Friday gripes
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Shoe, 4/25/25
I am almost certainly overthinking this, but as a highly skilled and well-compensated comics blogger it’s my job to overthink it, so: why, and how, is the Perfesser’s fitbit keeping track of Shoe’s thrown fits? Wouldn’t Shoe’s fitbit logically be the device that records his increased heart rate and elevated blood pressure and so forth, and not the fitbit on the wrist of his employee, who’s way on the other side of the room? I can see the appeal of learning the novel word “fitbit” and wanting to immediately work it into a joke in the syndicated newspaper strip you write, but I would suggest doing some cursory research as to how the device with that name works first.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/25/25
I’ve decided to stop being annoyed by the fact that I can’t really peg what the tone here is supposed to be and just be amused by it. Are Summer and Auggie enjoying a friendly chat with a sympathetic old man and getting free stuff while they wait for the cops to show up, or are they terrified while this admitted murderer rambles on about how his whole bloodline has been wiped out before its time, tries to bestow gifts upon them, makes menacing references to various weapons he hasn’t used yet, and reminds them that they’ll soon find themselves in a room with some trigger-happy cops and a guy the cops don’t trust? Who can say!
99 replies to “Friday gripes”
RMMD:
“Oh, one thing, folks! — I anthropomorphize all my inanimate objects to get to know them better. So this fellow here is ‘Francis Scott’ Key!”
Dennis the Menace: the most menacing thing here is the text, which seems to show some deterioration in real time. Dennis’ letterer has finally had enough!
Shoe – And then there’s the past tense bite count….
RMMD – The Death Wish-ilizer Mobile! Up for grabs!! Yippie-Yi-O-Ki-Yay….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
RMMD:
[moments later]:
“Whew! I sure am glad the police came to take him, and that’s behind us. Now, Summer, since I am an English teacher, let’s turn our thoughts to conjugating! — verbs, that is.”
RMMD: Relax! If the first panel is any indication, Auggie and Summer are evidently just in the audience of the latest Quentin Tarantino film, “The Cranky Eight.”
Shoe:
“You know, come to think of it, all of us here are always in a ‘fowl’ mood!”
RMMD. We may not be back to medical drama, but at least we’re back to characters getting unearned gifts from criminals.
RMMD — There was no way the writers could figure out how to have an undeserved gift bestowed on the Morgans so they settled for Morgan-adjacent.
Luann-Geez if only the store had some sort of signage saying what is on each aisle.
RMMD-“I don’t know who the truck belonged to when I stole it.”
FC-Jeffy, turn around and face the other way if you are going to fertilize the vegetables.
MW-I see the next ‘Ask Wendy’ column.
RMMD: Wait, it’s the MORGANS who are supposed to get free stuff!
Luann: Do the Evansii genuinely believe that Luann and Bernice are good friends despite the fact that Bernice is incapable of not being a passive aggressive bitch and Luann has the emotional maturity of a four year old?
MW: The fact that Dawn keeps a picture of her father on her nightstand is starting to make me side with Belle.
Shoe: “He was in the mood for fowl last night but didn’t get any.”
RMMD: “Officer, before you run this man in, can we just pop down to the BMV real quick?”
MW: Poor Dawn is finally right and no one will listen. When Belle is finally arrested, Dawn is entitled to a HUGE “I told you so!” If she survives, that is.
9CL: “Here lie the pitiful remains of Amos’s cojones.”
SHOE: So, WizbirdCon is in town? If not, then WHY?
@Liam: Well, Luann has no reading comprehension and Bernice has been chugging the Carnation Instant Bitch so neither one is going to bother looking up.
@MKay: Maybe if Dawn mentioned that she was being forced to try and eat Belle’s food instead of complaining about how she can’t sit on her dad’s lap and play with his combover, people will take her seriously instead of rolling their eyes about her Electra complex.
In the Shoe world, Fitbit sounds like the kind of tiny bird that sits in a rhinoceros’ ear. Kinda fits, though; “Hey, Peewee. Stop picking nits for a minute and tell me how many times the boss has lost his shit today.
