Problems of youth, problems of age
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Mary Worth, 7/31/25
I guess the “Olive uses her psychic powers to save Mary from certain death” moment was just a prelude to the main plot, “Olive gets bullied,” which, as far as I’m concerned, BORING [comically exaggerated snoring noises]. There’s been lots of dark talk about how Olive’s psychic “gifts” come with “challenges,” which I guess means these girls are bullying her because she’s psychic, and I’m sorry, but the kids today have access to both the original Carrie with Sissy Spacek and the 2013 remake with Chloë Grace Moretz, so they should know that you do not want to antagonize the weird psychic girl! You want to be kind to her, so that once she snaps and starts using her powers to explode the heads of her enemies, she’ll accept you as an acolyte! Youths are not prepared for the reality of the modern-day educational landscape!
Crankshaft, 7/31/25
At first I assumed “old people” here was a euphemism for “unadventurous white midwesterners,” but unadventurous white midwesterners will fuckin’ go to town on jalapeño poppers and hot wings, so I genuinely don’t know what Ed’s after here. Can his increasingly rickety digestive system simply no longer handle spice? Does he need some nice lady to cut corn off the cob right there at his table, or possibly chew it up and spit it into his mouth?
177 replies to “Problems of youth, problems of age”
MW:
“Are those classmates of yours?”
“Yes. In fact, they’re all class officers, and they used a lectern to address us all in the school gymnasium the other day.”
“No. Don’t say it, Olive.”
“Yep. A ‘bully‘ pulpit!”
Mary needs to get involved here! Nothing will make Olive cooler than a haranguing old lady coming to her defense!
CS: Ed has to read the menu in disbelief a few times to make sure he is, in fact, reading “jalapeno poppers” instead of what he really wants. I wonder if Jeff is also a coprophage, though hopefully without adding jalapeno to his feces.
MW:
“Yes, my classmates and…bullies…”
“Now, are some of them ‘classmates’ and some of them ‘bullies,’ or if we were to draw Venn diagrams of ‘classmates’ and ‘bullies,’ would one diagram completely overlap the other?”
Slylick Fox and Comix For Kinx presents “What’s New,Dr Magoo?”
I think what Ed is saying is he came in here for a haunch of venison, a flagon of mead, some unseasoned porridge and lingonberries. Freakin’ young people!
Uh… I cut corn off the cob. Otherwise it gets stuck between my teeth.
Great – this blog just revealed to me that I am square in Crankshaft Territory and maybe one step away from being a Plugger. If anyone needs me, I’ll be on the roof.
MW:
“Now, I want you to know that you’re not alone in this, Olive. In fact, Sam the Sham and his group The Pharaohs were once the target of a flock of intimidating sheep who were hurling insults at them. This was the inspiration for their 1965 hit ‘Wooly Bully‘ !”
Crankshaft:
“Well, we can serve you up a side of Metamucil!”
MW-“Nah. Those are just random New Yorkers.”
FC-And the beetles are waiting to take over when the crickets stop playing.
MW: Olive could do a few things to change things up. First, quit holding hands with that older woman as you walk along. Are you dating?? You both look creepy. And also maybe mention to her that the nasty purple blouse she has on stinks like it’s never been changed–you can smell it all the way back to the boat launch. Second, stop binding your breasts. The other girls are not worried about having boobs, so why are YOU?? Boobs are as natural for a teenager as acne. So lose the wide electrical tape you wrapped around your tee shirt. And if all else fails, bring them home to meet the folks. THAT should give them something else to talk about.
MW: Three New York Classmates Die In Separate Falling Air Conditioner Incidents. Elderly Ninja Figure Sighted Each Time.
RMMD: If only Truck had known, Spuds could have been nicknamed for the OTHER thing he really liked.
DtM: The Menace isn’t looking for change. He’s wiping his hands off, because he just crapped in a corner.
LUANN: Wow, Phil. If that’s all the cojones you’ve got, you’d best re-locate to Chickweed Lane.
Beat up Bailey :”Also Zero is mailable, folds up and fits in any envelope.
Family Circus:
“And they’re singing along to Jon Cicada!”
Phantom:
“Wow! Our doctor is Clark Gable! — how cool!”
MW: “Ew…Ugh! Weirdo…Get away from her, Olive.”
MW: Of course Olive is going to be bullied. Not only is she a delusional weirdo who thinks she has a “gift” but it’s perfect for Groomer Mary to convince Olive that she’s the only one who understands her. Mary obviously is pretending to look sympathetic but secretly she’s as ecstatic as Wilbur in a mayonnaise bath. Definitely worth the $50 she paid those college students to yell basic insults.
@A Grave Mind: I’m partial to a good Mammoth roast myself. Hunting it is the hard part.
MW: New York City, capital of the world! Thrumming metropolis of millions, the city that never sleeps! And also if you go for a walk in Central Park you immediately bump into your hated classmates, all just hanging out together, no smartphones, just living in the moment.
If I remember correctly, Olive in her first arc, had an Angel appear to her in the middle of the night (who looked vaguely like Mary) the Angel led her outside, then Olive fell in the Charterstone pool but Mary jumped in and saved her from drowning.
I mean, good thing Mary did that, otherwise how could they have a Charterstone Pool Party afterwards? It would be very awkward.
FC: Crickets chirping is the usual response to the ‘humor’ in FC.
