“Damn, this gun is too small to hurt a drone of that size! Luckily I can make it bigger through my superpower of forced perspective!” –Ettorre

“Lucky Eddie is able to pull off the dog simulation thanks to his arms and legs having a canine proportional length. The years of poor nutrition and physical abuse have finally paid off!” –Gil Bates

“Exactly what kind of spy mission does Hagar have in mind, where the success of the test-run is measured in how many excitable maidens can be attracted? Does the planned raid possibly involve his dick in some fashion?” –Maude R. Fawker

“I like the placement of that sign, which suggests that the public library is just a single bookcase in a corner of a building that seems to have a severe mold problem.” –pugfuggly

“Observe how drippy and gormless every Charterstone resident appears. The better to meddle with, of course.” –Lauralot

“This is a cry for help! Every other implement in the kitchen has been sold to pay for bacon! And large, ornate frames, apparently!” –A Grave Mind

“If that muscle car signified anything in the real world, Dr. Jeff’s ‘Do you have plans for tonight? I’d like to take my favorite girl out for dinner’ would be a request for Mary to babysit his two-year old while he escorts his twenty-five year old trophy wife to one of LA’s swankier bistros.” –But What Do I Know?

“This is the sort of joke that’s come into vogue semi-recently under the name of ‘dad jokes,’ which are designed to solicit groans rather than laughter. Still, people more or less enjoy them, and yet Mother Goose looks absolutely fucking miserable as she delivers hers. I assume that she just lost her life savings at this dog track, and is using humor in a futile attempt to hide her feelings as she waits for the loan shark’s enforcers to come cut off her thumbs.” –Vulpes

“I’ve never fully understood how zebra camouflage works. Their stripes break up their outline? If so, is that why The Phantom’s trunks are striped? Is that why drones have never shot The Phantom in the crotch? Inquiring minds want to know!” –Victor Von

“The baby is actually whispering, ‘You can’t break a one-syllable word onto the next line, dummy!’” –BigTed

“‘Whisper whisper?’ What, are they afraid we’ll be able to translate ‘ba ba ba’ and thus spoil the punchline?” –Pozzo

“In addition to the obvious animal rights concerns, carnival geeking is an affront to human dignity, but the Daddy Daze daddy doesn’t have any of that, so why not give it a whirl? I’m with the baby on this one.” –Blond Pardo

“I see the Bum Boat has redecorated and now appears to be a functional bomb shelter. In the event of nuclear war, Santa Royalites will be able to last out the fallout winter, living on baked seafood platters. Truly, the survivors will envy the dead.” –Schroduck

“Something about this is very ominous. Actually, a lot of things about this are ominous. I will focus on one detail: Jeff’s use of the entirely-too-casual slang term ‘nah.’ What are you, some kind of beatnik? Enjoy your seafood sampler platter, Jack Kerouac.” –Joe Blevins

“Mary furiously scribbling a note to herself: ‘Jeff showing signs of escaping containment, must increase dosage’” –Sean

“‘No, I don’t need a videotape on how to use a telephone.’ ‘Those salespeople are pests.’ ‘Non, you idiot, it was General Salan with the activation phrase. Opération Corse is a go. Tell the men to pack up, we’re headed for Corsica. Vive de Gaulle, and to hell with the Fourth Republic!’” –Voshkod

“We’ve all just barely accepted that the Lockhorns are millennials, but must we now face the even more chilling possibility that Leroy is good at his job? If these are the last six employees at the company and he’s one of them? Surely Mr. Squidfingers isn’t keeping him around for his personality.” –Navigator

“Usually, when someone processing a lifetime of trauma finally gets a chance to meet an estranged family member, it will be one step in a years-long journey. But not Brandy! She went away for a couple weeks and ‘got the answers she needed.” Now she’s ready to return to her established life and talk loudly about how good everything is. Truly, she is a perfect match for Tommy.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“If Dennis has been exposed to one lesson in life, it’s that Mr Wilson is not deserving of any respect from anyone, ever.” –MKay

“‘At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.’ Well, it says nothing about no strings sex!” –Ettorre

“As a chronically anxious person, I understand all too well that the mind will often go to incredible lengths to find something to worry about, justified or not. So what was Martha agonizing over before George’s low-effort remark prompted this prodigious display of sarcasm? They’re pretty old, so probably the fear of death, right? Martha is worried that after their rapidly-approaching demise there’s nothing, nonexistence, oblivion, and that thought absolutely terrifies her. No wonder George’s advice didn’t help! George, of course, has no fear of death, because he figures anything is preferable to that fucking Mitchell kid.” –Vulpes

