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Hello y’all! It’s the first Friday of the month and that means if you are in or near Los Angeles, you should be coming to The Internet Read Aloud, live on stage at the Clubhouse, at 1607 N. Vermont! I am hosting and our comics include newcomer Jeena Bloom, show fav Patrick Susmilch, and superstar Laser of the Doubleclicks! Don’t miss it, man! What else are you doing on a Friday night? Nothing cool, I bet!

You know what is cool, though? This week’s comment of the week.

“White rice with hamburger gravy with a side of roasted carrot? Sounds like something you’d feed a puppy with indigestion, which … [scans Zak’s face] checks out, actually.” –pastordan

Also cool? Those very funny runners up:

“My Mom didn’t want me, after all; it was some other lady calling her son. This neighborhood is lousy with Elmos.” –Pozzo

“With biology having failed to do the job through heart disease or diabetes despite decades of ludicrously terrible diet, it’s up to physics to finally kill Dagwood Bumstead no matter what.” –jroggs

“Iris is limited to the number of guests she can entertain at one time, as she possesses only one square plate, two glasses, a bent olive fork, and a single dining chair. Zak graciously overlooks these things and is content to sit on a stack of phone books, but privately he wishes Iris had supplied a table napkin, as he inexpertly tries to maneuver the ‘white rice with hamburger gravy’ to his mouth.” –Charterstoned

“Say what you want about Count Weirdly’s ethically-questionable methods (and his pathetic alibi), but he’s just a White Hat Hacker trying to do some good in the world. While the Animal Forest does absolutely nothing to stop Brendan Beaver from watching the most filthy and degrading rodent-porn available on the dark web, this internet vigilante has used his mad skills to instead fill the Beaver household with chess wholesomeness. And before you say it, that Octopus asked to be put in a cage, okay?” –Carsick Yankee

“God damn Weirdly, pick a menacing pet and go with it. You think Blofeld shows up for an evil plot with a whole petting zoo on his lap? Maybe that’s why he’s running SPECTRE from a volcano lair, and you’re … what’s your scheme this time? [skims, shakes head]” –Dan

“My Nan used to make this for me … but then I grew teeth and she made me real food.” –Hibbleton

“We got a brief glimpse to a multi-ethnic world of Mary Worth, where people are allowed to refer to their grandmothers with culturally diverse nicknames. Luckily, that portal of madness was immediately closed shut.” –Ettorre

“Judging by those biceps I see that Zak has entered the ‘spends his days working out rather than personally running his business because the VC money he’s already pocketed guarantees he won’t be materially affected by any downturns’ phase of tech overlordship.” –Effluvius Erratus

“If The Phantom was nothing but a wandering, flaming skeleton every single day, readership would skyrocket. It would create a media empire that nothing could stop.” –BeckoningChasm

“I know that the ‘pirate treasure chest’ is just a trope that has little to do with the historical reality of privateering, but I’m tickled that this particular chest seems to contain engagement rings still in the box, as if Blue Beard just raided Tiffany’s.” –pugfuggly

“A distinction should be made between a skeleton that is burning because you have just set it alight with a fireball, and a skeleton that is alight from some internally generated burning and eternal flame of pure hatred fueled, most likely, by natural gas. The menace level posed by the latter would be much more menacing, especially once their carbon footprint is appropriately accounted for.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“‘That why you shaved your head?’ is a shocking piece of dialogue, because it implies the existence of a single reason for one Dick Tracy character to look at another and think, ‘Gee, there’s a funny-lookin’ guy.’” –Vice President John Adams

“Woah, woah, sir, you’re gonna get all emotional about this. Oh wait, you’re Sam Driver. Never mind.” –made of wince

“Zak is really desperate to get out of eating the glop Iris prepared, but he didn’t think his plan through.” –taig

“‘Man bun’ is so culturally … wow. Passe, sarcastic, popular among people who are not, but someday may end up as, the Lockhorns. Tomorrow, Loretta can retaliate when Leroy is off to the post office, asking him if he’ll be using a ‘tramp stamp.’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Loretta is just feeding Leroy human hair for dinner now, such is the depth of her contempt” –SideshowJon

“In a vain attempt to make a happy moment, the Mary Worth team cut off the rest of Iris’s thought: ‘Why hast thou forsaken me?’” –Voshkod

And finally, I must give a shoutout to the faithful reader who posts only as Anonymous who took a look at Zak’s proposal stance and tried to figure out where everyone was in relationship to each other in that panel:

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