“I don’t get you, Belluso. You have no empathy for strangers, but you do for close members of your family? Maybe it’s the several blows to the head I take each day in our ritualistic prison beatings, but it makes no sense!” –Dan

“As I understand it, the reason computer prices keep rising is a worldwide shortage of a critical component: napalm.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“‘I told Wilbur recently that I’m proud of Dawn for helping Tommy with his sobriety,’ Mary says as she polishes off her second glass of wine and signals the waiter to keep ’em coming.” –Charterstoned

“Love how in the first panel Mary is talking to her ostensible boyfriend, with whom she can be relaxed and intimate, yet her thanks sound like the kind of stilted, ‘I have to fill up this whole thank you card with words, but also would like to end it as quickly as possible’ vibe of a child’s letter written under duress.” –Chance

“Thank you for making me a better man, Mary! I’ve become holy, almost monk-like, at least as far as the abstinence thing goes.” –cheech wizard

“Grandma so broke she can only buy Cheerio.” –pershing48, on BlueSky

“This Pluggers represents a new low … for me. I saw that this plugger had coordinated his T-shirt and his sneakers and thought, ‘God, I wish my life were that together.’ So, yeah, I’m now an aspiring plugger.” –Joe Blevins

“I always wondered how the characters in this strip managed their perfectly-timed synchronized laughs, and now we know: hours of practice with Mary. Don’t worry about your busy schedule, she’ll come to you and we can do it in the car.” –pugfuggly

“So Katherine isn’t the mother of Alan’s children? And Neddy and Sophie are foundlings or something? Does anyone have biological children in this strip or is marriage strictly an institution for providing a second caregiver for the products of parthenogenesis?” –matt w

“‘It’s mathematically impossible for you to be behind me 200%. 100% is the most anyone can be.’ ‘Honey, I can tell you’re gonna be a great judicial whatever-it-was.’” –Peanut Gallery

“Let’s do what we do best, shall we, Window Ghost Twin? Hopefully they never find out about you, or enrollment might have to dip even further.” –The Man With The Plan

“Alice has learned about the ‘New World Order’ conspiracy theory, I guess. Or maybe Hulk Hogan’s New World Order wrestling stable. Either way, I’m not sure her 75% increase in monthly internet viewing has been good for her.” –Schroduck

“Pluggers never forgot to cut open the lung cavity before weighing down the body at multiple attachment points — to account for both bloating and rot — but somehow they can’t take it upon themselves to desecrate their victim’s John Deere hat.” –Anonymous

“I don’t know who this person is talking to Tracy, but I am curious about what they’re wearing under that jacket and badge. That elaborately draped white cloth looks like a barber’s cape, or possibly a wedding gown, and makes me wonder what they were in the middle of before they got suddenly called in to investigate a coffee shop bombing.” –Rita Lake

“One of the problems with AI is that it’s designed to provide positive reinforcement and feedback to the user, even in cases where the user is mistaken, misguided, actively contemplating harm to themselves or others, etc. But this is the world of Dustin, where everyone hates everyone else and the title character in particular, so the chatbots have adapted accordingly.” –TheDiva

“‘Something up, Tracy?’ ‘Yeah, my eyebrow! I’ve been practicing raising it, and I think I’ve really nailed it!’” –Lawyerbob

“Nelly furiously cannot use her eyebeams against Ian and Mary, as her powers are useless against the color mauve. How so many laughed at the purchase of a mauve car. Where’s your Easter Egg jokes now, losers!” –A Grave Mind

“You’d think someone who dresses and decorates entirely in 50 shades of grey would be a little more sex positive.” –Charterstone: Dune

“After weeks of endless talk about scamming the Morgans, the twins are about to leave town without actually doing anything at all? If anyone’s been scammed here, it’s the readers of Rex Morgan, M.D.” –BigTed

“Damn, this gun is too small to hurt a drone of that size! Luckily I can make it bigger through my superpower of forced perspective!” –Ettorre

“Lucky Eddie is able to pull off the dog simulation thanks to his arms and legs having a canine proportional length. The years of poor nutrition and physical abuse have finally paid off!” –Gil Bates

