Metapost: The comments of the week are BACK, baby
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My long vacation and Uncle Lumpy’s fill-in tasks have delayed the unveiling of a new comment of the week, but folks …….. the long wait is over. Here it is!
“Tune in tomorrow as Rev. Croom embarks on a new life of selective observance. He’ll dine and dash (thou shalt not steal), covet Herb’s wife, murder Jamaal, and make a graven image, but he’ll at least call his mom to wish her a happy birthday (honor thy father and mother). The funnies haven’t been this theologically bold since Judge Parker financed the construction of a giant needle big enough for a dozen camels to thread.” –Abram Beazer
And here are the hilarious runners up!
“Of course Wilbur’s changed! He’s parting his combover on the other side, he’s talking a pensive walk at sea level instead of drinking on top of a cliff, and he’s starting wearing a mustard colored polo to hide the inevitable stains.” –Rosstifer
“I was going to make fun of how the plugger is holding the umbrella and I picked up an umbrella to test it and that is how I hold an umbrella! Going to sit with this.” –matt w
“Who wakes up in the morning and thinks ‘Let’s write a joke about mental illness and violence, with Vikings’? Who wakes up and thinks ‘Let’s start that joke with We need to hold Dr. Zook accountable’? Cartoonist, heal thyself!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
“I like how everyone’s expression is shock except for Moose, who is incandescent with rage. He is going to kick the shit out of his three teenaged friends, and maybe Mr. Andrews to boot. He’s a legit psychopath!” –pugfuggly
“I should warn you, these people are real hoarders. They’re not going to be impressed by fake hoarder wannabes like you guys. ‘Oh look at us, the back seat of our car has so much stuff in it there’s no room for passengers.’ Come on! Real hoarders have the whole car filled up to the roof except for a tiny space just big enough for the driver.” –Peanut Gallery
“I was going to say that Reggie is a better friend than I’d assumed — he’s a rich kid, and instead of pushing the car, he could have called a Lyft and abandoned his friends — but then I looked at the group assembled here. Archie, Jughead, Reggie, and Moose? This isn’t a group of friends! I don’t know what they were up to — please let it be a heist! — but ‘lost my keys at the beach’ is an obvious fake alibi for their many crimes.” –Victor Von
“‘Junk luggers’ is the slang for twin siblings in a committed relationship with each other, apparently.” –Tabby Lavalamp
“Here’s the weirdest part: the song being played right now is ‘The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald’ by Gordon Lightfoot.” –Joe Blevins
“I always thought Hi and Lois were Northeastern suburbanites, but is it possible that they live in the coastal West? Sure, it’s more earthquake-prone, but that would also mean that their huge tract of land — with a backyard so large that you can’t even see where it ends — would be even more valuable. It’s a little strange that they have to rake up so many deciduous leaves in the fall, but then again, so did the Peanuts gang, while Charles Schulz famously lived in Northern California. Anyhow, it’s a good thing they have so much space, because it’s hard to see Chip ever moving out once rock & roll is completely taken over by AI, and the twins don’t exactly seem like geniuses either. (On the other hand, Trixie will move to Arizona to be closer to her beloved sunbeam, and will visit her parents once a year at Christmas, in between sessions with her therapist to talk over her neglect-filled childhood.)” –BigTed
“‘What are they up to?’ ‘I’d say the taller of the two is 4′6″, maybe 4′7″; the shorter one is probably 4′5″.’” –Bob Tice
“Ladies, if you’ll indulge me for a mo, would you do me a real quick favor and lower your arms to your sides? I just want to make sure that they’re both the same length and that the right one isn’t actually some grotesque spaghetti/arm hybrid that’s going to end up draped across the sta– Oh. Oh, no.” –els
“‘We’ll get him back, Mister President,’ the Phantom says, thinking back to the last tragic escape from Bangalla’s prison system which ended in a tragic and ill-advised nude performance of Hamlet.” –Voshkod
“Geez, Mother Goose and Grimm, they ceased operation now. You can just say ‘Spirit Airlines.’” –2+2=7
“I’m reminded of the ending of Avenue Q, when Princeton decides that his purpose is to take everything he’s learned in life and put it into a show. To which Brian replies, ‘Dude, are you high?’ No one is high in Judge Parker, unfortunately. You can tell by the way everyone looks like they bit into a lemon.” –Lauralot
“Herb’s in the kitchen, idly piling mashed potatoes into a graven image of a calf.” –Dan
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