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Worst. Summer. Ever.

Gil Thorp, 8/18/10

I feel like I’m turning into one of those old people who are always whining about how much better things used to be in the Old Days, when you could get drunk at lunch on weekdays and children were allowed to work in garment factories, but: summer used to mean something in Gil Thorp, man. It meant total madness. Remember 2007? Coach Kaz pimped himself out as a freelance badass and Gil taught a one-legged kid to box, in the same year? The seasons used to follow a predictable, stately rhythm: football, basketball, baseball/softball, lunacy.

But in 2010, this has now been downgraded to football, basketball, baseball/softball, golf. This summer hasn’t even had a hilarious b-plot to distract us from the annoying overbearing-father-cheating-on-golfing-son’s-behalf bull hockey we’ve been subjected to. Today’s the first time in nearly a month I’ve felt any compulsion to comment on the strip, and it’s just to note that Gil, having against all odds defeated the evil overbearing dad with his usual half-assed psychological warfare techniques, has decided to reward himself by getting blotto and watching the young people he’s ostensibly supposed to be coaching from the safe distance of the golf course’s clubhouse.

Mary Worth, 8/18/10

Wow, remember yesterday when I made a very silly and totally unrealistic joke about Richie getting gunned down in a drive-by? Well, it turns out that I can kill comics characters with my mind. Whom shall I mark for death next? Marvin? Brad DeGroot? Marvin and Brad in some kind of murder-suicide pact?

127 responses to “Worst. Summer. Ever.”

  1. Rev_Ed
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    Hmmm. . . .the Marvin / Brad angle is awesome. If you could drag down that fucking Jeffy while you’re at it, I’d be a happy happy man.

  2. HAMMY THE SQUIRREL!
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:02 am [Reply]

    JOSH! DON’T KILL WITH YOUR MIND, USE IT FOR GOOD NOT EVIL!
    MAKE EVERYONE IN FUNKEY WINDERBEAN HAPPY AND PRODUCTIVE PEOPLE!

    hhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeee! that's ridiculous

  3. Aviatrix
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:02 am [Reply]

    The Family Circus in a gruesome home invasion, please.

  4. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:04 am [Reply]

    Oh, Josh? MARMADUKE.

  5. Ed Dravecky
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    Unfortunately for Richie, Greedo’s family had connections in the Detroit mob but only a very grainy photo of Han Solo to work from.

  6. LibraryLad
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    I enjoy it how in the Mary Worthverse, bullets not only do grevious harm to individuals, resulting in 5 specks of blood, but also to cause the victim to age at least 40 years. All we can hope now is that Ritchie is able to find some comfort in the sympathy pains of his friend whose hair has turned irrevocably gray almost as fast as Ritchie’s vest has turned blue.

  7. Uncle Lumpy
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    Brad! Brad! Brad!

  8. CanuckDownSouth
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    Josh, do you need silver bullets against zombies? because I think we’d all chip in to get reFOOB.

  9. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:08 am [Reply]

    How much beer does it take to get drunk when you’re washing down a big-ass burger? Well, if the cash-strapped school ever presses Gil into teaching math and/or science, expect to find out.

  10. Uncle Lumpy
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth — Check out the smoke from those wheels: what kind of a lame-ass gangsta drills his target from a front-wheel-drive econobox? Man, things were sure better in the Old Days.

  11. Walker of Dog
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    Was your mind responsible for the car falling on Rusty? Don’t leave a job half-done… Finish him!

  12. Bill the Butcher
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:23 am [Reply]

    Oh, Josh, just get a mental machine gun and do a number on the entire cast of Luann, barring perhaps Knute, Crystal and TJ. Also while you’re about it, take Spiderman down.

    Of course, Josh, I suppose you have got it figured that you’ll be putting yourself out of a job if you kill all these characters? No? Never mind, we’ll still love you anyway.

  13. wicked-witch-west
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    I can’t believe you didn’t develop the power to kill with your mind while FOOB was an active strip.

    I’m thinking Cathy, or Marvin.

  14. fishmorgjp
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    Josh, use your fat-sedentary-heavy-eyelidded character eraser, and eliminate Marvin and Garfield at the same time, wouldya, huh, wouldya?

  15. Shawn S.
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    If Brad dies in a drive-by shooting with Dirk I will be the happiest person on this site.

  16. Bill the Butcher
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:28 am [Reply]

    You know, looking at yesterday’s strip, I find the car had to make a 180 degree turn and come back round in order to shoot the frolickin’ frolicker there. It was going the other way yesterday, unless of course it was another speedin’ wheelsmokin’ car.

  17. nemo
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth – I guess there is no doubt who shot first.

  18. Poor Thompson
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    Riddle: What’s the difference between Mary Worth and Spiderman ? Answer: One is a strip containing gunfights, crime-fighting, exploding cars, and a villain with terrifying powers, and the other is about a guy in tights who whines and sleeps on the couch.

