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Was Grampy at a crossroads, Curtis?

Curtis, 3/29/11

Greg, I’d be less concerned with the “con man” label, which after all sounds sort of quaint and roguish, and more with the implications of the pitchfork. Since there isn’t a lot of conceptual overlap between con men and farmers, I have to assume that Diane is suggesting that Greg’s father/grandfather/whoever is an actual demon, from hell. Is she worried about his presence in her innocent son’s dreams? Is he attempting to cross over into he real world, Freddy Krueger-style?

Marmaduke, 3/29/11

Speaking of demons from hell, we’ve finally discovered something that even Marmaduke is afraid of: the Wham-O Corporation’s trademark lawyers. I don’t know what’s sadder: the thought there are teams of lawyers paid to read the comics to make sure they don’t tread upon anybody’s trademarks, or that the Marmaduke artist might scrupulously add the appropriate symbol to registered trademarks unprompted.

Beetle Bailey, 3/29/11

Two weeks ago, General Halftrack slipped off to the woods to quietly kill himself. Today, in a very special Beetle Bailey, Beetle finds the body.

282 responses to “Was Grampy at a crossroads, Curtis?”

  1. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Close – Never thought I’d be saying this, but maybe that Brozman guy could help you draw those ligers more realistically.

    Crock – Something like one half or one percent humidity is perceived as “terrible” to those used to desert life in Algeria because their sensory apparatus is calibrated to experience it in much the same way as fans of the strip are apparently able to detect the homeopathic amounts of humor in it.

  2. Alex Blaze
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Perhaps Beetle just discovered the cruisey woods near Camp Swampy? Today’s installment sure does explain why General Halftrack resents his wife.

  3. Shermy Glamrocker
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Killing off Halftrack might actually get people to read Beetle Bailey again. I mean, people other than us.

  4. Chip Whittle
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    6 Chix finally has the courage to take on the “Real Housewives” shows on the grounds of being un-realistic. That, or they’re trying to work themselves up to being Pluggers.

    9 to 5: So, if Electrawoman and Dyna-Girl sidekick Norman Alden were Superman, he’d need a GPS to find his way around? … Yeah, that sounds right.

    Apartment 3-G: “A friend advised me to see ‘Big City’. When I showed up empty-handed, Iris gave me a ticket. And that’s the whole story. I thought ‘not buying a ticket’ made my intentions clear, but your Aunt Iris foiled me as she surely has foiled many men.”

    Baby Blues: “Now do you see why I have nightmares? How am I supposed to sleep knowing my sister is a Burbur Woman?”

    Dustin: Somehow, Dustin’s Dad manages to be Crankshaft without the loveable qualities.

    Gasoline Alley: Oh, man, Clovia’s sanity is now dependent on Slim’s professional competence. She has got to be wondering how her life reached this desperate point.

  5. Flummoxicated
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    GT: “Al-Jo”? That’s not a name, that’s an appliance!

  6. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    Marfield – In Parent Speak, “Oh God Oh Jesus I’m COMING” apparently means, “Drat these tight jeans! I’ve been trying to zip them for 45 minutes!”

    Shoe – The jokes here are dangerously funny. We could seriously injure ourselves laughing at them. Fortunately, the strip creators know this and watch out for us by putting in distractingly inappropriate reaction shots that pull us out of the humorous frame of mind just in time. God bless you, Garrett & Brookins — and bless whoever draws and signs the first panel as well.

  7. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    Snuffy – I misplaced my book of ancient jokes a while back. Thanks for making it unnecessary for me to look for it.

    Spider – He wants to ask Morbius what Mick and Brian were really like to work with.

  8. Nekrotzar
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    That’s not the Frisbee(R) I threw for you. That is a scrunchie, US Patent 5301696. With someone’s head still attached.

  9. Dave
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Trying to sell milk to cows sounds less like a con artist, more like a man unable to formulate a workable business strategy.

  10. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#y267): Is that a Nick Cardy cover? She looks pretty sweet, provided those are some kind of footwear. Otherwise, she’s kind of disturbing.

    JumbleWell, heck! It didn’t accept [*] for the fourth word. (Woo! I got 1400 today; 100 better than yesterday, even though it took a whole 42 seconds to solve it instead of 38.)

  11. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    @Nekrotzar (#8): Oh, that Marmaduke! His idea of a Scooby Snack is somebody named Scooby!!!

  12. wossname
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    MT – I’m seeing a tiny flaw in this plot. Otto said on Friday that he’d be back shortly. Did he forget that he was in the midst of seducing Lonnie? Has he not noticed that she’s no longer there in his love crib?

    MW – At this point, I’m totally in agreement with those who say Moy is doing this to torture us. Us, specifically. So how do we get her to stop? Please, PLEASE, Ms. Moy, couldn’t we have a pool party? A pathetic Charterstonian in need of meddling? Anything but more of this!

    Phantom – As somebody pointed out yesterday, it’s about time for the granary to start leaking and the rats to come skittering in.

    BG&SS – Seriously, didn’t some strip just do this joke, like within the last week? I was thinking it was even in this same strip, but that seems not to be the case. Anybody remember? Or have I unexpectedly developed psychic powers that let me see Snuffy Smith’s future?

  13. zenvelo
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    @Alex Blaze (#2): Does one have to stand in the woods with a wide stance?

  14. pugfuggly
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    BB: I imagine there are some days when Dean of the comics booth sees a strip like this and says ‘where do i even start…?’

    Curtis Sell milk to a cow. So he was….stupid…?

    MW: “I’m so glad that you and Dawn are finally spending so much time together…hold on, I just need to throw up in this glass…”

    A3GIf the last few days are any indication, I imagine the next week of A3G will go something like this:

    Iris: “How do you know Dan Diller?”
    Blaze: “Oh, we go back quite a ways, don’t we Dan?”
    Iris: “So he’s your friend or something?”
    Blaze: “Yep, the Dan Diller”
    Iris: “…it’s just that you act like he’s someone important…”
    Blaze: “I still can’t imagine how YOU know Mr Diller….!”
    Iris:”…but you aren’t really telling me anything…”
    Blaze: “Diller and Iris…you would have thought….”
    Iris: “TELL ME WHO HE IS YOU BLACK BANDANA’D TWAT!!!

  15. Doctor Handsome
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    “Stop bothering me, Marmaduke! I’m trying to do Charlie Kelly’s ‘Butt-Butt’ dance from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”

  16. zenvelo
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    MT- Mark, don’t take that plane! Judging from the bad guys’ shoulders, it’s leaking oil like a sieve!

  17. Doctor Handsome
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Hello, darkness, my old friend.

  18. Effluvius Erratus
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    Dick Tracy: Now this brings back memories. Like the time my son’s wife, the Moon Maid, was murdered. Good times, good times.”

    Family Circus: I have to admit, I admire the noirish quality of today’s art. I half-expect Billy to yell a parting “Ya mook!” at his dad as he skulks away.

  19. Swordsmith
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    Baldo: She’d be happy if he didn’t have diabeties. But if he did and she didn’t know it, she’d be equally happy, since as far as she could tell the situation would be the same. She’d be unhappy to discover that he’d had it and caused serious damage from ignorant behavior… but that’s not what she said.

    BG: Oh he’s mocking the handicapped. Wait, thinking about it my friends and I do the same thing to each other. It’s only rude to mock people you don’t know.

    BR: Who would have thought Brewster would have the most apt political cartoon of the whole mid-east revolution?

    FBvFW: Ted realized, luckily -before- marriage vows, that the relationship wasn’t going to work, and he broke it off. How exactly does that make him selfish, pompous and inconsiderate? Worse would be staying in that relationship, getting married, having kids, and raising them in an atmosphere of quiet underground loathing that eventually turns them into… I’m sorry, is this hitting too close to home?

    MW: There’s a lot of smug coming off Mary there… is she taking credit for having meddled Wilbur into meddling his daughter?

    Luann: As the sole attractive female in the universe of the strip, it sounds like Toni is uniquely unqualified to be a judge by her methods. Interesting though that she thinks men judge women by how much they wish they too were women. Something about Brad we didn’t know?

  20. fillmoreeast
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    Curtis: I don’t think she’s implying that he’s from hell. I think she’s saying he’s in hell, because she’s hoping that her elder son is having nightmares about the eternally tormented souls of people he once loved but are now moldering in their graves. Wackiness!

  21. Poe Ghostal
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    That Beetle Bailey strip is downright creepy…shades of “Full Metal Jacket.” I guess the horrors of war have finally driven him to feverish hallucinations.

  22. Doctor Handsome
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    Curtis’s dad is wisely shielding himself from the random sperm cells inexplicably launching out of his immediate family’s faces. Gross.

  23. This Guy
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Luann: Brad judges beauty the same way Amos the cellist does–through severe physiological dysfunction.

    JP: The first step on the path to originality is admitting that you’re unoriginal.

    Monty & MG&G: This has to have been planned. The psychiatrist is even the same guy in both strips.

  24. Chip Whittle
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: “You stay here with your daughter…I’m going to try to distract them! It’s going to be hard, since those guards are clip art and can’t move, but I’ll do it!”

    I’m unsettled by how none of Mark Trail’s dialogue here is inappropriately boldfaced.

    Mary Worth: Mary’s dialogue says “Yes, Wilbur, please continue talking about how you broke your daughter of the Internet”, but her body language and facial expressions are saying, “…because after five more minutes of this no jury would convict me for mailing the pieces of your corpse to each of the 48 states!”

    I am no less baffled by Mary Worth and Wilbur’s decision to quaff Bosco chocolate milk with lemon slices.

    Spider-Man: AAAAAH! OK, that panel proves Morbius isn’t a vampire, but now we have to ask why he’s the zombified corpse of the original Planet of the Apes cast.

