Metapost: No fuss, no muss, just COTW
Post Content
Here it is! Real quick! Your top comment! Of this whole dang week!
“I love how Tommy greets everything in life like a fresh-born baby. He got off drugs when a pharmacist told him that there were treatments for addiction, and he reacted like it was the first he ever heard of such a thing. Now he’s looking at the photos in a barber shop and thinking, ‘Wait, so hair … can be cut, and even styled? Wow, that actually explains so much.’” –Dan
And your runners up! Very funny!
“I am so angry at Judge Parker (both the strip and the character) for making me sympathize with Judge Parker for making a sandwich. It’s literally the most relatable thing he’s ever done.” –Drew, on BlueSky
“For a comic that’s mostly just people yapping at each other, the characters of Judge Parker don’t seem to communicate that well.” –Tabby Lavalamp
“Judging by the way those animals are leering at each other, they’re not about to allow the Keane’s puritanically revisionist ‘one of every animal’ policy stop their forty days and forty nights of fornication.” –Guts Dozier
“I can’t believe that Luann is into retro 80s pop culture, because that would be a personality trait and she has proven herself to be completely unburdened of those.” –TheDiva
“Bernice, you’ve been living with Luann’s family for six years now. Your goal all along has obviously been to replace your ‘friend’ and be the responsible, sensible daughter that Nancy and Frank have never had. So let Luann move in with her gentleman friend. THIS IS GOOD NEWS FOR YOU!” –Joe Blevins
“A lot of great facial expressions on display in today’s panel. We have a content kitten, the world’s smuggest giraffe, a horse who is clearly up to no good, an elephant worried by the things he can never forget, and a confused but enthusiastic frog. (Obviously the implication is that these are all toys, but I prefer to imagine that these are real creatures the Keane children recruited from some psychedelic, half-imagined hell-world.) Even Mama Keane is getting in on the facial expression action, with a sly grin that is an entirely inappropriate reactions to these two’s sub-antics. I suspect she’s just pleased that they are surprisingly open to the idea of being set adrift on the open ocean, which will make things easier when she sets into motion her plan to rid the house of its redheaded population once and for all.” –Vulpes
“I don’t know. I just feel like, if I was presented a deep fried, seasoned, battered slice of human flesh on a bun, I couldn’t tell you with any certainty if I had known the guy. Clearly Mr. Merking is running a scam to get his sandwich on the house.” –Vanya
“I love the teacher’s horrified expression in the last panel. ‘My God, this child has realized the pointlessness of what we’re doing here! This changes everyth– oh, wait, the teacher’s union runs this state. Sit down and shut up, kid.’” –A Grave Mind
“Momma said I should be more worried about sun poisoning.” –Lauralot
“God, these interviews are tedious. Stupid ugly high school athletes. How many more of these are there? Does that line ever end? How long have I been here? Feels like eternity. Are these kids getting weirder looking? How come the clouds aren’t moving? Oh. Oh, god. We didn’t survive that car crash, and I’m in my ironic hell.” –Voshkod
“Iconic body language from Marvin’s grandpa, here! He may be sitting on a park bench in the sunshine with his grandson, but by jing, he’s pissed about it!” –Victor Von
“I’ve always put my grandpa on a pedestal. But he keeps climbing back down. All his complaints about having arthritis are baloney!” –Peanut Gallery
“Little does Rusty know that saying an exclamation mark out loud is considered an act of aggression by raccoons. They usually respond by ripping their adversary’s face off while saying a grawlix.” –Weaselboy
“That’s actually a chicken-proof cap — the FDA wanted to be sure there were no more opioids in the egg supply. (Why do you think people were willing to pay $8 per dozen?)” –BigTed
“Tommy is walking aimlessly down a street, staring blankly, and becomes fascinated by the front of a barbershop. Pretty sure the ‘whether to do drugs’ decision was made at least fifteen minutes ago.” –Where’s Rocky?
“That’s a cool looking front … I’m positive the gangsters who run this ‘barber shop’ are looking for drug runners.” –2+2=7
“I am a bit surprised that Mary Worth will be the first legacy comic to address looksmaxxing.” –Everything Is Better With Monkeys
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19 replies to “Metapost: No fuss, no muss, just COTW”
Congrats to Dan, the floaters, and future Baja-winners and Scroters ^^
I still wish I was doing the Golden Otter Awards but it was just too much for me, and I deeply apologize. But it was fun :3
Congratulations to Dan and the Floaters, the future Shadowers, and the Scroters:
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
BigTed
May 9th, 2026 at 4:43 am Reply
Pluggers: If a plugger is having an aspirin emergency, it’s probably because the 911 operator told him to take some for his heart while waiting for the ambulance. The hard-to-open packaging is actually a life-threatening problem, so stop laughing, people!
Ken
May 9th, 2026 at 5:56 am Reply
Pluggers: Toilet paper with multiple layers of packaging? I don’t think they even had that during the pandemic. Where is this plugger shopping, a hotel supply store?
DonA In Pennsyltucky
May 9th, 2026 at 5:33 am Reply
I will never forgive the Tylenol murderer. Thanks to them we have the multiple layers of packaging to contend with.
Tabby Lavalamp
May 9th, 2026 at 6:05 am Reply
Pluggers are old enough to remember the Tylenol scare but annoyed enough that they will take that chance, damn it, they don’t need to get a headache trying to open their headache remedy! Just sell them handfuls of pills like they’re bulk jelly beans! While they’re at it, can they just buy loose rolls of toilet paper please?