  19. Trilobite
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:36 am [Reply]

    And that was when Lonnie set himself upon the path of revenge. Abandoning his wife and child, he joined the Army and learned to be a killing machine. Later, he was loaned out to a CIA black-ops team tasked with the covert assassination of international leaders and criminals…but he never forgot his friend Richie. Even when he spent three bad years in the depths of a Turkish prison (which in the world of Mary Worth has cracked plaster and tattered curtains, just like any other hellhole), Lonnie remembered his mission.

    From there, he went around the world, seeking information on the Man In The Blue Ford, but to no avail. The trail was cold, and Richie’s death would never be avenged. He sank into alcoholism, his once-deadly aim now ruined by a permanent case of the shakes. Depressed and forlorn, he slunk back to Santa Royale to drink himself to death, where he learned that the Man In The Blue Ford had died peacefully in bed six years earlier. Lonnie wept for three solid weeks. His life had been a complete waste.

    But one more agonizing failure lay in wait for poor Lonnie: his estranged son was now a doctor who had stayed in Santa Royale, flopping his arms around and whining like a giant baby about how not knowing his dad had made him incapable of falling in love, or even going on dates.

  20. tb4000
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    MW: If Richie had just sold Big Worm’s weed instead of smoking it up on Craig’s front porch, this shit wouldn’t have happened.

  21. BigTed
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    Given his well-known catchphrase, it’s obvious that Richie was just gunned down by that murderous punk Bamm-Bamm Rubble. Don’t mess with Bedrock, Charterstone!

  22. Charlene
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    @LibraryLad (#6): I don’t know if he’s aged 40 years. I think it turned him into Brian Mulroney.

  23. Aviatrix
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    Python Command, Agent Savarna calling.
    Copy Savarna, Python Command. What do you have for us?
    Command, this operative is calling to report information on the names and location of the Phantom’s children, his reaction to apparent contact with Diana, and his sexual proclivities.
    Agent, we already have detailed information on the children and the Phantom’s travel plans from international switchboard, go ahead the sex tips.

  24. Stu
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    Does Gil Thorp always eat his pancakes with gin and tonics?

  25. CanuckDownSouth
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    I didn’t notice it with the blond, but it *is* The Chin!

  26. CanuckDownSouth
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    oops. thought I was responding to Charlene#22

  27. Basil and Leroy
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:51 am [Reply]

    Yeah, I know it’s all in the game, Omar, but Ritchie was a tax-payer. Also, by the look of the tires on that drive-by-mobile, where they’re going they don’t need roads.

  28. bats :[
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#5): har! (i love u, ed)

    Here at the site, it’s nice to see that modcloth.com seems to have hired on Jules as a designer (there’s a recurring shoe ad), and I don’t know what to think of the ad for a new steampunk novel that looks to be a lot more steamy and a lot less punky.

    Speaking of 8/19:

    MC: dammit. I’m hooked.

    RMMD: my quiet speculation has been realized: Stu and Rose decorate their home at the “Art…of a Kind” Gallery.

    Oh, yeah — STFU, Kit. Remember how Chatu was sick in the jungle? He could’ve died a natural, painful death, but NOOOOO…Ghost-Who-Pontificates had to save his life so that “real justice” could be served.
    Where’s your Diana now?

  29. Roman Fingers
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    @Bill the Butcher (#16): And then he did another 180 to speed off in the direction he was traveling originally.

  30. Revenge of Chesnut
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    I think Mary Worth is teaching us an important lesson about the inevitable random cruelty of urban vigilante fashion police. There’s no excuse for what they’ve done, but seriously: don’t ever go out on the streets in a vest, kids.

  31. Aviatrix
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: There are only so many outcomes here. We know that they both live and they are now friends as a result of the experience, so that excludes possibilities where one dies or one throws the other to the wolves. They could both fight well and scramble out of there like cockroaches when the lights go on. One could save the other’s life. They could quell the mob through heroic oration. Ah I know. They kill a man to scare the others away and then work together to cover it up and avoid the authorities. Nothing tightens up a relationship like the knowledge that your buddy could turn you in. Oh wait, I forgot, the most likely option. The fight is invigorating but not a life changing event. It’s the three days of passion in the hotel together afterward that cements them for life.

  32. Trilobite
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:01 am [Reply]

    @Trilobite (#19): I can’t believe it, I was right!

    I don’t think you guys really appreciate how unnerving it is to be right about what’ll happen next in Mary Worth. This must be what going mad feels like.

  33. Aviatrix
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    MT: So what are they feeding that giant mutant fawn? Pasteurized 2% cow’s milk? For all the sense this story is making it’s probably 7UP. With a liberal splash of gin.

  34. Citric
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    I feel the need to say 9CL has the worst text in the history of words.

