Tuesday is for death
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B.C., 5/13/25
Remember a few months ago, when I criticized Mother Goose and Grimm for doing a take on the classic Far Side “I’m a cowboy!” vulture joke that was much, much more graphic and grim? Well, that strip looks downright cuddly now that we have one of the B.C. guys (yes, I know they have names, I do not know which is which and I will never put in the effort to learn) on his hands and knees in front of a skeletonized grazing animal of some sort, next to other scavengers, eyes glazed over, with big strips of rotting meat hanging from his mouth, while one of the other B.C. guys reacts in anger and horror at the animal he’s become.
Hi and Lois, 5/13/25
Look, in general I support perverts doing their thing, but you shouldn’t drag your nonconsenting realtor into it. “Hee hee, I wonder what the ghosts in this house will think when they watch us have sex, powerless to stop us because their spectral form cannot affect material reality!” Sickos. I hope you get outbid by BlackRock’s real estate arm making an all-cash offer.
102 replies to “Tuesday is for death”
H&L: So, I guess Wednesday and Pugsley are off to college, so Gomez and Morticia have decided to downsize to…I don’t know…a Gothic condo?
H&L: So, where did the Addams Family move to?
MW: Belle usually drugs her victims into a state of dopey oblivion. But it’s Wilbur, so she didn’t even have to crack open a pill bottle.
DtM: Pretty good burn by The Menace.
GT: Let me explain to you, Coach Gerads, why Mimi doesn’t really care about Gil’s new girlfriend. I’ll use pictures.
H&L: Lois regrets running a real estate ad on OkFun.
Blondie: Dagwood is here. Forget their clients; Maya and Blondie need to work at full speed simply to keep up with him.
The hardware is drawn well, but not obtrusively for background objects, especially the ovens and the stand mixer.
H&L: The “Ghosts” franchise is getting out of hand.
MT: “I know! Some old guy dying of cancer can strangle them to death, and after he confesses, we can get his truck, or water heater!”
I recall watching a nature show where it was speculated that early man tasted meat for the first time by waiting for the scraps after a lion’s kill. After the large cats and hyenas had their fill, the hominids were able to scare off the vultures with their scary bipedal Rory Calhoun impressions to claim the leftovers. Kudos, B.C.!
H&L: The husband looks more like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon character than a Walker-Browne monkey face. All he needs is the trademark 5 o’clock shadow line.
H&L: Don’t tell me. The address is 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
Luann: Yes, rent is high in SoCal. Maybe your parents should rethink letting Bernice freeload there. They made Pru pay when she lived there.
DT: There’s no need for Mr. Expense Account to be in that room. He did his job of looking after the financial interests of his employer, Vesuvius Insurance.
GT: Is Coach Gonad’s mullet growing by the minute? He started with average hockey hair at the beginning of the game but now he has a full grown Kentucky waterfall in the back.
H&L: My wife and I are currently in the process of buying a new house and we know you’re not allowed to wander around a potential purchase without the agent present. In other words, the punchline is the look on Lois’ face when she’s invited to a three-way.
Hi and Lois:
They’re freaky and they’re goofy
Delirious and spoofy
And all together, poofy
The Flagston family
Each spouse is a no-see-um
When people come, they scre-eam
They really are plebeian
The Flagston family
Meet?
Greet?
Effete
So get a listless thrall on
A doomed shtick; you can wrawl on
We’re going to place a call on
The Flagston family
CLICK, CLICK
H&L: Someone at Walker&Brown must be a fan of “Ghosts Can’t Do It”
Hi and Lois:
In the second panel, the house-hunting hubby looks like a bulked-up George Jetson.
MW: “Dawnie-Poo? She’s not on board yet what with Belle threatening her life and all but she’ll get there.”
Lois, a true pro, is showing the haunted castle in her devil-colored outfit.
MW: I hate to be the bearer of bad news everyone…but the way that Wilbur is looking at that muffin in panel 2? That’s DEFINITELY either his bedroom eyes or his “O face.” You watched it. You can’t unwatch it!
@Guillermo el chiclero: I had the same thought about the couple not looking quite like Hi & Lois style. The husband looks like he’d be played by the same actor as Hi in the live-action adaptation, but their cartoon representation is very different.
