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We got yer top comment of the week — right here!

“Extraterrestrial life is not likely to be bipedal with familiar bilateral symmetry, and is highly unlikely to be able to survive in our atmosphere. No, this is clearly another one of Count Weirdly’s robots. But Slylock is so focused on showing off his high school chemistry knowledge that he overlooks this plain fact, and thus unwittingly participates in Weirdly’s devious plot to corner the lemonade market.” –Nekrotzar

And we also got your runners up — very funny!

“The saddest squirrel is the one with the little top hat. The other squirrels are just being squirrels, but the Ringmaster there is really committed to this being a circus. ‘BUT WE GAVE YOU A SHOW!’ he’ll scream, as the dogs rip him and his little hat to shreds.” –Lorne

“I enjoy Max Mouse in this panel, basically sitting there on the edge of the pier pondering how they got to the point of dealing with the mystery of the fucking toy ship. They used to be the best in the biz … the best.” –tb4000

“Only 4 hours between low and high tide, and then 20 hours until it’s low again? Clearly, this is some nefarious scheme of Count Weirdly. What he’s trying to accomplish with the deployment of his Achronal Tidal Engine is a mystery, but it’s probably something like making the water rise at just the right time for him to take his rowboat up to the bank teller’s drive-through window right at guard shift-change.” –Dmsilev

“Can Dennis read? If he can’t, the saddest line in this comic is: ‘And I feel pretty good about it!’” –Joe Blevins

“Lasagna may well be one of the easiest dishes to prepare — you just pile ingredients up in a pan, and you don’t even have to cook the noodles beforehand. Instead, Lou buys industrial-size food-service cans of soggy noodles with hard bits of beef in a little overly sweet tomato-flavored liquid, upon which he’ll sprinkle the packet of tasteless Parmesan he’s been saving since the last time he ordered delivery from Domino’s. The fact that Dagwood intends to choke down two of these suggests that having to work on a national holiday has sent his food mania into overdrive.” –BigTed

“Saul Wynter’s beloved canine companion is gone. It’s natural for him to mourn and retreat… Does that sound convincing? My programming tells me that to mourn one’s beloved companions is ‘natural’. And please thank the team for deploying the contractions algorithm. However, there seems to be a problem with my vocal stress circuits. Would you like another RAM chip muffin while I run a diagnostic?” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“Mary steps out of the blood-covered sedan. ‘Hey, Mister Wynter! I ran over a couple of dozen dogs by total accident, and I’m wondering if you can repair it and pull the scraps and shards that were once beloved pets out of the grille and undercarriage!’ –Panel from Mary the Menace” –Voshkod

“Remember how the helicopter was about to crunch Spidey and Fisty into a building right before they disabled the chopper by punching holes in the footwells? The writers don’t. That happened, like, yesterday. Live in the moment, man.” –jroggs

“[Man brings problem before Crock.] [Crock promises to deal with problem in ambiguous way.] [Man assumes that this time, Crock is genuinely concerned, despite all past evidence to the contrary.] [Crock reveals ‘solution’ that is underhanded/impractical/stupid.] I think I’ve cracked the formula! Now I just need to learn how to not draw, and I can have my own beloved newspaper comic!” –JJ48

“How will Spider-Man escape from the falling helicopter? He’d need some kind of foolproof method of reaching a tall, sturdy object from another lofty position! And to save Iron Fist as well, he’d have to have the proportional strength needed to carry another person with him! The horror! Unless Iron Fist can survive any length of fall by punching the ground, which, let’s be honest, probably.” –Navigator

“Funky waited for Wally to spend four years and several hundred thousand dollars in student loans before deciding to hand off a business to him that Funky could have trained him to run for free. Ladies and gentlemen … the strip’s protagonist!” –Where’s Rocky

“Since Wally only has two choices for employment in Westview, Montoni’s or the high school, this seems to be a good fit. I refuse to consider the Komix Korner as a viable business.” –Rusty

