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Hey there! If it’s the first Friday of the month, it must be time for me to plug today’s installment of the live comedy show I host in Lost Angeles, The Internet Read Aloud!

This month, we’ve got: Mary Sues! Unsolicited emails! TV’s Alf! MUSICAL GUESTS! And much more! Here’s the Facebook event, if you like those! We’re at the Clubhouse, which is at 1607 North Vermont Avenue in Los Feliz — it’s in the shopping center just the north of the Vons (just to the left, as you’re looking at the storefronts), under a sign that says “That’s Shoe Biz!” (There’s a smaller sign that actually says “The Clubhouse,” but it’s hard to see unless you’re up close.) Lots of free parking and an easy walk from the Red Line! Don’t miss it!

Also! I’m gonna be packaging up everybody’s tote bags this weekend, so if you want one and haven’t filled in the form with your address, please do so! And if you haven’t received the email with the link to the form, please email me at!

And now, your comment of the week!

“So, the police spent zero time investigating the missing child that Crankshaft forgot was on his bus, but rushed out immediately to handle this soaping business. Looks like Cranky is enjoying rich rewards for helping his pal lose the last mayoral election.” –Aphthakid

Plus your runners up! Very funny!

“And that was how Cindy and Mason forged their suicide pact.” –TheDiva

“Amazing throwaway-panel-near-emotional-reversal on Hi & Lois. It makes it seem as though the kids think they’re going to get some joyous family togetherness time before Mom crushes their hopes. But look closer at the red tension patches on their cheeks, unchanging in the subsequent panels, their timorous smiles, the slight hunch in their backs — they’re just putting a brave face on it. Deep down they know what the next four panels will be like.” –matt w

“Of course, a sure way of retaining youth and health is exposing as much skin as possible to those life-giving UV rays!” –bbofun

“That diagrammatic arrow in the third-to-last panel kills me. They really didn’t trust readers to understand the basic physics of this stunt. Trust me, anyone reading Dick Tracy on a Sunday has probably seen The Blues Brothers once or twice.” –Joe Blevins

“Rope? Check. Sacrificial animal? Check. Blade? Check. Innocent child? Check. Faux piety? Check. I don’t think Snuffy’s trick-or-treating at all; I think he’s trying to recreate the Binding of Isaac.” –Schroduck

“Today we learn that all you have to do to convince Mary Worth of any half-baked idea is spout two unrelated platitudes at her in close succession, causing her circuitry to overload so she goes into a feedback loop of her own advice.” –Steve S

“‘Travel the world for twelve months’ is how the Maryverse writes out a character for about 17 realtime years.” –Johnny Knuckles

“What’s sad about today’s Phantom is that Lavender Sweater Guy knocking on the door and politely asking if he can come in is, like, the most tension the strip has seen in MONTHS.” –Kevin Forest Moreau, on Facebook

“The jar is no doubt empty as Stropp’s mortal remains sitting atop a musty old locker has long been used by an unwitting janitor to clean up a spill or absorb some freshman’s vomit in the gym. Once this has been realized, Les will quip: ‘Well, Coach Stropp was always absorbed by the action on the floor.'” –Joe Momma

“In order for this strip to achieve peak Funky, it would require some weak attempt at wordplay: ‘Good thing that didn’t remain up there — if I had forgotten I would be ashen faced. He urn-ed the right to be treated better than that. Whew, got those out just in time; here comes the stroke that will rob me of the ability to speak.'” –Nekrotzar

“A nice capper for Wilbur’s ‘I should probably tell my daughter I’m leaving for a year, oh, yeah, where is she, anyway?’ afterthought would be if he imagined a totally different woman while thinking it. I vote for Tyler Perry’s Madea.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I legit read Mary Worth’s caption as ‘Wilbur decides who Hell will inform next.’ Which, although not exactly grammatical, would be a super plot twist. And I, for one, would read the Mary Worth spin-off Wilbur, The Voice of Hell.” –Victor Von

No, she isn’t playing on them. She never interacts with us in any sort of play or fun. She says that’s why I have siblings so she can have her grape juice.” –Chareth Cutestory

“I love that the hardworking zookeeper with the disdain for elitist politicians looks like he stepped right out of a 1930s Soviet propaganda poster. ‘Your attempts to join the petty bourgeoisie will be for naught. When the revolution comes, you will not be spared.'” –pugfuggly

“Welcome to another exciting episode of Jordan’s Wide World of Meat.” –Pozzo

“Who knows what adventures Selfy will have between now and the time an elephant sits on him?” –Chyron HR

“Since this is Funky Winkerbean, I assumed that ‘snap’ was the sound of Bull’s tibia breaking.” –Lawyerbob

“I would find it extremely satisfying if Bull’s trip-and-spill sent him into an apoplectic rage whereupon he proceeded to punt the urn and its remaining ashes between the goal posts. If he then dropped dead of a heart attack/ghost curse, that’s fine, too. Say, do you think Lisa and Stropp are bangin’ in the afterlife? If so, can I be the one to tell Les? How do ghosts do it, anyway? I feel like there should be an orgasm/ectoplasm joke in there somewhere, but I’m too lazy. I may have spent too much time thinking about this.” –The Might Untrained FOOZLE

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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  • And if you haven’t bought my novel yet, you should! You can get it in hardback, paperback, or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

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