Archive: Judge Parker

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Mary Worth, 1/25/19

One of the things that makes it so much fun (YES, IT’S FUN, I’VE BEEN DOING IT FOR 14 YEARS AND IT’S STILL FUN, DARN IT) to analyze the soap opera strips is that the gap between what it seems like we’re supposed to believe is happening and what we actually see happening is hilariously wide. Like, so far Ian’s been winked at and less than chatty at dinner (which, you know, so has Toby). Is this what Mary Worth thinks the warning signs of an affair look like? Is this what Mary Worth thinks an affair is? Just a rash of winking-based adultery ruining marriages left and right all over this land of ours? The only way to prevent this is to make botox treatments that immobilize the whole eye area mandatory. Toby’s probably way ahead of the game!

Judge Parker, 1/25/19

Oh my goodness, Sam’s pissyface glowering at the back of this press conference is very much giving me life today! “How dare he,” the lawyer, who has no qualifications to practice in this jurisdiction and also isn’t great with what you’d call “people skills,” fumes. “How dare he describe exactly the things I’ve been doing since I got here, on camera!”

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Gil Thorp, 1/22/19

Sure, Gil talks a big game about how he doesn’t lose any sleep about how his slipshod coaching practices might negatively affect the lives of his players, but I gotta think this billboard business has him rattled. Maybe he’s starting to second-guess himself: should he have noticed that one of his student managers was dealing fake adderall to a player? Now he’s swinging wildly in the other direction and has decided that Mike Filion isn’t doing great in one of his classes and is irritating everyone with That ’70s Show quotes because he’s suicidal! I’m excited to discover that the only thing more annoying than Gil’s disinterested undercoaching is Gil’s intrusive overcoaching.

Judge Parker, 1/22/19

CHRISTOU: Thank you, everyone. The mainstream media would have you believe that beloved Western star Roy Rogers died of congestive heart failure in 1998 in California. But the question the police force of this unnamed resort island nation would like to pose to you is: what if he didn’t?

SAM: [on phone] My god, Abbey, it’s even more sick and depraved than I could’ve imagined!

Mary Worth, 1/22/19






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Mark Trail, 1/6/19

Mark is kind of oblique in panel one about the change in public sentiment on big game trophy hunting, but what he’s really hinting at is that Mark himself was at the forefront of opposition to canned hunts long before it was fashionable! True Trailheads remember the delightful story from 2010 (summarized here) where Mark’s neighbor set up a fenced private hunting preserve as part of a plan to get elected governor (really), and the man’s own stepdaughter’s pet deer (YES REALLY), named Lucky (I KNOW), almost became a victim! But were there #SaveLucky campaigns? Was there an online petition site at There was not. There wasn’t even an internet back then, as far as Mark knew, because he still writes his stories on a manual typerwriter and only had a flip phone until 2016, so Mark just had to punch the dude in the face instead.

Judge Parker, 1/6/19

Remember when Sophie was obsessed with collecting data and learning about the nuances of modern third-world conflicts. Well, now she’s getting her news from Yahoo! Yahoo! This is just sad.

Dick Tracy, 1/6/19

There’s a guest writer filling in for a two-week “Minit Mystery” in Dick Tracy, and given the overall current vibe of the strip, it’s pretty bold to hinge the whole plot on nostalgia being literally toxic.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/6/19