“A quick Google reveals that Deepwater Horizon blew only 4 months after Dustin started as a comic strip. Coincidence? Probably, yeah.” –Comically Challenged

“Well, the workout didn’t give Crankshaft a heart attack, so hopefully the pizza will.” –nescio

“Dustin is such a huge fan of Mark Wahlberg (a real Wicked Pissah Wahlhead, as they call themselves) that he’s watched the entire Wahlberg filmography, even 2016’s Deepwater Horizon — an action movie with no memorable moments, that somehow cost $156 million to make and I think I might be the only person who saw it in a theater. Naturally, he’s memorized all Wahlberg’s classic lines of dialogue like. ‘The Deepwatah Horizon oil spill dumped 150 million fuckin’ gallons of oil into the fuckin’ ocean’ and he’ll bust them out any chance he gets.” –Schroduck

“This is the most disturbing facial expression ever used on Crankshaft. Horny for pizza.” –Rusty

“The wife tells her husband that they need to clean out their hoard for the sale so it looks like no one lives there. Lois corrects her: ‘No. Not no one! Just you two. I already hate you and we only just met.’” –Hibbleton

“I mean, come on. You have a picture hanging at an almost 45 degree angle. There’s ‘lived in’ and then there’s ‘given up on life.’” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Staging a house for sale is not ‘getting rid of all the junk so it looks like no one lives here.’ It’s just the opposite! It means filling the house with new, more elegant, minimalist junk — so potential buyers can imagine themselves living there, except as more tasteful and discerning people who know exactly how to fan three travel magazines over the coffee table so they look perfect. Real-estate agent Lois must understand this — in fact, she’s applied the same principle to her own family’s cavernous home, to the point where there are entire rooms where there’s clearly nothing comfortable to sit in.” –BigTed

“It’s incredible how this strip manages to take any interesting story subject and find the most boring direction to take it in. A couple of teenaged twin scammers with a desire for revenge? What if, instead of watching them pull scams, we spent weeks with the brainstorming scams ideas, and rejecting them all for practical reasons? Maybe we could also put them in a blue void, just to make sure that there’s nothing interesting going on in the background.” –pugfuggly

“Who barges into choir practice and screams that the choir director has to leave without any explanation? Crankshaft, I know the answer is Crankshaft; it’s rhetorical. It’s outrageous behavior, though, and there’d better be a magical fire that only Harry’s piss can extinguish; that’s all I’m saying.” –Victor Von

“Hang on. You have these precise, extremely uniform bobs, the exact same shade of Tang. Matching tops and matching manicures — but squatting is too much of a commitment?” –Old School Allie Cat

“Yes, Ed. Everyone already knows about the ‘Dogs Playing Poker’ picture.” –Liam

“I have never seen Mother Goose so happy and good for her. Get that crossword, girl!” –matt w

“Technically, Grimm, it’s Lake Champlain, at least in March 1998 when Senate Bill 927 was signed by Bill Clinton before an uproar resulted in an amendment to the bill. Oh, jokes are funny but the fat-cats in Washington diluting our Great Lakes to provide lake research money to their state cronies isn’t? Oh, sorry, Attila, I should have realized that fat-cat is a bit of an insult to you.” –Voshkod

“But they’re in front of him. The flames. They’re in front of him. He’s looking at them. He’s looking at the flames that are in front of him. Look, I’m not asking for Paul Greengrass-style realism from Daddy Daze of all things, I know better than that, but if the guy a) can see well enough to drive, b) is able to parse that his pre-verbal child is making some kind of reference to fire, and c) has, like, nerves, he can absolutely detect a fire that is four inches and a thin pane of glass away from him.” –els

“Everything indicates that Angus is under one year old, meaning he should be in a rear-facing seat. Granted, this would impede the setup of today’s joke, but honestly the joke isn’t doing much to justify the effort.” –TheDiva

“Pinocchio holds his own control bars aloft and finally earns his therapist’s approval despite the obvious fact that the physics of the whole situation — just like the original ‘lifting oneself by one’s bootstraps’ — are quite impossible. He is no Aristotelian unmoved mover. Pinocchio knows this; he has grimly resigned himself to a performative dance of supposed self-determination to avoid the smug nagging of those around him.” –hurricanenate

“Snuffy is indeed dreaming if he thinks he can outrun any those animals.” –But What Do I Know?

