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FAITHFUL COMICS CURMUDGEON READERS! You see before you the last set of Comments of the Week that I will write as a resident of Baltimore! I’m spending the next two days in a frenzy of packing, and then over the next week and a half or so my wife and I will be driving across this great land we call “America.” Uncle Lumpy will be in the (metaphorical) driver’s seat on the blog until about … September 3rd? Sure, let’s say that. Subject to change! But probably September 3rd. Anyway! See you on the other side of the continent, guys! But first, the promised comment of the week:

“In Rex Morgan today, Judith Martin aka Miss Manners agitates for industrial action. The bourgeois Morgans turn their heads from the plight of working academic nurses now, but come the revolution they’ll answer to the sisters whom they forsook in their hour of need. Solidarity! I can’t wait to see Rex up against the wall, his blindfold pressed in a perfect French pleat.” –Jessie

And the usual array of hilarious runners up:

“Mary Worth is such a hipster. ‘I was an Indigo Child before it was cool.'” –CanuckDownSouth

“No, but just look at panel 5! June really is sorry about what happened to Suzanne and the others. She is sorry about what happened to Suzanne and the others. She is sorry … sorry … sorry … I do not want my wallet. I should give it to June. June will know what to do with it. June is very helpful.” –Spunde

Mary Worth: “I may have saved Olive’s life … But in all modesty, I have to point out that what I saved is incredibly valuable! Yay, me! Wait, is that modesty or the other thing?” –Peanut Gallery

“The writers of Pluggers have hit the sad realization that their target audience is dying off and they needed to reboot the concept. ‘Kids like extreme sports, right? This’ll get them off that interwebs and x boxers. Dear God, please don’t let them cancel us. I can’t go back to teaching cartooning at my local community college. I can’t'” –Bono Vix

“I see the bank robber has a gun. I imagine a doughy, bespectacled casually clad man suspended on ten foot metal stilts will make an easy target at twenty to thirty feet.” –Optimus Prime Rib

“If Spider-Man wasn’t already jealous of Doc Ock, he sure will be when he sees that pretty blonde in the last panel. No attractive lady ever gazed up so admiringly and longingly at his crotch, in spite of all those years he’s spent splaying his spandex-clad legs high above the city streets!” –Perky Bird

“If you Google ‘bear on roller skates,’ the first results you get are videos from North Korea and China. Which can only mean that pluggers’ worst fears have finally been realized: The last domino has fallen, and they’ve succumbed to the influence of global communism.” –BigTed

Crankshaft: “Note the date: today noted skeptic and science-hater Ed has confirmed his belief in anthropogenic climate change. Not only that, but he’s going to write a letter! So I guess the joke here is that while we’re all responsible for the state of the earth, our individual actions are so meaningless in the grand scheme of things that we might as well not bother.” –pugfuggly

“Maybe this isn’t a pickup line, but it is the end of a longer explanation. ‘Your siren song lured my crew to dash the ship upon the rocks, and they all drowned. Eddie and I somehow swam to these desolate holds of cold stone surrounded by miles of empty North Atlantic waters. If you have the tiniest shred of decency, how about a nice, warm hug?'” –hogenmogen

“I hope True Standish changes his mind about going to Valley Tech. He’s a quarterback who’s so lackadaisical about the sport that he hasn’t touched a football all summer, he’s so clumsy that he can’t step off a curb without hurting himself severely, and he is so uncoordinated that he can’t even shake hands. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the sports hero that Milford deserves!” –seismic-2

Funky Winkerbean: “How delightfully clever! By unrealistic authorial fiat, two lackluster storylines that were staggering to unsatisfying conclusions — each notionally developing an unpleasant member of the regular cast by having them do things they initially despised but sort of came to appreciate in the end — are revealed as merging into one amorphous mass of narrative waste product.” –Master Softheart

“Desperate to talk to literally anyone about literally anything, Roz asks the Perfesser an inane but open-ended question only to have the Perfesser immediately turn to his electronic device so as to avoid even that most basic of social graces — small talk with acquaintances. Is this simply a new level of passive-aggressiveness or has the Perfesser finally found an addiction that suits him, the female voice in his smart phone?” –Flippin Arkansas

“What TV program could possibly be provoking the wide-eyed, blissed-out wonder we see from every member of the notoriously jaded Miller clan? I can only imagine that the Discovery Channel finally went and green-lit A Guy Jangles His Keys in Front of the Camera.” –Joe Blevins

“I am looking forward to seeing Parker covered in effluvia and exiting through some storm drain 300 yards from the bank a half hour after realizing sewers do not provide easy access to buildings.” –Anonymous

“Say what you will about his oppressive, magic-supported reign of terror, the King of the Idiots has amazingly good spray-painting skills if he can do six lines of words in New Century Schoolbook without a stencil.” –Chip Whittle

“The procedure went well! I’ve always wanted to be a Morlock!” –Marcus Theory

Mark Trail: “I guess they call him ‘Dirty’ Dyer because ‘Beady Eye Flop Sweat’ Dyer doesn’t scan as well.” –Voyage of the Oversnark

“Mommy, you didn’t cook P.J. enough — he crawled out of the roasting pan! Can we order a pizza now?” –AhClem

“Why, if you rearrange the letters of ‘Starbucks,’ erase some, add a few more, you get ‘Hitler.’ Our records show that he’s dead … or is he!?!” –Dr. Mabuse

“PJ didn’t understand. There were five places set at the table, and six Keanes. This was the way the nightly game went, and at long last, he had beaten his father out. He was just inches from dinner. Who was Dolly to deny him his victory? The hunger he had learned to accept long ago, but even he was surprised by the rage and frustration that built within him. The worst part of it — he knew this even as an infant — was that when the cops grilled him about years later, it would no longer make sense. Even to him, the motivation for his horrific actions would remain obscure.” –pastordan

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