MW I don’t think you need that dramatic pause there, Olive — the bullying was pretty evident. You see, the rest of us without psychic powers just use a handy sense called ‘social cues’
CSh Really enjoying Jeff’s smug grin in that last panel. “Nope, I deliberately chose a restaurant with nothing for you to eat. Starve, bitch!”
Crankshaft : is not objecting to how spicy the food sound, but to how “foreign” it sounds. He didn’t fight in WW2 so we could eat like they do in Tokyo! (Crankshaft assumes “Jalapeno” is also a japanese word)
…Too far…?************
Luann : Come on, walk out of the strip forever, DO IT… Ugh, who am I fooling, this is the same sort of circumstance that happened around Bets’ various “break-up and leave the strip forever” fake-outs. We’re never getting rid of Phil’s judgemental nagging.
***********
Mary Worth : “Well, I know what you could do, Olive. You could dress up in a purple spandex bodysuit and domino mask, adopt a secret codename, rescue those girls multiple times from disasters and super-criminals, so that as they continue to relentlessly bully your mild-mannered alter ego, you can laugh at the private joke that they constantly fawn over your secret heroic self (sometimes by winking at people who aren’t there)!”
“…That sounds even less healthy than Josh’s ‘go on killing spree during prom’ suggestion, Mary…”
MW: There was this HORRENDOUS cartoon years back, Caillou, you probably know if its infamy.
The one episode I watched I actually found unintentionally hilarious because these two kids are moping on a park bench, and their grandmother shows up, the kids tell her they’re sad because their friends didn’t show up to hang out.
Grandma: Oh dear, how about I read you a story about Caillou?
THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
MW” To be fair to the mean girls, a 14-year old walking through the park holding hands with a random old lady *is* pretty weird.
Making sure that the airport restaurants serve nothing but spicy food is certainly a creative way to prevent drug smuggling.
@Guts Dozier: And likely causing everyone to run to the bathroom at the same time, mid-flight.
CS: “What the hell, Jeff. If I eat this many spices, my asshole’ll be redder than your grandad’s suspenders.” Ed says cheekily.
JP … or maybe just tied her up in the basement or attic because that’s the level of dumb plotting typical in this strip? (Go ahead Reena, go look and maybe get yourself bumped off and finally escape this comic strip…)
MW- Curly McFreckles seems more bully-adjacent than actual bully. She’s just chillin’ and not hurling insults like Hatchetface Blonde and Spicy Latina.
Crankshaft: I would say Ed needs a spleen to help digest those “spicy” foods, but if there’s one thing Crankshaft has plenty of, it’s spleen. No, wait, I’m thinking of terrible wordplay.
Mary Worth just taught me that I do not like it when characters in the strip voice what I’ve been thinking for the last week.
JP: So, this ‘charity’ Sophie and Reena were supposedly going to work at didn’t give them the actual name of their point of contact for getting established in Norway. Just handed them a damp piece of paper with an adress scribbled on it. ‘Yeah, just go to this house. Someone’ll be there, we never figured out who. Surprise!!’
I am absolutely stunned that nobody in the comments or Josh understood that the Crankshaft strip is about GERD. I’m 43, but I have it, and even lightly spicy things now absolutely ruin my night with heartburn. God, I miss buffalo sauce and salsa.
Also Crankshaft: Judging by what I’ve seen, old people are more than able to ignore spicy foods, vegetables and anything else they don’t like, and moving straight to dessert. And you know what? More power to them! They deserve it! (Except for Crankshaft, nothing but bread and water for that jerk.)
Mary Worth: You know what they say: New York City is actually a small town. In this case, a town of eight, with palm trees in the background.
@The Rambling Otter: “And no marvel, for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.” The plot thickens.
MW: “Actually, Mary, they were talking about you.”
Curtis: Barry’s been changing his MAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! cry around.
Next time, he will be evoking William Shatner:
“MAH! “Curtis!” “Is!” “Trying!” pause “To-hit-me!” “For! “No” Good!”
long pause after Barry climbs of Diane, Curtis tries to explain, only to be cut off by Diane, who glares and gives his a chore out of the blue, followed by the last panel of Curtis breaking the fourth wall, meanwhile, after all the panels, unseen….
“REASON!”
Those girls were Olive’s friends up until a week ago when she started getting excited about hanging out with an elderly woman she’s not related to and kept monologuing about how they’ve kept in touch over the years and how wonderful Mary’s character is. It turns out that outside of Charterstone people have normal human reactions to behaviour like that.
@The Quiet Man: It was Sophie’s quasi-boyfriend setting this up and he did send some kind of details. There was that whole “why is the driver going out of Oslo?!” bit with the phone call and Sophie confirming she had gotten a document about the plans but hadn’t read it over. In a month. Not even enough to note the AirBnB location and plans for how they would commute into Oslo. The guy knew Sophie wasn’t going to check it out (it now looks like he’s In On It and the “charity” is part of the Evil Network after April) so it could probably have been sketchy as heck, with “Evil Plan!!!” footnotes written all over it, but he did send something.
MW: This is all very…what’s the word? Dumb. Yup that’s it, dumb.
JP: Is Marciuliano a fan of Get Smart? Those ridiculous plot contrivances were meant as satire of spy flicks. This ridiculous plot contrivance is satire of… Judge Parker? Seems a little self defeating.
