Metapost: Progressing pilgrims at the COTW
Post Content
Just as the Mayflower Contract was an important early example of constitutional self-government in the North American British colonies, I have an unwritten compact with you, the reader: to collect the top comments of the week and present them to you on Friday, even on long holiday weekends. And thus, I offer up this week’s funniest for your amusement:
“How do I drive my wife wild? By imagining an ambiguous diner/bar situation where two guys are on opposite sides of a counter, one drinking coffee and the other drinking beer, and they both appear to be customers. It makes her crazy!” –Peanut Gallery
And your runners up are also funny!
“‘Kent has now appropriated for himself, without asking for or receiving anyone’s permission, the largest office in Treetops’ municipal building.’ ‘Great seizer’s ghost!’” –Bob Tice
“I’d think delivery drivers would refuse to service Dagwood’s street, much like taxis won’t go to certain neighborhoods after dark. You just know he can smell a pizza or a box of Chinese food a mile away, and will chase down the car carrying it like the T-1000.” –TheDiva
“The problem with forcing a pun into a strip so you can make the deadline is sometimes you don’t consider the implications it will have in making people think about the very concept of your comic. Look! Up in the sky! Is a bird? Yes.” –Tabby Lavalamp
“While Gil’s body is falling apart and betraying him, it’s Luke’s mind that is collapsing and leaving him powerless. This is a zombie strip literally about decline and slow march into death.” –Ettorre
“Oh, you were inspired to be a barber by the way your Mama carved and served turkey? That’s not heartwarming, the result is Dagwood’s haircut. You need therapy.” –nescio
“Found your problem right here: that’s not a football play on the blackboard, it’s [squints] English-Calculus-Music. Perform an iterative integration after the barred eighth notes, leaving the present participle with the wide receiver, you’ll pick up six yards in the playdowns, guaranteed.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
“A damning indictment: Mary would rather relay a message through Dawn instead of talk to Wilbur. Are we sure she didn’t infect herself with an experimental strain of bird flu in order to get out of having to interact with Wilbur at Thanksgiving?” –Dog Balls
“I think one of the bigger problems with the art in Gasoline Alley is how all of the children are much, much more upsetting to look at than the cursed doll, and also appear to be older than the adult cast.” –Tristan Olson
“Toilet Seat Bird is obviously a sadist. Why does he even have a toilet? The time-honored bird method — dropping it off a branch — is so much less complicated.” –MKay
“It isn’t unbelievable that a plugger of that species would want to maul Santa instead of becoming a mall Santa.” –Nobody
“Look at those towering evergreens behind Dr. Jeff! This episode of Mary Worth was shot in Vancouver for the tax incentives.” –Lomo
“Actually, the box of powdered pumpkin soup mix has a Post-It that says ‘Get Well Soon Toby & Ian,’ to which was added with a ball point pen ‘+ Jeff.’ But if Mary finds that comforting, who are we to judge?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
“Ditto’s banal comment convinces Trixie and — let’s face it — Chip that the Flagstons are eating a beloved Sesame Street character. Luckily, everyone is cool with it.” –Artist formerly known as Ben
“Those guys look more like suburban hipsters than the local neighborhood thugs. ‘Hey Mister! We’re starting a new wave ska band! Can your dog play bass?’” –Lawyerbob
Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!
36 replies to “Metapost: Progressing pilgrims at the COTW”
Gee, thanks, Josh! And happy Black Friday to everyone! I recommend listening to the Steely Dan song; that’s my tradition.
@0 Josh:
Does that mean you’ll come back the Friday after Christmas and post COTWs this year?
Springboard Shadow CsOTW
damnedpraise
November 23rd, 2024 at 7:24 am Reply
Josh: “…while Mary lies on the couch at home, coughing up blood, forgotten and untended.”
——————————————————
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Garrison Skunk
November 23rd, 2024 at 9:31 pm Reply
@Sequitur: Sunday’s Mary Worth if you want it or not.
——————————————————
Mary’s regretting Dr. Jeffy’s insisting on her having a nose installed.
The Rambling Otter
November 27th, 2024 at 6:48 am Reply
@Ettorre: You’re a Plugger if a beard makes you look like one of the less memorable presidents of the late nineteenth century.
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Austin Powers: Oh B. Hayes…
2+2=7
November 28th, 2024 at 11:05 am Reply
@TheDiva: Judge Parker: Faces that just scream “Please, PLEASE let us get through dinner without a violent political argument…”
——————————————————
For this family “a violent political argument” means rival international spy and gang factions trying to kill each other (ok, “screaming shrilly and incoherently at each other”, but still….)
.
.
.
Special Long-form Shadow CsOTW
Schroduck
November 24th, 2024 at 5:48 am Reply
Shoe: Looking forward to seeing how much mileage they can get out of this hilarious “What if someone’s job title was a pop culture name?” schtick.
“In other news, Jim Time has been appointed parish priest.” “So that makes him Father Time!”
“In other news, Prince Kong somehow inherited the British throne.” “So that makes him King Kong!”
“In other news, John Mao was appointed Chairman of the Communist Party of Treetops.” “So that makes him Chairman M-” [a cadre of Red Guards burst in to put an end to this counter-revolutionary wordplay]
Charterstoned
November 24th, 2024 at 7:55 am Reply
The Phantom faces his Songhai adversaries, eyeing them critically. He stands his ground, unafraid, confident in his twin guns and the blunderbuss he has concealed in his purple striped bloomers. The two swarthy men scowl threateningly.
“Nice diaper,” the Phantom says, casually addressing the red-turbaned one on the left.
He receives a nod in return. “I was just going to compliment you on your puffy shorts. The purple looks good on you. But I’m afraid you have them on backwards.”
“Does he? How can you tell?” his companion inquires with interest.
“The skull label should be in the back.” Then, to the man in purple, “Don’t you feel the seam tugging at your junk?”
The Phantom frowns. “You’re right! Maybe I should try turning them around. Hold my blunderbuss a minute, would you?”
