“Pinocchio holds his own control bars aloft and finally earns his therapist’s approval despite the obvious fact that the physics of the whole situation — just like the original ‘lifting oneself by one’s bootstraps’ — are quite impossible. He is no Aristotelian unmoved mover. Pinocchio knows this; he has grimly resigned himself to a performative dance of supposed self-determination to avoid the smug nagging of those around him.” –hurricanenate

“Snuffy is indeed dreaming if he thinks he can outrun any those animals.” –But What Do I Know?

“‘I want to name our ice cream parlor Buster’s after Buster Douglas!’ ‘Oh yeah? Well, I want to name our ice cream parlor Brewster’s after Brewster’s Millions.’ ‘If only there were a compromise that would dissatisfy both of us!’” –Joe Blevins

“Sure, Snuffy can afford specialized packaged snack foods like animal crackers, when his family can barely get up the scratch to buy oil and dredging flour for Loweezy to fry up the chickens he steals. Why not say he’s eating caviar with crème fraîche on toast points, while you’re at it? Sheesh!” –BigTed

“I can’t believe you, Tommy. You’re supposed to be a Froyo Guy! If you got peer pressured into returning to ice cream this easily, your sobriety can’t last long.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“Dawn and Wilbur and Tommy are so happy! It hurts my very soul.” –matt w

“None of these people know how to eat an ice cream cone, do they? Wilbur is rubbing the ice cream over his chin, Tommy is going in for the slightly-open-mouth kiss, and Dawn has blanked out and doesn’t even remember what she’s holding.” –Basil Wishbone

“A summer porch isn’t a porch until you’re holding a lemonade! Before that it’s a deck, at best. I don’t know what you have to drink to make it a veranda.” –Mr. A

“This would normally be a lead-up to the infamous Shoe Google Eyes of Horror, but Roz doesn’t flinch at all. The Perfesser dying alone would be the least shocking thing to happen in this strip.” –pugfuggly

“Number one reason workers strike gas lines: distraction. Blowing up the neighborhood would be Dennis’s crowning menace.” –MKay

“Secondly, ‘kidnapping’ would count as something happening, and that’s not allowed in this strip. You might want to try over at Judge Parker; those people get abducted at the drop of a hat.” –TheDiva

“Why is Wilbur talking in that stilted, early-reader prose? ‘It is too small to fit much food.’ Is he trying to explain to an unseen audience of preschoolers what small is? ‘The pan is small. It is not big. Not much food can fit in it. This pan is smaller than my stomach.’” –Chance

“I can’t help feeling that this is the puppet equivalent of masturbation, which makes it rather disturbing that this is all happening on the psychiatrist’s couch as he watches approvingly.” –Schroduck

“Perhaps it’s that triglyceride-laden sandwich you just consumed — made of Gruyere cheese, ham, bechamel sauce and white bread — that’s causing you such discomfort, sir. Why, you might croque, Monsieur!” –Bob Tice

“I’m honestly shocked that Gertie is pondering which consumer grade gasoline to douse herself in for date night. You can buy 98 octane Sunoco Green E15, the official fuel of NASCAR, at over 150 specialty fuel distributors nationwide. There’s no excuse for this, Gertie!” –Beaston

“Calm down there, Uncle Jimmy. You’re constantly being thwarted by the cast of Rex Morgan, M.D., for crying out loud. When you get out, you should be begging for a job at the vintage blow mold figure emporium instead of planning the next crime you will fumble hilariously.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“At last this story can move on to the main plot: What Brandy’s going to do for money now that Freda’s replaced her with a self-checkout after her three-month absence.” –Charterstone: Dune

“Gertie looks genuinely excited in the first panel about going out to dinner with her husband! I’d like to say this is a sign that she really does love him despite constantly denying him any respite from her NASCAR monomania, but it’s more likely that after extensive negotiations she consented to going to a NASCAR-themed restaurant such as Lancaster’s BBQ in Mooresville, North Carolina, where she can sit in the #3 Dale Earnhardt Bus while he stares into the middle distance and slowly dies inside.” –Vulpes

“‘I have pockets??’ ‘You do now. ‘You are a mighty wizard!’” –Voshkod

“Merlin, I know it’s not polite to ask, but how is your nose the only part of your face not covered in hair? It goes all the way up to your eyelashes! Are you shaving your nose every morning?” –Lauralot