A Grave Mind
May 9th, 2026 at 4:29 am Reply
Pluggers was just too classy to tell us that this guy already crapped himself. It’s a vast tapestry of slightly-difficult-to-open stuff!
ValdVin
May 9th, 2026 at 5:45 am Reply
Pickles is also to be thanked for high road-taking. “The facilities” is a bit formal, but Nelson has big ears. Earthier phrases like “Grampa uses the crapper” and “So’s your old man” will enter his vocabulary soon enough.
Bob Tice
May 9th, 2026 at 5:33 am Reply
Pickles:
“This is admittedly a bit unusual, because Grandpa doesn’t, um, ordinarily resort to standard protocol before engaging in this particular activity.”
Victor Von
May 9th, 2026 at 6:43 am Reply
Pickles: Don’t worry, “peeing himself” isn’t Grandpa’s nemesis, it’s zippers. Slow down, Pickles, you’ll hurt yourself!
Little Blue Bicycle
May 9th, 2026 at 6:43 am Reply
BC /Pluggers: You know you’re a Plugger when you remember that Tycho Brahe died a painful death after waiting too long to urinate.
Morgan Wick
May 9th, 2026 at 7:09 am Reply
Tycho Brahe is important enough in the history of astronomy and even science (his observations were the basis of Kepler’s laws of planetary motion, which in turn helped Isaac Newton iron out how gravity works) to warrant a mention in courses about those things, but not so important to mention irrelevant details like his missing piece of a nose (and others have mentioned a more interesting detail to include regardless). Still, I wonder how many people read this and, at least initially, thought it was talking about a webcomic character.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
The Quiet Man
May 9th, 2026 at 5:10 am Reply
Luann: After I stopped laughing hysterically at the idea of Luann getting any job higher that chief table-wiper and floor-mopper, I marveled at how our ‘heroine’ has reached yet another new low. Is she implying that she’s going to get this job, give Phil part of her earnings and still live in her parents home, in her pigsty of a room? If Phil doesn’t take her up on that offer, he’s even dumber than she is!
CanuckDownSouth
May 9th, 2026 at 5:16 am Reply
Luann So we’re trying to set up “Three’s Company” jokes… except they’re dating… in the 21st century. Riiighhtt. The audience of this comic is officially grandparents resolutely putting their fingers in their ears and going “la la la I can’t hear you!” to the suggestion they their grandkids who have moved in with someone of the opposite sex might *gasp* not actually be Saving It for the wedding night
Ukranazi Stepan
May 9th, 2026 at 5:00 am Reply
Wary Morth:
Whisky is fleeing because she just discovered that Tommy and she are both Hardy Har Hart’s children from the other side of the sheets. The DNA test was just confirmatory; she knew already. The dead giveaway was that they all have the unique mutation that lets them cry from one eye at a time.
Lauralot
May 9th, 2026 at 5:21 am Reply
MW: Either Brandy is moving in with her half-aunt she has yet to actually meet and is bringing a single backpack’s worth of possessions for this relocation, or she’s every bit as stupid as Tommy. This being Mary Worth, it could go either way.
richardf8
May 9th, 2026 at 6:18 am Reply
MW – Don’t get on that newfangled contraption, Brandy! Travel safe on a genuwine old fashioned steam powered aereoplane!
Peanut Gallery
May 9th, 2026 at 7:01 am Reply
RMMD – That’s the sort of attitude an employer likes to hear from their wait staff. “Oh, here comes another customer.” Too bad she has her back to us so we can’t see the eye roll.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Ukulele Ike
May 9th, 2026 at 6:50 am Reply
6Chx: She’s going to fuck that dog, isn’t she?
Liam
May 9th, 2026 at 6:02 am Reply
Hi and Lois-Hi is going to give Lois a pearl necklace.
Baja Gaijin
May 10th, 2026 at 4:31 am Reply
Rex Morgan: I didn’t think it was possible. I really didn’t. I almost can’t believe what I’m seeing. Tell me it’s not true. Did I just read about the most bald faced (figuratively) incompetent blackmailer ever? I mean, Toby Cameron-level stupidity. Hell, I’ll go all the way: Luann deGroot dumbassery. Oh. My. God. I think I lost a dozen IQ points reading today’s strip. Maybe more. Gad, Lonnie’s brain must have the density of depleted uranium to hatch this plot.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Pozzo
May 10th, 2026 at 4:34 am Reply
The last panel of Mary Worth needs to be someone’s Facebook cover photo.
TK
May 10th, 2026 at 4:52 am Reply
For example, Toby, I’ve given Dr. Jeff the illusion that he can bed me at some point in our relationship. And, it will continue to be an illusion while I get endless sunset cruises and free dinners at the Bum Boat.
Lou Skunt
May 10th, 2026 at 6:52 am Reply
@TK: For example, Toby, I’ve given Dr. Jeff the illusion that he can bed me at some point in our relationship. And, it will continue to be an illusion while I get endless sunset cruises and free dinners at the Bum Boat.
**
Dr. Jeff must jack off a lot.
pugfuggly
May 10th, 2026 at 4:44 am Reply
MW: There’s something really funny about these two talking about human connection while sounding like a couple of customer service chatbots caught in an infinite loop. And by ‘funny’ I mean ‘sad’.