RMMD: You do realize that the truck will be impounded as evidence and gone over with a fine tooth comb. Augie and Summer may not want the truck after forensics are through with it. Plus, they’ll still have to do a title transfer with a bill of sale.
RMMD: And come to think of it, I’ve got some Apple stock, the deed to a cottage in Portugal, and several caches of gold buried in Florida. We should have plenty of time before the cops get here, let me sketch you a map…
RMMD: Two years later, Summer and Augie get a bill from the impound yard when the cops release the truck as evidence. “That’ll be $11,000.00, please.”
Josh’s question about Rex Morgan is the same one I have about Mary Worth: what the hell is the tone of this?
Is Belle supposed to be some kind of wacky murderer, like Michael Palin in A Fish Called Wanda? Is it an over-the-top joke, like the Scary Movie franchise, which is just about acting out tropes and making references? Is this a murder mystery, where we’re supposed to be figuring out Belle’s motive? Is Dawn and Wilbur’s obliviousness the joke? Is this another “Wilbur gets scammed” story? Is it another Aldo Kelrast story, where Someone Actually Dies and we’re supposed to take it seriously?
Shoe – I have to wonder if at one point decades ago the syndicate’s censors had to sit down the creative team and explain that pedometers are a step tracker, and no, you cannot make a Chris Hansen joke with the pun based on a misunderstanding.
Rex Morgan, MD – The creative staff at Red Morgan, MD worked too hard learning to draw a Ford F150 extended cab to just throw away those acquired skills.
Shoe: So Josh bit on a Fitbit bit where the Fitbit didn’t fit the bit. Is that it?
@Banana Jr. 6000: Either way, this story is dragging on for far longer than it should, especially because Dawn is the kind of protagonist that makes vanilla look like cookie dough with how dull and boring she is. Nobody is invested in her perspective and she can’t even say what bothers her without sounding like she’s jealous about her dad paying attention to someone who isn’t her. Even Wilbur’s “heroic” actions are forced nonsense since the entire situation is entirely his fault for giving a woman he barely knows his full address. Both Westons are idiots that we’re expected to root for since we know Moy won’t kill off her prized pig and Dawn is too useless to have any kind of emotional impact.
Luann: These two morons are going to starve to death while surrounded by food.
Or, maybe they’ll walk out of the store, with a single can of creamed corn (all they can afford), look around blankly, then turn to the nearest stranger and ask ‘Do you know where we live?’ (credit to an ad for ‘The Sarah Silverman Show’ for giving me this idea).
Crankshaft: Has the Beetle really fallen so far out of social conscience that the artist had to move the ‘VW’ logo to the front of the hood (when it was always at the top directly under the windshield) so people would know Pam and whatsisface first got frisky (blech…..) in a Volkswagen?
MW: Ahh, so it’ll be Belle in the Bedroom with the MyPillow! Cue the crazy eyes!!
@Guts Dozier: ‘Da money’s buried under a big double-ya! Ya can’t miss it! A big double-ya!!’
MW: Much like everything in this strip, this phone call lasted one day too long…
RMMD – “You’ll take the truck? Great! I just happen to have the title here in my pocket. You think the cops will let us stop at a notary and tags place on the way to jail?”
Just when you think it couldn’t get more pedestrian, Rex Morgan, M.D. decides to address police-involved shootings. “Fourteen…fifteen…call it sixteen. See you tomorrow, Officer?”
RMMD: If you have to offer incentives to get people to stay during your murder confession it is way too long and rambled, sir.
“My God, I’ve discovered the pattern to these crimes!”
“Is it the lunar calendar, Sarge? The Zodiac?”
“No…Toyotathon…these sickos.”
Don Abundio, translated:
“What’s all that racket?”
“The boss is training flocks of birds to come to him”
“Has he always been such a bird lover?”
“Well, he’s really more of a Hitchcock fan”
@Needless Exposition: #15: Just pushing food on people isn’t even that suspicious. Now, if Belle knocks Dawn down, plants a knee on her chest and force-feeds her, now THAT’S a red flag.
Also Shoe: I see the Treetop Tattler‘s pivot to video is working as well as anywhere else.
MW: Again, did we miss the strip where it was explained that Batts Belfrey has now moved in permanently?
