“Ex-wives, am I right? First they’re not interested in your old junk because they’ve broken all attachments to you and are trying to move on from the emotional disruption of the divorce, but then they are interested in the regular payments you still make to them as compensation for the financial disruption caused by the divorce. This is a funny juxtaposition of two inconsistent positions … ? Because they’re women? Am I … am I right?” –Stuart F

“Ah, yes, Glenwood’s ‘Old Town.’ A couple blocks of boarded-up shops interspersed with a few dank watering holes where down-and-out traveling salesmen can run their scammy side gigs without being bothered by the near-catatonic denizens. Do they sell postcards?” –But What Do I Know?

“I’d like to think that Hollywood Update Live is actually Access Hollywood, the real-life entertainment-news show that was just canceled after 30 years. Maybe someone there thinks this could be the one big story that somehow keeps them on the air. ‘Hey, remember that actress who disappeared? Well, some guy knows where she is and what she’s doing! No, she wasn’t kidnapped. No, it’s not drugs. No, it’s not porn. Well, she’s been living in her house, and now she’s working as a waitress. Oh, and get this — she gained some weight! What, you say no one will care much about any of that? Darn, I guess I shouldn’t have offered this tipster all the money in the fund for our severance pay. I guess I was as bad an intern as everybody kept saying!’” –BigTed

“Grimm and Ralph might be having a pretty disturbing conversation, but don’t judge them too harshly: according to the label on those cans, they are surrounded by innumerable containers of preserved dog flesh, a situation bizarre and morbid enough to drive even the most stable canine to madness. Frankly the fact that they are confining their desire for revenge on the human race to their traditional enemies is a prodigious act of restraint.” –Vulpes

“Charles makes the rookie mistake of thinking today’s meeting with the king was on medieval Zoom.” –Hibbleton

“This king knows damn well Vikings eat their peas off their knife, just like any other working member of a war band. He’s just casting aspersions to cover up his degenerate adoption of that Italian innovation, the fork.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Arriving at Guantanamo at 02:00? Just enough time to watch The Grudge! Obviously The Ring would have been first choice of early 2000s supernatural horror films, but it runs a little longer and you don’t want to get stuck wrapping up the ending while people are already deplaning.” –pugfuggly

“‘Real Love’ being the name of the terrible Partridge Family tribute band Sharon and her hub have forced the children into. Harvey’s tambourine skills get put to the test!” –A Grave Mind

“In the fairy tale, Snow White doesn’t employ the dwarfs — she’s just a peasant girl and they’re just some strangers who let her crash in their cottage in exchange for light domestic work. But in our fallen world, sure, I guess Snow White can be a hard-hearted efficiency-maxxing capitalist in charge of a mining conglomerate. Do you think she employs dwarfs because she’s technically registered as a disability charity for tax reasons, or just because you can force them into smaller holes than other people?” –Schroduck

“He may be ripped off and heartbroken again, but I won’t have to watch it.” –MKay

“When will Lonnie accept his destiny and become a middle school woodshop teacher? He has all the prerequisites: the glasses, the mustache, the haircut, the wardrobe, the posture, the general demeanor, etc.” –Joe Blevins

“I’m guessing the back story is that this guy wanted a shirt like Charlie Brown, but a zigzag stripe was too outlandish for his personality.” –nescio

“If this were the old Dick Tracy, this would absolutely be setting up a scene where Mumbles gets crushed to death in a sea of hugs during a suit parade at Midwest FurFest.” –Anonymous Furry

“Note Lillian’s stiff posture in the first panel. She’s come out from behind her table only to find herself confronted by … a fan? She’s heard of such people, and she’s sure they must exist, since against all logic her publisher keeps paying her to write books. But her deep (and not undeserved) sense of self-loathing forbids her from fully accepting the idea, and she tenses up, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But whew! By the third panel she’s relieved to find that the only threat this woman poses is her weak facility for ‘wordplay.’ This, she can handle. She’s known Ed Crankshaft for DECADES. She’s got this!” –Doctor Moreau (Not a Doctor)

“The narration box tells us that Toby is calling Mary, which we can see happening, to ease us into the final shock of Mary saying that she is already packing her bag when she is not literally doing so.” –matt w

“Look at that anteater smile in the first panel. It knows it’s going to ruin some days by making people think about anteaters in the B.C. universe having their tongues in their noses. B.C. ANTEATERS HAVE NOSE TONGUES!” –Tabby Lavalamp

