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Curtis, 9/9/20

It’s devastating when a relationship you thought was heartfelt turns out to be transactional, especially when it’s with your own child. Dennis the Menace could take master classes from this little fucker.

Gil Thorp, 9/9/20

Gil waves off an impending homicide. A man’s gotta commit to be this half-assed.

Heathcliff, 9/9/20

Heathcliff Moves On, part XLV. Cat’s gotta travel.

Luann, 9/9/20

The red crystal “attracts love,” for dumping in the fish tank. The blue one “emits peace,” for throwing at Luann.

I always feel better after my obligatory Luann post; it’s like walking out of the dentist’s office.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Gil Thorp, 8/22/19

“Yes, but no, so let’s eat!” I call foul. Gil’s preseason chats with Marjie Ducey are supposed to detail the roster and telegraph the upcoming plotline. Cynical evasion, non sequiturs, and misdirection are for Marty Moon, dammit. Is Gil getting so lazy he can’t keep his own bullshit straight?

Phantom, 8/22/19

Whoa, looks like loss of blood is making our boy a little giddy; take on some fluids and maybe a Snickers? The Phantom has just rescued Imara Sahara here — wife of incarcerated terrorist Eric (The Nomad!) Sahara and mother of Heloise Walker’s best friend Kadia — from a very highly fortified and guarded compound during its annihilation by U.S. missiles, fighting his way through an army of unspecified allegiance to get her free, all to make good on Heloise’s idle boast, “My Dad will get your Mom out.”

BTW, Imara: if you compare notes with Kadia about the whole “Walker/Phantom” thing, don’t go expecting Bangalla Life and Casualty to take your calls.

But say, what if Imara, not Eric, is the real terrorist mastermind? Sure, they’d have to rejigger a few old plot threads, but wouldn’t it be just like the Ghost Who Condescends to miss a threat from across the aisle, just like he did with the Khagan in the Sunday series? And it would destabilize the family dynamics among the Walkers and Saharas, culminating in the daring rescue by 22nd Phantom Heloise of Kadia from a life of PTSD, self-medication, and pole dancing.

Judge Parker, 8/22/19

April’s story — her truth — is that an internal cabal of rogue CIA agents misled her into carrying out illegal hits, tried to kill her and her Dad Norton to cover up the mess, and got all massacred for their efforts. This has all been disclosed on-air in an exposé by reporter Toni Bowen, because April’s husband Randy can keep neither his pants nor his mouth shut. The story was elaborated further in Toni Bowen’s memoir about Norton’s corruption of literary lion Alan Parker, for which Parker has confessed and is now doing time.

So if you want to get out the rest of your story — your truth — April, I can think of a far better option than these two, and she’s doing the 6:00 news up in Cavelton.

Luann, 8/22/19

It’s tough being a Doofus Dad, and Frank DeGroot has it worse than most. Walt Duncan gives as good as he gets, Dagwood Bumstead enjoys the genuine affection of an excellent cook, and Darryl MacPherson is the beneficiary of Wanda’s voracious sexual appetite and otherworldly lingual gymnastics. But Frank just hangs around the house being emasculated by Nancy and ignored by Luann. When he’s had enough, he wanders out to the mall to find a clerk his daughter’s age he can sneer at with no risk of backtalk. This kid told him about cross-trainers on Tuesday, but he’s so invested in his “so many shoes” Pluggers schtick it blows right by him. What I’m saying is fuck you, Frank.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Baby Blues, 11/28/18

Civilization’s bargain: Women comfort; men keep the bugs away. Step up, Darryl.

Judge Parker, 11/28/18

Abby — a woman — longs to comfort her wounded child, but manly Sam has conditions, to make sure that Neddy’s mood is within permissible bounds, that her return is properly motivated, and that she won’t inconvenience him in any way. Let’s listen in:

“OK, Sam, it’s time for The Talk again — pull up there by the gate. See what it says up there, in bronze on granite? ‘Spencer Farms’ — Spencer. I’m wealthy; Neddy and Sophie have their own inheritances, what have you got? Shut up, I’ll tell you — you’ve got the leftover from the shoe deal with Jules because of Neddy, the commissions on the factory deal with Rocky because of Neddy, and the profit on selling the bus to Hank because of Neddy. You’re at least enough of a lawyer to understand how our prenup works, and how you got your clothing allowance, your Pinot stash, and this stupid car. So go back to your “office” over the stable, do your “work,” and stay the hell out of my way: I’m going to go take care of my daughter.”

Hi and Lois, 11/28/18

Before Hi and Lois changed artists, a horizontal line and two dots meant “bedroom eyes”; now it means something like “I am being sly,” and they’re using it a lot more. Kinda creeps me out, children having all that sex on the sly.

Luann, 11/28/18

It’s been five years since Josh announced his break from Luann, and despite a relapse or two it falls to me to see that this popular hateread gets the coverage it deserves. It’s a tough gig — how do you cover developments in a strip with the core principle “Nothing must ever happen?”

One way is to play stupid “what if” games. My favorite is, “What if all the designated villains were designated heros, and vice versa?” Gunther as a passive-aggressive weasel trying to sneak his way into Luann’s pants is a gimme, and Ma Gunther as his manipulative older double trying to sneak her way into Mr. Grey’s wallet isn’t much harder. Leslie (“It’s Les“) Knox is more of a challenge: I see him as the tough-but-fair drill sergeant trying to shape Gunther into something that will pass for a man. Sort of a “TJ and Brad” thing.

— Uncle Lumpy