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Archie, 4/16/25

I can’t even keep track anymore of when these Archie reruns originated, and whether the coloring actually dates from that era or was added in years or decades later. All I know is that Mr. Weatherbee with his black shirt and bright red tie looks like he’s the keyboardist from some new wave band that had a cult following in clubs in the Lower East Side in the late ’70s and early ’80s before having an unexpected MTV hit with a semi-novelty song in 1984, and then their label made them do a big national tour and they wanted to play all the songs they’d written and that their real fans loved but all the dumb MTV teens who came to their shows just wanted them to play their big hit, which they had kind of grown to loathe at that point, and eventually the keyboardist snapped and started attacking the MTV teens with hammers.

Hagar the Horrible, 4/16/25

Imagine this scenario: a Viking band descends on a ducal castle somewhere on the coast of Normandy or the Low Countries. The Duke’s retinue is defeated in combat, his wealth plundered, his family slain. His army has been decimated, meaning he can no longer enforce his rule on the local peasants, so his few remaining soldiers drift away, demoralized and unpaid, leaving him alone in his ruined castle, burning for revenge. Eventually he abandons his fief altogether and buys passage with what little wealth he has left on a boat heading to the savage northern lands. Traveling alone with just his sword, he hunts down the chieftain whose attack upended his whole privileged life, determined to kill him and reclaim whatever goods he can, only to eventually discover him living in a modest hut and holding what remains of the duke’s treasure in contempt. Pretty grim stuff! I never saw The Northman, but I’m going to pretend this is what it was about.

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Luann, 3/31/25

So last week’s “Brad and Toni are trying to have a baby and it’s making their sex life miserable” riff ended with the two of them (on TJ’s suggestion) running off to go to an amusement park rather than depress themselves with yet another grim session of intercourse. I assumed this was putting a little bow on the plot and we were going to move onto something else this week, except, no, we’re apparently going to be treated (?) to the two of them at the amusement park. Anyway, it’s kind of comforting to be regularly reading this strip again after more than a decade and learn that it’s still doing its thing (its thing is coming up with extremely off-putting euphemisms for sex like “doing ‘maybe baby’”).

Dick Tracy, 3/31/25

Gotta admit I don’t fully get what the deal is in the non-nephew part of this Dick Tracy storyline, but our heroes have connected the mysterious corpse with someone named “Mr. Piltdown” and have roped his poor dentist into trying to positively ID him. That name is probably most famous from “Piltdown Man,” a hoax fossil that was supposed to be a “missing link” between humans and apes but was actually just a fake someone made by combining a human skull with an orangutan jaw and teeth, so I certainly hope this signals that something profoundly weird is about to be revealed by this post-mortem dental exam.

Gil Thorp, 3/31/25

Big news, everyone! Marty’s drinking binge has run its course and now he’s back at his AA meeting, along with a fellow alcoholic named “Clam.” Short for Clambake? A guy can dream!!!! (About a long sob story about how Clambake got caught lying about being in the Negro Leagues and it sent him into a downward spiral of alcohol abuse but then Marty Moon interrupts him by saying “Hey everybody, I’m Marty Moon, from the radio!” and they all applaud.)

Alice, 3/31/25

I know that a classic comics thing is having someone ask a weirdly specific question so that another person can answer it with a punchline, but Disconnection Syndrome is actually a fairly serious neurological disorder. Maybe you should find out why exactly your niece is asking about this rather than just cracking wise, Alice!

The Lockhorns, 3/31/25

So why are you going to someplace called “Coverage Provider Outlet,” guys? That sounds boring as shit!

Blondie, 3/31/25

“Ha ha, but enough about my depressing personal life and my dead marriage! I want to buy all your cupcakes and then throw them in the garbage so my husband can’t have them.”

Hagar the Horrible, 3/31/25

Hey man, did you know you can just put straight-up naked asses in the comics now? God is dead, do what you will, etc.

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Blondie, 3/28/25

There is, as is often the case with Blondie, a Lot Going On Here, but let’s not sleep on the TV announcer appearing to react to Dagwood’s dismissal in the second panel. It’s as if they’re all too aware they exist only to be viewed by Dagwood, the center of this comic’s universe and the pivot point of its reality. “Please don’t change the channel! We’ll do a show that caters to your weirdo fetishes! I can’t go back to the void again! I can’t!”

Hagar the Horrible, 3/28/25

Honi’s romance with Lute is much frowned upon by her parents, generally playing on the trope of “Oh god our daughter is in love with an unsuccessful musician”, but today’s strip is I think the first I’ve seen that actually gets into what the lived experience of being in love with an unsuccessful musician is actually like. She goes to gigs with him at shitty clubs! She actually enjoys his music! She doesn’t get that nobody else does! He has to tell her stuff like “Uh, baby, the vibes were off”!

Family Circus, 3/28/25

Really enjoying the two Keane facial expressions here. Jeffy is wounded, obviously, but also kind of frozen and can’t quite articulate what exactly he’s feeling, while Ma Keane is like “Look, man, we all think this stuff, but we try not to say it, OK?”