Ukranazi Stepan
November 25th, 2024 at 5:08 am Reply
Wary Morth:
I have a vision of world peace,
where all the people –
(Russians, Ukrainians, zionists, Palestinians, both factions of Sudanese, etc etc etc)
– are gathered together on a vasty field
as far as the eye can see
chanting in harmony.
Hark what they chant
“Drop dead Mary! Drop dead Mary!”
as they pump their fists in the air!
Does it not make you wish
that you were standing there?
LTJpezcore1
November 25th, 2024 at 5:38 am Reply
Mary Worth:
OH NO. The look on Toby’s face is very much “Now is my time to SHINE!” It should never be Toby’s time to shine. Never ever. The only person who should be shining less is —
**Wilbur bursts through the wall like Kool-Aid Man**
Edited to ask — Is Toby trying to draw Princess Caroline from BoJack Horseman???
Special Extra Long-form Shadow CsOTW
Little Blue Bicycle
November 24th, 2024 at 10:59 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Mary’s got the Covid
Mary’s got the Covid
Thanksgiving’s come undid
Look where her muffins hid
What did Dr. Jeff do
When he had to kiss you?
They said when Mary was locked down
They found him sneezin’ way up town
But man, he had it comin’, now that Mary’s got the Covid
She ain’t never gonna be the same
Mary’s got the Covid
Mary’s got the Covid
Her sore throat’s just begun
She isn’t having fun
Tell me now it’s untrue
What did the Bum Boat do?
Everybody who was there is coughing with minor pain
They say it’s the Clams Casino but it’s not that all
Mary’s got the Covid and she gave it to them all
Mary’s got the Covid
Mary’s got the Covid
She caught it all from Dawn
She just had to fawn
Mary’s got the Covid
Mary’s got the Covid
Charterstoned
November 25th, 2024 at 6:55 am Reply
Mary Worth: I’m feeling real trepidation at the thought of this year’s traditional Thanksgiving Day “Message of Gratitude” as the residents of Charterstone individually cope with Mary’s illness.
Carlos Alora: Madre de Dios! I sure am grateful for my latex gloves and mask—this makes the third garbage bag of snotty Kleenex since just this morning! Thank God she doesn’t expect me to clean up that vomit…!
Wilbur Weston: I’m really thankful that I have extra jars of mayonnaise on hand! Who needs turkey?
Iris: I’m so happy that we can take the time to hike to Piccadee Falls on Thanksgiving, Zac, instead of sitting around with those people! And dinner will be a breeze—we still have leftover hamburger gravy on rice, with roasted glazed carrots on the side! I’m grateful that you don’t mind finishing it up, instead of having turkey. Third time’s the charm, right?
Estelle: I’m grateful that WE don’t have to cancel our dinner plans at the last minute! I think Ed is hoping to have an emergency at ANIMAL HOSPITAL.
The Maitre d’ at The Bum Boat: Table for one, Dr. Cory? I’m glad to see YOU.
Special Extra Extra Long-form Shadow CsOTW
Charterstoned
November 23rd, 2024 at 7:10 am Reply
Mary Worth: The Case of the Contagious Cook
“Hello, Beautiful!” Paul Drake exclaimed as he came through the inner office door.
Della Street looked up from where she was perched on the corner of Perry Mason’s desk. “Good morning, Paul,” she said, smiling warmly. “Coffee?”
“No, thanks, Della. I’m a little on the…delicate side this morning.”
“Oh?”
“I had leftovers for dinner, and they’re just not sitting right.” Paul sat down on the sofa and sighed. “It looked okay, but I’m afraid my friend Jeff kept them out of the refrigerator a little longer than he should have. My mistake.”
“Shouldn’t you be home, then?” Della inquired solicitously.
“Nah, I’ll be okay. Anyway, Perry needed me to do some work today. Something about a doctor being accused of poisoning patients at Santa Royale Hospital. What’s the story?”
“Oh, that!” Della frowned. “You know, I have an aunt who’s a patient there right now, and I have to admit, I’m a little worried. She seemed to be ready for discharge but had a sudden, unexplained relapse. And she’s not the only one, it seems. The cases are all occurring on a particular wing, but so far, they don’t know the source, or whether it’s a doctor, nurse–who knows, it could even be a candy striper!”
Just then, Perry entered the office and placed his briefcase on the desk. Della started to smile at him, until she saw the serious expression on his face. “What is it, Perry?’
“Della, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. Your aunt….”
Della straightened in alarm. “Aunt Minnie?”
“She died this morning, Della. I’m sorry.” Perry shot a significant glance at Paul. “We’ll have to do some fast work, Paul. Two other patients at Santa Royale also died overnight. From the reported symptoms, it seems they all took an unexpected but similar turn for the worse, even though they were hospitalized for different reasons to begin with. And Lt. Tragg tells me at least four other patients are in the same situation.”
Della, a stricken look on her face, blurted out, “Aunt Minnie is dead? What caused it, Perry?”
“Some sort of splak. We don’t know where it came from, only that it made its way into the hospital. One minute, the patients were seemingly fine, and the next they were doubled over in–”
Della gasped as Paul Drake suddenly collapsed onto the floor, himself gasping out, “The…splak!”
Charterstoned
November 24th, 2024 at 10:00 am Reply
Mary Worth: The Case of the Contagious Cook, cont.
At Santa Royale Hospital, Perry Mason and Della Street waited anxiously in the ER for word on the condition of Paul Drake. After what seemed an interminable wait, they were finally joined by Dr. Jeff Cory. The doctor’s expression was grim.
“Are you family?” he inquired, just as Lt. Tragg entered the waiting room. Tragg blustered his way into the conversation, flashing his badge.
“Official business,” he barked. “What’s Drake’s condition?”
“Well, judging from his symptoms, it seems he’s been exposed to some sort of toxin. Possibly food related, but we won’t know that until we pump his stomach.”
“I’ll want to be there,” Tragg asserted.
