On the other hand, Hagar shouldn’t understand “profits” as distinct from “robbery”
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Hagar the Horrible, 2/17/26
This one, I think, adds up: in Viking-era Scandinavia, sugar would’ve been imported at great expense from the Islamic world, but because it was a luxury good those selling sugar and sugar-derived products like rum could charge much higher markups on it than they could on, say, drinks made from local commodity crops like barley or honey. The candle thing was probably real too, but I’m not going to bother looking that one up.
Herb and Jamaal, 2/17/26
Look, if you had been a comics character for 37 years — never aging, never changing, never growing or improving as a person — you might come to feel that you were trapped on the endlessly spinning dharmic wheel, and would pay any price to escape samsara, even if it meant being nice to your mother-in-law.
74 replies to “On the other hand, Hagar shouldn’t understand “profits” as distinct from “robbery””
MW: “But you’re still not getting any tonight!”
Dunedin was the site of where Reese McGuire of the Blue Jays got arrested for pleasuring himself in his car in a shopping center parking lot during spring training in 2020.
This is where Herb and Jamaal‘s famous nonspecificity stings. I want a detailed catalogue of Herb’s many crimes!
H&J: As one of the duller comics characters, exactly what ‘bad Karma’ does Herb have to work off?
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Baseball trivia is full of wonders.
As a seafaring culture, the Vikings were too superstitious to order a Hurricane.
MW: “But Jeff, dear, you DO realize that you’re only a PLACEHOLDER, don’t you? An occasional, neutral—dare I say ‘neutered’—character whose sole function is to listen sympathetically to me as I recount the most recent interactions I’ve had with the people I actually care about and make muffins for and listen to and advise, without ever attempting to offer an opposing view but only seeking to affirm my own good judgment and praise me for my wisdom? You’re only here to take up time and panel space until the next—oh, is that WILBUR I see up ahead?”
Definitely not real is the bowtie, which was invented by Croation mercenaries during the Thirty Years War, hence the word “cravat.”
Between “Hagar” and “Herb & Jamaal,” I’m thirsty all of a sudden.
Wrecks Moregone:
One thing Wrecks didn’t miss, even in Widdle Sawah’s art?
His pissyface.
_____________________________________
Wary Morth:
“But, Jeff, before you ask, the answer is….”
“Still no?”
“You take all the fun out of my saying it!”
_____________________________________
Pudgy Jerker:
Smiling idiot?
When was The Joker transferred here from Arkham Asylum?
_____________________________________
Popeye:
J Wellington Wimpy, unperson.
H&J: They call her Eula because just like a Software End-User License Agreement, she’s draconian, extremely demanding, and imposes herself on people whether they want it or not.
Luann: I can’t tell if Tiffany is leading Ox on, or if she’s genuinely afraid of him. I’d ask the Evanses, but I don’t think they know either.
Pluggers avoid stepping on sidewalk cracks, because they all have severe mommy issues.
RMMD: Bil Keane must be rolling in his grave.
HtH So does the candle smell like rum or…no, really, what’s going on here?
H&J A lot of karma to work off? Is it bad that my first thought here was “Is Herb a serial killer?”
Hagar the Horrible : if you have magic candles whose scent can mind control people, surely you can do better than just have them all order the most expensive item on your menu.
************
Heathcliff : sets us straight : he TERRIFIES his neighborhood, and TERRORIZES Baja.
************
Luann : “Doesn’t it get kinda creepy, living in this big mansion by yourself?” “Yeah, that’s THE EXACT REASON why I don’t actually live here, I live at the Moony Uni dorm, remember?”
…I bet the strip also forgot about that broken window incident, too.
************
Slylock Fox : EXTRA DIFFERENCE : In the panel on the right, that bunny has that goofy expression because he’s a wacky guy stifling laughter. In the panel on the left, it’s because he’s high as a kite.
MW:
This is like reading the print version of The Carpenters Greatest Hits.
HtH: Once again, history has failed us. We’ll never actually know if scented candles were invented to counteract the appalling personal hygiene of Viking seamen, or simply to sell rum to them.
HtH:
“Bartender, didn’t our Germanic forbears from Jutland prefer mead and ale to rum?”
“You’re darned Teuton!”
JP: What does he mean, “smiling idiot”? No one ever smiles in Judge Parker. Their faces are all stuck that way, just as their mothers warned them.
HTH: I was about to genuinely praise the artwork for giving the Scotsman both a kilt and a tam, but then I noticed that the “anchor” tattoo on the sailor next to him is clearly actually a unicycle, so I retract my positivity.
