Metapost: Summer’s end COTW
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Forget the equinox: We all know September and the school year herald the end of summer as we know it. So enjoy this last pre-fall comment of the week:
“Milford and the local athletic conference play by modified rules of football, where ‘getting your nose’ of your opponent is worth extra points. This is because sports is more valued than education, so a good percentage of players don’t have object permanence.” –Philip
These runners up? Also summery fun!
“I have three big questions: 1) Why does she speak in yellow bubbles? 2) Why did she stop by the dorm just to do her lipstick in a floor length mirror and then leave again? 3) Who taught Greg Evans the phrase ‘don’t yuck my yum’ and how do we bring them to justice?” –the autumn and the scarlet, on BlueSky
“I guess this is supposed to be a romantic setting — but the ominous canopy of pure-black trees in the daylight suggests we’re getting to the part of the movie where a pair of hormonal teens will be axe-murdered by inbred monster-folk as soon as they start getting frisky.” –BigTed
“Hi is 39 and Lois must be around the same age. She was a teenager around the turn of the millennium, so she should not know anything about handwritten letters. She should encourage her son to call the girl, text using a ton of abbreviations to stay within characters limit, or go to AOL messaging.” –Ettorre
“Do you think the artist for Beetle Bailey understands that Sarge wears a tie, and not a pair of disconnected triangles, the upper one attached to his neck, the other hovering ominously below? Or has it been reduced to mere symbolism, a icon of an early forgotten age?” –Voshkod
“The Marvin team shows, yet again, that they have never cared for — or, possibly, met — a toddler. There’s no joke in this comment, out of respect for the Marvin team, which clearly subscribes to some sort of devoutly anti-humor and anti-natalist cult or sect.” –a.
“You’re in Dustin, Dustin. Nobody knows any good jokes.” –Francisco Arrowroot
“Don’t do it, Dustin! It’s a trick, intended solely to humiliate you!” –The Breathtaking Bonehead Brothers
“Lois is momentarily caught off guard by the realization that this couple is so in sync that they’re finishing each other’s sentences. She had forgotten that married life was not miserable for everyone, at least not at first. She shook herself and steeled her jaw. One more sale; that was all she needed. One more commission, and she could afford to start over, alone, someplace far away…” –Guts Dozier
“How about ‘neuters,’ which is what the woman is going to do to you when she gets that poem.” –TheDiva
“Cody is still sitting in his car because he’s also had a heart attack … and he’s dead. Jonah’s last words as he seeks his help: ‘You good for nothing little…’ Cut to Rex doing an autopsy on the two boys which, all things considered, is not a bad way to wrap up this story arc. ‘It’s never too late to connect with loved ones, or not.’ He smirks.” –Hibbleton
“Alice, that is not a purse. That is a teabag. Which makes me wonder if her real problem is that she boiled her purse and drank it. We can only imagine what potent cocktail of psychedelics and narcotics were in there.” –Schroduck
“I would be a daily reader of a version of Rex Morgan, M.D. in which every week is spent on a rando yelling at a regular cast member about how much they hate them before being mercifully taken out by some medical condition, free from ever having to interact with them again. I mean, I’m already a daily reader of Rex Morgan, M.D., but at least then my behavior would make sense to me.” –Drew Funk
“Nah, no worries, Andy Bear just noticed his kangaroo wife has swapped out the Zest for Coast, and he is confused. And yet, PUMPED.” –A Grave Mind
“Cuzzin could always date Dee Snider, lead singer of Twistedfer Sistofer.” –astroboy
“True story: When I woke up this morning the word ‘Mistofer’ was bouncing around my head, and I couldn’t remember where it was from — Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats, maybe? — and then I came to this website and had a horrible self-discovery.” –matt w
“Grandma Nutmeg knows a thing or two: that before robots, men spoke of golems and homunculii, almost-humans conceived and born deep in the uncanny valley. She knows that the origins of the word robot itself are from Old Church Slavonic — the one and true Christian liturgical language — and its term for servitude, and that every servant from the angels downward has the potential for rebellion. She knows that the cybernetic man, like all men, has a penchant for sticking his d*ck where it does not belong and should feel the hot sting of shame no less than any man.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
“Mr. Wilson’s retort to his wife is a cranky, mean-spirited remark so devoid of any wordplay or even the barest attempt at humor that it actually receives a rare negative score on what comic scientists refer to as the Crankshaft Quotient.” –Chance
“What the fuck is Jeff eating? Are those leaves? It would explain why Marvin and the cushion appear to be covered in flies, but that’s pretty much as expected.” –Rosstifer
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22 replies to “Metapost: Summer’s end COTW”
Congratulations on the CotW, Philip! Congrats to all the other honorees.
