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Your top comment: It’s here!

“Rusty is developing faster than Mark and Cherry realize. That is not the dewlap of a child, is what I’m saying.” –AhClem

Your hilarious runners up: also here!

“One detail Slylock will not include in his report was his inability to keep pace with a tree.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“The tree’s inevitable groans of ‘kill me’ will also fail to keep it well camouflaged.” –tb4000

“Blondie had sent the children to her mother’s house. She had fled, leaving behind the obligatory sacrifice for the unfillable void of which Dagwood was but the incarnation. She had taken every precaution, but once again, her post-Super Bowl plans would involve hiding the gruesome remains of a human being.” –Dread

“I guess the best thing to be said about that Pajama Diaries strip is that it wasn’t three separate Pluggers strips.” –Anonymous

“Newspapers get their ‘police blotters’ from the official records of the local police department. This means that any story in the paper is at least several hours behind the department’s record. The police department’s record is, of course, normally available to its employees. I can only assume that Dick is required to wait until the stories are in the newspaper in the vain hope of the city’s liability attorneys that this will give the suspects enough time to turn themselves in before the next inevitable police brutality lawsuit.” –Where’s Rocky?

“Tip for working at home: You wouldn’t develop ‘house bladder‘ if you didn’t keep sipping from that glass of ‘house vodka.’” –BigTed

“Why should he be invading my dreams?! There is no oil there!” –Ettore

“By which I mean, I will collect the copay in advance, so keep $75 in your wallet at all times.” –Foodar

“Making a wine reduction seems like an awfully complicated step for a couple who decide to outfit their enormous kitchen with a mere 2-burner stove. Maybe she’s drinking straight from the bottle because they don’t actually own any glasses?” –Dmsilev

“This strip has hit peak Funkyverse. It has everything; truly terrible wordplay that would absolutely not be appropriate even if it did make sense, the fucking smirk, and the looming spectre of death.” –Rosstifer

“Everyone knows puberty only happens if you talk about it.” –FeralCanadian

“Some other guys on the team did it! They abducted the other team’s mascot, thought it would throw them off their game during the playdowns. But we … but they didn’t know how little air there is in a car trunk. I … they remember … opening the trunk and realizing … oh god … what we … what they’d done. They … weighted it down with bricks and threw it in the quarry. It took forever for the body to sink, it was just bobbing in the moonlight like an accusing ghost. One of us … them … I had to go down and poke it with a stick until it sank. It was such a clear night, and the moon was so bright, I could see it all the way to the bottom … and I’m not sure … we weren’t sure … I mean they weren’t sure … it was dead even then. Oh, you said induct. Yeah, that’s great. Just don’t let there be any mascots at the ceremony.” –Voshkod

“Ah! Denial quickly followed by blaming someone else. Is that truly the Scapegoats’ way?” –tallyHO

“That is totally unbelievable. A real ham radio guy would just sit there and talk about ham radio.” –Mumblix_Grumph

“Toby is going to talk with Ian and find out how stupid the whole incident was, and then somehow think even less of Ian than she does now.” –JJ48

“Jannie, this is no time to stop doing what you do best. I want you to tear into Michael with every bit of savageness you can muster. ‘Girlfriend?! Ha! What kind of pathetic, no-self-esteem bimbo would agree to be seen with you?! By the way, you shouldn’t play pocket pool! I hear the referee’s a prick!’ And then walk away, all cool and dignified.” –Joe Blevins

“It appears that Jannie has stumbled across the casting tryouts for the spring campus production of Rebel Without A College Diploma.” –Just John

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Ghosts Are Assholes: James Kirst is a new author with a new novel entitled Ghosts Are Assholes, a different kind of ghost story, that he thinks you’ll love so why not read a free preview to see if you agree. Learn more about it on his site and while you’re there, why not check out one of his short stories too?

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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It’s that time of month again: the time when I let you know that the Internet Read Aloud, my live comedy show about the Internet, is happening tonight! Do not, miss it, if you are in Los Angeles!

Here’s the Facebook event!

And here’s the comment of the week!

“Funky is using a classic BDSM technique. They’ve been feeding us a steady stream of smirks until the pain they instill turns into arousal. Then the moment that a smirk would be appropriate to satisfy us they withhold it until we beg for release.” –Sisserphus, on Twitter

Wondering where the hilarious runners up are? They’re right here, my friends.

