The old men and the Friday
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Beetle Bailey, 5/8/26
I honestly am not sure if the joke here is simply “Lt. Fuzz is humiliated because Gen. Halftrack takes an enlisted soldier’s advice instead of his” (I assume she’s enlisted because she wears the same uniform as Beetle — I’m not sure how that relates to actual U.S. Army uniforms but I’m confident Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC isn’t either) or if there’s another possibility lurking, which is that the General is being agreeable with this soldier because she’s a pretty lady. That’s in character, but it requires us to interpret some ambiguous visual cues — are Halftrack’s eyes particularly bugged out in panel one or am I imagining it? is “blonde” a guaranteed marker of attractiveness in the Baileyverse? — and, maybe it’s mean to say this, but I personally think that it would all be easier to parse if the art in this strip were, you know, good.
Crankshaft, 5/8/26
Ed Crankshaft is old, and someday soon he’s gonna die, and maybe that’ll start with him just being overcome with all-pervasive tiredness as his body shuts down. Now, that’s not happening today, I’m pretty sure, but I am heartened to think that he’ll definitely be making some incomprehensible wordplay while it happens.
81 replies to “The old men and the Friday”
BB: Is this a new character, and will they bother to tell us what her name is, or will she have to wait 50 years, like BC’s Fat Broad and Cute Chick? (After all. we still don’t know Miss Buxley’s first name.)
Beetle Bailey-Yeah but she’s got big breasts.
Dennis the Menace-Henry used to taste time when he licked stamp pads.
FC-“Who’s the cook? Mary Worth?”
Beetle Bailey:
Whoa. Did Lois from Hi and Lois join the armed services?
I’d be more impressed about Halftrack flipping sexism on its head and listening to a woman reiterate a man’s idea if that idea wasn’t just a vague “we should do this” with no details on how this should be done.
***
The most amazing thing about Crankshaft still being alive is that his medical checkups aren’t just the doctor trying to make sense of his prattling for the entire appointment.
Beetle Bailey: “This camp would run more efficiently if we streamlined the supply chain” is true, in the sense that doing things more efficiently does make them more efficient. I’m not quite sure why anyone needs to make that obvious point to Gen. Halftrack, but at least having it come from a (possibly?) attractive woman might rouse him enough between his morning fog, afternoon nap and evening drinking to consider something job-related for a few minutes.
Crankshaft:
The rate at which Ed’s stomach is expanding is greater than that of the Hubble Constant.
The advice is pretty much on the level of “we should do stuff better!” and I once again damn myself for basing my life’s decisions around Beetle Bailey.
Crankshaft: There’s an old cartoon cliche of characters propelling a sailboat by blowing on the sail. A balloon, which expels air at a pretty high rate, would be even more effective. Maybe Ed’s on to something here if the Winkerbeaniverse operates on cartoon physics. That started as an interesting idea but by the time I got the end I was too annoyed to care anymore.
Lt. Fuzz is so shocked, he’s gradually turning into a Peanuts character… Good Grief!
Wary Morth:
“Goodbye, my love! I’m off to a new career as a manager at a pig butchering scam centre!”
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Murky Tail:
“And, no, I’m not going to take you catfishing!”
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Wrecks Moregone:
“But since we’re alone, there’s plenty of money business we can do!”
@Bob Tice: Lois is Beetle’s sister, ya know.
BB: Why hasn’t anyone thought of getting Miss Buxley to present their proposals?
LUANN: I want to react to this in a way that doesn’t make anyone say, “OK, Boomer,” but I can’t.
9CL: Amos is a lion when lady parts aren’t in the mix.
GT: ” I think it looks like it will slide off, because someone didn’t draw you any cleavage.”
MW: So, the whole arc will be, Was He Dumped Or Was He Not?
MW: Brandy’s going to call from Florida to tell him she’s decided to move there permanently, right? Or that she’s found a new boyfriend, right? Even Moy wouldn’t be ridiculous enough to write Tommy having a sobbing breakdown because his girlfriend went to visit family without him, right? Right?
“Streamline the supply chain? But where will the military industrial complex fatcats who make sure I’m not put on the retired list make their profits then?”
Beetle Bailey was going to have me comment on them treading on Zootopia 2’s heels.
Where Nick makes a joke which Judy doesn’t laugh at, then another character makes the same joke shortly afterwards which Judy does laugh at. Annoying Nick.
