Archive: Hagar the Horrible

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Hagar the Horrible, 5/29/24

One of the great dilemmas of transport is that the more mass you need to move, the more energy you need to move it, which means you need more fuel, but fuel itself adds mass. At sea, or in space, when you have to take all your fuel with you when you depart on your journey, the mass of that fuel can be a real limiting factor in terms of how you far you can go — but on the other hand, you have to figure into your calculations that in most scenarios, you burn off fuel as you use it, so the mass of your vessel actually goes down over time. Anyway, one of the human beings who serve as fuel for Hagar’s boat, which is burdened by the extra mass of the extra rowers being towed behind it, can’t row anymore, due to his injury. It would make things easier for the uninjured rowers if the overall mass they were propelling were lower. You see where I’m going with this.

Mary Worth, 5/29/24

Sorry if this is rude to say, but Wilbur doesn’t look that bad here, certainly not bad enough to inspire Mary’s look of wild-eyed panic. Oh, he’s got some stubble and he’s in his robe? Maybe looks a little sad? I 100% guarantee that the Chartertsone condo board has received angry emails about worse, much worse, when Wilbur takes one of his spontaneous constitutionals around the grounds or simply forgets to close his curtains.

Dennis the Menace, 5/29/24

This strip is just brutally real. Mr. Wilson has a loving wife, a generous U.S. Postal Service pension, and a bucolic home in the suburbs. This really is his best life! And he fucking hates it! Because of Dennis! Grim stuff.

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Mary Worth, 5/26/24

Jesus, Wilbur, did you ever think that Willa has probably even more reason to mourn than you do, and you’ve never tried to reach out to her so that the two of your could support one another? No, instead you’ve turned your grief into a narcissistic wallow, and have further alienated your remaining fish by making it clear that Stellan was your favorite.

Meanwhile, in the final panel Mary has revealed how long this has been going on, and I have to say that “several weeks” is one of the less amusing options. Like, it would’ve been funny if we found out that Wilbur had been living in isolation and increasing squalor for a year, and very funny if we found out he had been living in isolation and increasing squalor for six hours.

Hagar the Horrible, 5/26/24

Damn, with all this talk of sacrifice, I assumed Hagar was going to offer a fine stallion or heifer up to the gods of the Norse pantheon to propitiate them for safety on his next raid. But with a larder full of cuisine brought back from Italy and the mysterious lands south of Vinland, I guess he’s a little soft now to go in for the old ways.

Hi and Lois, 5/26/24

An underrated aspect of the Hi and Lois mythos is that Hi has one friend, who is his nextdoor neighbor and also his coworker, and he really doesn’t like him very much.

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Mary Worth, 5/9/24

Dawn is reconnecting with her Connecticut WASP mother by attempting to enjoy high-prestige social pursuits like the ballet. Wilbur, meanwhile, has reacted to his brutal romantic rejection by descending into unkempt couch-based schlubdom. This is an experience Dawn knows a little bit about herself, so no matter how annoying she finds her mother’s culturally elitist suburban clique, she should be thankful she’s not being pulled back into that morass.

Hagar the Horrible, 5/9/24

It’s sad, of course, that Helga has no friends she can confide in. But thanks to her husband’s canonical illiteracy, she can confide in her books to her heart’s content. It’s like being able to scream in a language he doesn’t speak, constantly!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/9/24

Rex Morgan is about to face his most terrifying medical challenge yet: his family’s emotions, which he’s apparently supposed to care about. Remember that crazy guy who wanted Rex to do a little experimental brain surgery on someone in an attempt to “cure crime“? He refused then, but now seems to be contemplating whether he could “cure feelings that require attention from me” using nothing but his trusty power drill.