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Hey guys! My northeast book tour is rumbling your way with the full force of a runaway subway train! Behold, Facebook events for every stop, plus important transit information for each!

  • April 26, 7 pm, at Upshur Books in Washington, DC! To get here via the Washington Metro, take the Green or Yellow line to Georgia Avenue/Petworth.
  • April 28, 7 pm, at Atomic Books in Baltimore! I’m sharing this bill with Ariel S. Winter, who’ll be reading from his book Barren Cove. To get here via the Baltimore Light Rail, take the train to Woodberry.
  • May 2, 7 pm, at the City Reliquary in Brooklyn! To get here via the New York Subway, take the G or L train to Lorimer Street/Metropolitan Avenue, or the J, M, or Z train to Marcy Avenue.
  • May 5, 7 pm, at Talking Leaves Books in Buffalo! To get here by the Buffalo Metro Rail, take the train to LaSalle station.

    • If you haven’t bought my novel yet and are planning on attending one of these events, I would ask that you hold out and buy it there, because that helps out the bookstores who have been nice enough to host me. (If you haven’t bought my novel yet and won’t be able to make it to any of these events, well, you know what to do.)

    OK! And now! Your comment of the week!

    “Xandu’s phone doesn’t have an outward facing camera lens, so my best guess is that he bought a phone that could only take selfies. That, or the greasy salesperson at the Verizon store pegged him as an old person trying to buy a smart phone. ‘Sure, yeah, you want to do the selfies you hear kids talking about? This one can do that for you. Now how about 4-year insurance and theft protection for our one-time special price of $135? I like your cape, by the way.'” –Chareth Cutestory

    And your hilarious runners up!

    “Human beings talk like this — to one another!” –Paul Bond, on Facebook

    “This is one of those conversations where somebody mispronounces ‘epitome’ and the other person doesn’t correct it. Years later, Dawn will learn the correct pronunciation of ‘epitome’ and she will burn with shame at this memory.” –lorne

    “Like a modern-day Da Vinci, I’ve got a blog and a podcast.” –Doctor Handsome

    “Every line of Dawn’s dialogue reads like a Turing test. ‘I heard it’s a popular form of physical exercise. Would you like to hear about other exercises? For example, I know a lot about Pilates, which is also popular. Try things! Art! Mustache ERROR ERROR ERROR.'” –els

    “What’s his safe word? ‘Mailbox,’ maybe?” –The Kangaroo

    “Oregano? Paprika? Not on my watch. If pepper was good enough for my grandpappy in World War II, it’s good enough for you. God help you if you ask me for salt.” –Tigernan Douglas Quinn, on Facebook

    “Oh, it’s not going to happen here. I thought we’d convene the club at a nice cafe, sip some lattes and think of sandwich ingredient combinations, and then name them after club members who best fit the description of that theoretical sandwich. Then, the orgy.” –pugfuggly

    “I think Lou is subtly hinting that he is the only character in the strip with metafictional awareness. ‘It’s not going to happen here,’ he says, wondering for a moment if he should tell Dagwood that there is a world where it does happen, a world where they exist only in a timeless, two-dimensional limbo, endlessly acting out shopworn running gags for an ambivalent, dwindling audience. He decides to keep silent, and secretly envies Dagwood’s blissful ignorance.” –TheDiva

    “I applaud Mary Worth’s new, more honest presentation of bland platitudes as things that have ‘been said,’ rather than specifically attributing them to John Donne and/or Lennon.” –Chyron HR

    “Hands out, snap your fingers, twirl, and DANCE BREAK. Dawn’s one-woman production of West Side Story is going… I mean, it’s not going well, but at least she’s getting out of the house.” –Dan

    “The most unsettling thing is that Dawn’s thoughts register as more unintelligible than those of Trixie, and she gets two whole panels.” –Irrischano

    “I think Beetle Bailey is setting up a long game that will pay off months from now. A group of bombers is attacking a suspected terrorist compound somewhere in the Middle East, but one plane drops flowers instead of bombs. ‘Uh-oh,’ the pilot thinks, ‘Looks like I got in the wrong plane.’ Cut to Camp Swampy, where all the buildings are demolished, everything is on fire, and everyone is dead or grievously wounded, at which point the strip can finally, mercifully end.” –Francis

    “Grandma? The lady who’s staring vacantly in the background for no discernible reason? I wouldn’t put too much stock in anything she tells you, Dolly.” –Steve S

    “Dawn doesn’t realize how lucky she is that Harlan isn’t just introducing her to yoga. He’s introducing her to cold yoga. Practiced on a sheet of solid ice, it’s for those elites who know ‘hot yoga’ is for suckers. Real yoga mastery is being able to maintain a downward dog while your mat keeps slipping out from under you.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

    “As much as we snark on Judge Parker, it’s nice to see a comic strip that presents a marriage between a woman and a car-carrying vessel as a normal thing that doesn’t require comment. Here’s to a long and happy marriage between Angie Thornton and the M/V Peter Ferry. May they have a flotilla of healthy tugboats.” –Voshkod

    “Look at Harlan, creating a ‘safe space’ for Dawn, as is the trend at college nowadays. ‘We’re informal, like we’re at home. No more furrowing your brow as you try to comprehend the achievements of the great intellects of the past.’ It must be working, because the guy in green is feeling safe and informal enough to fondle himself in public.” –KreatureFeatures

    Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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  • Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

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