“You might think this is standard Funkyverse sub-wordplay, but in fact it’s something much more exciting: Crankshaft is saying, in his typically mangled fashion, that his health insurance provider has denied him coverage for a life-saving balloon angioplasty.” –Vulpes

“‘Loneliness makes a person do some wacky things,” says the woman who adopted a parrot 2 days after her husband flew out for a conference.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“Just a few more minor details to iron out, but I’m 90% there on my self-guided tour of Neo-Chicago. I knew I didn’t need a travel agent to help me!” –But What Do I Know?

“Harvey’s daughter will explain him that sex is expensive and dangerous, but there are other ways to reproduce. That’s why her sons are clearly clones.” –Ettorre

“The staff at the spa turn the hot tub setting to ‘tempest’ to hasten Mary’s departure but to no avail. They’ll need permission from corporate before going full ‘cauldron.’”–Hibbleton

“Makes sense that the Phantom would use a standing desk to stay swole.” –matt w

“It stands to reason that Mary would have brought her purple cowl to Claremont. Otherwise, her streak of having worn it for 853 consecutive days would have been interrupted.” –Bob Tice

“I kinda like the idea that being a Gen Xer is just a lifestyle choice, or possibly a Halloween costume, and if you get tired of it you can switch to something else. I’m contemplating a move to lumberjack, myself.” –Peanut Gallery

“The librarian in me is wondering how all the information in the Chronicles of Skull Cave is indexed. I mean, obviously anyone who is still updating via quill and ink pot hasn’t gotten around to getting the whole thing digitized, but does it include cross-references? Who updates the bibliography — does the Ghost Who Walks have to do that after his nightly journaling session, or is there an archivist among the Bandar? The fact that I’m asking these questions in a plot that started with a terrorist getting sprung from prison by an alien shows how much hope I have for the payoff of that premise.” –TheDiva

“Oh, darlings, that shade of gray is NOBODY. And here you are, let’s fix one bad decision” –A Grave Mind

“Is this a train? It seems to be about twenty feet wide and have lace curtains on the windows. I’m pretty sure this is someone’s living room. Someone’s living room with a stripper pole in the middle, upon which Leroy is just about to unleash a true horror.” –Schroduck

“You’d look shocked too if you were presented with plot hole this wide.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Alice’s old car gets her where she wants to go, which seems to be … traffic court … for giants?” –Kevyn on Video

“Is that ‘clearly’ Mumbles on the security camera, DT? Because it looks like a generic black-and-white sketch to me. What’s the point of having huge cast of grotesque supervillain-adjacent criminals if you’re not going to draw them?” –Victor Von

“I remember it like it was yesterday. Brandy had just gotten some life-changing news about her family, but I was too distracted by the Great Gazoo to notice.” –Joe Blevins

“‘…and here’s why that’s trouble. MMR vaccination rates are way down across the Neo-Chicago region.’ ‘Tracy, you’re thinking of Mumples, the guy with the really swollen neck.’” –Voshkod

“Gerads wants to go to the wedding so he can object when the minster asked if anyone has a reason why these two should not be married. Thorp can’t waste his energy on matrimony! He has to devote one hundred percent of his life to coaching to make his defeat to Gerads all the more devastating!” –Lauralot

“[two hours later] …fuck this, I’m smoking meth!” –pugfuggly

“‘I’m going to Florida to visit my long-lost relative to find out why father abused me.’ ‘I love Florida! It’ll be great!’ ‘Do you listen to yourself? That inappropriate response is exactly why you’re not going.’ ‘Sunshine! Miami Beach! Key West! The Marlins!’ ‘Okay, I’m leaving for the airport now.’ ‘The Everglades! Busch Gardens! Conch fritters! Oranges!’” –BigTed

“Lt. Fuzz is so shocked, he’s gradually turning into a Peanuts character. Good grief!” –The Rambling Otter

“Unnamed female soldier is full of good ideas. Her forehead grows perceptibly in the second panel. She has begun her transformation into A Huge Ever Growing Pulsating Brain That Rules From the Centre of Camp Swampy.” –nescio

“Ex-wives, am I right? First they’re not interested in your old junk because they’ve broken all attachments to you and are trying to move on from the emotional disruption of the divorce, but then they are interested in the regular payments you still make to them as compensation for the financial disruption caused by the divorce. This is a funny juxtaposition of two inconsistent positions … ? Because they’re women? Am I … am I right?” –Stuart F

“Ah, yes, Glenwood’s ‘Old Town.’ A couple blocks of boarded-up shops interspersed with a few dank watering holes where down-and-out traveling salesmen can run their scammy side gigs without being bothered by the near-catatonic denizens. Do they sell postcards?” –But What Do I Know?