“Mary eerily stares at the fourth wall while talking to Spencer Tracy, presumably to make sure anyone’s still bothering with this.” –Applemask

“At this point, grumpy old man Wynter is probably so fed up with Mary’s meddling that he will agree to go to the dealer with her, then find the smarmiest service rep on the floor, and tag-team him in the gratuitous upselling: ‘Did you notice the wear pattern on the left rear tread, Bill? Looks like the universal is about to give out. And listen to the engine! I wonder if those piston valves are okay.’” –fausto

“Pluggers’ lives are so empty that the only pleasure they get anymore is the glee that comes from taking out their hearing aids and then subjecting their grandchildren to the sounds of Lawrence Welk playing the accordion at 110 db.” –seismic-2

“It’s true! Jordan had a microwave installed, ordered a dozen takeout containers, and … whatever that is on the upper shelf. Either a toy locomotive or a very large spider.” –Ukulele Ike

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Hello everybody! Your final reminder that tonight, in Los Angeles, I’ll be doing my first ever solo hour of comedy, as I bring together the best of my bits from the Internet Read Aloud as a one-man show!

If you’re in LA and have always been meaning to check out one of my shows because you enjoy my whole deal, let me recommend that you come to this one! Here’s the Facebook event, and here are some tips for finding the venue!

But whether you’re coming to enjoy my comedy stylings or not, you should definitely enjoy the comedy stylings of the comment of the week!

“The plugger paper shredder never gets jammed. It gets bursitis.” –nescio

And the runners up — also hilarious!

“Count Weirdly tries to pull an awful lot of scams with fake inventions, but it’s never really clear why. He’s capable of building convincing androids and time machines. I can respect his desire to keep his creations proprietary, but surely he can unload a few vampire pigs on the exotic pet market and finally move out of his motte and bailey slum housing.” –jroggs

“Ah, this brings me back to the wide-eyed optimism of my youth, when I had causes to fight for, like the purity of rubber and the protection of the global supply of yarn. Now I’m old and jaded and I can’t even be bothered to sigh when someone tries to flood the market with weirdly transfigured big rubber that they’re trying to pass off as normal rubber … but I used to believe in things.” –gkl

“Friggin sentient bat has one job: guard the window. Guess tech startups treat their workers like shit in Slylock’s world too, because my man clearly could not care less if Slylock busts this whole operation up with high school chemistry.” –Dan

“‘Ed Crankshaft. We haven’t seen you at one of our reunions in a while.‘ Why is she smiling, you ask? Isn’t she disappointed that Crankshaft isn’t dead? No, because this is the Funkyverse, where living is a worse punishment.” –Ettorre

“Did he choose his sweater to match her hair, or is the sweater made out of her hair? Discuss.” –JJ48

“I think we’re all missing the simpler explanation for what’s going on in today’s Dennis the Menace. After whatever catastrophe happened last time, Mr. Wilson is using the scale before and after his bathroom adventure, to find out how much that sucker weighed.” –Kytan

“The subtle differences between the two panels in today’s Slylock Fox tell quite a story. Slylock, Max, Deputy Dog and Deputy Duck loaded three prisoners onto the transport van. That much is clear. But at some point, they unloaded them, and something terrible happened. Something that would have been directed by Quentin Tarantino and set to an oddly upbeat ’80s riff. As they are reloaded into the paddy wagon, we see the dog prisoner has lost his teeth, presumably having them pulled out by the Sociopathic Shamus after he chewed off Slylock’s ear. The bird prisoner has been shaved, probably as retaliation for ripping off Deputy Duck’s tie. The rear view mirror is gone, I assume after a violent melee in the driver’s seat. And Deputy Dog has thrown away his badge. He’s seen too much, he can’t put up with this crap anymore. Just get these three to the station, and he’ll put in his papers, retire, go fishing, maybe get an RV and travel the country with Mrs. Dog. Anything to get away from that fox and mouse. As he starts the engine, he can’t forget Slylock’s face, impassive, as the Vicious Vulpine pulled out the dog’s fangs. He turns up the music, another upbeat ’80s song, to drown out the thumps and howls from the back of the van.” –Voshkod

“‘Remember when comic-book writers used to think that radiation could give people superpowers? Well, it turns out they weren’t scientists.’ ‘Batman’s a scientist.’ ‘They’re not Batman.’” –BigTed

“Thinking that Iron Fist should change his name to Canary Espadrilles.” –Fritz H.

