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Metapost: Comments of the who knows how long

Yes, your comments of the week are here! Or, more accurately, your comments of the last couple weeks, collected at various times by me and Uncle Lumpy, with significant gaps in the periods during which comments were being monitored for funniness. But still, I think you will appreciate them! Here the comment out of this batch judged most worthy:

“Aw, c’mon, nobody in Hootin’ Holler has ever heard of — much less seen or eaten — an avocado. And if by chance they had, they’d spell it ‘avercodder.’” –jvwalt

And your very funny runners up!

“I’m intrigued by the emptiness of the upper calendar page, which would ordinarily contain a picture of some kind. I was going to make a joke about this, but now I realize that it is in fact a photograph of the gleaming white, featureless background we often see in the Family Circus universe, which is what the Keanes know as ‘scenery.’” –Poor Thompson

“In twenty years, which of these two will have a better head of hair, even when she’s dead?” –True Fable

A3G: This strip is nothing more than an ongoing and perpetual sequence of random and disappointing encounters. Exactly like my life, now that I think about it.” –A. Weldon Berger

Is that really a gun, or are you just trying to arouse me? Because I have to warn you, only a prescription card will do that.” –bunivasal

“‘Sorry mommy. I didn’t dream about you last night.’ ‘Well, that explains the dry sheets!’” –SF_Reader

Dick Tracy — “Isn’t this always how it goes? You want someone to die, and then when they finally do it’s not as great as you’d hoped.”–TheDiva

Between Friends — “It’s like the Canadian Andy Capp, with coffee instead of Guinness and griping instead of fistfights.” –Rusty

Captain Savarna, Pirate Hunter — “This is simply the best comic in newspapers today. It’s slowed down a bit since the boring purple guy turned up, so I hope he leaves soon.” –Lesser Whark

Crankshaft — “Pam yells out another woman’s name while in bed with Jeff. Don’t get too excited, though.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

Funky Winkerbean — “Funky’s black PT cruiser looks like a cross between a hearse and clown car. How fitting.” –Hank

“This week, Dennis the (Not such a) Menace spring cleans his treehouse — but what sort of stuff is he tossing? Most of it is in silhouette, but among the detritus I see a rubber glove and a tiny homunculus! Was that little scamp performing abortions last summer?” –Len

The Phantom — “What a woman! I’d be blind not to notice! But she’s not Diana! Because Diana is dead, and this one is walking around and breathing and talking and stuff. Unless she’s a vampire! Or a zombie! Is there such a thing as a beautiful zombie? With a boat? She can’t be a vampire, because we’re standing out here in broad daylight — unless she’s one of those sparkly ones from that book Heloise was reading! Or was Kit reading that? I wonder who they borrowed it from; I’ll bet it was Guran! And if I were blind, shouldn’t I be Daredevil instead?” –bats:[

9 Chickweed Lane — “I’m hoping that we find out that this is all BS on Edna’s part. I’m also hoping for a pony. To hedge my bets on which one will come true, I’m buying a saddle and bridle.” –Little Guy

Spider-Man — “Peter Parker gets up late, fails to make breakfast, and reads in the paper that Iron Man has foiled Sabretooth. ‘You know what this means?’ Yes. Six more weeks of winter. Back to bed! –Muffaroo

“Meanwhile, I like to think that Dr. P’s expression in A3G is the sudden realization that the same behavior that is supposed to be endearingly kooky when Zooey Deschanel does it in a movie is, in fact, a sign of bipolar disorder in real life.” –Sebastian

“The horror that is Mr. Sam Driver’s pastel argyle sweater has been well-documented. We need say no more, except that if he had any nerve at all he would have worn a bow tie with it.” –Fashion Police

“I watched the Marmaduke trailer. Then I burst into furious, impotent tears.” –150

Also also! Faithful reader kanomi has created the fabulous Tokyo Sun Ha! Ha! Funny Pages with “Japanese-English” reimaginings of some our favorite comics. Don’t miss Nature Punchman GO! in “Epic River Quest.”

BIG HUGE ENORMOUS THANKS thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar over the fundraiser — you’ll all get personalized thanks from me soon! And here is where we would give thanks to our advertisers, were there any to thank! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot — and how you could be the launch advertiser for our new RSS feed sponsorship — click here.

56 responses to “Metapost: Comments of the who knows how long”

  1. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 29th, 2010 at 10:07 pm [Reply]

    @LITTLE A. OF THE GRAND CONCOURSE JUNGLE PATROL (y62): Agnes has tended to be pretty Agnes-centric, so while I’ve been reading, not much has been revealed about the supporting cast. If this flash about Trout’s jailbird sister signals a change in that pattern, all to the good.

