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It’s been a while, what with my blogcation a couple weeks ago, but it’s time to crown a new comment of the week, at long last:

“You know the old joke: How do porcupines have sex? Not carefully enough, apparently!” –BigTed

These runners up are also worthy of your time!

“Sam & Silo takes the odd position that justice is neither what people deserve nor want, but rather what they expect. So take that, pessimists! You were right about this much: God is out to wreck you personally.” –pachoo

“Safe sex? Why should Funky’s dad care if it’s safe or dangerous? He’s going to die of something any minute. It might as well be sex.” –White Rabbit

“Love the goth Christmas tree in Funky Winkerbean. The darkest green tree they could find, to remind you of the inky blackness that awaits you. The stark white lighting, to remind you of the institutional setting you’re going to die in. The grey trimming, made from the hair the dying once treasured, shorn from them as a final indignity before death. Merry Funkmas!” –Voshkod

“Again with the square balloon? Is the twist that Libby has been the narrator all along and she has narrated these last eighty years to prove that Mary was a horrible person and that’s why she abandoned her? Because we got the gist many decades ago.” –Ettore

“Which one of these creatures can see in complete darkness? Answer — The fish skeleton. Though its physical eyeballs have long since surrendered to decay, its trapped, haunted soul remains restless within those bones, its unblinking eye sockets forever forced to stare at the nightmarish beings that creep on the blackest edges of our reality.” –Schroduck

“Someone poached Rhino-man’s chin.” –nescio

“Thank you Slylock for the vivid imagery of a duck greedily sucking down link after link of raw trashcan sausage. The stillness of the night broken only by the sound of its toothless beak mashing processed meat into greasy paste.” –Escape Zeppelin

“Joe has it figured out. Since Kelly is obviously the person who’s been giving Kaz the film titles to drop into his conversation, she’s obviously also the person who gives him the questions and answers for his World Geography quizzes. ‘I’m interested in Italy, but Machu Picchu sounds interesting, too! Do you happen to know much about it?’” –seismic-2

“I continue not to understand why ‘I’ll tell Pitchblende about the money Miller put in trust with us, but I’ll pretend I need to continue to hold it, and delay paying his bills out of it as much as possible’ is a better plan than ‘I won’t tell Pitchblende about the money, and just keep already having it with no-one being any the wiser.’” –Hoarce Boon

“This whole plotline has been a missed opportunity to have Mary stroking a cat menacingly as she gives advice. Advice you would do well to take, if you understand Ms. Worth’s meaning.” –Dan

“Pretty sure Loweezy is just waiting for Snuffy to die so that she can cash in on his life insurance (‘life insurance’ meaning the large bet she made that he wouldn’t survive the year).” –Rosstifer

“Get you a man who will proudly boast about your culinary skills at every single opportunity, even if he’s on the butt end of an unexpected but hilarious (maybe? I guess?) pratfall.” –The Silent Penultimate Panel

“Narrator: It wasn’t a game. Dagwood was tweeting real people. He would discover this two hours later when agents from Homeland Security arrested him for being a Russian agent. Due to the absence of comically large sandwiches in jail to keep his hunger abated, he would be released three hours later after eating two prisoners, three guards, the warden, and their entire supply of pepper gas.” –Dread

“I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve lost to ‘Tweetbomb,’ which is tweeting while bombed.” –Joe Blevins

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Hello all! I am taking a break for some extended family time, so your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be taking the guest-blogging reins until December 3. He can’t bear to choose from amongst all you lovely commenters, so here is your comment of the next several weeks:

“It looks as if Mary, not wanting Saul to revert to grumpiness, had the old man and his dog bronzed and placed in the park as tribute to her wisdom.” –Maltmash3r

Your runners up are also very funny!

“I don’t know why that woman needs to see paintings when she could be admiring the perspective-defying staircase that somehow begins two feet from a wall, yet rises away to infinity.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“The guard sighed. Once again a philistine had missed the entire point of the ground floor gallery, On the Commercialization of Art, a conceptual and interactive installation art piece, purchased at great expense from a private collector in Prague. ‘The traditional art is upstairs,’ he sneered, omitted even the courtesy of a ‘ma’am.’ Some people just weren’t worth the trouble.” –Voshkod

“I’d like to think that Mary Worth’s ring tone actually consists of the words ‘RING! RING!‘, because you know that the phone is actually whispering to itself ‘bo-RING! bo-RING!’ based on years of experience in listening to her conversations.” –seismic-2

“Either the pregnancy test just came back positive, or the rabies test did.” –lumaca morente

“How Mary relaxes at home? Well, she answered the phone with her left hand.” –Ettore

“Yarrr … ’tis the very toucan that gave me this scar!” –Harold

“Good question! Maybe when your mom and ‘Uncle Troy’ finish up in there and she unlocks the door, we can go look that up.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Thanks to Mark Trail for depicting what having a monkey on your back must look like if what you’re addicted to is sugary breakfast cereal. Truly, a Reefer Madness for our times.” –Damian

“Because at night the sun must do battle with the serpent god Apophis in order to prevent the world from plunging into chaos. What are they teaching kids in school these days?” –TheDiva

“Maybe Thel shouldn’t have made a pot of coffee for the kids.” –nescio

“It’s hard to believe that technology in Hootin’ Holler has advanced to the point that firearms have rifling.” –Flonatin of Bologna

“Nice that the Keanes managed to find another family nearby with a brood of similar, yet slightly uglier, children. Must be good for the whole family’s self esteem!” –pugfuggly

“My grandmother used to have a phone just like that on the wall in her kitchen — except of course it was a rotary dial. A nice memory, just in time for Thanksgiving. The bad news is, it might be 30 more years before the people my age are all dead and there’s finally no more reason for the syndicate to keep carrying Family Circus.” –Peanut Gallery

“No, no, cat — when I say ‘me,’ you say ‘ow.’ Now let’s try it again!” –Pozzo

“Mary knows that cats steal babies breath when they sleep, so she is seriously considering getting one.” –Rusty

“I dunno, Henry’s checkered jacket suggests he’s getting ready for an evening at a casino or the track. That may not be Dennis’ idea of a good time, but at least he’s getting some experience with the kind of joint he’ll be wanting to case when he reaches his full potential as an adult criminal.” –BigTed

“Of all the objections I could make to this cartoon, I’ll limit myself to the fact that Beetle can somehow wear his own hat, complete with brim, under the General Halftrack mask, which has a brimmed hat of its own. No, Greg Walker, no. That is the point past which I can no longer suspend my disbelief.” –Joe Blevins

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!