Airport restaurants are, by their nature, accustomed to serving customers with a wide range of tastes. Also this is the upper Midwest. I’m sure the menu includes “white bread topped with iceberg lettuce, served with a side of tater tots”; Ed is just, once again, being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole. Jeff should “accidentally” leave him behind or put him on a direct flight to the upper Yukon or something.
@Anonymous: As old as Crankshaft is, he didn’t fight in the Mexican war to eat like they do in Tijuana!
“Jalapeno poppers . . . hot wings . . . spicy sushi rolls . . . doro wat . . . revuelto Gramajo . . . palusami . . . keubaibat hail . . . lutefisk . . . I’m a bit concerned this restaurant lacks focus, boy. I knew we shouldn’t have gone to Random Places, Random Plates.”
As an old(er) person myself, this is the first time I’ve ever felt like I understand Ed Crankshaft, and I don’t like it one bit.
MW: Amateurs. Mary should find out their names, and then have Wilbur follow them (on their social media (at first)).
Remind me to “thank” today’s Zits for subjecting me to the line, “Sorry, I can’t hear you over the pleasure.” Do florists do bouquets of eastern skunk cabbage? I need something that can compete with the reek of both the punchline and Walt’s feet.
Curtis: Isn’t Barry supposed to be gifted and in a higher grade now? He’s not “just a baby” anymore, Diane. Stop coddling him.
Luann: Oh look, it’s that classic sitcom situation where a woman is *gasp* talking to a guy friend!
The Crankshaft strip will become more interesting if Crankshaft makes the dreadful mistake of eating sushi at the airport, then boarding a crowded 6-hour flight, and subsequently monopolizing the airplane’s rear lavatory. Although it could be worse if he eats the jalapeno poppers before boarding.
The really unrealistic aspect of this particular strip is the roominess of the airport cafe. There’s no airport restaurant in North America that roomy, or that sanitary.
GT: Nice South Park reference. Now I’m going to go bleach my eyes.
“My classmates and bullies. They always loiter here at Theodore Roosevelt Park.”
@The Rambling Otter: Ugh, Caillou…the only thing worse than that whiny little brat was the condescending old lady who narrated his exploits. If Mary Worth even had an audio dramatization, she’d be a shoo-in for the title character.
I’ve since learned that “caillou” is French for “rock,” which gives me some consolation as it indicates the parents clocked their kid’s weirdly hairless head and intellectual potential from the first, and acted accordingly.
Crankshaft: Ask for the Soup Menu.
Where’s a rogue window air conditioning unit hurtling through space when you really need one?
MW: Look, I hate bullying of any kind and as I get older, I believe that most conflicts can be solved nonviolently, but if I were in Olive’s class and had to hear her go on and on about her “gifts”, I know that I too would like to take a swing at her.
C’shaft: Jeff and Crankshaft look like they’re sitting in an open food court, but Crankshaft is reading from a menu. Did he steal it from the bar and grill on the other end of the terminal just for the purposes of complaining before he gets a tuna sandwich at the grab-n-go stand?
MW: I can attest from personal experience that being chronically bullied is a traumatizing experience with effects that last well into adulthood, so milquetoast stories abut the experience like this on infuriate me. There is a non-zero chance Mary will say “Just ignore them, and they’ll stop bothering you!” and my laptop-chucking arm is already itching at the prospect.
Mary Worth – The youth of today are aware of Carrie, but they are also aware of Final Destination franchise (including this year’s hit sixth installment, Final Destination Bloodlines). Olive has upset the spectre of Death, who has continued to wreak havoc on the city in pursuit of the people she has saved.
Meddling in the affairs of Death is dangerous business, but this is Mary Worth we’re talking about. The Angel of Death and the mean streets of New York never stood a chance against the woman keeping Wilbur Weston alive.
Crankshaft – For the record, Crankshaft is in the Minneapolis Airport here, and Minnesota governor Tim Walz famously spoke about eating “white guy tacos” last year. “Spicy” is not the word for the cuisine here.
@Hibbleton:
If Judge Parker turned into a scathing, full-metal satire of Judge Parker, it might be the greatest strip running. Well, after Flash Gordon. And only for like a year before the joke got old. But then it would die, and Judge Parker would be gone! I’m an Idea Man, see?
@Hibbleton:
If Judge Parker turned into a scathing, full-metal satire of Judge Parker, it might be the greatest strip running. Well, after Flash Gordon. And only for like a year before the joke got old. But then it would die, and Judge Parker would be gone! I’m an Idea Man, see?
Never sure how I achieve the double post like that. Internet difficult!
@TheDiva:
so milquetoast stories abut the experience like this on infuriate me
Same, friend. I had a mean girl in middle school who made my life very unpleasant. We lived in the same neighborhood and once my mother was giving us both a ride home from school. Mean girl was being a real bitch that day, and my mother looked at her in the rearview mirror and said, “Now, Lisa*, are you this rude to everyone or are you singling me out for special attention?”
I don’t even remember what Lisa said, I was too busy cringing.
Girls at that age should be employed at Guantanamo. They are vicious.
*Her actual real name. Why try to protect her anonymity?
@Doc Wonmug: It would be, but the MSP-YWG jaunt is quite short. He probably won’t have digested it until he gets out. Maybe the mess in the Customs / Border line will get him denied entry…
@TheDiva: I’ve seen table service via touchpad ordering at more than one airport restaurant (usually next to a walkup bar-like setup?) and based on panel 2 I think that’s what they’re going for.
