“When you walk around on a video call, how often do you keep the phone camera carefully framed to show your entire head and chest? How often do you make sure to keep your chest in the picture while you walk around the beach in a bikini? What about when the person on the other side of the call is your mother? And your mother happens to be staring at your enlarged picture on a several-foot-high screen, with an appraising look on her face? We already knew that each generation of The Phantom Family manages the sex life of the next one, but this storyline shows us there are aspects we haven’t seen before.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“Hey, honey, how would you feel about cooking a lamb inside a lion for dinner tonight? Sort of a turducken thing I just thought of. No idea what we should stuff the lamb with yet. I think watching Animal Planet might help me with that one.” –Retraux_Rocket, on Twitter

“It’s the middle of the night, and there’s an entire blueberry pie in the refrigerator that Dagwood hasn’t even tasted yet? This actually does sound like a nightmare scenario for him! I guess it would be pointless to suggest he should get out a plate and fork before gobbling down a slice — heck, we should be happy that he didn’t just stick his entire face into the center of the pie and eat his way out.” –BigTed

“Personally, I appreciate the effort Dagwood puts into his alibis. He could just as easily have said, ‘Hey, honey, I’m gonna go eat an entire pie, alone, in the middle of the night, so … yeah.’” –Joe Blevins

“The FUSE: Fornication Under Sanction of Evans. It’s all coming together.” –Hibbleton

“‘LuannFan.com’ is really stretching things. ‘LuannTolerater.angelfire.com’ I could believe.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“To be a plugger is to have everything you ever loved fade away. Even fried food becomes a distant Fantasy. All that’s left is to sit 2 feet away from the TV set and wonder how the room got so small.” –Guts Dozier

“Crock is supposed to be a satire of Beau Geste, a novel no one now alive has probably ever read. But canonically the ‘heroes’ are English orphans raised in an upper class household and presumably exposed to the sexual deviancy common in upper class British households of the time. Good old Cecil may have taught him to ‘tie his shoe’ but I think we can all assume that the expression has nothing to do with footwear.” –Vanya

“But Peter received no answer for BC was stone dead, the cartilage of his shattered nose having been driven into his brain.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“With timeline drift, Dennis and Margaret are among the youngest members of Generation Alpha and as such, have no comprehension of Mr. Wilson’s crude 1950s gender stereotypes. Sorry, ‘homemaker’? We’re going to be living in a genderfluid polycule commune where all tasks are shared equitably! The future is now, old man!” –Dan

“Martha is surreptitiously filming this exchange for her YouTube channel, ‘Obnoxious shit my husband says to six-year-olds.’” –Lawyerbob

“‘Oh nuh, muh tonguh got stuk to tha clipbhord!’ ‘Mine tuh! Help uth, Thiffany!’” –Voshkod

“All Hi ever got from a sex drive was four kids who refuse to grow up and get out, so no big loss as far as he’s concerned.” –MKay

“I know the Hi and Lois team does not share my vision of the strip as character-driven (Lois is neurotically compulsive, Hi is crushingly aware of his inadequacies, neither can feel joy), and that’s why they never develop or even name Chip’s girlfriends. BUT THEY COULD AT LEAST REMEMBER THAT CHIP HAS BLOND HAIR.” –matt w

“Wilbur enters a typo for driving directions and they end up at Muay Thai. He is then forced into a battle royale. Prepare yourself for the art of the eight limbs, sandwich boy!” –Gil Bates

“[steps into blank beige space] Ah, spring, probably.” –pugfuggly

“Honestly, the most distasteful bit about this is the rhythm. A spondee followed by three thudding iambic pentameters? At least have the decency to create a complete decasyllabic verse, you hacks!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“We finally know who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp. I wouldn’t have guessed it was a mule, but now that I know, it makes a lot of sense.” –Peanut Gallery

“Nothing says ‘I’m interested in what you’re saying’ quite like ‘Oh yeah? How’s that going?’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“What would really have been funny in today’s Blondie is eight more panels of Dagwood mournfully scooting his chair back to his office under his own power.” –matt w