Wow, thanks Josh! (Or, is this an elaborate setup with which you will humiliate us?)
@The Breathtaking Bonehead Brothers: No humiliation, but you are now expected to wash his car for the next week.
Congratulations to all!
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Old School Allie Cat
August 25th, 2025 at 6:55 am Reply
It’s Monday, and everyone’s either shitting on or being shat upon.
Hibbleton
August 25th, 2025 at 6:04 am Reply
Marvin: Shouldn’t the focus be on whichever of Marvin’s parents realizes because of traffic they won’t be able to dump the little package of joy at preschool before he drops his own package?
taig
August 25th, 2025 at 6:32 am Reply
Marvin: He does look like he’s shit himself.
Luann: Masters of
missed erectionmisdirection!FC: “An’ then I would have been all, ‘Cowabunga, dude!’ and ‘Eat my shorts!’”
Liam
August 25th, 2025 at 6:19 am Reply
FC-“How long do you think PJ is going to keep rolling like that?”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Needless Exposition
August 25th, 2025 at 6:23 am Reply
MW: If Moy can drag out an inane phone conversation for most of the week, then she can drag out Olive getting her undeserved accolades from Little Orphan Knockoff and Cafe Latte (Spicy Latina has been whitewashed with the brush of friendship).
TheDiva
August 25th, 2025 at 6:33 am Reply
MW: Naomi’s Kermit-scrunch face is a perfect depiction of my reaction to this nonsense.
Charterstoned
August 25th, 2025 at 5:01 am Reply
MW: “You should HANG OUT with us sometime.” Vicki issues a vague invitation for some kind of social get-together in the murky future in a location as yet undetermined to do nothing in particular with a group that includes at least one stubbornly unwilling and overtly hostile participant. “I’d LIKE that!”
Ettorre
August 25th, 2025 at 4:29 am Reply
“Her profile says that she loves to laugh”. Then she shouldn’t be in the nationally syndicated “Dustin” comic strip!
BigTed
August 25th, 2025 at 7:18 am Reply
Dustin: “Here’s something funny — my teenage sister handles my personal finances!” “What, is she a ‘Young Sheldon’ genius type or something?” “No, it’s more that I’m an idiot.”
Voshkod
August 25th, 2025 at 7:27 am Reply
Do you think the artist in Beetle Bailey understands that Sarge wears a tie, and not a pair of disconnected triangles, the upper one attached to his neck, the other hovering ominously below? Or has it been reduced to mere symbolism, a icon of an early forgotten age?
matt w
August 25th, 2025 at 4:54 am Reply
Sarge: After a bird poops on you, don’t look up. Does the army not teach the troops about double tap strikes?
Dan
August 25th, 2025 at 4:42 am Reply
I guess about three weeks ago a King’s Features editor showed up to work for the first time in eight years, squinted briefly at the phrase “That bird just pooped on my head,” frowned disapprovingly and pulled out a red pen.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Arabella
August 25th, 2025 at 8:48 am Reply
RMMD: Do we move on to Truck and Wanda’s wedding now, or is Cody going to mull for a week about how he should have listened to Lorna? At the rate this story is unfolding, Jonah will not get his organ donation from Cody before the family Thanksgiving get-together. I’m going to say it will be Christmas. Maybe Easter.
MKay
August 25th, 2025 at 5:02 am Reply
RMMD: “…But, maybe if I personally deliver a muffin basket, he’ll change his mind.”
GT: “While Coach Thorp is busy perfecting his intrepid hero pose, the entire team has fallen into a sinkhole!”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Baja Gaijin
August 25th, 2025 at 4:25 am Reply
Pluggers: Wouldn’t the panel work better with the caption if he was holding, I dunno, A WALLET?!!?
Dave
August 25th, 2025 at 5:29 am Reply
Pluggers: You’re a plugger if you forgot you used the exact same joke about “Facebook” last week.
Horace Broon
August 25th, 2025 at 9:42 am Reply
Pluggers: Huh, exact same caption as last week, different (and less successful) execution, and completely different thanks box. Does the Chief Plugger just make these names up?
pugfuggly
August 26th, 2025 at 4:35 am Reply
Dustin I feel like this is the first third of a handout on workplace harassment.
TheDiva
August 26th, 2025 at 5:21 am Reply
Dustin: How about “neuters,” which is what the woman is going to do to you when she gets that poem.
Old School Allie Cat
August 26th, 2025 at 6:53 am Reply
When first I met you at Hooters
You gave me the quivering fits
Be done with your Bubbas, your Earls, and your Scooters
Come over and show me your… menu.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Lord Flatulence
August 26th, 2025 at 5:39 am Reply
Gil Thorp: He’s passing the football using the well known “I’m a little teapot” stance.