Buck Ripsnort
May 10th, 2026 at 6:25 am Reply
Mary Worthless: Look, Harve just pissed away $200,00 dollars without anyone in his family even noticing; fuck Harve. Meanwhile Tommy, without his girlfriend/the woman who holds the lease on his apartment, may be homeless soon. Dude lives like a garage band drummer.
Tabby Lavalamp
May 10th, 2026 at 7:04 am Reply
The only question is what font to use for my “MEANWHILE, TOMMY BEEDIE WEEPS…” tattoo. I’m thinking the most perfect sentence ever written deserves the greatest font of all time, Comic Sans.
richardf8
May 10th, 2026 at 8:32 am Reply
MW Why don’t you go
fucklove yourself? – Justin Bieber.MKay
May 10th, 2026 at 5:12 am Reply
MW: The fact that the quote box is not from “Eleanor Rigby” has ruined my day.
Bob Tice
May 10th, 2026 at 4:35 am Reply
MW:
What if one’s a self-absorbed jerk
And one’s rhyme doesn’t ever work?
— Justin Bieber
JP:
The “car” not being in the “garage,” and no one knowing why, is clearly some kind of metaphor for something, but I’m not sure what. Maybe it’s, like, the opposite of the train going into the tunnel at the end of North by Northwest.
Ettorre
May 10th, 2026 at 5:30 am Reply
Oh no, Ann! This means… Listen, I can’t even pretend to care about who these people are. The only thing I am interested in is knowing what kind of sandwich
Vulpes
May 10th, 2026 at 4:53 am Reply
Hagar the Horrible:
It’s interesting that Mean Max is so unpleasant when you consider that Hagar, despite being labeled “horrible”, was just a few days ago gushing about getting to pet a baby bunny. Anyway, good on Mean Max for refusing the dangerous pseudoscience that passed for healthcare in 10th century Scandinavia. His refusal to undergo bloodletting was probably key to his successful recovery!
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Guillermo el chiclero
May 11th, 2026 at 7:04 am Reply
Dustin: More shots of Dustdad’s fat, ugly man boobs but never of Helen’s low hangers.
FC: The Hell with the stuffed animals. Thel is rocking her sweater puppies and skin tight yoga pants.
Liam
May 11th, 2026 at 4:35 am Reply
FC-Did the plumbing break again?
Anonymous
May 11th, 2026 at 4:31 am Reply
Unbeknownst to Ma Keane, camouflaged by the art style is a very real alligator that the two of them “saved from the Flood”, meaning found in the storm drain. Things are about to go from Genesis to the Book of Job.
Ettorre
May 11th, 2026 at 4:35 am Reply
“We’re playing ark. Since it’s just me and Jeff on the sofa, you can guess what kind of horrible sins Billy and P.J. have committed to deserve being washed away by the flood! No really, they were depraved beyond human imagination!”
pugfuggly
May 11th, 2026 at 4:41 am Reply
FC Really liking the look that gator is giving “Flood? Fuck that, I’m taking my chances…”
Pozzo
May 11th, 2026 at 4:44 am Reply
FC: Well, I suppose the dinosaur and the alligator could mate. Good luck, humanity. after that.
Guts Dozier
May 11th, 2026 at 4:45 am Reply
FC: Judging by the way those animals are leering at each other, they’re not about to allow the Keane’s puritanically revisionist “one of every animal” policy stop their forty days and forty nights of fornication.
Victor Von
May 11th, 2026 at 5:39 am Reply
Family Circus: What’s that giraffe got to be smug about? At least there are two bears on this boat, Necky! They’re both males, so they won’t be able to propagate the species, but at least they won’t die knowing they’re the last of their kind!
cheech wizard
May 11th, 2026 at 5:42 am Reply
FC- “That’s nice, Dolly… wait, do I hear the bathtub running?”
CanuckDownSouth
May 11th, 2026 at 6:02 am Reply
Luann The Evanses can’t even bring themselves to script someone saying Luann would “move in” with her boyfriend. They’re going to have Bernice ask Luann whether Phil will take her to the sock hop next, aren’t they?
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
I speak Jive
May 11th, 2026 at 7:41 am Reply
Mary Worth – A normal guy would think he’s batchin’ it (or whatever the kids say today) for a while, so he can hang out with his friends he hasn’t seen for a while. Not Tommy, who’s carrying on like a junior high kid who won’t see his latest crush for a couple of weeks.
When Brandy does let him know that it’s over, she will have dodged a bullet.
Pozzo
May 12th, 2026 at 4:31 am Reply
GT: “Fewer” dead rats, not “less.” Guess that, in order to maintain its sports programs, Milford has been cutting back on its English faculty.
A Grave Mind
May 12th, 2026 at 4:31 am Reply
FEWER dead rodents, girlie! Fewer! Pedantry is my sword and my shield!
A Grave Mind
May 12th, 2026 at 4:33 am Reply
@Pozzo:
Damn, in stereo joke, there.
MKay
May 12th, 2026 at 4:45 am Reply
GT: First, “fewer” dead rodents. Second, WHAT?
matt w
May 12th, 2026 at 5:24 am Reply
C’mon yinz, she means the rodents on the golf course are not as dead! Big fan of not quite dead rodents, she is.
