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AHHH IT’S THE SECOND MONTH IN A ROW WITH A FRIDAY THE THIRTHEENTH! Luckily (see what I did there), you have this comment of the week to console you:

“‘We sure are growin’ up fast, aren’t we, mommy?’ [Keane children join together and morph into one massively tall melonheaded SuperKeane that devours mommy]” –Jack loves comics

And these very funny runners up!

“Dennis the Menace really is rocking the ‘Gingers are soulless monsters’ thing this week, eh? Just look at those glowing blue wells where the baby’s eyes should be.” –James Dowd on Facebook

“‘Those look fantastic!’ ‘Why, thank you, 1980s Pete Rose! And thanks, too, for showing up at our barbecue.’ ‘Oh, no problem. I’m not … I’m not a busy man.'” –Joe Blevins

“In Judge Parker, Rocky takes time out from leering at Neddy to admire Godiva’s breasts. In Mary Worth, we get the final (please?) All Praise Mary scene of a story about two women realising that a man was all they needed to be happy, and now they can give up things like driving and self-reliance. And in A3G poor Margo is so overcome by her feminine emotions that she’s on the point of complete hysteria. Happy International Women’s Day, everyone!” –Horace Boon

“I hope this is the start of an epic story about a young beaver, who went off on his own, found a stream to dam, and created a new beaver pond in which Rusty drowns.” –nescio

“I’m hearing Jeffy’s speaking there with the voice of Hannibal Lecter. ‘You want to know how old I am, Clarice? Take these mittens off of me, and I can tell you. I can count off my fingers like you count off the remaining years of your life, lonely and afraid despite your gun and badge.'” –Voshkod

“My take on it is that Slylock is not on the prosecutor’s team this time. He’s making some honest coin by defending a dishonest client. Why else would such a bizarre defense have been cooked up? ‘How could Rachel have seen my client when the porch light was not on, and the moon was not out? In fact, there was only a single star in the sky. I ask you, kind animal citizens of the jury, how could you possibly convict, based on this shady … bad choice of words, uncertain testimony?’ The cat in the jury can see by the light of a single star even at night, and doesn’t see what the big deal is. And owls can’t roll their eyes like that. They keep them locked dead ahead, like the entire jury, stunned that Slylock is defending Mr. Shrew in court, after being the one who blew out of the water Shady’s alibi about skiing in South America (it is summer in South America).” –Hogenmogen

“In Terry Pratchett’s The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents, the colony of evolved rats uses an old Beatrix Potter-esque children’s book as their holy writ. What I’m saying is, Law and Order may not have survived in Slylock’s brave new world, but Encyclopedia Brown definitely did.” –TheDiva

“Sure, right now Momma’s only breaking the fourth wall to make us co-conspirators in her ‘joke,’ but tread carefully, dear reader! YOU KNOW how Momma works! Those playful winks and nudges will gradually morph into subtle recriminations, and before long any pretext of subtly will be dropped. ‘You seem to have spent quite a bit of time reading #Marmaduke this morning,’ she’ll say, locking your eyes with her wide, unblinking gaze. ‘You know, this strip is probably going to be cancelled soon and then your sad and lonely Momma will be #GoneForever, but fine, go ahead and laugh it up at that big dog’s #PlayfulHijinks.’ #DontLetMommaWin! #HashtagsHashtagsHashtags” –The Silent Penultimate Panel

“Look at that jerk, he’s all, ‘This is the wrong soda, and my sandwich has a cockroach in it, and I’ve been trying to get the staff’s attention for twenty minutes but they just stand inside the kitchen whispering to each other!’ It’s a total color nine smell scene, man.” –Chyron HR

“Crankshaft realizes old-fashioned mousetraps are more environmentally friendly than the traps baited with poison he usually pictures. Dammit! That woman has already influenced him in unintended ways! He’s got to get out of going to that garden show or she’ll have him eating turkey sausage for breakfast.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I was worried when we set up my ‘accident’ but those new super-slim Depends don’t even show under my costume.” –cheech wizard

“I disagree with Josh today. I think intentionally taking a soccer-style flop is EXACTLY Newspaper Spider-Man’s level of sophistication as a superhero. Spider-Man: ‘Ow! Owoooo! Oh my God, my ribs! I think they’re — broken!’ Big Robot: ‘HE-IS-LYING-HE’S-THE-ONE-WHO-TRIPPED-ME-INTO-HIM’ Spider-Man: ‘Ow ow owwwwwww!’ Mysterio: [throws penalty card on robot] Big Robot: ‘YOU-SUCK-HE-IS-NOT-EVEN-HURT'” –Laura

“Between panels 1 and 2, the little green lumps on Mary’s plate have engorged themselves on the big brown lumps. That’s more action than this strip has seen in ages. Meanwhile, Dr. Jeff shows us what a skilled surgeon he is, by pretending to know how to use a fork.” –seismic-2

“Ha, ha! I was impressed with your zealous attitude as a volunteer! I mean, my word, trying to resuscitate all those patients I’d killed!” –Dood

“‘Former Bigwig’. ‘Zealous Attitude’. Are these code words for sex that old people use?” –Mumblix Grumph

“Oh, snap! ‘FORMER bigwig!’ Mary is negging Jeff! No wonder he’s hooked.” –Ruth McIlhenny Gorme, on Facebook

“With him you never know! Maybe he would prefer smashed potatoes, or crashed potatoes, or even crushed potatoes. Damn foodies! Potatoes were our thing!” –pugfuggly

“Geez, Dennis, must you spoil everything? Mrs Wilson is trying her best! It’s not easy to put together a lovely meal after the Great Meat Famine. Didn’t your parents teach you any manners before they died of malnutrition?” –made of wince

“Seriously, what part does Skyler play in these Bond films, Frumpy Galore?” –Dood

“Daddy, you know I can’t take your credit card. Hell, I’m the only kid on the block with a ‘do not accept checks from…’ sign on my wall. It’s just five pictures of you with different glasses and moustaches.” –Dan

“Y’know, maybe these are ‘bond movies,’ promotional films that feature waxy, dowdy blondes in weird pink polo blouses encouraging folks to buy war bonds.” –Ukulele Ike

“As Moses put the word of the Lord into Aaron’s mouth (Exodus 4:15), Billy opens his to receive the word from his father. Debate has raged for years on whether the body of Alan Greenspan literally or figuratively materializes during this capitalist communion.” –Hibbleton

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