“What I love about The Phantom is it will happily take a break from a storyline about an alien on a private jet from Guantanamo blowing up a warlord’s brain with magic TikTok to give us a very specific kink scene where a shirtless man in a cage is taunted by a scantily-clad bongo player. I call this fetish ‘bondage at Lilith Fair.’” –Schroduck

“The Tommy Beedie I know wouldn’t apologize for his actions — he must be on drugs or something!” –Bob Tice

“I’m intrigued by the sharp yellow isosceles triangles emanating from the cars in the final panel. What exactly do they signify? ‘Surprise and confusion at the sudden lack of power to the traffic lights,’ you might say, and perhaps you’re right. But I prefer my own theory, based on the similar shapes surrounding the conflagrations in the second panel of the middle row: without electricity supplying the powerful Morphogenic Field Generator that keeps the city population physically stable, the citizens of Neo-Chicago has started spontaneously exploding, caking the inside of their vehicles with gore and viscera. (You may not have known that such a machine was necessary, but Dick’s rogues’ gallery of grotesques is proof that the human shape is tenuous at best in this universe.)” –Vulpes

“The city’s experiment with intersections that have neither traffic lights nor stop signs isn’t looking so stupid now. See, even during a power outage it works exactly as well as normal!” –Peanut Gallery

“Tommy’s takeaway: chicks don’t dig the short hair. Starts wearing a wig. Busted as a suspected drug dealer as he steps out of the Eva Gabor shop on Santa Royale’s main strip.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“You know the Bald-Hairy theory of Russian leadership succession? The Mary Worth Hair theory seems to be that a man’s quantity and quality of hair correlates with his success in life, with the yacht-owning Dr. Jeff being the ideal. Too little hair, like Wilbur, and you’re a narcissistic needy schlub. Too much, like Tommy’s old hair, and you’re a drugged-out felon. With the latter‘s current hair length, he may have a tiny taste of success but might still sample weed once in a while. ‘Can you trim it just above the ears? I’m hoping to buy a Lexus.’” –Tonio

“There are five distinct stages of grief in coping with Heathcliff. Here, we see Anger and Acceptance. Trust me, you don’t want to see Bargaining.” –Joe Blevins

“Heathcliff is a criminal, so is his father, so is his sister. I wanted to play the edgelord and say we should reconsider eugenics, but then I remembered that sterilizing cats is not controversial at all.” –Ettorre

“Things finally break Lonnie’s way when he gets thrown out before he can pay his bill.” –Hibbleton

“The dialogue says ‘protective love interest spoiling for a fight’ and ‘cowardly antagonist trying to back out of a confrontation’ but the facial expressions say ‘informing someone their car is parked in a delivery zone and needs to be moved’ and ‘annoyed by latest in a string of minor inconveniences.’” –TheDiva

“A key skill for an extortionist is knowing when to quit. Glumly hanging around the scene of a failed extortion racket is a real rookie error.” –AndyL

“Well, no, Brandy didn’t technically break up with me. She just went on a trip. But she will break up with me once she learns I’ve told you all this!” –Nevin, on Patreon

“I like how Chicken Lady doesn’t seem sad or defeated, she’s concentrating on strategy. ‘If I make base camp on the landing I should be able to reach the bedroom by tomorrow afternoon.’” –pugfuggly

“Anthony screwed up so bad that his hairstyle changed. Also, he’s trying to drown himself.” –Lauralot

“What’s impressive about Chatu’s physique isn’t that he’s had the self-discipline to maintain it — I mean, what else are are you going to do when you’ve been extrajudicially imprisoned in an open-air, 8-foot by 8-foot cage, wearing the same pair of jeans for 17 years, except body-weight and isometric exercises — rather, what’s impressive is that the Wambesi have apparently been feeding him, what 3500, 3600 calories a day with at least 250 grams of protein?” –Charterstone: Dune