But What Do I Know?
May 12th, 2026 at 6:06 am Reply
GT — I am delighted that a host of curmudgeons have already expressed their outrage over the misuse of “less” for a count noun. Makes me feel like I’m home.
Weaselboy
May 12th, 2026 at 6:11 am Reply
GT – If you’re going to talk about dead rodents on the golf course, you pretty much have to mention Caddyshack. Perhaps the strip has decided to include
lessfewer movie references.Victor Von
May 12th, 2026 at 5:47 am Reply
Gil Thorp: There’s a reason interviews aren’t usually presented in a montage format. I like a round of bizarre non-sequiturs as much as the next guy, but it’s keeping us from getting the hard answers!
What about Coach Thorp, Lucas? WHAT ABOUT HIM?
richardf8
May 12th, 2026 at 4:33 am Reply
RMMD – I love Lorna/Mae-Mae’s approach to blackmail – well if a dumb shit like you figured it out, I might as well tell ’em myself!
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
MKay
May 13th, 2026 at 4:41 am Reply
MW: We have to endure all of this prattle, while Mary’s just going to say, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” and bing, bang boom, Tommy’s contentedly eating a muffin.
The Quiet Man
May 13th, 2026 at 4:37 am Reply
JP: They go in the diner only to find drunken Judgey Wudgey thrusting a picture in the faces of customers babbling ‘Have you seen this SUV??’
Ken
May 13th, 2026 at 5:12 am Reply
JP: Kidnapping, assault, grand theft auto, all leading up to… “I’m starving.” Wow, all the dramatic tension just leaked out of that scene. I doubt the diner will be a RMMD crossover, but dare I hope that Ann and Neddy run into “Pumpkin” and “Honey Bunny” from the Tarantinoverse?
Ukulele Ike
May 13th, 2026 at 5:34 am Reply
JP: “Doing multiple felonies always gives me an appetite. I’m thinking of a big ol’ plate of diner liver and onions. And a chocolate phosphate.”
nescio
May 13th, 2026 at 4:55 am Reply
Is Marvin being subjected to a Liver-and-Onions fart in the second panel? If not, he should be.
Anonymous
May 13th, 2026 at 4:52 am Reply
Marvin : you MAY think today’s Marvin is not scatological, but you’d be mistaken : Marvin’s grandpa did not say that his favorite meal is liver and onions by using his words, but unwittingly said it because that’s what the scent of his flatulence betrays to anyone who breathes it in (Marvin’s height and downwind position makes him the ideal victim for this).
pugfuggly
May 13th, 2026 at 4:58 am Reply
Marvin Hey look: the baby whose whole deal is ‘shit factory’ has objections to the smell and/or taste of someone’s food. Someone’s throwing turds from a glass toilet…
Voshkod
May 13th, 2026 at 5:51 am Reply
Sometime between panel one and two, Marvin’s eye disappeared. Maybe there was a sniper. Maybe a hungry hawk. Maybe it just exploded from the gaseous buildup in the titular character. But, typical for Marvin, the strip didn’t show us the action we actually want to see.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Ukranazi Stepan
May 13th, 2026 at 4:35 am Reply
Wrecks Moregone:
Tomorrow:
In a desperate bid to keep his Hollywood Whatsit payday alive, Moustache pushes Mae Mae aside in a desperate attempt to grab the phone, thereby recording evidence against himself for assault and battery. Obviously he’s sacked immediately, so he ends up with no job, no payday, and no freedom.
(Intended lesson: don’t blackmail, kids.
Actual lesson: spy on other people and sell the information to the first person willing to pay before the target gives the information away.)
Bob Tice
May 13th, 2026 at 4:55 am Reply
RMMD:
“What are you doing?”
“Doing a video of your shirt for Scientific American. It’s Schrodinger’s shirt pocket and pen — it’s there, but it isn’t!”
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
May 13th, 2026 at 5:20 am Reply
Rex Morgan, M.D.: “What are you doing?!” “Letting ICE know where our cook is, what are you doing?”
CanuckDownSouth
May 13th, 2026 at 4:52 am Reply
Luann “Wow – that’s a big step, moving in with a boyfrien-” “What? Ew! No, no, we’d of course use bunk beds!”
brendancalling
May 13th, 2026 at 8:13 am Reply
Luann: Tune in next decade, when Phil finally puts his penis in Luann’s vagina.
MKay
May 14th, 2026 at 4:36 am Reply
H&L: Pretty sure that’s a heatstroke-induced seizure. Dot can draw the ambulance when it comes.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Activist
May 14th, 2026 at 4:35 am Reply
RMMD: Alas! Action Hero Lorna Starr is dead. Hurrah! Long live Real Life Action Hero Mae Mae Cudsomething, who saves a diner, a motel, and three jobs in a single post!
2+2=7
May 14th, 2026 at 6:34 am Reply
REX MORGAN M.D.: Lorna Starr: “Can you post this online, Hector?”
Hector: “Um…where am I supposed to post it at, exactly?”
Lorna Starr: “Post it at Website, silly!”
Hector: “Oh ok. I get it now!”
REX MORGAN: Just saying, Lorna, I understand that your creator still thinks the internet is a “system of tubes” or whatever and doesn’t really understand how this works, but nevertheless, you might want to clarify exactly where and how you want this uploaded. You know because you probably don’t want this footage to end up on some hardcore “BBW” site where you’re eagerly telling a bunch a men that they can “meet you at a motel”…where you’re “working”….)
