“We’ve all just barely accepted that the Lockhorns are millennials, but must we now face the even more chilling possibility that Leroy is good at his job? If these are the last six employees at the company and he’s one of them? Surely Mr. Squidfingers isn’t keeping him around for his personality.” –Navigator

“Usually, when someone processing a lifetime of trauma finally gets a chance to meet an estranged family member, it will be one step in a years-long journey. But not Brandy! She went away for a couple weeks and ‘got the answers she needed.” Now she’s ready to return to her established life and talk loudly about how good everything is. Truly, she is a perfect match for Tommy.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“If Dennis has been exposed to one lesson in life, it’s that Mr Wilson is not deserving of any respect from anyone, ever.” –MKay

“‘At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.’ Well, it says nothing about no strings sex!” –Ettorre

“As a chronically anxious person, I understand all too well that the mind will often go to incredible lengths to find something to worry about, justified or not. So what was Martha agonizing over before George’s low-effort remark prompted this prodigious display of sarcasm? They’re pretty old, so probably the fear of death, right? Martha is worried that after their rapidly-approaching demise there’s nothing, nonexistence, oblivion, and that thought absolutely terrifies her. No wonder George’s advice didn’t help! George, of course, has no fear of death, because he figures anything is preferable to that fucking Mitchell kid.” –Vulpes

“A quick Google reveals that Deepwater Horizon blew only 4 months after Dustin started as a comic strip. Coincidence? Probably, yeah.” –Comically Challenged

“Well, the workout didn’t give Crankshaft a heart attack, so hopefully the pizza will.” –nescio

“Dustin is such a huge fan of Mark Wahlberg (a real Wicked Pissah Wahlhead, as they call themselves) that he’s watched the entire Wahlberg filmography, even 2016’s Deepwater Horizon — an action movie with no memorable moments, that somehow cost $156 million to make and I think I might be the only person who saw it in a theater. Naturally, he’s memorized all Wahlberg’s classic lines of dialogue like. ‘The Deepwatah Horizon oil spill dumped 150 million fuckin’ gallons of oil into the fuckin’ ocean’ and he’ll bust them out any chance he gets.” –Schroduck

“This is the most disturbing facial expression ever used on Crankshaft. Horny for pizza.” –Rusty

“The wife tells her husband that they need to clean out their hoard for the sale so it looks like no one lives there. Lois corrects her: ‘No. Not no one! Just you two. I already hate you and we only just met.’” –Hibbleton

“I mean, come on. You have a picture hanging at an almost 45 degree angle. There’s ‘lived in’ and then there’s ‘given up on life.’” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Staging a house for sale is not ‘getting rid of all the junk so it looks like no one lives here.’ It’s just the opposite! It means filling the house with new, more elegant, minimalist junk — so potential buyers can imagine themselves living there, except as more tasteful and discerning people who know exactly how to fan three travel magazines over the coffee table so they look perfect. Real-estate agent Lois must understand this — in fact, she’s applied the same principle to her own family’s cavernous home, to the point where there are entire rooms where there’s clearly nothing comfortable to sit in.” –BigTed

“It’s incredible how this strip manages to take any interesting story subject and find the most boring direction to take it in. A couple of teenaged twin scammers with a desire for revenge? What if, instead of watching them pull scams, we spent weeks with the brainstorming scams ideas, and rejecting them all for practical reasons? Maybe we could also put them in a blue void, just to make sure that there’s nothing interesting going on in the background.” –pugfuggly

“Who barges into choir practice and screams that the choir director has to leave without any explanation? Crankshaft, I know the answer is Crankshaft; it’s rhetorical. It’s outrageous behavior, though, and there’d better be a magical fire that only Harry’s piss can extinguish; that’s all I’m saying.” –Victor Von

“Hang on. You have these precise, extremely uniform bobs, the exact same shade of Tang. Matching tops and matching manicures — but squatting is too much of a commitment?” –Old School Allie Cat

“Yes, Ed. Everyone already knows about the ‘Dogs Playing Poker’ picture.” –Liam

“I have never seen Mother Goose so happy and good for her. Get that crossword, girl!” –matt w

“Technically, Grimm, it’s Lake Champlain, at least in March 1998 when Senate Bill 927 was signed by Bill Clinton before an uproar resulted in an amendment to the bill. Oh, jokes are funny but the fat-cats in Washington diluting our Great Lakes to provide lake research money to their state cronies isn’t? Oh, sorry, Attila, I should have realized that fat-cat is a bit of an insult to you.” –Voshkod