“I almost have to respect the utter contempt that Gil Thorp has for the casual reader of their strip, as each day they present two incomplete sequences smashed together and just dare you to make sense of them. ‘Oh, did you not understand the context of the French movie comment? Too bad! Here’s a half-finished thought about another storyline already in progress, but if you want anything close to resolution on that you’ll have to wait until tomorrow, or maybe next week. Why do we do this? We’re Gil Fucking Thorp, that’s why.” –pugfuggly

“iPhone X: IP67 dust/water resistant (up to 1m for 30 mins) and HW5 impact resistant (withstands hitting supervillains in the face 5 times), glass front and back, blah blah blah.” –Baka Gaijin

“This guy’s from a broken home. He’ll be up for some law-breakin’. I also have a guy whose parents were lax churchgoers and another guy whose mother was the household’s main breadwinner.” –Jenna

“The only missed opportunity here is that she didn’t yell, ‘DO IT FOR THE ’GRAM!’” –Joe Blevins

“So, Iron Fist really loves yelling his own name. It makes sense — you’ve got to build a brand, especially in this day and age — but he’s going about it all wrong. He should be talking about ‘the Iron Fist’, to make clear that he is unique. Saying ‘an Iron Fist‘ suggests it’s a generic name, and could potentially cause him legal problems with trademark dilution. If he insists on the indefinite article, he should least yell ‘an Iron Fist™ brand fist’”. –Schroduck

“She’s got shelves and shelves of actual reading material behind her so it seems unnecessary for her to be reading a pretend book. That said, her object work is impeccable; those Second City extension classes were money well spent.” –Shoe Substitutes

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Hello, pals! I am doing a VERY SPECIAL Internet Read Aloud next Friday in Los Angeles, one week from today: it’s a one-man show, and that one man is ME!

If you’ve been saying “I keep meaning to go see one of Josh’s shows,” I would really appreciate it this is the one you came to! I’ll be doing an hour (or so) of weird and funny internet multimedia bits that will amply demonstrate how much Being Online has broken my brain. 8 pm! Free parking! BYOB! We’ll all get ice cream afterwards, for real! Please come, if you’re in town, or near town! And here’s the Facebook event, if you like those!

But it took many people to create such a funny comment section this week! Still, I must select one for COTW, and I selected this one:

“The Purported Punter would also be a fine start to Kaz’s film education. The 1938 classic starring Basil Rathbone as Hercule Poirot on the trail of a master criminal disguised as a Venetian gondolier was once hailed by Roger Ebert as ’94 minutes long.’” –Navigator

The hilarious runners up show why this was so hard!

“They need to perform a fees/ability study.” –Dennis Jimenez

“Okay, this took a bit of thinking, but I finally figured out this cartoon. First, note the reddish-orange chairs in the conference room. Then note that the screaming woman in the purple cardigan isn’t apparently sitting in one. She’s actually a child who’s standing up. Let’s call her Olivia. That anguished woman in the middle isn’t a coworker; it’s her mother. We’ll call her Amanda. This is some kind of ‘take your daughter to work’ event that has gone very wrong. Amanda has gathered everyone in the conference room so that Olivia can do a presentation, thinking it would be cute and entertaining, but instead, Olivia is doing a broad, scathing parody of her mother, based on things she’s overheard. Some of what she’s screaming about might even hint at ethical violations on her mother’s part. The guy in the blue shirt — let’s say his name is Doug — doesn’t know what to do. Amanda is his boss, so it would be rude to leave in the middle of Olivia’s performance, but it somehow seems even ruder to stay and witness this embarrassing spectacle. There. I did it. I decoded a Six Chix. To me, it’s more satisfying and fun than any Sudoko.” –Joe Blevins