    I know it’s incorrect, but I’m going to interpret Morbius’s robe there as being made of bubble wrap.

  25. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    The Flying McCoys — Fantassy Island! (Le Pétomane! Le Pétomane!)

    Marmaduke — Phil’s just embarassed by the fact that Marm brought him his chamber pot instead of the frisbee he threw!

  26. Esther Blodgett
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    BB: Wow, that’s kind of trippy. I can imagine the opening notes to “The Sound of Silence” coming in there. Or “The End” – that would be good, too. But somehow I feel it’s most likely to be this.

  27. Monty Python's Family Circus
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    FC 3/28
    “Well there’s rat cake … rat sorbet… rat pudding… or strawberry tart.”

    FC 3/29
    “If you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for another five minutes.”

  28. MapDark
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    9cl :
    Ok , someone HAS to tell the author that GAY means you,re attracted to the SAME SEX . Which Seth in the last few strips failed to do big time!

    and “Why are we in love?” . Darling , having one-night stands is not being in love.

    Mary Worth :
    Mary’s disgusted look in the last panel tells all.
    Even SHE is absolutely grossed out about Wilbur’s RELATIONSHIP talk about he and Dawn. That or she’s restraining herself from strangling him for fixing problems without any meddling on her part.

    Beetle Bayley :
    Either he found the body or found the general using the local cruising spot. (which in my mind would be infinitely more terrifying than a dead body)

  29. Esther Blodgett
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    MW: “And by ‘That’s great, Wilbur,’ I mean that you hereby agree and warrant that I, Mary Worth, am the proximate cause of and contributing factor to Dawn’s recovery from Internet addiction, regardless of the actual level of advice and/or meddling I may have provided in this or any other instance, and that you further grant full credit for such recovery to Mary Worth Enterprises in all public and private discourse on the matter until such time as this agreement may be modified or amended by law. Sign this affidavit, please. No, in blood.”

  30. LoFoMoFo
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    JP: The solution to this problem is obvious and well within the financial reach of the Spencer’s. Breast implants.

  31. TheDiva
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Curtis: It’s good to know that a little thing like death doesn’t stop the grand tradition of comic strip characters sniping at in-laws.

    9CL: What’s it like being two pretentious, overly verbose characters in a contrived relationship?

    C’shaft: Is that a malapropism, or the actual name of their world’s Facebook Expy? Either way it’s not funny.

    MW: Ovaltine with lemon? I dunno…

  32. Pseudo3D
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    BB: It’s the art that makes Beetle Bailey so unsettling. Rather, Beetle could’ve met Halftrack to the face, but we get this weird thing here.

    9CL: Maybe Brooke is trying to go for the “Single Target Sexuality” trope. Normally, this type of trope is played for laughs. Trying to make it “dramatic” comes off as poor writing.

  33. Effluvius Erratus
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Damn! This is practically the Hey Jude of comics epilogues! It began on the car-ride home, changed scenes to Dawn’s bedroom, changed scenes to Toby’s condo, and changed scenes yet again to Wilbur’s condo. What’s the over-under on how many more weeks Moy’ll milk this?

  34. Pseudo3D
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#31): In regards to Crankshaft, it IS hard to tell. Normally, I’d go for the malapropism, but when Pam’s laptop has a little pineapple on it instead of the Apple logo, nothing seems serious.

  35. Écureuil Écumant
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    9CL: Yeah, Seth, your speech balloon didn’t get the memo either. Saucy little thing, waving his butt in the air at you so impudently!

    … I didn’t say you needed to stare at it.

  36. brian
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    Whatever state Beetle found the general in, it seems to have given him a couple of hernias. What the heck is popping out of his midsection?!?

  37. Patrick
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    Apparently, Diane is testing her ventriloquism, since she’s giving her “selling milk to a cow” punchline while drinking a ladle full of hot liquid. She should find a better dummy than a pot, though.

  38. This Guy
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    BS: Welcome to Ballard Street, where the joke is none of your damned business.

    Crock: “Now we just need to work on making your head separate from your torso.”

    GA: “Feel free to use that one!”
    “What one?”

  39. S. Stout
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    Luann: Horny Brad being horny again! It never gets old!

    BB: Beetle has taken so many beatings from Sarge he can’t walk upright anymore. How sad.

    MW: How many weeks need be to spent telling us that taking a break from the Internet is the greatest idea in the history of the world?

  40. Écureuil Écumant
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    MW: Yeah, starting to get warm outside, time for an erl change. Hope that’s Valvoline MaxLife (Now With Simethicone) in those fruit jars those pluggers’re chuggin’. I think the lemon’s to keep their colons cleansed and balanced.

  41. Chip Whittle
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    @Patrick (#37):

    Apparently, Diane is testing her ventriloquism, since she’s giving her “selling milk to a cow” punchline while drinking a ladle full of hot liquid. She should find a better dummy than a pot, though.

    What, you’d want Curtis or Barry on your lap?

    Alley Oop: This is why I don’t wake my dad no matter how much he says he wants only an hour-long nap.

    Fat Cats: So, is this a hallucination sequence or is it just badly drawn?

    Knight Life wants TrueFable’s attention. Just saying.

  42. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#10):

    That’s a Nick Cardy comic book cover… and Mera’s flippers (for lack of a better term) are part of her costume! (I don’t remember the exact issue, but Cardy once drew Mera wearing nothing but a sheer teddy! How he got away with drawing a half-naked woman in a 1960s code-approved book, I’ll never know!)

  43. But What Do I Know?
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#14): Maybe we can cut through the nonsense and do a Wikipedia search. . .

  44. Esther Blodgett
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#31): re Crankshaft. It’s just Ed’s way of covering up for the fact that his daughter is trolling for an affair on AshleyMadison.com

  45. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:35 am [Reply]

  46. Little Guy
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    BB: When Sarge steps up to claim to have found the body, Beetle will point a gun at him, declaring, “Suck my big fat one, you cheap, dimestore hood!”

    Curtis: Does that explain the two quarts of fresh skim in the fridge, Diane?

  47. But What Do I Know?
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    MT — I don’t think that you really need to distract those two guards, since they appear to be statues. . .

    As a factual matter (I know, I know, it’s Mark Trail) I don’t know much about planes, but I was under the impression that they needed to warm up a little bit before taking off. . .

    JP — Aw, isn’t little Sophie cute, working on her ironic detachment. . .

    FC — Billy, I tell you what my father told me. If you want more money, you’ll need to make it up with quantity. I’ll gladly knock a few more teeth out if that’s what you want.

  48. Fester Morgenstern
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    Since today’s other two featured comics involve demons, I’m going to assume that today’s Beetle Bailey involves Beetle going into the woods and meeting Shub-Niggurath, the Blair Witch, or some other forest monstrosity.

  49. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:45 am [Reply]

  50. pugfuggly
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    @But What Do I Know? (#43):

    Well, according to google, the most ‘famous’ Dan Diller is a realtor in Lancaster, PA, . Now that would be a disappointing reveal:

    “What are you doing here with….HIM???……He appraised my house last summer. “

  51. Mollie
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    I think you missed a possibility, perhaps the saddest one of all: that the makers of Frisbee (R) sought out publicity for their product in the syndicated daily strip Marmaduke.

  52. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @Dave (#9): I wonder. Maybe you could sell horse milk or kangaroo’s milk to cows. If they’re somewhat jaded with their own milk, that is.

  53. Little Blue Bicycle
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    Cant wait for tomorrow’s Bettle Bailey, just to see how the Walkers depict Bones and Booth.

  54. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: While in a nearby basement. “Are you kidding? You call that meth? This is a disgrace!”

  55. new_squid_in_town
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    “Lead by the charismatic, sexually voracious Wilbur Weston, the Keep Saturday Internet-free Movement started in an age-restricted gated community in Santa Rita and soon took the West Coast by storm. Flying kites, frolicking in meadows and painting by numbers took the place of blogging, watching porn and making inappropriate comments about Beetle Bailey. Even after the poisoning of Weston by his jealous neighbor Mary Worth, a 97 year old former erotic dancer, the cult-like movement flourished and soon every home in America contained at least one life-size oil painting of a naked, beatific Wilbur flying a kite,”

    – The 3rd Book of Meddling, Moy Books, 2037.

  56. new_squid_in_town
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    (sic)” throughout.

  57. Sequitur
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    MT: Eh, Mark? I think maybe you should watch the kid. The mom might be a better distraction, hmmm?

  58. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    3/29 Weird Sound Effects:

    Mutts — BONK
    Dogs of C-Kennel — WONK
    Pajama Diaries — BRRNNGGG
    Edison Lee — GLUG GLUG GLUG
    Candorville — DELETE DELETE DELETE TAP (four taps + variants)

  59. Red Greenback
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    That’s not the Frisbee® I tossed for you. That’s the DuPont™ Teflon® lined Boots & Barkley® dog bowl that I use to feed you your Purina® Moist & Meaty® Steak Flavor Dog Food!”

  60. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#42): Somewhere Green Lantern is circling over the water, swearing never to use Mapquest again.

  61. Mibbitmaker
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#y68): Yeah. I’d forgotten it was animated, though. Cool memory from being 11!

    ReFOOB: John Patterson — De-Rod-ified?

    GA: The Sha-Na-Na TV show of strips right now: Knowing it’s painfully unfunny somehow is supposed to make all the dreck okay.

  62. Professor Fate
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    MW: Yes tell me more about how you crushed your daughter’s desire for seperation from her self absorbed sandwhich sucking dad. And can I have another cup of mud while you’re at it?

    FW: Look we all know where this is going. Just get cancer of the lip already. There hasn’t been a serious health crisis in this strip for a couple of weeks now.

  63. Cooler King
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: So what? I remember when gas was $1 per gallon, regular tacos were 47 cents, and MTV played real music. Does that make me a Plugg… oh God, no.