CanuckDownSouth
May 14th, 2026 at 4:42 am Reply
FC Mo-om! Why does *Barfy* get to turn off the invisible fence shocker and *we* don’t?
Charterstone: Dune
May 14th, 2026 at 4:54 am Reply
MW: “They look happy,” Tommy thought balloons about the man with a look of stoic concern on his face as he gently guides an obviously stoned, drunk woman home by her shoulder.
matt w
May 14th, 2026 at 5:51 am Reply
@Charterstone: Dune: You have a cleaner mind than me. I saw their poses and thought “that couple is straight up screwing on the street.”
White Rabbit
May 14th, 2026 at 5:19 am Reply
MW: Here in the Tulsa World today we read, “A former deacon and business manager at the Parish of Christ the King in Tulsa attributed online romances and cryptocurrency investments as the primary motive for stealing over $1.4 million during a court hearing Wednesday.” Life imitating art! Whether he wore ascots isn’t mentioned.
Ken
May 14th, 2026 at 5:24 am Reply
MW: Three observations:
1. Kudos for showing an interracial couple in Santa Royale. (I will politely ignore the possibility that this is how the authors show Tommy’s in the “bad part” of town.)
2. “Tommy feels abandoned.” Is he or isn’t he? I keep harping on this, but from all we’ve seen so far, he could just be whining because Brandy’s away for two weeks.
3. Sadly, despite @Baja Gaijin and @Liam‘s interpretation, I don’t think Brandy will return and suggest Tommy join her new polycule. But I’d love to see how Mary handled that.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Lauralot
May 14th, 2026 at 4:56 am Reply
MT: So when this inevitably ends with a reenactment of Old Yeller with Rusty in title role, will it be Mark or Cherry with the rifle?
Weaselboy
May 14th, 2026 at 5:53 am Reply
MT – Little does Rusty know that saying an exclamation mark out loud is considered an act of aggression by raccoons. They usually respond by ripping their adversary’s face off while saying a grawlix.
Tabby Lavalamp
May 14th, 2026 at 6:03 am Reply
There is evidence that raccoons may be becoming more domesticated. The opposite is true of Rusty.
Austria
May 14th, 2026 at 6:52 am Reply
Oh snap, is Rusty about to befriend a rabid raccoon? Consider me invested.
Guts Dozier
May 14th, 2026 at 5:08 am Reply
MT: I was in Scouts myself as a young lad, and I can confirm that “quietly eating a sandwich” was as fun as it got for a lot of people.
Pluggers: When the coroner eventually comes to examine her body, her dead hands still clutching the unopened pill bottle, he’ll wipe away a tear and say to himself, “No matter what else happened, she was determined to keep her pinky finger extended while holding that bottle. She was a true Plugger until the end.”
Ettorre
May 14th, 2026 at 4:58 am Reply
How do we keep Pluggers away from medicine and thus reduce Social Security debt? Child-proof caps and non-white doctors
matt w
May 14th, 2026 at 5:49 am Reply
Childproof cap jokes? Really? What’s next, Pluggers never take the tags off mattresses, for fear of criminal penalties?
TheDiva
May 14th, 2026 at 6:24 am Reply
Pluggers would happily go back to the days of unregulated and poisoned medications if it meant they didn’t have to suffer a slight personal inconvenience.
Ettorre
May 14th, 2026 at 5:03 am Reply
Richard Nixon, king of Pluggers
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Beau Nair
May 15th, 2026 at 7:54 am Reply
FC: HTT Grandma’s eating a heapin’-helpin’ serving of Hair Pie.
Guillermo el chiclero
May 15th, 2026 at 6:53 am Reply
FC: Back in the kitchen, Thel is thinking, “You’d be so lucky if it were just Sam or Barfy hairs. It’s really my pubic and armpit hairs, you sanctimonious old hag!”
ValdVin
May 15th, 2026 at 6:09 am Reply
FC: The big morning talk ending in “No, Daddy’s not losing his hair!” has some unexpected conversational effects.
Old School Allie Cat
May 15th, 2026 at 6:15 am Reply
MW – A cardinal rule regarding failed relationships – never get a revenge/reinvention haircut!!! Who among us has not Super Kutzed in haste and regrown in leisure?
Glarryg
May 15th, 2026 at 6:17 am Reply
MW: Lonely, desperate, and short on money, Tommy resorts to snorting hair…
Charterstoned
May 15th, 2026 at 4:41 am Reply
MW: Tommy could be a dead ringer for Toby if he donned a pair of hoop earrings and wore cucumbers slices over his eyes.
pugfuggly
May 15th, 2026 at 5:23 am Reply
MW: Did Tommy just get drawn in by a barber’s pole? Let’s hope he doesn’t wander by an arcade or he might just have a seizure.
Weaselboy
May 15th, 2026 at 6:53 am Reply
MW – By “cool-looking front,” you mean they did an effective job of concealing the fact that they sell drugs there, right?
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. Anonymous
May 9th, 2026 at 7:12 am Reply
BC: It’s not really a good joke but I respect the obscure reference, at least.
69. Baja Gaijin
May 10th, 2026 at 7:14 am Reply
Rex Morgan: This is the worst cuck foreplay ever.
