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Oh hey have you been waiting for your COTW? Well brace yourself ’cause here it is:

“I love that Westview’s teachers always discover these draconian cuts five minutes before school starts. Guys, those budget cuts were made last May. Remember when they fired Larry the choir director, and outsourced lunch to a Chinese firm? No, it didn’t happen to Les, so I suppose you don’t.” –The Ghost of Jarrod

Your runners up are also amusing!

“Leroy’s look of disgust really tells the story. I mean, if Olive Garden didn’t want people to sit in their restaurants, eating basket after basket of free breadsticks while being a condescending prick to the staff, it shouldn’t advertise free breadsticks. I mean come on, this is America.” –Tophat

“Our police use power consumption to find grow-ops and drug labs all the time. I can only imagine Shylock’s initial glee and eventual disappointment when he got the call from the power company. ‘Finally!’ he thinks. ‘A real crime! No more stolen ice cream cones and counterfeit medicine. Breaking up a drug empire is my ticket out of this … Oh, for fuck’s sake … Penguins? Really?'” –Guts Dozier

“I love that one kid on the beach lost in thought, reading the back of his can of Crush Orange: ‘So refreshing! Does it actually have oranges in it? Hmmm … it does have citric acid, so yes, but what’s all this ester gum? It doesn’t taste like Bubblicious at all!'” –sporknpork

“As Rusty devours his ‘pizza’ Mark is scribbling in his notebook ‘drugs only gave Rusty insane dreams. Next time, use stronger dosage.'” –Digger

“Mark’s not even listening. ‘Indeed, Rusty … indeed!’ is just the generic response he has cued up whenever the hideous demon-child starts to speak. ‘Can I bring this plugged-in toaster in the bathtub with me, Mark?’ ‘Indeed, Rusty … indeed!’ ‘What lies beyond this world, Mark? Is it just a blank, formless void, an inescapable vortex where our screams go unheard for all eternity?’ ‘Indeed, Rusty … indeed!’ Meanwhile, Mark’s thinking about beige shirts or tree sap or something like that.” –Joe Blevins

“Hey Andy, why don’t you have a punny name, huh? Who the hell hired you?” –TheDiva

“Has Gil been reading my diary? And for the record, Kaz, no, not at all like your index finger.” –Esther Blodgett

“Of course pluggers are uninterested in sex. A single plugger family can consist of members of approximately eight different and completely incompatible species. Frankly I don’t know why they exist at all.” –C. Sandy Cyst

Judge Parker: “Let’s not do this until Thalia wakes up. I mean, what are the odds that the kidnappers will cut off any important parts of Ross’ anatomy in the next hour? Virtually 50/50, and I for one am comfortable with those odds since I don’t know him!” –Ratiocinator

“The governor has swiftly aged from ‘that handsome young man’ to ‘1970s character actor Joseph Campanella’ and will likely be ‘Regis Philbin on a bad day’ by the end of next month. Hey, Lu Ann has been widowed before, right?” –Ed Dravecky

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