“It’s been obvious for a while that these two aren’t humans exactly, but today provides a little more insight into their biology. So far we can describe them as small oviparous homonids lacking teeth, probably an adaptation to the rocky crags where they evolved, preying in seabird nests.” –pugfuggly

“Round up the kids in detention, we’re taking them to The Museum of Art Puns to suffer.” –nescio

“We are such social animals that anyone deprived of human companionship will slowly go insane, even if the human whose companionship they’re deprived of is Ian Cameron.” –matt w

“Hang him from where, troops? HANG HIM FROM WHERE?” –Tabby Lavalamp

“I had believed until last week that Greg was the guy at the DMV who told you that you were missing a piece of documentation after you stood in line for an hour and that you had to go get it and stand in the line again. But then we learned he’s the guy who tells teenagers they can’t have their licenses because they bumped the curb parking. Why does he even NEED coffee for a day filled with such joy?” –richardf8

“‘The kid is onto me,’ thinks Greg. ‘I just pray he never finds out whose boot it was.’” –Peanut Gallery

“Hootin’ Holler still uses snow and ice to preserve food, as electricity is rare and service is spotty. Lil Sparky just ate a family’s entire vitamin supply for a week, and they will now suffer even worse malnutrition than the average Holler resident.” –Philip

“I’m always fascinated by the crystal ball Shoe strips. All of the characters are bitter cynics, so why do they keep going to crack wise at the local fortune teller? Is this what people resorted to in the days before social media let you mock WitchTok from the comfort of your own couch?” –Schroduck

“Thirsty yearns for the olden times that he’s never experienced but has heard about, when beer was considered ‘liquid bread,’ a way to quickly, easily, and safely hydrate and obtain necessary calories at the same time. This is not comical, this is a tragic tale of a man born three hundred years too late.” –Tom

“What’s that you say? You have ‘evidence’ before you secure an indictment? You say you wait for indictments before executing rough street justice? You say your suspects are not grotesquely deformed, with too on-the-nose names? My, my, my. To each their own, I suppose. [Caressing pistol trigger lovingly] I sure hope he turns out to be a clown, though.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Which is a euphemism for what really happens. They fuck. Each other. Constantly and interchangeably. This is Hollywood, kid. You’re too young to understand this now, but it won’t be long before curiosity leads you to flip through the supermarket pages of People and the National Enquirer and all will be revealed.” –cheech wizard

“Those corks indicate each of these wines have been opened. Is ‘Clea-ar-ance’ located in the BacqueWash region of Frawnce?” –Virginia

“His doctor has long given up on him. His wife is checking his life insurance policy. He knows his diet is killing him, but he cannot stop. ‘Next time,’ he promises himself, but ‘next time’ will never come. His fate is sealed as the future body at an open casket funeral where a dog man asks his wife ‘who is this for again?’ and the caption is ‘You’re a plugger if you’ve been to so many funerals, you’ve lost track.’” –Old Man Shadow

“The guy totally in shadow with the mysterious, ominous axiom — he’s death, right? The only reason Herb is smiling is that he’s come for Jamaal.” –Lawyerbob

“Oh, right, my bucket list included seeing a sunset. Welp, there it is. Time to die.” –Voshkod

“Kudos to Lou for being thematically consistent by mounting the TV where it can be seen by him alone, and not the customers at the counter. He doesn’t respect his clientele’s taste buds or gastrointestinal needs, so why should he care if they’re entertained? Let them watch him watching TV while his terrible food burns!” –Chance

“If you ‘BOOM!’ like a thunder machine when someone tackles you in football, talk to your doctor to see if ‘the emergency room’ is right for you! –Victor Von

“There are tight ponytails and then there are hairstyles that qualify as abuse of one’s own hair and scalp.” –Joe Blevins

“‘This is exciting!’ Finding typos, she means. That’s the most thrill she’ll have from the book. And from Augie in general.” –Ettorre

“As Olive communicates telepathically with animals, can Toby talk with comestibles? I’m sure that Mary’s muffins have some tales to tell.” –Gil Bates

“The important thing is that by calling it a ranch, we pay the agricultural property tax rate, which is much lower than the residential rate.” –Ken

“I must say that after weeks of Mary Worth’s ‘unsettlingly mature children will lead us into a brighter future,’ I’m refreshed and renewed by the Judge Parker approach of ‘unsettingly mature children are very annoying and can find their own way home if they know so damn much about how to properly exploit landholdings.’” –Navigator

“THEY BROUGHT THE LUGGAGE CART WITH THEM to his home where he’s prepared for his sensual experience by putting a wooden chair next to a table that has a solitary glass of wine.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Archie had two jobs in this strip: look worried because his parents are arguing, and smile at the tension-relieving punchline. Let’s see how he did, shall we?” –Dan

“So this thriller features a single mom on the dating scene, and multiple publishers are fighting to publish it. It has sex scenes, right? Obviously, it has sex scenes. Augie chastely kisses Summer good night and then makes excuses to go home and write fantasies about her doppelgänger. I can’t wait for Summer’s reaction.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“I mean, it could be a character inspired by Summer, or it could be just the fact that her personal situation is not all that unique? I’m not throwing any shade on her, I’m just saying it’s probably a very dull book.” –pugfuggly

“Augie [during the inevitable confrontation]: ‘Well the deal is that I have to change just enough details not to pay you and…’” –2+2=7