“Wilbur’s tryst was apparently with a lower crook from a Carmen Sandiego game. He’ll certainly find it memorable when he’s questioned by Interpol in connection to Belle Batsfrey’s theft of Mexico’s famous Temple of Kukulcan.” –Kevyn on Video

“Dawn and Wilbur console themselves over their recently-ended relationships with ‘Cookie Lov’ cookies, specially formulated for those who have failed to find human love and decided to settle for cookie love.” –Rita Lake

“The only megacorps in Orlando are Disney and pyramid schemes, both of which have a tendency to give out absurdly inflated job titles. ‘Sales director’ means she runs the soft pretzel stand in front of It’s A Small World, or she just bought into Amway.” –Banana Jr. 6000

“That fish is in a bowl. Why are they acting like it’s just arrived when it’s clearly been watching the whole time? We insult goldfish memory a lot, but maybe this is the upside — you immediately forget having watched your friends repeatedly shit on the carpet.” –Schroduck

“Pluggers only lower their cholesterol when it’s priced out of their reach.” –TheDiva

“Yeah, if there’s one thing that mixes with blood donations, its dancing! Maybe you could serve some cocktails as well, in a sauna!” –pugfuggly

“So that’s why we haven’t seen the chicken-headed woman in Pluggers for a while! I had no love for that wretched abomination, but she didn’t deserve to end up in the belly of the even more loathsome Shoe.” –KMD

“On the bright side, it’s easy for the Fuse staff to have impromptu planning meetings since they have no customers.” –Dr. Larry Erhardt

“Luckily, in Judge Parker two years is the same as roughly 18 hours, so she’ll be out in no time. Or forever. I forget.” –CIA Advisor to the Jungle Patrol

“I like that the doctor is TV handsome. I like to imagine he’s actually the protagonist in an early 2000s drama about a doctor who also has a blog, because that would have been high concept at the time, and the Lockhorns are the comedy-driven B-plot patients we see for like 10 minutes every other season.” –Dan

“In an attempt to recapture his pre-marriage youth, Leroy has been spending his evenings at hipster bars with very young adults. The joint pain comes from drinking way too many hard seltzers, as a high intake of carbonated beverages has been shown to reduce bone mineral density in older folks. But at least he’s been making new friends — most of whom think he’s the half-real-life, half-computer-animated Grumpy from the upcoming Snow White remake.” –BigTed

“Gertie isn’t happy unless she sees a driver on fire running out of a burning car.” –Liam

“As much fun as it would be to see a NASCAR driver run off the track, go to the parking lot, and drive back into the race in his personal 2017 Honda Civic, I’m pretty sure they only let you wreck the one car you started with, Gertie.” –Old Man Shadow

“‘Will you have to fight Mary to get it back?’ I can’t decide whether this is an incredibly poor grasp of Wilbur and Mary’s actual dynamic or an attempt to rid the world of Wilbur once and for all. ‘Go ahead and pick a fight with Mary, Dad! Anybody else who did would end up with their corpse baked into a casserole, but nothing can kill you, right? You shouldn’t even be ALIVE, but you ARE!’” –T Campbell

“I’d like to think that those background panel colors are actually happening in-universe, and that there’s a free-wheeling gaffer just off panel trying to bring the General’s story to life through the magic of gels.” –pugfuggly

“It figures that Morgantown would feature a beige-and-black art museum.” –But What Do I Know?

