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Metapost: Not the first comment of the week!

Your COTW coming in a moment, but first a public service announcement. It has probably been a while since I pointed you in the direction of this site’s posting and discussion policies! They are worth a read but one violation that I have noted a slight uptick in lately is people doing the thing where they see that nobody has commented on a post and they post “First post!” or something along those lines. This is annoying to me and other people and if I see such a post I will erase it from the page of time. You don’t want to annoy me, do you? Do you? I didn’t think so. So please refrain, won’t you?

Anyhoo, here is your COMMENT OF THE WEEK:

Skating? Blow my own horn? Greg Louganis? Is Curtis coming out or is Tobias Fünke writing his dialogue?” –skullcrusherjones

And your runners-up! Also funny!

“Wow, Greg Louganis is a bit of a dated reference, isn’t it. Maybe Curtis banged his head on a concrete platform and blacked out for 20 years.” –Will

“Why does Spider-Man need to know the spelling of Sabretooth, anyway? Is he compiling his Christmas card list?” –Patrick

“Who’s the black Greg Louganis that’s a sex machine to all the chicks? CURTIS! You’re DAMN right!” –Ned Ryerson

“The next step in Steve’s master plan: ‘…and speaking of things that are big and salty…’” –Pozzo

“That’s actually Spidey’s fashion sense going off. It goes off A LOT.” –Roger

“School janitors make good money but coaches make more. Gil has a room 24/7 at the Milford Inn stocked with booze and Jonas Brothers CDs.” –mr 12 oz can

“So Kurt thinks that coming to Charterstone is going to assuage his uneasiness? Good luck with that, kid. No wonder Wilbur is trying to change the subject by introducing the most distracting question he can think of — ‘Do my numerous ongoing fantasies about what it would be like to have my ex-lover as my mother bear any relation to the actual reality?’” –Violet

“It seems to me that what Spidey’s been calling his ‘spider sense’ all this time is actually what the rest of us call ‘anxiety attacks.’” –JP (not Judge Parker)

“Meanwhile, Kurt’s stubble continues to grow, further alienating him from his waxy padre.” –perchingpath

Funky’s hand-waving makes sense if you knew that Mopey Pete’s been eating burritos since the beginning of the year. But before he could disperse the fumes, Pete’s karma done peeled the vinyl off the stools.” –Lou Shumaker

“‘Kickin’ it with a burrito at the Toxic Taco’ is obviously a code word for male prostitution, the only career open for a failed comic writer.” –G. Bob

“Say what you will about capitalism, but this is definitely one of its perks. Money speaks louder than concern about whether or not people only appreciate your work ironically.” –Anonymous

“Hmmm, based on Kurt’s eyebrows, I am not sure he is a natural blonde. There is one way to find out, but since Kurt lost everything below the waist on the way to the docks I guess we’ll never know.” –Thomas B.

“I can’t say I understand what’s going on in Dick Tracy but the narrative is clear enough. In the 1/14 strip, for example, the Cambastani Embassy is about to hire an ‘American rock music’ band that has been together for almost two whole days because he wants ‘everything at its finest’. This booking will be based on a CD recorded, mastered, and produced yesterday and dropped off this morning at a talent agency named ‘Brozebra,’ presumably for DT artist Jim Brozman and the Zebra from Pearls Before Swine. So do I understand it? No, but that’s what’s happening.” –Ed Dravecky

MT: “Good afternoon our special, gentlemen, is FORESHADOWING with a light ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SUBTLE sauce. Would you care to try that with a bottle of Chateau d’Awkward Direct Address?” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“Oh no! Wilbur has run afoul of the Triplets, a sinister trio of identical clones who pose as rich snobs but are indeed savage killing machines with horrible taste in clothing.” –Taquelli

“Wait, which Mary Worth character does blue-blazer rich kid look like? Oh, right, all of them.” –Evan

“The reason Grandma has that box out is that she’s sorting the pictures to decide which ones to burn for warmth.” –Kibo