Hibbleton
August 26th, 2025 at 6:23 am Reply
FC: Billy continues; and if you’re really bad they put you in the ‘gas chamber’ which smells worse than when Daddy goes to the bathroom!”
taig
August 26th, 2025 at 6:43 am Reply
FC: PJ is perfectly fine with that, as long as it gets him away from the other melonheads.
Searching for morcock
August 26th, 2025 at 5:00 pm Reply
FC: Anyone caught playing grabass gets a night in the box.
Hibbleton
August 26th, 2025 at 6:29 am Reply
MW: May does her once-a-year crawl out of the isolation chamber and learns of Ghislaine Maxwell.
“Oh, Fuck…”
Charterstoned
August 26th, 2025 at 8:29 am Reply
MW: Olive’s parents, still basking in the afterglow of afternoon delight, hear of the trip to Museum and suddenly realize what a great idea it would be if Olive were homeschooled. By Mary. In Santa Royale.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Liam
August 26th, 2025 at 6:29 am Reply
Blondie-You should see what she makes for National Blowjob Day.
lynn
August 27th, 2025 at 4:47 am Reply
MW: Mary must have had a great teaching opportunity when they stopped to admire that statue. “Maybe don’t mention this to your parents.”
Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
August 27th, 2025 at 4:56 am Reply
Mary Worth: “. . . And ignore penises.”
Ukulele Ike
August 27th, 2025 at 7:17 am Reply
MW: ”For instance, the penis on that statue is terribly small. If you’re ever with a man who isn’t any larger than that, you should point and laugh.”
MKay
August 27th, 2025 at 4:58 am Reply
MW: Mary is piling on the crap big time. Olive’s “gift” must be transforming gibberish into profundity.
RMMD: Of course, the ” feel good” edict dictates that Cody is the savior and Jonah repents and loves him forever. But is anyone going to point out that Cody CAUSED the whole thing? Noooo.
TheDiva
August 27th, 2025 at 6:56 am Reply
RMMD: Please, if incandescent rage was enough to trigger a heart attack, social media would have taken out half the populace a long time ago. Hell, the Cracker Barrel incident alone would have wiped out Xwitter’s remaining users.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
ValdVin
August 27th, 2025 at 7:27 am Reply
FC: The kids aren’t old enough for Scared Straight, but they’re just the right age for Scared Shitless. And we’re not only talking about PJ.
Victor Von
August 27th, 2025 at 6:02 am Reply
Gil Thorp: It’s probably good that Fox News doesn’t cover Milford football. They’d definitely accuse him of making gang signs with those square-ass fingers.
That said, I like the “MILF” jersey he’s wearing in panel 3. The under-the-uniform body stocking that exactly matches his skin color? Not a good look.
Little Blue Bicycle
August 27th, 2025 at 7:55 am Reply
GT: “This year’s Milford Mudlarks are wearing ads from their new sponsors, MILF, instead of numbers. Do you like older women? The moms of football players or coaches’ girl friends? School principals? Check out MILF, only for adults over 18.”
Philip
August 27th, 2025 at 6:00 am Reply
Gil Thorp – Milford and the local athletic conference play by modified rules of football, where “getting your nose” of your opponent is worth extra points. This is because sports is more valued than education, so a good percentage of players don’t have object permanence.
Ettorre
August 27th, 2025 at 7:33 am Reply
Marty Moon was about to say “Whip, put a crown of thorns and crucify Lucas Martin, because he just saved Milford!” but he managed to avoid this at the last minute and avoid being fired. Sobriety has its advantages!
MKay
August 28th, 2025 at 4:58 am Reply
RMMD: This plot would have a smoother flow if Cody had established himself as having even a little first aid knowledge. What’s he going to do, bash Jonah in the sternum with a banjo?
Treetown
August 28th, 2025 at 5:48 am Reply
RMMD: Please let it be gas pain and Jonah will let out a great belch just as Cody comes up to try to do CPR!
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
astroboy
August 28th, 2025 at 5:00 am Reply
MW: “I want to learn from the world…how remarkable, gifted, amazing and special I am. Mary, how do you say ‘Olive is remarkably gifted, amazing and special’ in French?”
cheech wizard
August 28th, 2025 at 5:02 am Reply
MW – “Maybe when I’m older, I’ll travel outside of New York to study! I want to be painted like these French girls.”
LTJpezcore1
August 28th, 2025 at 5:27 am Reply
MW: High on the list of things I shouldn’t be surprised by is that whatever possible storyline Moy/Brigman choose, it will absolutely be the most boring one. And yet here I am. Surprised again.
That really makes me the doofus, not them, I’m willing to acknowledge.
