“Oh no! Tommy’s going to get addicted to the dopamine hit that comes from spreading juicy gossip!” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Today’s Dick Tracy teaches us that when the cops come to get you, you should also shoot through the wall next to the door. Thanks, Dick Tracy!” –matt w

“Note that Dagwood doesn’t even bother checking the fridge. He knows he wouldn’t keep eclairs in there. No, a true gourmet appreciates the delicate sour note that you only get from leaving a load of raw cream at room temperature overnight.” –Schroduck

“Dagwood does not look like he’s searching for pastries. He looks like he’s reaching for a maybe, probably, dead mouse in each of the 3 panels he’s rummaging.” –Doc Wonmug

“Terrible balloon work on Sunday’s Dick Tracy. After some initial confusion, I eventually realized that Dick (or more precisely, Dick’s shoulder) is meant to be the one shouting that he has a warrant, but my initial read was that Widescreen was shouting through the door, perhaps in an attempt to trick the cops into thinking that he was about to arrest them. ‘I’m the police!’ ‘No, I’m the police!’ ‘No, I’m the police!’ ‘No, I’m the police!’ ‘No, you’re the police!’ ‘You’re the police, and that’s final!’ (Dick puts down gun and allows himself to be handcuffed and led away by Widescreen.)” –samurailizard

“Shouldn’t Tommy be in a funk because his girlfriend Brandy isn’t in his immediate line of sight?” –The Quiet Man

“I won’t be in here forever. Either they’ll let me out, I’ll escape, or I’ll eventually die. One way or another, I’ll be in a different location.” –Joe Blevins

“The alarm rings, rousing Judge Parker from sleep. ‘Ah, it’s finally six P.M.,’ he says sleepily. ‘Time to start drinking.’” –Voshkod

“If this is what Nelly looks like when she’s just gossiping with the stock boy, I can’t wait to see her facial expression explode after she finds out her coupon for toilet paper has expired.” –BigTed

“Does a bear shit in the woods? Well this one shit in his pants!” –Old School Allie Cat

“Cyclospora was a conspiracy by Big Laxative to scare off a generation of pluggers from naturally healthy and fibrous foods that would keep them from relying on prescription-grade Ex-Lax.” –Philip

“I’m a vegetarian, so maybe I’m taking this a bit personally, but this comic strip is … actively incorrect? I know it’s all in service of a pun, but Shoe and its depressed bird-people have not earned the goodwill necessary to disrespect dietary fiber like that.” –Vulpes

“‘This is just between you and me…’ said Tommy, staring up to the surveillance camera, imagining Mary watching the feed from the comfort of her condo. He imagined for a brief moment the incredible relief he would feel when the latest round of loyalty tests was over, before subtly adjusting the mic under his shirt and leaning in closer to Dawn.” –pugfuggly

“Boys, your grades are so bad, you’ve lost bedroom privileges! You’ll be sleeping in The Beige Dimension until I say otherwise!” –Victor Von

“‘THIS IS JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME!’ Tommy shouted, over the sounds of dropped bowling balls and crashing pins.” –CompassRose

“Silly Gil Thorp, you’ve made your bed wrong! When you use one of those Hollywood-approved L-shaped sheets, the half that comes all the way up to the neck goes on the WOMAN’s side, while the half that stops below the chest goes on the MAN’s. You’ve put this one on upside down!” –yo go re

“Beth looks like a woman in those TV ads where you find love by using the product. ‘Thanks for taking me to the big game, Gil! [turns to camera] And thank you, Prell!’” –A. Mulyak

“Sorry to all those Protoss ladies in the audience, Sam Catchem can’t construct any additional pylons for you gals. He’s already married … to justice.” –ectojazzmage

“Routine good?! Jacket Monster leap over and consume you now!” –A Grave Mind

“‘Uh, they’re just pulling your leg.’ June finds the nicest way possible to tell Rex the boys were gaslighting him because they think he’s stupid.” –Hibbleton

“Joke’s on these traffic scofflaws when judge-whisperer Sophie starts digging up colonial-era precedent for sentencing them to hard labor on Spencer Farm.” –Charterstone: Dune

“I’d hate to think they’re not keeping up. But I’d hate even more to have to do something about it!” –Ettorre

“Is this the first time we’ve seen the Daddy Daze daddy without glasses? There goes my theory that he was the victim of some diabolical experiment involving psychosis-inducing glasses.” –Pozzo

“The world’s largest corporations are spending trillions of dollars so the Montoni’s robot can drop the awful puns that are the staple of Westview discourse and make Crankshaft redundant and completely unnecessary to the point where he can vanish from his eponymous strip. Worth it!” –But What Do I Know?

