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Hello, joke-enjoying humans! Would you like to see me and many other funny people tell jokes about the Internet one week from today, as is our wont? Well come to the Clubhouse in Los Feliz, Los Angeles, California, and all your needs will be met!

Your needs for a funny COTW, however, will be met right now:

Dick Tracy gently eases readers into its world with the Crimestoppers Textbook. ‘Never trust anyone! Never let your guard down for a second! There are criminals everywhere, just waiting to prey on you! Okay, now here’s our hero gunning down some guy we don’t care about in a dump. Enjoy!’” –Joe Blevins

Also? Your runners up? They’re funny too:

This is inappropriate for Easter. People were happy when Jesus returned from the dead.” –nescio

“So Bonnie Tracy gets asked out to a nice restaurant by a successful sportswriter, and Dick shoots him dead, halfway through their first date. ‘Oh Dad — again???’, sighs Bonnie, as she stares wistfully at the pack of condoms that she has kept in her purse since 2003, and that she knows she will never, ever get a chance to use.” –seismic-2

“Anyone who’s been to Hoboken in the past quarter century knows that its high rents and well-to-do young professionals have transformed it from its former image as a rough, unglamorous, working-class town. Using that stereotype of Hoboken already stopped making sense by 1990. The fact that the strip got this wrong is the most Pluggers thing about it.” –Larry McAwful

“…and I mean a really lousy shot! Did you see yesterday’s comic? We were less than ten feet apart and not moving! I know some people criticize us for being too blasé about the deaths of our fellow human beings, but when you see ineptitude like this, does the guy even really qualify as human?” –JJ48

“Thank you, narration box! ‘A quiet afternoon at the Morgans’’ is the summary we all needed of the snoozefest that Rex Morgan, M.D. has become.” –pastordan

“Just realized Free Comic Book Day isn’t until May 4 this year, so we have another full 2 weeks of FCD jokes to come. Looking forward to the next mini arc where Atomik Komix realize they’re getting too many Starbuck Jones returns, so they hastily staple new covers on the old issues, add in a 4 page sponsored story where Starbuck Jones says ‘The only thing faster than my jetboots is your weekly fresh meal kit delivery from Blue Apron!’, and unleash their deeply disappointing free comic on an unsuspecting public.” –Schroduck

“The central angel’s puckered mouth is unsettling. Everything else around it is drawn with the same loose carelessness we’ve come to expect from Six Chix, but that mouth is a perfect, circular void of emptiness.” –TheDiva

“It’s very hard to imagine how anyone draws that picture of a balding, goateed, overdressed man with his hands clasped together and thinks, ‘this is my story’s main protagonist’ instead of ‘this is the stuffed shirt character who accidentally gets a bucket of something disgusting dumped on him for quick, cheap laughs.’” –Dan

“What’s really sad are the presents. Sure, this is Heaven and your every desire will come true instantaneously, but because we know how ridiculously insecure and in need of constant reassurance you are we’ve conjured a mountain of ‘gifts’ that hold no intrinsic value whatsoever. No, excuse me while I water ski on the back of a shark in a river of pure, molten gold in a human pyramid including perfect facsimiles of every girl I’ve ever had a crush on. Enjoy your brightly wrapped boxes of knickknacks and gaming systems your parents refused to buy you when they were still new.” –WLP

“It looks like sunbeam has indeed been taking vitamins. Specifically, draining them from Trixie’s increasingly exhausted and unhealthy father.” –jroggs

“Comic strips remember a simpler time, when bullying and making people cry were done in person and in the open, not on Twitter! Also, it involved older kids at worst, not thirty-year-old influencers promoting their paid newsletter.” –Ettorre

This is the date Estelle will remember as the day she made the choice to go all-in for love, which resulted in her losing her retirement savings and living the rest of her life in her grand-niece’s basement. It’s also the date Mary will always remember as the day she found those deck shoes that go so well with her favorite scarf on Zappos.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I like how it looks as though Mary’s phone isn’t even on, just a prop she uses when she wants to give her musings a bit more weight. ‘Oooh, and look here, this article says that pastel purple is the hottest thing in fashion right now! Isn’t that interesting?” –pugfuggly

“Just wanted to say I am totally here for the apathetic Narration Box. ‘Just got a back massage. Or whatever. They could have said this out loud, but then I wouldn’t get paid. Speaking of, it’s time for my smoke break. Narration Box OUT!’” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

My name is Martina, and I am good old all-American molodezh’, I mean youngster, da. I am enjoy fine town of … of … not Sverdlovsk, nyet, fine town we are in here now! I am in America to run and skip and jump like frivolous child, not karlik assigned to sleeper cell, nyet! So, do any of your papas work in defense or intelligence?” –Voshkod

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