“Butternut is also a walnut (‘white walnut’) that doesn’t impart any nutrition but does make you shit like there’s no tomorrow. Snuffy is basically warning us that within a few years we can expect him to be an ancillary character in a Marvin spinoff, minus indoor plumbing and single-use diapers.” –Hopester

“I can vaguely recall the last plot in this strip about Marty Moon for getting in trouble for…being an asshole to some sports kids? I honestly don’t remember what he did. In any event, it seems the pendulum has sung in the other direction, as Marty has decided to salute both teams at every play, just to show his undying respect for them.” –pugfuggly

“I missed that the lady is addressed as ‘Darla’ in the first panel, so my first thought was that ‘Darla Gillespie’ is her archenemy and she organises class reunions purely in order to spite Darla in some way. It certainly explains how angry she looks about it!” –Horace Broon

“Meanwhile, Iron Fist’s sound effect, ‘SLAMM MM,’ combines devastation with the contented noises of someone eating caviar.” –Thomas Keith, on Facebook

“Hey everybody! It’s time to play Giant Motorcycle Or Tiny Josh Brolin!” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“There won’t be any killing of children in Mark Trail. All Cool Dude is going to do is trick Rusty into trading his phone for a ride on his motorcycle. Once Cool Dude has the phone and Rusty’s ride is over, Cool Dude will delete the SnapClapTrapApp and warn him about the risks of taking pictures in public without permission. Rusty will give a mopey Ted Cruz-looking apology, wondering what the word ‘public’ means and Cool Dude will ride off in the sunset waving a peace sign, telling the kids to not do drugs.” –Bud

“Trust me, carousel slide projectors are going to be the next big hipster fad. And I’ve got a warehouse full of ’em! Mwa ha ha ha!” –Peanut Gallery

“Legacy comics are just so out-of-touch and unrelatable. Like, Lois, mother of four, is tending her infant child, and I’m supposed to believe she gives a shit about wearing pants? Underwear, half-fastened nursing bra, and a ratty t-shirt slung over one shoulder in case of spit-up, that’s the uniform until at least noon. Maybe 10:00 if there’s a grocery store trip on the agenda.” –Dan

“The lower jaws were first to go, then the pants. Hi and Lois turned into 9 Chickweed Lane so slowly no one noticed.” –matt w

“It was in September 2018, when Six Chix finally revealed its Snoopy sex robot, that the Universal and King Features syndicates really went to war.” –Big Ted

“The Marriage Mascot (Laulibu Talismans) was actually the final film of the misunderstood Latvian auteur Sixi Chixu. The profane bestial, sexual ultraviolence of the infamous ‘wedding night’ scene tests the stomach of even the most hardened critic, but it’s still preferable to wasting a year of evenings being half-assedly coached by Gil and Kaz.” –Schroduck

“I’ve never married because I would never be able to afford a honeymoon location better than ‘elementary school classroom‘ either.” –Flonatin of Bologna

“Also, all the gunfire probably helped get their attention.” –Randallw

“There’s a lot of space between these pet gravestones, especially the cats. Were these, like, giant human sized cats? I guess that explains why they were buried with such reverence. ‘Here Lies Fluffy. While on this earth no one ever fucked with him.’” –Mikey

“Do you see this? That one cop is hitting people! Hitting people is my thing! Cut that out, you … you … normal fist!” –made of wince

“I would have thought looking up from your Candy Crush game to find a massive insect screaming about being excluded from raucous debauchery would be grounds for panicked terror, but I guess mild bemusement works, too.” –JJ48

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!