DT: Girl, if you’re in to electro-stim there’s got to be easier ways of going about it.
Dustin: “I’m sorry, this isn’t negotiation. This is called ‘you either take what I put in front of you and quit whining like a five-year-old being told to eat his vegetables, or you get off your fat ass and learn to make yourself a fucking pan of Kraft Mac-n-Cheese if you can’t be bothered to eat like an adult.”
GT: Yes, if there’s one thing that’s completely incompatible with writing skills it’s knowing how to use a computer.
JP: Hey, the housing market is tough! Sometimes you can’t just wait for an old lady to die for a prime piece of real estate to open up; you have to take matters into your own hands, you know?
Lio: Impressive, until you remember it won all of one of them.
Luann: So the guy who’s weirdly anal about the quality and quantity of time he and Luann spend together is also irrationally jealous of any attention she gives to other men? Who knew?
Crankyshaft: Has Batty been ripping off “Pluggers”?
@TheDiva, Dustin: This comment could also be used for today’s “Crankshaft”.
@JamesBont, Curtis: Billingsley: “What? And give up a running gag I’ve been doing for decades? I’ve already had to hit the reset button with Greg’s quitting his smoking habit and Derrick & ‘Onion’ being kicked out of school!”
CS: Ed’s complaining about standard appetizer fare, but not the iPad menu? Maybe it’s time to check his medication.
Luann: In a classic sitcom trope, Luann accidentally invites both of her non-boyfriends to the same place. Hijinks do not ensue.
CS: “Can’t blow my cover now,” Jeff thinks to himself. “Just smirk at whatever comes out of his mouth, lose him at the Winnipeg airport, and get on the flight to San Diego Comic-Con! Heh, I can’t believe he bought that Blue Bombers nonsense. Enjoy driving a school bus in three feet of snow, you hateful old prick.”
Crankshaft: An airport restaurant in the upper Midwest is where Ed runs into capsaicin on everything?
GT: Jami found Berlin’s 365-day Christmas theme park!
Dustin: A casserole with nothing but cabbage and kale? As a main dish? If I wanted asinine exaggerations of kale-eaters I’d go to Mallard Fillmore, which at least doesn’t pretend to be centrist and ordinary.
BG&SS: Snuffy, the law term you aspire to is “not guilty”. Let’s get a few of those on your record before throwing around “innocent” and “exonerated”, shall we?
FC: And, left unsupervised (which is the same as “Dolly, watch your baby brother”), in a few minutes PJ will be throwing up.
H&L: Trixie, you’ll be switching to Vitamin “K” soon enough. It’s one more experience to share with your Mom.
Crankshaft: He has a point. I can’t remember the last time I saw Welsh rarebit, chipped beef on toast, red flannel hash or icebox cake on an aiport menu. The market for 110 year olds is really underserved.
DtM: Dennis pulls out a quarter dropped by a customer. “In your face, four-eyes!”
Crankshaft – So it’s MSP. Try the Tennessee Hot Lutefisk.
JP: Gain access to a little old lady’s house, murder her, then take over the house? Yeah, I can’t see why that wouldn’t work; Norway enjoys a very generous and forgiving culture. Don’t forget to leave a note for the milkman.
DT: We can see that Tess gets a serious thrill “down there” from waving her new electronic penis around.
I don’t want to say that Mary Worth‘s depiction of New York City’s population is too “white,” but I understand even the cast of “Friends” have complained that it’s not diverse enough.
@CanuckDownSouth: True, and now that I think on it there are airports where you can order via phone app. It just seems like all of these are things that Batiuk’s characters would avoid on principle.
@Bob Tice: #1
No…No..NOOOOO!!!! GAAAA!
@A Grave Mind: #2
Olive doesn’t need a bodyguard…she has a biddyguard!!!
@ValdVin: At first I also thought this was a case of “throw random names of healthy/trendy foods together without knowing what they mean,” but apparently there are variations of kimchi with kale instead of cabbage. The “casserole” part seems to be the oddity here, as most people use it in salads, stews or stir-fry. I guess Parker and Kelly didn’t want to take the risk of anyone thinking healthy food can sound genuinely appetizing.
JP: As I believe I mentioned herein once before, the way I see it is that the only reason that, out of all the cities in the world, the reason that the CIA sent April to this particular one must involve the strip’s connection to Drobak, namely Glen’s “charity” that is headquartered there. This charity is likely a front for an international crime and terrorism cabal that is run by Glen’s family, and now that his father is dead (with his body weighted down with chains and dumped in the ocean) and his uncle is serving time in prison for the murder, Glen is running the organization. This would explain what we have learned in the last two days, namely the disappearance of Mrs. Birkrem, the unseen landlady of the house where Glen has sent Sophie and Reena to live, and the mysterious background of “Leah”, whom the young ladies assumed had inherited the house from Mrs. Birkrem. The explanation is that Mrs. Birkrem has of course been operating the headquarters of Glen’s organization from this house, and Leah is another agent whom the CIA has sent to Drobak along with April to wipe out that organization. (Naturally, neither agent is aware of the other’s existence. Security!) So a week ago Leah began her assignment by bumping off Mrs. Birkrem and taking over the headquarters facility. Of course she has been evasive and/or deceptive about her background and her relationship to Mrs. Birkrem! In fact, for the last week Mrs. Birkrem has been sleeping with the fishes (which, in Norway, would be cod). Now that Glen has assigned Reena and Sophie to stay in this house, they are next on Leah’s “hit” list.