“Dude is a terrible stalker. Broad daylight, lots of witnesses — including her companion — probably tons of cameras and on-site security. I mean, hiding in plain sight, I guess, but come on man, you’re just blowing it.” –Old School Allie Cat

“That’s actually the shade of Abraham Lincoln, plotting his return to save the nation by destroying whatever insufferable town Rex Morgan takes place in so nobody has to suffer through its roots country-obsessed inanity again.” –ectojazzmage

“Marty is in need of whichever 12-step addresses Jeckyll and Hyde transformations.” –MKay

“Beth starts the ’86’ process by soaking a rag from her bottle of ether.” –Hibbleton

“30 years from now, that little boy will learn that it means ‘two weeks,’ and be devastated that grandpa lied to him, and that he’s been wrong about it his whole life.” –Ignatz

“Nobody responds with ‘In a fortnight,’ like their sole reason for being is to force wordplay in a comic strip, Grandpa Pickles. Plenty of people do die of carbon monoxide poisoning though. ” –Tabby Lavalamp

“The guy in background is a maître d’ who has fallen on hard times and taken a bagging job. He went from commanding the staff of a fine restaurant to now having to stoically listen to a Midwestern bumpkin cow shit-talk cowpies that were specifically made to appeal to sentient livestock. Cows may have joined humans in intelligence and bipedalism, but they will never truly be as sophisticated as us until they learn manners.” –Philip

“Next, Sly’s going to waltz in and inform us that the Frankenstein knockoff won’t work because the electrical connections aren’t grounded, or some shit.” –astroboy

“Noir died as a genre with the invention of the water cooler. I want to see my hard-boiled detectives knocking back bourbon in the shadowy, smoky backroom of a decaying brownstone. I do NOT want to see them sipping mineral water in an air-conditioned, fluorescent-lit open-plan office grumbling about computer systems while carefully recycling their little paper cups.” –Schroduck

“Speaking of shooting, Dick’s been shot, right? He’s tenderly embracing the water cooler, leaning on it for support, to spare Sam — and us — the trauma of seeing his bullet wound? I can’t think of any other reason the art in three separate panels would be so reluctant to admit that Dick has a torso.” –Navigator

“Happy relationships rarely make comedy happen, and these bird ladies know it. Any good male partner they ever met had to be rejected to serve the comic strip. Their audiences of aged spinsters would never forgive them their happiness.” –Philip

“Egg-laying mammals are of course some of the most primitive, with a cloaca, five sets of sex genes and a lack of connective tissue between the hemispheres of the brain. They’re a complete anachronism by millions of years, in other words, perfectly suited to the Wizard of Id.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Coach Gerads says he’s heard folks refer to him as ‘the bad boy of Milford sports.’ I’ve never heard that, and no one I’ve ever talked to has ever said that, but that’s what he says. He also says he’s heard folks call Gil Thorp ‘the egg-sucking weasel of Milford sports,’ but again, I cannot confirm.” –Cleveland Mocks

“The latest Bland Love Interest (I’ve already forgotten his name and I’m not bothering to look it up) is conducting this date as some combination of a job interview and those painful icebreaker exercises they do at conventions, and honestly that’s a red flag as vibrant as Mary Worth’s Obviously Abusive Dirk and Rex Morgan’s Goatee McStalker ever waved.” –TheDiva

“I guess this all must’ve taken place back in, say, the nineteen-fifty-aughts, in an era when convicts wore black-and-white striped uniforms and kids wore beanies with propellers for some reason. It’s hard to remember from that long ago, but those were some tough times — heck, some folks couldn’t afford furniture in their kitchen or even doors in their house. It seems like pussycats were a bit more clever back then, though — you know, just smart enough to commit crimes, but not quite smart enough to avoid getting caught.” –BigTed

“They’re going to confront him with a particularly nihilistic piece of avant-garde art, leading to crippling existential questions.” –odinthor

“I suppose when your museum has an entire room with nothing but diplomas, you’re used to peace and quiet.” –Guts Dozier

“‘Belle’ from Florida isn’t a fling, she’s just a Disney fanatic who needed Wilbur ‘Beast’ Weston to complete the look at Cancun Cosplay 2: Beachside Boogaloo. Next year, they’ll reunite as Nemo and Dory at the Southwest Furry Convention in Needles, CA.” –Bull City

“I bet Thel didn’t figure she’d get so much trouble when she took Jeffy shopping for a… New Jersey! I hate myself.” –matt w