“‘I want to name our ice cream parlor Buster’s after Buster Douglas!’ ‘Oh yeah? Well, I want to name our ice cream parlor Brewster’s after Brewster’s Millions.’ ‘If only there were a compromise that would dissatisfy both of us!’” –Joe Blevins

“Sure, Snuffy can afford specialized packaged snack foods like animal crackers, when his family can barely get up the scratch to buy oil and dredging flour for Loweezy to fry up the chickens he steals. Why not say he’s eating caviar with crème fraîche on toast points, while you’re at it? Sheesh!” –BigTed

“I can’t believe you, Tommy. You’re supposed to be a Froyo Guy! If you got peer pressured into returning to ice cream this easily, your sobriety can’t last long.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“Dawn and Wilbur and Tommy are so happy! It hurts my very soul.” –matt w

“None of these people know how to eat an ice cream cone, do they? Wilbur is rubbing the ice cream over his chin, Tommy is going in for the slightly-open-mouth kiss, and Dawn has blanked out and doesn’t even remember what she’s holding.” –Basil Wishbone

“A summer porch isn’t a porch until you’re holding a lemonade! Before that it’s a deck, at best. I don’t know what you have to drink to make it a veranda.” –Mr. A

“This would normally be a lead-up to the infamous Shoe Google Eyes of Horror, but Roz doesn’t flinch at all. The Perfesser dying alone would be the least shocking thing to happen in this strip.” –pugfuggly

“Number one reason workers strike gas lines: distraction. Blowing up the neighborhood would be Dennis’s crowning menace.” –MKay

“Secondly, ‘kidnapping’ would count as something happening, and that’s not allowed in this strip. You might want to try over at Judge Parker; those people get abducted at the drop of a hat.” –TheDiva

“Why is Wilbur talking in that stilted, early-reader prose? ‘It is too small to fit much food.’ Is he trying to explain to an unseen audience of preschoolers what small is? ‘The pan is small. It is not big. Not much food can fit in it. This pan is smaller than my stomach.’” –Chance

“I can’t help feeling that this is the puppet equivalent of masturbation, which makes it rather disturbing that this is all happening on the psychiatrist’s couch as he watches approvingly.” –Schroduck

“Perhaps it’s that triglyceride-laden sandwich you just consumed — made of Gruyere cheese, ham, bechamel sauce and white bread — that’s causing you such discomfort, sir. Why, you might croque, Monsieur!” –Bob Tice

“I’m honestly shocked that Gertie is pondering which consumer grade gasoline to douse herself in for date night. You can buy 98 octane Sunoco Green E15, the official fuel of NASCAR, at over 150 specialty fuel distributors nationwide. There’s no excuse for this, Gertie!” –Beaston

“Calm down there, Uncle Jimmy. You’re constantly being thwarted by the cast of Rex Morgan, M.D., for crying out loud. When you get out, you should be begging for a job at the vintage blow mold figure emporium instead of planning the next crime you will fumble hilariously.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“At last this story can move on to the main plot: What Brandy’s going to do for money now that Freda’s replaced her with a self-checkout after her three-month absence.” –Charterstone: Dune

“Gertie looks genuinely excited in the first panel about going out to dinner with her husband! I’d like to say this is a sign that she really does love him despite constantly denying him any respite from her NASCAR monomania, but it’s more likely that after extensive negotiations she consented to going to a NASCAR-themed restaurant such as Lancaster’s BBQ in Mooresville, North Carolina, where she can sit in the #3 Dale Earnhardt Bus while he stares into the middle distance and slowly dies inside.” –Vulpes

“‘I have pockets??’ ‘You do now.’ ‘You are a mighty wizard!’” –Voshkod

“Merlin, I know it’s not polite to ask, but how is your nose the only part of your face not covered in hair? It goes all the way up to your eyelashes! Are you shaving your nose every morning?” –Lauralot

“What’s that you say? I just have to sign and the company can legally push Lockhorn down an elevator shaft? Of course I’ll sign, I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time, not sure why you had to stand on a stool to tell me that. Where do I initial to get my office walls back?” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“I know it’s not polite to ask …. but I’m not polite! I casually violate social conventions all the time, and everyone knows it! Sometimes I murder people just to grab their valuables! I’m a goddamn viking! Anyway, do you have much cash on hand?” –Rita Lake