“Ruby’s ribbons seem to be getting larger of late. Is she just snatching whatever pieces of fabric she can find and weaving them into her hair? Does this have something to do with Lyle? We need a Mark Trail Sunday special on her mating rituals.” –commodorejohn

“Is it possible that instead of having a relationship with a single woman, Wilbur was actually frequenting an Easter bonnet-themed brothel?” –Andy L

“I’ll tell you the worst that can happen: a Tommie-centric storyline! I’d muster up a scream but my terror is already bored.” –Rhekarid

“I like the way Mommy Keane happens to be standing next to the front door when Jeffy comes barreling in. One leg coyly askance. She’s carrying her … folded linens from the … hutch over to the … okay, I don’t know what she’s doing.” –Dentuck

“June’s always had a science-fiction-y look to her. She reminds me of the evil Kryptonian lady from Superman 2, possibly crossed with Jayna from The Wonder Twins. As panel 3 clearly demonstrates, her waistline could not possibly be achieved by an Earthling, and she doesn’t seem to understand our concept of what ‘breaking the fourth wall’ means, as evidenced by her attempt in panel 2 to push her face directly through the invisible screen which separates her from us.” –Joe Blevins

“I love June’s expression of horror in the last panel. ‘Just a moment, honey! Mommy needs to peel her face off and put on a new one!’” -Carly

Wilbur and Kurt continue fishing, but only in the very loosest sense of the word, to the point that neither of them is even keeping up the charade in Panel 2. Wait, should a narration box acknowledge the existence of panels? Or itself? ERROR! ERROR! Bzzt!” –Steve S

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39 responses to “Metapost: Not the first comment of the week!”

  1. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 18th, 2010 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to the Float Folk—very funny! And a special hooray for Arrested Development references!

  2. skullcrusherjones
    January 18th, 2010 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    COTW?!! I’m honored and humbled. I would like to thank my agent and my inability to find stable employment. This is for all the freelancers out there with way, way, way too much time on their hands.

  3. commodorejohn
    January 18th, 2010 at 11:29 pm [Reply]

    Woot, runner-up! And among such a nice crop of comments, too!

  4. Muffaroo
    January 18th, 2010 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    9CL – There’s a bit of a misunderstanding here (at the CC) about the term “salute,” as used in today’s strip. To clarify, it was a one-gun salute, and it went off in the third panel.

  5. Muffaroo
    January 18th, 2010 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#yy110): And Jimmy Stewart in the Henry Fonda role?

    @Spunde (#y68): That’s like a joke I made up in 1977 (I can tie it to an event, that’s how I remember):
    “Where do you go to hear someone cry out in Anguish?”
    “To an Anguican cathedral.”

    @Rusty’s Ghost (#y97): I have a different explanation, thanks to having seen that ROXANNE was on TV the other night. Kurt has a hard time speaking from his heart, so there’s a guy with a comically overstated nose standing in the frigid water under the dock, feeding him his lines. He hides behind the narration box, which is fortunately there whether anything is happening or not.

    @Bryan (#y103): They said at first they were going to reuse Hart’s art, but it’s clear that they’ve decided that was too much trouble, and they’ve been drawing it themselves pretty much for the last while. Some of the characters are mutating, their features sliding this way and that. It’s a bit disconcerting at times.

    And congratulations to everybody who’s funnier than me. I chuckled through my bitter, bitter tears.

  6. The white Montel Williams of NASCAR
    January 18th, 2010 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

    Introducing the all-new C’sOTW with 12% real Greg Louganis!

  7. Aviatrix
    January 19th, 2010 at 12:12 am [Reply]

    Andy L, you’re COTW for me. I haven’t stopped laughing at that since the first time I read it.

  8. Lou Shumaker
    January 19th, 2010 at 12:23 am [Reply]

    Woohoo! My first COTW runner-up appearance evah! I’m more thrilled about this than getting my book advance, even if I did dangle my modifier in the second sentence.

  9. Andy L
    January 19th, 2010 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    Did anyone notice today’s Slylock has a slightly new format? Check out how the suspects are only present in mug-shot form. (Perhaps it was too cold for them to show up in person?)

