Archive: metaposts

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Forget the equinox: We all know September and the school year herald the end of summer as we know it. So enjoy this last pre-fall comment of the week:

“Milford and the local athletic conference play by modified rules of football, where ‘getting your nose’ of your opponent is worth extra points. This is because sports is more valued than education, so a good percentage of players don’t have object permanence.” –Philip

These runners up? Also summery fun!

“I have three big questions: 1) Why does she speak in yellow bubbles? 2) Why did she stop by the dorm just to do her lipstick in a floor length mirror and then leave again? 3) Who taught Greg Evans the phrase ‘don’t yuck my yum’ and how do we bring them to justice?” –the autumn and the scarlet, on BlueSky

“I guess this is supposed to be a romantic setting — but the ominous canopy of pure-black trees in the daylight suggests we’re getting to the part of the movie where a pair of hormonal teens will be axe-murdered by inbred monster-folk as soon as they start getting frisky.” –BigTed

Hi is 39 and Lois must be around the same age. She was a teenager around the turn of the millennium, so she should not know anything about handwritten letters. She should encourage her son to call the girl, text using a ton of abbreviations to stay within characters limit, or go to AOL messaging.” –Ettorre

“Do you think the artist for Beetle Bailey understands that Sarge wears a tie, and not a pair of disconnected triangles, the upper one attached to his neck, the other hovering ominously below? Or has it been reduced to mere symbolism, a icon of an early forgotten age?” –Voshkod

“The Marvin team shows, yet again, that they have never cared for — or, possibly, met — a toddler. There’s no joke in this comment, out of respect for the Marvin team, which clearly subscribes to some sort of devoutly anti-humor and anti-natalist cult or sect.” –a.

“You’re in Dustin, Dustin. Nobody knows any good jokes.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“Don’t do it, Dustin! It’s a trick, intended solely to humiliate you!” –The Breathtaking Bonehead Brothers

“Lois is momentarily caught off guard by the realization that this couple is so in sync that they’re finishing each other’s sentences. She had forgotten that married life was not miserable for everyone, at least not at first. She shook herself and steeled her jaw. One more sale; that was all she needed. One more commission, and she could afford to start over, alone, someplace far away…” –Guts Dozier

“How about ‘neuters,’ which is what the woman is going to do to you when she gets that poem.” –TheDiva

“Cody is still sitting in his car because he’s also had a heart attack … and he’s dead. Jonah’s last words as he seeks his help: ‘You good for nothing little…’ Cut to Rex doing an autopsy on the two boys which, all things considered, is not a bad way to wrap up this story arc. ‘It’s never too late to connect with loved ones, or not.’ He smirks.” –Hibbleton

“Alice, that is not a purse. That is a teabag. Which makes me wonder if her real problem is that she boiled her purse and drank it. We can only imagine what potent cocktail of psychedelics and narcotics were in there.” –Schroduck

“I would be a daily reader of a version of Rex Morgan, M.D. in which every week is spent on a rando yelling at a regular cast member about how much they hate them before being mercifully taken out by some medical condition, free from ever having to interact with them again. I mean, I’m already a daily reader of Rex Morgan, M.D., but at least then my behavior would make sense to me.” –Drew Funk

“Nah, no worries, Andy Bear just noticed his kangaroo wife has swapped out the Zest for Coast, and he is confused. And yet, PUMPED.” –A Grave Mind

“Cuzzin could always date Dee Snider, lead singer of Twistedfer Sistofer.” –astroboy

“True story: When I woke up this morning the word ‘Mistofer’ was bouncing around my head, and I couldn’t remember where it was from — Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats, maybe? — and then I came to this website and had a horrible self-discovery.” –matt w

“Grandma Nutmeg knows a thing or two: that before robots, men spoke of golems and homunculii, almost-humans conceived and born deep in the uncanny valley. She knows that the origins of the word robot itself are from Old Church Slavonic — the one and true Christian liturgical language — and its term for servitude, and that every servant from the angels downward has the potential for rebellion. She knows that the cybernetic man, like all men, has a penchant for sticking his d*ck where it does not belong and should feel the hot sting of shame no less than any man.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Mr. Wilson’s retort to his wife is a cranky, mean-spirited remark so devoid of any wordplay or even the barest attempt at humor that it actually receives a rare negative score on what comic scientists refer to as the Crankshaft Quotient.” –Chance

“What the fuck is Jeff eating? Are those leaves? It would explain why Marvin and the cushion appear to be covered in flies, but that’s pretty much as expected.” –Rosstifer

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Slightly shorter list of comments of the week for a somewhat shorter week on my part, but this week’s top comment still delivers the laffs!

“Really liking that accusing look on Dennis’s face. ‘I was promised some kind of circus freak who lived like a dog, and instead I get this boring suburban schmoe? Boo! Zero stars!’” –pugfuggly

As do the very funny runners up!

“Or, you know, just throw out that tacky cheap pink vase, Lois. There is no way Hi is going to use the Japanese art of kintsugi to bring new life to it. At best he’ll slather on some Gorilla glue and you’ll constantly have to remember to turn that side to the wall.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Big props to yesterday’s Judge Parker for resolving a plot hole with ‘There was probably an entry code for the vacation home in the stuff Glen sent me, which I didn’t read.’ This rings true to life! On the other hand ‘The CIA agent has a pierced septum’ is probably also true to life and I hate it.” –matt w

Good resume. But she said she wanted to learn from me, and I wouldn’t like to have any employee with low enough self esteem to actually respect me. Have you seen our record?” –Philip

“Since there are no canals in Hartlepool (research consisting solely of scanning the Wikipedia page of that fair city and not seeing any photos of them), I’d like to think that Andy has fallen into an open sewage ditch. Don’t worry, nothing can kill him!” –But What Do I Know?

“Ever since our AI overlords banished women to an infinite plane that just contains kitchen appliances, I don’t get to talk to my friends much anyway. Who knew that this was how Gamergate was going to end?” –Voshkod

Yeah, right. You didn’t, Naomi. Olive saved her life. You have nice hair, though.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“I might be wrong but I think this whole story line is the plot to Madame Web.” –LTJpezcore1

Heathcliff’s sign is a command, people! You are BLOWING this!” –A Grave Mind

It’s late, we should be going. Not that sitting here on your sectional and staring at each other all night wasn’t fun, but we were kind of hoping you would offer us some drinks or snacks or entertainment or conversation. Still, your cat’s writing demonstration was a real surprise, so the evening wasn’t a total loss.” –BigTed

“Heathcliff is holding the sign facing away from the group. The other side says ‘Fuck you people.’” –The Rambling Otter

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