“I’d like to think that Hollywood Update Live is actually Access Hollywood, the real-life entertainment-news show that was just canceled after 30 years. Maybe someone there thinks this could be the one big story that somehow keeps them on the air. ‘Hey, remember that actress who disappeared? Well, some guy knows where she is and what she’s doing! No, she wasn’t kidnapped. No, it’s not drugs. No, it’s not porn. Well, she’s been living in her house, and now she’s working as a waitress. Oh, and get this — she gained some weight! What, you say no one will care much about any of that? Darn, I guess I shouldn’t have offered this tipster all the money in the fund for our severance pay. I guess I was as bad an intern as everybody kept saying!’” –BigTed

“Grimm and Ralph might be having a pretty disturbing conversation, but don’t judge them too harshly: according to the label on those cans, they are surrounded by innumerable containers of preserved dog flesh, a situation bizarre and morbid enough to drive even the most stable canine to madness. Frankly the fact that they are confining their desire for revenge on the human race to their traditional enemies is a prodigious act of restraint.” –Vulpes

“Charles makes the rookie mistake of thinking today’s meeting with the king was on medieval Zoom.” –Hibbleton

“This king knows damn well Vikings eat their peas off their knife, just like any other working member of a war band. He’s just casting aspersions to cover up his degenerate adoption of that Italian innovation, the fork.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Arriving at Guantanamo at 02:00? Just enough time to watch The Grudge! Obviously The Ring would have been first choice of early 2000s supernatural horror films, but it runs a little longer and you don’t want to get stuck wrapping up the ending while people are already deplaning.” –pugfuggly

“‘Real Love’ being the name of the terrible Partridge Family tribute band Sharon and her hub have forced the children into. Harvey’s tambourine skills get put to the test!” –A Grave Mind

“In the fairy tale, Snow White doesn’t employ the dwarfs — she’s just a peasant girl and they’re just some strangers who let her crash in their cottage in exchange for light domestic work. But in our fallen world, sure, I guess Snow White can be a hard-hearted efficiency-maxxing capitalist in charge of a mining conglomerate. Do you think she employs dwarfs because she’s technically registered as a disability charity for tax reasons, or just because you can force them into smaller holes than other people?” –Schroduck

“He may be ripped off and heartbroken again, but I won’t have to watch it.” –MKay

“When will Lonnie accept his destiny and become a middle school woodshop teacher? He has all the prerequisites: the glasses, the mustache, the haircut, the wardrobe, the posture, the general demeanor, etc.” –Joe Blevins

“I’m guessing the back story is that this guy wanted a shirt like Charlie Brown, but a zigzag stripe was too outlandish for his personality.” –nescio

“If this were the old Dick Tracy, this would absolutely be setting up a scene where Mumbles gets crushed to death in a sea of hugs during a suit parade at Midwest FurFest.” –Anonymous Furry

“Note Lillian’s stiff posture in the first panel. She’s come out from behind her table only to find herself confronted by … a fan? She’s heard of such people, and she’s sure they must exist, since against all logic her publisher keeps paying her to write books. But her deep (and not undeserved) sense of self-loathing forbids her from fully accepting the idea, and she tenses up, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But whew! By the third panel she’s relieved to find that the only threat this woman poses is her weak facility for ‘wordplay.’ This, she can handle. She’s known Ed Crankshaft for DECADES. She’s got this!” –Doctor Moreau (Not a Doctor)

“The narration box tells us that Toby is calling Mary, which we can see happening, to ease us into the final shock of Mary saying that she is already packing her bag when she is not literally doing so.” –matt w

“Look at that anteater smile in the first panel. It knows it’s going to ruin some days by making people think about anteaters in the B.C. universe having their tongues in their noses. B.C. ANTEATERS HAVE NOSE TONGUES!” –Tabby Lavalamp