Or at least it ought to be, because that would be interesting. But then, this is Judge Parker, so maybe we shouldn’t get our hopes up…
Mary Worth: I genuinely can’t wait to see Moy’s idea of hardcore bullying and how to handle it. The bullies will probably spend a month calling Olive weirdo over and over before Mary brainwashes fhem into being nice (and more importantly, conforming to societal expectations) by feeding them cookies.
Crankshaft: Pretty much every old person I’ve ever met has eaten the exact same kind of things young people eat, with rare exceptions along the line of “my doctor recommended I cut back on these”. So I have no idea what Crankshaft could possibly mean by “old people food”. Are senior citizens in the Funkyverse some kind of monophagous animals that can only eat select types of food, akin to pandas and bamboo?
@seismic-2: Now, now. Mrs. Birkrem’s waterlogged corpse could just as easily be devoured by herring.
FC: As the chorus of crickets and cicadas slowly decrescendos, the fireflies switch on their glowing spotlights as if on cue, illuminating the Maestro himself, Jiminy Cricket, as he takes center stage with his top hat and cane to croon his trademark song, “When You Wish Upon a Star.” By sheer coincidence (COINCIDENCE, mind you) a meteor streaks across the clouds, leaving a brilliant trail of effervescent sparks. The Keane children, overcome with awe, run shrieking into the house, “Mommy! Daddy! Mommy! Daddy! Mommy! Daddy!! Come see!! It’s magi…no sooner do they utter the hellish forbidden word than Thel’s swift backhand shushes them. Shushes them good.
@seismic-2: I’ve been going with Leah as part of Drobak/Glen’s “charity” and they have some reason to use Sophie as witness / bait related to April. That would be the other interesting possibility, so of course we’ll end up with it being some grand coincidence
REX MORGAN M.D.: Truck: “‘Spuds’ had a dumb name so he decided the best thing to do was to re-name himself something even dumber to compensate. Of course in the exhilarating world of Roots country, how else do you demostrate you have the ‘sexy, bad-boy’ charm’ of root vegetables?”
REX MORGAN M.D. (2): I do love the fact that
CuckTruck is so lame and pathetic, his ex-wife decided that a man named “Cletus” who decided that “Spuds” was a more appropriate nom-de-guerre, would make a more satisfying romantic partner. Like I don’t think there is a chisel strong enough to scrap you from the bottom of that barrel! Just be glad Spuds is dead, Truck, or him and his impressive set of brass tater tots would be stealing Beehive away from you as well.We were visiting family recently and we cooked some buffalo wings for dinner because it’s one of our kids’ favorite meals and it turns out my grandmother had never eaten a chicken wing in her life. Ed’s not alone!
CS: I’m surprised Ed isn’t complaining about the airport food prices. Maybe Batiuk is saving that gem of an original joke for tomorrow.
@TheDiva: apparently there are variations of kimchi with kale instead of cabbage
Collectively, human beings have tried fermenting everything, although usually the goal was alcohol, not sour brassica.
MW – What kind of spell can Mary and Olive cook up to fix these bullies? Henceforth, thy snatches shall smell like spoiled salmon squares….
Crank – A funnier line – Isn’t there anything on the menu that won’t leave me with an itchy asshole….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
RMMD: I’m guessing Spuds/Cletus had a vastly more interesting backstory than Truck. He lived roots country, including making shine. BTW does Wanda know anything at all about Truck? He doesn’t like to communicate.
Don Abundio, translated:
“I’m a professional actor! Obviously I should be the one to do this!”
“Just wait till you see it!”
“Oh, no…”
“But we’ve got a guy right here who’s dressed like Napoleon!”
[Sign: POSE AS A MILITARY HERO, $50]
Rex Morgan, MILF Diver – What’s wrong with Cletus, you twatwaffle? Cletis Boyer went with Clete. Would that be okay for you?
And beyond being a fine-fielding third baseman, Clete Boyer was hot enough to be picked by Morganna to get bussed on the field. And reportedly, Clete returned the favor by going to her strip club and jumping on stage and kissing her back.
RMMD: Cletus’s first roots country nickname was “Choad,” after the shape of his dick, so he was rather relieved when the bass player started calling him “Spuds.”
Now I’ve had a pretty traumatic experience with bullying in both school and the workplace but even I would say that Olive is unfortunately the perfect victim for bullies. She’s a social outcast who talks openly about how “special” she is, her parents would rather go into an alleyway and boink than spend any time with her, and her “best friend” is a meddling old bat who enables her delusions. The best thing she can have is a good therapist and plenty of SSRIs while she’s babbling about fairies in her padded room.
Luann: “Phil, this is my friend Jack! He’s studying to be a veterinarian, because he’s been neutered.”
Phil responds with a dig about how veterinarians are not as good as human-facing medical professionals.
It is distilled essence of Crankshaft to pick the three flavorful items off the bland menu at this airport cafe and find a unifying factor to bitch about.
RMMD: If Donald Trump grew his sideburns down to his jawline and almost to the corners of his mouth, he and Truck could pass for brothers. Wait a minute …maybe that’s what Truck’s real name is?
@Tom T.:
OR something about the benefits of being neutered! C’mon, it’s Phil.
MW: Olive’s arm appears to be phasing through her waist in panel one. No wonder they call her a weirdo.