“Pro tip: don’t drink milk out of jugs that are a solid nonwhite color.” –Morgan Wick

“Looks like Greg’s mutant powers are changing the weather to match his mood again. Little-known fact: Hurricane Sandy was the result of a particularly bad loss Greg suffered betting at the horse track.” –Abram Beazer

“Okay, I’m not saying turning this strip into Pepper the Pizza Robot (featuring Crankshaft) is a good idea, as such. I’m just saying it’s better than Harry Dinkle, World’s Greatest Band Director (featuring Crankshaft) which is where we seemed to be heading last month.” –Horace Broon

“I guess Pluggers was never meant to be seen at this resolution — it’s meant to be seen roughly the size of a postage stamp, printed in the cheapest inks on the greyest paper America’s struggling newspapers can afford — but those wonky pupils don’t look excited, they look manic with fear and rage. This is a man who is either suffering a breakdown, or is being depicted at the very moment he experiences his last colonoscopy.” –Schroduck

“I know that because they wouldn’t shut up about it while they were doing it. Just kept talking out loud as if they were narrating their own lives in the world’s most pointless documentary. God I am looking forward to the silence…” –pugfuggly

“What’s alarming is that by ‘apartment newsletter,’ she means a newsletter for their apartment — her husband is the only reader! It includes articles like ‘Study Finds Picking Up Socks Associated With 20% Increase in Happiness,’ ‘Local Man Needs to Buy More Toilet Paper,’ and ‘Gray Sofa Has Got to Go.’ Plus there’s a weekly dinner schedule (which only covers six meals, plus a recipe for Newsletter Night: ‘1 can chili + 1/2 bag frozen vegetables + microwave.’ Remarkably, she also writes and draws three surprisingly funny comic strips.” –BigTed

“If you’re a plugger, raising your arms in triumph and yelling ‘WOO HOO!’ would probably kill you, right there and then. I mean, you’d die with a smile on your face, but they’d also have to saw your arms off to fit you inside a coffin.” –Joe Blevins

“I look forward to the rest of this week’s Rex Morgan strips, in which Head-Lump tries out different ways of explaining the concept and process of moving to the twin’s increasingly addled grandfather. ‘Loaded some boxes and suitcases in their car and split.’ ‘Packed up their stuff and left.’ ‘Okay. First, they removed all their belongings from the premises. Are you with me so far? Good. And then they vacated said premises. Still with me? No? Hmm. Here, let me get out my finger puppets…’” –Doctor Moreau (Not a Doctor)

“First we have Nelly, who hates Mary and everything she stands for, and now we have Alma, who responds to the tepid ‘drama’ of the strip with dismissive ‘so what?’ I think we may have the most relatable Mary Worth arc in history here.” –TheDiva

“Actually, Helpful Apartment Resident’s head lump makes perfect artistic sense when you consider the tableau formed by the last two panels in today’s strip. Clearly these characters are being set in stark contrast to each other: Ollman is white, Lumpy is black; Ollman is old, McLump is young; Ollman wears black over powder blue, the Lumpster wears powder blue over black. So of course, since Ollman doesn’t have a weird head lump, there’s only one option that makes narrative sense.” –Vulpes

“And what about the reports of Marty Moon infiltrating your honeymoon suite and giving a play by play account?” –Liam

“We live in a cancel culture.’ Horsefeathers! You live in a legacy strip, the very definition of something that should be cancelled but isn’t!” –Ettorre

“What’s he doing with Mary? No, seriously. What’s anyone doing with Mary? In fact, in that light, avoiding witnesses sounds perfectly reasonable.” –Hibbleton

“Alma: Shots fired. ‘But his wife is hot! What could he possibly want with that hag?’ is such a funny take on this. ‘Mary’s far more age-appropriate, but laughing? In a car? You should only car-laugh with your wife, who is [checks notes] pretty! I mean, that’s the only thing I know about her, honestly, we’ve never spoken, I think her name might be Tommy, but — she’s beautiful! And young! Mary’s not even funny! Have you heard her tight five at the Charterstone monthly residents’ breakfast? So many jokes about muffins. Anyway, Nelly, gotta dash, I’ve got like five past-due bills here and I’ve gotta make myself scarce before The Man comes a’callin’. Toodles!’” –els

“The girls are giving Ian WAY more player cred than he deserves. I’d have gone with ‘Ian got out of the car and looked around like he didn’t know where he was.’” –MKay

“The most disturbing part of The Lockhorns is how much they have to fuck up the proportions of their entire world, just so that Leroy and Loretta can interact with it.” –Rosstifer

“So the purchase and unpackaging, to say nothing of possibly baking, of the cookies in the Flagston house is kept secret from Ditto? What other elaborate ruses are perpetuated? Can the sugar be salt? Liquid soaps interchangeable with lotions?? The Scott is now Charmin??? Oh, Flagstons, you purveyors of delightful madness!” –A Grave Mind

