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It’s that time of month again: the time when I let you know that the Internet Read Aloud, my live comedy show about the Internet, is happening in a week’s time! Do not, miss it, if you are in Los Angeles!

Here’s the Facebook event!

It’s also that time of week again: the time when I present to you the week’s top comment!

“Killgrave’s powers have turned his skin purple and allow him to command heroes to give him piggyback rides so no, he’s not the most dignified of supervillains.” –iagbegreg

And the hilarious runners up!

“Instead of ‘Child’s Mind,’ this could’ve been called ‘Why It’s Better To Be Born a Boy Child.’ (1) You don’t have to kiss people against your will. (2) A woman’s interior life is a baffling landscape that you needn’t concern yourself with.” –Jenna

“Uncle Chris, answering the burning question: ‘What would Jesus look like if he were the regional manager of a Century 21 office?’” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Look at all these young people, their eyes fixed on their phones! Why can’t they live their life more fully, for example exchanging grades for sex?!” –Ettore

“I think I’ve sussed out what’s bugging me about Jannie. When she’s putting on her sweet l’il co-ed act for Professor Cameron, she’s got this pleasant, doe-eyed expression on her face. But when she’s gloating about how she can use her feminine wiles to ace this course without doing any work, her face turns into a sneer worthy of Snidely Whiplash. This transformation is too unnatural! It’s like the version of her from the portrait stashed upstairs in the attic comes to life when it’s time to blow off the slavering young boys and blow smoke rings while indicating just which little finger of hers Dr. Cameron is wrapped around. It’s like we’re reading The Picture of Jannie with No Gray Area.” –Larry McAwful

“That poster outside the main office is there for a reason. It covers up a crack in the plaster. But if you do start feeling depressed, then call up Robby Howry and ask for some uppers. His number is on a billboard outside of town.” –seismic-2

“The toll-free number is an innovation! I kind of expected Gil to hand out a pamphlet entitled ‘So You’ve Lost to Your Arch-Rivals by Single-Digits.’” –But What Do I Know?

“People usually don’t grimace when they try to wink, Janine. Unless they’re really drunk, which would explain a lot now that I think about it.” –Rosstifer

“I estimate Ian’s age as being somewhere between 70 and 135, but even he should know that no college professor is donning a suit for a typical class day, particularly one in which half the class dresses like they’re on a short-lived ’90s NBC sitcom and the other half dresses like they’re in a short-lived ’90s grunge band.” –Irrischano

“I’m pretty sure that ‘bust‘ is actually Gen. Halftrack himself, in makeup and standing with his head through a table — all so he can finally get Miss Buxley to touch him. Saddest sexual harassment ever!” –BigTed

“Hey, if being smug and judgmental gets you that much extra leg room on a flight, I may have to give it a try!” –JJ48

“Yes, which is worse: the dull ache of living or the sharp pain of dying? This is about as philosophical as Crankshaft gets.” –pugfuggly

“Toby’s caustic relationship with Ian makes all the sense in the world now; all it takes is a few winks and smiles for Ian to fall apart at the seams and forget how his job is supposed to work.” –Lionheart

“She’s the world’s only preteen senior citizen. He’s U.S. Senator Ted Cruz. This fall on NBC, they fight crime.” –Thomas Keith, on Facebook

“The guy looks pretty tough. He’s gritting his teeth, and just look at that scar. Better give him what he wants — don’t try that weak ‘go fish’ stuff with him. Just give him the damn eights and nobody’ll get hurt.” –Tracy’s Dick

“Oh, hey, Marty’s radio program is out of WDIG, which a quick internet search reveals is an AM station in Steubenville, Ohio. You know — Steubenville, the city of murals! Home of the annual Christmas-themed Nutcracker Village! The, um, quickest-shrinking metro area in America from 1980 to 2000. Gosh, Gil Thorp. Steubenville. Hmm. Welp, better get going. Good talk.” –Thelonious_Nick

“I assume an ‘all-world’ football player plays the form of football that the rest of the world plays, i.e. soccer. In other words, he’d be an absolutely totally wretched quarterback. Fits right in!” –Dmsilev

“Toby wouldn’t be worried if she knew the reality of the situation is much, much more pathetic than she can imagine.” –Noel

“‘I wonder if he’s having an affair?’ Just as I thought, Toby is an uptalker.” –Northernlurker

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Ghosts Are Assholes: James Kirst is a new author with a new novel entitled Ghosts Are Assholes, a different kind of ghost story, that he thinks you’ll love so why not read a free preview to see if you agree. Learn more about it on his site and while you’re there, why not check out one of his short stories too?

