Metapost: One last May COTW
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As you head into June, enjoy this week’s top comment:
“Boy, those joke-free throwaway panels cast a pall over this whole thing, huh? There’s poor Lucky Eddie, obviously concerned over his sick mother. And these are viking times, so when they say ‘sick’ it’s gotta be something serious, possibly even fatal. Meanwhile, we’re reminded that Eddie’s coworkers neither like nor respect him. ‘I can’t believe I miss Lucky Eddie!’ ‘Yeah, that guy sucks! Say, where is he?’” –Joe Blevins
And the runners up! Very funny!
“Good ol’ Lucky Eddie. He’s got a suitcase, he’s got a mailbox, he’s got a lawn. So close to being a regular guy, but he still runs around (or in this case, hitchhikes around) with a goddam funnel on his head.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
“The male loneliness epidemic has his hit even this comic.” –ectojazzmage
“So there’s no actual food, just a couple of middle-aged men drinking beer, one of whom didn’t even bother to bring his wife along. Happy Memorial Day!” –Pozzo
“Gil is at the Graveyard of Dropped Subplots. ‘Thank you for your service, Sophomore-suffering-from-steroid-abuse and Girl-who-was-a-cutter and .. er .. you, Mr. Whatever-trendy-teen-issue-you-were-dealing-with. Your sacrifice of resolved, coherent storylines was not in vain. It helped me look better, more ‘enlightened.’” –2+2=7
“So she just sorta … stuck her torso out the bottom half of the window, huh? Arms at her sides? Standing straight up? No, no, I get that there are eight little mini-Heathcliffs (Heathscliff?) fluttering after our main guy, that don’t cross my eyes none — right now I’m focusing on the window thing. When a Biblically-accurate Heathcliff shows up, that’s when I stop nitpicking. Possibly forever.” –els
“One thing I learned in a recent Wikipedia hole is that when tanks break down, they require giant tow trucks to collect them and haul them into the shop, a process that is pretty entertaining to watch in old news reels. Of course, tanks are also sitting ducks without close air support and are typically used to advance ground troops, so lady in the car might want to worry both about why Beetle’s out on his own and when the A-10 Thunderbolt IIs are showing up.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
“Does anyone else find it odd that Grimm calls Mother Goose ‘mom’ and wonder if he’s doing it because her name is literally ‘Mother Goose’ even though she doesn’t actually have any children. It seems like Grimm is her pet but he’s actually a completely sentient adult who can go to restaurants and movie theaters and has full understanding of the world around him so he’s not really a pet. Grimm just lives with this bird person and allows her to treat him like he’s her pet even though he’s perfectly capable of living independently. I think we can at least be grateful that there’s no sexual element to this relationship.” –Anonymous
“In the Mother Goose and Grimm universe, Bed Bath & Beyond sells straw, flea dip, and environmental enrichment toys.” –Peanut Gallery
“God, just imagine that the last thing you heard before you died was one of Ed Crankshaft’s little quips. Then imagine the the massive gravitational force of the black hole that killed you stretched that moment into near infinity, as if you passed ten thousand years with those words ringing in your ears. Truly a fate worse than death (followed by death).” –pugfuggly
“Jughead set up his drums right next to the chimney. The fireplace is presumably in the living room. He’s risking his own health and safety just to annoy his father while technically following his orders. I aspire to this level of petty.” –Lauralot
“Dennis is the perfect age to have seen Guardians of the Galaxy and Stranger Things, so he has no problem identifying a cassette tape. A lot of issues interacting appropriately with other people and their stuff, though.” –Schroduck
“As long as Gil likes you, you’re cool with me — and the moment he tires of you, you will no longer exist as far as I’m concerned, because I don’t want to end up in the cornfield. All hail Gil!” –CanuckDownSouth
“Pity the poor, aging newspaper comic artist who is cursed to live in the past but can’t quite remember what a cassette looks like.” –Tabby Lavalamp
“You’re not as bad as I thought, Tommy Beedie! That’s an extremely low bar, though! You still fuckin’ suck!” –Vulpes
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19 replies to “Metapost: One last May COTW”
I *still* want to go all-out physics-geek-mode about the person falling into the back hole *not* being the one experiencing stretched-out time (your proper time will pass normally, folks!) but! I made the float! I made the float! wheee!!
