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Just as the Mayflower Contract was an important early example of constitutional self-government in the North American British colonies, I have an unwritten compact with you, the reader: to collect the top comments of the week and present them to you on Friday, even on long holiday weekends. And thus, I offer up this week’s funniest for your amusement:

“How do I drive my wife wild? By imagining an ambiguous diner/bar situation where two guys are on opposite sides of a counter, one drinking coffee and the other drinking beer, and they both appear to be customers. It makes her crazy!” –Peanut Gallery

And your runners up are also funny!

“‘Kent has now appropriated for himself, without asking for or receiving anyone’s permission, the largest office in Treetops’ municipal building.’ ‘Great seizer’s ghost!’” –Bob Tice

“I’d think delivery drivers would refuse to service Dagwood’s street, much like taxis won’t go to certain neighborhoods after dark. You just know he can smell a pizza or a box of Chinese food a mile away, and will chase down the car carrying it like the T-1000.” –TheDiva

“The problem with forcing a pun into a strip so you can make the deadline is sometimes you don’t consider the implications it will have in making people think about the very concept of your comic. Look! Up in the sky! Is a bird? Yes.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“While Gil’s body is falling apart and betraying him, it’s Luke’s mind that is collapsing and leaving him powerless. This is a zombie strip literally about decline and slow march into death.” –Ettorre

“Oh, you were inspired to be a barber by the way your Mama carved and served turkey? That’s not heartwarming, the result is Dagwood’s haircut. You need therapy.” –nescio

“Found your problem right here: that’s not a football play on the blackboard, it’s [squints] English-Calculus-Music. Perform an iterative integration after the barred eighth notes, leaving the present participle with the wide receiver, you’ll pick up six yards in the playdowns, guaranteed.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“A damning indictment: Mary would rather relay a message through Dawn instead of talk to Wilbur. Are we sure she didn’t infect herself with an experimental strain of bird flu in order to get out of having to interact with Wilbur at Thanksgiving?” –Dog Balls

“I think one of the bigger problems with the art in Gasoline Alley is how all of the children are much, much more upsetting to look at than the cursed doll, and also appear to be older than the adult cast.” –Tristan Olson

“Toilet Seat Bird is obviously a sadist. Why does he even have a toilet? The time-honored bird method — dropping it off a branch — is so much less complicated.” –MKay

“It isn’t unbelievable that a plugger of that species would want to maul Santa instead of becoming a mall Santa.” –Nobody

“Look at those towering evergreens behind Dr. Jeff! This episode of Mary Worth was shot in Vancouver for the tax incentives.” –Lomo

“Actually, the box of powdered pumpkin soup mix has a Post-It that says ‘Get Well Soon Toby & Ian,’ to which was added with a ball point pen ‘+ Jeff.’ But if Mary finds that comforting, who are we to judge?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Ditto’s banal comment convinces Trixie and — let’s face it — Chip that the Flagstons are eating a beloved Sesame Street character. Luckily, everyone is cool with it.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Those guys look more like suburban hipsters than the local neighborhood thugs. ‘Hey Mister! We’re starting a new wave ska band! Can your dog play bass?’” –Lawyerbob

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