CS: Has Jeff, or whatever his name is, always had that patch of pure white hair? I might just go back and check, anything to distract from the implication that old people don’t eat spicy food reminding me of how old I’m getting.
CS: I remain puzzled as to exactly why a random guy in Ohio is so taken with a Canadian Football League team. I mean, I understand that the Cincinnati Bengals and Cleveland Browns aren’t appealing, but a CFL team? Is he Canadian?
@The Man With The Plan:
Jeff has had that patch of white hair around his temples this entire time, yes. It’s one of the few distinguishing traits between him and his wife Pam, and I used to opine that the comic would be drawn without which being which specified, it being solidified during the inking process (As in, a comic would be drawn with the two of them arguing about Crankshaft’s antics, and during inking it would be decided which one sides with or against Crankshaft, by putting white hair around the temples on one).
MW: Time to unleash the Mary Worth Fist-O-Justice!
JP: Quite an imagination Aksel has there.
MW, meta: No mention of the early-2000s TV movie of Carrie, which was intended as the pilot for a series and thus had Carrie survive at the end, faking her death and leaving town with Sue to presumably wander the country like the TV Incredible Hulk? Yeah, that makes sense. It’s probably not even worth mentioning not mentioning the 1999 fake sequel The Rage or the Broadway musical.
RMMD: Ya caught The Tater! — Ron White
@Philip: Final Destination 2, I believe traumatized me a little, as I can never see log trucks the same again, ESPECIALLY if I’m driving behind one.
@seismic-2:
Nice work – and thus all of the various threads are finally tied together in one giant cinch knot. The only missing element is how Judge Parker’s daughter, the man she allegedly did not kill all tie into this.
FC: Enjoy the cricket chorus while it lasts, Dolly, before Jeffy eats them.
CS: If Jeff was canonically a student at Kent State during the 1970 shootings that would put him well in his 70s. He should also be bitching about the lack of “old people” food.
CS: Too bad Jeff isn’t a Philadelphia Eagles fan. Ed could be choking down some of that famous Pennsylvania scrapple.
RMMD makes the Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel scenes from The Simpsons look like Shakespeare.
“Ew! Weirdo!”
“Why do the other girls say those things, Olive?”
“I don’t know, Mary. Beats me.” (Digs a long, droopy booger out of her nose and eats it.)
@Al in PDX: #100: I don’t think the CFL is even a big deal in Canada. Back during NFL players strike in the 80s the networks decided to run CFL games as a way of giving the US fans their weekly fix. I watched one game and noticed the half empty stands. They were a having a track meet while the game was going on (The track circled the playing field, like a high school athletic field). We started debating whether more spectators were there for the football game or the track meet.
Funky Crankershaft: If Minnesota is known for anything it’s our love of spicy food, like lutefisk and lefse. With a glass of tap water for dippin’!
@84 CanuckDownSouth: JP: >> they have some reason to use Sophie as witness / bait related to April
Bravo!!! Now things start to fall into place! We had all been concentrating on how it couldn’t have been just a coincidence that both Sophie and April were in Drobak, at the same time. But there’s more to it – they were both in the same coffee shop at the same time! What are the odds of that? Ridiculously low, unless… that was the plan all along. April would launch her kill-fest there, and as you theorize, someone who could identify her, namely Sophie, would witness it! Now April will live in risk of being exposed by Sophie (so long as she remains at large), and Sophie will live on the run from April, who of course will do whatever it takes not to be exposed. It’s a beautiful scheme – someone who knows Sophie and Reena well would know that the first thing that they would do on their first morning in Drobak would be to go to the closest coffee shop to Mrs. Birkrem’s boarding house, so that “someone” would arrange that this will also be the exact time and place for April to meet her CIA contact. As a result of this set-up, Glen’s organization will be eliminated by April (with “extreme prejudice”) just as the CIA wants, and Sophie will forever be on the lam from April, as… someone apparently wants. The person who is running this scheme on the ground is clearly Aksel, who has already shown that he knows a lot more about what’s going on than anyone else there does, and whose presence behind the coffee bar at just that moment was critical to the plan’s success, since he has been directing Sophie and Reena’s escape. But just who is the mastermind who has targeted both Glen’s organization and Sophie Spencer (who is so far not a part of that organization)?
Does then name “Lucas” come to mind? That’s right, the brother whom Sophie went to visit in the Hamptons on that fateful weekend when Glen and Lucas’s father was found murdered? Sophie had never met Glen before that, but once she did, she dumped Lucas and took up with Glen. Obviously Lucas has never forgiven either Sophie or Glen for this betrayal, so he decided to get revenge on them both. All he had to do was to become a turncoat and approach his crime/terrorism family’s enemy, namely the CIA, with the information they needed to unleash rogue agent April on the family’s international headquarters. Sure, this meant that the organization on which his family’s massive fortune had been built would now be destroyed, but it was clear that he would never be in a position of real authority there, so he might as well get paid off by the CIA (who certainly have a massive fortune of their own for just such purposes), and direct them towards Glen.