Flattered as always, Josh! Thank you!
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Bob Tice
May 23rd, 2026 at 4:26 am Reply
MW:
“Tommy! — what are you doing with that hand in your pocket?”
“Aw, just feelin’ around for loose change, Mrs. Worth. Say, did I mention how much I miss Brandy?”
TheDiva
May 23rd, 2026 at 5:38 am Reply
MW: I wonder if the Charterstone condo board, much like the Kennedy Center administration, has been filled with a bunch of Worthian sycophants that dutifully sign off on whatever she wants. Carlos Allora isn’t on vacation; he’s seeking relocation advice from the Washington National Opera.
Ukulele Ike
May 23rd, 2026 at 7:20 am Reply
MW: “Swell idea, Mary! I’ll start keeping a herd of goats, for cheesemaking purposes.”
Hibbleton
May 23rd, 2026 at 5:48 am Reply
MW: Mary brings Tommy in to the mix to help with growing a supplemental medical supply.
Ken
May 23rd, 2026 at 6:05 am Reply
MW: You know we’re never going to hear of this vegetable garden again, once it plays its role in the current story line. My guess: The garden is an excuse for Tommy to be shirtless, Dawn gets an eyeful and instantly forgets his past.
Voshkod
May 23rd, 2026 at 6:47 am Reply
Tommy ain’t dumb. He sees that this starts with a communal garden plot but ends with Mary Worth in charge of a Khmer Rouge, purging everyone she sees as undesirable from Charterstone. Get in the ground floor and you can point the gun instead of having it pointed at you, Tommy always says.
Dmsilev
May 23rd, 2026 at 7:01 am Reply
Mary is fertilizing that new vegetable plot with all of the bodies that she’s buried there, right? In a sense, Tommy will soon meet Brandy again, once the tomatoes and zucchini come up.
Peanut Gallery
May 23rd, 2026 at 7:03 am Reply
MW – Tommy’s first assignment is to use his powerful arms to straighten out that bent hoe.
Maltmash3r
May 23rd, 2026 at 5:28 am Reply
MW- how big is that plot? Is everyone at the place really going to enjoy their 3 cherry tomatoes for 3 months?
seismic-2
May 23rd, 2026 at 7:24 am Reply
MW: Trust Mary to come up with a gentle euphemism to avoid having to say what’s really going on. Today we have two examples: “on vacation” = “nabbed by ICE” and “create a supplemental food supply” = “get a cut of Tommy Beedle’s action by growing the marijuana that he sells”.
Anonymous
May 23rd, 2026 at 8:39 am Reply
MW- Mary, Mary, quite contrary; How does your garden grow? With heirloom seeds for some dank-ass weed that I planted with my fucked up hoe.
Lauralot
May 23rd, 2026 at 9:54 am Reply
MW: The last time Tommy did manual labor in Mr. Allora’s place, he injured himself and became addicted to Vicodin. Either we’re getting a replay of that or else Dawn sees Tommy gardening, assumes he must be growing cannabis, and narcs to the DEA.
Just John
May 23rd, 2026 at 10:17 am Reply
@Lauralot: MW: The last time Tommy did manual labor in Mr. Allora’s place, he injured himself and became addicted to Vicodin. Either we’re getting a replay of that or else Dawn sees Tommy gardening, assumes he must be growing cannabis, and narcs to the DEA.
I’m on the same page as Dawn, actually. He’s going to totally misunderstand when Mary casually asks him whether the garden could use a good weeding.
cheech wizard
May 23rd, 2026 at 10:21 am Reply
MW – This is what really annoys me about Karen Moy. She focuses on this mundane crap while skipping over major plot developments, like how the condo board voted to turn Charterstone into a homeless shelter.