RMMD: “I’ll also tell them glove compartment is blocked by those crates of C-4.”
Shoe: “Has he been in this fowl mood all day?” “Well, yeah. He’s a bird, isn’t he?”
RMMD: You or I might say that truck is “evidence” in a “murder case”. But luckily the Stalker-Stalker knows the ancient legal precedent of findus keepus. The police are powerless to seize crucial evidence if the murderer just gives it away to some random strangers.
Shoe – If my employees showed up for work dressed as Wizard of Id characters, I’d be throwing fits as well.
@astroboy: It’s only been three days in the Worthiverse. It just feels like longer for those of us subjected to it.
@Weaselboy: I believe Wiz is an outside contractor.
Dustin: Ha haaaa, even the nerdy-looking girls are shooting him down.
JP: Sam tries to comfort Sophie. “I understand, sweetheart. I get it. It’s just your time of the month.” She breaks his nose with a water glass.
MW: Dawn has a photo of Wilbur on her nightstand, but it’s facing away from her. Man, this is some screwed-up stuff.
GT: Welcome back to Henry Barajas’ Mystery Theater, where the observant reader might be puzzled as to whether “Emily” and “Mimi” are the same person. And if they are, why does this woman have two interchangeable names that are used in the VERY SAME PANEL? Because if Henry thinks readers have memorized every character’s primary and alternate identity in his haphazardly disappearing and reappearing story lines, he is as mentally deficient as we all suspect he is.
Since when does Shoe get angry? My taxonomy of comic bosses is: Dithers is angry, Foofram is downtrodden, Shoe is heavy-lidded and sarcastic and leering and naked except for sneakers and a walking HR “don’t do this” training manual in every way except for throwing tantrums at his underlings.
Shoe should just record his rants and publish them as a video-editorial or a podcast. Sure, it will poison democracy, but the boat has already sailed!
@MKay: Considering how Dawn downplayed her own domestic abuse when she was the victim, it wouldn’t surprise me if she thought Belle was just “having a bad day” after shoving her in the hallway.
MW: Understandably, Dawn doesn’t want to go into the constant crop-dusting she receives from Belle. It’s Belle’s homage to North by Northwest.
FC: I could kill him and bury him in the garden, and no one would be the wiser, Thel muses.
Dustin: Oof. I haven’t been dating in over 30 years, and I could tell you that is an awful pickup line.
People doing dirty work, leaving freebies and dying is a typical “Rex Morgan MD” but usually the beneficiary were the Morgans. I guess it was too much even for them: “Sorry, we got enough children, enough houses and enough murders!”
Shoe-Well he is a fowl.
Mary Worth: So Cathy’s advice to Dawn is “It would be inconvenient to acknowledge this threat so you should ignore it!” She’d literally be better off talking to Mary.
Luann: Bernice definitely strikes me as someone who doesn’t know where the salsa is.
CS: Pam realized
30 4050 years too late she was being compared to star farts.9CL: “Now is probably a good time to let you know that Seth is your father.”
Family Circus: When a 3-year old child squats like that they are definitely taking a poop.
Hi and Lois: Has Chip’s garage band ever done anything outside of the garage? I don’t think it even has a name.
Beetle Bailey: Haha Sarge is obese and Beetle doesn’t like him very much.
CS “Jeff, remember when you didn’t have any trouble getting it up?”
“Oh yeah? Remember when your boobs didn’t fall into your armpits!”
“Why you son of a bitch, turn this car around right now and take me home.”
“With pleasure!”
RMMD “Here, you can have my truck. Oh, and here are my house keys; you can have the house too. Bills are due around the 15th of every month. There’s plenty of food in the fridge. And here’s my checkbook and passbook savings account. They’re yours.” Later, the Glenwood police arrest Augie for robbery.
GT panel 3: “Good night Gilbert.”
Panel 4: “Good night Sullivan.”
@Pozzo: RMMD: Relax! If the first panel is any indication, Auggie and Summer are evidently just in the audience of the latest Quentin Tarantino film, “The Cranky Eight.”