  2. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 29th, 2010 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    Muchas gracias for the float ride. I had fun times reading through the COTWs. Len, your contrubution made me wince, laugh, wince, laugh, great exercise. 150, you got me curious enough to watch the “Marmaduke” trailer. Damn you.

  3. Earthgirl
    March 29th, 2010 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    Kanomi is a god(dess?).

  4. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 29th, 2010 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    All praise to Kanomi. Can’t wait to see what (s)he does with Rex(ually Ambigous) Morgan.

  5. Ukulele Ike
    March 29th, 2010 at 10:36 pm [Reply]

    Noodle. It was the NOODLE Incident in “Calvin and Hobbes.” Noodles are funny; spaghetti not so much. Take it from Walter Matthau in The Sunshine Boys.

  6. commodorejohn
    March 29th, 2010 at 10:38 pm [Reply]

    I watched 53 seconds of the Marmaduke trailer before I recognized the shooting pains in my chest as my soul shriveling and dying. I think I’m going to go weep for the human race for a bit.

  7. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 29th, 2010 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    Hoo hah! Two in a row, and one of them was the longest float ride evah! Good seeing you back in the saddle, Josh, even though Uncle Lumpy always lets us play with the Magic Fingers in the master bedroom. Good job featuring kanomi’s transcultured comic synopses on the front page, too.

  8. Poteet
    March 29th, 2010 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations, jvwalt and highly entertaining runners-up! It’s an honor to hand you the tiara, step down, and toss flowers at all of you on the float. Good work.

  9. Poteet
    March 29th, 2010 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#7): Congrats on another well-deserved float ride! Longest evah? Now I feel even luckier. And if Peter Parker did allow us all to go back to bed for six weeks, it would be the best thing he’s done for readers in months.

  10. Poteet
    March 29th, 2010 at 10:52 pm [Reply]

    kanomi, you were born to do what you did to MT. Don’t hit me.

  11. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 29th, 2010 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    Congrats on the CsOTW! Excellent work, Floaters and Choosers!

  12. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 29th, 2010 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

    Just thought of a good thing about the Marmaduke comic strip. It never makes you listen to the title monster-dog talk like a sad Texan surfer wannabe. Weigh that as you will.

  13. Jamus The Bartender
    March 29th, 2010 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    Welcome back, Josh. :) Congratulations, float riders, kanomi, that’s a great site, and Cassandra left me :(.

  14. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 29th, 2010 at 11:09 pm [Reply]

    #13 Jamus the Bartender,
    She’ll be back. The question is, do you want to get on that roller coaster again?

  15. Mr. O'Malley
    March 29th, 2010 at 11:12 pm [Reply]

    Huffington Post headline:
    The ‘Marmaduke’ Trailer May Be The Worst Thing Ever

    What’s impressive about this trailer is it actually gets progressively worse as it goes along, which is quite a feat for a two minute video.

    Read the whole thing and watch the video again if you dare at

    That strip has been running since 1954. 56 years of “What a big dog”! The other big dog strips of the 1950s are dead and gone. Its only rival still standing is Howard Huge.

    56 years of big dog jokes to work from and they couldn’t come up with a script full of big dog jokes. Instead they have to put in all kinds of other garbage.

    If Marmaduke the comic has any fans, Marmaduke the movie has already alienated them with just the trailer, so who does this leave as the target audience for the movie? Brilliant marketing.

  16. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 29th, 2010 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    Another sad thing about the movie is that we’re going to have to see ads for it on TV, like five or six times an hour if we have any kids.

    And then the critics are all going to drag out their dog movie cliches. “MARMADUKE is a dog.” “MARMADUKE is not, alas, dog-gone funny.” “MARMADUKE plays dead and doesn’t get up again.” Flea-bitten. Scratches for jokes. Gives us paws. Should be put to sleep.

    It’s gonna be barfy.

  17. Rusty
    March 29th, 2010 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    Fuck. One of my 9 year old girls loves Marmaduke comics and will want to see that POS. Time to tell her I got laid off last year.

    Congrats to all floaters. I am on a bridesmaid roll this year.

  18. bats :[
    March 29th, 2010 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    Well, fat lot of good being on the float did me. I clicked on Tokyo Sun Ha! Ha! Funny Pages and proceeded to fall off in uncontrolled hysterics.
    Congrats to my fellow floaters! Remember me as I was, hoarding all the little Hershey bars and only throwing out the dusty old ribbon candy dispensing largesse with glee!