Charterstoned
November 27th, 2024 at 10:03 am Reply
Mary Worth: The Case of the Contagious Cook, cont.
At Santa Royale Hospital, the situation continued to deteriorate as residents from in and around the Charterstone Condominium Complex streamed into the emergency room, all complaining of the same symptoms suggestive of food poisoning.
Dr. Jeff Cory sank wearily into an armchair in the ER’s waiting room, and took a deep breath before turning to address Della Street. “Let’s go over it again, Miss Street. Did your Aunt know ANYONE at Charterstone? We’re trying to figure out what the vector is. You can help us!”
“No, Dr. Cory,” Della replied firmly. “To my knowledge, she wasn’t acquainted with anyone who lived there. In fact, the only reason she would have had to be in Santa Royale in the first place was that she was going to check out ANIMAL HOSPITAL for her pet doves. Unfortunately, they escaped as she was taking them in to see the vet, so she didn’t spend long there.”
“Doves, you say? How many were there?” Jeff leaned in, interested.
“If you don’t mind, Doctor,” interrupted Lt. Tragg, “I’LL ask the questions here. Miss Street, how many doves did your Aunt have?”
“Just the one pair, Lieutenant. But they flew off. I don’t see what possible difference it could make–”
“When did this happen?”
“Oh, a couple of weeks ago. The vet never got a chance to see them to tell Aunt Minnie what was wrong with them, because not only did they get away, but the vet wasn’t even there because he was getting married.”
“Wait a minute!” Dr. Jeff exclaimed. “Two doves? What color were they?”
“White, I think. Why?”
“Because I was AT that wedding, and I remember seeing two strange doves flying alongside the ones that live at Charterstone! I remember thinking at the time that perhaps they had rented additional Dove o’ Love for the ceremony. NOW I know wonder…! What is those two doves WERE sick, and they somehow managed to contaminate the food that was served at the wedding reception?” Dr. Jeff paced excitedly about the room. “It’s just POSSIBLE! The avian flu has been going around and these doves would be a perfect vector, especially if they had any contact whatsoever with the wedding party!”
“That’s all well and good,” Lt. Tragg said. “But WHO supplied the other birds for the wedding?”
“I can tell you that, Lieutenant,” said Perry Mason who had been listening intently. “My guess is, Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!”
“Now we’re getting somewhere.” Tragg placed his hat firmly on his head as he got ready to leave. “We’ve had our eye on Sid for some time, now. Not that he’s ever been caught doing anything illegal, mind you. But with the number of animals coming up dead in Santa Royale this past year–!”
“Lieutenant, I think you might be barking up the wrong tree,” Mason observed dryly. “Those animals all died at ANIMAL HOSPITAL, at the hands of the vet who works there. Paul Drake had been shadowing him after we started receiving requests for representation by owners who felt their pets had died…prematurely. He was just finishing up his surveillance when this–” Mason stopped mid-sentence, a frown creasing his forehead and his large eyes opened even wider in consternation.
“What is it, Perry?” Della asked when she saw the expression on his face.
“I’m beginning to think this might be more than just accidental food poisoning, Della. Somebody who knew Paul was investigating wanted him out of the way. We were lucky he was with us when he fell ill, so that he could be brought here to Santa Royale Hospital before it was too late. That somebody might try again.”
Daily Shadow CsOTW
Saturday
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jroggs
November 23rd, 2024 at 4:58 am Reply
Mary Worth: Looks like Mary’s about to have some serious regrets about always rejecting Jeff’s marriage proposals while refusing to explain. “Gee, Mary, I’d love to come help care for your life-threatening illness with my decades of medical experience, but that’s really more of a wife or fiancee thing. I’ll send you a card, though. Good luck!”
Schroduck
November 23rd, 2024 at 5:33 am Reply
Hägar the Horrible: Hägar’s mother-in-law is a witch, right? Just trying to get the lore straight, so I know if her nose is a penis because another witch cursed her, or if that’s something she did to herself for her “me time”.
Sunday
———-
Scratchy Scrotum LXIX
November 24th, 2024 at 4:48 am Reply
Slylock Fox: Slylock seems to be staring into two enormous anuses. Or is it anii?
Ukulele Ike
Second Phantom’s secret weapon: Appear suddenly and your opponents with convulse with helpless laughter at the sight of your pants.
Monday
———–
InvasionOfTheZIM
November 25th, 2024 at 4:39 am Reply
Mary Worth: This plot seems like it might be an homage to the classic Christmas movie “The Year Without a Santa Claus,” and if it is I am here for Wilbur in tights playing Heat Miser.
Jeffmcm
November 25th, 2024 at 1:48 pm Reply
Gil Thorp: I didn’t think this would keep coming up, but the art in “Gil Thorp” looks like how I imagine a stroke feels.
Tuesday
———–
pugfuggly
November 26th, 2024 at 4:49 am Reply
Gasoline Alley: Good lord, would you look at that thumb??! Maybe talk to that haunted doll about extracting that lobster DNA from out of you.
A Grave Mind
November 26th, 2024 at 4:53 am Reply
Gasoline Alley: Gaaaaah! I am forced to conclude Jones’s mother cashed in on the Pregnancy Discount at the liquor store. Frequently.
Wednesday
—————
Scratchy Scrotum LXIX
November 27th, 2024 at 5:24 am Reply
Family Circlejerk: Thel understands. HTT Grandma calls her by even more names: courtesan, slut, floozy, slattern, concubine, hussy, tramp, whore, strumpet . . .
Tonio
November 27th, 2024 at 5:39 am Reply
Plugger men don’t have hair that luxurious. Like me, they have bald spots that reflect so much sunlight that they’re a hazard to air traffic.
Thursday
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Bob Tice
November 28th, 2024 at 4:28 am Reply
Mary Worth: “…and Jeff sent Pumpkin Soup! There she is now! — but where are her bandmates Scary Soup, Sporty Soup, Baby Soup, Ginger Soup and Posh Soup?”