  35. Alfred E. Neuman
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    Josh, as much as it pains me to ask, please perform a mercy killing on my favorite, dear, sweet, lovable ravenously incestuous bisexual harridan, Bernice. Once, she was a comics superstar in the making, leading on a lesbian bookstore manager to her professional doom, lusting openly and greedily after her half-brother, and putting a sly but unmistakable move on Luann. There seemed to be no limit to her erotically perverse potential. As the sportscasters like to say, she had a great future ahead of her. However, in the past year, Evans has completely de-kinked her, leaving her blander than Brad, with only token appearances in the strip. She has become a hollow, asexual shell of her former self. So it’s time to take her out. Please do it in a quick, merciful way. I don’t want to see her suffer any more than she already has.

  36. Mibbitmaker
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    9 CL’s Thorax, Josh! KILL THORAX!!

  37. Uncle Lumpy
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:16 am [Reply]

    Hey, kill Cathy — just for spite!

    Mmm … spite!

  38. ElkMeadow
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:20 am [Reply]

    Given how the broken plaster and lath look is so common in Mary Worth, I’d say that economically, Mike and Mom might have been better off without Dad. He wasn’t home any time anyway, what with all the frolicking around ont the street that he was doing with his “closer than a brother” cousin (was I the only one who was thinking “incest”?)

    Yeah, without Dad, Mike’s mom got a job and because Dad wasn’t around to spend his paycheck Richie anymore they moved out to a nice apartment, being as he was being raised by a single parent and didn’t have to put up with Richie and his dad dancing around the place, Mike was able to score a high GPA and snag some good size educational grants, spend years in med school and was able to concentrate without all that dating games stuff, save money by living at home with Mom on breaks, and become a psychiatrist in a hospital, where he wouldn’t have to worry about scheduling office hours or paying his own receptionist. Heck, even the hospital set up his office with foyer left-over furniture.

    Lonnie’s story reminds me of Anthony in the park, back in the day after he gave Howard Bunt an ear-tweaking and demanded that he apologize to Liz. “Gee, I never had anything to fight for before,” because his marriage and his baby girl sure weren’t worth the dirt Liz Patterson walked on. So, yeah, Richie meant more to Lonnie than the wife and the kid. Which brings me back to the shabby apartment–they didn’t mean anything to him in the first place.

  39. Mibbitmaker
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:20 am [Reply]

    Just saw Thursday’s 9CL. No, Peter Kiesl (who is Paul McCartney dead), it isn’t crowded enough in that grave — THORAX ISN’T IN IT!!

    (Jeez, I really don’t like that character, do I?)

  40. ElkMeadow
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#39):

    I suspect that even the “Gee, I LIKE 9CWL” crew despises Thorax. I know I sure do, and I appreciate every warning I get here and at calvinsdad at LJ when he’s in the strip. Save me so much time and aggrevation not to look.

  41. bats :[
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    @Trilobite (#32): geez, you and Josh could cut a swatch of cartoonish death and destruction if put your minds together. The synergy would crush whole strips!
    So…what are you waiting for?

  42. NoahSnark
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:25 am [Reply]

    Despite dressing like Han Solo, Richie didn’t shoot first.

  43. Ed Dravecky
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    @Arturo (#y209): Stan Lee would get in a lot of trouble if he tried. A villain named “The Disc Jockey” made his comics debut in a “Dial H for Hero” story included in New Adventures of Superboy #29 back in May 1982. The synopsis I found online says, “A villain riding a giant flying record player comes to Fairfax, and Chris and Vicki must dial up some heroes to deal with him.”

    Fun fact: The inker on that story? Joe Giella.

    Sad fact: It’s harder than you might think to create a villain so lame that somebody else hasn’t already sunk that low.

  44. Poteet
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:33 am [Reply]

    Good lord, Josh, you didn’t just kill Richie. You horribly aged him first. Thank you for the invitation to nominate other candidates for the same fate, but I don’t want to take advantage by listing thirty-plus. So I’ll try to think of the one I most want to see aged and killed. This won’t be easy.

  45. Nekrotzar
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:33 am [Reply]

    I think Josh should try to take out Margo McGee. Just to see what would happen. I’m guessing it rebounds and kills Tommie. And six months later, somebody notices.

  46. bunivasal
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    Richie, struck by drive-by aging ray, goes from twenty-something Han Solo cosplayer to beak-nosed octogenarian coronary victim in mere seconds

  47. Rana
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    What is UP! with this repeated naming of unfortunate animals “Lucky” in Mark Trail? What? WHAT?!

  48. bunivasal
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    Richie, struck by drive-by aging ray, goes from twenty-something Han Solo cosplayer to beak-nosed octogenarian coronary victim in mere seconds.

  49. bunivasal
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:37 am [Reply]

    Grammatical error correcting double post!

  50. Poteet
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:38 am [Reply]

    8/19 MT — Another “Lucky”? Another goddamn “Lucky”? This is a sign from heaven. No, from hell. Kill Rusty, Josh! Age and kill him! Do it now!