  19. Jamus The Bartender
    March 29th, 2010 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#14): Hell yes. We gotta find out why Colonel Horrocks tried to have Edie Ernst whacked back in the deuce.

  20. tblue
    March 29th, 2010 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    My favorite:

    Clinical Depression Town: The Cancer Cluster Chronicles

  21. Poteet
    March 29th, 2010 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#13): Jamus, I’m sorry. Please keep us posted.

  22. commodorejohn
    March 29th, 2010 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    and then I went and finished the trailer

    why do i hate myself so much

  23. seismic-2
    March 30th, 2010 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    kanomi, thanks indeed for that masterpiece! I now eagerly await your rendition of the trailer for the upcoming epic Big Funny Hell-Dog. It will be awesome to see what he does to Tokyo.

  24. Poteet
    March 30th, 2010 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    3/30 MW — I say the Johnsons are either grifters or in the Witness Protection Program. Hence their joy at the prospect of being grilled by Mary.

    On second thought, they are the only sane residents of Charterstone.

  25. True Fable
    March 30th, 2010 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    WOOHOO!! I’m on the Float! Catch my beads, they are shaped like little goats! Thanks, Josh! And congratulations to jvwalt and my fellow float riders!

    Kibble for everybody!

  26. ElkMeadow
    March 30th, 2010 at 1:04 am [Reply]

    I call that Mary has realized that what her guests really wanted for dinner was Braiiinnnsss! And now she’s upset, guessing how disappointed the two zombies are that hers aren’t worth their while.

    Either that or someone wanted to discuss Liz and Anthony, Lynn Johnston’s trip to Thailand, WWII OSU singers, Oompa Loompas, “West Side Story”….. Like I said, there was a definite lack of brains. Now if the Professor had been there as had been suggested earlier….

  27. ElkMeadow
    March 30th, 2010 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#16):

    It’s gonna be barfy.

    And it will be if FC is the next comic strip based movie.

  28. KarMann
    March 30th, 2010 at 1:16 am [Reply]

    @Carly (#Y89) and anyone else with a Big Dog fixation: I saw one of those hydrants earlier this month, and did get a quick, poor-quality, cell phone picture of it. It’s probably something like 8-9 feet tall (2.5-3m). I was… awestruck. Fortunately, though, I made it to the bathroom in time.

  29. True Fable
    March 30th, 2010 at 1:22 am [Reply]

    Hillbilly Haven Unspeakable filth! Elviney advising a girl about a boy’s trouser worm!

    Assoline Galley I have to admit I liked today’s Alley.

    Flaky Winkerstinker There’s no law that says a coach should be carried off the ballcourt, unless it’s to dump him in the alley.

    Hat Boy Hurry up and show the ego-crushing strips where the rich chick thinks he’s an ass. You know that’s where this is going. That, or Rich Chick will think a rare nice thought about him, and he’ll take it the wrong way and be convinced he’s All That. Then let’s do a sudden Kwanzaa backflash or something.

    Odlab I love it when they do the Realistic Tia Carman stuff!

    Apartment of Doom Ari is talking to… Marshall Applewhite?!

    When Good Things Happen to Bad People Accurate assessment from someone who knows!

    Fist O Justice Theater Mark’s climbing trees again… if a+b=c, somebody’s car is going to go up in a blaze any minute now.

  30. Jason1981
    March 30th, 2010 at 1:24 am [Reply]


    S-M: Wow, Spidey just became slightly less stupid than a spider. Three drunken cheers for Iron-Man! *HIC!* ugh…ray! …Or..ssss’mthin like that….

    MT: “It’ll also give me a good place to sit so I can sh** on those two guys when they pass under me! Hahaha! ”

    RMMD: “And then we set up your death traps around the house in case they ever come back. “

  31. Jason1981
    March 30th, 2010 at 1:28 am [Reply]

    @Earthgirl (#3):

    Of course Kanomi is a god(or goddess) I mean, who else could give you 99 lives? And all you have to do is give the correct code……..Wait, no, that was Konami. ….Nevermind.

  32. KarMann
    March 30th, 2010 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    As of today, 3/30, Hi & Lois is officially on my list. And I don’t mean the list of comics I follow. Bastard. RAT-bastard!

  33. KarMann
    March 30th, 2010 at 1:55 am [Reply]

    Oh, and as an added reason to rag on the Marmaduke movie, it occurred to me when Dean was getting nastygrams about posting the altered comics on his site, it could well be that the reason Marmaduke was named in particular is that they’re protecting the movie now, not just the comic strip. A lot more $$$ at stake, and more $$$ for lawyers, so they might go after what they’d let go in the past.

