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Hope your mid-August is going pleasantly, and that this hilarious comment of the week makes it more so!

“No more water, Jeffy, fire next time. FIRE. NEXT. TIME.” –Chyron HR

These very funny runners up certainly won’t hurt, either!

“The Singing Clam has gone solo? Does he still perform songs from his old band, The Bivalvet Underground?” –gelded wildebeeste

Judge Parker: “How about two weeks in your own Parisian flat two blocks from the Eiffel Tower? However, you can’t keep the money that sometimes leaks from the plumbing. That’s ours. Just let it accumulate in the buckets that have been set out for the purpose and Ned or I will collect it the next time one of us happens to be there.” –cheech wizard

“Ahh, the problem is revealed in panel three. The shape of Pam’s ear indicates that she’s an elf from Middle-Earth, perhaps an Eldar, who has lingered long in the corrupt and declining world of men, far from the Blessed Realm. This is why everything in this Funkyverse is so forlorn. She knows that none of these trucks will serve Lembas. She knows.” –Joe Momma

Mary Worth: “Her voice says ‘intuitive about a lot of things’ but her pointy finger says ‘I can say with experience that she’s a magical psychic being with powers of precognition your puny minds cannot comprehend! Do not doubt my powers!’ It’s all in the wrist, with Mary.” –Mikey

“So, you hear about that new bull in the barn? Yeah, he’s hung like a horse … Wait, is that a compliment for a bull? Anyway, he’s big. I like ‘em beefy. Oh, yeah, ‘beefy’ isn’t polite. He’s horny, too. I mean, you know, because he’s a bull. Okaaay, I heard Edna got killed, ground up and packaged yesterday.” –hogenmogen

“If Camp Swampy has a hygiene problem, maybe it’s because there are just two small sinks for an entire barracks. And everyone walks around barefoot in the latrine area. And Beetle appears to be lathering his face with a toothbrush. And Cookie… well, let’s not even talk about Cookie.” –BigTed

“Sam is looking through an early draft of his book, Eye Contact and How to Avoid It.” –Joe Blevins

“Sure, I’ll give you the horns as soon as I drink from this canteen … with the cap still on! Ha ha!” –Little Blue Bicycle

Funky Winkerbean: “Oh, I know so many things about Pavarotti, all from this biography right here! Tomorrow I’m reading about Guy de Maupassant — Mason, have you considered syphilis?” –Uncle Lumpy

“I don’t know why people wouldn’t want to ride in a taxi cab with a driver with hollow eyes that swallow your nightmares. Where to? how about the darkest corners of your soul?” –Chareth Cutestory

Funky Winkerbean: “Yeah, yeah, more talk about nails. Say Les, there’s three nails right here! Let take them and this hammer and go over to the set of The Last Temptation of Christ. I want to show you something!” –Mikey

“The Treetops Tattler-Tribune, despite being part of a rapidly shrinking market in a moribund medium, continues to survive in the Shoe universe of ornithoid/humanoid beings, but not due to its curmudgeonly weather hotline, which is outdated even by pre-internet standards. Rather, it owes its continued success to two words: cage lining.” –Chad Sexington

And we must, of course, give a shout-out to our sponsor for this week:

  • Self-Loathing Nerds: Humor fiction, news, reviews, and other crap by some huge god damned nerds.

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