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Mary Worth, 3/27/16

You know, if you want proof that Mary’s reputation as a fixer of lives isn’t quite deserved, check out Dawn Weston. She’s been living in Charterstone under Mary’s watchful gaze since childhood, and still she’s as sad and pathetic as ever! But soon she’s going to be the coolest kid at her local junior college: remember, every great tale of social climbing begins with a unappreciated teen violently clinking coffee mugs with an old woman. Let the aggressive friendship-establishment montage … commence!

Judge Parker, 3/27/16

How often has this happened to you? You think your country music star husband has run off with his secretary … but nope, he’s just flown to Los Angeles to buy some solid gold cookware, probably as a gift for the Sultan of Brunei or something. Ha ha, what a kooky misunderstanding! Thank goodness the crack Judge Parker investigative team was on the case to figure this stuff out before things got out of control! And all they had to do to figure it out was abuse their wealth and privilege and use the power of the state for their private interests.

Oh, and, hey, remember that lady that Neddy sideswiped with her monstrously large RV without noticing? Well, she’s not a sexy lady like Neddy at all, but is instead a heavyset woman literally named “Mrs. Chubb,” so probably the whole thing was her fault and she’ll be writing the Spencer-Drivers a check soon enough.