  34. Walker of Dog
    March 30th, 2010 at 1:56 am [Reply]

    A3G: Considering what a criminal failure Ari has been as Bobbie’s doctor, he couldn’t do any worse as her friend if he sent her on a trip to Charterstone.

    FC: “I’ve been using your turkey baster to squirt a bunch of different stuff up there, but now I realize I should have formulated a testable hypothesis first. Also, PJ’s septum is gone.”

    MW: Fine Ernie fixes Bonnie with an accusatory stare, thinking “Dammit, you specifically told me there would be NO getting to know each other better.”

    S-M: The other day Poteet pointed out the periodic uglification that Peter undergoes, and this current bout is pretty bad. Mary Jane, please put those Barbie legs to good use and kick your husband’s face back to normal… or until Judge Judy comes on.

    Phan: Walker’s desperate incoherence – mangling a flight metaphor and belly-flopping his way to a sinking ship – just highlights the awkwardness of his abandonment of Savarna. Dude, next time just use the standard “it’s not you, it’s me” line.

    Congratulations, float riders – more candy please.

  35. NJP
    March 30th, 2010 at 1:57 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: Just assault and battery, Gil? Do you expect the cops to just drop the trespassing charge on you and Steve?

    Mark Trail: If Mark climbs a tree on Tuesday, he’ll be shot out of in the tree on Friday. Sometime in the next two weeks, Mark will be unspringing a bent tree branch on backwoods villains while yelling “SURPRISE!”. But, there will be no surprise for us. Jack Elrod’s plotting is as reliable as Old Faithful.

    Rex Morgan: Woody Wilson just continues to tee it up for our amusement. Thanks, Woody!

  36. This Guy
    March 30th, 2010 at 1:57 am [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#27): A Family Circus movie would be less “barfy” and more “apocalypsey.”

  37. Mr. O'Malley
    March 30th, 2010 at 2:22 am [Reply]

    ReFoob: For heaven’s sake, take a dog-training class instead of acting like an idiot.

    MW: Roast chicken and a box of 16 doughnuts? It is indeed an impressive spread.

  38. KarMann
    March 30th, 2010 at 2:27 am [Reply]

    As for the rest of the 3/30 crop:
    Crankshaft: What I said yesterday, about hoping she’d go all Bobbie Merril/Magee on him? Oh yeah, I can hardly wait. There will be blood!

    JP: Well, some of you are bigger provincials than others!
    (BTW, who’s the lady in the background? I started wondering yesterday. . . . )

    MW: Fine Ernie’s doing that uncanny valley thing for me again today.

    Momma: Please tell me she’s going to eat that all herself!

    OBH: Umm, haven’t you ever heard of “a deal with the Devil”?? Where does he get this “for free” idea from?

    PBS: The Amazing Spider-Pig origin story! He’ll probably be more heroic with that power than the current newspaper Peter Parker.

    Phantom: “What’s he doing?” “Looks like the Australian crawl to me.”
    P.S. to Walker of Dog (#34): I wouldn’t be too sure that metaphor’s mixed; remember that chopper the other day? That’s OK; it doesn’t look like the fellows in the lifeboat did, either. Why, I can’t imagine.

    RwO: Could somebody who knows explain to this poor, benighted gentile what the significance of him cutting his hand during Passover is? Or is it just the usual Sabbath thing? Enlighten me.

    Sherman’s Lagoon: Captain Quigley is a Plugger.

  39. Mibbitmaker
    March 30th, 2010 at 2:30 am [Reply]


    A3G: Nope. Won’t work. Well’p, Prof, see ya maybe next week or later…

    Curtis: Well, there is a horrible side effect: your tongue goes all Snuffy-Smith-y all the time. It’s… too horrible to contemplate!

  40. This Guy
    March 30th, 2010 at 2:49 am [Reply]

    @KarMann (#38):
    Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig
    Can he swing from a web?
    No he can’t, he’s a pig
    Look out! He is a Spider-Pig

  41. This Guy
    March 30th, 2010 at 2:53 am [Reply]

    @This Guy (#40): Dammit, I left out some lines… it’s getting late.

  42. Lucky
    March 30th, 2010 at 3:08 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey – As if there was any doubt that Sarge and Beetle’s game of cat and mouse is really a complicated type of foreplay.

    Family Circus – Dolly is anxiously waiting for the day PJ shows any interest in girly things so that daddy will whip out his exorcism tongs again, just like he did with Jeffy.

    Garfield – Hey, Jim! Show, don’t tell!

    Mary Worth – Yup. Those faces in the second panel tell everything about the mood in Mary’s dinners.