“What’s that you say? I just have to sign and the company can legally push Lockhorn down an elevator shaft? Of course I’ll sign, I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time, not sure why you had to stand on a stool to tell me that. Where do I initial to get my office walls back?” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“I know it’s not polite to ask …. but I’m not polite! I casually violate social conventions all the time, and everyone knows it! Sometimes I murder people just to grab their valuables! I’m a goddamn viking! Anyway, do you have much cash on hand?” –Rita Lake

“Phil’s ‘So…you’re saying yes?’ in panel one is heartbreaking because she’s clearly not saying yes. Luann, this is a teachable moment. You wanna be a teacher? Teach your little friend here about how people talk when they’re trying to let you down easy.” –Joe Blevins

“Thanks, Dawn! After the stream of shittalking I overheard from Wilbur about me, I felt really down; but then I thought about your haircut and realized if you don’t need external validation neither do I.” –Hibbleton

“You know how most phones will say ‘Possible Spam’ or something to that effect when an unknown number calls? April uses so many burner phones that her family just assumes unknown numbers are her at this point, and have set their phones accordingly.” –TheDiva

“Wilbur barely seems interested in what’s going on with Dawn and Tommy. He’s thinking, ‘Hey, what if everything I said was in a Sam Elliott voice? Y’know, that deep, laconic cowboy thing he’s got going on? That would be cool! I bet people would like me then! Also, has my daughter somehow become our neighbor’s drug counselor? Eh, it’ll probably be fine. I wonder if it’s lunchtime yet?’” –BigTed

“Some people would get aroused from watching fit young women in swimwear jumping around. But not Leroy. No, he has a much more elaborate fetish. He can only get off looking at spreadsheets of numbers relating to said fit young women in swimwear jumping around. The Orlando Valkyries are beating their ace ratio by 4.2 percentage points on the 2025 season? Oh yeahhhhhh, Leroy’s going need a cold shower.” –Schroduck

“I’m trying to determine the meaning of what Leroy is doing with his left hand. Is he doing the ‘money’ gesture where you rub your fingers and thumb together? After all, Loretta says he’s more than a mere participant in this fantasy league, he started it, which means even if he doesn’t win he gets to keep a portion of the pot. It’s kind of a relief to know that Leroy’s interest in these young women is mostly financial. He’s probably not even looking at stats, let alone actual games — he’s just seeing people join his league and hearing cash register noises.” –Vulpes

“What does ‘down the way‘ mean in a featureless desert? I think she’s telling him either that she’s some sort of burrowing animal, or that she’s a demon from Hell. Either way, he’s in love!” –Peanut Gallery

“ACAB (All Cops Are Born to serve gil thorp)” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Yes, we’re home! And finally safe! Our enemies at the CIA are no longer a problem. Thanks to Bogdan. With his bare hands. And he only asked for one favor in return! That’s probably him at your door right now.” –cheech wizard

“Can these twins please watch Catch Me If You Can or something to get a sense of what sort of scams might be profitable? Or interesting to watch? ” –Rita Lake

“Move out of where? I have no idea of what his situation is. To be honest, I barely remember his name is ‘Phil’ and only know he’s a nurse because he never takes those moldy scrubs off.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Everyone must make sacrifices and suffer for Luann’s sake. It’s like she’s Christ, except the opposite — there must be a quicker way to say that.” –Ettorre

“Imagine walking around in real life, when you see a man whose suit is somehow made of static. It’s buzzing and glitching and generally violating all the laws of fabric, sewing, and good taste. There would be so many crashes as people take their eyes off the road to stare. This is why television and cars don’t mix.” –Lauralot

“Luann’s dream is to become a teacher in the mid-21st century. She’s never going to be able for afford rent, Phil.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Oh, well, everyone knows that, when recovering from addiction, the first of the 12 steps is Sincerity.” –RoofPig, on Patreon

“‘If you blocked her, how do you know you got an online detention, Elmo?’ ‘Listen, Mr. Bumstead, I don’t write this stuff. They just draw a speech bubble next to me!”’ –Bob Tice

“‘Do hugs, not drugs’ might be a catchy slogan, but consider: what if the hug involved Wilbur?” –Blond Pardo