“But they’re in front of him. The flames. They’re in front of him. He’s looking at them. He’s looking at the flames that are in front of him. Look, I’m not asking for Paul Greengrass-style realism from Daddy Daze of all things, I know better than that, but if the guy a) can see well enough to drive, b) is able to parse that his pre-verbal child is making some kind of reference to fire, and c) has, like, nerves, he can absolutely detect a fire that is four inches and a thin pane of glass away from him.” –els

“Everything indicates that Angus is under one year old, meaning he should be in a rear-facing seat. Granted, this would impede the setup of today’s joke, but honestly the joke isn’t doing much to justify the effort.” –TheDiva

“Pinocchio holds his own control bars aloft and finally earns his therapist’s approval despite the obvious fact that the physics of the whole situation — just like the original ‘lifting oneself by one’s bootstraps’ — are quite impossible. He is no Aristotelian unmoved mover. Pinocchio knows this; he has grimly resigned himself to a performative dance of supposed self-determination to avoid the smug nagging of those around him.” –hurricanenate

“Snuffy is indeed dreaming if he thinks he can outrun any those animals.” –But What Do I Know?

“‘I want to name our ice cream parlor Buster’s after Buster Douglas!’ ‘Oh yeah? Well, I want to name our ice cream parlor Brewster’s after Brewster’s Millions.’ ‘If only there were a compromise that would dissatisfy both of us!’” –Joe Blevins

“Sure, Snuffy can afford specialized packaged snack foods like animal crackers, when his family can barely get up the scratch to buy oil and dredging flour for Loweezy to fry up the chickens he steals. Why not say he’s eating caviar with crème fraîche on toast points, while you’re at it? Sheesh!” –BigTed

“I can’t believe you, Tommy. You’re supposed to be a Froyo Guy! If you got peer pressured into returning to ice cream this easily, your sobriety can’t last long.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“Dawn and Wilbur and Tommy are so happy! It hurts my very soul.” –matt w

“None of these people know how to eat an ice cream cone, do they? Wilbur is rubbing the ice cream over his chin, Tommy is going in for the slightly-open-mouth kiss, and Dawn has blanked out and doesn’t even remember what she’s holding.” –Basil Wishbone

“A summer porch isn’t a porch until you’re holding a lemonade! Before that it’s a deck, at best. I don’t know what you have to drink to make it a veranda.” –Mr. A

“This would normally be a lead-up to the infamous Shoe Google Eyes of Horror, but Roz doesn’t flinch at all. The Perfesser dying alone would be the least shocking thing to happen in this strip.” –pugfuggly

“Number one reason workers strike gas lines: distraction. Blowing up the neighborhood would be Dennis’s crowning menace.” –MKay

“Secondly, ‘kidnapping’ would count as something happening, and that’s not allowed in this strip. You might want to try over at Judge Parker; those people get abducted at the drop of a hat.” –TheDiva

“Why is Wilbur talking in that stilted, early-reader prose? ‘It is too small to fit much food.’ Is he trying to explain to an unseen audience of preschoolers what small is? ‘The pan is small. It is not big. Not much food can fit in it. This pan is smaller than my stomach.’” –Chance

“I can’t help feeling that this is the puppet equivalent of masturbation, which makes it rather disturbing that this is all happening on the psychiatrist’s couch as he watches approvingly.” –Schroduck

“Perhaps it’s that triglyceride-laden sandwich you just consumed — made of Gruyere cheese, ham, bechamel sauce and white bread — that’s causing you such discomfort, sir. Why, you might croque, Monsieur!” –Bob Tice

“I’m honestly shocked that Gertie is pondering which consumer grade gasoline to douse herself in for date night. You can buy 98 octane Sunoco Green E15, the official fuel of NASCAR, at over 150 specialty fuel distributors nationwide. There’s no excuse for this, Gertie!” –Beaston

“Calm down there, Uncle Jimmy. You’re constantly being thwarted by the cast of Rex Morgan, M.D., for crying out loud. When you get out, you should be begging for a job at the vintage blow mold figure emporium instead of planning the next crime you will fumble hilariously.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“At last this story can move on to the main plot: What Brandy’s going to do for money now that Freda’s replaced her with a self-checkout after her three-month absence.” –Charterstone: Dune

“Gertie looks genuinely excited in the first panel about going out to dinner with her husband! I’d like to say this is a sign that she really does love him despite constantly denying him any respite from her NASCAR monomania, but it’s more likely that after extensive negotiations she consented to going to a NASCAR-themed restaurant such as Lancaster’s BBQ in Mooresville, North Carolina, where she can sit in the #3 Dale Earnhardt Bus while he stares into the middle distance and slowly dies inside.” –Vulpes

