Archive: Hagar the Horrible

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Blondie, 12/20/22

I’m reasonably sure that we’ve never seen Dagwood and his “fishing buddy” Herb ever actually go fishing? Maybe there was talk of fishing gear borrowed and never returned, or some bit set up by a powerboat (not a rowboat) parked in Herb’s driveway? This makes me suspect that today’s strip was built backwards from a punchline about “what if a Christmas fruitcake was an anchor???? because it’s so hard and dense, get it????”, which itself is a common misunderstanding of fruitcake’s whole deal (fruitcakes are, if done right, actually very moist) that has arisen since nobody eats fruitcakes anymore and we only know about them from old jokes about bad ones. Anyway, mostly what I’m interested in here is that the salesman at this store, which I assume is a chain that caters to suburbanites like Dagwood who very occasionally go fishing, has been forced to put on a ridiculous get-up and even grow a chinbeard just to provide a “full nautical experience” for customers. Probably he had to sit through a whole training from corporate about how if you don’t say “Ahoy matey!” to everyone who walks in the door, with enthusiasm, you’ll get written up by your shift supervisor.

Hagar the Horrible, 12/20/22

Based on everyone’s sour expressions here, I guess the joke here is that Hagar is obviously guilty, but that his lawyer has discovered some technical loophole to free him that the judge and jury are bound to obey, even though they clearly don’t like it. This being medieval Norway, the loophole is probably that, despite a recent move towards a written legal system where courts attempt to ascertain the facts of a case and hand down judgements based on an objective moral code, it’s still technically legal to resolve disputes via trial by combat, and Hagar’s accuser is currently lying in a bloody, dismembered heap on the floor.

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Crankshaft, 10/2/22

Huh, I’m a little surprised by “the Crankshafts” in that final panel. I guess I actually don’t know off the top of my head what Pam and Jeff’s last name is, so it’s possible that she not only kept her maiden name but that Jeff changed his name to hers as well, but I find it unlikely for a bunch of reasons. First off, while they’re not overt anti-feminists or anything, it’s had to see either of them doing anything that runs contrary to general societal practice to make a point. But more importantly, it’s simply an awful name, and frankly they’d be inheriting it from a simply awful person, so I don’t buy it.

Hagar the Horrible, 10/2/22

Real grim first couple of panels here, where we learn that Hagar’s horse is intelligent enough to practice deceit and to understand both his own mortality and his precarious place in the world. Makes it all the grimmer when you get to the final panel and realize Hagar’s probably going to eat him by the end of the night.

Blondie, 10/2/22

Oh no! Dagwood fell off a ladder and had a massive head injury and died. RIP Dagwood Bumstead, 1930-2022. You taught me that it was OK to be weird.

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Judge Parker, 9/24/22

Oh, gee, I guess we’ve been spending so much time exploring the wildly seesawing emotional conditions inside the heavily fortified Spencer-Driver compound that we haven’t noticed that Cavelton at large has become a violent, drug cartel-ruled hellscape. This should work out great for Abbey when she becomes mayor, as she’ll be able to use a brutal crackdown on the gangs and the accompanying suspension of constitutional protections for defendants as a cover to go after her enemies, ex-mayors and ex-husbands alike.

Hagar the Horrible, 9/24/22

Aw, isn’t that romantic? Hagar and his band of Vikings have apparently established a trade route to Mesoamerica, but are keeping it a secret from anyone but their most beloved family members. Also, Hagar’s a terrible alcoholic (less romantic).

Hi and Lois, 9/24/22

I would not advise Hi to buy the contents of a mysterious POD from some guy who, as far as I know because I’ve never seen him in the strip before, just showed up in the neighborhood today! I’m not a lawyer but I’m pretty sure you’re accepting responsibility for however many corpses are in there if you do this.