Professor Well Actually
August 28th, 2025 at 5:53 am Reply
MW: I have a strange urge to tell Creepy Mary to fuck herself. I apologize.
Needless Exposition
August 28th, 2025 at 6:19 am Reply
@Professor Well Actually: You should only apologize if you yourself want to get into her Depends. Telling her she should go fuck herself is a very normal reaction because I feel that way about her and the rest of the non-animal cast.
Ettorre
August 28th, 2025 at 5:24 am Reply
I mean, you can throw in the trash a newspaper full of faecal bacteria, but you can’t do the same with a smartphone — though you should! I have to hand this victory to Pluggers
Rube
August 28th, 2025 at 5:40 am Reply
You’re a Plugger if you’re convinced that people are interested in your bathroom habits.
Little Blue Bicycle
August 28th, 2025 at 6:34 am Reply
Plug: As a true plugger, Andy Bear was an Elvis fan and can never forget his last words, “I’m going to the bathroom to read.” The constipation is real.
Little Guy
August 28th, 2025 at 6:49 am Reply
Pluggers: Volume of the encyclopedia. “U-V” for a short time, “M” if it’s going to be a while.
BigTed
August 28th, 2025 at 7:48 am Reply
Pluggers: Of course he doesn’t take his phone into the bathroom — the screen’s been cracked since 2017, and a single drop of water will make it stop working forever. (Millennial plugger joke!)
cheech wizard
August 28th, 2025 at 7:50 am Reply
Pluggers – He’s got that expression because the door is open and, after 30 years of matrimony, Rabbit Lady no longer cares if he sees her taking a shit or not. Which is about as Plugger as it gets, come to think of it.
Charterstoned
August 29th, 2025 at 5:21 am Reply
MW: Setting aside the fact that Mary is inviting Olive to fly back to Santa Royale without first asking her parents if it’s okay; and setting aside the fact that Olive goes to school, so a mini-vacation would make her miss a shitload of classes; and setting aside the fact that Charterstone is populated with older, creepy, dysfunctional misfits who wouldn’t know what to do with a 14-year-old girl that wasn’t illegal in every state but Florida: Mary’s plan for Olive sounds AWESOME!
Epistemology Unbound
August 29th, 2025 at 5:59 am Reply
MW: So, Mary was video-chatting with a teen girl; flew across the country to see the girl; took the girl out on the town, telling her repeatedly that she’s special, the two of them are kindred spirits, but other people don’t understand her; and now she’s inviting the girl back to her home, thousands of miles away.
Can we bring this strip back to a more wholesome plotline, like Belle Batsfrey bonking her surrogate brother?
Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
August 29th, 2025 at 6:06 am Reply
Mary Worth: Ruffled Shirt Giant: “Can I come too?”
Mary Worth II: I can’t decide who’s more likely to make some suggestive comment about seeing Olive’s tan lines or rubbing lotion on her or whether she’s ever seen a man’s penis: Wilbur is usually drunk and he’s mostly the star of the show, but that’s why my money’s on Ian Cameron: give him his moment, lock him in prison, and Mary can console Ian’s wife Toby forever.
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. Peanut Gallery
August 25th, 2025 at 9:00 am Reply
Beetle – Hey! That comic strip just bombed my head! With unfunniness!
69. Anonymous
August 26th, 2025 at 7:54 am Reply
Dustin: If Fitch were thinking one move ahead, he would be considering what words rhyme with Fitch.
69. cheech wizard
August 27th, 2025 at 7:17 am Reply
MW – “I wish we could spend more time together, Mary. There’s so much I want to learn!”
“Well, now you know what a penis looks like, thanks to that statue. But now that you’re hanging out with the cool kids, I guess you’ll be finding out on your own anyway.”
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. Activist
August 28th, 2025 at 6:40 am Reply
LUANN: “One Game, Two Loves”
GA: Check his references! He introduced himself as Doone, like Boone but with a D. An actual baker/cook would have said Doone, as in Lorna Doone cookies.
FRAZZ: Mrs Olson didn’t cheat, she outsmarted him. Running and other sports are smarts as well as braun.
Thanks, Scratchy.
Thanks Scratchy and congratulations to all the winners!
@taig:
Thank you!
Congrats all the runners up for a fun week of commenting/curmudgeoning!
Thanks for the mentions, Scratchy!
This week’s winners made me laugh out loud a few times. Good stuff.
@The Breathtaking Bonehead Brothers: We clown ourselves around here. Or maybe that’s just me.
Thanks, Scratchy and congrats, everyone!
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
#13. Thanks, Scratchy! I joined late today as I rested for an actual race at 7am tomorrow. Pluggers Unite!
Thanks to our host, claps for all the named, and I appreciate the scrote from Scratchy.