“I don’t get why this particular homunculus model deteriorates so quickly. We’ve only gone through like three or four Dollys and Billys apiece since the 60s, but this’ll be like the 17th Jeffy we’ve had to replace. Ah well, get the amino acids in the vat, I’ll start making a wax mold.” –Dan

“Humans make better clowns than animals because of our relatively hairless epidermis. Did you ever try to smear Clown White all over a furry snout? The results aren’t remotely laughable.” –Old Man Muffaroo

“Yeah, I had to walk to the trucks and carry the helium tanks and balloon boxes all the way to balloon station by myself, and that’s a long way to… wait, why are you arresting me? I didn’t say I blew them up by blowing into them myself! Look, there’s clearly someone hiding in the ticket booth! Ask him where the money went– Augh! Stop clubbing me, foxman! I’m not resisting arrest, I’m just sayi– Aauugh! Aaaauuugh! AAAUUUGGGHHH!” –jroggs

“Wow, it’s as if someone dared Rex Morgan, M.D. to introduce a character even more unlikeable than the main cast.” –Banana Jr. 6000

“Rex Morgan, M.D. is meditative these days. Yes, we can cure the illness of the individual body, but what is society if not the collective body? Fake news are memes, which reproduces just like viruses and genes — this is the origin of the term. Who will cure the social contagion? Who will save this sick organism?” –Ettorre

“Pepsi paid a lot of money to get Coke mentioned in this comic.” –The Dimensional Otter

“How many strips would be improved by having the title character gunned down on Monday? I call dibs on Luann.” –Rusty

“Shot through the heart/ And you’re to blame/ Bet this villain has/ An odd name” –JJ48

“You Americans and your 18-inch-wide diner tables! It’s a good thing you are on a diet, Dawn, there is no room to put any food for you here! Are you enjoying your 3-ounce Coca-Cola?” –Peanut Gallery

“The camera in panel one doesn’t appear to be point in Cliff’s direction. Did she see something more interesting? Given this is Funky Winkerbean, the odds are pretty good that the answer is ‘yes.’” –Pozzo

“You really missed the opportunity to say ‘sexercise‘? I’ve been waiting years for the chance to drop that ‘naturally’ into a conversation and it never comes up, and here you are, just flippantly ignoring the chance to be corny and vaguely pathetic. How dare you sir. What is the point of this blog if not that?” –toxic

“Isn’t Curtis like 12 or something? Shouldn’t he be communicating exclusively with emojis and Korean TikTok videos?” –pugfuggly

“Wardrobe, liquor, steaks, cigars … this would be a very expensive chimp to keep. Better to keep him naked and on a strict diet of generic Monkey Chow, no? Or make the little bastard get a job.” –Ukulele Ike

“I was going to go on a tirade about how chimps are vicious and have been known to forget their training and attack their owners once they reach puberty, but also how I was looking forward to the eventually mauling. But if that had happened, Cliff would obviously be disfigured in the present day. So I guess the chimp is just going to die of cancer. C’est la vie.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“At least Jeffy’s body is really good at something — is what he’ll tell sports coaches, doctors and girlfriends when it turns out to be bad at far more important things.” –BigTed

“Damn, look at the care put into that artwork in Mark Trail. J.J.’s eyes, slightly rolling back in the sockets. His hand, just a moment before holding the gun, already relaxing as his body drops. His head, snapping back just so while his feet rise into the air. The only other time you see Mark Trail artwork with closely-observed detail like this is in the depictions of flora and fauna. But isn’t that what this is, after all? A weaker animal tried to make a dominance display, and the stronger animal had to demonstrate who’s really in charge.” –Thelonious_Nick

“Chekhov said, ‘If a gun hits the floor in the last panel on Thursday, you must have it picked up by one of the good guys on Friday, and then never mention it again.’ Did I remember that right?” –matt w

“You have to give Saline Galapagos credit: she’s committed to to her branding to the point of having palmistry and chakra posters up in her office even though she only treats clients over the phone.” –TheDiva

