally killing me by degrees.

  26. Mr. Pink
    January 28th, 2006 at 12:07 am [Reply]

  27. Mr. Pink
    January 28th, 2006 at 12:08 am [Reply]

  28. rich
    January 28th, 2006 at 2:56 am [Reply]

    I’d like to second Zorba’s kudos to Natural Medicine (of Humor) Man, for COTW…it made me laugh all over again.

    It is strange that the Phantom would relax around the house, with his family, still wearing his mask and skintight hood…that’s dedication. (Or perhaps just an overpowering fetish. And now he’s grooming his son to follow suit — “Dad! I don’t want to put on the S&M mask…!”)

    20 – I too was mixed up for a while – I thought the Phantom’s son was that blondehaired young “Rex” from the Sunday strip.

    As for Luann…sorry, folks, I’ve got nothing. I may have been suckered into reading A3G, GT and JP but I still have yet to read a single Luann strip all the way through. All right, except for the week they were in costume at that fantasy convention…for obvious reasons. (Could someone give a quick summation of the main relationships in the strip, for us non-followers? It all seems a bit complicated.)

  29. Minivet
    January 28th, 2006 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    “We just ate” — cramps, or cliche-nausea?

    19: I’m like that, actually. It’s a dirty blond color, but all my parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents have or had brown hair. (There’s some great-great-grandmother called “Goldie” I’m believed to have gotten it from.)

  30. anonymous
    January 28th, 2006 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    #19 – My brother has brown hair and his wife is of semi-Arab descent, curly black hair. Of their three kids, one boy is a clone of her and the other boy and girl are both natural golden blonds. The whole family is stunning looking, IMO.

  31. bubujin
    January 28th, 2006 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    You all will have to check out today’s (28 Jan) Phantom strip. Notice her cheery smile and wave as the children run off. No motherly concerns here. Nope.

    Mrs. GWW* is thinking, “At last! The little brats have run off with Mr. Walker. Now for some quality time with Guran and a chance to get freaky with the Bandar!”

    * for the Ghost Who Walks

  32. nicepersonality
    January 28th, 2006 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Nah, Mrs. Walker* is just looking forward to an evening alone with Johnny Walker**.

    * (for “Spouse-of-Ghost-Who-Walks”!)
    ** (for “Mid-Shelf Blended Scotch Whisky”!)

  33. 2fs
    January 28th, 2006 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    #23: “damn, I knew a woman like that when I was younger. drove me nuts. Brad is going to have to learn the hard way…” I’m pretty sure Brad’s quite familiar with “the hard way” where Toni’s concerned. At least, his right hand is. Also, re today’s (1/28) FBOFW: WTF? Did Elly bite the phone book? Whittle away a bite-sized area with the pencil? Did one of the dogs (forget the names) follow her to the store and get hungry and bite the book? (“Bite the book” would be a good phrase – if I knew what it meant.)

  34. Kaliflower
    January 28th, 2006 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    The Ghost Who Walks hair is black in 17′s link…. but that hot socialitte’s isn’t.

  35. hacky
    January 28th, 2006 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

    #28 Rich saith:

    As for Luann…sorry, folks, I’ve got nothing. I still have yet to read a single Luann strip all the way through. (Could someone give a quick summation of the main relationships in the strip, for us non-followers? It all seems a bit complicated.)

    I go to the Luann website so you don’t have to!
    http://www.comics.com/comics/luann/html/cast_Luann.html

  36. Beasley
    January 28th, 2006 at 11:40 pm [Reply]

    So how long until they discover… http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/

    /link to it…NSFW, but fun nonetheles! ;)

  37. heynoni
    January 29th, 2006 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    Look, I just want to see these bloody kids reach adulthood for god’s sake!!

    I haven’t read a Phantom strip in fifteen years, and back then they were barely younger than they appear now, the only difference being the transition from loincloths. At least Heloise appears to be budding some breasts, but at this rate we’ll all be dead and buried before either of them pulls on the spandex.

    Still, must be some comfort to Prince Charles to know that he just might sit in the British throne before Kit rules the skull-cave.

  38. Zorba the Geek
    January 29th, 2006 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    #37: “Still, must be some comfort to Prince Charles to know that he just might sit in the British throne before Kit rules the skull-cave.”

    Nah, never happen. He and William will both be dead and buried before Kit becomes the next Phanton, at the slow rate these strips go.

  39. Frank Drackman
    January 29th, 2006 at 9:59 pm [Reply]

    Is that the “Son of Sam” whos been following Brad and Toni?? Creepy

  40. JG
    January 30th, 2006 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    Not only is Dirk now a gardener, but he can drive a clown car!

  41. MotoMike
    January 30th, 2006 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Re #40 (Dirk now a gardener…)
    … and let’s all guess what he’s interested in cultivating. I guess the meth lab idea went bust, or boom, or whatever.
    But, I’m confused. Yesterday, (Sunday funnies), Brad drops off Toni after the awards ceremony, gets in his car and … Bum bum bum … headlights go on behind his car. He’s been followed, or stalked! What’ll happen next?!?!?!?
    … and today, we can just about hear the birds twittering in the trees as Baron von Dirkhaven shows the Tonestress his new rig. (Open the trunk, Dirk; do we have a little Brad-shaped surprise in there?) Huh, I think we’ve been the victim of the dreaded “Sunday vs. weekly narrative funnies disconnect”. As Yoda would say,”Ripped off I feel”.
    Speaking of Mark Trail (nice transition … NOT!), who is tied up and who isn’t? Is Mark tied to a tree? Is Andy tied to something or other? Are the gators tied up? How, exactly, are the evil rednecks going to keep the gators from an Andy munch for exactly two hours – (not one hour and fifty-nine minutes, not two hours and one minute, two hours shall be the time period). Did they say to the gators “Set your watches, boys”? Do the gators have watches – and if they are, what are the straps made of – human skin? Ewww! .. and how far can they be in the swamp if Blondie can shout “Fire!” and be heard in boldface?