Poteet
May 23rd, 2026 at 11:07 am Reply
MW: Is Mary going to keep Tommy around to help with the fencing? Or maybe Santa Royale doesn’t have rabbits, deer, woodchucks, raccoons, squirrels, possums, etc. Here in my little part of flyover country, leaving a veggie garden unfenced, especially a veggie garden in the middle of an extensive green space, would not be prudent if diverse abundant veggies were the goal. But virtue-signaling doesn’t require a fence, so maybe Mary is good now.
Guillermo el chiclero
May 23rd, 2026 at 11:33 am Reply
MW: So Mary’s become a prepper/survivalist. I wonder how many thousands of rounds of AR-15 ammo she has stashed away.
CanuckDownSouth
May 23rd, 2026 at 5:26 am Reply
GT and now they finish the golf match on… Milford’s tropical beach at sunset??
treetown
May 23rd, 2026 at 5:26 am Reply
GT: Is that the world’s largest sand trap behind them? I hope the golf course is secured at night. Sand theft is a real crime.
Crankshaft: Just another example why I love Calvin and Hobbes and respect Bill Watterson so much as a creator. He could have dragged C&H out for 5-6 decades but stopped it voluntarily at 10 years (1985-1995) after a glorious run leaving us hungry for more. Crankshaft needed to retire long ago. At least MW and JP try fitfully to find hooks into the present like catfishing, Russian gulag prisons, etc.
Pozzo
May 23rd, 2026 at 4:55 am Reply
So has Batiuk broken his arm with all of this patting himself on the back?`
matt w
May 23rd, 2026 at 5:03 am Reply
If Batiuk’s whole career was an attempt to set up the world’s largest commaless speech balloon, I will (for the first time) respect that.
Rusty
May 23rd, 2026 at 5:11 am Reply
Too bad he didn’t skip the writing session that begat Saint Lisa.
Rover Berkeley
May 23rd, 2026 at 7:21 am Reply
CS: Okay, you know your strip has a problem when the protagonist has to start making cameo appearances in his own feature.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Ukranazi Stepan
May 23rd, 2026 at 4:41 am Reply
Wrecks Moregone:
“And if we do any more closeups, they’ll start using our faces for dermatology cream adverts. That means an additional income stream!”
seismic-2
May 23rd, 2026 at 7:24 am Reply
RMMD: I’m sorry to burst your balloon, fellow, but this wave of new business is going to fall off rapidly once these celebrity-seeking customers learn that the fat waitress didn’t used to be married to Ringo.
BigTed
May 23rd, 2026 at 9:08 am Reply
Rex Morgan: “Sure, now that I’ve revealed my identity, I could be getting $40 a shot signing autographs at a fan convention. But why not toil as a waitress so this diner can make a $2 profit on $12.95 plates of French toast, and the customers barely tip because they believe I’m rich? Yeah, I didn’t really think this whole thing out very well, did I?”
Baja Gaijin
May 23rd, 2026 at 6:24 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: Congratulations, Dennis, you created your first “Pluggers” submission.
Pluggers: Ha ha! Pluggers are too poverty-stricken to afford a reacher (grabber). Or is it, “Pluggers are too stupid to realize reacher (grabbers) exist”? Maybe it’s, “Pluggers have alienated every young/youngish person they’ve encountered who could pick up things from the floor”? The “Pluggers are extremely fat” is implied.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Liam
May 23rd, 2026 at 7:46 am Reply
Luann-Phil’s just going to have to console himself with advice from Mary Worth while Luann is gone for the summer.
FC-“All we found were these balloons wrapped in plastic.”
Pervy McKinkerson
May 23rd, 2026 at 11:44 am Reply
FC: Does Thel have an ingrown nail on her big toe, or is the artist just afraid to deliver the goods when drawing her wearing nice cocktail party slippers?
Horace Broon
May 23rd, 2026 at 12:05 pm Reply
FC: “I watched him do it without trying to stop him because then I wouldn’t have had anything to narc about!”
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 23rd, 2026 at 10:59 am Reply
9CL: No, I’m sorry, the wedding definitely doesn’t count if the officiant can see the bride’s nipples poking through.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
BigTed
May 24th, 2026 at 4:43 am Reply
Hagar: Cold potato soup? Oh, you mean vichyssoise — clearly the Vikings have been raiding the French for their recipes as well as their valuables. Where they got the idea for modern-style home mail delivery, though, I have no idea.