Does this all sound familiar? Of course it does, if you have ever watched or read The Godfather. Glen’s crime/terrorism family is the equivalent of the Corleones, and Lucas is essentially Fredo, the brother who could never become Don. Just as Fredo enabled the Corleones’ rival crime family (Was it the Tartinis? The Barzinis? I forget.) to ambush Sonny, Lucas has enabled the CIA to go after Glen and his organization in Drobak. It’s a beautiful scheme, so much so that Lucas couldn’t have come up with it, and in all likelihood it was the CIA who approached him with the idea. In any case, from now on Glen’s, Sophie’s, and April’s fates are irreversibly intertwined, and it is becoming clear just why. But one word of advice to Lucas – don’t let Glen talk you into going fishing.
@The Rambling Otter:
How convenient. Mary tosses Olive into the pool and then dives in after to “save” Olive making herself look like a hero.
@Ukulele Ike, JP: Gain access to a little old lady’s house, murder her, then take over the house?
*sigh* if only this was “Mary Worth”…..
@The Rambling Otter:
Not for Wilbur. “I fell off a cruise ship and lived. A child couldn’t even handle a foot drop into a pool.”
MW-Suddenly the ears of a Woody Allen Character perks up. “Did you hear that? She clearly said Jew and not ‘eww’.”
@Dennis Jimenez:
MW-The Accidentally Fall into the Path of a Subway.
@Guillermo el Chiclero: It depends. Here in Toronto, the CFL doesn’t get much attention anymore. In nearby Hamilton, it’s still popular, and is very big in the Prairie Provinces.
@Al in PDX: @Al in PDX: Especially when it’s so inconsistent with how football is treated in the Funkyverse. Football fields are for band practice! Also, it causes CTE! And high school jocks bully people who like comic books!
Crankshaft definitely pronounces it as “Holla-PEE-NO.”
@JamesBont:
#49. CURTIS: So right. Mom’s creating an impenetrable sense of privilege and entitlement in her younger son. This will be a terrible hindrance in Barry’s adult life. Unless he becomes President.
CS: like me so many other Pluggers, I love and eat all kinds of spicy food. That’s why I buy rolls of Rolaids. Can’t pass them around, sorry, as security gets suspicious.
FG: GIANT RIDING PENGUINS!
JP: I would have
so mucha little bit of respect for Ces if, after Nancy Clueless and friends have leapt to this absurd scenario, which nonetheless is no more absurd than anything else that happens in Judge Parker, it turns out Leah is Mrs Berkrem’s granddaughter, and she’s looking after the house while her grandmother’s on holiday, and Mrs Berkrem just didn’t realise she was supposed to keep the local barista appraised of her movements at all times.HtH: To save time and switch things up a bit, I thought I’d list everything that’s historically accurate in today’s strip. 1) There is some evidence the Vikings had wine.
RMMD: “He was called Spuds because he liked potatoes. I was called Truck because I owned a truck. The bassist was called Rubbish At Coming Up With Nicknames, but I forget why.”
@TheDiva:There is a non-zero chance Mary will say “Just ignore them, and they’ll stop bothering you!” and my laptop-chucking arm is already itching at the prospect.
Yup. Other possibilities include “They’ll back down if you stand up to them!” and “They probably have terrible home lives and you should try to understand why that makes them this way!”
@Guillermo el Chiclero:
…and now blasphemy against scrapple. Shame. Shame!
@Marcus: not “JA-LAP-I-NO” ?
No, Mary. They’re calling you the weirdo.
JP: seems like a good time to take a hiatus from this strip. I guess it’ll take a year or so for this story to pass through the system like a poorly digested lump of potato.
@TheDiva: Heh. Well, I’ll remember that about kale, and I admit I did zero research. On the other hand, I have littlefaith in the Dustin family knowing how to cook hard greens and make them tasty.
@Horace Broon:
Also consider “they’re not your friends if they make fun of you,” and “you’re too special for them.”
@Vanya: You must be careful with the Welsh rarebit. Having hallucinations during the flight would not go well.
I grew up in the Southwest so I was eating spicy food before it became trendy and now I am old and still partake. I see Cranky’s point, but not to the point of giving up all spicy food.
Mary W: “Now Olive’s hanging around with some old Boomer! Gross! Hey, why don’t we have any phones?”
MW – “Ugh! Olive reads that old Robert Crumb-edited underground comix magazine from the 1980s!” Don’t knock it, girls, there’s some good stuff in there.
Does a Bear Plugger scratch his back in the forest?
“And why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?” I think there is also a joke that ends with “Broken Rubber.”
@GarrisonSkunk: Next week: “If you own a backscratcher, you’re a Plugger”.
Between Friends – I did not realize that was the kind of job she was applying for.
@Rube: Pluggers don’t own backscratchers… they marry them.
@Peanut Gallery: You know they’re just agreeing to interview her to establish proof they’re not ageists. Next week they hire the 20-something* at a salary 40% of what they’d have to pay Blonde Friend.
*Interesting bits not all saggy, also too
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: In Fallout: New Vegas at the beginning you’re given a Rorschach Test.
One of the images, looked like two bears high-fiving.
That wasn’t a choice you could say though, sadly. Although a mod was made giving you that option, and the game creators took notice of that, and added a Native American character in the DLC named “Two Bears High-Fiving”
@The Rambling Otter: Link was broken, removed it. Hopefully this works because it was pretty funny in hindsight.
@Astroboy: That’s actually Jared in drag.
@A Grave Mind:
#130 .MW: I was told, “it’s your own fault. Be nicer to them and they’ll be nice to you.”
@Liam: And Jared Fogle – yikes!