“Exactly what kind of spy mission does Hagar have in mind, where the success of the test-run is measured in how many excitable maidens can be attracted? Does the planned raid possibly involve his dick in some fashion?” –Maude R. Fawker

“I like the placement of that sign, which suggests that the public library is just a single bookcase in a corner of a building that seems to have a severe mold problem.” –pugfuggly

“Observe how drippy and gormless every Charterstone resident appears. The better to meddle with, of course.” –Lauralot

“This is a cry for help! Every other implement in the kitchen has been sold to pay for bacon! And large, ornate frames, apparently!” –A Grave Mind

“If that muscle car signified anything in the real world, Dr. Jeff’s ‘Do you have plans for tonight? I’d like to take my favorite girl out for dinner’ would be a request for Mary to babysit his two-year old while he escorts his twenty-five year old trophy wife to one of LA’s swankier bistros.” –But What Do I Know?

“This is the sort of joke that’s come into vogue semi-recently under the name of ‘dad jokes,’ which are designed to solicit groans rather than laughter. Still, people more or less enjoy them, and yet Mother Goose looks absolutely fucking miserable as she delivers hers. I assume that she just lost her life savings at this dog track, and is using humor in a futile attempt to hide her feelings as she waits for the loan shark’s enforcers to come cut off her thumbs.” –Vulpes

“I’ve never fully understood how zebra camouflage works. Their stripes break up their outline? If so, is that why The Phantom’s trunks are striped? Is that why drones have never shot The Phantom in the crotch? Inquiring minds want to know!” –Victor Von

“The baby is actually whispering, ‘You can’t break a one-syllable word onto the next line, dummy!’” –BigTed

“‘Whisper whisper?’ What, are they afraid we’ll be able to translate ‘ba ba ba’ and thus spoil the punchline?” –Pozzo

“In addition to the obvious animal rights concerns, carnival geeking is an affront to human dignity, but the Daddy Daze daddy doesn’t have any of that, so why not give it a whirl? I’m with the baby on this one.” –Blond Pardo

“I see the Bum Boat has redecorated and now appears to be a functional bomb shelter. In the event of nuclear war, Santa Royalites will be able to last out the fallout winter, living on baked seafood platters. Truly, the survivors will envy the dead.” –Schroduck

“Something about this is very ominous. Actually, a lot of things about this are ominous. I will focus on one detail: Jeff’s use of the entirely-too-casual slang term ‘nah.’ What are you, some kind of beatnik? Enjoy your seafood sampler platter, Jack Kerouac.” –Joe Blevins

“Mary furiously scribbling a note to herself: ‘Jeff showing signs of escaping containment, must increase dosage’” –Sean

“‘No, I don’t need a videotape on how to use a telephone.’ ‘Those salespeople are pests.’ ‘Non, you idiot, it was General Salan with the activation phrase. Opération Corse is a go. Tell the men to pack up, we’re headed for Corsica. Vive de Gaulle, and to hell with the Fourth Republic!’” –Voshkod

“We’ve all just barely accepted that the Lockhorns are millennials, but must we now face the even more chilling possibility that Leroy is good at his job? If these are the last six employees at the company and he’s one of them? Surely Mr. Squidfingers isn’t keeping him around for his personality.” –Navigator

“Usually, when someone processing a lifetime of trauma finally gets a chance to meet an estranged family member, it will be one step in a years-long journey. But not Brandy! She went away for a couple weeks and ‘got the answers she needed.” Now she’s ready to return to her established life and talk loudly about how good everything is. Truly, she is a perfect match for Tommy.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“If Dennis has been exposed to one lesson in life, it’s that Mr Wilson is not deserving of any respect from anyone, ever.” –MKay

“‘At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.’ Well, it says nothing about no strings sex!” –Ettorre

“As a chronically anxious person, I understand all too well that the mind will often go to incredible lengths to find something to worry about, justified or not. So what was Martha agonizing over before George’s low-effort remark prompted this prodigious display of sarcasm? They’re pretty old, so probably the fear of death, right? Martha is worried that after their rapidly-approaching demise there’s nothing, nonexistence, oblivion, and that thought absolutely terrifies her. No wonder George’s advice didn’t help! George, of course, has no fear of death, because he figures anything is preferable to that fucking Mitchell kid.” –Vulpes