Stacker
November 28th, 2024 at 7:09 am Reply
Mary Worth: Seems knocking on Mary’s door is akin to knocking on the queen’s bedchamber. You better had been summoned or it’s the tower for you.
Friday
——–
BeckoningChasm
November 29th, 2024 at 5:31 am Reply
Family Circus: “Since he won’t be needing it anymore, can I have Daddy’s gun now? It still has five bullets in it.”
The Quiet Man
November 29th, 2024 at 6:30 am Reply
Rex Morgan: ‘This is Shorty and Beanpole turf, mister! You ready to laugh your socks off at some of the finest talent vaudeville has to offer?’
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Shadow COTW
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Old Man Shadow
November 27th, 2024 at 8:07 am Reply
Mary Worth: Dr. Jeff has gotten this phone call from Mary many, many times before. She was tired of him already. He had already left the comic strip and was passing through Mark Trail’s comic before she explained that she was just sick this time and he could stick around.
Congratulations to P. G. and the Floaters (esp. newcomer Dog Balls, which made the list of my favorite nom de snarks) and the Shadowers (Thanks, Baja) and the Scroters, which special recognition to The Diva for her dominance in the Special Scrotal Award. And in keeping with my compact:
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
BigTed
November 23rd, 2024 at 4:40 am Reply
Mary Worth: Ha, Dr. Jeff encounters every disease known to man (or, at least, known to sunny Southern California beach towns) all day long at work. Who’d have thought it would be that chaste half-kiss with his elderly girlfriend that would leave him down for the count from now through New Year’s? Forget “wearing protection” on dates — from now on, he should be masking up!
Bob Tice
November 23rd, 2024 at 4:31 am Reply
MW:
“While it’s fresh on my mind, I want to write a limerick about the romantic ‘encounter’ I just had with Jeff:
“The guy was obsessed with the chase
He tried hard to pick up the pace
But I showed that clown
By shutting him down:
He barely arrived at first base!”
Charterstoned
November 23rd, 2024 at 4:40 am Reply
MW: I think Poteet called this. But hey, she just spent a whole evening with Dr. Jeff, serving him *food* that she had prepared with her own germ-laden hands, and leaning in to an intimate conversation about her shortcut cooking methods. He’s definitely been exposed to whatever nasty thing Mary has contracted. Even now, he could be spreading whatever it is to all the patients in his clinic, and those at Santa Royale Hospital….
jroggs
November 23rd, 2024 at 4:58 am Reply
MW: Looks like Mary’s about to have some serious regrets about always rejecting Jeff’s marriage proposals while refusing to explain. “Gee, Mary, I’d love to come help care for your life-threatening illness with my decades of medical experience, but that’s really more of a wife or fiancee thing. I’ll send you a card, though. Good luck!”
Scott Christian Simmons
November 23rd, 2024 at 5:44 am Reply
Why am I not surprised to see Mary using a cookbook from the 1930’s? “Oh, good, my silphium and garum stocks are still in good shape. Those would have been a lot harder to replenish than pearl onions.”
Liam
November 23rd, 2024 at 5:52 am Reply
MW-“I can’t get sick. I’m the Mary Worth. I make others sick.”
Professor Well Actually
November 23rd, 2024 at 5:55 am Reply
MW: here’s hoping the entire Ed and Estelle wedding party is sick.
damnedpraise
November 23rd, 2024 at 7:24 am Reply
[Josh:] while Mary lies on the couch at home, coughing up blood, forgotten and untended.
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Cleveland Mocks
November 23rd, 2024 at 5:19 am Reply
MW: Meanwhile, Jeff, Ed, Estelle, Wilbur, Dawn, Saul, Eve, Sheila See, and Tim Walz all come down with the same symptoms. With seven of them filling up the ICU, and the others are placed in the isolation ward. Shortly thereafter, Priceco announces a recall of their signature trays.
Maltmash3r
November 23rd, 2024 at 6:51 am Reply
MW- hopefully something that Jeff brought back from his many trips to Vietnam so it’ll be hard to diagnose.
But the whole scenario is just an ad for Priceco, as they have “Full Thanksgiving dinners at reasonable prices”
I speak Jive
November 23rd, 2024 at 10:28 am Reply
Mary Worth – I don’t think she has COVID, because she would have to isolate. She has to be among the guests so they can praise her. This will be a first – the others will do the cooking, but Mary will get all the praise. “This rotisserie chicken just isn’t as good as your rotisserie chicken, Mary.” “I’m so disappointed! I was looking forward to your muffin casserole.” “I would have seconds on this Splak if Mary made it.”
some guy
November 23rd, 2024 at 10:22 am Reply
MW – definitely Kennel Cough
Hibbleton
November 23rd, 2024 at 4:48 am Reply
MW: Moy approaches Dawn with a proposal to knock off Mary and have her take over the strip to appeal to a younger audience. “Okay.” She replies. “As long as I don’t have to fuck Dr. Jeff.”
FC: Jeffy still manages a knot in his velcro.
The Quiet Man
November 23rd, 2024 at 4:44 am Reply
Luann: Oh boy! Kip’s heretofore unknown twin brother is here to get tangled up in WACKY shenaniganz when he shows up for a Thanksgiving dinner and ends up in a tug of war between dullard Luann (let me show you my disgusting room!) and Bernice in ‘spontaneous muse’ mode! Maybe TifStefBetsDez can show up and have a catfight!
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Schroduck
November 23rd, 2024 at 5:33 am Reply
Hagar’s mother-in-law is a witch, right? Just trying to get the lore straight, so I know if her nose is a penis because another witch cursed her, or if that’s something she did to herself for her “me time”.