“Why is it even called Blondie instead of Dagwood? The strip doesn’t even have ‘Blondie Permanence.’ As soon as Blondie-the-character isn’t in a room with Dagwood-the-character, everything about her disappears, even her strangely placed chair in the TV room.” –Doc Wonmug

“Tune in tomorrow as Rev. Croom embarks on a new life of selective observance. He’ll dine and dash (thou shalt not steal), covet Herb’s wife, murder Jamaal, and make a graven image, but he’ll at least call his mom to wish her a happy birthday (honor thy father and mother). The funnies haven’t been this theologically bold since Judge Parker financed the construction of a giant needle big enough for a dozen camels to thread.” –Abram Beazer

“Of course Wilbur’s changed! He’s parting his combover on the other side, he’s talking a pensive walk at sea level instead of drinking on top of a cliff, and he’s starting wearing a mustard colored polo to hide the inevitable stains.” –Rosstifer

“I was going to make fun of how the plugger is holding the umbrella and I picked up an umbrella to test it and that is how I hold an umbrella! Going to sit with this.” –matt w

“Who wakes up in the morning and thinks ‘Let’s write a joke about mental illness and violence, with Vikings’? Who wakes up and thinks ‘Let’s start that joke with We need to hold Dr. Zook accountable’? Cartoonist, heal thyself!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“I like how everyone’s expression is shock except for Moose, who is incandescent with rage. He is going to kick the shit out of his three teenaged friends, and maybe Mr. Andrews to boot. He’s a legit psychopath!” –pugfuggly

“I should warn you, these people are real hoarders. They’re not going to be impressed by fake hoarder wannabes like you guys. ‘Oh look at us, the back seat of our car has so much stuff in it there’s no room for passengers.’ Come on! Real hoarders have the whole car filled up to the roof except for a tiny space just big enough for the driver.” –Peanut Gallery

“I was going to say that Reggie is a better friend than I’d assumed — he’s a rich kid, and instead of pushing the car, he could have called a Lyft and abandoned his friends — but then I looked at the group assembled here. Archie, Jughead, Reggie, and Moose? This isn’t a group of friends! I don’t know what they were up to — please let it be a heist! — but ‘lost my keys at the beach’ is an obvious fake alibi for their many crimes.” –Victor Von

“‘Junk luggers’ is the slang for twin siblings in a committed relationship with each other, apparently.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Here’s the weirdest part: the song being played right now is ‘The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald’ by Gordon Lightfoot.” –Joe Blevins

“I always thought Hi and Lois were Northeastern suburbanites, but is it possible that they live in the coastal West? Sure, it’s more earthquake-prone, but that would also mean that their huge tract of land — with a backyard so large that you can’t even see where it ends — would be even more valuable. It’s a little strange that they have to rake up so many deciduous leaves in the fall, but then again, so did the Peanuts gang, while Charles Schulz famously lived in Northern California. Anyhow, it’s a good thing they have so much space, because it’s hard to see Chip ever moving out once rock & roll is completely taken over by AI, and the twins don’t exactly seem like geniuses either. (On the other hand, Trixie will move to Arizona to be closer to her beloved sunbeam, and will visit her parents once a year at Christmas, in between sessions with her therapist to talk over her neglect-filled childhood.)” –BigTed

“‘What are they up to?’ ‘I’d say the taller of the two is 4′6″, maybe 4′7″; the shorter one is probably 4′5″.’” –Bob Tice

“Ladies, if you’ll indulge me for a mo, would you do me a real quick favor and lower your arms to your sides? I just want to make sure that they’re both the same length and that the right one isn’t actually some grotesque spaghetti/arm hybrid that’s going to end up draped across the sta– Oh. Oh, no.” –els

“‘We’ll get him back, Mister President,’ the Phantom says, thinking back to the last tragic escape from Bangalla’s prison system which ended in a tragic and ill-advised nude performance of Hamlet.” –Voshkod

“Geez, Mother Goose and Grimm, they ceased operation now. You can just say ‘Spirit Airlines.’” –2+2=7

“I’m reminded of the ending of Avenue Q, when Princeton decides that his purpose is to take everything he’s learned in life and put it into a show. To which Brian replies, ‘Dude, are you high?’ No one is high in Judge Parker, unfortunately. You can tell by the way everyone looks like they bit into a lemon.” –Lauralot

“Herb’s in the kitchen, idly piling mashed potatoes into a graven image of a calf.” –Dan