Then I realize, that this doesn’t count. Because “jokes” and “suggestions” are two separate mediums. So Beetle Bailey can get away with that.
BB Don’t worry Fuzz: she didn’t steal your idea because its barely an idea at all. You might have well said “Things would be better if they were more efficient.” No shit!
CSh: I’m really weirded out by the perspective in that first panel — it feels like Pam is about to the shot in the head in a dramatic reveal.
Wrecks Moregone:
Being alone, Mae Mae and Mud take the opportunity for a bit of, er, slap and tickle. Lonnie arrives just then and realises that selling porno videos of an ex Hollywood starlet brings in more money than exposes that she’s working at a dead end diner in a dead end town. No hilarity ensues.
@Spunky The Wonder Squid: Well, it was justified with Pippi Longstocking. Because of her superpowers.
FC “No, they forgot to turn on the stove for my French toast order and I’m too weary from caring for you kids that I don’t have the energy to complain”
GT Gerads is lucky Gil didn’t “lay hands on him” and “twist his neck” for … jocularly asking for a wedding invite – our hero, folks!
BB: Unnamed female soldier is full of good ideas. Her forehead grows perceptibly in the second panel. She has begun her transformation into A Huge Ever Growing Pulsating Brain That Rules From the Centre of Camp Swampy.
@nescio: My new favorite character.
MW: Tommy’s “I’ll still be the same guy” might be what sinks the relationship, as Brandy realizes that he is indeed still the ambitionless slacker she met eight years ago.
S4th: Is *that* why everyone over in MW has been so blase about HeWhoisHarved dropping $200 large on a phoney hottie? The money wasn’t *his*? Did he like, somehow wire Long John Trixie $200K in Monopoly money or something? Or is Dr. Jeff in for a really big surprise when he gets his next bank statement?
GT: That’ll do nicely for the wedding night, but what are you going to wear to the ceremony?
@Liam: if new character were heavily endowed, there is zero chance the artist would have not drawn that.
BB – Supply Chain…Guard Rails…Lock Box…Strategery. Ah, yes – all very good….
Crank – Geriatric Alzheimer’s! What could be funnier than that….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Based on the General’s reaction and the obviousness of her assertion (that Camp Swampy is run with horrible inefficiency), that’s probably a new recruit. Don’t worry, Lt., you won’t have to be upset for long, because she’ll be transferring somewhere else soon in disgust – she has a future, unlike the rest of the people here.
BB — In General Halftrack’s Army, he forms a committee to examine any new ideas about efficient operations.
Cranky –“Dad, do you smell toast?”
“Yes. Why?”
“No reason.”
Beetle Bailey:
I feel reasonably confident that no enlisted solider, whether male or female, has ever given the slightest shit about how efficient or streamlined their camp’s supply chain is.
Crankshaft:
You might think this is standard Funkyverse sub-wordplay, but in fact it’s something much more exciting: Crankshaft is saying, in his typically mangled fashion, that his health insurance provider has denied him coverage for a life-saving balloon angioplasty.
Isn’t that the second time this week Luann has made a fudge reference to Phil McCracken. He’s not getting the hint.
@Dennis Jimenez:
Batiuk: Where’s my Pulitzer!!
@Dennis Jimenez: A root canal is funnier, because that is at least fixing a treatable condition.
Edit: The word I should have used is “Happier” but still…
@Vulpes: No matter how sh***y or nonexistent the supply chain may be.
This recruit is clearly sucking up her way up the ladder here.
MW;
“I’m so down, I’m going to become a revidicist…um, I mean, a redivicist..er…I mean I’m going to return to a life of crime!”
Beetle Bailey: Well, you know what Omar Bradley said: Amateurs study tactics. Professionals study logistics. Camp Swampies study the rack on their subordinates.
Also Beetle Bailey: I suspect the General is walking around with some sort of sleep mask with open eyes printed on the front, just spouting random phrases at whoever happens to be nearby. But given the narrowness of the new recruit’s neck and the way her head doesn’t change position from panel to panel, I know she’s made up of two kids in an Army uniform holding up a mannequin’s head.
GT: Wait, this Gil can go to jail for assault? Jules, he used to be in the Service, you know.
FLASH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! This is what happens when the show runs out of original source material, like the last season of “Game of Thrones”.