“Marriages are like sharks. Dull eyed, ever plodding forward — until your eyes roll back and you lash out violently.” –Foodar

“There’s so much that makes this the best Mary Worth arc since Entertainer Esme, but my favorite has to be how we spent a week on ‘Don’t let that first easy assignment fool you, Professor Cameron is really tough!’ only to find Ian frowning morosely and agonizing ‘How can I fail Jeannie? She’s so nice!’ Jeannie really didn’t need to take on the emotional labor of pretending to be interested in Ian; any excuse would have worked.” –TheDiva

“Readers whose papers don’t carry the Mark Trail throwaway panels on Sunday are really missing out. I imagine Mark is saying this to Cherry. It’s early in the morning, and she’s just woken up. Mark’s been standing next to the bed for hours, preparing for this exact moment.” –Joe Blevins

“Simpler explanation: the look on his face indicates that he’s attempting to use a mobile phone.” –Horace Broon

“Whether you’re a female West Coast millennial college student or an elderly unemployed Appalachian man, some things (stomping angrily away muttering to yourself about how everyone else is to blame for your problems) are universal. Kudos to Mary Worth and Snuffy Smith for bridging the cultural divide.” –Schroduck

“It’s really an indictment of our education system when some students get to college ready to seduce their teachers for better grades and others arrive without the faintest idea of what flirtation and seduction even look like. Isn’t the SAT supposed to determine college readiness?” –FeralCanadian

“Just imagine what despair the people at the ‘Cat Foo‘ factory must live in that they can’t even shake themselves from their depression to fit the product’s generic description on the cover. (‘It has a picture of a cat, people will figure it out. Let’s go get hammered.’)” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“An F!? I need to re-examine this series of bad life choices I’ve made, and get my act together!” –Just John

“‘&%$#@/‘ is how the teens today are saying ‘a legitimate reason for giving me a failing grade.’” –John Salerno, on Facebook

“A sexual power struggle between a young female student and her professor? Occasional interruptions by the professor’s wife?? Vile profanity?!? Omigod, it’s happening! David Mamet is finally writing Mary Worth!!” –Where’s Rocky?

“So this is what happens when an unlovable force meets an immovably awful judge of character.” –jroggs

“I’m really disappointed that we won’t see the explosive graffiti written by these badass kids. I’m guessing it would be something along the lines of ‘OR MAYBE NOT? THE SITUATION ACTUALLY MIGHT BE A BIT MORE NUANCED THAN WHAT IS BEING PR-‘ (at which point they run out of room).” –pugfuggly

“Well, we don’t need a ladder to get higher! [They start huffing the spray paint]” –Ettorre

“The fingers on the backscratcher have uncurled between panels one and two. The cursed artifact that grants you wishes, but fulfills them in the most terrible way, has been passed on to its next victim. (Snuffy wished to be known across the country and didn’t realize that it would be for making jokes like this.)” –matt w

“Where did Snuffy get the money to buy a nice, store-bought backscratcher? I figured he’d make do with rolling on some broken glass, or the severed, mummified hand of a Barlow.” –Guillermo el Chiclero

“The first draft of this strip was Barney saying, ‘Yer sure usin’ that backscratcher. They should call you … Scratchy Smith!’ But the key to great writing is rewriting until you nail it.” –Jenna

“So for these reasons and many more, I feel that I deserve an A on this assignment.” –Chyron HR

“This storyline is starting to read like it was written by Nick Pizzolatto. All questions and no answers. Are we supposed to judge this naïve college student as hopelessly pathetic for choosing expediency over the hard work or deciphering ancient texts? Are we supposed to feel sorry for Ian because he was briefly taken in by this jezebel but then admire his academic integrity while relating to his deeply welled feelings of longing for any sort of female companionship? Is this just searing but subtle dig at the pathetic ways state colleges deal with their Title IX obligations? Or is this all an elaborate set up that finally instills in Toby the courage she needs to finally extricate herself from a flawed and distant partner? All we need now is a time jumping sequence or two before the whole thing is abandoned all together for a more linear story next year about Mary’s quest to buy Jeff a birthday gift that says simultaneously says ‘yes, we’re together’ but ‘no, I’m not quite ready to commit.’” –GdBenz

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Ghosts Are Assholes: James Kirst is a new author with a new novel entitled Ghosts Are Assholes, a different kind of ghost story, that he thinks you’ll love so why not read a free preview to see if you agree. Learn more about it on his site and while you’re there, why not check out one of his short stories too?

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

Post Content

It’s that time of month again: the time when I let you know that the Internet Read Aloud, my live comedy show about the Internet, is happening in a week’s time! Do not, miss it, if you are in Los Angeles!