HtH:
“I’m glad Captain Morgan got to do that jaunty pose for the picture on the bottle before I slew him!”
JP: I notice neither of these pissyfaced guards are speaking in comic opera broken English…
@Anonymous: On Luann – clearly they did, because if she doesn’t live there, and her father is mainly off squiring Ann Effiel around, then that place should be stripped to the studs and covered in grafitti.
This *should* be taking place at either the dorms or Ox’s house, but that wouldn’t give the Evansii the opportunity to make their standard innuendos that they think are ‘tee hee’ but are actually ‘ewwww…’ I mean, Ox as a ‘weighted blanket’?? [Shudders]
DT As the drone strike makes an opening for the snowmobiler, here comes the Dick Tracy-Judge Parker crossover no one was asking for?
MW:
“Mary, may I borrow an iconic Beatles line to describe my feelings toward you?”
“Let me guess: ‘But of all these friends and lovers, there is no one compares with you’ ?”
“No. ‘Why don’t we do it in the road?’ !”
THWACK
MW Is even Brigman getting tired of the endless congratulatory rounds? because that second panel looks like a couple who are fed up with each other reciting these lines with extreme sarcasm.
@The Quiet Man: Nah, I imagine that Luann and all her friends live deep within gated communities. Even the allegedly middle class ones, like Luann herself.
My mom had a particularly vicious, cranky, miserable mother-in-law.
She kept being nice to her, not for “personal karma” but because she promised my Dad on his death-bed that she would take care of her.
Although she took care of my grandma even when my Dad was alive, because my Dad knew what a psycho his mother was and wanted nothing to do with her.
Hagar the Horrible: Instead of thinking of a joke, I’m off researching (reading Wikipedia articles) about various distilled liquors and when they arrived in northern Europe. I’m sad to say that rum was not introduced until the 17th century, well after the age of Vikings. More likely Mr. Anachronistic Barkeep would be making big bucks off vodka, or perhaps soju or something similar brought to Europe from the East, along with the bubonic plague.
Oh dear, I’m becoming a comics curmudgeon, aren’t I? Welp, off to find the origins of the bow tie!
Herb and Jamaal: “Some might think I put in too much effort to be nice to my mother-in-law. That’s why I wrapped her head in a black plastic bag. A man can’t love his mother-in-law, it’s comics law!”
Sitting in rush hour traffic.
Watching paint dry.
Mary and Jeff strips.
Pluggers: I’ve been to Leechburg and I can attest that its sidewalks are extremely fucked up! It’s an old mill town, lots of steep hills, old tree roots buckling up the sidewalks, etc. This has me thinking, have we been missing out on the local color all this time, making us unkindly and unsympathetic toward the contributors? I mean, today’s strip shows us a seemingly able-bodied cat-man injuring himself on a perfectly flat, even sidewalk. What are we supposed to think except that he’s some kind of neurotic who hurt himself trying to not to break his mothers back? Shame on Rick McKee, and shame on us for not sussing out his game sooner!
@Lauralot: No one ever smiles in Judge Parker.
Come now, you can’t possibly have forgotten the time Charlotte smiled. I certainly haven’t, despite weeks of therapy.
@Ken: Oh dear God. The horror…the horror…
“Some might think…” is a good start, but this is still way too specific for a Herb and Jamal strip. Let me give you some tips.
-Just eliminate Eula’s name in the first panel. That way, Herb could be serving tea to anyone!
-Karma is way too specific. “After all, there are spiritual concepts relevant to my situation!” That’s the Herb and Jamal way!
Joke’s on the bartender. A decent scented candle is going to eat right into those profits.
***
Writer: What year is it?
Editor: 2026.
Writer: Do you think I should still be making mother-in-law jokes?
Editor: Sure. Most of your readers stopped caring when Milton Berle went off the air.
HtH: I didn’t expect Hagar to be complicit in the Triangle Trade, but honestly I can’t say I’m surprised.
H&J: Doesn’t Herb realize that despite what Reverend Croom says that in this post ecclesiastical age being the bottom to Jamal’s top is not a sin to atone for.
Heathcliff has apparently decided to start stealing from episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Today the 2003 episode “The Clowning” where Carl gets a wig that transforms him into a clown.
@The Rambling Otter: My MIL was pretty decent up until about a decade ago, when a combination of social media misinformation and the early stages of cognitive decline started taking their toll. At this point taking care of her is less a matter of karma and more a remembrance of the person she was, and also personal responsibility in making sure she doesn’t literally wander off into traffic.