Crankshaft: According to the strip’s Wikipedia page, Ed is a World War II vet, which means he’s north of 100 years old. Judging by Pam’s smirk, the family will throw one hell of a party when Ed finally kicks the bucket.
Crankshaft: I50.32 Chronic diastolic (congestive) heart failure related to terminal prognosis, F01.51 Vascular dementia, unspecified severity, with behavioral disturbance and wordplay, unrelated to terminal prognosis, just annoying.
@The Rambling Otter: Or at least a a Polk!
Phantom: I finally figured out Diana’s constant annoying use of “darling” to address her husband. Once in the throes of passion she called him “Kitty,” and he skull-punched her jaw.
GT: Oh, Jesus. I guess this is going to be the wedding entertainment.
Dustin: His strategy of breaking in via the men’s bathroom window a week ago, thus causing the restaurant owner to have bars installed, pays off. Well, to the point he screwed it up anyway.
BG&SS: Loweezy’s pretense, playing unaware of Snuffy’s debilitating painkiller addiction, is something Doc Pritchard allows, seeing how much of his business is in keeping them coming back.
BB: By “streamlining the supply chain,” she means taking the kitchen recycling back into the food coolers and turning it into something for tonight’s dinner. Possibly “hash,” or “chef’s surprise.” Halftrack approves because he eats at home.
FC: Well! Thel wasn’t expecting THIS when she ordered the soup n’ sandwich special.
“Honestly, Fuzz, I was expecting a bit more out of the expert from Army Materiel Command, but she’s hot and you’re not, so shut that mouth Lieutenant unless you want to keep yapping from the stockade.”
GT- “What do you think, hon? I had my chest waxed!”
@Bob Tice:
It’s the only way she can see her brother Beetle.
Beetle Bailey: This new character is being brought in as the anti-Beetle. His hat covers his eyes, hers is half a foot above her eyes; she’s practical, he’s lazy; he’s. . . he’s. . . welp, I’ve run out of defining characteristics for the character introduced today and the one whose name has been on the strip every day for seventy-five years.
GT: On second thought, there is something vaguely disturbing about the crotch-length bridal gown with the poofy little-girl sleeves, like she’s going to require Gil to keep her diapered during the honeymoon. Where’s Fashion Police when you need her? Or just the police?
Crankshaft: “I’m beat—like, balloon gone outta my sails beat, daddy-o, school bus mangled mail box beat, man, gear-grinding back-road winding beat, beat as a hot sun BBQ grill ex-PLODE like an atom BOMB, beat like a broken brain malaprop minor-league bad baseball hop beat, dead dream sad soul evil eye beat, beat like a kicked dog dead horse always getting worse—I say I’m beat, man, beat—B E A T.
FC: “Why does daddy call it “shit on a shingle” when it looks like barf on a bun?
GT: Jesus Christ, what the fuck kind of “fuck me right here on the altar” wedding dress is that?!?
Heathcliff: The great thing about Heathcliff is that we have no idea if that’s a guy in a milk mascot costume or a giant, semi-anthropomorphic sentient milk jug out for revenge for whatever Heath did to its low-fat brethren. That’s what makes this art. Of a sort.
@jvwalt: well, he *could* have been 18 in 1945 and just inducted before the Japanese surrender, which would make him 99.
Bizarro : I’m not Cthulhu, but I play him on TV, is this how YOU do it?
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Between Friends : her daughter should follow her example; completely zone out whenever people talk to her about the tasks she needs to do, and constantly mentally demonise the people assigning them!
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Crankshaft : compares his being completely out of wind with a balloon deflating… because he made the same noise when it happened…
…he sharted himself, is where I’m getting at.***********
Ripley’s Don’t Believe It :
a) I don’t remember the episode where Maya tries to convince the rest of the hive to streamline the supply chain, and they responded by trying to repeatedly headbutt her into submission, but I wouldn’t disbelieve if it did happen.
b) That “smelly oil” has a specific name you can call it, but it happens to be the name of a litigious celebrity so the strip isn’t using it.
c) Oh hey, that guy Hagar was gushing about yesterday? Turns out he was just buttering Hagar up to try to bum him for ride (in his horse carriage? Or maybe he wanted to borrow a drakkar?)
Questionable Malcontent:
Anh is already totally over Yay’s bullshit and she’s only just met them.
Which makes one wonder why the rest of the cast, who are supposedly more intelligent than Anh, still tolerate Yay at all.