    I love how not only is Max getting tugged around on a little sled, but some bear is throwing snowballs at him! It must be rough being a mouse sidekick. He’s clearly a fully grown adult, but everyone treats him like he were some little kid that tagged along with Slylock.

  10. Poteet
    January 19th, 2010 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    Caperings and tossed flowers for skullcrusherjones and the merry runners-up! And I am happy to remember that Ed Dravecky’s excellent comment was in response to one of mine, so I helped to inspire float-worthy greatness, at least. Failing to understand DT does have its advantages.

  11. Thomas B.
    January 19th, 2010 at 1:01 am [Reply]

    tenth post. Hee hee just kidding with you Josh. So nice to ride the float again. Skullcrusher that was just an epic comment, missed it first time around.

  12. bats :[
    January 19th, 2010 at 1:25 am [Reply]

    Toosday RMMD: Rex, rather than badgering and haranguing June (and probably getting your head bitten off in the process, not that you don’t deserve it) –why don’t you get in your freakin’ Lexus and GO GET ABBY?!

    JP: ah, yes, love conquers all. Money is a close second.

    BB: shoot me. I thought this was sweet.

  13. Aviatrix
    January 19th, 2010 at 1:27 am [Reply]

    @Poor Thompson (Y125): Yes! Or maybe a big pile of boots, auto tires, tin cans and plastic bags.

  14. Poteet
    January 19th, 2010 at 1:32 am [Reply]


    A3G — Uh-oh.

    JP — That guest house is about to see more action than the main house has seen in years.

    MT — I really thought that this time, what with the mention of commercial development and all, the plot might involve actual conservation issues. I really did. For that stupidity, I deserve to have a cute yellow puppy piddle on my shoe.

    MW — If someone strung together all of Kurt’s contradictory statements of feeling and his changing facial expressions for the past couple of weeks, they would be ample evidence for why Wilbur should get the hell off that dock while he still can.

  15. Aviatrix
    January 19th, 2010 at 1:42 am [Reply]

    I still can’t get past thinking that Kurt looks to be born in 1987.

  16. True Fable
    January 19th, 2010 at 2:01 am [Reply]

    Congratulations to the COTW float riders and skullcrusherjones, sitting in the seat of honor! Good snark this week!

    Sam Driver’s Pretty People Posse! Cynical much, Sam and Abbey? Ah well, I suppose money is something these two can easily discuss without all that awkward avoidance stuff they have to employ when the subject is sex.

    Fist O Justice Theater I’m not sure who these people are or what they are doing, but it’s the usual heavy-handed I’m Right and You’re Wrong that goes in Mark Trail stories so I’m in for the ride I suppose.

    Rex Morgan, INS Man, you do NOT want to EVER get on June’s bad side on any issue. She fucking just will not forgive you!
    “But she’s been beaten and stabbed and she’s bleeding out at an alarming rate, June! Can’t we let her stay?”
    “No, because the little tramp didn’t wipe her shoes off for a full minute and a half on the doormat when she got here!”
    “But I didn’t mind, June!”
    “No, Rex, you’re MY doormat. I’m talking about the one actually in front of the door.”

    Apartment of DOOOOOM omG, this woman is slap out of her mind. And the professor who is somehow supposedly trained to identify people with her problems, isn’t running for the door by now? Well okay, he’s a moron, but still.

  17. Bobby Staff
    January 19th, 2010 at 2:01 am [Reply]

    No comment on the racy “9 Chickweed Lane”? Wow. 1/18/10

  18. Kibo
    January 19th, 2010 at 2:12 am [Reply]

    In the comics-themed round of “1 vs 100″ tonight (on Xbox Live) the first question was “Where does Garfield live?” Sadly, the answer they wanted was “Muncie, Indiana”, not “On the bottom right corner of the last page of every newspaper in Hell.” They also wanted to know Jughead’s real name (Forsythe P. Jones) and the name of Jim Davis’s first strip (“Gnorm Gnat”). But, sadly, they didn’t ask any questions about why “The Family Circus” never gets better, whether Marmaduke’s owner is Slowly Melting Hitler, or the maiden name of the computer that writes “Archie”.