[Sorry for Bogarting the 69 slot. I didn’t mean to, but I’m keeping it in here since a “pitching the tent” reference is always worth keeping.]
69. Scratchy Scrotum LXIX
May 11th, 2026 at 7:45 am Reply
Calvin & Hobbes – Watterson could have taken this in a whole different direction with the scoutmaster’s instructions to pitch a tent.
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. BigTed
May 13th, 2026 at 8:32 am Reply
Marvin: “He told me his favorite meal is liver and onions. With some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Aaaaaaugh!“
69. GarrisonSkunk
May 14th, 2026 at 7:16 am Reply
Mark Trail Mix: Wait till the raccoon finds out that in Rusty’s world, PB&J is Pancake batter and Jelly.
I got two Scrotes! I got two Scrotes! Thanks, Scratchy!
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 1
Peanut Gallery
May 9th, 2026 at 7:00 am Reply
Pluggers: Yes, it’s a nuisance getting the child-proof wrapper off a roll of toilet paper, but it’s a small price to pay to ensure that the kiddies don’t strangle themselves with it, or sniff it up their noses to get high.
Arkholt
May 9th, 2026 at 7:27 am Reply
B.C.: I took an astronomy class my freshman year of college and on the very first day the professor said that if we learned nothing else from the class he wanted us to remember two things. One of them was that Tycho Brahe had a silver nose. He specifically said silver, not brass, and in the many years since I’ve heard conflicting reports about what his prosthetic nose was made of, so I’m not sure what to believe.
Of course, I also clearly didn’t pay enough attention in that class because I can’t remember what the second thing was.
ectojazzmage
May 9th, 2026 at 8:32 am Reply
Snuffy Smith: Either I’m a bit dim or this blog’s tendency towards ridiculous readings of mundane comics is leaving a mark on me because my first instinct upon reading this strip was to assume thaf the “punchline” is that Loweezy grows plants for Snuffy to graze on as part of some bizarre furry LARPing thing.
Joe Blevins
May 9th, 2026 at 9:08 am Reply
Pluggers: If you’d told me this was a plugger robbing a jar of mustard at knifepoint, I’d believe you.
I speak Jive
May 9th, 2026 at 9:09 am Reply
Gil Thorp: Vera Wang wanted to cry when she saw this, but she eye rolled so hard that she ended up in the hospital.
Tabby Lavalamp
May 9th, 2026 at 10:12 am Reply
Pluggers: This morning, like every morning, Robert Benson sat at his kitchen table at his home in Export, Pennsylvania, to enjoy his morning coffee and newspaper. Everything seemed ordinary until he got to the funny pages and saw his name. Oh my gosh (he’s the kind of guy who says “gosh”), they used his suggestion! This is the greatest day of his life! Then he read the punchline. No. No, that’s not right. He said “aspirin and Tylenol,” what the heck is this? Toilet paper? TOILET PAPER? He knows how to open toilet paper! He has never given it a second thought!
The rest of his day has been spent on the phone, shouting at everyone he knows that he doesn’t struggle opening toilet paper and to not believe any BS to the contrary that they may see. “By God (he no longer self-censors), McKee! YOU! SHALL! PAY! FOR! THIS!”
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 9th, 2026 at 11:21 am Reply
Dick Tracy: They sent Mumbles out at 3AM, presumably for hard drugs. Even prostitutes are sensibly asleep by that hour.
Tonio
May 9th, 2026 at 12:23 pm Reply
B.C.: Tycho Brahe and Michael Jackson suffered from the same psychological malady – post-nasal depression…uh, I’ll see myself out.
Ukulele Ike
May 9th, 2026 at 2:37 pm Reply
Judge Parker: Poor Neddy! Will she ever find true love and a lifetime of wedded bliss with that crescent wrench-shaped dent in her skull?
pugfuggly
May 10th, 2026 at 4:44 am Reply
Judge Parker: “Alan, where have you been? You’re the titular character of this strip and we haven’t seen you in months!” “Just making a sandwich. That time dilation must be acting up again…”
Ettorre
May 10th, 2026 at 4:55 am Reply
Hägar the Horrible: Christian monks introduced important innovations, such as basic medicine, in the hope of civilising and taming the Vikings. Instead, all it did was to allow violent monsters like Max to survive battle wounds they would have died from, allowing them to return to murder Christians! As usual, trying to make war more human made it more lethal!
MKay
May 10th, 2026 at 5:12 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Lonnie has seriously overestimated himself. And MaeMae has cast iron skillets within easy reach.
Dennis Nim
May 10th, 2026 at 6:24 am Reply
Mary Worth: Brandy – you’re a fine girl; what a good wife, you would be; but your life your love and your lady – isn’t me…
Tabby Lavalamp
May 10th, 2026 at 7:04 am Reply
Mary Worth: The only question is what font to use for my “MEANWHILE, TOMMY BEEDIE WEEPS…” tattoo. I’m thinking the most perfect sentence ever written deserves the greatest font of all time, Comic Sans.
Peanut Gallery
May 10th, 2026 at 7:57 am Reply
Hi and Lois: “We’ll” be back by dinnertime? I thought the whole purpose of taking the kids on a “long car ride” was to come back without them.
Joe Blevins
May 10th, 2026 at 9:20 am Reply
Mary Worth: All the lonely people, where do they all belong? Charterstone, of course.