“The most accurate detail here is that we can’t actually see any apartments on the canal side, or really any buildings at all. In Hartlepool, a single run-down boathouse still no doubt reeking of bunker oil and fish guts counts as an entire luxury housing district.” –Schroduck

“I think Gertie is just showing off that she can hoist a book aloft when it’s longer than her torso.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Even if Toby is too dumb to think the bird will have trouble getting the seeds from the bag (everybody calls her ‘bird-brain’, yet she can, so of course birdie will too!), she ought to dump out the seeds in order to, y’know, not litter with the bag. She apparently failed those kindergarten lessons, folks!” –CanuckDownSouth

“Moy must have gotten letters from her loyal reader complaining that the balloon scene was too tense, so decided to tone it down to ‘50 mg of valium’ levels. Next week: Toby stands up.” –Ken

“Dennis sets up a Jamba Juice in his family’s living room. Menace level: negligible, unless this is the first step in gentrifying their home.” –TheDiva

“There’s something odd about the art in this strip — the weird blackened spotlight background, the couch that suddenly changes — which makes me wonder is this is a dream or something. I think it’s probably Jeff’s dream, seeing as (a) Ed is being nice to him and (b) it’s the kind of dull, clunky interaction that could only come from such a boring mind.” –pugfuggly

“You know how the mark of a good Thai restaurant is that it has a lot of customers who are actually Thai? Well, this restaurant has… no other customers at all. Which is either a sign of a bad restaurant, or that boring oldsters Augie and Summer like to eat dinner at 4 p.m.” –BigTed

“Rex Morgan characters were never meant to express positive emotion through smiles this much. It’s unnatural. Let’s get back to placid, mildly irritated frowns ASAP.” –ectojazzmage

The ‘& family’ after ‘Marvin’ is very threatening! You think this horrible baby is an abomination, a freak accident? Wrong! He comes from a line of horrible people, their genes are everywhere, humanity is already polluted!” –Ettorre”

“Montoni’s and a shit bookstore are the only two semi-profitable businesses in this God-forsaken town, so it makes sense to have a Pizza Monster. There’s probably a Book Ghost, but that only comes around Christmas to do a Christmas Carol homage, by which I mean rip-off with hack puns that lasts two weeks.’” –Buck Ripsnort

“Women be supporting.” –JeffMcm

“In an ironic twist, Dr Jeff can’t recognize Mary’s cognitive decline due to mercury poisoning due to his own cognitive decline due to mercury poisoning.” –Hibbleton

“Well this is a big deal about nothing. Hootin’ Holler’s population has about a dozen teeth between all its residents. Dentist Hyde can go back to the darkest corridors of Doctor Pritchart’s sick mind.” –KMD

“Does Dennis mean ‘Want some, dad?‘ Or does he mean ‘Want some dad?’ Note that we can’t see most of Henry’s body. Who knows which parts of him went into that suspiciously minced meat-looking smoothie? Halloween week is off to a good start.” –Schroduck

“Look at Kudlick’s dead stare. Wait a minute! This abyss! IT GAZES ALSO!” –A Grave Mind

“Dustin’s dad, dude, the dream is dead. Maybe you had a sparkling personality in your youth, but nobody who can communicate with you as you are now would dream of having sex with you, not even your wife who, being Dustin’s mom, is no catch herself. I’m pretty sure you getting an AI girlfriend will be what brings about SkyNet trying to end humanity. Keep an eye out for a man named John Connor, he will be there to end you before it happens.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Good thing there’s not a very popular movie adaptation of a musical derived from The Wizard of Oz that released last year and just started its big marketing push for its second part. Otherwise today’s Marvin would look pretty silly.” –Justin Lacy, on BlueSky

“I want more for Marvin’s mom. I really do. Not only does she for some reason have to theme her terrible child’s costume around their dog’s — and that’s bad enough, I am genuinely baffled by this decision — but to get a two-question-mark response to the idea that said theme is from one of the most famous movies ever made? To have to look at a face that’s apparently enraged by the idea? Look, Marvin’s dad, two things: one, I do not and will not remember your name, and two, it’s not like she suggested that the costumes be from, like, Gunga Din, take it down about seven notches and buy some fuckin’ silver facepaint before your wife drops your terrible child on your lap and peaces out for good.” –els

“Sorry, vampires were also invented before Marvin was born. Actually, I think 90% of Halloween costumes reference things created before Marvin was born. Marvin will simply have to go dressed as the 6 7 meme.” –Xine Fury

“It’s hilarious that the Shoe team clearly wanted to do a Macbeth Halloween joke, couldn’t think of one, and pivoted to ‘what’s the other play with the skull?’” –Victor Von

“Love to imagine someone checking in on Mary Worth for the first time in a year or two. ‘Okay, let’s see what wacky and awful hijinks Wilbur has be–‘ [squints, frowns]” –Dan

“God, this is awful. Daddy Keane in a defensive crouch behind a tree, the candy lady looking out suspiciously yet contemptuously, the children oblivious, Barfy just happy to waddle along no matter what may come. It’s so awkward when you end your affair with the neighbor!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“The buckle on Dolly’s witch hat speaks volumes. She’s not your typical witch, she’s a Pilgrim witch. Very clever, very original, she’s been excommunicated from the village and will die of exposure in the Northeastern winter, very tragic.” –Austria