H&J-“Someday the poison in her tea will finish her off.”
RMMD-“Did I miss the splatter?”
MW-“But I won’t marry you, Jeff.”
FC-“These bristles are too soft. These bristles are just right.”
Hagar the Horrible-Clearly they’re not in England or it would be a round of gin.
H&L: I’m not sure why this strip makes me so angry. Perhaps it’s because Lois smugly making her adolescent babysitter sign a ‘non-compete’ clause sounds like something Musk would do.
C’shaft: Look, I know PBS needs all the help it can get these days, but cameo appearances in Crankshaft can only be counterproductive…
Dustin: “Also there’s no party; I made that up just so I could use it as a means to insult you.”
@pugfuggly:Is Herb a serial killer?
Well, in a world where everything is unspecified, so too are the meats in the diner’s meatloaf, meat pies, etc.
Hagar, That’s Horrible! – I’m one of those really picky folks who get easily overwhelmed by fragrance – especially anything synthetic – Mr. Cat sprayed some Lysol on some old tennis shoes over the weekend. I can still smell it, and it infuriates me.
So, the idea of a scented candle somewhere that I’m trying to down a flagon of ale is just off-putting. And I like the smell of rum.
Of course, the smell of all that unwashed beard and pelt… I might be begging for a scented candle.
So, Hagar finally joined the Varangian Guard, failed to escape when Mehmed the Conqueror took Constantinople, and now serves in the armies of the Sultan while all around him people call for ‘Rum,’ the Ottoman word for Rome. I guess they all want raisin wine? Or maybe garum. Who am I to judge?
Which karma does Herb need to atone for? From what we see, he is at most mildly assholish! Do we have to infer that whenever Jamaal is on the strip alone, Herb is busy killing hitchhikers?
Frazz – They need to figure out how to insert Mrs. Olsen into this blather about William Henry Harrison so they can insult her behind her back.
Flail those arms!
Gil Thorp – Why are they holding their handcuffed hands up in front of tbem? Don’t the police handcuff arrestees’ arms behind their backs?
I can’t wait to see the girls put into a lineup. It’ll look like the end of Eye of the Beholder on Twilight Zone.
Both Crankshaft and Gasoline Alley feature disturbingly realistic character drawings. The bribes weren’t enough to keep the real people out of it.
@Lauralot: CIApril is an errand girl, sent by pissyfaces… to collect an idiot…
RMMD – Sure, this is stupid, but it could be worse. Johnny could be recapping the story of Toby’s parrots.
@TheDiva: Slave raids and trade were the biggest part of a Viking’s job. That’s why attempts to reinterpret them as “progressive for their times” are very misguided
RMMD: Okay, I like this.
MW: Next, they’ll break out singing “You Gotta Have Heart” from Damn Yankees. Yeesh.
JP: “Are you sure you want to focus on the Strip’s least interesting character?” –Copy Editor, North American Syndicate.
@matt w: No, you don’t.
Matt, trust me. You don’t want to open that door.
Dustin: I was unaware that Dustin did any temp work for clients.
MW: When I was saying my last goodbyes to my MiL, when she was in palliative care, my face was closer to hers than this pair’s faces are.
FC: Maybe if you brushed your teeth more than twice a month, Jeff.
FC:
Funny: Jeffy makes his gums bleed brushing with a stiff-bristled toothbrush.
Funnier: Jeffy rips out his hair combing with the dog’s wire brush.
Funniest: Jeffy rubs his skin raw using steel wool as a loofah.
Mary Worth Mashup: Let’s fast forward ahead a few panels, shall we?
Dick Tracy: Is this the beginning of a Dick Tracy/Judge Parker crossover? I would so love whatever tactical weapon Mr. Russian McBeardface is firing to hit Randy right square in his pissyface.
MW: And soon we will enter week three of the “Mary and Jeff congratulate each other on being willing to try new things and go on and on about how much they love each other post-parrot storyline wrap up” which will be followed by Mary recapping what she and Jeff discussed during their visit to the Bum Boat and afterwards for another couple of weeks.
GT: Milford’s best being escorted from the blank white area while another man records this with his nondescript gray square.
Mark Trail: The strip is about to reward the five or so people out there who are members of the Cherry Trail Foot Soaking Fetish Community (CTFSFC).
HtH – “Yeah, these scented candles really boost sales. Not the vodka one, though. Not sure why.”
Hagar: I suppose in the Viking era, there would be a limited supply of public buildings, and common areas would be used for several different purposes. Which is to say, that bartender really knows how to trigger the crowd at an AA meeting!