Hi and Lois:
“Could we have a sleepover?” “To see if it’s haunted?”
“Not a ghost of a chance.”
Hi and Lois: “Haunted? Haunted as we all are by the specter of the Gilded Age, with its lack of fundamental regulation, its financial panics and wild inequalities in wealth and opportunity, an age to which certain segments of society are determined to drag us back willy-nilly? Why yes, by those terms it most certainly is haunted! It also has carpeting in the bathrooms. You’ll want to get rid of that.”
Hi and Lois:
“Folks, this is the mansion at which the famous actor who starred in Combat was filmed ripping into the author of the James Bond novels over something that bothered him.”
“No. Don’t say it, Ms. Flagston.”
“Yep. Vic tore Ian !”
Six Chix – And that’s why you have sheets from the Snuffy Smith Collection.
B.C.: Fun facts: in the time of Jesus, “wilderness” referred to any old area not used by humans for building or agriculture. It could be literally across the street from a town or village. If you go further back in scripture, the climate of the Holy Land was much wetter, and there are references to hippos and water buffalo in Israel. I have no idea where I’m going with this, but Thor had better be careful unless he wants a big old ZOT.
Don Abundio, translated:
“I’ll sell you this picture for a quarter, Uncle!”
“I’m well aware that his obsession with young shapely women is really an overcompensating attempt to mask his latent homo- and auto-eroticism”
BC: Prehistoric innovation — why hunt when you can just queue up at the Cash & Carrion convenience store.
@Peanut Gallery: Thank you. The original was truly awful.
Dude is so excited to have haunted house sex he lost about 20 pounds between panels.
GT: Is there any coach in this strip who isn’t an a**hole?
DtM – menacing level at an all-time high as the embracing of vaccinations is going to get Dennis canceled.
BC – Nothing to see here. Carrion.
H&L: Lois doesn’t want the customers getting too close to the house, because they’ll see it’s clearly just a cardboard cutout she traced from a Midjourney image of “victorian house expensive mcmansion turrets”.
BC: It’s funny because there’s obviously no meat left on those bleached bones. No, I think that Mr Redhead has just swallowed a vulture almost whole, and is straining to swallow the last bit of feathers. Which is…better than carrion? I’m honestly not sure.
H&L: Man, do you see the level of detail that the artist put into that haunted house? It’s sad to see that this person does have passion for illustrating, just obviously not the main assignment.
H&L – apparently there is such a thing as an extended try-it-out visit but not on the spot, typically for being-built communities where there are multiple equivalent units, and with background checks and some compensation for the stay. There were HGTV and TLC shows like “Date My House” in … 2008? The comics page once again on the cutting edge of modern life, folks!
MW: Wilbur has an interesting way of eating a muffin (cupcake?): squeezing the wrapper so it pops whole into his mouth.
Hi and Lois-A house like that goes for several million dollars. Lois is going to make a chunk of change on commission.
RMMD-Now Augie is in jail for drug possession.
MW-Wilbur, how much money have you given Belle?
MW-“I keep telling Dawn she needs to give Belle’s oral skills a chance.”
Phantom: Mr. Dorje, if you consider being a self-centered, vengeful, remorseless murderess remarkable than yes, Savarna is a remarkable woman. Remember, she’s the one who wanted to massacre the Rhodian prisoners at Gravelines after they had already surrendered until Babudan stopped her.
GT: The New Bad Boy of Milford Sports loves tangling with Mimi because, unlike buttoned-up believer in sportsmanship Gil, Mimi likes to talk smack and bust chops. And by the way, assistant coach whose name I forget, Mimi doesn’t need your help.
JP: I guess we’re to assume that Hank stayed at the airport, got a new return-trip ticket, and is now on his way back to California, thanking his lucky stars.
MW: “. . . but she’ll come around. Now shut up and leave me alone, I’m eating.”
RMMD: What’s the cartoonist term for padding?
BC – Ah…the good old days….
H&L – Satan bless this hell hole….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Hi and Lois-The real horror will come when they remodel the house and make everything in there flat gray.
MW:
Mary: Do you like the muffins, Wilbur? I got the recipe from Belle.