GT: “Isn’t this wedding dress great? Goldie Hawn wore it on Laugh-In in 1968!”
“Verrrrryyyyy interesting!”
“You bet your sweet bippy!”
With his last breath, Ed Crankshaft whispers, “Memento moron.”
MW- Two carp after the same kernel of corn.
Cranky: “And by balloon I mean my bladder. Oops!”
@14 Ukranazi Stepan: The author of this comment, Mr. Stepan, has never set foot in the US, English not his first language, yet he understands more about how the US political system works than many Americans.
@6 Bob Tice: Ha ha! He said, “Hubble’s constant!”
@23 The Quiet Man: Don’t forget the ascots!
@29 Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Luann thinks the Hershey Highway is in Pennsylvania.
BB: It’s funny because sexual harassment in the workplace is a keystone issue for both second-wave and fourth-wave feminism, and the lack of progress on this front has rendered Beetle Bailey uncharacteristically up-to-date.
C’shaft: Pam is trying so hard not to smile. She’s seen her dad’s crimes against the English language too many times to expect that he’ll finally drop dead of a stroke…and yet, each time she can’t help but hope that maybe, maybe this time she’ll be lucky.
@jvwalt: Crankshaft’s backstory is that he pitched for the 1940 Toledo Mud Hens. The youngest member of that team was born in March 1919, which would make Crankshaft at least 107 years old now. At LEAST. You can’t make him more than a year or two younger than that, because then he’d be too young to be immediately drafted, as his backstory also says. Furthermore, being a 21-year-old in AA (the highest level at the time) would have made him a legit phenom, not a guy who would have gotten one shot. Especially after older players started getting leaving for the war, like Bob Feller.
BB: “Streamline the supply chain” sounds like something Dilbert’s pointy-haired boss would say. It’s an empty bit of jargon that doesn’t mean anything without details of *how* you’re going to streamline it. The fact that two people are fighting over ownership of this idea proves that both of them are useless.
MW: This ghosting is so lame that Tommy deserves the broken heart he’s about to get. “No, I need to go out-of-state for a long time to meet my, uh, half-aunt! Yeah, my father’s half-sister will be able to give me insight into why my, uh, father was a jerk! Yeah, that’s it. Did I mention my father was a jerk? Well, he was.” Not only is she not coming back, she’s going to be playing hide the salami with someone the whole time. I’d like to think it’s a handsome scuba instructor, but it’s probably just another 30-something grocery store clerk/rehab case like Tommy.
GT: What the Hell?! Is that from the Brooke McEldowney Collection?
Also, apparently we can’t be bothered to give Beth female friends or relatives to help her choose her wedding dress, as that would distract from her primary purpose in life: trophy wife to White Male Protagonist Gil Thorp.
Luann: The enticing incentives to get them through the door, the high-pressure sales pitch, the hidden fees…I’m wondering if these two managed to wander in to a time share presentation by mistake.
MW: Oh, I can’t wait to find out the convoluted reason Brandy has for leaving Tommie and moving the Florida without explaining why. Maybe her father’s half-sister is a homicidal lunatic and she needs to help her half-brother keep her from wandering off.
Beetle – Those new recruits supplied by Amazon have a lot of great suggestions! And they seem happy here, too. No matter how hard we push them in basic training, they still say it’s easier than working in the warehouses.
Don Abundio, translated:
“… excuse me, but I see a fly buzzing around in here. An expert swordsman can cut a fly in two in midair, as I shall demonstrate…”
“I’ve got him on the defensive”
@Ukulele Ike: I’m getting a real “psychological horror about an aging child actress desperately clinging to her glory days” vibe from that dress.
GT: So, is Beth trying to tell Gil she’s preggers, because that sure looks like a maternity blouse.
GT: That dress must be part of the Dolly Keane collection, for men who want to pretend they’re having sex with underaged girls, without actually breaking the law or paying for a trip to Bangkok.
GT: I’ll at least give her credit for not picking the ubiquitous strapless mermaid dress.
GT: That dress looked great, on Shirley Temple back it 1937.
FC – Thel’s expression says that she just realized that she’s been dead all along and is in Hell.
Mae Mae lost weight
Gasoline Alley – That’s the office of a secretary in a minor corporation, not a gas station.
Gil Thorp – It’s not clear if this is the wedding dress or a negligee for the wedding night – who can tell? In any case, why is Gil there? He’s not supposed to see the bride’s apparel before the wedding.