“‘I said, I don’t know, and then he pulled the trigger. Thank goodness it was just a prop gun! Zanzibar looked at the gun with a baffled expression for a second; then he threw it down and ran for the front door. I immediately gave chase. I couldn’t let him get away, for I had so many questions: Was he involved in Valerie Pond’s death? What did he mean by father? HOW THE HECK COULD HE EVEN TALK?! He made it out the front door, but I was hot on his heels. At the far edge of the lawn, he started to climb up a palm tree, but I was able to grab him by the leg, keeping him from climbing up more than six feet or so. He tried and he tried to shake me off, and I was using all my strength to try to pull him back down. No matter how much he struggled, I kept pulling his leg and pulling his leg… Just like I’m pulling yours now.’ –Excerpt from the documentary Why Documentary Makers Hate Cliff Anger” –Guy Lumbago

“Presumptuous of her to tell JJ he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. He had to spend a bunch of time with the inhumanly dull Mark Trail, who left him for dead in a flood. There is nothing JJ wants more than to pull that trigger.” –Conynaut

“‘William Bellows Inkpot‘ may be the sorriest attempt at a funny name I’ve ever seen in the newspaper comic strip Funky Winkerbean.” –Rosstifer

“Well, judging from Dagwood’s ‘eat anything that can’t outrun me’ diet, his teeth are either made of an indestructible titanium alloy or they’re a graveyard of rotting stumps.” –Pozzo

“Say what you want about Mary Worth, but ‘Dawn shops at H&M‘ is as solidly believable a piece of characterization as any I’ve seen on the comics page.” –Dan

“Alternate caption: ‘You know you’re a senior plugger when you find out that the crossword puzzle you’ve been struggling with for three days is actually a Sudoku.’” –Guy Lumbago

“I was trying to figure out which military occupational specialty ‘envelope licker‘ falls under. Signal Corps seemed most obvious, maybe 25U Signal Support Systems Specialist. But if the envelopes are intended for the public, probably 46Q Public Affairs Specialist. But then I realized the horror of it all, Pvt. Zero’s disgusting saliva slathered over envelopes intended for enemy combatants, and it was clear – 74D Chemical, Biological, Radiological and Nuclear (CBRN) Specialist. Godspeed, Pvt. Zero and your horrific mouth flora. Godspeed.” –Voshkod

“There are days when this strip veers dangerously close to looking like the junior version of The Lockhorns, and you know what? I love it.” –pugfuggly

“‘Theft with a gun and insulting the Small Business Administration … those are crimes against God and man, JJ! Perhaps you’re not aware of that, living in the desert as you do.’ ‘How is insulting the SBA a crime?” ‘Obviously you’ve never read Leviticus. It’s my favorite.’ ‘How about leaving me to die after the flood?!’ ‘Leviticus.’” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Ah, Google Translate, the language of love!” –TheDiva

“Calling Butter Brinkel simply by less than his full name is a little off brand.” –Foodar

“And, hey, ladies, I have a possible title for your documentary: A Brinkel in Crime. You can use that! Just give me credit. Anyway, here’s another anecdote about me and Dashiell Hammett…” –Joe Blevins

“Somebody’s looking to make a fortune on a series of stories about a dystopian future — but somehow I think The Cow Sayer (Parts 1, 2 and 3) is no Hunger Games.” –BigTed

“Let’s all spare a thought for the Disney/Marvel marketing manager who had to sell her bosses on the idea of spending money on a product placement in Hi and Lois and then had to turn around and explain to the interns what a newspaper comic is.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“Henrietta Beak (not shown) is busy taking her company-paid holiday to celebrate the birth of our nation, like a true plugger patriot. Meanwhile, these lazy, self-entitled dog-men think they’re getting participation trophies for showing up when the job site is closed.” –Carsick Yankee

