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“That Archie is such a ‘card’! I want to ‘club’ him, have him ‘spade’, then pull out his still-beating ‘heart’ and show it to him.” –Ed Dravecky

And enjoy your extremely funny runners up!

“So when Lois suggested they eat away from the TV, Hi said, ‘You’ll have to pry this remote from my cold dead hand.’ One butcher knife later, the hand is cold and dead, but still clutching the remote in the living room, while Hi sits in stunned silence at the dinner table, glassy-eyed from acute blood loss.” –Nekrotzar

“Lacking wood or oil to warm their house, Snuffy and Loweezy warm themselves with a vigorous and cheerful rendition of the Macarena.” –Perky Bird

“It’s like the Godfather, if being literate had been Fredo’s betrayal.” –Doctor Handsome

“Are we sure those lines aren’t Mary’s spider-sense tingling? And by ‘spider-sense tingling,’ I mean, ‘Look out! Here come more inane, mind-numbing dialogue rather than any remotely resembling action.'” –R in CT

“Man, Flutesnoot is straight up original gangster. If I had to guess which Riverdale High teacher was cooking meth in a garage, I’d — well, I’d guess all of them. But if I had to guess which one breaks junkies’ legs when they don’t pay up? Flutesnoot.” –bunivasal

‘Where’d all these cats come from?’ ‘Well, as near as historians can tell, they were first domesticated in Egypt in … AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!'” –Pozzo

You’re six months pregnant with your first baby — at this point in your life everything is meaningful! You should try talking about your baby in every damn sentence at every damn opportunity. It isn’t tedious at all.” –Chareth Cutestory

I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Meg Rosoff: There Is No Dog: What if God were a teenaged boy. “Rosoff’s writing and sense of humor are a force of nature.” -PW “Irreverent and funny…earns its place among the sharpest-witted tours de force of recent memory.” -KIRKUS

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