Tonio
May 24th, 2026 at 4:42 am Reply
Judging by his expression in the bottom left panel, “his plan all along” was to look up the hot shield maiden’s skirt.
richardf8
May 24th, 2026 at 4:48 am Reply
HtH – And before this, she had served in a commando unit!
Anonymous
May 24th, 2026 at 5:41 am Reply
HTH: This is one of the most perverse sexually suggestive family newspaper comics ever, but you should have expected that when the first panel has the name “Dik Browne”. Apparently Hägar is trying to emulate the Diddy “Freak Off” parties. You don’t want to know what she’s going to do with that huge phallic sword.
TheDiva
May 24th, 2026 at 6:04 am Reply
HtH: The blonde sexual harasser was really into it when Lizzie was stepping on him and he could get an upskirt shot, but now that she’s moved on to spanking him with her blade he’s less enthusiastic. Too bad the Vikings didn’t have safe words.
Bookwyrm Pendragon
May 24th, 2026 at 6:21 am Reply
Is this the first time we’ve seen someone actively get killed on-panel in Hagar the Horrible? That’s…kind of a milestone, right?
Ken
May 24th, 2026 at 4:56 am Reply
RMMD: Amazing amount of detail in the orange-haired (and orange-eyed?) customer. I have to assume this is a real person who won some sort of contest to appear in the strip — there has to be some reason an artist would devote that much effort to a throwaway character, while drawing all the regulars as expressionless ovals.
The Quiet Man
May 24th, 2026 at 5:41 am Reply
RMMD: Holy shit, it’s Arch Hall Jr.! To quote the MST3K crew: EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
Ukranazi Stepan
May 24th, 2026 at 6:41 am Reply
Wrecks Moregone:
Do Betty and Veronica know that Archie there has a crush on Mud and washed up overweight Hollywood starlets?
Guillermo el chiclero
May 24th, 2026 at 11:15 am Reply
RMMD: Is that Mud Mountain Murphy over there? Do you think he’ll shit himself if I ask?
MKay
May 24th, 2026 at 5:05 am Reply
RMMD: “And can I have YOUR autograph? I never thought I’d meet Howdy Doody!”
MW: You thought things were dark before, Tommy. Now, you’ve caught Dawn’s eye. Buckle up, buttercup!
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Baja Gaijin
May 24th, 2026 at 6:16 am Reply
Pluggers: Pluggers are too stupid to read the instructions on their life-saving prescription labels printed in decent-sized type in plain English language that tell them the exact dosage, timing, and other important information, such as “with meals” or “not with grapefruit.” Reading the package insert with the tiny printing will not give them the information they need to sustain their lives. Stupid.
Are pluggers just gigantic animal-beast versions of Luann deGroot?
ValdVin
May 24th, 2026 at 7:17 am Reply
Zits: Both of Jeremy’s parents are looking back on the events which led to their not-quite-planned offspring, Walt more fondly than Connie.
UncleJeff
May 24th, 2026 at 8:34 am Reply
Luanne: Someone said it before but it deserves repeating. Les should’ve smashed Gunt in the face. All of their strips should end with Gunt getting smashed in the face.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
pugfuggly
May 25th, 2026 at 5:33 am Reply
Luann: Really enjoying the haunted look on Brad’s face.Hes going to have to study those pamphlets again…
GT “And thanks for leaving me this snazzy uniform! It’s not stolen valor if I just use it to impress chicks, right?
cheech wizard
May 25th, 2026 at 7:45 am Reply
GT – Those aren’t tombstones, they’re tree stumps of all the conifers felled to produce the newsprint that supported this strip during the bulk of its existence and whose continued survival in the Internet era serves as a type of memorial to those dead trees, though in a ghastly, undead way that bears more than a passing resemblance to a zombie movie.