“‘I only wish my husband would not eat himself to the grave‘ is probably the most affectionate thing Martha has ever said in sixty years.” –Ettore

“Pluggers save their vacation for special occasions, like the opening of a new Golden Coral buffet and attending funerals of fellow pluggers.” –ZeroWolf

“What I find most interesting about this strip is that Alice attempts a punchline with ‘I think that’s why they call it working out.’ But it is so unfunny that Mrs. Wilson decides to just keep talking and pretend it didn’t happen. In the last panel, Dennis schools his mom by demonstrating that a quality Dennis the Menace punchline needs to be both a strained pun and a cheap shot at Mr. Wilson.” –Jenna

“Best part of Slylock Fox is the rage on Chief Mutt’s face as Wanda lies to him, and the downcast expressions of Slylock and Max, as they realize that yet again they will be called on to perjure themselves in the police brutality investigation.” –Rube

“I think the humans take it in turns to commit petty crimes like this so the Glorious Animal Regime’s top enforcer will spend all his time focusing on them and ignore the real work of the Resistance. Next week is Slick Smitty’s turn, and he’s got an ‘Authentic Antarctic Polar Bear Fur’ scam all lined up.” –TheDiva

“Yes, these hot dogs sure are a quintessential part of summer. Now let’s go to family court and try to win back custody of Trixie.” –Joe Blevins

“Ha, I like how Mary looks directly to the reader in that last panel. ‘I love filling for him while he’s away, just like you, my audience, loves it too. It’s so much nicer when we can just dispense with the plot and get straight to the raw, uncut advice, isn’t it?’” –pugfuggly

“I defected from the NBA. But it seems the Party’s tentacles reach even into Virginia. Now we need your help to throw them off my trail. We figure you’re the last person they’d associate with professional sports.” –Peanut Gallery

“I’m disappointed that the camera in Mary Worth is just going to linger on Charterstone and not on the drama in Mozambique, as the long-simmering civil war between RENAMO and FRELIMO finally comes to an end as the two sides unite in their hatred of Wilbur.” –Voshkod

“Sam just can’t wait to unload that kid. ‘Here, go play with…’ Abby gives him the evil eye and a quick shake of her head. ‘Sophie! Yeah, Sophie. She’s got to be around somewhere.’” –Col. Havoc

“Randy, no! Look, why don’t you take out your resentments by going back to work and throwing the book at a bunch of people for minor offenses? Lock them up for 10-20 years for shoplifting or whatever. Make them suffer like your dad is. Vicarious revenge can be a wonderful tonic.” –cheech wizard

“Today’s Judge Parker presents a real… SOPHIE’S CHOICE. Oh and I think her WASP dad is dying or got fired? IDK” –Irrischano

“Now, a clever bad guy would have let the three of them dig all the gold out of the mine, and then show up with the gun. Now he has to shoot them all and then do all that work. Gold is heavy.” –Ukulele Ike

“Sure, we all know that Pluggers, Slylock Fox, and probably Shoe are set after the Great Disaster from Kamandi: Last Boy on Earth, but for my money not enough is made of the fact Beetle Bailey is about a supposed US Army regiment that has zero contact with the greater military organisation, is never actually deployed anywhere, has a surprisingly small contingent with an oddly flattened rank structure (a general, a major, two lieutenants, two sergeants, one corporal, eight privates, and a handful of civilian staff), and is clearly home to one of Count Weirdly’s early experiments in ripping off Dr Moreau. The reason I bring this up today is because I notice Sarge’s flag only has five stripes, presumably symbolising the five regions of America (probably not actually entire states) which have not been conquered by the beastmen. Actually, Camp Swampy hasn’t heard from any of the others in a while, but you have to hope for the best, right?” –Horace Broon

Getting hit on the head with a greasy spatula on a regular basis might explain why his hair has always had that luxurious sheen.” –Where’s Rocky

“I’m pretty sure Gil not asking for details has less to do with his penis, and more to do with him not giving a shit.” –Rosstifer