Herb & Jamaal: Sorry, Herb, but dunking a teabag in hot water really is the least you can do for your mother-in-law. If you want karmic rewards, how about sticking a book or TV set in the sad corner where she sits all day, or at least finding her a better hairstylist.
Blondie: Today we learned that everyone at Dagwood’s job dresses way too formally for the workplace in 2026, not just Dagwood. I mean, he’s still a terrible employee, but at least we can stop judging his fashion sense.
Mary Worth: Awww, Mary and Jeff still love each other! Which doesn’t explain why they’re back-hugging each other like a couple of college dudes on the way to a frat party, but that’s life at the Bum Boat.
GT: And here I was kinda, sorta hoping for a storyline about some ICE-related thing about Milford’s Latino/Somali students or somebody getting tracked down through facial recognition software for something they did at a protest.
Instead we get slight overreaction to a graffiti case that at worst would result in citations being sent in the mail.
But Great White Father Gil will take care of it.
Phantom: Speaking of Great White Father……
GA: A SECOND week of this? (Although to be honest, I have seen this happen during a POWER OUTAGE with the dummies getting angry at the clerks for not being able to IMMEDIATELY process their all-important purchase of cat litter while tornado sirens are blaring outside)
Hagar The Horrible: I don’t get how the candle is supposed to connect to the punchline. Is the bartender using a magic candle to brainwash his customers into buying rum? If so, surely there are easier ways to sell alcohol.
Herb And Jamaal: …wait, Herb is married????
@Baja Gaijin: Perfection.
MW: So fuck, already, for Chrissakes!
Phantom: Look here, General Chuma. Running a slavery ring we can forgive, but punching a girl. That makes you a poltroon of the lowest order.
FC: Mommy! My gums look like the insides of one of your used sanitary pads!
Phantom: Remember on “The Andy Griffith Show” how Andy always had to bend over backwards covering up for his dangerously incompetent deputy? I think Stripeybutt is caught in the same situation with the Jungle Patrol. Now he’s got to coldcock Chuma but make Patrolwoman Han look like she took him out.
DT: A low approach with the drone, hugging the ground?
GT: C’mon kids – didn’t you splatter mud or put a screen on the license plates and cover your faces? Or did some one rat them out? Did you use your own cell phones? No burners? What do they teach you in school these days.
JP: Bogdan didn’t seem to be smiling so this must be a translation error.
MW: Awww, just Sunny and Rosita.
Phantom: General Chum playing possum! Can Mark Trail explain this concept for the Jungle Patrol.
@Baja Gaijin: Brilliant ! Need a terrifying Squawk to chill the hearts of its prey.
@Baja Gaijin: Whose jaw is the squarest?
There’s a nonzero chance that tea is overbrewed.
SForth: If what’s-is-name is getting an early start on his drinking, while merely pretending to spend the day skiing, I suppose to avoid interaction with his family, why does he bring Ted along, who’s probably the most irritating of his relatives? Instance: Ted says ‘instead’ redundantly, twice in a single word balloon.
@I speak Jive: Are those Zip-ties? The kids should hold their arms up and yell “Attica, Attica” but I suppose Dog Day Afternoon is ancient history.
Crankshaft: Dear god, how many dogs did he let die in there?
@Dr. Larry Erhardt:
There’s been 17 Homers, 13 [whatever-Crankshaft’s-Cat-is-called], and Tinkerbelle, Jeff’s mom’s dog who Crankshaft hated and wished death upon even though it saved his life multiple times.
(Seriously, what happened to that dog after Jeff’s mom died?)PS. I wonder if Josh getting Jeff’s mom and Lillian confused was one of the reasons the former character was killed off
Another plauside reason could be that she was repeatedly mistaken for being Crankshaft’s wife, maybe?CS: If you think Tom Silva is going to run up the costs, wait until Richard Trethewy gets hold of the plumbing and heating end of the job.
Cannabis is also native to Asia, so if this bartender has a lot of pretzels to unload, I know what he should try next.
@Bob Tice: #15-MW- Just like you.. they long to be..close to me
GT: How did the Goshen cops figure out so fast these three were the guilty party? This is more incisive detective work than we’ve ever seen in Dick Tracy.
Don’t look for Kira or Isis or Asthma to do any demonstrative protest symbolism. For that we need to go to 6Chx, where Xunise is advocating throwing bricks at the authorities. Luckily for her, Bari Weiss is not in charge at King Features.