  42. Haminal10
    January 30th, 2006 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    So… did Dirk just kill Brad or what?

  43. aah
    January 30th, 2006 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    #28 Somewhere in my poor memorybanks, I seem to remember that Rex was the Phantom’s adopted son, destined to take the throne at the Phantom’s demise. Guess the birth of the captivating twins usurped this legacy. But then again, even though I’ve read every comic strip for the past thirty some years, I can’t be expected to keep track of all this.

  44. Dark Star
    January 30th, 2006 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    #20 That blonde chick was the granddaughter of some WWII Nazi who had a diary with a secret map that led her to the Island.
    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20050912&name=Phantom

  45. gershwin
    January 30th, 2006 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    One of the Luann characters, Crystal, reminds me of one of the friends of Lizardbreath… Candace?

  46. Bitter Scribe
    January 30th, 2006 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    The most annoying thing about “Luann,” besides Luann’s utter inability to think of anyone or anything besides herself, is the endless, pointless teasing in the characters’ relationships. How long will Luann/Aaron and Brad/Toni drag out before someone goes postal?

  47. Mary Brandt
    January 30th, 2006 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    #46: “How long will Luann/Aaron and Brad/Toni drag out before someone goes postal?”

    Well, Bitter Scribe, it’s easy: about 6 months after the start of the Luann strip.

    We’re all too far gone, now.

    -MB

  48. megs
    February 5th, 2006 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    Both my parents have very dark hair, dark enough to be mistaken for black, though it’s brown and lately grey. They both were platinum blondes as kids who hair slowly turned brown. My sister and I were both the same, except I had strawberry blonde hair that’s turned more auburn now I’m older. So, by my reasoning, the Phantom is my alternate universe dad trapped in a bad newspaper comic.

    But yes, it’s possible for kids to have blonde hair and their parents have dark without any exmarital hanky panky!

  49. sally
    February 6th, 2006 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    Can someone tell me why it is that superhero/mythic types always have opposite-sex twins? Can’t the authors handle a simple thing like birth order? And if they are drawn as opposed to acted (e.g., Star Wars), why do they always look far more alike than opposite sex twins ever do in real life?

  50. DocForbin
    February 10th, 2006 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    I feel that Brad should just go and beat the stuffing out of Dirk, then he and Toni can run away to Mexico so they can get married and have a bazillion kids.

    Also, Luann should run away to Hawaii, reunite with Aaron Hill, and the two of them should also run away to Mexico so they can get married and have a bazillion kids.

    And they say that Daria/Trent ‘shipperism never dies as well. :-)

  51. jimmy bean
    July 6th, 2007 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Hi!

    I used to read a lot of Phantom while I was at school. I still have around 50+ Phantom Comics.

    I don’t recollect Rex King ever being considered as the Phantom’s son, though the Phantom is shown to have much paternal affection for him. Rex is usually referred to as the Phantom’s ward, and not as an adopted son.

    Anyway, somewhere along the line, (in a comic book at least two decades old) the mystery of Rex’s parentage was solved. The Phantom, after an investigation, which he undertook after Rex expressed a longing to know who his parents were, discovered that Rex King was actually the grandson of the aged ruler of Baronkhan, the mountain kingdom. (To make a long story shot, his daughter, the princess loved a college-mate, eloped, married, after which the husband fell to his death from a cliff, and the girl died tragically in childbirth, leaving the infant [Rex] alone with his grandfather, and the ruler in grief ordered Rex to be taken away, implying that he be given away for adoption, I suppose, but a villanous officer tried to kill the infant Rex by leaving him adrift in the ocean in a tiny life raft, which was then discovered by the tribals -the Mori, I think, but I don’t remember clearly – and from them, the infant Rex was passed on to a missionary couple, who cherished him as their son, since they were childless, but soon, they both succumbed to some disease – malarial fever, if I remember right – and the Phantom, who happened to be in the vicinity of their cottage, along with his tribal companions, [leading them on a hunt, in fact] was just in time to save Rex from an inquisitive lioness who had just entered the cottage of the dead couple, and that’s how the Phantom adopted Rex.)

    In a later comic, the aged ruler died, upon which Rex King inherited the kingdom, and became the ruler of Baronkhan. The Phantom made occassional visits to Baronkhan, whenever mysterious crimes happened there that could not be solved by the ordinary officials.

    After this period, Rex King does not appear often in the comic books, which, in my opinion, is a pity, since he is a good and complex character – more complex than Kit and Heloise, anyway.

    Yours,
    Jimmy Bean

  52. Gwendolyn
    November 13th, 2012 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    Hello! I could have sworn I’ve been to this site before but after browsing through some of the post I realized it’s new to me.

    Anyhow, I’m definitely happy I found it and I’ll be bookmarking and checking back frequently!

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