Wilbur: (frantically gulps a gallon of milk)
MW: Mary holding her teacup—more like clawing it—in her right hand but drinking it from her left side evokes the classic Homeric “eagles flying to the left” harbingers of bad things about to happen. Could be that Dawn is going to be assaulted by Belle with that foot long butcher knife while these two yak it up over muffins. But my guess is, Mary is about to spill that brew all over her purple bosom.
BC – Vultures projectile vomit as a defense mechanism when predators get to close to them. Just saying.
**B.C.:** Obviously he’s luring the vultures into a false sense of security so he can kill and pluck them, then say they’re swans and sell them to a king for a sackful of gold. Everyone knows kings love to eat fried swan.
**H&L:** “Of course you can spend a night in this house! Let me just pop in and release the demon—I mean, put clean sheets on the bed for you. You’re not carrying around any salt, are you? Good. Good.”
H&L: Lois, this is probably your best opportunity to leave your illegitimate children and your slovenly husband by joining that polyamorous cult.
MW: Father of the Year cares more about that muffin in his hands than he does about his daughter.
CS: Ed slams his fist down in anger. “Hey, I’M the one who says stupid things around here, pal! Don’t drive in my lame.”
Frazz: Whoa, did Caulfield just slam Frazz for being a lowly janitor? I’m going to interpret this as, Yes he did!
Hi and Lois-Menage a trois.
BC: I’m sure the question of whether or not our distant ancestors were scavengers has been discussed in anthropological circles, but frankly after seeing this strip I don’t want to explore the subject further.
H&L: “No need for that, a haunting test is included in the closing costs. I can refer you to a really good company–they’re a bit eccentric, and I’m pretty sure the long-haired guy with the Great Dane is a pothead, but they get the job done.”
For once, B.C. is historically accurate. Early humans almost certainly scavenged, as it’s just easier than hunting. If you get there before the hyenas, the bones will still contain nice fatty marrow, great for developing a larger brain. All that said, if Caveman #1 picks up a bone and smashes it down on Caveman #2 repeatedly as Also sprach Zarathustra plays, then throws the bone into the air and we get a smash-cut to a spaceship from the current run of Flash Gordon, I won’t complain.
BC: Well, whaddaya know! It’s my old Vulture buddies, Vin and Von! Man, does this take me back. All those scenes we did together – you guys pecking at my flesh while making wisecracks, me trying not to laugh and let the Xs slide off my eyelids… good times!
I gotta be honest here – it’s a little disappointing to see you guys sharing a meal with a two-legger! Back in the day that was considered “inauthentic” as well as in poor taste. Changing times I guess. At least you’re just doing “bystander” roles here. And if a secure retirement in BC is worth giving up some artistic integrity – it’s your choice. “Carry-on” (snort,snort) A little scavenger humor there…
CS: “Bus fewer kids”? Lena, nobody buses fewer kids than these malicious, incompetent bozos. And Andy, stop smiling like you just delivered the sickest burn since “if I were your husband, I would drink it.” I would say “don’t quit your day job”, but you and all your coworkers probably should.
Six Chix-Don’t kid yourself. None of the jokes you make are any good.
JP:
“Where’s Hank?”
“You mean ‘Haimar?ks’? He’s in detention now. Bad idea to leave the wilderness. Eh… Congratulations!”
C’shaft: Look, I’ll trust them over Ed Crankshaft any day.
Dustin: I’m not sure if Dustin’s question here is creepy (because he’s asking it of his sister) or stupid (because he’s asking it of his sister who has never said a nice thing to him in her life).
GT: “Ummm, you do know I’m the one who left him, right? For a woman? Unless you’re trying to imply I want Beth for myself, which please, I can do so much better.”
JP: Hank has the right idea. Dump Neddy on the flight over, then spend a few days kickin’ around Manhattan by himself, visit the Met, maybe try to get into the Hamilton lottery..
MW: Remember, this is Dawn’s good parent.
Phantom: Hmmm…*pulls up Merriam-Webster*
remarkable, adjective, worthy of being or likely to be noticed especially as being uncommon or extraordinary
….Well, I guess Sarvana’s bloodlust and self-centeredness are both uncommon and extraordinary, although honestly I can think of several better words to describe her.
RMMD: Trust me, it’s a lot less interesting than it sounds.