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Friday wouldn’t be Friday without the comment of the week!

“A better example of unintended consequences would be: I have slowly morphed my humor strip to misery porn over the decades and now I am stuck trying to write dramatic scenes about people with names like ‘Funky Winkerbean.’” –Rob

And you should also kick off your weekend with some runners up! Very funny!

“Drinking a bunch of wine always helps with insecurity.” –TeacherBoss, on Twitter

“If the storm forced Slylock to make an emergency landing, he sure did a shitty job of it. There’s a vast empty field behind the one tree he managed to crash into. Worse, Max survived.” –nescio

“Y’know, Brayden, most people don’t realize this, but strictly speaking ‘we’ll be in the air momentarily‘ means we’ll only be in the air for a moment and then come crashing back to earth like a ton of bricks. Funny, huh?” –Peanut Gallery

“Fish fry, eh? Well, although I can’t relate to a horny professor/sea captain and a milfian blob sculpturer that live together in a condo, I can relate to what it’s gonna smell like in there for the next three days. Kind of the perfect background aroma for this storyline when you think about it.” –Mikey

“Jannie! Hurry up and lure your professor to a second location so we can harvest his organs already! I’m only one of a dozen handlers scouting potential replacement organs for the Rolling Stones and I’m telling you time is an issue!” –iagbegreg

“Pluggers spend so much time ranting about the War of Northern Aggression that their grandkids assume they had a personal stake in it.” –TheDiva

“Don’t tell her you’re ‘game!’ If she is so vile to push Ian to adultery, she will have no qualms about organizing the hunting of human beings!” –Ettorre

“Why is ‘Jannie’ sucking on one of the nails from the crucifixion? I know that all the females in this strip are sub-human and morally-challenged (EXCEPT MARY OF COURSE), but this is the first time I’ve seen one depicted as actively initiating a Salem-era witches’ curse.” –Hopester

“Other papers are talking about the ongoing government shutdown or China arresting a Canadian. Meanwhile, Milford’s headlines read, ‘LOCAL TEEN SAYS VAGUELY NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT SOME FORMER COACH OR TEACHER OR SOMETHING.’” –JJ48

“As much as I admire the current Mary Worth artwork, I miss the challenge of trying to puzzle out which characters were supposed to be attractive from context alone.” –Violet

“Uh oh, looks like Dolly’s breaking up with God.” –jroggs

“Heh heh … there’s no way I’ll get lung cancer from vaping if I stick the thing right up my nose instead of in my mouth! [later] My nose is connected to what?!” –Enlong

“It’s a good thing this is just a radio show. The public is not ready to get up close and personal with Robby’s face. They may never be ready.” –Joe Blevins

“Although I’m surprised any research ethics board signed off on the cruel gene splicing experiment, I’m glad we finally have an explanation for why Dagwood’s knees are halfway down his shins.” –Schroduck

“Say what you will about the pacing of this strip, but Moy certainly knows what the audience wants: the eventual humiliation of Ian and/or Wilbur.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“Hmmm … time to increase the stimulus pressure [pours hot coffee onto his forehead]” –pugfuggly

“Since the words aren’t in the thought bubbles, is this guy talking to himself, or are they going to reveal some poor costume person cleaning the vomit off his costume and going, ‘Mmhmm … yeah … mmhmm … do you still need the fake chins or can we aerate them?’” –Jenna

“What’s bothering me? Well, it started when my brother and I made a bet, and the loser had to get the world’s stupidest-looking haircut.” –seismic-2

“How can you overlook the masterpiece that is Gil Thorp today? You’ve got Marty Moon, looking like semi-bearded Mr. Spock from the Douchebag Universe, sitting contentedly as his hapless minion does his dirty work. From this position you can imagine him shifting back in his big chair, tapping his fingertips together, and saying ‘Excellent.’ Meanwhile, Robby sits there with an idiot grin on his face, so thrilled to be listened to that he gives a thumbs-up to the radio audience. Of course they’ll do it again tomorrow: even though trashing a high school coach couldn’t possibly fill 10 minutes of real air time, these men have nothing else in their lives but this pathetic campaign.” –Banana Jr. 6000

“I, for one, can’t wait for additional political insights from Funky Winkerbean. ‘Well, you know, raising tariffs on farm goods generally imported by the Chinese might be an effective disincentive to prevent the Chinese from raising their tariffs[1], but will also impact the livelihood of the farmers[2], who will all get cancer anyway from the insecticides they use[3].’

