Archive: Curtis

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The Phantom, 10/8/23

The Phantom is a comic strip first launched in 1936 about a lineage of white guys who’ve lived in Africa for hundreds of years and convinced the superstitious locals that they’ve been one immortal ghost that whole time, and while it’s made some good faith efforts of the years to get with the times, it’s not always what you might call “woke.” Like, for instance, it was a pretty big deal, back in the dark ages of 2008, when a waitress and a lady cop quit their jobs to join the Jungle Patrol, a formerly all-male paramilitary force that doesn’t believe in spirits but does take orders from a mysterious “Unknown Commander,” who happens to also be the Phantom. Anyway, it’s been 15 years now, so surely having female Jungle Patrollers is routine and acknowledged as helping create a stronger and more effective fighting force, right? Well, sure, until we get an appearance from a handsome fella like John X — who, to be clear, is once again, the Phantom, although he originally assumed that identity when he had some light amnesia. Anyway, he’s here now, he’s hot as hell, and he’s destroying unit cohesion because all the gals want to fuck him.

Beetle Bailey, 10/8/23

Beetle Bailey loves to add new characters to keep up with the “trends,” whether those trends are rock and roll music (Rocky) or the military being racially integrated (Lt. Flap), but I don’t think we’ve gotten a new one since Spc. Chip Gizmo arrived in 2002 as an admission that this “computer” stuff was here to stay. Anyway, now it’s 2023, and I’m not sure what it says about our current age that Beetle Bailey has decided to introduce a lovable child soldier character, but it can’t be good.

Curtis, 10/8/23

Barry has always been depicted as the smart one in this strip, but today achieves new stature as a prophet of the LORD, letting his family know that verily, all is vanity, we are all dust and to dust we shall return, and our brief time on this world mainly serves to amuse our Creator.

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Mary Worth, 10/6/23

Oh, root beer? You guys both love root beer? You’d describe it as your “favorite”? Well, I think we can forget DNA tests or the “necessary Q&A” about who failed to pull out of who when: paternity has now pretty much been confirmed! Congrats to all!

Beetle Bailey, 10/6/23

Ha ha, wouldn’t it be funny if a guy was in the army but — get this — he had a cell phone, like you and me, and he accidentally dropped it in the sink? Such a thing would be impossible, of course, but it’s truly whimsical to imagine. An army guy! With a cell phone! Oh, mercy.

Curtis, 10/6/23

Look, I’m not saying I want Curtis to wrap up and stop publishing — far from it! Please, grace us with crazy stories for many Kwanzaas to come! But I am saying that a very cool way for Curtis to end its run in the funny pages would be for one of Greg’s old enemies to escape from prison, forcing the Wilkins family to flee for their lives.

Judge Parker, 10/6/23

Oh, hey, a guy got tased in Judge Parker! Don’t really have much to add to that, just thought you’d want to know. He got tased right in the neck!

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Slylock Fox, 9/18/23

I love how the narrator (reflecting official Forest Kingdom Regime propaganda) just has Slylock “overhearing” this conversation, like it’s a conincidence or something, as if he hasn’t very obviously broken into the Count’s castle without a warrant to snoop on his private interplanetary conversations. You could’ve been the first sapient Earth creature to make contact with extraterrestrial life, Sly, but now you’ve spoiled it and probably started our planet’s first space war in the process, so congrats.

Curtis, 9/18/23

Curtis, I honestly think you should be less shocked by “My teacher got a new haircut over the summer” and more shocked by “I have had the same teacher every year for as long as I can remember, and every year I neither advance to the next grade nor get any older.” Anyway, remember a few years back, when you still stayed the same age but got a new hat? This is like that, pretty much.

Dennis the Menace, 9/18/23

OK, Dennis telling grinning and updating some unknown third party about his mom’s sleepiness status … I don’t know what’s going on here but the vibe is very menacing.