GarrisonSkunk
May 25th, 2026 at 11:50 am Reply
Gil Twerp: Twerp’s plan to use those explosive KAOS golf balls from “Get Smart: I shot 99 today” was a failure, no matter how cheap they were Gil’s thinking “That explosive was made in 1966 it must be harmless by now” was apparently wrong.
Hibbleton
May 25th, 2026 at 5:39 am Reply
GT: I just assume Barajas comes from a country where all males enter service upon reaching 18 years of age and supposes Gil served too.
MW: Does Mary’s garden now extend all the way to Lost Balloonist Park? I appreciate returning the condo parking lot and grounds to green space but not sure how the other residents will respond to her redirecting Charterstone’s water supply to her irrigation system.
MKay
May 25th, 2026 at 5:54 am Reply
MW: So, Dawn, rather than get a REAL job, or even do the simple task of putting away the groceries, you’ve decided to become the Virtue Czar.
Lauralot
May 25th, 2026 at 5:59 am Reply
MW: Dawn is spying on Tommy Beedie from behind a tree. Wilbur spied on Iris Beedie from behing a bush. Like father, like daughter.
Regina Smegma
May 25th, 2026 at 7:12 am Reply
@Lauralot: MW: Dawn is spying on Tommy Beedie from behind a tree. Wilbur spied on Iris Beedie from behing a bush. Like father, like daughter.
***
I’m guessing Dawn has a HUGE bush.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
BigTed
May 25th, 2026 at 4:39 am Reply
Rex Morgan: “Do you want more coffee, odd-looking person who might be either 12 or 40? I think it’s fine if you drink some, maybe or maybe not.”
Bob Tice
May 25th, 2026 at 5:07 am Reply
RMMD:
“Do you want more coffee?”
“No, ma’am. I’ve got to run off to make my audition for the lead role in the Glenwood Players’ forthcoming musical production Carrot Top: The Early Years!”
Weaselboy
May 25th, 2026 at 5:23 am Reply
RMMD – For Lorna, the polite thing to do would be to compliment Alfred E. Neuman on his successful orthodontia.
Horace Broon
May 25th, 2026 at 8:53 am Reply
Crank: I suppose the nice thing about Battom Thomas weeks never actually reaching a point is that it’s a lovely surprise when it turns out they’ve stopped. I mean, it’d be a lovelier surprise if it wasn’t Loathsome Lillian and The Grill Gag, but I’ll take what I can get.
TheDiva
May 25th, 2026 at 7:50 am Reply
C’shaft: I hope that was the sound of Crankshaft’s brittle, impossibly aged body being quickly consumed as he finally immolated himself.
I speak Jive
May 25th, 2026 at 10:19 am Reply
Crankshaft – First, Batiuk dropped Charles Schulz’s name, and now he thinks he’s Don Martin. Dream on.
Loathsome Lillian should recognize FWOOP. That’s the sound Lucille’s soul made when Lil ruined her life.
Dustin: This Memorial Day, the writers of Dustin want to point out that young men today have little interest in military service, and that this is certainly because they are lazy and selfish and has absolutely nothing to do with growing up in the shadow of a “forever war” or recent actions by the current administration.
Professor Well Actually
May 25th, 2026 at 8:06 am Reply
Dustin: having lazy boy join the Marines would be an interesting way to provide a change of direction for this stupid strip. Of course it won’t happen.
Of course he could become Beetle Bailey 2.0. Or he could get shipped to a war zone and the strip ends with a letter from the Department of War.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
treetown
May 25th, 2026 at 6:30 am Reply
DT: Since none of the people shooting are actually sighting their weapons, I supposed there was no reference photo for the artist to use!
UncleJeff
May 25th, 2026 at 8:25 am Reply
@treetown: I knew a guy who was a concealed/carry instructor at a local gun store. He told me he had to correct the stances and handgun holding positions of way too many young men who watched way too many John Woo and Quentin Tarantino movies. (and multiple viewings of “Scarface” — “say hello to my little friend” is not something you should shout at the gun range. Or in the locker room.)
Voshkod
May 26th, 2026 at 6:17 am Reply
“Tanks for the jump start, lady! Get it? Tanks?? She didn’t laugh. Gunner, PC, HEAT, fire!”