  19. Poteet
    January 19th, 2010 at 2:22 am [Reply]

    9CL — I’d love to know how long this narration is supposed to be taking in real time. Are the ballet kids still listening breathlessly via held-out phone receiver? Is Juliette having to take much time off from work and sex? Does Gran have enough insurance to cover the co-pay?

  20. True Fable
    January 19th, 2010 at 2:23 am [Reply]

    @Bobby Staff (#17): Yeah, it’s not every day that you look through the funny pages and see a comic about a guy getting an erection. Unless, of course, it’s Beetle Bailey in which case it would be unusual if it wasn’t the subject.

  21. Poteet
    January 19th, 2010 at 2:30 am [Reply]

    1/19 RMMD — I realize that Rex is not the old stereotypical rich doctor, especially since he seldom actually practices medicine. But it seems to me that he could probably spring for a few nights at a local motel for Brook, if only to save her from being murdered by June. And save himself, for that matter.

  22. Andy L
    January 19th, 2010 at 3:19 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#7): Oh, hey! Thanks!

  23. Ed Dravecky
    January 19th, 2010 at 3:33 am [Reply]

    Congrats to skullcrusherjones and all my fellow float riders. Special thanks to Poteet for inspiring that particular rant which, given its length, I’m shocked to see make the cut. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to spend the prize money at an Easter bonnet-themed brothel.

  24. Mibbitmaker
    January 19th, 2010 at 3:55 am [Reply]

    Being mentioned in a CC CotW is even better than being in Blue Man Group, in my opinion.

  25. KarMann
    January 19th, 2010 at 5:04 am [Reply]

    DT: Well, at least Virgil finally has his ‘g’ back. And a good thing, too; I’d hate to see him fiddle around without a G-string on his Strad.
    MT: “Parker Brothers”, Elrod? Really?? What, are they going to establish a Monopoly on fishing on the lake there?

  26. KarMann
    January 19th, 2010 at 5:58 am [Reply]

    @KarMann (#25): Grr, I’ve done it again. I meant 1/19 there, not 1/18.

  27. Mr. O\'Malley
    January 19th, 2010 at 7:09 am [Reply]

    I’ve been away—first to deal with some family business, and then to drive across the country (first time for me). Poteet—I was surprised by the landscape in Iowa—much more interesting than I expected. I was underwhelmed by Nebraska, except for Ole’s Big Game Steakhouse . And imagine our joy when we spotted our first taco truck in West Wendover, Nevada—no more fast food chains for us! In the parking lot of a porn emporium, but when you’re just over the border from Utah, what do you expect?

    I haven’t been able to keep up with the comments, but I wanted to share a few links.

    Gustaf Tenggren (Golden Book Style)

    Editorial cartoons by Winsor McCay. Most critics rate his Little Nemo in Slumberland as one of the best comic strips of all time. He was a pioneer animator with Gertie the Dinosaur and Dreams of the Rarebit Fiend (strip and widely imitated animation), among others. However William Randolph Hearst, his employer, wanted to turn McCay’s artistic gifts to promoting Hearst’s political opinions (with which McCay did not always agree). The cartoons are interesting both because of McCay’s amazing art and also the size and detail of the panels, which far exceed what any modern newpaper would be willing to print. Newspapers of that day were about 50% larger than modern papers, and McCay’s cartoons filled the entire width of a page. The subject matter is rather obsolete, so it’s hard to imagine a major newspaper chain based on those political viewpoints, very different from our current situation. When was the last time you heard someone pontificating about William Jennings Bryan and “Free Silver”?

    As a bonus, here’s an interesting Mighty Mouse link.

  28. Bryan
    January 19th, 2010 at 7:24 am [Reply]

    La Cucaracha: Fruit of the booms? Fruit of the booms? I’d say, “Way to phone it in, Alcarez,” but when isn’t this strip phoned in?
    Peanuts: “I don’t like the smell of your mother’s rotten crotch, but you don’t see me complaining.” Snoopy should just go hang out in his dog house and admire his Van Gogh.

