Archive: Curtis

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/8/19

Oh, hey everyone, looks like the New Age Scammer plot is over and done so we can move back to … Buck and Mindy, everyone’s (?) favorite (???) recurring Rex Morgan, M.D., ancillary characters! Buck’s come a long way from when we first met him, right after he got shot in the head with a nail gun by his wife/Rex’s ex-girlfriend, and now he’s with his new loving wife Mindy, who based on the evidence of this strip he appears to have successfully knocked up, but what if she’s not pregnant at all? What if she’s just had really bad indigestion for the past seven and a half months, and when June says “it’s time,” that means that she’s finally successfully pooped under a doctor’s supervision? I think that would be truly beautiful.

Hi and Lois, 9/8/19

I’m sorry, “I’ll never be as great as you, but I’ll bask in your glory, not live in your shadow” is some extremely supervillain origin story monologue shit. Trixie has just pledged to live, die, and possibly kill for her liege lord, the Sun, and we should all be worried.

Curtis, 9/8/19

Man, I know the webcomics community doesn’t have quite the same energy that it did in the ’00s, but … are people really doing webcomics about half-assedly cleaning your dishes now? Is that … is that a thing? Maybe I’m the one out of touch with the scene.

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Crankshaft, 8/19/19

I get irritated when authors reward their fictional characters but I kinda understand it? I mean, if Rex Morgan punches your meal ticket for nigh on seventy years, why not slip the guy a free boat now and again?

But this crosses a line. Lillian is no towering literary lion like Judge Parker, earning endless sweetheart contracts for a string of unreadable books. She’s a second-string Funkiverse villain who ruined her sister Lucy’s life, then abandoned her to die in hospice care demented and alone. Here’s how to make it right: Lillian should take Eugene’s advice and write a memoir about Lucy, forcing her to confront her monstrous past and hurl herself in shame from her second-story bookstore window. Unfortunately, she’d probably just sprain her ankle, prompting knowing smirks all ’round.

Curtis, 8/19/19

Oh, look, it’s Curtis Learns a Valuable Lesson While Doing Summer Volunteer Work, a regular feature. This year’s Lesson will be delivered by Quincy Shearer, an unpleasant blind incontinent disabled alcoholic with toe fungus, two annoying corgis, and epic ear hair. Settle in for bitter invective against Kids These Days with their ridiculous allergies, TwitBooking on SnapFace, and expensive torn-up jeans. But enjoy your mockery now, because we’re all going to feel just terrible when Quincy’s Heart of Gold and/or Redeeming Backstory is revealed in a day or two.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/19/19

Speaking of Redeeming Backstories, here’s yet another Hallowed Elder with a Funny Name from the golden age of Pop Culture, and this one is a (dramatic music) woman! You know, Dale (neé Dalia) Messick broke into comics in the 1950’s with Brenda Starr. But I guess nobody wants to hear from some Depression-enduring, World-War-II winning, rock-and-roll-inventing has-been generation, at least not when there’s a pot-smoking, sex-having, self-indulging, Social-Security-bankrupting has-been generation in line right behind it.

Judge Parker, 8/19/19

Hey April, remember Saturday, when you threatened these two at gunpoint and demanded that they talk? Happy now?


— Uncle Lumpy

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Six Chix, 7/17/19

I really have to admire the amount of absurd world-building packed into this single panel. What you have here is a very small fishbowl, containing three fish, two of whom are mobsters (right? that’s what the implications of the dark glasses and the … hat and pipe … are supposed to be?), and they’re about to murder fish #3, for winning at cards. This just brings up a whole slew of other questions: What is the point of a criminal gang in a tiny community like a fishbowl, especially if two thirds of the inhabitants are members? What will the all-mafia society look like after poor Vince is killed? Is the (presumable) human owner of this fishbowl, the one who’s going to fish poor Vince out and flush him down the toilet, going to go out and buy a new fish to bring into the mix? Well the mobster-fish then bilk that fish out of its money at cards, by skill, cheating, or violence? What use is money in a society made up of three people (or three sapient fish) and no manufactured goods? Lots to think about, please email me your essays on the topic!

Curtis, 7/17/19

Nice try, Greg! The term “millennial” is slippery, but almost every definition sets the cutoff birth years in the mid-to-late 90s, which means the very youngest millennials are more than 20 years old at this point! Your son is “Gen Z” or whatever they’re going to end up calling themselves. You know who may well be a millennial is you, Greg, as the top of that cohort is in its late 30s at this point. “LOL,” as you kids say! (As a Gen-Xer, I personally can’t wait for the Generational Wars to end with Generation [Unpronounceable Glyph] refusing to interact with us in any way until it comes time for them to harvest the precious moisture in our bodies.)

Funky Winkerbean, 7/17/19

I don’t think I’d noticed before that Young Cliff Anger looks uncannily like handsome movie actor Mason Jarre. You’d think with a mug like that he wouldn’t have to be a writer to make it in Hollywood! Oh, wait, right, the Communism meant he couldn’t show his pretty face in polite company. Well, at least he has a simian pal to keep him company! Maybe Funky Winkerbean is just going to pivot to being a wacky strip about a happy-go-lucky Stalinist and his drunken chimp roommate, and I cannot emphasize enough how much of an improvement that would be.