FLASH GORDON::
“Flash, in order to get to the castle, we must go through where I come from, the very dangerous Dragon’s Grotto. We could get killed.”
later…
“Well, that went pretty smoothly, things have taken a turn for the better in the Grotto since I was last there. It even smells better.”
H&L: “Actually, the house is behind that giant print-out of a clipart ‘haunted house’ like you’d see on a flyer for a Trunk-or-Treat event.”
@McManx: #23
Paleolithic airlines allowed one carrion per passenger with no fee.
\0/
BC: Perhaps I’ve become overly practical in middle age, but couldn’t they just spear the vultures and cook up a couple of birds?
BC-“We can’t eat it. We can’t have sex with it. What do we do now?”
H&L- well, now we know that they don’t use AI, as those two would look somewhat like the rest of the characters in the strip. We also know, they’ve forgotten how to draw in the the H&L style, and are pretty much cut and pasting everything.
@Guillermo el chiclero: I feel like KD here is being put in a false dichotomy akin to the “confessional paradox”–ie. if a man goes to a priest and confesses murder, does the priest tell the authorities or uphold the sanctity of confession? The answer is that if the murderer is truly remorseful he will atone by facing the legal punishment for his crime, and if he doesn’t he’s not repentant of his sin and therefore is not entitled to absolution or the priest’s silence. Sarvana is abusing KD’s kindness by refusing to leave and endangering everyone at the monastery; even the most pacifist Buddhist priest would be justified in kicking her to the curb right in front of the local police station.
@Old School Allie Cat: #40: And their digestive juices are highly acidic, which is why they can eat rotting meat without getting sick. The acids kill any harmful germs.
@TheDiva: #57: Also, when she forced herself upon the monks hospitality she made “her cause” their problem.
MW: Those definitely look like garlic cheese muffins in an alternate reality.
B.C.: I see the writers of B.C. have decided to try and transition the strip from fanciful cartoon prehistory to horrifying realistic prehistory, beginning by having their silly caveman become ferocious predators that maul animals to death for their meat. A charming new direction!
Rejected Hi and Lois dialogue:
Lois: Would you like to make an offer to Baal before you sleep in this cursed dwelling where demons and ghouls emerge at night to make you suffer for all eternity?
Guy: Sleep? We’re not sleeping, we’ll be up all night fucking. That’s probably enough of an offering to satisfy.
@Guillermo el chiclero: But Mary’s garlic cheese muffins on the other hand….
Lio Come on, if you’re doing fencing right, who isn’t going to want to pull on a cape and make like the Three Musketeers? (The good 1973 one with Richard Lester, of course. Didn’t this movie have one of the best casts of all time?)
DtM Honey, if you have to tell me you’re sophisticated, you ain’t sophisticated.
RMMD: “No, I mean your ponytail is really, really awful. Why don’t you cut your hair in an ugly shag like June and me? Just go to “Louie’s House of Ugly Shags” down by the turnpike and tell them you’re one of Doc Morgan’s gals.”
DT: “The broad and two punks that got killed in the car crash? They did all that fraud and murder. I told them they should stop, but they just laughed at me and kept on frauding and murdering. Honest.”
6Chx: ”Diva Boots,” huh? Must be L.A. hipster slang for “hapless loser.”
The artist put the finishing touches on the haunted house… it was perfect… he could add nothing more. He stared wistfully at his framed degree of Fine Arts from UCLA hanging on the wall of his cubicle, then took a long drink from the bottle he kept in his desk and then sketched in the generic, nearly featureless people and background. He would take an early and a long lunch today weeping in the supply closet.
B.C. -The “paleo” diet is well known for being pseudoscience nonsense, and this strip is probably closer to the truth: Our earliest ancestors weren’t ripped Adonises chucking spears, but opportunist scavengers picking over dead animals or the kills over others. Rather than being pristine examples of health, there was probably a lot of parasites and stomach discomfort before we learned to hunt, cook, and preserve meat properly.
Hi and Lois – This would be funnier if this was a goth couple, or else hinting that they are vampires.