    MT: Eventually Mark’s going to realize that the island needs him. “We have to go back, Mom Jeans! We have to go back!”

    BC: That’s what she said? I know, I know.

    GT: Meanwhile… we’ve abandoned this dead end folk singer story and will come up with something going on in this basement tomorrow, promise!

  64. word-doctor
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    Beetle-A woods scene. The general on his knees in shirtsleeves. “Look in your heart, Beetle… look in your heart.”

    MT-This really should be a Sunday Trail: the villainous hair has shed so much grease that the two heavies require gentle, Dawn-based cleaning like a playful, Exxonnized sea-otter.

  65. Walker of Dog
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#Y291): Maybe you can use that fancy college education (Pluggers secretly resent you so much) to help free Mr. Fremont from his logic snare. His needless suffering saddens me.

    @pugfuggly (#14): Wait, so cows have money? Are their wallets made of leather?

  66. Oregonian
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    “Oh, hello, General” is the army’s version of “hello, sailor.”

  67. commodorejohn
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    6Chix – Oh hey! It’s kind of like Ellie and Connie from FOOB, only not at all like that!

    BBlue – Taking lessons from Edda, are we?

    BB – You know, often when Josh has posted before I start typing my post, I find myself trying to look for an alternate interpretation, for variety’s sake. …I’m pretty sure there isn’t an alternate interpretation here.

    Bizarro – Is it wrong that I find her kinda hot? [*]

    C&B – Is he reading a Choose Your Own Adventure book? Excellent choice.

    Crankshaft – So, uh, that pineapple shape on the laptop? That’s the funniest Crankshaft has been this year. And that’s not a compliment.

    Crock – Okay, seriously, is someone else taking over the inking on this strip occasionally, or what? I mean, it’s not good, but at least it’s vaguely coherent…well, except for the fact that Not-Grossie’s breasts are 15° off from the rest of her body.

    DT – Trying to evoke the first chapter of Watchmen, perhaps? In any case, holy God is the art fantastic.

    FC – “And that’s when I smothered him with his own pillow, Your Honor.”

    FW – Oh, there’s the Missing Arm! How we’ve missed it!

    GT – “Al-Jo?” Sounds like a brand of livestock feed.

    JP – Could be worse, Sophie. You could be stuck with mister PITY ME, I’M DIVORCED who was trying to woo Neddy away from her shoemaker/Just Friend. Has Sam just muscled out all young males who might be a threat to his empire from the strip, or what?

    Luann – So yeah, in the Luann universe all appreciation of the human body is necessarily sexual in nature (the hell with aesthetics,) and the only way for someone to judge the attractiveness of someone of the same sex is by ascertaining how much more or less fuckable they are. This has been your daily glimpse into the mind of Greg Evans, folks. Brain bleach is in the custodial closet.

    MT – I hope to God that Mark’s distraction consists of “Hey men! There is something over there you should look at, and not over here!”

    MW – Mary looks like she’s going to hurl into her iced tea. Is she going through meddle withdrawal?

    SF – I. Love. This. Strip.

    SM – GAH! I’m not a stickler for taste in clothing, but ugh! WHY DOES THAT EXIST.

  68. Jim North
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    Y’know, I’ve found I’ve got a lot more free time now that I’ve given up reading Mary Worth on Saturdays. Now I can get back to ignoring my family members while more wholesome activities.

    @Red Greenback (#59): Don’t forget the Velcro® underside! No more slip and slide across the kitchen floor!

  69. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    Phantom — still waiting to hear Bruce Willis from Die Hard shouting “NO BULLETS!!!”

  70. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    Doones — Duke clean and paying taxes? My, how the mighty have fallen…

  71. jayjaybear
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#41): Better than Marvin on your lap…

  72. Walker of Dog
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    S-M: Everything the future Mrs. Dr. Michael Morbius needed to know about handgun positioning she learned in Dick Tracy.

    MW: Mary nods along politely then springs her next move, smashing her glass and grinding the jagged edges deep into Wilbur’s thigh. “We’ve discussed this before”, she says over Wilbur’s screams as the arterial spray spatters the orange furnishings. “Feet off the coffee table.”

    Phan: Walker will distract Chatu by pointing out his misplaced right nipple(!), then karate-kick the gun out of his hands, accompanying the maneuver with a hearty “Hi-Yah!” Only then can he finally place a service call to the HVAC repairman. “Oh see, here’s the problem. Somebody turned the miasma knob to Full.”

    Plug: Pluggers bitch about everything all the time, then dress up their seething resentment and impotence in folksy, salt-of-the-earth bullshit. We get it.

    Jumb: Based on his goggling eyes, this guy had more problems than just a difficult commute, and his morning was about to get much worse. Cleaning off the driver’s seat and scrounging some fresh pants out of the Goodwill dropbox took hours. Ironically, he would have gotten to work earlier if he’d just dropped off his friends at a McDonald’s or 7-Eleven along the way. The computer repairmen had a |F|U|L|L| |C|O|L|O|N|.

  73. boojum
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    Josh: About Curtis — On a farm, large amounts of bullshit are tossed using a pitchfork. Just sayin’.

  74. boojum
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#72):

    Plug: Pluggers bitch about everything all the time, then dress up their seething resentment and impotence in folksy, salt-of-the-earth bullshit. We get it.

    My fellow Curmudgeons: I believe we may just have that definition of “Plugger” that several of us have been searching for.

  75. Aviatrix
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    @Bill Thompson (Y288): We need some graphics processing. Calculate the transformation required to turn this “coupe” into a normal car, then mathematically apply that transformation to the last year of art. We might be able to see what has been going on all this time!

  76. boojum
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    BB: Sorry, folks, but Beetle cannot have stumbled on the local cruising ground. He specifically says he’s looking for a spot where Sarge won’t find him.

  77. Sequitur
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#70): What we would call “clean and paying taxes” may be something entirely different in Duke’s mind.

  78. Dilly Pickly
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Luann: One more piece of evidence to add to my “Toni’s really a transgendered man” theory. Why else would “she” think that men have body envy when they look at women?

  79. Bitter Scribe
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know what’s sadder: the thought there are teams of lawyers paid to read the comics to make sure they don’t tread upon anybody’s trademarks…

    It’s not just the comics. When I was working for a string of obscure community newspapers, we would regularly get form letters warning us about using trademarks like Xerox or Frigidaire.

    It got so ridiculous that I once wrote a column deliberately misusing all the trademarks I could think of. It actually resulted in another one of those letters, from the DayGlo people.

    Sorry, I meant DayGlo®.

  80. gnome de blog
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#y266) said:

    Why couldn’t I have had a roommate like that?

    Not to be sexist or anything, but probably because you’re a girl. Girls who played Chuck Berry licks were pretty scarce in 1965.

    BTW the other choice for the band’s name was Hammurabi and the Lawbreakers but they decided that was too literate.

  81. Sequitur
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    Plugged-upers: There’s a whole lot of us non Pluggers™ who remember when you could get four gallons of gas for a buck.

    I guess the difference is that non Pluggers™ don’t gripe about it all the time.

  82. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    Lockhorns: That is so true! All those dumb people filling out their tax returns in Roman numer… Wait. What?

    MW: At least we know the previous Dick Tracy writer has found a new comic to write for. Any moment now it will start raining.

    Popeye: Cmon. Admit it. “Bless my love for lower orders” has got to be the best line you’ve read all week.

    Phantom: I know! The Phantom is Pepper’s Ghost! (Any other magician-nerds out there? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?)

  83. Scott Bot
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers – gripe about their medical problems and the price of gas because they have nothing else worthwhile to talk about.

  84. MaryAnnTheRest
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#82): Oh how you make me hope for an infestation of rats.

  85. boojum
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @Bitter Scribe (#79): It’s not just letters. I have a friend who was once a Coke Spy. It was her job to go to restaurants that sold Pepsi products and order a Coke. They were required by law to respond, “We don’t have Coke; will a Pepsi be all right?” If they didn’t, she wrote them up for violating the copyright.

    It sounds bizarre and petty, but apparently companies with popular brands have to document that they have actively protected those brands from misuse. Otherwise, anyone can legally use the specific name for the general category (as everyone in the South does with Coke, anyway).

    Anyone for a non-brand-specific facial tissue? Cotton swab? Transparent tape?

  86. Aviatrix
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    @Dave (#9): And I was thinking that, given a universe where cows have currency and can enter into business contracts, quite a few of them might be interested in milk purchases. They have a demonstrated use for the product, and getting it delivered would allow them some flexibility in calfcare while still ensuring adequate nutrition for the young ‘uns.

    @But What Do I Know? (#47): It just arrived, so the engine is still warm. It does, however, need to be situated on a strip suitable for the take-off run, given the wind and loading, and not have too many bullet holes in the gas tanks.

    @Walker of Dog (#72): Your entire comment scores as a snark Full House. Any one of those analyses would look mighty fine at the top of Josh’s float. Personally, though, I keep looking at Wilbur’s feet on the coffee table and being grateful he’s sitting like that, and not with his legs straight out, but wide apart. The next shift in perspective could be full frontal Wilbur.

  87. Mibbitmaker
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: The Cow, to Grampy Wilkins: “No, thanks. I was a bottle baby.”

    Curtis: Wasn’t Grampy Wilkins a friend of Betty Boop’s?

    Curtis: “He was the type who would try to sell a sleazy nightclub to an idiot brother of Dr. Morgan’s secretary!”

    “He was the type who would try to sell a laptop to Mary Worth!”

    “He was the type who would try to sell jokebook to Ed Crankshaft!”

    “He was the type who would try to sell How To Win Friends and Influence People to Thorax!”

    “He was the type who would try to sell anti-diarrheal to Marvin!”

    “He was the type who would try to sell Gil Thorp-sized gloves to Ted Forth!”