Horace Broon
November 23rd, 2024 at 6:03 am Reply
Pluggers: I had to check that this wasn’t the same contributor as yesterday, but nope. Both called Mike, though. If you know a Plugger named Mike, probably best to put a lock on your tool box.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
UncleJeffers
November 23rd, 2024 at 8:33 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: The Wilson’s need to follow all the hottest sex trends just to make certain that nothing they do themselves is in any way similar. Martha is reassuring George that absolutely nobody will ever mistake their bedroom activities as being “all the rage”
ValdVin
November 23rd, 2024 at 9:03 am Reply
GT: If Coach didn’t see the trick play of
tackle-eligible triple-reverse fleaflicker hook and lateral“throw to an eligible receiver wearing a number from 1-49 or 80-89” coming I don’t know how he advanced from Pop Warner.Guillermo el chiclero
November 23rd, 2024 at 9:15 am Reply
GT: They haven’t made cars with front seats that wide since the 70s.
Liam
November 24th, 2024 at 4:36 am Reply
FC-Just like in bed this is one task Mommy will have to do by herself.
taig
November 24th, 2024 at 7:31 am Reply
FC: This one is on Thel. She should know not to rely on the dumbest melonhead in the household. She would have been better off telling PJ. Or Barfy. Maybe not Kittycat, because cats can be obstinate assholes.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Hibbleton
November 24th, 2024 at 4:38 am Reply
MW: Dr Jeff contemplates; “Ingested ricin isn’t typically fatal so when I nurse her back to health maybe she’ll realize she shouldn’t be living on her own. Although at her age it is a bit risky. Hmm, kind of a win/win. (checks NFL.C0M). Who’s playing today?”
Cleveland Mocks
November 24th, 2024 at 5:52 am Reply
MW: Thanksgiving Day comes and goes, and Mary’s been dead for two days. No one has bothered to call or stop by to check on her all week until Mr. Allora begins to smell something funny. And so it ends.
Jay Fawley
November 24th, 2024 at 6:00 am Reply
MW: Surf and turf buffet at the Bum Boat. Problem solved.
astroboy
November 24th, 2024 at 5:55 am Reply
MW – A better John C. Mather quote: “Even your chin is made up of exploded stars.”
It makes more sense after a big dose of Nyquil.
Charterstoned
November 24th, 2024 at 6:33 am Reply
MW: This quote makes just about as much sense.
I have several computer companies. One of them I have a program for wide-format printing. I have a beauty program. So I have several different programs that I own for printing.
Jerry Mathers
TheDiva
November 24th, 2024 at 6:43 am Reply
Pluggers hate their spouses.
Arabella
November 24th, 2024 at 7:21 am Reply
Pluggers: This sounds suspiciously like a re-purposed “They’ll do it every time.”
Ukulele Ike
November 24th, 2024 at 10:21 am Reply
SFx: I’m likin’ the MILF in the six differences brain puzzler, yes indeedy.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
BigTed
November 24th, 2024 at 10:29 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: Beetle is too physically lazy to play an easy game of catch, but then he’ll sprint a mile to avoid it? That’s what I call commitment to the bit.
Ken
November 25th, 2024 at 4:43 am Reply
MW: I’m expecting this to continue on Tuesday and Wednesday with more phone calls — maybe even a montage, if such a thing can be pulled off in three panels — where all Mary’s Charterstone friends give Toby-like answers of minimal sympathy and no offer to host Thanksgiving.
Then the punchline will be Thursday, when (not having told one another their plans) they all show up at Mary’s, each with a 20-pound turkey and all the side dishes. Except Wilbur, who has two freshly-microwaved Hungry Guy turkey dinners.
Ettorre
November 25th, 2024 at 4:50 am Reply
“Ian, Mary is not preparing the Thanksgiving dinner this year!”
“Good, with my colleagues we often discuss how Thanksgiving is an imperialistic celebration of settler colonialism!”
“… you don’t want to prepare the Thanksgiving dinner yourself, do you?”
“Hell no!”
“And you don’t want me to do it?”
“You have neither the ability nor the will”
“Fair enough”
Joe Momma
November 25th, 2024 at 5:10 am Reply
MW: Wait, isn’t Jeff (her perennial beau as Wikipedia calls him) a doctor? Why isn’t she calling him up to ask for really good drugs—at least a chest x-ray? Pneumonia is no laughing matter among the aged, and he could at least get a peak at what’s under her blouse even if it is a black and white study of rib cage and a lung filling with purulent pus. You know, he just may find that a bit, ahem, titillating.
Charterstoned
November 25th, 2024 at 5:42 am Reply
@Joe Momma: I think you meant “peek”—women Mary’s age don’t have “peaks” anymore. Just sagging blobs.
Maltmash3r
November 25th, 2024 at 6:15 am Reply
MW- Even at death’s door, she can’t help but remind Toby that she makes homade chicken soup.
I’m guessing that during Thanksgiving, that’s how she introduces each dish.
No wonder everyone is thrilled that it’s cancelled.
Cleveland Mocks
November 25th, 2024 at 6:24 am Reply
MW: Fifteen years in art school and now Toby is able to trace a cat. She’s so proud of herself that she’s going to submit it to Slylock Fox’ “Your Drawing” feature.
Little Blue Bicycle
November 25th, 2024 at 6:35 am Reply
MW/ Toby’s latest art involves displaying pages from toddler’s coloring books. She’s hoping for a grant.
Poteet
November 25th, 2024 at 11:09 am Reply
MW: I would have liked to see Mary test for covid and use the test results in her thinking. But I’d also like to see Toby drawing a cat that doesn’t look like it has serious mental problems. Life is brutal.
MKay
November 25th, 2024 at 4:55 am Reply
MW: Wow, I’m pretty low on the Nuturing Woman Scale, but even I would’ve managed to scrape together some packaged chicken noodle for the old girl.
RMMD: “I didn’t understand the word ‘walk’ until it was uttered by someone who’s been to med school. Also, he’s a man, and you’re just my silly wife.”
