Employees of the month
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Judge Parker, 9/1/26
The best-case scenario when an attractive younger woman marries a rich, driven older man — well, I guess the best-case scenario is that they genuinely like one another, but the second-best-scenario is that the older man got to be so very rich because he’s so very driven, specifically career-driven, and therefore you as the younger woman can enjoy the financial and social benefits of being married to him without, you know, having to spend a ton of time hanging out with him. But because part of the whole deal is that you are younger than him, you run a greater than average risk that your husband will become a depressed old drunk who just kind of hangs around the house all day, cramping your style. Thus, Katherine is eagerly agreeing to Judge Parker Emeritus Senior’s suggestion that he go down to the courthouse and take care of whatever odd jobs they have for him down there. Is he completely with it these days, mentally? Enh, maybe, maybe not, but that’s the Cavelton court system’s problem now. They’re probably equipped to handle it, right?
Gil Thorp, 9/1/26
“Ahh, another school year begun. I’m virtuously setting the tone and putting student athletes first … tryout numbers are strong despite declines in enrollment … God I’m good. I’d make out with myself if it were possible. Wait, thanks to my uncannily clear reflection in this window, it is!” [vivid, unpleasant sounds of tongue wiping across glass]
52 replies to “Employees of the month”
Judge Parker:
“Are you sure we want to eat here, dear? — judging from the coloration of the couple over your left shoulder, they’re both in anaphylactic shock!”
Judge Parker:
“I guess those prices serve us right for going to a restaurant which specializes in oil- and gas-related menu items!”
MW Uh-oh, looks like *someone* is going to have an appointment with Room 101 until she can win the victory over herself and truly say that she loves Big Puppy
MT Y’know, if there’s an emergency in a cave and I am able to get cell phone signal, there’s a number I’d call well before any Local Nature Expert. A short number – only 3 digits, easier to recall and guess what! it’s made to get emergency help!
Mandrake Sorry, but keeping proportions and such OK so that you don’t sink to the artistic depths of Gil Thorp still doesn’t mean you can just drop a “don’t I have an honest face” bit when the art style is “give the impression of a rough draft”.
Gil Thorp:
“Above all else…we want to do right by the athletes. This is a learning institution, after all, so we want to prioritize athletics over academics.”
JP: Tip: if you want to gold-dig an older husband, go much older. Like, two years left to live older. Don’t marry one who’s only just old enough that inflation will wipe out the value of his less-impressive-than-hoped judge’s pension by the time he’s seventy!
Gil Thorp:
“Um, Coach, since the nominative ‘tryouts’ is plural, not singular, shouldn’t it be paired with the interrogative adverb and verb ‘How are’ or “How’re,’ not ‘How’s’ ?”
“Hey, listen — leave me alone. I’m a jock, okay?”
JP:
“Do it! Now back to these outrageous prices. Do you think a dine-and-dash will hurt your legal status?”
MW: Sourpuss Fenelly is going to plot harm against Saul Wynter’s wiener dog, isn’t she?
MW: Nelly complains a lot, but that vintage “Happy Face” mug no doubt hints at some genuine pathos: the sad tale of a once-buoyant and bubbly woman who, disappointed in life, has turned bitter in her later years, with only a chipped, sappy mug left to remind her of her happy youth, and what she once had, and what might have been. God help us, we’re about to learn the details.
GT: It’s been a while since his fair headed wife and coach left him but Thorp continues his ban on blonds for the upcoming academic year.
GT: Gil, as is tradition, consults the mystical floating head cloaked in the mist of coaching excellence for further instructions.
GT: Marriage? Meh. Honeymoon? Whatevs. Gil is back to doing the thing that truly gives his life meaning – SPORTING.
RMMD: The MM instructor had best wear his wallet on a chain.
Dennis the Menace : if a joke depends on a character being made upset because they’ve come across a person they don’t like, the should actually look upset. Not just a blank expression.
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Heart of the City : I think there’s more to being an athlete than just how fetching you look in your gear, Heart.
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Judge Parker : Oh, Katherine wasn’t trying to get her husband off the bottle because he was slowly killing himself, she was trying to get him off the bottle because IT WAS EXPENSIVE.
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Six Chix : “Hey, what smells like burnt fish, btw?”
@Anonymous:
Helen Moss redux.
“Do you think my mental and moral standing is sound enough to return to the bench?”
“Maybe. Who am I to judge?”
“Let’s do what we do best”. Immediately loses
Dammit, Gil! When Neil DeGrasse Tyson tweets the same lame pseudo-joke once a year about making out with yourself, this is NOT what he intends!
MW: I wonder what man Mary is going to pair Ol’ Woman Wynter up with to make her stop being such a misery and settle into placid heteronormativity? It’s gonna be Wilbur, right? It’s *always* Wilbur…
S4th: Somewhere the estate of James Stewart is amassing evidence for the lawsuit accusing Ces of stealing Stewart’s ‘H****y’ bit…
JP: Well, *some* famous comic writer recently had a bad experience eating out and wants the whole world to know it…
DT: ‘How can *I* help? The perp’s already dead! Who do I shoot?’