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Hey, that’s a good idea. We could have two silhouettes superimposed over the comics, making rude comments about them, like Mystery Science Theater 3000.
@Inspector Gotcha: (CS) “M’lady!”
CS: Hey Jeff, you’re supposed to put the peace symbol over where the VW logo goes, not haphazardly stick it wherever.
@MKay: RMMD: “Officer, before you run this man in, can we just pop down to the BMV real quick?”
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Is the BMV like the DMV in Texas?
DT: Now we know who was really using that toothbrush!
MW: OK – so the set up and deliberate ending seems leading to some type of night assault
RMMD: Now for the real twist, Angry dad didn’t just want to take down McStalker, but also Augie. His daughter also had a bad time with an English teacher – so he takes out McStalker and lays the trail to blame Augie.
I’m no American (yet, elbows up!) but you can’t just give someone a truck, can you? There is still registration stuff that needs to be done. And that’s just putting aside that it’s evidence. Besides, he might get arrested by Slylock Fox and be out in three days to concoct another wacky scheme.
RMMD – Given the cost of “aging in place”, spending your final years in jail isn’t a terrible idea. Sure, it’s bare-bones, but you have meals, a bed, and medical care. You have a ready-made peer group, access to religious services and a library. Yes, taxpayers are footing the bill, but the same was true of Medicare/Medicaid – so, I don’t know – I think this guy has a pretty solid plan.
“I’ll tell the police to grab the gun in the glove compartment. I’d better tell them to get the 20 pounds of meth out of the wheel well, too. Oh, and the assault rifle under the passenger seat. Can’t forget to mention the endangered tree frogs I was smuggling. Under the driver’s seat, I think? They’ll probably see the two tons of diesel fuel and fertilizer in the bed that I was going to use to blow up the stalker’s convention at the Ramada down on Route 9.”
@Lord Flatulence: #53 Yep
RMMD: It wouldn’t be a Rex Morgan story if Rex or a Rex adjacent person did not receive something for free.
@Tabby Lavalamp: Depends on the state, but you’d actually be surprised by how simple it is, at least for the seller, as long as there’s no lien holder on the vehicle. I sold my sister my old car in Texas, and all I had to do was print off and fill out a couple of forms.
@Guillermo el chiclero:
CS: Hey Jeff, you’re supposed to put the peace symbol over where the VW logo goes, not haphazardly stick it wherever.
Hey, “Haphazardly stick it wherever” was also Jeff’s strategy when he was on these solo car dates
*with Pam, so don’t knock it, because it EVENTUALLY worked and produced a Max&Mindy!*Why didn’t Batiuk shoehorn the term here? Davis’ art was feeding him the line!RMMD: I don’t know what the protocol is for managing the effects/estate of a terminally ill man expecting to die in prison, but I’m pretty sure “he said I could keep it” wouldn’t hold up in probate court.
This is just about the best Rex Morgan plotline, it’s even better than the one where “Mud turns into Fergus because of Rene in disguise”. The only disappointing part is that Augie is such a gentleman.
Phantom: “Knock, knock! Excuse me, folks, Bangallan Safety Inspector here. I couldn’t help but notice you are still using open-flame lighting! That’s a big no-no, especially with all these billowing bed hangings! I’d recommend you switch to LED fixtures. Would also improve the (cough) air quality in here. We don’t want you two to end up as hot flaming skeletons! hahaha A little Safety Inspector humor there.
And did you remember to turn off that geothermal waterfall? You really should install an automatic shut-off on that. Did you know that could save you money on your home insurance premiums? Well, you folks get back to whatever you were doing… hey, fellow! Don’t look at me like that! Your eyes!! GAAAAHHHH!”
If I had to spend all day with an employee who kept making unfunny puns, I’d be in a very bad mood too.
CS: If there was any song the peace-sign bedecked Beetle-driving kids loved, it was Hoagy Carmichael’s Stardust. Why, it singlehandedly launched the Paul Whiteman revival of 1968-1972.
BG&SS: Loweezy’s mom grew up in a company-owned town, and her dad was paid in
US currencycompany scrip. Loweezy doesn’t know how good she’s got it.Luann: Geez, it’s salsa. I’m not expecting her to find baking powder or cocktail sauce, but the idea that Luann has never bought snack foods is a stretch.