  51. Ed Dravecky
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    I’m not a vengeful person but if I had to pick one current comics character to die in a hail of bullets, I’d pick Tank McNamara. Nothing personal, but he’s taking up space better used by Major Indoor Soccer League box scores or transaction details for the new World Football League.

  52. True Fable
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    Apartment Double D Geez, Luann, we fucking get it. You don’t want to cut your hair. Never mind that it will grow back or grow out or that you in all likelihood will not remember anything about it once you spy the next shiny object. Give it a rest.

  53. Bill the Butcher
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    @Trilobite (#32): Hell on earth, you were. And are you also responsible for the fact that Lonnie has apparently been wearing the same outfit from the moment he left his wife and son to the moment he stumbled out of the bushes, a vacuous zombie figure? It’s just gone grey along with his hair!

  54. Thomas B.
    August 19th, 2010 at 2:07 am [Reply]

    The MW coloring team should have known that changing Richie’s vest from black to light blue in that neighborhood would have made him the target of gang violence. Sure we all laughed at Dr. Mike’s frequent dye jobs, or Dawn’s instant wardrobe changes; nobody got hurt then. But dammit now they’ve gone too far!

  55. Jeremiah
    August 19th, 2010 at 2:09 am [Reply]

    @Poor Thompson (#18): I… I just might be in love with your riddling prowess… not in a weird way – more akin to the love Mary has for delicate crystal swans.

    I’ll throw in my vote for Josh-mind-murder victim. I ask you to off one of Hi and Lois’s kids, just to see if they mourn like normal people or just continue with the unfunny jokes. Baby: “Daddy said big brother went to live on a farm.”

    9CL – Well, it’s nice to see that 9CL foreigners are just as disgustingly sanguine and hideously coy-tastic as the insipid 9CL Americans.

    FW – Please God, let the flashback house be Judge Parker’s.

  56. Roman Fingers
    August 19th, 2010 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    9CL: We called it–misprinted obit. If the Times actually checked stuff, we would have been spared almost a year of handsex.

    A3G: Lu Ann, repeat after me: Margo is on Margo’s side.

    DtM: Great–the Funky smirk virus has infected Dennis.

    DT: It appears that the funds for sensitivity training was cut from the police budget.

    FC: I’ll just point out that if Jeffy can dig that whole about six feet deeper, it’ll probably collapse on him. Not saying that I’d want that, just pointing it out.

    Lockhorns: Think big picture, Leroy. You two go on a cruise, and she mysteriously disappears in the dead of night.

    MT: They had to tell us it’s the doorbell? Are we dumb enough that we’d have lost the plot if she’d said “I wonder who’s at the door” or “I’d better go answer the door”. Maybe that’s tomorrow’s panel 1.

    MW: This is kind of neat–dad continues to be played by a different actor in every panel. In panel 1, it’s Olan Soule, and panel 2 is Steve Allen. It’s the kind of thing “The Drew Carey Show” would have tried.

  57. Roman Fingers
    August 19th, 2010 at 2:11 am [Reply]

    DT: “training were cut”. Me bestest English speecher on board.

  58. Mibbitmaker
    August 19th, 2010 at 2:16 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#41): Hey, it worked with Cathy!

  59. True Fable
    August 19th, 2010 at 2:34 am [Reply]

    Cathy Must Die The sooner the better.

    Children of the Circle There’s sand in Hell?

    Finky Winkerstinker Why is Miss Thoughtlessly Cruel dragging him somewhere he’s not comfortable? Oh yeah, this is a Batuik production.

    Roach I laughed aloud at today’s strip, but that is not unusual because it’s a consistantly funny comic.

    Luannadana Oh Aaron you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind Hey Aaron! Hey Aaron! this earworm brought to you today by the letters F and U.

    Fist O Justice Theater The mother thinks it’s a boy deer? Holy crap, kid, don’t bother to listen to “The Talk” from your mother.

    Marmadick He’ll eat anything.

    Kit Walker, Stupid Ranger Wait, the guy who doesn’t bother to find out if his wife is actually dead or not, now believes the Python knows about the kids? Why? How? Maybe the Exposition Fairy wanted to hurry things along and got ahead of himself?

    6 tits Shut up. Just shut up. The bandwagon has gone on by and you’re not really even trying, at that.

  60. Lupin the 3rd
    August 19th, 2010 at 2:37 am [Reply]

    Man, not only can the shooter do rapid 180′s, he’s got either the world’s longest arm or the smallest sedan ever made. Where the heck would his head fit in there? I suggest he try Perspective! For Comic Book Artists: How to Achieve a Professional Look in Your Artwork (Paperback) by David Chelsea. $14.93 on Amazon.

  61. Simian Prime
    August 19th, 2010 at 2:46 am [Reply]

    Mark the entirety of “Crock” for death.

    Carpet-bomb that godforsaken desert, until it turns into a sheet of glass.

