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Apartment 3-G, 8/19/05

Not that it took Holmesian powers of deduction or anything, but I would like credit for correctly predicting that this Apartment 3-G storyline would be bone-crushingly boring.

In fact, the only way I can maintain consciousness while reading it is to pretend that Scott and Lu Ann’s goodie-goodie talk really consists of a series of double entendres.

“I’d like to take a container ship of calcium pills to his Dominican Republic.”

“I’d like to add something to her container.”

“I’d like to be invited to his Dominican Republic to help distribute everything once her container ship arrives.”

You can see the increasingly desperate straits that I’m finding myself in. Help!

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Apartment 3-G, 7/31/05

Oh, they’re joined somewhere, Tommie, but it’s not at the hip.

Ahem. OK, got that one out of the way early. My non-double-entendre comment here is that this may be the lamest use of the large-scale Sunday format in Apartment 3-G to date. Of course, there’s nothing more visually interesting than two people sitting and talking in a car, so it’s best to show that from every possible angle, with loving attention paid to the relative level of tension Tommie and the Professor are putting on their seatbelts in various poses. And we really wouldn’t be able to properly appreciate all this sitting-in-car action if the conversation were scintillating, so thank goodness these two clowns are doing their best to demonstrate why they’re consistently not featured in Apartment 3-G storylines. If the Professor’s vague prattling about the agony and the ecstasy of European travel does not turn out to be a vital plot point, I will lose my remaining respect for him, his academic status and weak heart be damned.

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Apartment 3-G, 7/21/05

So, when Lu Ann first spotted this dreamy hunk of selfless billionaire through a glass windowpane, this is what I had to say about it:

Instead, though, it looks like we’re going to have to sit through eight and a half boring weeks of a boring boring storyline about Lu Ann’s boring boring boring love life.

Well, here we are, eight and half boring weeks later, and the strip is just sitting here like a pile of something too boring to even bother describing. It’s just been one nonstop boring date after another, and since Scott is so gosh darn nice to everybody and Lu Ann won’t put out, there’s no possibility of anything interesting happening ever. If this storyline were any more boring, just reading it would cause you to go back in time. In fact, as you can see here, even the coloring sweatshop workers are bored … unless we’re expected to believe that Scott decided to wear a flesh-colored polo shirt for hanging around in Lu Ann’s flesh-colored kitchen. Maybe it’s some kind of camouflage so that he can sneak up on her and cop a feel, since that’s clearly the only action he’s going to be getting.

And speaking of boring…

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/21/05

We’ve already seen that the Morgans, despite their fancy medical educations, are stupider than both a “rescue” dog and a bumpkin who’s so backwoods that he uses meat as a medium of exchange instead of U.S. currency. Now we learn that they’re also dumber than their own day-care age daughter, who’s apparently started talking like a snarky adult at some point during this interminable storyline.