The Quiet Man
November 25th, 2024 at 5:32 am Reply
RMMD: Boy, Lana Lang really hit the skids after Superboy left Smallville…
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
November 25th, 2024 at 5:28 am Reply
Gil Thorp: Found your problem right here: that’s not a football play on the blackboard, it’s [squints] English-Calculus-Music. Perform an iterative integration after the barred eighth notes, leaving the present participle with the wide receiver, you’ll pick up six yards in the playdowns, guaranteed.
LIam
November 25th, 2024 at 5:33 am Reply
Gil Thorp-Finally artwork that matches the writing.
taig
November 25th, 2024 at 6:51 am Reply
GT: I always feel like I’m hallucinating when I read an installment of this strip. It’s nice to know the characters are experiencing the same thing.
Banana Jr. 6000
November 25th, 2024 at 7:32 am Reply
GT: So there’s a new character with no football knowledge? Didn’t this strip have enough already?
Weaselboy
November 25th, 2024 at 6:11 am Reply
GT – If you answer a question with “no?!”, it means you’re not really sure, even with the exclamation point.
I speak Jive
November 25th, 2024 at 8:41 am Reply
Pluggers – The latest thing is businesses who put Christmas lights up for you. I’ve seen signs and a billboard advertising the service, and we got a postcard from one.
Pluggers aren’t going to spend money for that when they can get out their rickety step ladder and risk a spinal or head injury.
jroggs
November 26th, 2024 at 4:42 am Reply
RMMD: “You want to put a treadmill in my beautifully decorated living room!?! But I worked so hard to cultivate this piss-yellow monochromatic aesthetic with accents of looming dread!!!”
Arabella
November 26th, 2024 at 7:25 am Reply
RMMD: I can believe that Lana would have a “beautifully decorated living room” complete with clear plastic seat covers. But she would NOT have the TV in there. That would be in a small den area with matching recliners, convenient to the kitchen.
Old School Allie Cat
November 26th, 2024 at 9:23 am Reply
Rex Morgan – I totally relate to Mrs. Take-A-Walk. My company closed our local office and I’m now fully remote. My office is my former dining room. I *love* that I can fire someone in the same place I used to throw dinner parties for favorite people.
Extroverts do not make great WFH employees.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
November 26th, 2024 at 5:02 am Reply
“Why, Mary Worth! What a coincidence! My date and I were just stepping into a movie about you!”
MKay
November 26th, 2024 at 4:46 am Reply
MW: Upon hearing the news, Wilbur gathers his hunting gear to bag Thanksgiving dinner. After all, it’s wabbit season.
Dog Balls
November 26th, 2024 at 4:37 am Reply
A damning indictment; Mary would rather relay a message through Dawn instead of talk to Wilbur. Are we sure she didn’t infect herself with an experimental strain of bird flu in order to get out of having to interact with Wilbur at Thanksgiving?
Ettorre
November 26th, 2024 at 5:16 am Reply
Mary has been Wilbur’s most devoted enabler, but when she’s sick and weak, not even her wants to speak with him directly!
Dave in Pittsburgh
November 26th, 2024 at 5:03 am Reply
Mary Worth would be vastly improved if Mary’s speech balloon in panel two emanated from the witch silhouette on the poster instead of Dawn’s phone. That poster, by the way, is not from Wicked. Dawn and pal have just seen a cheap knock-off at the local discount theater. That’s why they so look so satisfied: It’s the best three dollars those girls have ever spent.
astroboy
November 26th, 2024 at 5:11 am Reply
MW – To be fair, Dawn shows all the interest that a real-life college student would exhibit when a girls night out at the movies is interrupted by a meddlesome elderly neighbor calling her to complain about her health.
Myrtle
November 26th, 2024 at 7:10 am Reply
MW: This week on “Celebrities Without Makeup!” — Mary Worth as you’ve never seen her! We snuck inside her Charterstone condo for these candid shots! Yes, she’s still wearing her wig… it’s been surgically implanted to her head.
Trina
November 26th, 2024 at 11:41 am Reply
MW: ugh We all know what’s going to happen here. Mary thinks all her friends/neighbors/etc. (by which I mean Jeff) don’t care about *her* but only about her cooking. They’ll all secretly team up, Hallmark-movie-style, to cook a Thanksgiving dinner and bring it to her. Then, when they walk in to surprise her, they’ll find her dead on her couch of the plague. Hilarity ensues!
Inspector Gotcha
November 26th, 2024 at 4:47 pm Reply
MW: “Never mind that, Mary. The main thing is for you to take care of yourself and get some rest! Thanks for the call. Talk to you next November.”
TheDiva
November 26th, 2024 at 7:14 am Reply
MW: Having seen Wicked (aka Wicked: Part One, aka Elphaba Begins, aka Into the Oziverse), I can only assume Dawn and/or Dawn’s Nameless Friend Who We’ve Never Seen Before And Never Will Again is about to have a sapphic awakening somewhere between “What is This Feeling?” and “Popular.”
Rita Lake
November 26th, 2024 at 7:15 am Reply
MW: That woman next to Dawn is dressed just like Luann. I guess that’s how you know they live in southern California.
Baja Gaijin
November 26th, 2024 at 4:49 am Reply
Family Circus: Alternate caption: Jeffy’s angry because he found out his IQ is lower than most turnips.
taig
November 26th, 2024 at 5:54 am Reply
FC: A real turkey got prioritized over the melonheaded turkey.
McManx
November 26th, 2024 at 5:18 am Reply
Pluggers – Oh no. I hope this isn’t the lead-in to a series of automobile-themed Plugger hygiene captions, such as “When a plugger leaves skid marks, it’s time to change his underwear.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Cleveland Mocks
November 26th, 2024 at 6:20 am Reply
CS: “Because Lee has a package and Peggy doesn’t. Sheesh, don’t they teach you kids anything in health class?”
I speak Jive
November 26th, 2024 at 8:32 am Reply
Crankshaft – If the cats really want to mess with her, they could steal some of her mail and ruin her life.
Artist formerly known as Ben
November 26th, 2024 at 1:09 pm Reply
C-Shaft: It’s funny because the twins used to do the same thing, until they found that messing with a dullard is a fleeting joy.
