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Hey y’all, your comment of the week in a moment, but first: I know some of you who have contributed to the spring fundraiser haven’t gotten your rewards yet. We ran short of magnets, but: more magnets are in the production process! They are coming soon! You’ll get a double dose for your trouble! Thank you for your patience!

You don’t have to be patient anymore when it comes to this week’s comment of the week:

“Also: Better lines than ‘I Jack-and-Jill’d myself’: 1. I ‘House Of Ushered’ myself. 2. I ‘Guy Who Played Columbo But Don’t Say His First Name Or the letter K’-d myself. 3. ‘I South Dakota’d Myself. You Know, Because Sioux Falls Is There? FALLS? Yes, I’ve been bought off by the South Dakota Tourism Board: South Dakota: Where Life Happens. (© 2015, South Dakota Tourism Board), For more information and travel brochures write to PO Box 9015, Sioux Falls, SD, or visit http://www.southdakota.com‘” –Briane Pagel

And the runners up are hilarious as well!

“Paint the fence white, and nail it shut. Nail it shut? Nail it shut. What does that mean? Is Dennis to nail the gate shut, not only only preventing him from entering but also trapping Wilson inside? ‘Now back to my glorious lifestyle. Trapped, first by old age, second by my loathing for my neighbors, third by an actual fence that bars exit.'” –Bunivasal

“I like the honest, cheery way in which Stan Lee exclaims ‘Excelsior!’ as he ogles the Black Widow’s tits. It’s about time someone acknowledged that this story has been padded out in every possible way.” –Droopy Says

“Every painting should have some emotional connection, dear! Just like every nick in your switchblade and notch in your gun should have some emotional connection. Only a monster kills without feeling.” –Voshkod

“I like the one with the circle of faces all gathered around staring down at something or someone on the floor. Did the bully from the bus punch someone? Is this painting from the perspective of one of Rex’s patients as they have a fatal heart attack? Is it a recovered memory of the tantrums that Sarah threw as a toddler before she developed her ability to mold the world to her will?” –Molly Dolan, on Facebook

“Me, if I was accosted by a dead-eyed wheelchair-bound Funkyite wielding a clipboard featuring a depressingly doomed petition to get an auxiliary character definitely not elected mayor, I would hit them in the face with a shopping bag before they could drag me down to the depths of the void with them and flee, making my way home and telling my family I love them before closing the blinds, picking up a hunting rifle and keeping a watch outside in case they came back for more. And God help me if they do, because you never shoot for central mass with a Winkerbeaner: they’re like zombies (except they’re only dead on the inside), and you have to get them in the head. Or just wait long enough that they die of a fatal disease, of course.” –Jack loves comics

“Leapin’ Lizards! That bully has reptile skin on her legs!” –Joe Momma

“Judging by the way he wields that cane, I think Adam is no longer talking about rekindling his relationship with Terry. I think he’s talking about his burgeoning career as a Vaudevillian tap dancer, single-handedly reviving the artform. That peppermint-striped tie and orange sport coat confirm it.” –Joe Blevins

“Maybe it’s time to hang up the cane, Adam. If the classic ‘Wha’chu Talkin Bout Willis?’ face doesn’t win a woman’s heart, I don’t know what will.” –made of wince

“For our next project, I want you to take over a legacy comic strip I’ve just purchased … about three young ladies in the city. Don’t worry yet about the faces, what they need first are legs.” –Myrtle

“Remember, during a fire you should all stand in the hallway waiting patiently for the elevator! Do not, I repeat, do NOT take the stairs!” –TheDiva

“‘Mr. Handsome’ is not the broad-shouldered, chisel-jawed hunky guy in the tight jeans. ‘Mr. Walker’ is not the one always whining to go outside to relieve himself. They’re kind of like Iceland and Greenland.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“It’ll also take three months for the delivery. Oh, you thought because of my nickname that I’d be faster than other suppliers? No, I’m called King Speedy because I ejaculate prematurely. Did it just now. That’s why I’m so sweaty. Hoo boy. I gotta sit down!” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Dennis spends a lot of time sitting in the corner. Of course he wishes the walls could talk. Or better still, stream video.” –lumaca morente

“I can’t wait to see the headline. ‘SENILE MAN RUNS FOR MAYOR OF SHITTY TOWN! YES, I MEAN THIS ONE!'” –pugfuggly

“He broke the law of gravity? So … what, he fell up? God damn it Batiuk, you have two jobs: wordplay and cancer. If you can’t even get the wordplay right, what am I supposed to do? Hope Brad DeGroot finds a lump or something? Well the joke’s on you pal, I already do that.” –Dan

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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