“Steve, I accidentally ordered too many birdcages. Try to upsell any customer who comes in to buy bird food. Especially if they bring their bird in with them!” –Weaselboy

“Yes, this is a convoluted set-up, one requiring that Ed and Ralph play a game they’ve never shown any interest in at a community center they’ve never been shown attending and the twins to also be at the same community center they’ve never been shown attending and having nothing better to do either there or elsewhere, but all of that doesn’t matter because the punchline just isn’t that good.” –TheDiva

“Maybe the animal people are just hard of hearing. Even though Ma Barker is loudly complaining about the scam clam to Slylock Fox a mere two feet away, people are still lining up to give away their money.” –Guts Dozier

“I know how frustrating that can be. That’s why I switched to ‘Organ Blender’ hollowpoint rounds.” –RogerBW

“New Bird Lady gets all the attention here, but Roz tells a whole story with those bored, sad eyes. This is not the first time she’s met someone who thought they finally killed Shoe. It seems to be a regular occurrence. Now Roz is going to have to help this lady work through her trauma and grief, even though no one in this town tips over 15%.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“I for one hope the Ghost Cat is precisely what their name indicates: the spirit of a normal house cat whose freedom from earthly bonds allows them to achieve hitherto undreamed-of levels of idleness.” –Hergen

“With a lifespan of 50 to 70 years, that parrot will easily outlive Ian, and will probably outlive Toby. And oh, the stories it will have to tell. The boring, tedious stories. Okay, maybe it won’t outlive them thanks to an accident where it flies into a window in a desperate attempt at sweet freedom. –Tabby Lavalamp

“I like the little touches that Chip brings time that outfit, like keeping that tie super loose. He’s not just grandpa, he’s drunk grandpa!” –pugfuggly

“Sincere kudos to the Dennis the Menace artist who kept everything about the art generic 1950s, except for updating the light switch to a touchpad dimmer. A+, way to let us know you’re still in the game, buddy!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“‘Now, when Ozob broke into that auto body shop, did he take anything?’ ‘Well, as you can see from today’s first panel, that’s kind of a gray area!’” –Bob Tice

“We Love Pets is having its annual bone sale! Time to stock up.” –Everything Is Better With Monkeys

“I got it … in normal human speech ‘bald’ often comes out as ‘ball,’ with the d sound buried, as few people really pop that final consonant, and in this context of buying meat near thanksgiving, particularly after the word ‘butter,’ I just assumed he’d actually said ‘butterball.’ The confusion would only arise if he had written his request, but if he actually wrote the word down, you might question his cognitive abilities, or consider his written language might have been affected by a stroke. Anyhow, how many pounds?” –Chance

“Half of Gearhead Gertie strips are ‘The death of Dale Earnhardt was the greatest tragedy in human history’ and the other half are ‘lol fast cars go crash.’ It was only a matter of time before the threads got confusingly crossed.” –Schroduck

“Sarge’s newest recruits are his younger self pulled to the present through the timestream, his evil mirror universe doppelganger, and his illegitimate son.” –ectojazzmage

“Is the county CALLED Nearly, or is this a dig? The Almost State Fair. The Not Quite World’s Fair.” –MKay

“Mary brings a third muffin for Toby’s ‘guest’ but after the big reveal realizes that listening devices alone are not enough. It’s time she installed some cameras in Toby’s apartment.” –Hibbleton

“It’s been obvious for a while that these two aren’t humans exactly, but today provides a little more insight into their biology. So far we can describe them as small oviparous homonids lacking teeth, probably an adaptation to the rocky crags where they evolved, preying in seabird nests.” –pugfuggly

“Round up the kids in detention, we’re taking them to The Museum of Art Puns to suffer.” –nescio

“We are such social animals that anyone deprived of human companionship will slowly go insane, even if the human whose companionship they’re deprived of is Ian Cameron.” –matt w

“Hang him from where, troops? HANG HIM FROM WHERE?” –Tabby Lavalamp

“I had believed until last week that Greg was the guy at the DMV who told you that you were missing a piece of documentation after you stood in line for an hour and that you had to go get it and stand in the line again. But then we learned he’s the guy who tells teenagers they can’t have their licenses because they bumped the curb parking. Why does he even NEED coffee for a day filled with such joy?” –richardf8

“‘The kid is onto me,’ thinks Greg. ‘I just pray he never finds out whose boot it was.’” –Peanut Gallery

“Hootin’ Holler still uses snow and ice to preserve food, as electricity is rare and service is spotty. Lil Sparky just ate a family’s entire vitamin supply for a week, and they will now suffer even worse malnutrition than the average Holler resident.” –Philip

“I’m always fascinated by the crystal ball Shoe strips. All of the characters are bitter cynics, so why do they keep going to crack wise at the local fortune teller? Is this what people resorted to in the days before social media let you mock WitchTok from the comfort of your own couch?” –Schroduck