Charterstoned
November 27th, 2024 at 4:46 am Reply
MW: Mary may be under the weather, but she’s apparently not too sick to practice her cock-teasing skills on Jeff by calling him “Darling” in the same breath as she tells him “DON’T come over tonight.”
Terence O’Brien
November 27th, 2024 at 7:38 am Reply
Sheesh, you’d think Karen Moy of all people would know better than to bring back Ah-Choo, Mary Worth’s Asian manservant in 1954 that was so racially offensive even segregationist newspapers threatened to drop the strip.
Lauralot
November 27th, 2024 at 5:07 am Reply
MW: If this leads into an It’s A Wonderful Life dream sequence in which Mary learns that all of Charterstone would be far better off without her, and then the strip ends forever, it would go down in history as the greatest newspaper comic of all time.
jvwalt
November 27th, 2024 at 5:40 am Reply
MW: “When Mary Calls Jeff” world’s worst rom-com
Lomo
November 27th, 2024 at 6:27 am Reply
Look at those towering evergreens behind Dr. Jeff! This episode of Mary Worth was shot in Vancouver for the tax incentives.
pugfuggly
November 27th, 2024 at 5:53 am Reply
MW: Mary does think of others but, as usual, she thinks of Dr Jeff last. Maybe that’s because when she’s thinking of those others, she’s really thinking about how she can fix their problems, and Dr Jeff’s problem seems to be that he’s in a one-sided long-term relationship with someone who keeps him around mainly to gloat about her other successful interventions.
Quiggle
November 27th, 2024 at 7:18 am Reply
MW: Please let this end in a “Murder on the Orient Express” style subplot where the Charterstone residents enjoy their first Mary-free Thanksgiving in years and reveal that they had conspired to get her sick in advance…
Hibbleton
November 27th, 2024 at 7:11 am Reply
FC: In between swigs of Jim Beam, Grandma says; “Hey, Thel. Can’t you get these kids labels or tattoos with their names on them?”
Thel replies under her breath; “As if you can read.”
I speak Jive
November 27th, 2024 at 8:13 am Reply
FC – Holier than thou Grandma went through the other kids’ names, Sam, Barfy, and Kittycat before she remembered Jeffy.
Bil/Jef missed the mark on this one. When kids are misbehaving, adults know exactly who they are and call them by their first, middle, and last names.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Charterstoned
November 28th, 2024 at 4:36 am Reply
MW: There goes my bet in the dead pool.
BigTed
November 28th, 2024 at 5:28 am Reply
Mary Worth: Whelp, looks like Mary’s friends went to the minimum possible amount of trouble, and stopped by the local Chinese takeout to get some nice braised tofu and two big servings of rice for her to enjoy for Thanksgiving dinner. Meanwhile, Dr. Jeff picked her up a box of pumpkin soup from Trader Joe’s while he was choosing the right champagne to enjoy with a couple of nurses on his big, fast boat. A happy holiday for all, indeed!
Cleveland Mocks
November 28th, 2024 at 7:55 am Reply
MW: So everybody kicked in five bucks and a coupon and ordered what was left of Priceco’s everything-must-go close-out sale. Hope Mary likes hot dogs and beans.
MKay
November 28th, 2024 at 4:51 am Reply
MW: Ah, the time-honored “Ring the Bell and Run Like Hell” Thanksgiving ritual.
H&L: Please, Hi, there are children present! Keep your ribald euphemisms to yourself!
Schroduck
November 28th, 2024 at 4:50 am Reply
H&L: Luckily the rest of Hi’s family aren’t familiar with 50s gay slang, so they don’t know what “Gobbling a pilgrim sandwich means” or why Hi is going to sneak out of the house with three buckle hats later.
Ettorre
November 28th, 2024 at 4:50 am Reply
Meanwhile, Thirsty and Irma next door are trying a liquid Thanksgiving dinner. It’s much quicker to prepare and if they pass out they cannot quarrel!
Blackdrazon
November 28th, 2024 at 5:45 am Reply
H&L:
Hi waited until the family was gathered around the table, until Lois had laid all the food out, the gravy steaming, and Lois enters with the pièce de résistance, a prize turkey with all the fixings. The perfect Thanksgiving dinner, created by Lois after backbreaking hours of work. Hi leaned back in his chair. “Boy, I can’t wait until I’m eating something else.” Leroy Lockhorn has nothing on this man.
Tabby Lavalamp
November 28th, 2024 at 6:00 am Reply
I’m not American but today I’m thankful that Ditto noted that it’s a big bird because after the look on Hi’s face at the thought of cannibalism, I can believe that the beloved Muppets of Sesame Street are not off the menu.
Pozzo
November 28th, 2024 at 5:10 am Reply
Evidently the uber-carnivore Hi is responsible for the lack of vegetables. “The only green at this table will be my shirt-and-sweater set!”
Happy Thanksgiving, one and all!
Herr Pi
November 28th, 2024 at 4:56 am Reply
FC: HTT Grandma has a jizz towel.
Weaselboy
November 28th, 2024 at 5:40 am Reply
FC – “Me too, Billy. Me too…oh, you said Granddad. I thought you said Old Grand-Dad..”
Hibbleton
November 28th, 2024 at 5:40 am Reply
FC: Pretty cute. PJ points at ghost grandpa and thinks; “He’s right there you idiot!”
Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
November 28th, 2024 at 7:06 am Reply
Family Circus: Who’s that kid who’s blowing a stalk of celery?
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
brendancalling
November 28th, 2024 at 5:57 am Reply
Crankshaft: Shitty old man ruins another holiday.
I speak Jive
November 28th, 2024 at 9:01 am Reply
Crankshaft – He’ll skip the grill and go right for the flamethrower.
Rex Morgan – Okay, who challenged Terry Beatty to create a new couple who are more boring, ugly, and repellent than Truck/Wanda, Buck/his wife whose name I don’t remember, and Tildy/the wrestler?