Hibbleton
May 26th, 2026 at 5:55 am Reply
BB: Funny how the barrel is two inches from the back of Beetle’s head. Is Killer feeding him lines through the tube?
“Ask her to take off her top!“
Jay Fawley
May 26th, 2026 at 4:41 am Reply
BB: Now *that’s* a “meet cute!”
MW: “I have to revise a column. This letter from some idiot who thinks his girlfriend who’s visiting family has left him has to be a fake!”
Everything Is Better With Monkeys
May 26th, 2026 at 4:49 am Reply
MW – Wilbur will take that walk and spot Tommy being helpful. “The old Tommy Beedle wouldn’t do that,” he thinks from his hiding place in the bushes. And so, a father daughter competition for the affections of a grocery store bag boy begins.
Ukranazi Stepan
May 26th, 2026 at 5:26 am Reply
Wary Morth:
“And then, for additional exercise, I’ll crawl through the shrubbery screaming AUUUUUUGH in practice for when I next see Yak and Irish smooching!”
Little Blue Bicycle
May 26th, 2026 at 5:52 am Reply
MW: there needs to be a trigger warning before Wilbur pops up unexpectedly like that.
TheDiva
May 26th, 2026 at 6:05 am Reply
MW: Going down to the leasing office to steal the cookies set out for potential residents is not a “walk,” Wilbur.
Liam
May 26th, 2026 at 6:08 am Reply
MW-Don’t hurl anyone into traffic, Wilbur.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
CanuckDownSouth
May 26th, 2026 at 5:50 am Reply
Crankshaft I am sorry to have to note that while the mass of a black hole with an event horizon diameter of about 1 foot is only 0.005% that of the Sun, the concentration of that mass within the small event horizon means that the gravitational acceleration at that horizon is about 3e16 times that of the Earth’s (30 million billion times). Given the inverse square law, the difference in forces across a few feet will be a substantial fraction of that enormous force, and far beyond the strain tolerances of any known materials. The Earth is doomed to be torn apart starting with the bits right by the hole. On the plus side, Crankshaft *will* be the first person spaghettified!
CanuckDownSouth
May 27th, 2026 at 6:19 am Reply
FC I really didn’t expect the melonheads to try for a tie-in with the upcoming summer blockbuster by broaching Oedipal themes, but here we are…
nescio
May 28th, 2026 at 4:41 am Reply
Crankshaft in a “Kiss the Cook” apron is my new emetic.
Banana Jr. 6000
May 28th, 2026 at 4:41 am Reply
CS: Someone recently mentioned the Tom Servo advice “don’t mention a good movie during your crappy movie.” Similarly: don’t put your most detestable characters in danger if you’re not going to kill them off.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Liam
May 28th, 2026 at 4:42 am Reply
FC-Bug watching or bug burning?
2+2=7
May 28th, 2026 at 5:48 am Reply
LUANN: You know, I suspect Brad and Toni would solve like 75% of their issues by spending less time dealing Shannon and her bratty coitus interruptus antics. (It’d probably also help if they didn’t have a noisy third-wheel roommate furtively masturbating while listening in to their
having sexual intercourseengaging in juvenile ribaldry.)Artist formerly known as Ben
May 28th, 2026 at 1:27 pm Reply
Luann: “Begetting issues”? Bwad’s first step toward dealing with his and Toni’s fertility problems is to address their hypothetical offspring as if they were a Biblical figure.
brendancalling
May 28th, 2026 at 5:18 am Reply
Luann: why is Shannon covered with what looks to be feces? If Bwad and Tone-deaf can’t even care for Shannon, what business do they have making a baby?
MW: I’ve made the same mistake Tommy’s about to make. Dude, do NOT fuck Dawn. Both of you are too stupid to use birth control, you’ll break up long before Dawn even realizes she’s knocked up, and then you’re gonna have a baby (and a longterm relationship with each other) that neither of you want. Don’t do it, Tommy. Make a withdrawal from the spank bank if you must, but you do NOT want to wake up to the crack of Dawn.