  62. Aviatrix
    August 19th, 2010 at 2:58 am [Reply]

    MTWho’s at the door? It’s that deer up on her hind legs, hammering the doorbell. And she’s brought some giant ducks, a house-sized skunk and a friend of mine’s pet bear. Not Molly though. This one definitely understands the hostility. This one brings the hostility.

  63. Wombat18
    August 19th, 2010 at 2:58 am [Reply]

    Garfield. It’s his time. It’s been his time since 1983.

  64. Judas Peckerwood
    August 19th, 2010 at 2:58 am [Reply]

    Josh, it wasn’t you killing with your mind. It’s just that no none — no one — like mimes.

  65. Aleit
    August 19th, 2010 at 3:05 am [Reply]

    @9CL – Oooh, Kiesl just delivered a wall-of-text! That’s better than a DNA test, they are related.

  66. Jason1981
    August 19th, 2010 at 3:13 am [Reply]

    Curtis: Well, Curtis, the heat wave probably isn’t so bad for someone who isn’t stupid enough to wear a long-sleeved shirt, jeans, and a sweater IN THE SUMMER, YOU MORON!

  67. Just some guy
    August 19th, 2010 at 3:18 am [Reply]

    Crock. Please.

  68. Aleit
    August 19th, 2010 at 3:20 am [Reply]

    I have to say that McE knows something about continuity. Kiesl’s names were actually , which makes the story of the wrong obit a little, tiny bit more believable. The sad thing is I remembered where to look for them.

  69. Aleit
    August 19th, 2010 at 3:23 am [Reply]

    @Aleit (#68): * Peter Johann Martin Franz. Preview is your friend.

  70. dale
    August 19th, 2010 at 3:24 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp – one of the worst resolutions in a long time.
    How did Gil approach Carl: (1) People say Kemper cheats, so we’ll act like the rumors are true. (2) I think you’re cheating to help Kemper.
    Either way, why would Carl cave instead of starting with outrage? Unless Carl thinks Kemper is also cheating, he wouldn’t even have to lie about his son not being a cheater.
    Even if Carl goes public, it might not stop the rumors. And it might start questions about Torrey.

  71. The Ghost of Jarrod
    August 19th, 2010 at 3:25 am [Reply]

    Kill Toni Daytona. Then Brad and TJ can finally consummate their love guilt-free.
    Alternately, destroy the Winkerverse, because those characters have suffered enough.

  72. Aviatrix
    August 19th, 2010 at 4:01 am [Reply]

    @Aleit (#68): What would have been really sad is if you had had his full name memorized.

  73. Aviatrix
    August 19th, 2010 at 4:07 am [Reply]

    @Trilobite (#32): Being right about a Mary Worth character neglecting responsibilities because someone hasn’t been sufficiently meddled wins no prizes. Think how Josh feels for predicting a random drive by. That was supposed to be a joke. To have it come true is like having tomorrows A3G end in a satisfied-looking Margo walking away from a blood-splattered studio, casually shouldering a designer handbag.

  74. Roman Fingers
    August 19th, 2010 at 4:23 am [Reply]

    Luann: After your attempt at lyrics, Quill, you really shouldn’t be questioning anybody else about whether their lyrics are any good. Frankly, I’d expect Puddles to write better.

  75. Mumblix Grumph
    August 19th, 2010 at 4:33 am [Reply]

    I suspect it was Ed Norton busting a cap in Ritchie’s ass for stealing his look.

  76. Rocky Stoneaxe
    August 19th, 2010 at 5:22 am [Reply]

    Soup to Nutz — Andrew pretends to be Speed Racer!

    Marmaduke — It’s Monster vs. Aliens!

    Scary Gary — That’s gonna leave a (stretch) mark!

    Herb & Jamaal — Mulligan stew has only been around for a hundred years or so… (Herb, don’t use words like “new” or “improved” if you don’t know what they mean!)

    9CL — Speaking of words and their meaning, Brooke McEldowney buries us… in exposition!

  77. The Ridger
    August 19th, 2010 at 5:30 am [Reply]

    Archie: What the hell? Why is somebody driving the green while Archie and Jughead and putting? Has Mr Lodge paid off someone to kill Archie in a golfing “accident” only they hit the wrong player? Or have they just been taking so long to line up their putts that the twosome behind the twosome behind them finally snapped?

  78. Rocky Stoneaxe
    August 19th, 2010 at 5:42 am [Reply]

    B.C. — Wolf-dog goes to the beach… and picks up a souvenir or two!

    Did you know that MICK AND MASON MASTROIANNI are developing a new comic strip… with dogs as the main characters? It’s called “The Dogs of C-Kennel” and sample strips are posted on the Creators Syndicate website!

  79. John C Fremont
    August 19th, 2010 at 6:01 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#62): COTW!

    Oh, and I second the nomination – Thorax!

    MT – Yep. Lucky. Rhymes with Bucky. Elrod’s doing this on purpose.