Ettorre
May 11th, 2026 at 4:35 am Reply
Family Circus: “We’re playing ark. Since it’s just me and Jeff on the sofa, you can guess what kind of horrible sins Billy and P.J. have committed to deserve being washed away by the flood! No really, they were depraved beyond human imagination!”
Liam
May 11th, 2026 at 4:35 am Reply
Family Circus: Did the plumbing break again?
ugfuggly
May 11th, 2026 at 4:41 am Reply
Family Circus: Really liking the look that gator is giving “Flood? Fuck that, I’m taking my chances…”
Ukranazi Stepan
May 11th, 2026 at 4:41 am Reply
Flylock Socks: Slylock fetched a book by Sigmund Freud and talked to the ring about sexual symbolism and yonis until it came out by itself.
Little Blue Bicycle
May 11th, 2026 at 6:34 am Reply
Gil Thorp: The part of Coach Clover will be played today by Frank Oz’s hand.
Tonio
May 11th, 2026 at 6:47 am Reply
The original draft for today’s Family Circus had the animals two-by-two, but it was also totally realistic in a horrifically gruesome way. Dolly and Jeffy had the floor littered with Barbie and G.I. Joe dolls, standing in for the huge mass of bloated, stinking corpses that would surround the boat. Art for kids’ bedrooms and pediatricians’ offices show the Noah in loving cartoonish images, but the Keane kids fully understand its dark meaning and revel in the mass murder. When they reach adulthood, they will maintain the illusion of treacly childhood preciousness, while transforming the world into a place far more terrifying than anything we can imagine.
I speak Jive
May 11th, 2026 at 7:41 am Reply
Family Circus: Someone did a lot of shopping at the Creepy Toys Emporium.
It was definitely holier than thou Grandma. “This alligator will watch over you while you sleep.”
ectojazzmage
May 11th, 2026 at 8:33 am Reply
Family Circus: Mama Keane’s smile will fade quickly when she realizes those aren’t toys and promptly turns on the news to see a headline saying “IDIOT KIDS SOMEHOW ROB LOCAL ZOO”.
Horace Broon
May 11th, 2026 at 10:53 am Reply
Crankshaft: “I’ve decided I’m sick of people coming in here and buying the comics! From now on, this isn’t a shop, it’s a hoarder’s storage space!”
Horace Broon
May 11th, 2026 at 10:53 am Reply
Judge Parker: I love how bewildered Ann looks. “The guy I hit over the head, tied up, and threatened with a wrench and a knife is mad about something! Where did that come from?”
CanuckDownSouth
May 12th, 2026 at 4:36 am Reply
Gil Thorp: Um, is there some sportsball slang I’m unfamiliar with or something we should know about the vermin level of the Milford baseball complex?
A Grave Mind
May 12th, 2026 at 4:37 am Reply
Gil Thorp: “Notably, you haven’t played the course at Dead Rodent Pines, yet. They pretty much have just the one kind of obstacle. But 9 out of 10 buzzards call the Par-3 8th hole “delicious, squawk.”
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
May 12th, 2026 at 5:26 am Reply
Mother Goose and Grimm: On a scale from one to Phish, how high is ol’ Neptune there? High enough to be flying in the oxygen-rich gaseous upper world, where you don’t even use your branchia to distribute hemolymph through your circulatory system, that’s how high.
Tabby Lavalamp
May 12th, 2026 at 5:43 am Reply
Mother Goose and Grimm: I’d look horrified too if I suddenly learned that I worked at a restaurant that served fish sandwiches with the faces still attached.
But What Do I Know?
May 12th, 2026 at 6:06 am Reply
Mother Goose and Grimm: What are the odds that Under the Sea has a birthday promotion where they give you a crown and trident, a la Burger King? But with no shirt or shoes, how did this guy get served in the first place?
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 2
ectojazzmage
May 12th, 2026 at 8:32 am Reply
Curtis: Curtis’ teacher is so gonna take this personally and stalk Curtis in his adulthood, arranging for every job he applies for to demand in-depth knowledge of Moby Dick.
Poteet
May 12th, 2026 at 5:15 pm Reply
Gasoline Alley: I had never thought of hell as possibly being a drugstore, but now I do, and the drugstore parking lot may be purgatory.
GarrisonSkunk
May 12th, 2026 at 7:22 pm Reply
Curtis: “The second time you read Moby-Dick, Capt Ahab and the whale become good friends.”–Jerry Seinfeld
Ukranazi Stepan
May 13th, 2026 at 4:37 am Reply
Murky Tail: I don’t know, Rusty, a raccoon the size of a gorilla would be of concern to *me*.
Lauralot
May 13th, 2026 at 5:27 am Reply
Mary Worth: Newborns have better object permanence than Tommy here.
Ukulele Ike
May 13th, 2026 at 5:34 am Reply
Judge Parker: “Doing multiple felonies always gives me an appetite. I’m thinking of a big ol’ plate of diner liver and onions. And a chocolate phosphate.”
Peanut Gallery
May 13th, 2026 at 6:40 am Reply
Marvin: “I’ve always put my grandpa on a pedestal. But he keeps climbing back down. All his complaints about having arthritis are baloney!”
Ettorre
May 13th, 2026 at 8:49 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Wait, you mean that Mae Mae is her real, birth certificate name and Lorna Starr was just a stage name? That’s actually more interesting that whatever passes for this plot!