@TheDiva: I’m still doubtful about Wilbur being the “good parent” since Dawn has proven to be as much of a selfish brat as her father. Moy didn’t even bother to tell the real story since she thought it was more important to see Wilbur having a pity party in his bathrobe and him being the “good parent” is a pure ego stroke.
Baldo: “Yeah, he’s in his room, naked. Said to send you right in.”
Well, THERE’S a “comment #69” for ya, Scratchy, ol’ boy.
BC for some reason reminds me of the mid-1900s riddle:
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?
You gonna eat that?
I think Ellen Barkin told that joke on the Tonight Show.
@Needless Exposition: Like I’ve said before: my headcanon is that Dawn’s mother is an ordinary, decent human being who would be any child’s preferred parent. But Dawn got too many of Wilbur’s genes, and relates to him for some appalling reason. Wilbur is the Jerry Smith of this world, but the story is written from Mary’s
enablingsympathetic perspective.6Chix – No, it’s the other way around about the cost. She’s undoubtedly right about how good it is.
Crankshaft – No, it’s How can we come up with X number of routes for X number of drivers.
Rex Morgan – There was a bit of action when McStrangler strangled McStalker, but mostly it was a lot of standing around and talking, with the story fizzling into nothing. Agatha Christie rejected this story as too boring and stupid. Heck, James Patterson didn’t want it.
Speed Bump – I love these dogs. And they’re smart! Dogs are good!
@Cleveland Mocks: Re Frazz – I think the little genius was referring to Frazz’s exercise heavy lifestyle, and how much time he spends running.
@Daisy: I have a bone to pick with you!
Dustin: The unseen 4th panel is Dustin dumping his soda all over Megan’s laptop.
BC: I’ve been staring at this cartoon for oh, a few seconds, but I don’t understand why that red-headed caveman is dying of thirst when he’s about 10 ft. from a lake. There probably are fish there to eat as well.
So when Belle finally kills Dawn, is Dawn’s ghost going to sneak up on the living and scare them by suddenly moaning “Death is brutal!”?
@Peanut Gallery:
Este niño tiene un futuro brillante.
@Guy Nerdlinger: #64: I agree. When Lester was first planning a film version of the novel in the 60s he wanted the Beatles to play d’Artangan and the Musketeers. I believe it would have been George as d’Artangan (since he was the youngest), Paul as Aramis, John as Athos, and Ringo as Porthos. Still, drunk or sober, Oliver Reed IMHO did the closest interpretation of Athos as depicted in the novel.
Fun fact: No where in the novel is Rochefort described as having one eye but because Christopher Lee wore an eye patch in the movie almost every actor whose played the character since has sported an eye patch.
H&L: “Well, I know they definitely moved the headstones, so you should be good.”
Hi and Lois-“Could we have a sleepover? We’ve been looking to add a third.”
Crank: Hey, remember when the problem was that all the kids were being driven to school and the buses were empty? That wasn’t funny either, but it at least gave us hope that Ed might be made redundant.
DT: Quick reminder that Dick got brought into this mess in the first place because Homicide thought the body in the park was weird but found no evidence of foul play. Piltdown is about to confess to a murder the NCPD weren’t even sure had happened.
(You might be thinking “Sure, but it’s highly implausible that Piltdown met this guy who looked like him, and the Sergeant then conveniently died of natural causes.” Well, yes, but I guarantee that Piltdown’s confession is going to include at least one element that’s just as implausible.)
JP: “We were stuck on a long plane ride together and suddenly came to the mutual decision we preferred not being around each other. On an unrelated note, I’m right in thinking you’re going to Norway and Glen isn’t, right? Probably wise.”
RMMD: Michelle, I know you’re kind of new around here, having joined the practice in … good grief, 2015? A whole decade ago? Well, that’s certainly long enough to realise that “people in the orbit of the Morgans are randomly given stuff” is how the entire Glenwood economy works! Ask your husband how he could afford to set up his restaurant!
@Guy Nerdlinger: 1970s movies in general had amazing casts. See Catch-22 (1970), which brought together all the best male character actors in Hollywood (plus Art Garfunkel). And Murder by Death (1975), which brought together some of the top character actors in Hollywood AND London (plus Truman Capote).