    “He was the type who would try to sell Boy’s Life to Danae!”

  88. commodorejohn
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @MaryAnnTheRest (#84): Now you’ve got me thinking how Mary would react. I’m thinking of a certain scene from V

  89. bats :[
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#12): hush, now. Things will be all right.
    Of course, I could be wrong.

  90. Lorne
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    “You’re not a soldier, Beetle. You’re a messenger boy, sent by grocery clerks, to deliver a bill.”

  91. boojum
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    @MaryAnnTheRest (#84):

    Oh how you make me hope for an infestation of rats.

    Boy, if I had a nickel…..

  92. Mibbitmaker
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    @boojum (#85): “No Coke, Pepsi!”
    I wonder what the trademark was for “Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!”?

    In the spirit of all this, my planned MT comment needs a slight addition, thus:

    MT: You can’t distract a Xerox ™, Mr. Trail!

  93. Jim North
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#92): Cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger . . .

    *starts slapping burgers on the grill*

  94. Not Just Any Dipstick
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    MW. It appears Mary dear has drinking problem. Looks to me like she is trying to do a Marty with that brown ‘fix that white line above the eyebrow’ stuff. For those of you in Rio Linde, look up ‘Typical Male Robot Behaviour’.

  95. Sequitur
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @boojum (#85):

    Anyone for a non-brand-specific facial tissue? Cotton swab? Transparent tape?

    We can go to Herb and Jamaal for that.

  96. Mibbitmaker
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    Luann:

    Brad: “….Okay, so not the same way men do at all.”
    Toni: “Right! I don’t know what I was thinking!”
    Brad: “Well…….. there are lesbians, though….”

    MW:
    “Smuggetty-smug smug smug smug…”
    “Smug? Oh, smuggetty-smug smug smugga-smugga-smug-smug-smug! Smug.”
    “Smugarama smug… smug smug smuginamug!”
    “Smug?”
    “Smugola! Smug-smug-smug, and smug smug smug, smug. Not to mention, smug smug smuggo-smug!”
    “Le smug ala smug!!!”
    “Smug!”

  97. Comcis Fan
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    Zits: You don’t want to know, Pierce, what a grounded, gadget-less Jeremy will do with his thumbs for two weeks. Nor do we.

    MW: Is Wilbur a warlock? How did he scoot next to Mary so fast?

    Blondie: Big plastic pirate heads? Did Dagwood visit Pirate Burger or Pirate Sex Shop?

  98. UncleJeff
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    The Phantom:
    What he said: “Pull the trigger and find out.”
    What I wish he’s said: “Pull my finger and find out.”

  99. Sequitur
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#89): Yes, it’s bats :[® keeping Mary Worth a fun read for ## years!

  100. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    Reality Check — I resent the implication that juries can be bought and sold. That’s only true of the Florida State Legislature in Tallahassee!

  101. Sequitur
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#98): Have you read Wizard of Id today?

  102. ElkMeadow
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#72):

    MW: Mary nods along politely then springs her next move, smashing her glass and grinding the jagged edges deep into Wilbur’s thigh. “We’ve discussed this before”, she says over Wilbur’s screams as the arterial spray spatters the orange furnishings. “Feet off the coffee table.”

    I did notice the feet up, and Mary’s not-so-pleased expression, as they both sip their chocolate Boost.

  103. Marvin's Mom
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Hey, Brad–psssst– I’ve heard there are women that are attracted to…. OTHER WOMEN!

    Couldn’t they throw us a bone one of these days and say something like “How do straight women judge other women’s beauty?” Not that that makes any sense either, but you know.

  104. Scott Bot
    March 29th, 2011 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    JP – Sophie is a triple whammy (spoiled rich girl-cheerleader-surly teen) high school cliche herself, so Derek and her should get along quite well.

  105. Zork The Mighty
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Anyone noticing the mirror-image silhouette of Beetle’s face made by his lumpy pants? Kudos, Mr. Walker, kudos.

  106. Baka Gaijin
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    @I can’t think of a witty name (#Y295): “My other theory is that Dan is Santa Claus. He does look a lot like Santa Claus.” I heard that Aldo Kelrast looks a little like Captain Kangaroo.

  107. Mibbitmaker
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: “Okay.” BANG!ARGH — uh……. maybe… you’re… right….. Python! What…. was….I …………………thinking?” ~Plop!~

    Zits: One word: Fonzie.
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!

    9CL: Which is like what someone says when leaving: “Bi, now!”

  108. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    What I learned from Ripley’s today:

    1) Turks like to get oiled up!

    2) John Basinger of Middletown, Conn, USA has way too much time on his hands!

    3) Gunther a/k/a “Billy the Bookworm” has a new BFF: “Samae the Squid Worm”!

  109. But What Do I Know?
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#50): Well, there is a town called Denver near there in PA–so maybe Jesus’s story does hold together. . .

  110. Pozzo
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    Actually, I think Beetle slipped off into the woods to masturbate, and “General” is his pet name for his (wait for it…) privates.

  111. Baka Gaijin
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    Zits: I predict 2 weeks of Jeremy’s girlfriend with a very happy expression on her face.

    Spiderman: AAAH! Michael Jackson! He lives! He LIVES!!!

    Henry: Puppy dog, I’m with you. I’m totally freaked that Henry disappeared into another dimension but the ropes didn’t.

    Pluggers: I call shenanigans. Pluggers are too senile to remember what happened in 40 years ago.

  112. Sequitur
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#111):

    Zits: I predict 2 weeks of Jeremy’s girlfriend with a very happy expression on her face.

    And Jeremy put it there???!!!

  113. Fashion Police
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#67):

    SM – GAH! I’m not a stickler for taste in clothing, but ugh! WHY DOES THAT EXIST.

    Well, we are a stickler for taste in clothing, and we shall simply walk away, muttering quietly under our breath. If even vampires no longer maintain certain standards we are lost indeed.

  114. Baka Gaijin
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#112): If by “there” you mean “on the end of his nose and fluttering his fingers in a humorous manner,” you’re wrong.

  115. Liam
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    MW-Wilbur when will you tell Mary how you really feel about your daughter? That your feelings for Dawn go beyond that of a father’s normal love for his daughter.

  116. bats :[
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#111): re S-M: thank you. I kept meaning to comment on the Morbius/Michael similarity, but my brain kept blocking it out.

  117. Liam
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    BB-I wonder what the General is doing in the woods. Having that last panel in shadows makes me suspicious.

  118. Baka Gaijin
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#116): I can understand. Mr. Jackson was getting a ghastly visage well before rigor mortis set in. If she’s not careful, Miss Avis could end up like that.

  119. Charterstoned
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    A Beetle Haiku

    In ass-backwards plot,
    Beetle finds the General
    Where the sun don’t shine.

  120. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Yep. Just like I said yesterday. Pam is suddenly suspicous about Mindy’s “Girlfriend”…

    FC: How about a 2×4 upside the head, Billy?

    Re-FOOB: More single-men hating. Piss off, Lynn.

    FW: Has Batuik making the kids the main protagonists now? Let’s hope so. Maybe gloomy Les will be forgotten and just sink in his own murk once and for all.

    Luann: “Hey, Toni, when we finally have sex, this will be the main position!”

    MT: Let the Punch-O-Rama begin!!

    Mary Worth(less): Please please please let it die…

    RMMD: Ever seen a sadder puppy look than Dexter’s face?

  121. Sequitur
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#118): Miss Avis – too late.

  122. Écureuil Écumant
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @Oregonian (#66): Yeah, General Halftrack’s willing, but General Tso’s chicken.

  123. terrapin
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    Beetle: “Oh, hi General. Why are you pinching the tops off those plants?”

    Lockhorns: What? Funny or ironic? What is this even supposed to be?

  124. Baka Gaijin
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#121): I think you’re right. Rictus has already set in. I’ll be she scoffed at her mother when she said, “Don’t make a funny face, it’ll freeze like that!”

  125. Scott Bot
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#111): Pluggers: I call shenanigans. Pluggers are too senile to remember what happened in 40 years ago.

    Nah, that’s not true. Pluggers remember everything that happened 40 years ago. It’s what’s happening right now that kinda screws them up.

  126. word-doctor
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    2 weeks of thumb action is like sending a 12 year old home for 3 days with the SI Swimsuit edition; with apologies to a texter to the Rome show several years ago: “That’s Child Abuse: the kid will need carpal tunnel surgery.”

  127. Government Cheese
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    MW: It appears that Mary and Wilbur are enjoying the product that made Wilbur his millions of dollars – Weston’s SuperFantastic PoopJuice ®! Unfortunately Wilbur squandered most of his fortune on his ham sandwich habit, forcing him into decently sized Charterstone apartment, secured only by Dawn’s credit.

  128. Donkey Hotey
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    Today I wept, because if the Dysfunctional Family Circus site were still up and running, today’s strip would have made for the BEST. CAPTIONS. EVER.

  129. UncleJeff
    March 29th, 2011 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#101): Nope, I missed it.
    Laughed.
    God, how my standards have fallen.

  130. commodorejohn
    March 29th, 2011 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

  131. Effluvius Erratus
    March 29th, 2011 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#18):

    …I admire the noirish quality of today’s art…

    Took my own suggestion.

  132. LaziestManOnMars
    March 29th, 2011 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    I like how ‘Curtis’ is using the lazy animator’s trick of having the character hold something in front of their mouth when they talk so no lip animation is necessary. Seems like laziness overkill in a drawing thou.

  133. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    March 29th, 2011 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#18): That Wikipedia page would be a great candidate for Josh & Co.’s Tumblr feed, [Citation Needed]:

    Moon Maid was the daughter of the Moon’s supreme ruler, a male humanoid who was always identified as “the Governor of the Moon”. It is not clear whether he was democratically elected, or some form of hereditary ruler.