Hibbleton
November 29th, 2024 at 4:55 am Reply
B. Bailey: A third panel showing Halftrack’s head with a smashed mailbox stuck on it would be funny but whatever.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Liam
November 29th, 2024 at 4:36 am Reply
FC-“You should probably turn Daddy over if you don’t want him to choke on his vomit.”
BeckoningChasm
November 29th, 2024 at 5:31 am Reply
Family Circus: “Since he won’t be needing it anymore, can I have Daddy’s gun now? It still has five bullets in it.”
jroggs
November 29th, 2024 at 4:45 am Reply
RMMD: It took almost two weeks, but we’ve finally reached what should have been the story’s starting point. Well, hopefully. It’s entirely possible these two phrenology case studies just want directions to the nearest breakfast-all-day diner.
pugfuggly
November 29th, 2024 at 4:48 am Reply
RMMD No-one is more shocked when something happens in this strip than the characters themselves. And yes, some kid saying “Hey Mister!” counts as a major plot development.
ectojazzmage
November 29th, 2024 at 6:27 am Reply
Rex Morgan: The notoriously deadly and cutthroat streets of fenced upper-class white suburbia are about to claim yet another victim.
The Quiet Man
November 29th, 2024 at 6:30 am Reply
RMMD: ‘This is Shorty and Beanpole turf, mister! You ready to laugh your socks off at some of the finest talent vaudeville has to offer?’
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. Maude R. Fawker
November 23rd, 2024 at 9:07 am Reply
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Luann’s getting moist by meeting Phil McCracken.
Mrs. Horney is thinking less of Luann’s empty slate and more along the lines of getting Luann’s empty slot Philled.
69. Hibbleton
November 25th, 2024 at 6:41 am Reply
RMMD:
“He told me to get out and walk…but I think he was making a crack about my freakishly long forearms.”
“Why do you think that?”
“He said to wear gloves to protect my knuckles.”
69. Old School Allie Cat
November 26th, 2024 at 6:44 am Reply
Usually it’s the doll whose vacant, vapid gaze I find creepy. In Gasoline Alley today it’s Jones, the poor man’s Beaver Cleaver that gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. TheDiva
November 27th, 2024 at 7:10 am Reply
MW: “Oh Jeff, don’t say that! I’ve been tired of you for a long, long time now.”
Pluggers: On one hand, most of the Santas-for-hire I see around these days use their natural facial hair. On the other, the shopping mall is perhaps the only institution more decrepit than print journalism, and probably have to make do with whoever is willing to sit on a decrepit armchair smelling faintly of stale urine under a crumbling “workshop” pavilion waiting for the occasional straggling customer while the elf who sells photos texts her boyfriend.
69. TheDiva
November 28th, 2024 at 8:04 am Reply
GT: Norman Rockwell’s Freedom from Coherent Character Design
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. TheDiva
November 29th, 2024 at 8:17 am Reply
RMMD: See, this is why Nextdoor is so important! If Merle had been alerted that there were “teenagers acting suspiciously” (ie. just kind of hanging around being teenagers) in his neighborhood, this never would have happened!
Thanks, Josh and Scratchy!
Thank you Josh and Scratchy
Conrats to Peanut Gallery and everyone the float, the shadowfloaters and my fellow scratchies! Broon Croons to TheDiva, Charterstoned, Little Blue Bicycle, and The Quiet Man!
@seismic-2 yythread: How common (or uncommon) is the custom of dining on January 1 ham? Do other countries have any special New Year’s meal? In particular, since New Year is such a big holiday in Scotland, do they celebrate with a haggis?
In my experience, the traditional Ne’er’s Day meal is supposed to be steak pie, with tatties and peas. But far more important is the whisky, and black bun (a fruitcake wrapped in pastry, traditionally carried by first-footers on Hogmanay).
Although in the Broon household we rarely had black bun, because Grandmaw Broon always used to make absurdly large Christmas cakes and send them to all her children’s families, so another fruitcake — without even any marzipan — wasn’t exactly a priority.
(FWIW, fruitcake doesn’t have the same connentations in Scotland as it does in the US. In fact, we like fruitcake so much, we’ll even eat it when it’s not Yuletide, under the name Dundee cake.)
Congratulations to Peanut Gallery and the floaters and thanks, Scratchy!
Congrats, Peanut Gallery! Thanks for the mentions, Baja and Scratchy–and I also appreciate the Broon Croon, Horace!
Thank you
Thank you, Baja and Scratchy!
Thanks, Scratchy.
Congrats to all and thank you Josh, Baja and Scratchy!
Thanks for the mention, Baja!
Thanks to Josh and congrats to the other charming folks on the float. Congrats, as well, to the shadow-ies and scratchies (thx for the mention.) Tips of the beret to TheDiva, Tabby Lavalamp, and Lawyerbob.
Thank you, Scratchy, for the mentions and for all you do for us every week. Very much appreciated and enjoyed.
Also, a Judge Alan Parker-sized toast to Peanut Gallery for Josh’s COTW and to Old Man Shadow for, uh, Baja’s Shadow COTW.
Finally, I’d like to present another Weektime Achievement Award to Charterstoned for the Perry Mason parodies. Jeez, I love those!
Thanks, Baja and Scratchy!
Congratulations to Peanut Gallery and all the other above-recognized funny people! And thank you, Scratchy, for making me one of them.
Having just checked a few comments one more time, I wish to clarify that I have never “spent a whole evening with Doctor Jeff” and have never “served food” to him at all, let alone with “germ-laden hands.” There was no “intimate conversation” with him, either. Yes, I have him in the Dead Pool, but honest, I’m not that kind of girl.
Thanks to our host, and Baja, and I appreciate the nod from Scratchy.
@Poteet: Well, on reflection, I think that “mischaracterization” could be either the result of an unintentional and careless use of a dangling modifier, or an intentional, suggestive clue used by Perry Mason to hammer you with pointed questions on the witness stand. Which would you prefer?