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Dick Tracy, 11/17/22

Look, I know, we’re never getting back to the glory days of “guy in gimp suit gets eaten alive by rats,” but you have to admit that we’re coming pretty close with a Dick Tracy villain named “Steelface,” whose whole thing is that he has a steel plate in his face that’s magnetic, and you’d think that he’d be know about situations where such an arrangment would be dangerous, like, say, getting into an MRI machine, and also you’d think the medical techs would ask questions like, “Say, you don’t have a steel plate under that bandage, do you?”, but it turns out nope on both counts and now he’s going to get his skull ripped apart by the MRI machine’s powerful magnets. He only ended up at this hospital because he hit his head fleeing from a police raid on his stolen car operation, so we can basically credit this grisly death to the cops, or at least that’s what they’ll be telling themselves while they stand around watching the poor hospital night shift guy scraping what’s left of Steelface’s face off the inside of the MRI machine with a putty knife.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/17/22

If you were really at a concert like this and a performer made this kind of announcement, everyone in the audience would chuckle knowingly and understand that “ice cream” and “tummyache” were code for “drugs and/or alcohol” and “unconscious.” Sadly, this is Rex Morgan, M.D., where literally everything is exactly as it seems on the surface, all the time.

Hi and Lois, 11/17/22

Sure, Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC has somehow managed to survive and even thrive in a declining newspaper industry as their readership ages, but I’m hoping that this comic means they’re about to go all-in on crypto at the worst possible time.

Crankshaft, 11/17/22

Look, not every Crankshaft has to be a big “event,” you know? Sometimes it can be something quiet and delightful, like Crankshaft falling face-first up a flight of stairs.

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Blondie, 11/15/22

I love this comic, which is quite clearly the product of a person who has never encountered protests or union organizing (here collapsed into a generic “picket”) outside seeing them briefly on cable news framed in a vaguely negative way, and has no idea why they happen or how they work. Yes, definitely people are recruited into the abstract idea of a picket, and only when they turn down the opportunity to participate as if they were a teen in an afterschool special who just said no to drugs are they wooed with information on what the picket is actually about. That explains the “A ‘Nappy’ Makes Me ‘Happy”’ lady, who apparently thought she was going to a protest for equal rights for diaper fetishists.

Hi and Lois, 11/15/12

It was a particularly rough day at the office — so rough that Mr. Foofram had to use the time-reversing technology from Christopher Nolan’s film Tenet to extract a few extra hours of work from Hi, meaning he’s coming home older than he should be. Lois has told him that he needs to complain to the Department of Labor about this, as Foofram isn’t paying him overtime, but he won’t stand up for himself!

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Hi and Lois, 10/30/22

I know it’s not considered “woke” to define a woman in terms of her husband, but I think we can all agree that the Bride of Frankenstein is almost entirely known for being married to Frankenstein’s monster. It’s right there in her name! So Hi’s choice to dress up as Bela Lugosi’s Dracula is an interesting one, and seems to tell us a lot about what kind of party they’re going to where kids are very much not welcome. (It’s a swingers party, and the theme is classic Universal horror characters, just so we’re absolutely clear on that.)

Shoe, 10/30/22

Look, I’m on the record as being very concerned about Skyler’s home life, so maybe I’m being oversensitive, but I think if your friend tells you that being (presumably) orphaned and forced to live with a neglectful, aging uncle is “one big horror movie,” I’d express some sincere concern about his safety rather than just cracking wise. On the other hand, it’s pretty clear that the friend is right here and the Perfesser is dead, so Skyler may be destined for a group home situation that may frankly be even worse than what he’s gone through so far.

Mary Worth, 10/30/22

Good (?) news, everyone! Zak isn’t going to fall to his death! Iris (and God, I guess) saved him! And she’s definitely going to marry him now! She’s learned that life is truly unpredictable, and while it seemed unlikely that he would predecease her, inheritance is a lot simpler between spouses and he’s got a lot of money, so why take that chance?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/30/22

Is my pro Mud Mountain Murphy position still going to hold now that I’ve learned that he’s horny? Tentatively yes, but I’ll be keeping a close eye on the situation to see how it develops.

Daddy Daze, 10/30/22

“Anyway, you know why we broke up? It’s so I can just go inside and leave him there and not have to deal with this at all.”