Are we sure that his name is Gil and not Gaston?
FC-“PJ’s talking to the pig picture again.”
MW-Ooh! An anti-dog person whose opinion will change when Mary gives them a dog.
Gil Thorp-Gil’s going to shanghai people for his teams.
GT: White Male Protagonist Gil Thorp seeks advice from the only person in the world he looks up to: White Male Protagonist Gil Thorp.
JP: “You could get a job too, you know…”
“Are you crazy? Why the Hell do you think I married you? It certainly wasn’t for your charm and winning personality!”
JP Loving the expression on Katherine’s face as she brings up the rising menu prices. Just a reminder that she takes her caviar black, Russian, and aged two years. Not one year, not six months, two. years. So you just keep that income flowing, ok?
GT It’s September, which means it’s time to summon Til Ghorp, the mystical coach from the Mirror Dimension, into our realm to defeat Milford’s enemies with blood magic. Say, are any of you kids still virgins? How’d you like to go on a little ‘exchange program’?
RxMD: Hold up! Last time we checked in with Grandpa Lyle, the Ollman Technique had sold a few books in the 1970s and never even made it onto videotapes, while the Mirakle Method was limited to a single conman pitching to a captive audience on a cruise ship (before he ended up in a full body cast and prison). Now, Grandpa Lyle has instructors, plural? And presumably courses and seminars and franchises? Oh boy, this guy is operating on a level so far beyond anything the grifty twins could imagine pulling off, they might as well be ants and he an elephant.
DT: Impressive that the laptop bomb managed to completely incinerate Wallhack while leaving the rest of the cafe, even his little table and chair, intact.
Dustin: “You know what, I’m just going to stop talking to you altogether.”
Luann: Frank was on board with Luann’s sudden burst of initiative until he realized he would have to support her in ways beyond vague atta-girl-ing.
MW: Didn’t we already have a story where a curmudgeonly old shut-in learns to love dogs? Isn’t it entirely probable that yapping is coming from that same former curmudgeonly old shut-in’s dog right now?
Phantom: I dunno, I kind of like the idea of not-Elon being thwarted because his behavior modification AI has too many flaws to be practical in the long term. It fits perfectly with the actual current status of AI.
RMMD: “Don’t worry, girls; we’ll have you nice and brainwashed in no time…”
MW: Calling it now: When Nelly and Saul meet they realize they were high-school sweethearts.
But Saul had to go off to war, and Nelly’s jealous sister stole the letter he wrote to Nelly, proposingNaw, too ridiculous.MW: I’m somewhat disappointed. While a character who hates absolutely everything yet owns a smiley face mug is amusing, I liked the specificity of her rage being focused solely on grocery quality. Imagine Mary driving her to one store after another while she snarls about all of them, ending with the two being banned from the local farmer’s market because Nelly broke a zucchini over a vendor’s head.
@TheDiva: re: DT … and also that it managed to burn the guy to a crisp yet remain recognizably a laptop! I can buy a laptop with a bomb in it, but a screen squirting out napalm is bit much.
DT: I checked the last three days of comments, and can’t quite believe no one made any reference to the Flaming Internet Packet of Death, or even to being flamed. Have all the USENET traditions died out?
Judge Parker: Of course Anne agrees quickly! If there’s no Parker serving as a judge, there’s no titular character and no reason for the strip to exist. Which honestly isn’t much different than the situation as it stands, but a girl’s got to look out for her own needs, you know?
@CanuckDownSouth: @TheDiva: It was wizards.
@MKay:
GT: Marriage? Meh. Honeymoon? Whatevs. Gil is back to doing the thing that truly gives his life meaning – SPORTING.
Sporting wood. Heh.
Gil Thorp: Then Jesus said to him, ‘Someone created a great athletics program and tried out many. At the time for the playdowns he sent his associate coach to say to those who had been tried out, “Come; for the game is about to start.” But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said to him, “My parents have bought a piece of land with a cottage up north, and I must go out and see it; please accept my apologies.” Another said, “I have bought a Hyundai, and I am going to try it out; please accept my apologies.” Another said, “Like you, I have just been married, and therefore I cannot come.” So the associate coach returned and reported this to Gil Thorp. Then Coach Thorp became angry and said to his associate coach, “Go out at once into the streets and lanes of Milford and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind, and the lame.” And the associate coach said, “Sir, that’s our starting lineup.” Then Coach Thorp said to the associate coach, “Go out into East Goshen, and compel people to come in, so that my gym may be filled. For I tell you, none of those who were tried out will taste my awards banquet. Marty Moon, either.”’
@Liam: I wonder what tragedy Ol’ (Wo)Man Wynter suffered that will be minimized because a dog had to spend some time in a shelter.
Maybe we’ll see a return of the bratty granddaughter (she of the epic eyeroll) who’s now been fully Charterstonized into glassy-eyed happiness…
I want to make myself perfectly clear: I married you for your money and you drank through a LOT of it, so get back to work.