Charterstoned
May 28th, 2026 at 4:44 am Reply
MW: Dawn and Tommy run to escape the dire situation slowly unfolding at Charterstone, where the residents are apparently at risk of starving. Even now, the hollow-cheeked residents anxiously stand at their condo windows, looking out over the trellised vegetable garden, wringing their hands and praying for a speedy harvest so they can fill their pantries with the promised SUPPLEMENTAL FOOD SUPPLY. In her wisdom, Mary has planted okra. “It’s slimy, I admit, and relatively few people really enjoy it, but it’s packed with nutrients,” Mary smiles. “They’ll eat it gladly, once they get hungry enough. I only hope the rains come….”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Bryan
May 28th, 2026 at 10:26 am Reply
DUSTIN: So we’re just gonna repeat the same joke all week? I can’t wait for Lance Corporal Fox to call again tomorrow!
pugfuggly
May 29th, 2026 at 5:09 am Reply
MW: Did these two actually hike into the woods or are we seeing this through Dawn’s fantasy vision? Tomorrow Tommy will morph into a blond version of the Brawny paper towel guy and the transition will be complete.
Ettorre
May 29th, 2026 at 5:21 am Reply
The only consolation of the Iris-Wilbur couple was that they were too old to have kids. But now Dawn and Tommy threaten to spread their cursed genes into the world! Quick Mary, tell them they because Iris and Wilbur were a item they are technically brother and sister and so shouldn’t mate!
MKay
May 29th, 2026 at 5:11 am Reply
MW: Dawn has REALLY had to search to find someone that she can patronize. Still not sure she’s there.
RMMD: When I was a kid, a local shoe store, as a talking point, kept ducks in the front window. I’m picturing Sideburns doing the same to Mae Mae.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Hibbleton
May 29th, 2026 at 4:44 am Reply
GT: Smart of the decorator to leave space between the G and the I in Gil’s name for the word balloon.
Ukranazi Stepan
May 29th, 2026 at 4:47 am Reply
How can you tell if Cami is having fun, or isn’t, or is constipated, or is longing for her after dinner tipple? The wind turned when she was making that face and she can’t get it back to normal.
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
May 29th, 2026 at 5:32 am Reply
Once again, Dennis the Menace is answering the vital questions of our times. For example: How do you keep a moron occupied and quiet for several hours, while sacrificing only a copy of “Abba’s Lesser-Known Regional Swedish Hits”?
Tabby Lavalamp
May 29th, 2026 at 5:42 am Reply
Pity the poor, aging newspaper comic artist who is cursed to live in the past but can’t quite remember what a cassette looks like.
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. Vanya
May 26th, 2026 at 6:57 am Reply
Dustin: Lance Corporal FOX? Really? Should have been more careful, boys. This sort of poorly veiled criticism of the chief propaganda arm of our Supreme Leader would certainly not get by the censors in China, North Korea, or Russia. I assume Kelley and Parker will be “taking a long vacation” any day now.
69. Ettorre
May 27th, 2026 at 7:18 am Reply
Used to be that a true Viking would kidnap his bride, but now they seem to have introduced concepts like consent and waiting until marriage before consumation. Christianity has taken stronger roots than I expected!
69. TheDiva
May 28th, 2026 at 7:00 am Reply
Dustin: I’ve heard that, among the myriad other problems with recruitment, the military is struggling to find young people able to meet the physical fitness requirements for service. Of course, one could point to many potential causes (cutting PE from schools, food deserts that force people to subsist on highly processed convenience store fare), but Parker and Kelly fall back on their favorite standby of “The Kids These Days suck.”
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
Victor Von
May 29th, 2026 at 6:33 am Reply
Gil Thorp: Why is Gil’s name spelled out in letter tiles on the bar’s back wall? Sports bars are a thing, but high school sports bars?
Yeah, I guess that checks out, but only in Milford, where all competing public entertainment was outlawed upon the birth of the once-and-future coach, GT.
A little late for the Memorial Day Parade, but great to be on the float, all the same.
Thanks, Scratchy.
Squeaked in on two wheels there. Thanks Josh, and congratulations to all and sundry!