@Ukulele Ike: My favourite bit in Murder by Death is the apparent arrival of “Miss Marbles” as a frail, chairbound figure, very close to the Miss Marple of the earliest stories, only for Elsa Lanchester to suddenly pop up behind her doing her best Margaret Rutherford impression.
@I speak Jive:
Re: Frazz — Aha, Caulfield he was referring to Frazz’ fitness monomania! Much obliged for straightening that out, ISJ. But I wish he had meant my version.
@Horace Broon: I have SO MANY favorite bits from that flick.
Peter Falk: “Nobody move!….I gotta go to the can again. I don’t wanna miss nothin.’”
Truman Capote: “Say your god damn pronouns!”
Maggie Smith: “Don’t let him park the car, Dickie.”
@Ukulele Ike:
Actually, that would be hilarious if Uncle Piltdown just blamed Auntie and the dum dum nephews. Does Tracy, the MCU or the itemizer have any proof that he actually was the one who embezzled the money? And did all of the crimes. There are probably plenty of examples of Auntie blowing up at people. He can claim he was coerced.
DT: Please have an arc where the criminal denies, denies, and denies some more. “You want me to talk, but my head go hurt and my memory is affected. All I remember is auntie yelling and coercing me to do things. Bad things.”
GT: And this is why good sportsmanship has largely died out.
MW: Perfect – captures Wilbur’s post-coital detumescent state of euphoria with the anticipation of cramming that muffin into his maw resulting in a post-prandial high. In short, Wilbur is in his bliss state. Meanwhile back at his condo, Belle is chasing Dawnie around trying to have Dawnie accidentally impale herself on a knife.
RMMD: Stalking, Vengeance killing, young adult dating angst – wonder where the medical stuff went.
Crankshaft – yeah, well it’s your own fault, thinking that talking to these bag of dicks would yield anything helpful. You deserve this hell.
6C: Since I am not a doctor, “schizophrenia” for me is just a fancy term for “divorced from reality.” I’m not sure if Xunise was ever married to it, actually – maybe shacked up for a few weeks at a time, long ago – unpleasant breakup, no doubt.
If she believes she can find eateries in Chicago that will feed her for cheaper than she can cook it herself, then a rupture from reality explains a whole lot about her other cartoons too.
@Banana Jr. 6000: Comparing Wilbur Weston to Jerry Smith is one of the best ways to summarize both their characters: horribly unsympathetic bad dads who ruin everyone around them.
@Ukulele Ike: #85: And Capote said it through a taxidermied moose head.
@Guillermo el chiclero: That’s why it’s one of my favorite bits.
Peter Sellers: “Wait! Cow talk again!”
Truman Capote: “MOOSE! Moose, you idiot!”
@Guillermo el chiclero: Luann: Yes, rent is high in SoCal. Maybe your parents should rethink letting Bernice freeload there. They made Pru pay when she lived there.
Frank wanted Pru to pay rent while she was working at his establishment for free. Let’s not forget what an absolute scumbag that guy is.
@Bob Tice
: Hi and Lois:
In the second panel, the house-hunting hubby looks like a bulked-up George Jetson.
____________________________
“Do you have something a few more hundred thousand feet in the air?”
@Ukulele Ike: Don’t forget James Coco: “I’m not a Frenchie! I’m a Belgie!”
I feel somewhat confident that the redheaded caveman’s name is actually “B.C.”, so when you refer to the “B.C. guys” you’re partially right in spite of yourself.
@Ukulele Ike: And “Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” (1979) which brought together all the greatest rock acts that drug money could buy (And Carol Channing).
Six Chex and A Cat Named Five Dollar Foot Long In Search Of A Punchline: “Hey, Diva Boots, wanna go to Subway™or assemble a new boyfriend here?”
@Bob Tice:
Not a ghost of a chance.”
_________________________
Scream, you’re on Alan Brady’s “Sneaky Camera”!
The maniacal threesome we all know Lois is embarking on will be interrupted by the TRUE horror…that of water damage! Appease the pagan monstrosities you venerate, people! Make sure your calkings and sealants are up to date!
This message was brought to you by a guy selling calk and sealant foam out of the back of his 1989 Wagoneer.
@Garrisonskunk: #95: And last but not least, Alec Guinness. “It’s Bensonmum, Mum.”
CS: How about paying us more, says every school bus driver in the country.