H&L: Chip selling what must be his only guitar pick is a strange way to start their own Gift of the Magi, but I will tune in tomorrow.
C’shaft: “The cosmos is within us. We are all made of star-stuff. We are a way for the universe to know itself”–Elegant, philosophical, straddles the line between the scientific and the spiritual
“You are one spectacular collection of stardust!”–Clunky, cheesy, the sort of thing a nerdy loser would say when he thinks he’s being suave
Dustin: Can you build up an immunity to pepper spray? Asking for someone who has definitely been hit with it before now, and will again.
JP: No, no, Sophie, Sam is saying “you must hate me,” as in you have a moral obligation to find him loathsome and repugnant, and frankly I can’t understand why you don’t.”
Luann: Here’s a hint: you’re not going to find salsa in the dairy case.
MW: What’s weird is nobody’s even asked how long Belle intends to be in town, either as a polite conversation topic or as a not-too-gentle hint that she’s not welcome. They’ve just accepted that she’s a part of their lives indefinitely, and just have to live (or in Dawn’s case, die) with it.
Phantom: “I’m asking you to take deliberate steps to prevent an undesirable prophecy from coming to pass, a course of action which is always successful and never, ever backfires!”
@Bob Tice: No, the truck’s named Francis Scott, and this is the Francis Scott Key.
CS: The ghosts of Hoagy Carmichael and Carl Sagan pull Jeff out of the car and pummel him unmercifully.
How beneficial are the casters on Shoe’s office chair in “room” that has no Z-axis?
@Needless Exposition: Either way, this story is dragging on for far longer than it should.
Oh, it’s going to drag on a LOT longer.
@Cleveland Mocks: Normally I’m sympathetic to Dustin, because at least he tries. But after THAT pick-up line, I would have maced him too.
@taig:
She certainly lusted after him enough!
Red Morgan, M.D.: Augie: “And. . .gee, I almost hate to bring it up. . .but, well, you’re not going to really need that jacket in prison, are you? Also, I could use a new belt. . .what size are you?”
@lynn: wait, wait, wait, we still have a chance.
Augie: I don’t want a car belonging to a killer…
Summer: I agree, what would the neighbours think?
Augie: Let’s give the car to the next person we see.
Summer: Isn’t it your annual check-up today?
RMMD – See, this is one of those secret initiations like Skull and Bones or the Jackson Hole Air Force where you simply go about your business over time while others surreptitiously monitor you until one day, there’s a tap on your shoulder and you are officially deemed worthy. In Summer’s case, she has graduated to the ranks of Morgan-Parker-Drivers, and is bestowed with the token of her first expensive free stuff. Which frankly, needed to happen because the club has been lacking an attractive forty-ish blonde ever since that billionaire widow stopped showing up.
@Hibbleton: #19: To say nothing of what the Ford dealership service department will charge to put it back together and get it in running condition. The gas in the tank would’ve turned into varnish in those couple of years, requiring a chemical flush of the entire fuel system.
@Banana Jr. 6000: Your questions have so much more thought put into them, than the actual writing of the comic itself.
@Lord Flatulence: Yes.
It’s Bureau of Motor Vehicles in one state and Department (or Division) of Motor Vehicles in another.
Like how in Minnesota, it’s Driving Under the Influence and in Wisconsin, it’s Just Another Friday Night.
FC: What flowers? This is the stuff Daddy likes to smoke to unwind.
Luann: This taking place in Southern California I can’t believe there’s not an entire aisle devoted to Mexican/Hispanic foods.
Luann: Maybe Tommy from Mary Worth will be stocking that day and they can ask him.
Luann: I know that grocery stores in California sell hard liquor. Has it ever been established if Luann and company are of legal drinking age?
Six Chex And A Cat Named Jimmy Durante In Search Of A Punchline: “Wizard, we gotta talk about your nose re-growing potion.”
Arlo & Janis – Mr. Jive and I thought we were sophisticated when we ordered Yago sangria in a restaurant when we were first married.
Sherman’s Lagoon – Dogs are good!
