Goals achieved
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Marvin, 10/4/26
Hey, remember the World Cup, from, like, a few months ago? And remember that caveman-lookin’ guy from Norway, Erling Haaland? Well, what if there were a baby that looked like him. And he was on a soccer team for babies. (Just assume for this scenario that soccer teams for babies exist, don’t worry about it.) And the other babies were all scared of him, because they’re babies, their memory doesn’t go back very far but the World Cup does feature pretty prominently in it. But! Here’s the twist! He’s not a good soccer player at all, he just happens to look like one very specific and memorable-looking good soccer player! Say what you will about this strip, but I have to admit, never at any point in it did I know where it was going next, which I think may also be true for whoever wrote it.
Heathcliff, 10/4/26
You could express your bemusement at the increasing popularity of pumpkin spice treats by creating a vaguely hostile and violent dream sequence. Or you could just say to yourself, “What will they think of next? Pumpkin spice gum? Ha ha, I bet a bubble you’d blow with that would look like a jack o’ lantern!” I know which option I prefer.
27 replies to “Goals achieved”
Heathcliff:
If Bob is like me, he’s getting on in years as well, and often startles himself for no particular good reason.
B-b-b-b-but pumpkin spice gum isn’t pumpkin-flavored! It’s the flavor of the spices you put on pumpkin! How could Heathcliff, a paragon of logic and accuracy, betray me like this?
Heathcliff:
If the Spice Girls were to get back together and anoint a “Pumpkin Spice,” might the whole concept go on the road on tour and rid us of the monomaniacal obsession with it which seems to infest every fiber of our comic strip offerings?
Marvin: Toddlers playing soccer sounds even dumber than the Puppy Bowl with even more shitting on the playing field.
“You look like that famous Norway soccer star.”
Far be it from a mere mortal like me to dare question the high-powered, lavishly compensated creative team behind one of America’s most beloved comic strips, but shouldn’t that be “Norwegian soccer star?”
Marvin: I wouldn’t be surprised if both of these toddlers were surprisingly athletic — it takes a lot of core strength to sit on a backless stool like that without falling over.
Heathcliff: “Look, the new fall gum flavors are available at the gum store! I bet my cat would like them! He’ll chew three pieces at once! Wait a minute, is he… flying? Because of a pumpkin-shaped balloon of chewing gum? That’s weird, right? Something tells me this CBD gum we bought was actually THC. Also, does anyone else want pancakes?”
Marvin:
“I’ve never scored a single goal in a single game, which, let’s not kid ourselves, is true of virtually everyone who has ever played soccer, and explains why the whole sport is so godawfully boring!”
@Group Captain Lionel Mandrake:
Isn’t it good,
Norway wood?
— John Lennon and The Beatles (adapted)
Luann Brad fell because a step stool was unbalanced beneath a well-balanced fan. Either I’m missing something _really_ obvious or the Evansii learned the meaning of “ironic” from the Alanis Morrissette song
Marvin:
“Why are you thinking about a soccer player from Norway, as opposed to some other country — say, the United States?”
“Think ‘fjord‘ first!”
Hagar the Horrible-“Lucky Eddie sleeps with the fishes.”
@5 Group Captain Lionel Mandrake: Is the joke that the kid who thinks he looks like the soccer player doesn’t look like him, except for his hair style and skin color? The kid has the body of a bloated proto-plugger, quite unlike the trim soccer star.
From the dialogue in the first panel, I thought Erling was the other kid’s name and that Marvin was being purposely vague about “that famous Norway soccer player.” Then I remembered this isn’t “Herb & Jamaal.”
In between Heathcliff entering the gum store, and walking out and putting the gum in his mouth, we get Heathcliff’s tiny head barely sneaking into the white void of the panel. Is this actually a gum store, or is it a portal to another dimension that swallows you up and spits you out with the gum you came for? It would be weirdly on-brand for Heathcliff.
Heathcliff – The “readers’ cats” thing fascinates me. It’s always careful to emphasize that this is what the reader said. The ‘Cliff team ain’t taking no chances of printing an actionable falsehood… very smart. Also, today’s pet fact is more sad than funny, so this is how my week starts.
MW – Oh no! Once they start with Toby and her birds, they have trouble moving on to anything else. We could be in for a post-Christmas resolution to this arc.
RMMD – Will MaeMud (trying that out) encounter more secondary characters on their way to Old Town? Will they exchange mind-numbingly banal conversation and then leave MaeMud behind to follow the new characters? It’s like that classic “22 Short Films About Springfield” episode, only terrible.
Yo, Josh, you got called out by Ziggy right in the first panel.
Heathcliff: Spotted at the local Jiffy Lube: “PUMPKIN SPICE OIL CHANGES ARE BACK!” And now I’m thinking of Gearhead Gertie getting into a Fall Romantic Mood. Gonna take a lot of brain bleach to get rid of that mental image.
Heathcliff:
Is it just me, or is today’s Kitty Korner weirdly grim? “Hey cat lovers! This cat’s senses have been so ravaged by age that even his own beloved caretaker frightens and confuses him!”
DtM: Well, SOMEONE flunked Figure Drawing today. The ta-ta’s are higher up, dude, even on old ladies!
RMMD: Thanks so much for that visual. I didn’t know what a cruise ship was.
MW: “Ian, I heard gossip about you, and I didn’t believe it. But, then the BIRDS said…” Toby should worry less about “jealous wife” and more about “loony wife.”
Marvy — I’m pretty sure that a few months ago Erling Haaland got rid of the manbun and now sports a buzzcut but no need to bother the Marvin braintrust with this. . .
Heathcliff:
“Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“No, it’s stupor, man!”
Lockhorns: Leroy’s”microchip” gag is foiled by his using a putter while 50 yards from the green…
…while Pluggers actually knows how to illustrate a golfing gag.
How many times can Beetle Bailey dive off that ledge without getting wet?
@ValdVin:
Lockhorns: Leroy’s”microchip” gag is foiled by his using a putter while 50 yards from the green…
Though, placing his wife and bag in line with the shot is probably a bigger issue.
JP: Well, know we know why April was so busy despite not working and not parenting. She took the call from Neddy between time she left home and disappeared, so at least we know she’s not locked in a trunk without it. Maybe now she’ll realize sleuthing and parenting don’t mix.
PHANTOM: So nice to see se Kit and Diana have a normal, affectionate relationship.
PV: So nice to see Gwain all grown up. As a boy, wasn’t he blond? And with a girlfriend?!?
Waitaminute, isn’t “Erling” that #3 NASCAR guy? Have the comics betrayed me AGAIN?
Heathcliff: Back in the late 70s when Michael Palin was guest hosting, they ran a skit about a mall store called Scotch Tapes which sold only Scotch tape. The skit consisted entirely of people wandering in to ask if they sold cassette tapes. I shudder to think what people would misunderstand a store called “Gum” to sell.
MW: Odd that the birds don’t pick up any other common words spoken during phone calls, like “Hello,” “Hi,” “Bye” until I realized Mary starts all her calls to Toby with “Shut up and listen.”