    Pluggers – They make really nice-sounding dog food these days. (Yes, I know it’s a bear, bite me.)

    Rose is Rose – Um, if you want to convey the idea that someone is whispering you probably shouldn’t use so many exclamation points.

    Spider-Man – “Screw Sabretooth! I’m gonna stay in Miami and have lots of crazy sex!” I must also remark that the second panel here gave me the biggest laugh of the day.

  43. KarMann
    March 30th, 2010 at 3:10 am [Reply]

    @Lucky (#42): I’ll see your “Hey, Jim! Show, don’t tell!”, and raise you one “Hey, Greg Evans! Show, don’t tell!”

  44. Marion Delgado
    March 30th, 2010 at 3:30 am [Reply]

    Hi and Lois are 1 million strong against our socialist library system!

  45. This Guy
    March 30th, 2010 at 3:59 am [Reply]

    Hi and Lois:
    To Messrs. Walker and Browne: Yes, as the saying goes, “There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.” Economics is based entirely upon the fact that we have unlimited wants and limited resources, meaning that choices must be made and opportunity costs paid. However, if it had not been for the free access to libraries that I have been privileged to enjoy throughout my life, I might now be the kind of person who finds Hi and Lois funny, and that is a cost more dear than can be measured. Therefore, I hope you will appreciate my complete sincerity and depth of feeling when I say “fuck you.” Thank you for your time.

  46. KarMann
    March 30th, 2010 at 4:10 am [Reply]

    3/30 H&L: OK, now that I’ve calmed down a bit, I can see that this is meant as a thinly-veiled allegory. But it really doesn’t help it as a metaphor when the literal take on it is so freakin’ wrong. I know a few people in the small bookstore business, and trust me, they aren’t worrying about competition from the local library. It’s all about capitalistic behemoths like Amazon first & foremost, and to some degree the big bricks-and-mortar chains like Barnes & Noble and Borders. That’s what’s putting the corner bookstores out of business, not by any stretch the libraries. So, if we were to assume that this was a well-crafted metaphor, the takeaway would be that while some ignorami might blame healthcare reform for the closing of your local doctor’s office or small insurer, the real culprit is the big insurance companies, your Humanas and Aetnas and the like, which should presumably be burnt to the ground. Who knew Walker & Browne were such anarchists?

  47. AirForbes
    March 30th, 2010 at 4:13 am [Reply]

    I watched the Marmaduke trailer, and thought, “Well, it doesn’t look any worse than Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties“.

    The dancing dogs look horribly fake.

  48. Christi
    March 30th, 2010 at 4:19 am [Reply]

    “Ruriko also has a dressmaker boyfriend and a potato face brother that dates a fireman futanari.”

    Oh, ye gods, YES! Toni as a futa makes the strip make SO MUCH more sense!

  49. Little Guy
    March 30th, 2010 at 7:05 am [Reply]

    WOO! I made the Float! Congrats to my fellow Floaters!

    S-M: Peter thinking clearly AND MJ Fanservice? BEST. STRIP. EVER!

    JP: “…and if I’M not getting any, NO ONE is!”

  50. Some Guy
    March 30th, 2010 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    You guys might like to know that Shortpacked! (which gave us “Funky Cancercancer” and “My Mother is F’ing Insane”) has now set it’s sites on Luann.

  51. John C Fremont
    March 30th, 2010 at 7:37 am [Reply]

    DT – Hey, whichever one of you guys predicted the other day that the Maestro and the surviving band members would form a tribute band, get ready to stand up and take a bow.

  52. LP2004
    March 30th, 2010 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    MW – I wouldn’t have thought it possible that something so banal could be so menacing. Looking at the second panel, I can’t shake the feeling that Mary’s idea of ‘getting to know (them) better’ might involve fava beans and a nice Chianti.

  53. Joshua
    March 30th, 2010 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    You know the Internet fad where people supply new subtitles for Hitler’s rant in the movie “Downfall”? I can’t help but think that the “Marmaduke” movie is going to get connected into that.

  54. coinstacker
    March 30th, 2010 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    @KarMann (#46): Yes — small bookstores and libraries have co-existed for a long time. That strip missed the mark.

  55. Len
    March 30th, 2010 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    What the… I’m on the float! I’M ON THE FLOAT! [Waves hand like Queen Elizabeth] In honor of Passover, I’m tossing matzoh balls…

  56. Morndew
    March 31st, 2010 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    Wait! 9CWL…there’s a barbed wire fence between them. Does that mean that hands-for once-do not mean hot randy war-time sex?

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