  134. Sgt. Saunders
    March 29th, 2011 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @Nekrotzar (#8): The patent number is correct.

  135. Baka Gaijin
    March 29th, 2011 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#127): That explains everything!

  136. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 29th, 2011 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#97): RE: Zits, I thought of a much more graphic version of that joke, but decided to be merciful. Much more graphic.

  137. Government Cheese
    March 29th, 2011 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#135): A mystery solved. (fin)

  138. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 29th, 2011 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @Marvin’s Mom (#103): You’ve got me thinking. Are there any openly lesbian characters in the funnies? On the men’s side I can think of Mark, Chase, and the late Andy in Doonesbury; Lawrence in FBOFW; Seth (well, grey area) and Mark in 9CL. On the woman’s side, I’m coming up blank.

    And I know what you’re thinking, but they tell me Ted Forth is supposed to be a man.

  139. Not Just Any Dipstick
    March 29th, 2011 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    @Monty Python’s Family Circus (#27): Is there any rat in the Tart?

  140. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 29th, 2011 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    @boojum (#85):

    I remember when there was a big push to convince people to stop saying that they were going to Xerox something. And it worked! Now, people say “photocopy” and go to their Canon printer to get it done, and never think of Xerox at all anymore.

  141. Baka Gaijin
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    @Not Just Any Dipstick (#139): Why, you can’t spell “tart” without “rat!”

  142. vanya
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#138): Peppermint Patty and Marcie.

  143. Alfred E. Neuman
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    F Minus— Gunther puts in a guest appearance and receives the same level of respect that he gets from Luann.

    MT— Mark is assuming that there is enough gas in the plane to fly back to the mainland. When he only makes it as far as the outer reef before having to ditch, he’ll boldly tell the irate Mr. Pringle that he was just trying to help him out by looking for reefers.

    Phantom— Python pulls the trigger and a flag with “BANG” written on it pops out of the gun. Phantom responds with a coconut cream pie to Python’s face. Python retaliates with a blast from a seltzer bottle. Phantom hurls banana peels at Python’s feet, and the battle is on…

  144. boojum
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#138): Terry Bryson, Bernice, and Berna.

  145. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#138):

    I’m surprised you haven’t heard of this comic:

    http://comics.com/janes_world/

  146. boojum
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#138): I would add Jill to the list, but I think she’s more like Elaine.

    “I’m not a lesbian! I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian!”

  147. Little Guy
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#97): Zits: As the Greatest Generation had “Days of Wine and Roses” and Gen X had “Less Than Zero”, today’s Millenials will witness the graphic detoxing of Jeremy from his gadget addiction.

    Mary Worth guest stars.

  148. Liam
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    FC-Dad to Billy: “If you want another quarter I can think of way you can get another tooth for the Tooth Fairy.”

  149. Lenoxus
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Shoe is one of the best examples of why the goggle eyes are such wretched things. Without them, we have a straightforward mediocre joke. With them, we’re thinking “In what disgusting way do his knees get wet? Urine? Saliva? Blood?”

  150. commodorejohn
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @Lenoxus (#149): God dammit, I was trying not to go there…

  151. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#147):

    Mary Worth guest stars.

    Connie: Mary, I’m so worried about Jeremy. We used to spend so much time together, but now he only seems to care about texting and being on the internet. What’s happened to our relationship?
    Mary: Have you tried speaking with him about it? I understand why you’re concerned; of course the boy should want to spend time with his mother. Maybe you should take off your shirt more.
    bourbon babe ((shoving Mary aside)): Listen to me, you morons: He’s a teenage boy. He does not want to spend time with his mother. He doesn’t want to talk with his mother or share with his mother or even spend much time thinking about the fact that he has a mother. Time spent with his mother takes him away from time better spent—such as texting girls, watching girls on the internet, meeting girls, and fantasizing about girls. So just back off. And Mary, drink your glass of bile and shut the fuck up about the internet.

  152. Alfred E. Neuman
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    BB— OK, Walkers, the Beetle-Sarge gay subtext I can understand. But a Beetle-Halftrack gay subtext is going too far. If you have to insert another gay subtext into the strip, how about Blips-Buxley?

    GT— Al-Jo? If she starts singing “Mammy”, we’ll know who she’s named after.

  153. greghousesgf
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#138):
    what about Dykes to Watch Out For?

  154. Black Drazon
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    That’s not Halftrack’s body. Beetle’s just bored waiting for Sarge to find him and has decided to spend some quality time with his more-illustriously promoted penis.

  155. Aviatrix
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#152): If you have to insert another gay subtext into the strip, how about Blips-Buxley?

    Yes! Rule 34, you have twenty-four hours.

  156. commodorejohn
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#155): Would that make Beetle Buxley’s…whatever the inverse of a “beard” is? That would explain a lot…

  157. Uncle Lumpy
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    Rex Morgan, M.D. — Her family’s reversal left Berna unable to distinguish the financial from the emotional. Her receptionist’s income has been her only influence over Dexter, but now — feeling real power for the first time — she is transformed. Rex and June see opportunity in her onrushing madness, and angle to “protect” her money with their safe, their advisor, and soon, their bank account.

    Down-and-out lives have prepared Tony and Holly to expect such treachery from family and friends, and they pity poor Dex. Tony helps him secure a few simple pleasures — a decent TV, some time on the water alone — so long denied him. And Holly will find a way to make him come out a winner for the first time in his life.

  158. Sequitur
    March 29th, 2011 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#151):

    bourbon babe ((shoving Mary aside))

    Oooh. That was dangerous. Are you okay?

  159. Professional Mole
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    I think I’m more concerned that Curtis grew a goatee or a soul patch or something like that in the last panel…

    “Two weeks ago, General Halftrack slipped off to the woods to quietly kill himself. Today, in a very special Beetle Bailey, Beetle finds the body.”

    That, or two weeks later Beetle is hallucinating out of sheer hunger. Will that be the end of Beetle Bailey? Yes, yes please!

  160. Alfred E. Neuman
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#138) said: “@Marvin’s Mom (#103): You’ve got me thinking. Are there any openly lesbian characters in the funnies?”

    Well, there’s always Bernice, the dear, sweet, lovable, ravenously incestuous bisexual harridan from Luann. On Valentines Day of 2008, she made a subtle but obvious move on Luann, which you can view here.

  161. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#158): The old bag has sharp elbows and some pretty sharp claws on her, too. But even though I’m little, I’ve got some moves of my own.

  162. Sequitur
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

  163. ArchieNemesis
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    Charterstoned, thanks for the elegant and funny haiku.

    Lenoxus, I wish the lazy cartoonist just show me what’s horrifying enough to warrant a goggle eye reaction, instead of making me dredge up horrors from the bottom of my brain to explain it.

  164. Les Moore
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    MW: Well, personally I’ve found that I have a lot more time for the Internet, now that I’ve given up incest on Saturdays. Just for Lent, you understand.

  165. Écureuil Écumant
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    Reply All: I don’t sympathize very much with their size neuroses. All they have to do is select themselves, then each drag one of their corner handles in the desired direction and release their mouse buttons when they’re satisfied. Shit, Cathy never had that option.

  166. Violet
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    So Brad envisions arousal to be his primary reaction to evaluating the physical appearance of a bunch of underage girls, including his sister. I would say that’s a new low even for Luann but (shrug), eh.

  167. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#145): Jane’s World actually looks pretty good. I guess it just got lost in the shuffle. Just between comics.com and Gocomics, there’s a lot to keep up with.

    @boojum (#146): Jill is bisexual. She has a girlfriend named margarita, but she also sees Hiram Walker on weekends. Don’t ever change.

  168. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#165): But…. but teh women, they have body issues, amiright?

    (But kudos on finding something funny to say about this abhorrently unfunny strip.)

  169. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#160): Luann could do worse, and almost certainly has.

  170. Dr. Weird
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#160):

    Mmmm, very nice to see that. Of course, there’s no greater sin in the Luannverse than making a simple, effective play for an object of your affection, which may be why Bernice hasn’t had much face time in the strip since.

    The strip page had a link to “Luanalizers,” Evans’ blog, which had the top item discussing counselors and kissing. I dared not go any deeper.

  171. Swordsmith
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

  172. Aviatrix
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    @Swordsmith (#171): Bwahhaaaha lol. Now I need a man to date, specifically so you can refer to him that way.

  173. Swordsmith
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#172): Did you see Commodorejohn with Aviatrix at that award’s show, don’t tell me she’s been 9CL’d straight?

    No, he’s just her merkin.

    Yep, yep, I think that’s a good word for it.

  174. Aviatrix
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

  175. Aviatrix
    March 29th, 2011 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#174): Damnit, I said “you’d better preview, there’s a URL in that,” and I didn’t listen.

  176. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Swordsmith (#171):

    Everything you wanted to know about merkins, but were afraid to ask (NSFW):

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merkin

  177. commodorejohn
    March 29th, 2011 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @Swordsmith (#171): Yes. Yes, I believe we’ll go with that.

    @Swordsmith (#173): Not that, though. Can’t a schlubby nerd and a lesbian aviator go out and have a good time without folk jumping to all kinds of conclusions? What is this, Three’s Company?

  178. ElkMeadow
    March 29th, 2011 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    @greghousesgf (#153):

    You mean Holland Dikes? a.k.a. Holly, currently in RMMD?

  179. Joe Blevins
    March 29th, 2011 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    Does Zomby belong in an institution? Yes, the institution of marriage!

  180. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    @Swordsmith (#173), @Aviatrix (#174), @commodorejohn (#177):

    Incidentally, the fur thingie dangling from the front of a Scotsman’s kilt is a sporran — not a merkin.

  181. Poteet
    March 29th, 2011 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @gnome de blog (#80): Too true. It’s good to know times have changed in regard to girls and guitars. And that second band name is also wonderful.