“Thirsty yearns for the olden times that he’s never experienced but has heard about, when beer was considered ‘liquid bread,’ a way to quickly, easily, and safely hydrate and obtain necessary calories at the same time. This is not comical, this is a tragic tale of a man born three hundred years too late.” –Tom

“What’s that you say? You have ‘evidence’ before you secure an indictment? You say you wait for indictments before executing rough street justice? You say your suspects are not grotesquely deformed, with too on-the-nose names? My, my, my. To each their own, I suppose. [Caressing pistol trigger lovingly] I sure hope he turns out to be a clown, though.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Which is a euphemism for what really happens. They fuck. Each other. Constantly and interchangeably. This is Hollywood, kid. You’re too young to understand this now, but it won’t be long before curiosity leads you to flip through the supermarket pages of People and the National Enquirer and all will be revealed.” –cheech wizard

“Those corks indicate each of these wines have been opened. Is ‘Clea-ar-ance’ located in the BacqueWash region of Frawnce?” –Virginia

“His doctor has long given up on him. His wife is checking his life insurance policy. He knows his diet is killing him, but he cannot stop. ‘Next time,’ he promises himself, but ‘next time’ will never come. His fate is sealed as the future body at an open casket funeral where a dog man asks his wife ‘who is this for again?’ and the caption is ‘You’re a plugger if you’ve been to so many funerals, you’ve lost track.’” –Old Man Shadow

“The guy totally in shadow with the mysterious, ominous axiom — he’s death, right? The only reason Herb is smiling is that he’s come for Jamaal.” –Lawyerbob

“Oh, right, my bucket list included seeing a sunset. Welp, there it is. Time to die.” –Voshkod

“Kudos to Lou for being thematically consistent by mounting the TV where it can be seen by him alone, and not the customers at the counter. He doesn’t respect his clientele’s taste buds or gastrointestinal needs, so why should he care if they’re entertained? Let them watch him watching TV while his terrible food burns!” –Chance

“If you ‘BOOM!’ like a thunder machine when someone tackles you in football, talk to your doctor to see if ‘the emergency room’ is right for you! –Victor Von

“There are tight ponytails and then there are hairstyles that qualify as abuse of one’s own hair and scalp.” –Joe Blevins

“‘This is exciting!’ Finding typos, she means. That’s the most thrill she’ll have from the book. And from Augie in general.” –Ettorre

“As Olive communicates telepathically with animals, can Toby talk with comestibles? I’m sure that Mary’s muffins have some tales to tell.” –Gil Bates

“The important thing is that by calling it a ranch, we pay the agricultural property tax rate, which is much lower than the residential rate.” –Ken

“I must say that after weeks of Mary Worth’s ‘unsettlingly mature children will lead us into a brighter future,’ I’m refreshed and renewed by the Judge Parker approach of ‘unsettingly mature children are very annoying and can find their own way home if they know so damn much about how to properly exploit landholdings.’” –Navigator

“THEY BROUGHT THE LUGGAGE CART WITH THEM to his home where he’s prepared for his sensual experience by putting a wooden chair next to a table that has a solitary glass of wine.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Archie had two jobs in this strip: look worried because his parents are arguing, and smile at the tension-relieving punchline. Let’s see how he did, shall we?” –Dan

“So this thriller features a single mom on the dating scene, and multiple publishers are fighting to publish it. It has sex scenes, right? Obviously, it has sex scenes. Augie chastely kisses Summer good night and then makes excuses to go home and write fantasies about her doppelgänger. I can’t wait for Summer’s reaction.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“I mean, it could be a character inspired by Summer, or it could be just the fact that her personal situation is not all that unique? I’m not throwing any shade on her, I’m just saying it’s probably a very dull book.” –pugfuggly

“Augie [during the inevitable confrontation]: ‘Well the deal is that I have to change just enough details not to pay you and…’” –2+2=7

“The most accurate detail here is that we can’t actually see any apartments on the canal side, or really any buildings at all. In Hartlepool, a single run-down boathouse still no doubt reeking of bunker oil and fish guts counts as an entire luxury housing district.” –Schroduck

“I think Gertie is just showing off that she can hoist a book aloft when it’s longer than her torso.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Even if Toby is too dumb to think the bird will have trouble getting the seeds from the bag (everybody calls her ‘bird-brain’, yet she can, so of course birdie will too!), she ought to dump out the seeds in order to, y’know, not litter with the bag. She apparently failed those kindergarten lessons, folks!” –CanuckDownSouth

“Moy must have gotten letters from her loyal reader complaining that the balloon scene was too tense, so decided to tone it down to ‘50 mg of valium’ levels. Next week: Toby stands up.” –Ken