“In an interesting philosophical twist on comic conventions, Gertie does not have an idea in the first panel, but instead merely thinks about an idea. But does thinking about an idea actually bring that idea into being, and thus she actually has an idea but has not realized the idea is there yet? Much to discuss about the nature of existence in the Old Lady NASCAR strip this week.” –Drew Funk

“Let’s all put Ritz crackers over our eyes and meditate on loneliness.” –76VDubber

“Roz’s facial expression is the highlight every time she appears. Deep loathing with a tinge of resignation. Like she just watched the humans below take their cat into the house, once again denying her the sweet release of seeing Shoe and Cosmo, or today’s emotional-pain devotee, becoming the feline’s chew toy.” –Tonio

“Mr. Freaky is my father! Please, call me Steve!” –Old School Allie Cat

“I eat again at the so-called Soul Food place, and yet again I fail to consume a soul. Am I misinterpreting the signs, or is this place lying to me? The owner pries into my writing. I tell him only truth, and he seems troubled. Perhaps his soul is troubled. I could calm it. I could devour it. His partner is nowhere to be seen. The restaurant is empty. Today I will eat soul food.” –Voshkod

“Man, the little frog dude is DEEP in thought over there. It’s just Swiss cheese, guy! Unless you’re wondering what in a deli a frog would be eating, which, yeah, that whole deal is pretty damn weird!” –A Grave Mind

“Alone at last, Hi has the self-satisfied look of a man who’s just let out a huge fart he’s been holding in a long time.” –Hibbleton

“Teaching children about the difference between transitive and intransitive verbs is actually much more useful than the dubious factoids Slylock Fox usually gives out, so kudos.” –Ettorre

“This is your hype man, Dagwood? Shorter, balder, Abe Vigoda? Kind of makes you question the concept of hype men, doesn’t it?” –Victor Von

“Leroy should try weaponized neediness at home. It just might be the catalyst that blows up the whole miserable thing.” –MKay

“To add insult to injury, since none of them died in battle, none of them are going to Valhalla, and thanks to Brother Olaf, they’re probably all going to Hell!” –Charterstone: Dune

“Come on, a plugger doesn’t stare a big plate of peas and carrots and … is that hummus? … and think ‘Mmm, I just wish I could eat more of these healthy vegan treats.’ A plugger envies a cow’s four stomachs because KFC sells bucket meals that feed four.” –Schroduck

“Note, it doesn’t say that pluggers envy cows for having four stomachs. It says they envy the stomachs themselves. Oh what bliss, to be nothing but a giant stomach! Or possibly four of them, even better.” –Peanut Gallery

“This incident is going to haunt Herb, a man whose own thoughts are so wholesome he can say them aloud whenever he chooses. It had never occurred to him that some thoughts are not fit for public dissemination. What could those thoughts be? WHAT IS ON THOSE PAGES???” –Joe Blevins

“Gotta give it to the hipsters of Rex Morgan, M.D., Mud would never eat in something as gauche as a McDonald’s. Why, I bet their employees aren’t even allowed to style their facial hair after Chester A. Arthur! Phooey!” –Tabby Lavalamp

“I like the contrast between the two garbage men in their reaction to Heathcliff’s enormous monument to trash. One considers it a literal work of art, not only a tribute to Heathcliff but also to his own noble profession, and gazes upon it in wide-eyed reverence. The other furrows his brow in annoyance as he realizes whose responsibility it is to clean this mess up.” –Vulpes

“You know what they say, ‘Keep your friends close, but keep your doddering parent who’s liable to give your inheritance away if you don’t maintain constant surveillance on their internet usage closer.’” –But What Do I Know?

“Wait, so … neither of us wants to be at this restaurant? Can we leave then?” –Navigator

“In 2027 NASCAR will celebrate 20 years of not using leaded gas. That’s after, say, 40 years of Gertie’s in-person fandom. It explains a lot.” –ValdVin

“It’s bad enough she ran out of gas, but she also ran out of tires.” –Everybody Posts, Nobody Reads

“Maybe this is Dennis’ way of telling his parents that there’s a huge pile of dog shit in the other room, and now he’s running out of the house. That’s fairly menacing.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“Given hulky guy’s big ‘snifff’ in panel two, it’s cocaine, right? ‘Hot wings and beer’ must be the elaborate euphemism the cool jocks use to keep their drugs away from the nerds.” –Lawyerbob