@seismic-2: #113: Good comparison to The Godfather but it wasn’t Fredo who set Sonny up to be ambushed at the tollbooth. It was the wifebeater brother-in-law Carlo.
Late Thread Cuisine: O o o o o o!
Late Thread Mary Worth Mashup: WARNING: Contains Olive eye.
@Baja Gaijin:
Congealed Spaghetti-Os and canned sausages. Talk about being spoiled!
@Baja Gaijin: Jellied Spaghetti-O’s ™ ?
@Where’s Rocky?: Wow! A 20byear old cultural reference!!! Do you write for Blondie?
@Baja Gaijin:
#146: rectum rings (heard about it on NPR) in cranberry jello. Topped with baby gall bladders! What a holiday experience. You never fail to amaze us, Baja
@Activist:
Got that one, too, funny how timeless it is
C-Shaft: What’s Jeff smirking about? If Crankshaft has digestive issues due to an overly (read: at all) spicy meal, he’s right in the crossfire.
MW: Even if I’d gotten here in the morning I’d still be late to Josh’s Carrie observation. The bullies do put Olive’s fondness for a senior citizen in a cowlneck in a new light.
@Baja Gaijin: #147
What in the name of all that is holy *is* that monstrosity???
@Daisy:
Of course, my comment was for Baja’s #146, the so-called “edible” thing, not comment #147, with Olive and Mary.
OTOH…
@27 The Rambling Otter: On Spirit Airlines, passengers don’t have to go to the bathroom to “go”. Spirit doesn’t attract the most sophisticated fliers.
@35 I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Bread and water? How about one or more of the recent Late Thread Cuisines?
@38 Little Guy: I did the mashup at #147 before I read your comment. Great minds and all that.
@89 Dennis Jimenez: Ha ha and EWWW.
@126 Marcus: “Crankshaft definitely pronounces it as ‘Holla-PEE-NO.’” Are you sure he doesn’t pronounce it “Jap-a-LEE-no”?
@127 Boomer: I did the mashup at #147 before I read your comment. Great minds and all that.
@148 Anonymous: Yeah, spoiled. It definitely looks spoiled.
@149 Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: Unfortunately yes.
@151 Activist: I think you topped Al’s suggestion.
@152 A Grave Mind: If you get a time machine, I suggest you return to those days and toss this thread’s Late Thread Cuisine on ’em. Serves ’em right.
@154 Daisy: “What in the name of all that is holy *is* that monstrosity???” Mary. Mary Worth.
@155 Daisy: Rectum rings in cranberry Jell-o topped with baby gall bladders!
@Rube: If you use your toilet brush as a backscratcher, you might just be a Plugger….
Pluggers: All the plugger needed is a barky stick.
MW: is “classmates” a new euphemism for “every single living organism in the universe?”
@seismic-2: A good speculation, but there’s one problem. Not that Ces bothered to really make it clear, but I’m confident in saying April is not in Norway at the behest of the CIA, but rather at that of the Son of Pavel, who April’s mother (who’s really most sincerely dead?) blew up a few storylines ago, and who was trying to browbeat her into giving up the McGuffin memory stick.
April might have let Randy *think* she was going to DC on CIA business because he’s so stupid he’ll believe anything wifey says, but this appears to be her doing this strictly on her own. After all, others have noted that she’s so out of practice that she’s making all sorts of mistakes that an active agent would never make.
The stuff about Askel being in on the whole deal, and The Glucas Dead Dad Memorial Charity being somehow connected too? That still tracks.
Luann: It’s not what it looks like, except that it doesn’t look like anything interesting, so it sort of is what it looks like.
RMMD: Some folk’ll never bone Truck’s wife
But then again some folk’ll
Like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel
6C:</b. I appreciate the effort it must have taken to resist actually printing the phrase “downward dog.”
@Baja Gaijin: Just to the right, three boodle rings are clustered such that they form a face of high surprise mixed with terror (and perhaps shame) at being caught in this concoction. Even Spaghetti-Os have their pride.
MW: So Olive’s school nemesises are a blond, a brunette, and a redhead? This Sally Forth cross-over is not as amusing as I thought it would be.
@165 Dr. Pill: What? [looks at image] Ohhh. Great, now I can’t unsee it.
CRANKSHAFT: Heeeey, just a minute, Josh. It has been shown pretty conclusively that spice tolerance has a significant genetic component, and long ago I stopped being “adventurous” and fighting my DNA because the DNA always won. Having serious mouth pain for a considerable time after one small taste of hot pepper or wasabi is not my idea of a nice evening.
@seismic-2: Holy moly, do you also write this kind of stuff?? I can barely keep track of the traditional four suspects in an episode of DEATH IN PARADISE, so I’m kind of in awe, here.
@seismic-2: As I believe I mentioned herein once before…
Can confirm
@ectojazzmage:
monophagous
Nice
<a href="https://joshreads.com/2025/07/problems-of-y
Not even from an oven roaster, Boston Chicken, grocery store rotisserie or 1/4'ed baking chicken? That's amazing
Somebody needs to wake up Josh again.
The sun rises in Los Angeles. Two men, with trench coats, pistols, and cool hats, face each other. Josh thinks: “shit, am I forgetting something?”
And hilariously, I forgot a big something. Gonna be a bad day.
Here’s betting that those three Mary Worth Mean Girls interfered with Josh’s attempted Internet transmission of today’s posting in some way.
I hope Josh updates soon, I need my fix man…