9CL – That’s what Mummy wants him to think.
Breaking Cat News – I like the interrogator shining the light in Elvis’s face.
Mary Worth – @Needless Exposition: Speaking of photos, neither Wilbur nor Dawn has noticed that Belle defaced the father-daughter photo, which indicates that no one has gone near it or moved it since Belle moved in. I didn’t think it was possible that someone would dust less frequently than I do.
Rex Morgan – If they’re Triple A members, they can stop at the local AAA office and have the title notarized free. The police will still impound the truck as evidence.
RMMD: Like the Roman soldiers at the Crucifixion the Glendale cops will roll dice for Daddy McStrangler’s possessions.
@Guillermo el chiclero: They wouldn’t be able to afford it.
“….and please be sure my truck gets donated to CARS FOR MORGANS™”
Rex Morgan: So, like, did Stalker Guy actually kill this old dude’s daughter? Because frankly what little we saw of Stalker Guy did not exactly scream that he was competent or physically capable enough to kill anyone. That and, y’know, he was walking around free like it was no big deal. Sorry if this question was answered by one of the previous boring exposition strips and I forgot about it, but I honestly find this Stalker Strangler Old Man to be far creepier and more menacing than the stalker he “heroically” murdered while the man was sleeping in his car.
Pluggers: The formulas buzzing around in Katt-Mann’s are actually real scientific stuff, which indicate that he’s been learning quantum mechanics. Elementary quantum mechanics. No wonder he’s baffled! You have to take it twice and teach it once before you understand.
So, Stalker Guy kills Strangler Guy’s daughter.
Strangler Guy kills Stalker Guy.
Stalker Guy’s Son tries to kill Strangler Guy in the courtroom by leaping over a table towards him to strangle him by the neck before being restrained by baliffs, but one of the baliffs gets knocked over in the scuffle and suffers a life-threatening head injury.
Baliff’s Daughter gets revenge on Stalker Guy’s Son by going to his house and killing him in the shower.
Stalker Guy’s Son’s Ex-Wife Twice removed gets revenge on Baliff’s Daughter by…
The Perfessors “Fitbit” is the bit he does where he dramatically clicks his tongue and shakes his head solemnly while adding a mark to the office whiteboard every time Shoe has a fit, and it’s directly responsible for two of today’s five.
@The Rambling Otter: This is pretty much what Quinton Tarantino envisioned his hypothetical Kill Bill sequels. Just an unending cycle of revenge over and over and over.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV:
To wit: if the bit don’t fit, you must requite
RMMD: Now, hold on, everybody. That truck just might be a piece of shit.
FG: Sorry, Dale. As a Yale undergraduate, Flash and his pals’ greatest amusement was pounding nerds just like these two.
@Bob Tice:
Named after the bridge that collapsed in a stunning (and lethal) fashion.
SHOE:. Good grief, Shoe, look at the two of you. You both SHOULD be in a fowl mood.
DT: What I love about Costello is the fascinating dichotomy where early in the story the detectives somehow know instinctively what plot points are relevant, and then by the end they’re astonished by revelations that they’ve already worked out. There was no reason to ask the DoD to check the prints except that the evidence has been piling up that this was actually the body of an ex-military homeless guy known as the Sergeant. So I don’t know why Lizz is surprised that the DoD didn’t identify the body as Horace Piltdown, a man whose fingerprints we have no reason to believe the DoD even have on record.
JP: “Anyway, are we all ready to order?”
MW: What’s hilarious/tragic is that there are any number of clear, concrete reasons for Dawn to feel uncomfortable around Belle even without knowing she’s trying to kill her, but if a Weston was capable of seeing even the biggest and reddest of flags, Moy would lose half her storylines.
@Horace Broon: I can understand Lassie when she barked for help better than I can understand Dawn saying everything except the actual problem.
Why wouldn’t Perfesser react to Shoe’s tantrums with an increased heart rate and elevated blood pressure ?
@Guillermo el chiclero: LUANN: They’re 19 and it looks like they’ll stay that way forever so Greg can keep doing “teens, amiright?” jokes.
SHOE- I think the bit is that the fitbit bits the fits