“Foodify doesn’t play entire songs… Ha ha ha, no! That costs money! They just play the lyrics that are even vaguely food related, like ‘Yummy yummy yummy’ from the eponymous hit from The Archies. For songs with no lyrics? Don’t worry, the guy who is running the whole thing from his basement will pop in and announce the title because whoever is writing Blondie thinks Spotify works just like radio.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“The funny thing is that, for once, this comic accidentally came close to real relevancy, since Meta and their privacy-violating glasses have come back into the news again. ‘Uh-oh,’ the Intelligent Life editors said to one another, ‘Today’s strip is dangerously under threat of being actually topical, and the hedge fund that owns our syndicate isn’t going to allow that type of thought-provoking examination for their products. Better end it on a pop culture references so hoary that even the fucking Keane kids beat us to the punch on it to ease the tension.’” –2+2=7

“I love how Tommy greets everything in life like a fresh-born baby. He got off drugs when a pharmacist told him that there were treatments for addiction, and he reacted like it was the first he ever heard of such a thing. Now he’s looking at the photos in a barber shop and thinking, ‘Wait, so hair … can be cut, and even styled? Wow, that actually explains so much.’” –Dan

“I am so angry at Judge Parker (both the strip and the character) for making me sympathize with Judge Parker for making a sandwich. It’s literally the most relatable thing he’s ever done.” –Drew, on BlueSky

“For a comic that’s mostly just people yapping at each other, the characters of Judge Parker don’t seem to communicate that well.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Judging by the way those animals are leering at each other, they’re not about to allow the Keane’s puritanically revisionist ‘one of every animal’ policy stop their forty days and forty nights of fornication.” –Guts Dozier

“I can’t believe that Luann is into retro 80s pop culture, because that would be a personality trait and she has proven herself to be completely unburdened of those.” –TheDiva

“Bernice, you’ve been living with Luann’s family for six years now. Your goal all along has obviously been to replace your ‘friend’ and be the responsible, sensible daughter that Nancy and Frank have never had. So let Luann move in with her gentleman friend. THIS IS GOOD NEWS FOR YOU!” –Joe Blevins

“A lot of great facial expressions on display in today’s panel. We have a content kitten, the world’s smuggest giraffe, a horse who is clearly up to no good, an elephant worried by the things he can never forget, and a confused but enthusiastic frog. (Obviously the implication is that these are all toys, but I prefer to imagine that these are real creatures the Keane children recruited from some psychedelic, half-imagined hell-world.) Even Mama Keane is getting in on the facial expression action, with a sly grin that is an entirely inappropriate reactions to these two’s sub-antics. I suspect she’s just pleased that they are surprisingly open to the idea of being set adrift on the open ocean, which will make things easier when she sets into motion her plan to rid the house of its redheaded population once and for all.” –Vulpes

“I don’t know. I just feel like, if I was presented a deep fried, seasoned, battered slice of human flesh on a bun, I couldn’t tell you with any certainty if I had known the guy. Clearly Mr. Merking is running a scam to get his sandwich on the house.” –Vanya

“I love the teacher’s horrified expression in the last panel. ‘My God, this child has realized the pointlessness of what we’re doing here! This changes everyth– oh, wait, the teacher’s union runs this state. Sit down and shut up, kid.’” –A Grave Mind

“Momma said I should be more worried about sun poisoning.” –Lauralot

“God, these interviews are tedious. Stupid ugly high school athletes. How many more of these are there? Does that line ever end? How long have I been here? Feels like eternity. Are these kids getting weirder looking? How come the clouds aren’t moving? Oh. Oh, god. We didn’t survive that car crash, and I’m in my ironic hell.” –Voshkod

“Iconic body language from Marvin’s grandpa, here! He may be sitting on a park bench in the sunshine with his grandson, but by jing, he’s pissed about it!” –Victor Von

“I’ve always put my grandpa on a pedestal. But he keeps climbing back down. All his complaints about having arthritis are baloney!” –Peanut Gallery

“Little does Rusty know that saying an exclamation mark out loud is considered an act of aggression by raccoons. They usually respond by ripping their adversary’s face off while saying a grawlix.” –Weaselboy

“That’s actually a chicken-proof cap — the FDA wanted to be sure there were no more opioids in the egg supply. (Why do you think people were willing to pay $8 per dozen?)” –BigTed

“Tommy is walking aimlessly down a street, staring blankly, and becomes fascinated by the front of a barbershop. Pretty sure the ‘whether to do drugs’ decision was made at least fifteen minutes ago.” –Where’s Rocky?