Anonymous
May 13th, 2026 at 10:35 amReply
Rex Morgan:
There was a porn-mustached sales-man;
Who had thought of a stupid black-mail plan.
He did not expect her
To borrow a phone from Hector;
Now his get rich quick scheme’s in the shitcan.
MKay
May 14th, 2026 at 4:36 am Reply
Mary Worth: ”As Tommy feels abandoned, he becomes whiny enough to merit a punch in the throat.” That fragment bugged me.
Anonymous
May 14th, 2026 at 4:40 am Reply
Mark Trail: So, what’s going to happen after that raccoon inevitably bites Rusty?
a) Rusty catches rabies
b) Rusty becomes a were-raccoon
c) Rusty gains the proportional powers of a raccoon (and a sudden onset of tv watching indolence)
B and C would be a pleasant return to Rusty being a horrible mutant. NuRusty looks too much like a human.
Lauralot
May 14th, 2026 at 4:49 am Reply
Mary Worth: Who is that in panel two? Tommy’s jaw has never been that broad. Is he catching Gil Thorp face?
Dave in Pittsburgh
May 14th, 2026 at 5:05 am Reply
Mark Trail: Rusty will be in for a shock when it turns out that he found the only raccoon in the forest with a peanut butter allergy.
Guts Dozier
May 14th, 2026 at 5:08 am Reply
Pluggers: When the coroner eventually comes to examine her body, her dead hands still clutching the unopened pill bottle, he’ll wipe away a tear and say to himself, “No matter what else happened, she was determined to keep her pinky finger extended while holding that bottle. She was a true Plugger until the end.”
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
May 14th, 2026 at 5:13 am Reply
Pluggers: In the end, aren’t we all children of a loving God, though? Wait, I’m being handed a note: some of us are children of a loving God, others are horrible human-chicken hybrids.
Voshkod
May 14th, 2026 at 6:11 am Reply
Mark Trail: “Dad, the racoons are biting me.”
“Rusty, feeding wild animals can cause them to become habituated to humans. You should stop feeding them your flesh.”
Ken
May 14th, 2026 at 6:13 am Reply
Pluggers/Mark Trail: Hmmm… You know, if we domesticated the racoon, pluggers could have a pet racoon to open pill bottles and toilet paper for them.
GarrisonSkunk
May 14th, 2026 at 7:16 am Reply
Mark Trail Mix: Wait till the raccoon finds out that in Rusty’s world, PB&J is Pancake batter and Jelly.
Ukranazi Stepan
May 14th, 2026 at 7:17 am Reply
Murky Tail: I hate to crush everyone’s hopes, but if the raccoon bit Rusty, it’s the raccoon who would be at risk of Rustyosis.
A Grave Mind
May 15th, 2026 at 4:33 am Reply
Mary Worth: Is Tommy an Unfrozen Caveman Stockboy? “Wowee Zowee! A haircut place! How do you get your gods to make this thing spin?”
Where’s Rocky?
May 15th, 2026 at 4:35 am Reply
Mary Worth: Tommy is walking aimlessly down a street, staring blankly, and becomes fascinated by the front of a barbershop. Pretty sure the “whether to do drugs” decision was made at least fifteen minutes ago.
Liam
May 15th, 2026 at 4:37 am Reply
Mary Worth: “That’s what I need,” Tommy says looking at the pictures, “I need a man.”
MKay
May 15th, 2026 at 4:38 am Reply
Mary Worth: Which agony is more intense; a love lost or a haircut that you hate? We’re about to find out.
Charterstoned
May 15th, 2026 at 4:41 am Reply
Mary Worth: Tommy could be a dead ringer for Toby if he donned a pair of hoop earrings and wore cucumbers slices over his eyes.
Everything Is Better With Monkeys
May 15th, 2026 at 4:58 am Reply
Mary Worth: I am a bit surprised that Mary Worth will be the first legacy comic to address looksmaxxing.
Ukranazi Stepan
May 15th, 2026 at 5:00 am Reply
Murky Tail: Rusty (handing the phone to Rocky Raccoon): “Tell Mum I’m not here!”
Victor Von
May 15th, 2026 at 5:51 am Reply
Mary Worth: It’s so fun to see Tommy on a journey to personal discovery. And by “personal discovery,” I mean “learning what a barber pole looks like.”
ValdVin
May 15th, 2026 at 6:09 am Reply
Blondie: Elmo’s parents are wasting money on the kiddie sports industrial complex. There’s no athletic scholarship for a kid who hasn’t hit puberty in seventy years.
Glarryg
May 15th, 2026 at 6:17 am Reply
Mary Worth: Lonely, desperate, and short on money, Tommy resorts to snorting hair…
richardf8
May 15th, 2026 at 7:55 am Reply
Phantom: Lady, if you’re going to pop into the cabin every time you hear a scream, maybe this assignment isn’t your bag.
Shadow COTW
——————
Charterstone: Dune
May 12th, 2026 at 6:01 am Reply
Plugger: What did this plugger find under this fetid pile of rotting leaves that could possibly justify the goggle-eyes of horror? A dead hobo? Did he just find a dead hobo? Is he horrified with the realization that thanks to nature as both a bear and a plugger he’s definitely going to eat that dead hobo?
Thanks, Scratchy and Baja.