Thanks to the abominable artwork, I’m getting Bride of Frankenstein vibes. All that’s missing is the wavy updo.
Beetle Bailey: General Halftrack is just savvy to his own genre. This is a comedy, so chances are good that – like in far too many comedies – the writer is so scared of being seen as sexist that all the women will be mature, hypercompetent straight (wo)men killjoys who go “oh you guys…” whenever the men are doing something fun (but probably stupid). Ergo, anytime one of his male subordinates recommends something, he runs it by the personality-less, logic-spouting cardboard statues that make up his female subordinates to make sure it’s actually a good idea and not just a setup for wacky antics. Pretty clever of him!
Crankshaft: “…Actually, y’know what, scratch that, I’m gonna go back outside and walk in again and come up with something better, that balloon line was shit even by my standards, I apologize.”
GT: That dress reminds me of an episode of “Petticoat Junction” where one of the Jo’s (the one who married the cropduster pilot) was picking out her wedding dress and one of them was a mod mini skirted dress that quickly got the thumbs down by everybody.
@TheDiva: I really would not like to see a 54 year old Bette Davis wearing that dress.
”Butcha are in that chair, Blanche! Ya ARE in that chair!”
“Jane, could you at least put on a bathrobe?”
@I speak Jive: I wonder whether 31 year old Elsa Lancheser had the legs to wear that? But that’s nobody’s business but Charles Laughton’s. Who may never have noticed.
BEETLE BAILEY: Maybe the general’s addled horny mind thinks her advice is some type of sexual come-on.
General Halftrack (lecherous grin): “I’d like to ‘streamline‘ her ‘supply chain‘, if you know what I mean, heh, heh.”
Lt. Fuzz: “What do you mean?”
General Halftrack: (confused): “I don’t know. But she’s pretty, so whatever it mean I want to do it to her.”
Yeah this sounds like the writer’s method to get the general back to his pervy old ways and thinking he can avoid sexual harassment claims if he puts the “attractive” lady in standard fatigues instead of tight, skimpy mini-dresses to make it less obvious when the general is leering at boobs or whatever.
@Ukranazi Stepan: Optimistic of you to presume that anyone in Rex Morgan knows what sex is, let alone has it. Y’see, sex is interesting and enjoyable, two of the things that Rex Morgan as a series fears the most.
@jvwalt: The idea of Crankshaft being a veteran of any kind, let alone one who fought in World War fucking II, is mind-boggling. Like, did he make bad puns and malapropisms while liberating concentration camps?
@Anonymous: No. Azathoth, the blind idiot god writes all my sermons. I’m told his pipers contribute most of the jokes.
Mary’s Worst: The Captain on that plane in the background of panel 1 is radioing, “I’m sorry, we haven’t been cleared to land due to an emotional scene between two people whose noses are in the way of them kissing. Ill update when I.have more info.”
@I speak Jive, @Ukulele Ike: Now that you mention it, that dress does look like the negligee Madeline Kahn wore in Young Frankenstein.
The Familliar Mucus: “Mommy! The waitress barfed all over your sandwich! Ya gonna eat that?”, asks Dolly.
GIL THORP: I’m sorry, did they book their wedding at the Boom Boom Room on the outskirt’s of town or something?
BB – No joke here, just good solid advice: If your great idea can fit into a single comic strip balloon, it has a greater chance of being well received than if it’s a 500 page tome you’ve dumped on the General’s desk.
@I speak Jive: It’s been a hot minute since my own nuptials, but I’m pretty sure “attire for the wedding” and “attire for the bedroom after the wedding” are usually not sold in the same establishment. But hey, when’s the last time this strip steered us wrong on real-world logistics?
LUANN: Phil: I keep trying to shoot for my dream of living in unaffordable apartments I’ve done nothing but gripe and complain about for days, but that target that I didn’t want and wasn’t aiming for keeps moving away. What’s up with that?
LUANN (2): Phil: “I’m not rich and I have you.”
Yeah…still no chemistry there. Certainly not as much “chemistry” in whatever substance Luann has been imbibing lately to get her eye to dilate as wide as they have been lately with goofy grins plastered to her face (trust me, that substance is not “hot fudge.)
@CanuckDownSouth: I think his first quip “I hear you’re marrying the bartender” is what raised his ire.
Luann: Eating ice cream for lunch is probably the most accurate early 20s thing I have seen in this comic.