Archive: Phantom

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The Phantom, 1/16/19

Been a while since I kept you updated on the thrilling story of Heloise in The Phantom after she personally defeated the Nomad, the terrorist mastermind her father could never catch, by knocking him unconscious with her phone. Heloise handed the Nomad over to the cops, and then, presumably to escape revenge from the Nomad’s fanatical followers, fled with Kadia (the Nomad’s daughter, who didn’t know until just now that her dad was the Nomad) to the consulate of her home nation of Bangalla. Now they’re about to be rescued by the president of Bangalla himself, and let’s just say that country’s official self-presentation as a thriving post-colonial democracy governed by the rule of law isn’t quite buttressed by the head of state personally spiriting a family member of the shadowy leader of a paramilitary force out of the United States to avoid unpleasant questions from law enforcement. Bangalla may insist that the main heritage of their British colonial past is an elected parliament and independent judiciary, but in fact it appears to be President Luaga’s insistence on wearing morning dress 24 hours a day.

Gil Thorp, 1/16/19

I turn to the comics not just for amusement, but edification, and to that end I am pleased to have Learned Something from today’s Gil Thorp. Specifically, I have learned about the Robb Report, which began as a mimeographed newsletter selling Rolls Royces and Confederate memorabilia and somehow morphed into an odious ‘lifestyle brand’ publication mainly consisting of pictures of Rich People Things, which, isn’t that what we have Instagram for? Anyway, it was well worth learning all that so I could appreciate the absurdity of Robby saying, confidently, to presumably dozens of radio listeners, that on his report, “the richness is in the words,” proving that despite his claims to be a wordsmith he doesn’t actually know how “richness” is used in contemporary English. It would be better if he claimed “the richness is in the frosting,” and this whole thing with the billboards was just an attempt to drum up interest in his website of cake recipes.

Mary Worth, 1/16/19

Let’s try, if we can, to avoid thinking about Jannie’s increasingly hilarious vaping technique and instead focus on Ian’s grading strategies. What do you think his emotional arc is over the course of the semester? Is his plan from the get-go to lull his students into complacency with good grades in the opening weeks of the semester only to smash their hopes and dreams later? Or does he begin each class convinced that this year the students are actually going to appreciate his talents, and only turns on them when it becomes clear that isn’t the case?

Family Circus, 1/16/19

“They said that blondes have more fun but that doesn’t seem to be true at all! Now people just realize I’m related to Billy! I hate Billy!”

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Gil Thorp, 11/29/18

Not just a half-assed coach and film critic — a half-assed league administrator!

Six Chix, 11/29/18

Another quiet Thanksgiving at the Lawton place. Um, yay, I guess?

Funky Winkerbean, 11/29/18

“Remember — it’s important not to drop it!”

“How about if I just drop you instead?”

“That is a ten pound plate, you ridiculous sack of pudding; a child could lift it. It can land on your goddamn potato nose for all I care, I am so done with your crap.”

Phantom, 11/29/18

Ha, look at the Ghost mimicking his daughter’s knockout stance. Father of the Year, right there: “FINISH HIM!!!”

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 11/26/18

We all know how this ends: petty annoyances add up until, in an orgy of blood, Mary murders her cat.

Followed, of course, by two weeks of chatty self-congratulation, platitudes (“People say ‘curiosity killed the cat,’ but now I know better!”) and a closing quote from Albert Camus: “As if the blind rage had washed me clean, rid me of hope; for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world.” And then a pool party!

Gil Thorp, 11/26/18

Hey, you guys: you may think you can bravely outfight, outwit, or at least outrun a gang of menacing street toughs, but you can’t. These guys are criminals who chase down and beat up gym-rat posers like you for fun, and they’re good at it. So just bribe them with some of that fancy camera equipment, then drown your shame in Bud Light under the bleachers on bonfire night. At least you won’t have to drink it through a straw.

Phantom, 11/26/18

OK, “Kit’s letter home” is exactly as exciting as you’d expect — apparently he got poison ivy on the canoe trip, the monks short-sheeted his bed, and there’s nothing but Jell-O for dessert!

But the long-running Phantom succession drama took a sharp turn when sister Heloise brought down arch-terrorist Eric “The Nomad” Sahara (“恐怖分子被捕” → “Terrorist Arrested,” nice touch!) in New York while Kit was weaving lanyards at Craft Hour and Dad was hiding from his wife. Oh sure, she got all weepy and homesick on the mean streets afterward, but c’mon, she crashed a jet, a signature Phantom move. Put me on Team Heloise in the upcoming battle royale for the Skull Ring.

Zits, 11/26/18

Jeremy and his mother talk about nothing but sex. The tension between them is palpable.

— Uncle Lumpy