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Civilization’s bargain: Women comfort; men keep the bugs away. Step up, Darryl.

Judge Parker, 11/28/18

Abby — a woman — longs to comfort her wounded child, but manly Sam has conditions, to make sure that Neddy’s mood is within permissible bounds, that her return is properly motivated, and that she won’t inconvenience him in any way. Let’s listen in:

“OK, Sam, it’s time for The Talk again — pull up there by the gate. See what it says up there, in bronze on granite? ‘Spencer Farms’ — Spencer. I’m wealthy; Neddy and Sophie have their own inheritances, what have you got? Shut up, I’ll tell you — you’ve got the leftover from the shoe deal with Jules because of Neddy, the commissions on the factory deal with Rocky because of Neddy, and the profit on selling the bus to Hank because of Neddy. You’re at least enough of a lawyer to understand how our prenup works, and how you got your clothing allowance, your Pinot stash, and this stupid car. So go back to your “office” over the stable, do your “work,” and stay the hell out of my way: I’m going to go take care of my daughter.”

Hi and Lois, 11/28/18

Before Hi and Lois changed artists, a horizontal line and two dots meant “bedroom eyes”; now it means something like “I am being sly,” and they’re using it a lot more. Kinda creeps me out, children having all that sex on the sly.

Luann, 11/28/18

It’s been five years since Josh announced his break from Luann, and despite a relapse or two it falls to me to see that this popular hateread gets the coverage it deserves. It’s a tough gig — how do you cover developments in a strip with the core principle “Nothing must ever happen?”

One way is to play stupid “what if” games. My favorite is, “What if all the designated villains were designated heros, and vice versa?” Gunther as a passive-aggressive weasel trying to sneak his way into Luann’s pants is a gimme, and Ma Gunther as his manipulative older double trying to sneak her way into Mr. Grey’s wallet isn’t much harder. Leslie (“It’s Les“) Knox is more of a challenge: I see him as the tough-but-fair drill sergeant trying to shape Gunther into something that will pass for a man. Sort of a “TJ and Brad” thing.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Hi and Lois, 11/15/18

The thing I honestly love about this strip is that it’s taking Ditto’s emotions extremely seriously. Look at the genuine panic and despair he’s experiencing in panel one! Check out how tightly he’s gripping his hands together as he begs for sanctuary in panel two! In contrast, Dot and Thirsty are both just slouching casually, their hands thrust into their pockets, like a couple of people without diagnosable anxiety who know that cookie jars go for like $20 to $30 on Amazon.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/15/18

OK, guys, I’m officially giving up when it comes to actually fitting together the various aspects of Wally’s story that I half remember or understand. Like, I do have vague memories of him adopting a daughter from Afghanistan, and I guess this was before he joined the army and went to Iraq and then was held prisoner in Iraq by … somebody? … for ten years and everyone thought he was dead? I’m not sure how Rana fits into that story precisely, but based on the fact that they’ve seen each other recently enough to recognize one another but don’t seem to realize that they’re both attending college at the same school, their relationship is clearly going great!

Marvin, 11/15/18

“Oh, people don’t like comics where Marvin voids himself into his diaper and are begging for him to be potty trained? Fine: here’s a comic where Marvin is pissing into his potty while making a joke about ‘streaming.’ We’ll draw him to make it very clear that he’s not wearing diapers, just to give you a vivid sense of exactly what’s happening that you can’t ignore.”

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Hi and Lois, 11/10/18

Wait, but … Beetle Bailey and the Flagstons exist in the same universe! Beetle is Lois’s brother! The kids know him! Have they become suddenly and horrifyingly aware of their own status as cartoon characters? Will they attempt to escape, breaching the walls between dimensions and invading our own reality? God help us all!

Hagar the Horrible, 11/10/18

“Also, I’m a member of a murderous Viking warband. We fight people all the time, as we try to steal their precious belongings to bring back to Norway! But, as mentioned, I also hate myself. Is this … is this the kind of thing girls like? Talking about being a murderer with self-loathing? Does this make me ‘complicated?’”