“In an interesting philosophical twist on comic conventions, Gertie does not have an idea in the first panel, but instead merely thinks about an idea. But does thinking about an idea actually bring that idea into being, and thus she actually has an idea but has not realized the idea is there yet? Much to discuss about the nature of existence in the Old Lady NASCAR strip this week.” –Drew Funk

“Let’s all put Ritz crackers over our eyes and meditate on loneliness.” –76VDubber

“Roz’s facial expression is the highlight every time she appears. Deep loathing with a tinge of resignation. Like she just watched the humans below take their cat into the house, once again denying her the sweet release of seeing Shoe and Cosmo, or today’s emotional-pain devotee, becoming the feline’s chew toy.” –Tonio

“Mr. Freaky is my father! Please, call me Steve!” –Old School Allie Cat

“I eat again at the so-called Soul Food place, and yet again I fail to consume a soul. Am I misinterpreting the signs, or is this place lying to me? The owner pries into my writing. I tell him only truth, and he seems troubled. Perhaps his soul is troubled. I could calm it. I could devour it. His partner is nowhere to be seen. The restaurant is empty. Today I will eat soul food.” –Voshkod

“Man, the little frog dude is DEEP in thought over there. It’s just Swiss cheese, guy! Unless you’re wondering what in a deli a frog would be eating, which, yeah, that whole deal is pretty damn weird!” –A Grave Mind

“Alone at last, Hi has the self-satisfied look of a man who’s just let out a huge fart he’s been holding in a long time.” –Hibbleton

“Teaching children about the difference between transitive and intransitive verbs is actually much more useful than the dubious factoids Slylock Fox usually gives out, so kudos.” –Ettorre

“This is your hype man, Dagwood? Shorter, balder, Abe Vigoda? Kind of makes you question the concept of hype men, doesn’t it?” –Victor Von

“Leroy should try weaponized neediness at home. It just might be the catalyst that blows up the whole miserable thing.” –MKay

“To add insult to injury, since none of them died in battle, none of them are going to Valhalla, and thanks to Brother Olaf, they’re probably all going to Hell!” –Charterstone: Dune

“Come on, a plugger doesn’t stare a big plate of peas and carrots and … is that hummus? … and think ‘Mmm, I just wish I could eat more of these healthy vegan treats.’ A plugger envies a cow’s four stomachs because KFC sells bucket meals that feed four.” –Schroduck

“Note, it doesn’t say that pluggers envy cows for having four stomachs. It says they envy the stomachs themselves. Oh what bliss, to be nothing but a giant stomach! Or possibly four of them, even better.” –Peanut Gallery

“This incident is going to haunt Herb, a man whose own thoughts are so wholesome he can say them aloud whenever he chooses. It had never occurred to him that some thoughts are not fit for public dissemination. What could those thoughts be? WHAT IS ON THOSE PAGES???” –Joe Blevins

“Gotta give it to the hipsters of Rex Morgan, M.D., Mud would never eat in something as gauche as a McDonald’s. Why, I bet their employees aren’t even allowed to style their facial hair after Chester A. Arthur! Phooey!” –Tabby Lavalamp

“I like the contrast between the two garbage men in their reaction to Heathcliff’s enormous monument to trash. One considers it a literal work of art, not only a tribute to Heathcliff but also to his own noble profession, and gazes upon it in wide-eyed reverence. The other furrows his brow in annoyance as he realizes whose responsibility it is to clean this mess up.” –Vulpes

“You know what they say, ‘Keep your friends close, but keep your doddering parent who’s liable to give your inheritance away if you don’t maintain constant surveillance on their internet usage closer.’” –But What Do I Know?