“[3 min earlier] No. Look. You see the sign ‘Adult Non-milestone Birthday Gift Suggestions?’ Just past that.” –Kevin on Earth

“He ate all those cookies? Ooh, somebody stop him! [long silence] You know, like, ‘Ooh, somebody stop me!’ From The Mask? Another hit movie from 1994? [more silence] Look, I did a lot of research for this joke, so I’m not going to not type it out.” –Mr. A

“They sat down in the middle of the lobby to fully dissect the salacious gossip of … two people sitting in a car and one of them looking around as he got out? Does no one in this complex have a job? Or hobbies? Or self-respect?” –Lauralot

“Right, anyone know a good black light black velvet poster maker who can pull this off? Something like this deserves a place of honor on my dorm room wall forty years ago!” –Buck Ripsnort

“I don’t get you, Belluso. You have no empathy for strangers, but you do for close members of your family? Maybe it’s the several blows to the head I take each day in our ritualistic prison beatings, but it makes no sense!” –Dan

“As I understand it, the reason computer prices keep rising is a worldwide shortage of a critical component: napalm.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“‘I told Wilbur recently that I’m proud of Dawn for helping Tommy with his sobriety,’ Mary says as she polishes off her second glass of wine and signals the waiter to keep ’em coming.” –Charterstoned

“Love how in the first panel Mary is talking to her ostensible boyfriend, with whom she can be relaxed and intimate, yet her thanks sound like the kind of stilted, ‘I have to fill up this whole thank you card with words, but also would like to end it as quickly as possible’ vibe of a child’s letter written under duress.” –Chance

“Thank you for making me a better man, Mary! I’ve become holy, almost monk-like, at least as far as the abstinence thing goes.” –cheech wizard

“Grandma so broke she can only buy Cheerio.” –pershing48, on BlueSky

“This Pluggers represents a new low … for me. I saw that this plugger had coordinated his T-shirt and his sneakers and thought, ‘God, I wish my life were that together.’ So, yeah, I’m now an aspiring plugger.” –Joe Blevins

“I always wondered how the characters in this strip managed their perfectly-timed synchronized laughs, and now we know: hours of practice with Mary. Don’t worry about your busy schedule, she’ll come to you and we can do it in the car.” –pugfuggly

“So Katherine isn’t the mother of Alan’s children? And Neddy and Sophie are foundlings or something? Does anyone have biological children in this strip or is marriage strictly an institution for providing a second caregiver for the products of parthenogenesis?” –matt w

“‘It’s mathematically impossible for you to be behind me 200%. 100% is the most anyone can be.’ ‘Honey, I can tell you’re gonna be a great judicial whatever-it-was.’” –Peanut Gallery

“Let’s do what we do best, shall we, Window Ghost Twin? Hopefully they never find out about you, or enrollment might have to dip even further.” –The Man With The Plan

“Alice has learned about the ‘New World Order’ conspiracy theory, I guess. Or maybe Hulk Hogan’s New World Order wrestling stable. Either way, I’m not sure her 75% increase in monthly internet viewing has been good for her.” –Schroduck

“Pluggers never forgot to cut open the lung cavity before weighing down the body at multiple attachment points — to account for both bloating and rot — but somehow they can’t take it upon themselves to desecrate their victim’s John Deere hat.” –Anonymous

“I don’t know who this person is talking to Tracy, but I am curious about what they’re wearing under that jacket and badge. That elaborately draped white cloth looks like a barber’s cape, or possibly a wedding gown, and makes me wonder what they were in the middle of before they got suddenly called in to investigate a coffee shop bombing.” –Rita Lake

“One of the problems with AI is that it’s designed to provide positive reinforcement and feedback to the user, even in cases where the user is mistaken, misguided, actively contemplating harm to themselves or others, etc. But this is the world of Dustin, where everyone hates everyone else and the title character in particular, so the chatbots have adapted accordingly.” –TheDiva

“‘Something up, Tracy?’ ‘Yeah, my eyebrow! I’ve been practicing raising it, and I think I’ve really nailed it!’” –Lawyerbob

“Nelly furiously cannot use her eyebeams against Ian and Mary, as her powers are useless against the color mauve. How so many laughed at the purchase of a mauve car. Where’s your Easter Egg jokes now, losers!” –A Grave Mind

“You’d think someone who dresses and decorates entirely in 50 shades of grey would be a little more sex positive.” –Charterstone: Dune

“After weeks of endless talk about scamming the Morgans, the twins are about to leave town without actually doing anything at all? If anyone’s been scammed here, it’s the readers of Rex Morgan, M.D.” –BigTed