    @Mr. O\’Malley (#27): When was the last time you heard someone pontificating about William Jennings Bryan and “Free Silver”?

    Great stuff, thanks for posting it! I was just talking to my girlfriend the other day about the bi-metal system, the Wizard of Oz, and William Jennings Bryan’s “Cross of Gold” speech.

  29. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    January 19th, 2010 at 7:51 am [Reply]

    You don’t want to annoy me, do you?

    Frankly, yes, I do, but I normally prefer “yo mama” jokes or gushing over the Apple Tablet for that.

    Congratulations to the funny people listed by name!

  30. John C Fremont
    January 19th, 2010 at 8:08 am [Reply]

    @KarMann (#25): Dag nab those Parker Brothers! I hear they’re in cahoots with that Milton Bradley guy.

    RMMD – Yes, June, change into that sexy, sexy nightgown. Sure, it’s 7:30 in the morning and you’ve already put on that hot Captain Janeway outfit, but that nightie needs to be tried on. You want to do it, and I want you to do it. It’s what psychologists call a win/win situation. And by “psychologists,” I mean “some guys I know.”*

    *Tip o’ the hat to Mike Nelson there.

  31. Patrick
    January 19th, 2010 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Yay, float! And not only that, Josh took the time to edit it down to a better joke. I feel like I’m the host of my own late night show with a staff of funnier writers at my disposal. Only not Jay Leno, because I’m still mad at him.

  32. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kwaii Kommando
    January 19th, 2010 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    Cleats: heeee! Love the dirty look from the porky.

    F-: wait, what? If that dude has the Emerald Eye of Ekron, you’re in a heap o trouble!

    MC: Most Writers Are Male.

    PBS: :-D

    6Cx: wow, that pun is worse than Hilary Price’s usual efforts!

    Frazz: groan^2

    Lio: Snuggie jokes, to replace Twitter jokes in 2010? Still mighty cute, though.

  33. Uncle Ritzy Fritz
    January 19th, 2010 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    @KarMann (#25):
    “Get a CLUE; those guys look dangerous. We’d better not RISK a confrontation or we’ll be SORRY.”

  34. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 19th, 2010 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    MW: The real tragedy here, of course, is that if Kurt had had a real father figure in his life, he would not now be wearing that stupid pink cap.

    JP: “Ha ha! Of course you did, Sam! After all, that’s all that’s keeping me married to you, darling! Now kiss me, or I’ll cut off your allowance.”

    FC: Big Daddy Keane’s look of grim determination speaks less of “happy times in the snow” and more of “I will crush you with slow, frozen death.”

    BB: It’s funny because Zero will never, ever get laid!

    MT: They’ve brought in the attack mallards! Run away! Run away!

    Curtis: You didn’t run over your teacher, Curtis—you pronked her in the ass. That’s much worse.

  35. Great Abby's Ghost!
    January 19th, 2010 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    MT: Now we know who took all those mysterious 3rd. person POV photos. It was I!

    And yes, there is an unlimited supply of digital memory cards in Hell. But we can’t seem to find a supplier for those old-school photo corners any more. I sure hope Batiuk brings his stash with him.

  36. Écureuil Écumant
    January 19th, 2010 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    GT: Steve Luhm’s tutorials continue. It takes a very aggressive technique to get chewing gum off linoleum tile with just a string mop and lukewarm, dingy water.

  37. Muffaroo
    January 19th, 2010 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#30): No, sir: dag nab YOU for pre-empting my guess that Mark’s guide was Milton Bradley! (MB came out of Springfield, MA, where there’s a grade school by that name, and another nearby town has a public park with a giant Mr. Potato Head and a Candy Land-style pathway.)

  38. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kwaii Kommando
    January 19th, 2010 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Obviously, a Racoon

    Josh, you need this for those late night blog posts!

  39. bridesmaid gowns
    January 26th, 2011 at 4:16 am [Reply]

    This is a good site.

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