  182. tb4000
    March 29th, 2011 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    9CL: I keep forgetting that all the young’uns in this strip are no older than like 19-20, and frankly that’s still the least queasy thing about it.

  183. Poteet
    March 29th, 2011 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    BB — This strip has just ascended about ten notches on the list of comic strips that I’m very grateful Josh reads so I don’t have to. Is Miss Buxley going to become the next corpse?

  184. Carl Barks Fan
    March 29th, 2011 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    @vanya (#142): I don’t think
    Bernice is gay. I think she is a repressed hot number. I like that crinkly hair.

  185. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#176):

    There’s also a 1969 film with Joan Collins and Anthony Newley called:

    Can Heironymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?

  186. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#185):

    Forgot to mention that Heironymus Merkin also has Milton Berle, Georgie Jessel and Stubby Kaye in the supporting cast!

    The original movie poster:

    http://www.subcin.com/merkin.jpg

  187. commodorejohn
    March 29th, 2011 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#185): And don’t forget President Merkin Muffley of Dr. Strangelove!

  188. Anonymous
    March 29th, 2011 at 6:20 pm [Reply]

    I once again maintain that Beetle Bailey is actually on a subtle, cutting-edge campaign to expose the hypocrisy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. It’s left to the reader’s imagination as to whether “Hello, General” is directed at the actual General Halftrack, or Beetle’s nickname for Sarge’s manhood.

  189. Écureuil Écumant
    March 29th, 2011 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#180): I know exactly how the Scots make haggis. And having said that, I’m quite sure I don’t want to know how they make sporrans. Everything but the squeal, naturally. And what a sack-crinkler of a squeal!

  190. demoncat
    March 29th, 2011 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    of course its not the frizibee tossed for Marmaduke found some thing new which proably means another sacrifice.

  191. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#183): Just so we’re clear… I put the Heironymus Merkin movie poster up because I believe you ladies (and few gentleman) deserve some male nudity for a change!

  192. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 29th, 2011 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#140): Just like, at one time, the word Rollerblades©®™ was the first thing that came to mind when thinking of those roller skate thingies. And then Rollerblade©®™ got all huffy and insisted people use “in-line skates” instead. And now? Well, I had to look up in-line skates to remember what that brand name used to be.

  193. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 29th, 2011 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

  194. Shrug
    March 29th, 2011 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#138):

    “You’ve got me thinking. Are there any openly lesbian characters in the funnies?”

    Someone’s already cited DYKES TO WATCH OUT FOR, though the strip ceased its run a couple of years ago.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dykes_to_Watch_Out_For

    Local gay magazine LAVENDER subsequently ran another lesbian-oriented cartoon that I rather enjoyed, but I’m blanking on the name of it. (If it were from forty years ago, my Pluggerish mind would have recalled it.)

    In mainstream comics, one candidate whom no one has mentioned is the large women whom Opus dated once in BLOOM COUNTY (he had a date with her roommate, but she couldn’t make it and persuaded Whateverhernamewas to go out with him instead. It wasn’t a success.

  195. Écureuil Écumant
    March 29th, 2011 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#191):

    I recall my reaction to it as, “I Love You, Alice B. Toklas got the sixties gestalt better, these guys need some more orange sunshine.” But my favorite of that brief genre was Candy. I mean, Ewa Aulin.

  196. Swordsmith
    March 29th, 2011 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    How about Cherry, that’s a fairly lipstick sort of name, and she married the clearly sexless Mark, he’s certainly a safe candidate for Merkin. This also explains why she’s been hanging out with Kelly despite Kelly’s declaration that she was trying to get Mark’s attentions, under circumstances where surely no jury in the land would have convicted Cherry if there’d been an “accident” over at the dock. She’s hoping Kelly swings both ways.

  197. Aviatrix
    March 29th, 2011 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    @Swordsmith (#196): Why didn’t we see this before? No wonder she spends so much time at the hairdressers. I think I’ll head over and make her some pancakes.

  198. Poteet
    March 29th, 2011 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#191): Thank you most kindly. I can’t say this particular example of male nudity is entirely to my personal taste, but we must take what we can get.

  199. Poteet
    March 29th, 2011 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#72): I don’t know what it says about me that I shrieked with laughter at your MW comment, but I hope to see it again on some float or other.

  200. Écureuil Écumant
    March 29th, 2011 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#194): Since my mind seems to have drifted back to a certain bygone era, what should pop out but a dim recollection of Bonnie and Pepsi (of Shary Flenniken’s Trots and Bonnie) having some makeout sessions, toy parties or some such? (This sounds like an opportunity for [Old Man] Muffaroo, doubtless lurking in the wings.)

    I’m not claiming these meet the criteria; just reminiscing while I still have two neurons to bang together to make a spark.

  201. Theodora of Forth
    March 29th, 2011 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    I have to share this. The Ad Council is running radio ads in the area for The Shelter Pet Project. They feature an unnamed boy (he has to be Rusty) and his dog, Sassy. Makes me chuckle at my desk every time I hear it.

    There are two others, but I like this one best.

  202. Poteet
    March 29th, 2011 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#191): And tastes differ, of course, but in this case, I’ll take Mr. Newley over Mr. Berle.

  203. Maggie the Cat
    March 29th, 2011 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    BB- That Zoe is going to make some men man very happy someday.

  204. The Ridger
    March 29th, 2011 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#10): It worked in the paper – my brother used it! AND it worked for the answer, too.

    Hey, LUJBEM FEJF! Did you guys do that on purpose???

  205. The Ridger
    March 29th, 2011 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    Archie: I am blown away by the fact that Riverdale has such specialized, detailed history classes. An exam on Genghis Khan? I’m not sure we had a question about him.

  206. Uncle Lumpy
    March 29th, 2011 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    Nude Anthony Newly? What’s the point?

  207. carbunicle
    March 29th, 2011 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

  208. RShini
    March 29th, 2011 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#y260): RE: History of Scott Kurtz and the Newspaper comics

    Sorry if this isn’t completely accurate since it’s been years. But basically, Scott Kurtz had offer PVP to newspapers, either free (which granted is a boneheaded move) or without syndication deals, he only got one taker and it didn’t last long. HOWEVER:

    However soon after, a Non-Sequitor comic popped up with a fat nerdy guy getting bounced off a club yelling “PEOPLE KNOW ME ON THE INTERNET” with the Caption of “Scotty realizes internet isn’t reality” or something insulting like that, the fans of PVP thought it was a swipe at Kurtz, and Scott agreed. Unfortunately Scott Kurtz chose to respond poorly by ranting about it on his comic’s front page, and made a few spurious guesses as to why the guy would make a swipe.

    that’s what I think started it.

  209. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 29th, 2011 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#177): well, they’re STILL searching for the last pair that tried that. . . .

  210. commodorejohn
    March 29th, 2011 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    @RShini (#208): Seems like his biggest mistake would have been taking Wiley Miller to be representative of any group but the Smug Internet-Luddite Cocks Society.

  211. spike
    March 29th, 2011 at 8:37 pm [Reply]

  212. Écureuil Écumant
    March 29th, 2011 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#210): Which, itself, is a chapter of the Smug, Ungracious, Crotchety, Supercilious Cocks Society.

    Not “Fraternity”, mind you, which is by invitation only and far above his stratum. No, this is the “Society” — only membership requirement is to keep your dues current.

  213. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 29th, 2011 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

  214. John C Fremont
    March 29th, 2011 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    You know, a person could use a gherkin for a merkin, but that might cause a little confusion.

    Speaking of gherkins…

  215. Josh
    March 29th, 2011 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    @The Spectacular Spider-Brick (#133): Ha ha, done and done! And you’re thanked!

    Josh

  216. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#206):

    Nude Anthony Newly? What’s the point?

    I think his “pointer” was hidden behind a discreetly placed title card!

  217. dull_old_man
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#10): @The Ridger (#204):
    It isn’t very often that I find the Jumble well cooked [to use a word from the world of chess problems], but I did today. The Jumble meets a high standard for using scrambled common words that don’t have two solutions. I worked it online today; using Flash makes me grumpy, especially when I solved the word and it just sat there as if I had made an error.

    Anyone who has suffered a reduction in (work)force will tell you it isn’t slang.

  218. kkarenb
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#57):
    You are so right. Hasn’t Mark ever watched cartoons? Lonnie should stroll out in front of those guys, strike a pose, roll up her momjeans, and show some leg. When the guards’ eyes pop out of their heads, Mark can take over the plane.

  219. commodorejohn
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    @kkarenb (#218): If they really can’t spare Momjeans, Stan Laurel might be available… [*]

  220. Anonymous
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    BB: If Beetle really wants to go to spot where Sarge won’t find him he’d hightail it to AA or Jenny Craig.

    Curtis: I attended a Catholic school and once listened to a nun expound upon the theory that everything has a purpose on earth, everything fits into God’s plan for the world. I interrupted her to ask the purpose of rattlesnakes, phlegm and mosquitoes and was rewarded with a lecture from the principal about a.) interrupting the teacher, and b.) questioning God’s plan. What does all this have to do with Curits? Well, as near as I can tell, Curtis is the phlegm of the comics page.

    Marmaduke: Not funny ™.

  221. Jeff
    March 29th, 2011 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

    Herb and Jamaal would have just called the Frisbee® a “novelty flying disc”.

  222. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:05 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#202):

    Poor Stubby Kaye played Marryin’ Sam in both the stage and screen version of Li’l Abner, but no one wants to see him naked, either!