Here’s the Facebook event!

It’s also that time of week again: the time when I present to you the week’s top comment!

“Killgrave’s powers have turned his skin purple and allow him to command heroes to give him piggyback rides so no, he’s not the most dignified of supervillains.” –iagbegreg

And the hilarious runners up!

“Instead of ‘Child’s Mind,’ this could’ve been called ‘Why It’s Better To Be Born a Boy Child.’ (1) You don’t have to kiss people against your will. (2) A woman’s interior life is a baffling landscape that you needn’t concern yourself with.” –Jenna

“Uncle Chris, answering the burning question: ‘What would Jesus look like if he were the regional manager of a Century 21 office?’” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Look at all these young people, their eyes fixed on their phones! Why can’t they live their life more fully, for example exchanging grades for sex?!” –Ettore

“I think I’ve sussed out what’s bugging me about Jannie. When she’s putting on her sweet l’il co-ed act for Professor Cameron, she’s got this pleasant, doe-eyed expression on her face. But when she’s gloating about how she can use her feminine wiles to ace this course without doing any work, her face turns into a sneer worthy of Snidely Whiplash. This transformation is too unnatural! It’s like the version of her from the portrait stashed upstairs in the attic comes to life when it’s time to blow off the slavering young boys and blow smoke rings while indicating just which little finger of hers Dr. Cameron is wrapped around. It’s like we’re reading The Picture of Jannie with No Gray Area.” –Larry McAwful

“That poster outside the main office is there for a reason. It covers up a crack in the plaster. But if you do start feeling depressed, then call up Robby Howry and ask for some uppers. His number is on a billboard outside of town.” –seismic-2

“The toll-free number is an innovation! I kind of expected Gil to hand out a pamphlet entitled ‘So You’ve Lost to Your Arch-Rivals by Single-Digits.’” –But What Do I Know?

“People usually don’t grimace when they try to wink, Janine. Unless they’re really drunk, which would explain a lot now that I think about it.” –Rosstifer

“I estimate Ian’s age as being somewhere between 70 and 135, but even he should know that no college professor is donning a suit for a typical class day, particularly one in which half the class dresses like they’re on a short-lived ’90s NBC sitcom and the other half dresses like they’re in a short-lived ’90s grunge band.” –Irrischano

“I’m pretty sure that ‘bust‘ is actually Gen. Halftrack himself, in makeup and standing with his head through a table — all so he can finally get Miss Buxley to touch him. Saddest sexual harassment ever!” –BigTed

“Hey, if being smug and judgmental gets you that much extra leg room on a flight, I may have to give it a try!” –JJ48

“Yes, which is worse: the dull ache of living or the sharp pain of dying? This is about as philosophical as Crankshaft gets.” –pugfuggly

“Toby’s caustic relationship with Ian makes all the sense in the world now; all it takes is a few winks and smiles for Ian to fall apart at the seams and forget how his job is supposed to work.” –Lionheart

“She’s the world’s only preteen senior citizen. He’s U.S. Senator Ted Cruz. This fall on NBC, they fight crime.” –Thomas Keith, on Facebook

“The guy looks pretty tough. He’s gritting his teeth, and just look at that scar. Better give him what he wants — don’t try that weak ‘go fish’ stuff with him. Just give him the damn eights and nobody’ll get hurt.” –Tracy’s Dick

“Oh, hey, Marty’s radio program is out of WDIG, which a quick internet search reveals is an AM station in Steubenville, Ohio. You know — Steubenville, the city of murals! Home of the annual Christmas-themed Nutcracker Village! The, um, quickest-shrinking metro area in America from 1980 to 2000. Gosh, Gil Thorp. Steubenville. Hmm. Welp, better get going. Good talk.” –Thelonious_Nick

“I assume an ‘all-world’ football player plays the form of football that the rest of the world plays, i.e. soccer. In other words, he’d be an absolutely totally wretched quarterback. Fits right in!” –Dmsilev

“Toby wouldn’t be worried if she knew the reality of the situation is much, much more pathetic than she can imagine.” –Noel

“‘I wonder if he’s having an affair?’ Just as I thought, Toby is an uptalker.” –Northernlurker

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Ghosts Are Assholes: James Kirst is a new author with a new novel entitled Ghosts Are Assholes, a different kind of ghost story, that he thinks you’ll love so why not read a free preview to see if you agree. Learn more about it on his site and while you’re there, why not check out one of his short stories too?

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!