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Mary Worth, 5/16/05

You know, up until today, I would have described Mary Worth in many ways — as a self-important old biddy, as an evil, controlling harpy, as a kicky accessorizer with a cravat — but now I see her in another light: as simply pathetic. In a smug attempt to prove that she’s not an Alpo-eating alcoholic shut-in like Fay Begler, Mary summons up the ghostly shades of: Professor Cameron and his blonde trophy wife, who haven’t featured in the strip’s storylines in years, and combover king Wilbur and his wayward daughter Dawn. That constitutes her great fortune? Mary, allow me to be the first to break the news to you: just because the cruel gods that are Giella and Moy force them to live in your apartment complex and they don’t immediately flee when you start offering them your unsolicited advice doesn’t mean that they’re your friends. And you may be placing a bemused Dr. Jeff among your pantheon of well-wishers, but if I were you, I’d watch my back on this little boat trip, lest you end up in a Birdie-and-Barracuda-style watery grave.