“A quick Google reveals that Deepwater Horizon blew only 4 months after Dustin started as a comic strip. Coincidence? Probably, yeah.” –Comically Challenged

“Well, the workout didn’t give Crankshaft a heart attack, so hopefully the pizza will.” –nescio

“Dustin is such a huge fan of Mark Wahlberg (a real Wicked Pissah Wahlhead, as they call themselves) that he’s watched the entire Wahlberg filmography, even 2016’s Deepwater Horizon — an action movie with no memorable moments, that somehow cost $156 million to make and I think I might be the only person who saw it in a theater. Naturally, he’s memorized all Wahlberg’s classic lines of dialogue like. ‘The Deepwatah Horizon oil spill dumped 150 million fuckin’ gallons of oil into the fuckin’ ocean’ and he’ll bust them out any chance he gets.” –Schroduck

“This is the most disturbing facial expression ever used on Crankshaft. Horny for pizza.” –Rusty

“The wife tells her husband that they need to clean out their hoard for the sale so it looks like no one lives there. Lois corrects her: ‘No. Not no one! Just you two. I already hate you and we only just met.’” –Hibbleton

“I mean, come on. You have a picture hanging at an almost 45 degree angle. There’s ‘lived in’ and then there’s ‘given up on life.’” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Staging a house for sale is not ‘getting rid of all the junk so it looks like no one lives here.’ It’s just the opposite! It means filling the house with new, more elegant, minimalist junk — so potential buyers can imagine themselves living there, except as more tasteful and discerning people who know exactly how to fan three travel magazines over the coffee table so they look perfect. Real-estate agent Lois must understand this — in fact, she’s applied the same principle to her own family’s cavernous home, to the point where there are entire rooms where there’s clearly nothing comfortable to sit in.” –BigTed

“It’s incredible how this strip manages to take any interesting story subject and find the most boring direction to take it in. A couple of teenaged twin scammers with a desire for revenge? What if, instead of watching them pull scams, we spent weeks with the brainstorming scams ideas, and rejecting them all for practical reasons? Maybe we could also put them in a blue void, just to make sure that there’s nothing interesting going on in the background.” –pugfuggly

“Who barges into choir practice and screams that the choir director has to leave without any explanation? Crankshaft, I know the answer is Crankshaft; it’s rhetorical. It’s outrageous behavior, though, and there’d better be a magical fire that only Harry’s piss can extinguish; that’s all I’m saying.” –Victor Von

“Hang on. You have these precise, extremely uniform bobs, the exact same shade of Tang. Matching tops and matching manicures — but squatting is too much of a commitment?” –Old School Allie Cat

“Yes, Ed. Everyone already knows about the ‘Dogs Playing Poker’ picture.” –Liam

“I have never seen Mother Goose so happy and good for her. Get that crossword, girl!” –matt w

“Technically, Grimm, it’s Lake Champlain, at least in March 1998 when Senate Bill 927 was signed by Bill Clinton before an uproar resulted in an amendment to the bill. Oh, jokes are funny but the fat-cats in Washington diluting our Great Lakes to provide lake research money to their state cronies isn’t? Oh, sorry, Attila, I should have realized that fat-cat is a bit of an insult to you.” –Voshkod

“But they’re in front of him. The flames. They’re in front of him. He’s looking at them. He’s looking at the flames that are in front of him. Look, I’m not asking for Paul Greengrass-style realism from Daddy Daze of all things, I know better than that, but if the guy a) can see well enough to drive, b) is able to parse that his pre-verbal child is making some kind of reference to fire, and c) has, like, nerves, he can absolutely detect a fire that is four inches and a thin pane of glass away from him.” –els

“Everything indicates that Angus is under one year old, meaning he should be in a rear-facing seat. Granted, this would impede the setup of today’s joke, but honestly the joke isn’t doing much to justify the effort.” –TheDiva