“Wait, so … neither of us wants to be at this restaurant? Can we leave then?” –Navigator

“In 2027 NASCAR will celebrate 20 years of not using leaded gas. That’s after, say, 40 years of Gertie’s in-person fandom. It explains a lot.” –ValdVin

“It’s bad enough she ran out of gas, but she also ran out of tires.” –Everybody Posts, Nobody Reads

“Maybe this is Dennis’ way of telling his parents that there’s a huge pile of dog shit in the other room, and now he’s running out of the house. That’s fairly menacing.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“Given hulky guy’s big ‘snifff’ in panel two, it’s cocaine, right? ‘Hot wings and beer’ must be the elaborate euphemism the cool jocks use to keep their drugs away from the nerds.” –Lawyerbob

“The boys are fine … The hub’s fine too. By which I mean, Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport, or ATL, the primary hub of Delta Airlines, is impressive. Considering how many flights come through there every hour, it’s a wonder of efficiency and professionalism. It makes the passenger’s layover practically enjoyable! …Anyway, the boys asked about you, because they don’t have a father.” –Chance

“It’s cool that Hi wants to do the Harpo thing and watch this all unfold while just making dumb expressions, but can we get this man a slide whistle? A bike horn? Something? ‘We’re getting drinks with these guys, see you whenever we’re done! ‘HONK … honk.’” –A Grave Mind

“I like him because he’s literally anyone other than a member of my horrible family!” –Peanut Gallery

“Maybe you should buy multiple copies of the newspaper. That way, everyone could get their own and you wouldn’t have to do … whatever this is.” –Joe Blevins

“I hate that ‘Bean’s End’ is the catalog Crankshaft orders gardening supplies from when there are real-life and quite famous catalogs for L.L.Bean and Land’s End, neither of which are gardening companies. Puns are nominally your whole thing! Nobody made you give up cancer, that was your choice!” –Dan

“Golf on the radio! Could anything be more boring? What about golf on video streaming, but the camera only records the journalist?” –Ettorre

“Look, I get it, it’s golf, the lingo is what it is, but when a guy whose last name is Moon and who dresses like Don Johnson Goes to Margaritaville uses the phrase ‘nine holes of stroke play,’ I feel like maybe it’s time to put down the comics page and take in a rousing morning’s church service. Confessional, here I come!” –els

“Because those are petroglyphs and they predate written language by thousands of years, Leroy, you doorknob. No wonder your marriage is a shambles!” –Tabby Lavalamp

“So that’s why Sharon has been so busy — she’s serving aboard the Starship Enterprise as a science officer.” –Johnny lt

“Knowing that Dustdad’s bitter, misanthropic attitude stems from his feelings of being lost and adrift in a world that’s moving too fast for him makes me … happy that he’s suffering, really. I hope every day a new app comes out that he doesn’t know how to use. I hope every child that crosses his path runs up to him, yells ‘six-seven’ and runs away laughing while he loudly demands to know what that means. I hope the teller at the bank asks him for the security password he set for his account and he doesn’t remember it.” –TheDiva

“Being asked to prove his humanity with a CAPTCHA is an existential crisis for a man who spent decades avoided the least bit of self-reflection.” –Philip

“Granted it has been a long time since I’ve sent in an actual paper tax return, but should it fit so nicely in a little envelope like that? Or maybe CatMan simply writes ‘I do not recognize the authority of your False Corporatist Government’ on a sheet of paper along with a scanned copy of his signed social security card.” –pugfuggly

“Lonnie sells office Dieffenbachia houseplants. ‘Look how big and healthy it is! We can’t seem to get them to die. I’m afraid we won’t be ordering any replacements this season, sorry.’” –Ukulele Ike

“Jesus, Thirsty, just file an extension. It’s a signature, a Social Security Number, and you’ll have until October 15. You can sober up by October.” –Doc Wonmug

“Henry is concentrating so hard because if he can get a tax refund, he’ll finally be able to afford a vacuum cleaner so Alice doesn’t have to sweep the house with a cartoon witch’s broomstick any more.” –Schroduck

“Every year the baseball season begins a little earlier. It’s been a long time indeed since it began in mid-April. How long? Well, it was back when the creators of Blondie were paying attention to outside reality. That’s how long.” –Rube

“Wait, so this guy is a young man? He doesn’t look like it, he looks the same approximate age as Dagwood, or maybe even older. If he is young, why is he hanging out with Dagwood, who holds young people in contempt? Anyway don’t let this man’s ambiguous age distract you from his desire to fuck a baseball player, or possibly a baseball.” –Vulpes

“We all gas on the Bumsteads’ weird living room arrangement — Blondie’s tiny chair, turned 90 degrees away from Dagwood etc. — but if my choices were whatever weird gastronomic reality TV perversion Dagwood’s been ‘binging’ lately or a green–blue shimmering void, I’d choose the void too.” –Charterstone: Dune

“Oh look, Andy Capp finally passed the Bechdel Test after all these years.” –Gordogato