“‘I have pockets??’ ‘You do now.’ ‘You are a mighty wizard!’” –Voshkod

“Merlin, I know it’s not polite to ask, but how is your nose the only part of your face not covered in hair? It goes all the way up to your eyelashes! Are you shaving your nose every morning?” –Lauralot

“What’s that you say? I just have to sign and the company can legally push Lockhorn down an elevator shaft? Of course I’ll sign, I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time, not sure why you had to stand on a stool to tell me that. Where do I initial to get my office walls back?” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“I know it’s not polite to ask …. but I’m not polite! I casually violate social conventions all the time, and everyone knows it! Sometimes I murder people just to grab their valuables! I’m a goddamn viking! Anyway, do you have much cash on hand?” –Rita Lake

“Phil’s ‘So…you’re saying yes?’ in panel one is heartbreaking because she’s clearly not saying yes. Luann, this is a teachable moment. You wanna be a teacher? Teach your little friend here about how people talk when they’re trying to let you down easy.” –Joe Blevins

“Thanks, Dawn! After the stream of shittalking I overheard from Wilbur about me, I felt really down; but then I thought about your haircut and realized if you don’t need external validation neither do I.” –Hibbleton

“You know how most phones will say ‘Possible Spam’ or something to that effect when an unknown number calls? April uses so many burner phones that her family just assumes unknown numbers are her at this point, and have set their phones accordingly.” –TheDiva

“Wilbur barely seems interested in what’s going on with Dawn and Tommy. He’s thinking, ‘Hey, what if everything I said was in a Sam Elliott voice? Y’know, that deep, laconic cowboy thing he’s got going on? That would be cool! I bet people would like me then! Also, has my daughter somehow become our neighbor’s drug counselor? Eh, it’ll probably be fine. I wonder if it’s lunchtime yet?’” –BigTed

“Some people would get aroused from watching fit young women in swimwear jumping around. But not Leroy. No, he has a much more elaborate fetish. He can only get off looking at spreadsheets of numbers relating to said fit young women in swimwear jumping around. The Orlando Valkyries are beating their ace ratio by 4.2 percentage points on the 2025 season? Oh yeahhhhhh, Leroy’s going need a cold shower.” –Schroduck

“I’m trying to determine the meaning of what Leroy is doing with his left hand. Is he doing the ‘money’ gesture where you rub your fingers and thumb together? After all, Loretta says he’s more than a mere participant in this fantasy league, he started it, which means even if he doesn’t win he gets to keep a portion of the pot. It’s kind of a relief to know that Leroy’s interest in these young women is mostly financial. He’s probably not even looking at stats, let alone actual games — he’s just seeing people join his league and hearing cash register noises.” –Vulpes

“What does ‘down the way‘ mean in a featureless desert? I think she’s telling him either that she’s some sort of burrowing animal, or that she’s a demon from Hell. Either way, he’s in love!” –Peanut Gallery

“ACAB (All Cops Are Born to serve gil thorp)” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Yes, we’re home! And finally safe! Our enemies at the CIA are no longer a problem. Thanks to Bogdan. With his bare hands. And he only asked for one favor in return! That’s probably him at your door right now.” –cheech wizard

“Can these twins please watch Catch Me If You Can or something to get a sense of what sort of scams might be profitable? Or interesting to watch? ” –Rita Lake

“Move out of where? I have no idea of what his situation is. To be honest, I barely remember his name is ‘Phil’ and only know he’s a nurse because he never takes those moldy scrubs off.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Everyone must make sacrifices and suffer for Luann’s sake. It’s like she’s Christ, except the opposite — there must be a quicker way to say that.” –Ettorre

“Imagine walking around in real life, when you see a man whose suit is somehow made of static. It’s buzzing and glitching and generally violating all the laws of fabric, sewing, and good taste. There would be so many crashes as people take their eyes off the road to stare. This is why television and cars don’t mix.” –Lauralot

“Luann’s dream is to become a teacher in the mid-21st century. She’s never going to be able for afford rent, Phil.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Oh, well, everyone knows that, when recovering from addiction, the first of the 12 steps is Sincerity.” –RoofPig, on Patreon

“‘If you blocked her, how do you know you got an online detention, Elmo?’ ‘Listen, Mr. Bumstead, I don’t write this stuff. They just draw a speech bubble next to me!”’ –Bob Tice

“‘Do hugs, not drugs’ might be a catchy slogan, but consider: what if the hug involved Wilbur?” –Blond Pardo

“Why is it even called Blondie instead of Dagwood? The strip doesn’t even have ‘Blondie Permanence.’ As soon as Blondie-the-character isn’t in a room with Dagwood-the-character, everything about her disappears, even her strangely placed chair in the TV room.” –Doc Wonmug