[1] Ashley, Percy, Modern Tariffs
[2] Marx, Karl, Theories of Surplus Value, vol. 2
[3] Batiuk, Tom, Funky Winkerbean, passim” –Voshkod

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Ghosts Are Assholes: James Kirst is a new author with a new novel entitled Ghosts Are Assholes, a different kind of ghost story, that he thinks you’ll love so why not read a free preview to see if you agree. Learn more about it on his site and while you’re there, why not check out one of his short stories too?

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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No fuss, no muss: it’s this week’s top comment:

“‘It’s been a while since any parents complained,’ says Gil, as he demonstrates the hernia exam that they complained about.” –seismic-2

Also: Your hilarious runners up!

“Rex has waited until reaching the airport before reading the papers from the other researchers at the conference? For the first time ever, I see realism in this strip.” –Ettore

“‘I’ll be at a dull old medical conference all day long’ is just the kind of thing you’d yell if you were worried your wife and kids were about to join the dots about you and your secret second family.” –Schroduck

“How can I treat Mary Worth as portraying an aspirational lifestyle after seeing how the apartments are absolute crap? Are these converted barracks from Camp Swampy?” –Rusty

“I can’t show weakness to Ian by letting him think I’m concerned, or invested in our relationship in any way!” –TheDiva

“‘I’ve always been proud of my independence,’ says the woman who has never paid for anything ever in her entire life.” –Joe Blevins

“I believe it’s pronounced ‘fapping.’” –John Salerno, on Facebook

“Come on, honey. Let’s go take our minds off our son’s obvious medical problem.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Bonus brainteaser: Is that piece of furniture on the right a drafting table with no leg room, or just an ordinary out-of-perspective chest of drawers? Enjoy some Hams Chow while you think it over.” –Peanut Gallery

“‘I’m calling the website up right now!’ said the man who definitely has used the internet before.” –pugfuggly

“Good thing Billie Jean didn’t install some skeeball machines, her idiot customers would be using them as urinals! Oh wait, that’s too on-the-nose for a Crock punchline. They’d be using them as flip phones!” –jroggs

“Gil, you need to see this. You don’t want to — but you need to. Apparently, landlines are completely obsolete now, thanks to these … what do the kids call them? … ‘cellular telephones.’ On the plus side, some of the guys on the team showed me how to use it to get all the cute cat videos I could ever want. See? It’s a cat, but he’s riding around on top of the little floor-vacuum robot!” –JJ48

“Looks like the guy in panel two is going ‘Whooaa‘ in awe of Mark’s sick dance stylze.” –Pozzo

“‘…and place the mask carefully over your nose and mouth. If you are travelling with a child, place your own mask on before assisting your child.’ The flight attendant’s patter was lulling most of the passengers into boredom, but Rex and Brayden stared at each other with cold, cold eyes. A silent understanding. Maybe even a glimmering of respect. When this cabin loses pressure and the oxygen masks deploy from the overhead compartment, they both thought, you are on your own.” — Voshkod

“Oh crap. ‘Bobby’ has changed his name to ‘Robby’ to show the world he’s not taking its shit anymore. I’ll bet the confrontation between him and Gil will include this moment: Gil: ‘Bobby–‘ Robby: ‘YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS ROBBY.’” –Jenna

“For Mark Trail, the word ‘encounter’ means ‘to punch in the face with great force.’ He was utterly baffled by both Brief Encounter and Close Encounters of the Third Kind. And that time Cherry dragged him to an encounter group? Disaster!” –Joe Blevins

“‘MARY, comfortable and confident in her single life, eats alone and indulges in erotic fantasy. TOBY AND IAN, continuing their loveless sham of a marriage, eat in silence.’ It’s like the world’s most depressing Goofus and Gallant.” –Dan

“Early 2019 gives us a bald, bearded John Travolta and a — what do the youths call it? — a thicc Mark Trail. Could this be the rain of men that was foretold by the soothsayin’ Weather Girls?” –The Mighty Captain E

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Ghosts Are Assholes: James Kirst is a new author with a new novel entitled Ghosts Are Assholes, a different kind of ghost story, that he thinks you’ll love so why not read a free preview to see if you agree. Learn more about it on his site and while you’re there, why not check out one of his short stories too?

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!