    Partial credits for Mr. Kaye (from Wikipedia):

    In 1962 he played the Mikado in Michael Winner’s The Cool Mikado. In 1965 he played alongside Nat King Cole as a traveling musician in the western/comedy “Cat Ballou”, starring Jane Fonda and Lee Marvin. He also made a guest appearance in “Delta And The Bannermen”, a story in the British science fiction series, Doctor Who in 1987. His last featured role was as Marvin Acme in Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

  223. Beetle Bumstead
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    Grampy Wilkins may indeed be both a con man and a farmer. However, we can be reasonably sure he is not Pitchfork Ben Tillman, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benjamin_Tillman a demon con man farmer, if ever there was one.

  224. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    @kkarenb (#218): heh. I am reminded of an anime attempt at that trope. [*]

  225. Austria
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    BC: Lame. Lame. Super la–………….is the Great Guru naked?

    Blondie: Holy crap, PIRATE BURGER!!! Why don’t these exist yet?!

    reFOOB: That’s hardly enough squiggles to make a proper swear. What is he? Is he a “hg”? What’s a hg? Elaborate, John.

    Marm: Actually, the first Frisbees were pie tins from the Frisbie pie company. Kids would throw them around, and that’s how the “inventor” got the idea. If anything, the generic name should be “pie tins.” [/nitpick]

    Zits: Oh — and the dad, who is JUST as guilty, gets off scot-free, I bet. Pierce, have you ever heard of video games?

  226. Fiercebadrabbit
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

    That doesn’t actually seem to be a Frisbee at all. Soup bowl, maybe? Nah, kinda mundane for the dark lord, Marmaduke. Weird hat? Possible, if Marmaduke has been hunting large smurfs or chefs or Curtis characters lately, but that doesn’t seem right either. It sort of looks like a pot… A pot one might keep gold in… Oh, Christ on a motherfucking cracker, Marmaduke ate a leprechaun!

  227. Old School Allie Cat
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    I just wanted to say that this morning, like every morning, I got onto Chron.com to get my funnies fix.

    Except that this morning, I was actually in Houston on business.

    It didn’t make the comics feel any fresher.

  228. Eldaglass
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    I know Ms. Salmon-Squares has unique tastes, but chocolate milk served with lemon wedges? Really, Mary? Or are you just testing your theory that Wilbur will eat anything?

  229. Ar-Lo Al-Jo Ames
    March 29th, 2011 at 10:59 pm [Reply]

    I thought it had long ago been agreed that the most prominent lesbian characters in the comics are Sally, Hillary, and Ted Forth.

  230. commodorejohn
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    @Ar-Lo Al-Jo Ames (#229): Don’t forget Faye…

  231. Pseudo3D
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke – A horrible comic strip being a corporate sell-out? Let’s see, where have I read about that before?

  232. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: I’m actually really curious why Craig responded, “But he wasn’t a conman” to the comment, “Did he have a pitchfork?” I can see him saying, “But he wasn’t a demon,” or even, “But he wasn’t a farmer.” But conman? And trying to sell milk to a cow isn’t a con. Like the old “selling refrigerators to Eskimos,” it’s a trope used to describe a really good salesman. If he succeeds, that is. If he doesn’t, then he’s just dumb.

  233. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:10 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#25), @Fiercebadrabbit (#226):

    I still say Marmaduke’s carrying a chamber pot in his mouth, but we probably shouldn’t go there (NSFW):

    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_tCehh-0gIkk/S3gD8mY9rGI/AAAAAAAABW0/VxdbYwsxbyY/s320/chamber-pot-squat.jpg

  234. Aviatrix
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#233): 1. Why did I click that, when I knew it would be exactly what the label in the URL indicated?
    2. What is the context of that image being on the internet?

  235. Chance
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    Say, wouldn’t Beetle Bailey be funnier have small amounts of humor-related material, instead of being kind of creepy and nonsensical, if we could actually see the General?

  236. Allen
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: Funny how Greg immediately insists his father wasn’t a con man even though his wife said nothing about that. Obviously, he knows his father was a con man, and now he doth protest too much whenever someone criticizes the old man.

  237. boojum
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#232): @Allen (#236): But… but — it’s right there in the comic! The sentence before the pitchfork remark.

    Am I missing something?

  238. whosegeorge
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    As more of a TV than comics person, thought I’d share a moment the two worlds almost intersected, Jim Henson’s “Wizard of Id” pilot. Whoa that’s surprisingly crappy!

  239. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#234): I found the photo on a blog site called “French Shelter”. The proprietress is a 41-year-old woman living in France, who apparently likes to write about things like chamber pots. Not sure if the woman sitting on the pot is her or not!

  240. Baka Gaijin
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:39 pm [Reply]

    @Eldaglass (#228): Wilbur will eat just about anything except Mary Worth. You know, that’s not a good thought to start the day with.

  241. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    Little bit of bummer news today. One of my favorite artists, George Tooker, left this world at the age of 90. For a picture-rich memorial, just click on my nom.

    @Écureuil Écumant (#200): Well, there was some of that, yes. There was also one time when “Trots and Bonnie” wasn’t just the title of the strip. The girls’ gym teacher had a rather striking appliance in her office, in one strip, which one of the girls swiped and wore in the shower room.

    @The Ridger (#204): It fit, yes, but it didn’t give me points, which I took to mean it didn’t like it. It’s just that I thought they always strove to avoid letter clumps that can be made to spell more than one English word. But I didn’t try to ‘solve’ until I’d put the word they wanted in there, so I defer to you for actually doing it.

    I see I’m at least partly repeating dull_old_man @217, but I’m on my way to becoming a dull old man myself, and we repeat ourselves, so I’ll leave it in.

    @Austria (#225): Hmmmm. The first ‘frisbee’ I remember my family having was an off-brand flying disk toy called “Pluto Platter.” We also had one that was more pointed in the middle. I don’t remember for sure: it may have had “flying saucer space toy” printed on itself somewhere. Come to think, “Ohio” would have been a good name, too. (If we still had it, and it was in Mint, with the original packaging, it’d probably be worth more than we paid for it. I’m guessing that since we had it, it never had its original packaging.)

  242. commodorejohn
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#240): It’s not a good thought to end the day with, either. Looks like another sleepless night for me…

  243. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    @boojum (#237): Huh. You’re right. “That old con man.” It’s right there. Well, the explanation for my mistake is quite simple, you see … Oh my God! Look over there, quick!

  244. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    @whosegeorge (#238):

    As more of a TV than comics person, thought I’d share a moment the two worlds almost intersected, Jim Henson’s “Wizard of Id” pilot. Whoa that’s surprisingly crappy!

    I spent 30 minutes today looking at chamber pots on the internet. Talk about crappy!

  245. Baka Gaijin
    March 29th, 2011 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#231): I see the halo of goodwill from Family Circus really helped Burger Chef. When was the last time you saw one of those around, I say ironically and wistfully. Mmmm, Big Shef!

  246. Maggie the Cat
    March 30th, 2011 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    @kkarenb (#218): #
    @Sequitur (#57):
    You are so right. Hasn’t Mark ever watched cartoons? Lonnie should stroll out in front of those guys, strike a pose, roll up her momjeans, and show some leg. When the guards’ eyes pop out of their heads, Mark can take over the plane.

    ORHasn’t Mark ever watched Porn? Lonnie should stroll out in front of those guys, strike a pose, peel off her shirt and wiggle out of those momjeans, and show some… everything. When the guards’ eyes pop out of their heads, Mark can take over the plane (because we all know his eyes won’t be popped out).

    (In case the PG version does no good, LOL.)

  247. Josh
    March 30th, 2011 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    @boojum (#237) and @Frank Lee Meidere (#243): I actually almost missed it too — I had a whole different joke written around the idea of “Why is Greg talking about con men? Who the hell brought that up?” and only noticed that Diane actually said “con man” in the nick of time. I’m kind of glad I’m not the only one. It’s hiding there, somehow! Almost as if it’s one of Grampy’s cons.

    Josh

  248. bats :[
    March 30th, 2011 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    Well, buckaroos, it looks like there’s a new story lurching across the horizon and heading toward Santa Royale. It also seems that we’re going to be cheated out of a well-deserved pool party.
    Or are we?

  249. bobbaloo
    March 30th, 2011 at 12:32 am [Reply]

    well we finally know why Drew’s relationships with women never pan out. I think the next comics crossover might have him and Lini hooking up

  250. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 30th, 2011 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    Pluggers… can use a mixture of baking soda, white vinegar, dishwashing detergent and 3% hydrogen peroxide to remove Kaitt Stine* from the carpet!

    *a/k/a Cat Stain. Did someone manage to slip a urine joke into Pluggers?

  251. This Guy
    March 30th, 2011 at 12:36 am [Reply]

    @whosegeorge (#238): Interesting. Yeah, not too funny, but it makes me wish they’d taken on a better comic. Some of Hart’s weird designs make a lot more sense as Muppets, though, and I love Henson just admitting it at the end: “It’s a standard Muppet finale. If you don’t know how to end it, go out with a [bang]!”

  252. Maggie the Cat
    March 30th, 2011 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    On tomorrow’s Mark Trail – Mark unwittingly sets fire to the island pastry shoppe’s cache of self-rising flour and other dry goods.

  253. CanuckDownSouth
    March 30th, 2011 at 1:17 am [Reply]

    I’m giggling too much over the thought of finding an oil lamp as the shed’s light to snark at Mark Trail. They quit making original art before rural electrification had made many inroads, amirite?

    And after reading PBS, feel the urge to do a Hitchcock “Where’s waldo” marathon…

  254. Karmyn
    March 30th, 2011 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    I’m going to call it. Holly Dikes has to be a drag king. That mustache alone is too impressive to be real. And no man would ever use that name. Not even the most flaming gay man.

  255. Poteet
    March 30th, 2011 at 1:35 am [Reply]

    3/30

    DT — Wait. Does this mean DT stories are actually going to move at a reasonable pace from now on? This’ll take some getting used to.

    LUANN — Package? Package? The snark just writes itself, but I’ll refrain.