    MW – And today he’s Robert Stack. Tomorrow can he please be Lloyd Bridges? Please?

    GT – Yes, he just needs to break on through. He also needs to ride the snake, but that’s beside the point.

    And stop calling me Shirley.

  80. Rocky Stoneaxe
    August 19th, 2010 at 6:15 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth — Here lies… Lonnie!

    La Cucaracha — Gut(ter) snipe!

    Crankshaft — Beanball + Jefferson + Angry Mob = Cuban Sandwich!

    Heathcliff — What a bunch of flea dips!

    Mark Trail — Uh oh… Elrod’s running out of “-ucky” names!

  81. Sgt Saunders
    August 19th, 2010 at 6:15 am [Reply]

    @Stu (#24):

    Yes.

  82. Ninja Post
    August 19th, 2010 at 6:26 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: So golf is just like kung-fu? To enjoy golf, one must know the true meaning of golf? This coming from someone who thinks the true meaning of coaching is to wait for someone to do his job, then sit back and watch the team miss the playdowns again?

    As for the summer story, the only interesting thing about it is Torrey Peake, future dominatrix.

  83. But What Do I Know?
    August 19th, 2010 at 6:45 am [Reply]

    GT–What in the name of God is a “wild golf ball?” Is it an event that Tiger Woods used to frequent?

  84. gleeb
    August 19th, 2010 at 6:51 am [Reply]

    ‘bean: The desire to do the job right this time and leave a child dead is rising in Wally.

    Jules the Hapless: Uh oh, you’ve revealed to Sam that you’re not actually rich. Time for him to get the police on you.

  85. ArchieNemesis
    August 19th, 2010 at 7:04 am [Reply]

    Here’s where Mary Worth and Funky Winkerbean and many movie narratives are annoyingly unrealistic: nobody ever gets over it. In real life, bad experiences occur, and you learn from them, and move on. But in FW, the ex-soldier almost kills a kid; now he’s haunted by kids forEVER. And in MW, a friend dies, so the man abandons his family and wanders forlorn forEVER. Real human beings are resilient. In comics and movies, everyone is emotionally crippled by every little thing. A dog growled at you once and now you’re doomed to cower in fear at every passing poodle; sure, that’s how life works. Get over it!

  86. zerowolf
    August 19th, 2010 at 7:20 am [Reply]

    GT: Is a wild golfball any relation to a Jackelrod ball?

  87. zerowolf
    August 19th, 2010 at 7:20 am [Reply]

    FC: Dolly is thinking just a few more inches deeper I can shove this dirt over him.

  88. Patrick
    August 19th, 2010 at 7:37 am [Reply]

    Either the streets are littered with blank pieces of copier paper in the second panel of Mary Worth, or that getaway car is speeding so fast it took the windows right off the brick building in the distance.

  89. Tom Allen
    August 19th, 2010 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    Josh, you’re like that painter guy back when “Heroes” was interesting. Please don’t foresee your own death, though, at least until Gunther fucks LuAnn. If that ever happens, I’ll bring the Kool-Aid.

  90. Scott Bot
    August 19th, 2010 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth – ‘…and that’s when I became Batman…’

  91. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    August 19th, 2010 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    MT: “That’s the doorbell!”—Someone’s been practicing with her flashcards!

    JP: That’s some look of grim determination on Sam’s face. “As god is my witness, Jules, 150-pound models will strut the catwalk in your shoes!” Strap on a can, Sam, and have a go at that business plan!

    MW: You can see the wheels turning in Dr. Mike’s head in panel 1. “Hmmmm….,” he thinks. “My father is a trembling, pathetic old man. This is whom I’ve mourned and resented all these years? Hunh. Where’s that Jenna chick’s phone number again?”

    A3G: Oh! Oh! I have an idea, Luann! You know how hotel rooms have doors? Why don’t you just walk out of this one?

    @Roman Fingers (#56): re FC: My thought exactly. I remembered that digging a deep hole in the sand can be dangerous, leading to its collapse on the digger. And then I thought, so, you know, keep on digging, kid.

  92. Tom Allen
    August 19th, 2010 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Or rather, “…and that’s when I became Alfred…”

  93. Amateur
    August 19th, 2010 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    MW: Lonnie the Zombie is a vigilante! This just keeps getting better and better!

  94. sugarpie
    August 19th, 2010 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    9CL “…a minor industrialist.” This says so much about McE.
    ‘No one really important, such as myself. You know, an outstanding former nazi opera singer feted the world over for my good looks, unparalled sense of honor while deflowering American youth and, of course, my perfect posture.”

  95. teenchy
    August 19th, 2010 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    @Lupin the 3rd (#60): I like how the car grew side marker lights from one day to the next. Kind of like how the Charger in Bullitt kept growing hubcaps.

