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Mary Worth, 8/9/14

Since the dawn of time earliest days of this blog, Mary Worth has had one message for us when it comes to drugs, and that message is: drugs are bad. But it’s not just ponytail-sporting ex-cons who sell and/or do drugs. No, drug abuse can be found among the pillars of society, like doctors with comically inappropriate names, who seem like upstanding non-addicts but when you stumble into their office at night you find them ready to inject themselves with some sweet, sweet morphine/heroin/look that’s a medicine syringe and I just happened to have it laying out on the table while I did a little flexing, OK? I’m not a junkie, I swear! Anyway, I definitely would not let this guy remove any cysts from my torso, no sir.

Judge Parker, 8/9/14

Welp, it looks like Gloria and Steve won’t be raising human cattle for processing into Soylent Green after all; this was apparently just a weird reference to having their having kids or whatever. Anyway, today is the day we learn that Gloria hasn’t done any work in years.

Apartment 3-G, 8/9/14

We, the readers, already know that Tommie’s Terrible Trauma is that her fiancé died in a plane crash. Does that make her refusal to talk about it more or less boring for us? Discuss.