So Katherine isn’t the mother of Alan’s children? And Neddy and Sophie are foundlings or something? Does anyone have biological children in this strip or is marriage strictly an institution for providing a second caregiver for the products of parthenogensis?
Wrecks Moregone:
Mud and Lorna are going to adopt the Scam Twins.
Gil Thorp: Does Gil have a soul patch? In the first panel, I could shrug and say it’s a shadow, but it’s also on his reflection when he turns around! And THAT could be a reference to the classic Star Trek episode, “Mirror, Mirror,” where the evil Spock’s facial hair is the best way to distinguish him from his heroic counterpart. Do we have an evil, extra-dimensional Thorp?
NO! That would be intentionally weird and interesting. Accidentally weird and interesting is the Westview Way!
A Judicial Hearing Officer is a designated official who presides over particular types of hearings, often in civil, administrative, or specialized contexts. Unlike judges, JHOs typically do not exercise broad judicial authority over all phases of a case. Instead, they focus on specific procedural matters, evidentiary hearings, or fact-finding tasks assigned by supervising judges or agency heads. JHOs help streamline proceedings by handling preliminary matters, trials on limited issues, or administrative disputes that require expert attention without full judicial proceedings.
They made me look it up, damn them. I don’t go to the comics to learn anything! If anything, they’re supposed to leave my brain a little worse for wear!
From behind the mirror, the real Gil Thorp screamed soundlessly. The imposter had taken his life, driven off his wife and children, and shacked up with some strange woman. His world was ruined, his life was over, and the cold silver realm pressed in around him. At least it can’t get any worse, he reflected.
Chix (sic): Is that piece of carpet supposed to hint at the somewhat derogatory nickname given to lesbians as Xunise comes on to her willing companion? Kinda cute actually.
Pluggers: In case you wondering why when thrifting you come across a lot of jeans with a 42-inch waist and 29-inch inseam.
GT: Did Merrill take art lessons? The art looks a little better, cleaner.
The characters don’t look like they’re melting globs.
Blondie: The punchline is that Bubba is a Labrador Retriever.
FC: Angered by being told to remove the crucifix over PJ’s bed in today’s rerun, adult Jeff replaces it with a picture of his editor.
MW: Nelly finds joy in numbers when she finds she’s not the only neighbor irked by Wilbur’s new bark! bark! doorbell.
GT: None of the characters open their mouths when they speak. Did they all learn ventriloquism as part of a plan to throw their voices during play and confuse their opponents?
Luann: Again, this only makes a drop of sense if everyone is being appallingly sarcastic. “I’m so happy Luann has settled on a path! And she’s on top of her academic requirements! And she’s keeping her job! I don’t know how she’ll have time for all that!”
CS: Automated menu kiosks at McDonald’s have been a thing for many years now. Tomorrow: Crankshaft complains about 1-900 psychic hotlines!
Pluggers: Oh come on, a 32-inch belt wouldn’t fit around that guy’s *neck*, much less his gut.
@matt w: Well, as far as we know, Charlotte is the biological child of Randy and April, but there’s always the possibility that April’s CIA-agent father implanted her with an alien embryo.
@Charterstone: Dune, RxMD: I wouldn’t be surprised that Grandpa Lyle has been playing the Long Con with Rene and thr twins.
Mary, laughing in a car with Ian for some reason, suddenly feels a disturbance in the Force. Someone, somewhere has said something negative… about dogs.
You just know this storyline ends with Nelly being browbeaten and brainwashed into loving dogs.
@Banana Jr. 6000:
On Luann : Nancy is 100 % earnest, Frank is 100 % being sarcastic. Luann’s parents relationship with their daughter was best exemplified that year the Mother’s Day/Father’s Day comics were Luann asking the appropriate parent “Hey [Mom/Dad], don’t you feel bitter and sad that you wasted your life raising a failure like me, instead of remaining single forever and becoming a famous rock musician or something?”. Nancy’s second panel was her hugging a (of course, oblivious) Luann while crying going “You’re not a failure. I love you. I LOVE YOU.”, while Frank’s second panel was Luann telling (a bored, not even bothering looking up from her book) Nancy “And that’s when Dad started screaming incoherently, and tried to kill himself”
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On Crankshaft : I think what’s more important is that those kiosks are optional, and you can still order in person if you want to (AFAIK). So that’s why it’s being portrayed as “those newfangled gizmos” rather than “this is all a conspiracy by fast food clerks to avoid giving me service because they hate me!”
(also, yeah, Crankshaft, the guy who spends so much on gardening crap he barely noticed when the company made a mistake and charged him six figures, that’s definitely the guy to play the “holy fool” against a “stupid, trendy gizmo”)
Katherine: “Booze doesn’t pay for itself!”
JP – “It’s mathematically impossible for you to be behind me 200%. 100% is the most anyone can be.”
“Honey, I can tell you’re gonna be a great judicial whatever-it-was.”