  96. John E.
    August 19th, 2010 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    GT – “Well, Kemper, your work experience and education shows you are just the sort of person we look for as a Junior Executive here at Acme Industries, but on further review of your Permanent Record, we found a very serious accusation of cheating during your High School years. Very serious indeed. I’m afraid that we cannot consider you for this position. Good day sir. I said Good Day!”

  97. Jimbo
    August 19th, 2010 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    FW – You know, if you’re that messed up from war maybe you shouldn’t be living unsupervised? Not to trivialize the problems of vet coming back home but if a county fair sends you into a hardcore flashback you need to be getting help in an institution somewhere.

  98. Anonymous
    August 19th, 2010 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#23):

    I’m kind of hoping that when the Phantom and his new seagoing stalker girlfriend find Diana and spring her from prison, but then Savarna and Diana both realize what a putz he is. They run off together with the kids and leave him to mope alone in his Skull Mountain lair.

  99. Mark55025
    August 19th, 2010 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    It turns out Josh is that kid from the Twilight Zone.

  100. Edgy DC
    August 19th, 2010 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    That’s a hell of a big piece that gangster is riding around with in his sweet two-door Dodge Aries K. It’s a good thing he has that ice chest riding shotgun to help steady his aim.

  101. These Strange Worlds
    August 19th, 2010 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    Josh: Howabout crashing the cast of Agnes and Dinette Set together into a deformed mass of Philadelphia Experiment-fused protoplasm. That would make room for you to use your powers of good to revive Liberty Meadows from zombiedom. (zombiensss? zombiosity?)

    Speaking of LM, the story almost (but not quite) reached the end of the storyline I’d previously seen in the comic version, then reset by about a year and is back in re-repeats. or is it re-repeats? Does anyone know if there was ever a continuation of post-race, Brandy nearly married narrative? eBay says not.

  102. TheDiva
    August 19th, 2010 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    Well, Cathy’s going to die a natural death soon enough, and anyone in Funky Winkerbean would only thank you for the favor, so my vote goes to Gunther. The sooner we don’t have to put up with his creepy “Nice Guy” antics being passed off as a charming crush, the better.

    On a related note, I’m guessing Karen Moy’s idea of gangland violence is equal parts West Side Story and those chain e-mails warning about flashing drivers who have their headlights turned off.

    Today’s comics:

    9CL: And this is one convoluted plot twist. Just because you sing in operas doesn’t mean your life resembles one.

    A3G: Maybe I should read this one more often. Anyone stupid and/or crazy enough to be kept awake by the idea of her hair getting cut has got to be prime snark bait.

    Cathy: ….On second thought, Cathy’s demise can’t come soon enough. Forty-four days to go, forty-four days…

    DT: “Good, this means we can forgo any DNA testing or dental record confirmation. I’m sure there’s no way you’ve misidentified the body.”

    FW: Wally is now convinced that at any moment he might snap and start strangling random toddlers. Of course it’s the Funkyverse, so that’s actually a reasonable fear.

    Luann: Crush-inspired poems written by a teenage girl. Sondheim-caliber material right there, I can tell you.

    MW: If it turns out that the drive-by shooter was a robber that Lonnie didn’t stop when he had the chance, I’m quitting.

    Pluggers go to college? Since when?

  103. Dennis Jimenez
    August 19th, 2010 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    100 – I’d make it a 1979 Datsun 310 – Bil Keane still drives one….

  104. spike
    August 19th, 2010 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#102): Re: 9CL

    Convoluted plot twist? Aren’t you ready to sit back for another nine months of this yarn? And to think that only earlier toady in the Judge Parkerverse was poor Neddy lamenting the fact that her life is a soap opera…

  105. Alfred E. Neuman
    August 19th, 2010 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#77) said: “Archie: What the hell? Why is somebody driving the green while Archie and Jughead and putting? Has Mr Lodge paid off someone to kill Archie in a golfing “accident” only they hit the wrong player? Or have they just been taking so long to line up their putts that the twosome behind the twosome behind them finally snapped?”

    Answer: None of the above. It’s a Tiger Woods tee shot from an adjacent hole.

  106. Bootsy
    August 19th, 2010 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Josh,

    Please take out Barry from Curtis. I hate that little shit.

  107. Bootsy
    August 19th, 2010 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    A3G “No fair”?! Seriously, Luann, what are you, eight? I’ll bet you still cry every time you get your hair cut.

  108. Mordock999
    August 19th, 2010 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    WHO to Kill, Josh?

    Heres a Hint:

    ________________________
    DEATH to TJ!!!

  109. LP2004
    August 19th, 2010 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    @These Strange Worlds (#101): Liberty Meadows lost me pretty quickly after it started running in the Washington Post way back when. Frank Cho obviously has serious drawing talent, but when I read the strip I always got a mental picture of him sitting at his drawing board thinking “Well, which is it today? Rip off ‘Bloom County’, or rip off old ’50s-era Mad Magazine gags? I know – I’ll do both!”