    MW — Oh, modified rapture! How I wish we had a better view of that magazine!

    Phantom — Uh, Ghost? I thought you had a little more planning-ahead ability than Mark “Space Stare” Trail, but apparently I was mistaken.

    PLUGGERS — *grinds teeth*

    S-M — Now that you’ve found a technicality that makes you sort of innocent, Morbius, all you need is a wee bit of plastic surgery!

  256. Poteet
    March 30th, 2011 at 1:36 am [Reply]

  257. Cloudbuster
    March 30th, 2011 at 1:58 am [Reply]

    MW: I’m sure “Men’s Workout” is a very … manly magazine.

  258. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 30th, 2011 at 2:01 am [Reply]

    Herb:
    I like how the artist makes it clear which of the one woman in the room is “Sarah,” by placing her name prominently on the mug in her hand. It’s important to keep identities clear in sophisticated comedy. I can’t ascertain, however, the reason she has Marvin’s “I-Just-Pooped” eyes.

    Luann:
    Why?
    Why?
    This is Luann — and there was a punchline!

    “So it’s actually a ‘package pageant’.”
    “Um…no, I think that’s something else.”

    See? Perfect. Funny. “Get-Fuzzy” good when “Get Fuzzy” is good. Why didn’t you end on that rather than a bloody verbal fart?

    Mark Trail: Why is Mark unsure about the purpose of the structure? Surely in the Trail universe there’s a wooden sign hanging by a couple of nails outside the front door saying, “Drug Storage Shed.” Likewise, he seems strangely puzzled by the name of the “stuff that will be taken to their dealers in the States,” when there’s undoubtedly a label on it saying, “Drugs.”

    Or rather, as we discover in the final panel, “Drugs: Highly Flammable.”

  259. Aviatrix
    March 30th, 2011 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#258): Mark is so genre-blind he doesn’t even realize that he’s setting up a classic scene from every stoner movie ever made. He’ll take off, fly through the smoke, follow a giant reverse-coloured duck to safety and then land back in Lost Forest, red-eyed and desperate for some of Cherry’s pancakes.

  260. Aviatrix
    March 30th, 2011 at 2:12 am [Reply]

    BB: Ask and ye shall receive! Blips and Buxley are getting ready to go to tomorrow’s Pride festival.

  261. Aviatrix
    March 30th, 2011 at 2:13 am [Reply]

    FW: The cancer well has gone so dry that Batiuk has to reach back for a polio joke? If there ever was a call for sepia tones in this strip today is it.

    JP: Those horses are getting a lot of grain in their feed. Sophie and Abbey must be planning to ride them harder than Jackie Thornton on a brand new author.

  262. Aviatrix
    March 30th, 2011 at 2:15 am [Reply]

    MW: Is there any chance that the men in that magazine are wearing pants?

  263. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 30th, 2011 at 2:49 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#259):Ha! If that happens, I wonder if there will be a colour change in the strip. And by “colour change” I mean “they’ll put some in.”

  264. dale
    March 30th, 2011 at 3:49 am [Reply]

    MT

    If someone wanted to get into the storage shed, but stole the airplane key, they’d never get in. That’s the best type of security.

    Otto is in the smuggling business, not manufacturing. Why the shed full of flammable materials?

    Mark thought of fire all by himself!

    If the guards are any good, they’ll stay with the plane.

  265. Monty Python's Family Circus
    March 30th, 2011 at 3:52 am [Reply]

    @Not Just Any Dipstick (#139):

    Three. Quite a lot really.

  266. John C Fremont
    March 30th, 2011 at 5:53 am [Reply]

    MT – I’d just like to point out that those aren’t thought balloons. He’s actually saying this stuff out loud. And not saying it very well, either.

    MW – Hey, if it was good enough for Gil Thorp…

    Phantom – So his strategy is to give the Python a loaded gun and then hope he misses? They don’t call him The Ghost-Who-Doesn’t-Think-Things-Through-To-Their-Logical-Conclusions* for nothing, you know.

    *In the uh, Bandar – oh, never mind.

    9CL – Fernanda; “Wow! Now that you mention it, look at the size of those dogs.”
    Seth; “Well, you know what they say.”
    Fernanda; “No, what?”
    Seth; “For big feet, big boots!”
    [cut to Jambi reaction shot]

  267. Carl Barks Fan
    March 30th, 2011 at 6:24 am [Reply]

    9CL: Isn’t he a ballet dancer? With size 13 feet? Rather unusual?

  268. John C Fremont
    March 30th, 2011 at 6:27 am [Reply]

    @Monty Python’s Family Circus (#265): Well, I’ll have a slice without so much rat in it.

  269. monsieurjohn
    March 30th, 2011 at 6:33 am [Reply]

    Please, God, if you let Mark Trail be standing downwind from his narcotic bonfire I’ll never ask for anything again.

  270. gleeb
    March 30th, 2011 at 6:39 am [Reply]

    A 3-G: Dammit, intermission is over and we still don’t know who the heck Dan Diller is.

    Dick: No milk?

    ‘bean: The move from “utter misery” to “idiot teens” means a distinct lack of humor in this strip.

    Sophie’s Mope: Judge Parker now, is dabbling in “teens in misery,” but without any more success.

    Mark: As his whiskers grow, Mark turns to arson!

  271. Orchids
    March 30th, 2011 at 7:11 am [Reply]

    Maybe the old General just stepped behind a tree to take a whiz, where he met Grampy Satan and Marmaduke and made a pact with them.

  272. KarMann
    March 30th, 2011 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    3/30 Ripley: Eh, 28 years, 28,000,000+ years, same difference, right? [*]

  273. Little Guy
    March 30th, 2011 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    Big Nate: The Artur/Nate/Lunkhead conumdrum is the most entertaining triangle these days. How sad.

    Curtis: You know the phrase “too mean to die”? Diane’s going to be immortal because she gave Death the Withering Stinkeye of Doom.

    F&E: Wait… Norman Bates and Oedipus make it to heaven?

  274. Écureuil Écumant
    March 30th, 2011 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#241): “Hmmmm. The first ‘frisbee’ I remember my family having was an off-brand flying disk toy called ‘Pluto Platter.’ ”

    If this was prior to ’57, that would have been the original Pluto Platter designed by Walter Morrison. ’57 or later, would’ve been a gin-you-wine Wham-O Pluto Platter. That’s the first one I got my meathooks on, and I recollect it well, with its bas-relief flying saucer portholes. Voyaged for many a parsec aboard that thing.

  275. Écureuil Écumant
    March 30th, 2011 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    MT: Smuggling burlap-wrapped bales of mersh in a Cessna 172. Not gonna see this kingpin at a St. Tropez yacht party anytime soon.

  276. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 30th, 2011 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#234):

    Sleep deprivation garbled my previous response (#239), but here’s what I should have said:

    I found the photo on a blog site called “French Shelter”. The proprietress, a 41-year-old woman living in France, was moved (sorry, couldn’t resist) to post an entry about chamber pots and what actually goes into them. I’m not a naive person by any means, but even I was shocked by her willingness to discuss her BMs with the world — in excruciating detail. No, we won’t go there!

  277. Maria de Oro
    March 30th, 2011 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    @Maggie the Cat (#246):

    Modesty Blaise used this tactic all the time. She called it “The Nailer”. Modesty would whip off her top, the bad guy’s eyes popped out of their heads, and Willie Garvin would put them out of commission.

  278. wossname
    March 30th, 2011 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    MW – I’ve never been so glad to see Dr. Drew Corey! But wait – if tomorrow’s strip has him saying “I’ve been doctoring by computer, Dad!” and Jeff saying “But son, the old ways are the best ways,” I’ll just have to kill myself.

    Crank – Wait a minute, Pam. You’ve heard a lot about her? Two days ago you’d never heard of her and were snooping around the intertubes trying to find out who she was.

    DtM – Oh come on – you’re contorting your characters just to make the stupid pun. Can anybody really imagine Daddy Mitchell sidling up to Mr. Wilson and leering “There’s a tasty dish in my living room”?

    DT – Holy shit – his eyebrows are shaved into the shape of mudflap girl! (if she rested her head on her knees)

    MT – I’m so hoping those are bales of pot, and that the next scene will play out in a thick cloud of marijuana smoke, with the characters progressing from “cough cough” to “Oh wow man! Far freakin’ out!” to “Where are the cookies?” And I see @Aviatrix (#259) and @monsieurjohn (#269) are hoping pretty much the same thing.

    NS – It took me a while to figure this one out, because ya know, melting snow doesn’t smoke.

  279. boojum
    March 30th, 2011 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    @This Guy (#251):

    “It’s a standard Muppet finale. If you don’t know how to end it, go out with a [bang]!”

    That’s also a standard porn finale.

  280. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 30th, 2011 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    wossname
    March 30th, 2011 at 8:31 am

    NS – It took me a while to figure this one out, because ya know, melting snow doesn’t smoke.

    Me too. I just couldn’t figure out what was going on.

  281. Mark B
    March 30th, 2011 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#274): Yes, and the Pluto Platter was later rebranded as the Frisbee, so it’s all the same product, although ownership and branding changed over the years.

  282. Morgan
    April 2nd, 2011 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    I’m pretty sure Curtis is just adapting an old phrase, one obscure enough that I can’t find it on the internet at all, but which I’m sure I’ve read. The idea is that an unscrupulous and/or extremely persuasive salesman would be clever enough to sell goods to people who don’t really need them, possibly goods that were stolen in the first place:

    I.e…. “How much of a con man was he?”
    “He was the sort who could…
    …sell hens their own eggs back / sell cows their own milk back…
    …sell Bibles to a blind man…
    …sell a drowning man an anchor…” Etc.

    Unfortunately, Curtis weakens an already obscure allusion by making Grampy Wilkins sound stupid: “He was the type who would TRY to sell…”

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