“That’s a cool looking front … I’m positive the gangsters who run this ‘barber shop’ are looking for drug runners.” –2+2=7

“I am a bit surprised that Mary Worth will be the first legacy comic to address looksmaxxing.” –Everything Is Better With Monkeys

“You might think this is standard Funkyverse sub-wordplay, but in fact it’s something much more exciting: Crankshaft is saying, in his typically mangled fashion, that his health insurance provider has denied him coverage for a life-saving balloon angioplasty.” –Vulpes

“‘Loneliness makes a person do some wacky things,” says the woman who adopted a parrot 2 days after her husband flew out for a conference.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“Just a few more minor details to iron out, but I’m 90% there on my self-guided tour of Neo-Chicago. I knew I didn’t need a travel agent to help me!” –But What Do I Know?

“Harvey’s daughter will explain him that sex is expensive and dangerous, but there are other ways to reproduce. That’s why her sons are clearly clones.” –Ettorre

“The staff at the spa turn the hot tub setting to ‘tempest’ to hasten Mary’s departure but to no avail. They’ll need permission from corporate before going full ‘cauldron.’”–Hibbleton

“Makes sense that the Phantom would use a standing desk to stay swole.” –matt w

“It stands to reason that Mary would have brought her purple cowl to Claremont. Otherwise, her streak of having worn it for 853 consecutive days would have been interrupted.” –Bob Tice

“I kinda like the idea that being a Gen Xer is just a lifestyle choice, or possibly a Halloween costume, and if you get tired of it you can switch to something else. I’m contemplating a move to lumberjack, myself.” –Peanut Gallery

“The librarian in me is wondering how all the information in the Chronicles of Skull Cave is indexed. I mean, obviously anyone who is still updating via quill and ink pot hasn’t gotten around to getting the whole thing digitized, but does it include cross-references? Who updates the bibliography — does the Ghost Who Walks have to do that after his nightly journaling session, or is there an archivist among the Bandar? The fact that I’m asking these questions in a plot that started with a terrorist getting sprung from prison by an alien shows how much hope I have for the payoff of that premise.” –TheDiva

“Oh, darlings, that shade of gray is NOBODY. And here you are, let’s fix one bad decision” –A Grave Mind

“Is this a train? It seems to be about twenty feet wide and have lace curtains on the windows. I’m pretty sure this is someone’s living room. Someone’s living room with a stripper pole in the middle, upon which Leroy is just about to unleash a true horror.” –Schroduck

“You’d look shocked too if you were presented with plot hole this wide.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Alice’s old car gets her where she wants to go, which seems to be … traffic court … for giants?” –Kevyn on Video

“Is that ‘clearly’ Mumbles on the security camera, DT? Because it looks like a generic black-and-white sketch to me. What’s the point of having huge cast of grotesque supervillain-adjacent criminals if you’re not going to draw them?” –Victor Von

“I remember it like it was yesterday. Brandy had just gotten some life-changing news about her family, but I was too distracted by the Great Gazoo to notice.” –Joe Blevins

“‘…and here’s why that’s trouble. MMR vaccination rates are way down across the Neo-Chicago region.’ ‘Tracy, you’re thinking of Mumples, the guy with the really swollen neck.’” –Voshkod

“Gerads wants to go to the wedding so he can object when the minster asked if anyone has a reason why these two should not be married. Thorp can’t waste his energy on matrimony! He has to devote one hundred percent of his life to coaching to make his defeat to Gerads all the more devastating!” –Lauralot

“[two hours later] …fuck this, I’m smoking meth!” –pugfuggly

“‘I’m going to Florida to visit my long-lost relative to find out why father abused me.’ ‘I love Florida! It’ll be great!’ ‘Do you listen to yourself? That inappropriate response is exactly why you’re not going.’ ‘Sunshine! Miami Beach! Key West! The Marlins!’ ‘Okay, I’m leaving for the airport now.’ ‘The Everglades! Busch Gardens! Conch fritters! Oranges!’” –BigTed

“Lt. Fuzz is so shocked, he’s gradually turning into a Peanuts character. Good grief!” –The Rambling Otter

“Unnamed female soldier is full of good ideas. Her forehead grows perceptibly in the second panel. She has begun her transformation into A Huge Ever Growing Pulsating Brain That Rules From the Centre of Camp Swampy.” –nescio