  110. Walker of Dog
    August 19th, 2010 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @Roman Fingers (#29): The driver executed a celebratory doughnut after the takedown.

    @Rana (#47): Agreed. The next abandoned/kidnapped animal should be named “Pariah”, “Shunnee”, or “Accursed”, just to mix things up a bit.

    Hey, Josh, if you really want to test your new killing skills, you might try taking down Helen Clark. But if you fail, may God have mercy on your soul.

  111. Carlo
    August 19th, 2010 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    Josh, what’s more amazing is the fact that you can bend time to make the artist retroactively alter the storyline (given deadlines on comics submissions).

  112. Master Softheart
    August 19th, 2010 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    GT: Gil puts down his beer, winds up the self-righteousness and prepares to teach Peake the true meaning of golf.

    9CL: Didn’t Harry Lime have a story something like this? Can we expect someone to die by sniper fire from the Riesenrad?

    JP:Despite his effusive empathy and a mild buzz, Sam can’t stop an instinctive sneer of class-based contempt when he hears about Jules’ finances.

    Phantom!: President Lamanda beats his own ministers senseless over unproved corruption charges, but he’s unwilling to see to it that the Garter Snake has a shiv-related accident in prison? Maybe he just doesn’t have what it takes for African politics….

  113. Red Greenback
    August 19th, 2010 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    Leave Mavin out of this. You should know better than anyone that typos are strictly off-limits.

  114. Jym
    August 19th, 2010 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    =v= MW: Santa Royale is a dangerous place. It’s best not to ever leave the Charterstone Condo Compound.

  115. Stu
    August 19th, 2010 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt Saunders (#81): That explains everything.

  116. Dagger
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    You should go Inglourious Basterds on the comics section in the newspaper I read. You could incinerate everyone in Mark Trail, Beetle Bailey, Garfield, Dennis the Menace, Nancy, Crankshaft, Hi and Lois, For Better or For Worse, Luann, and Blondie. Not sure if unloading an automatic rifle into Marmaduke would really do any damage, though.

  117. Aviatrix
    August 19th, 2010 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#98): I can see that. I don’t even see Mr. Stripey-Butt getting too bent up about it. He’d walk around the place a bit, settle into his skull throne and turn on that Internet TV his kids set up. Maybe he could have Spider-Man over for beers.

  118. a href
    August 19th, 2010 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    Josh, I wish you had used your powers to get rid of Anthony about the same time Farley drowned.

    Oh and Cathy, from “Cathy” about the same time.

    Sad that all these years went by without your realizing the power was in you. The. Whole. Time.

    Sad.

  119. demoncat
    August 19th, 2010 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    as much as i would love to see that Brad and Marvin angle happen. a better angle would be Marmaduke goes nuts and takes out the family circus spawn and mary worth in a rampage. then eats Brad for dessert for even Marmuduke is no match for Marvin

  120. Bizarro Stormy
    August 19th, 2010 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    @LibraryLad (#6):

    Not only do dying Mary Worth characters age suddenly, their clothes also change color in the process.

  121. Byeynyn
    August 19th, 2010 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    MW: “And three shots were fired, each louder than the last! I had no choice but to continue my lunging exercises!”

  122. nomuse
    August 20th, 2010 at 3:10 am [Reply]

    What, I can’t believe no-one else said this yet?

    Josh, with great power comes great responsibility.

    ‘Nuff said! Excelsior!

  123. The Restless Mouse
    August 20th, 2010 at 3:14 am [Reply]

    Don’t kill Marvin! The “Purrfect” family will take over! I keep hoping Marmaduke will come over and horribly disfigure them.

  124. Anarko-Geek
    August 21st, 2010 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    FC: Josh, I believe your brain has already taken out P.J. He seems to have conveniently vanished from the strip. Perhaps right about the same time that Jeffy was clutching at the receding tidal wave, shrieking, “No! No!” as he watched his brother’s little head bob away.

    BTW, is it just me or does it really look like the Family Circus characters are being drawn by computer? Those horrible, pitch-black holes drilled into their heads don’t resemble anything a human being would conceive as eyes.

    Speaking of which, does anybody think Summer Glau / River Tam can actually kill people with her brain? Or was she just messing with Jayne?

  125. Loki
    August 21st, 2010 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    The way that hand looks in that drive-by shooting, for a second there I thought it was the cannister for a Tommy gun. Old school drive-by.

  126. Russ H
    August 22nd, 2010 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    Wow! The car in Mary Worth switched directions. It was headed at them from the front (thus driving on the wrong side of the street) in the one days strip, and then it the next is turned around and headed the right way (while gunning down Richie). Showing that in the Mary-Worthverse ALL driving is part of some misdemeanor or felony! Tune in next week for the chimp in a pedal car throwing grenades at local stores.

  127. Tom D.
    August 19th, 2011 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    This is me from the future, “Gil Thorpe” has a boring golf related summer story in 2011 too.

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