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Hey guys, real quick: my monthly comedy show in LA? That you know and love? It’s happening week from today in LA with a superstar lineup, don’t miss it!

And now, real quick: your COTW!

“Those ominous black dots on my cheeks are freckles! And those two black parallelograms floating around in my hair? Those are my eyebrows! That bulbous, snout-like appendage between my black, soulless eyes? That’s a nose! I’m adorable, understand? A-dor-a-ble!” –Joe Blevins

Equally speedy and funny runners up!

“Me after getting a single like on a tweet.” –Devi, on Twitter

“Unlike Mary Worth readers, Wilbur’s readers don’t have pictures of Wilbur thrown in their faces.” –Kevin Keeney, on Facebook

“Hal of Hal’s Haberdashery is sunning himself at some tropical location in early retirement.” –Kevin On Earth

“I’d think bringing the late CEO’s child with you to a board meeting would be kind of a bad-ass power move. I would start by saying, ‘Has anyone here seen the movie Boss Baby?’” –BigTed

“I query ‘AUGH!’ as the proper response to THWACK. I would have gone with ‘OW! Fuck!’” –Ukulele Ike

“So that first panel shows Mara running towards Rusty and Cherry with her front shadow-free, but the same aspect on Cherry and Rusty (i.e., their backs) are in full-on shadow. Mara may only be five feet away, but apparently the Trails are in some sort of enclosure, perhaps a hunting blind, looking out through a two-way mirror? Maybe they are there to furtively hunt for a mate for Rusty?” –The Mighty Captain E

“I’M BACK, WORLD! AND SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN WHEN I WAS HAVING SUICIDAL IDEATIONS!” –Dan

“Ah, nothing like a young homunculus’s first romance with a forty-year-old pre-teen.” –TheDiva

“Okay, I’ve see this black cross-hatching many times in Crankshaft and always took it to be a representation of shadow. This time, though, it’s just raked across the cloudless blue sky behind the strangely-despised Lena’s back. Hmm … kind of like formless wings of black smoke, like an angel that had its ability to soar the heavens ripped away by divine command. Lena … LENA … Lucifer eternum nunquam ascendunt … okay, time to go out for some fresh air.” –jroggs

“Sadly, Jughaid was buried alive in the family plot once the picture was taken.” –Snuffed Smif

“I read this as ‘where to CUCK,’ and I thought, well, bonus points for trying to keep up with today’s lingo, and even more bonus points for remaining on brand by being totally incoherent.” –Nekrotzar

“The troops are getting younger every year. We thought it was a blessing! Ten years ago I was an old man, paunchy and balding. But the sun scorches away the years, and five years ago I found myself newly in the prime of life, healthy and hale. But the troopers grow younger every year. Yesterday when I got out of bed I found that my feet no longer touch the floor. Today I found a baby tooth under my pillow.” –bunivasal

“Ha, normally the inspirational speech at the end of a story would be about the hard work and struggle the protagonist went through, but not in Rex Morgan, baby! ‘I got this company through marriage and corporate conniving even though I’m completely unqualified to run it. Now I’m going to go home and let you eggheads worry about the boring stuff and leave you with some vague threats about intervening if I feel like things are not to my liking.’ Fuck I love this strip!” –pugfuggly

“And let me be clear about the Avery Aerospace legacy! My husband’s last coherent wishes were that we continue to use the finest linen and dope in covering wing surfaces, and that cockpits should be open so that pilots could have a proper feel for air conditions! As for this rocketry silliness, he said satellites were just a fad and nothing would come of those goofball Telstar and Tiros ideas!” –Schrödinger’s Droopy

“Ironically, the hospital staff give Slim TLC while wearing ‘no scrubs’, and Slim catches a preventable nosocomial infection.” –Schroduck

“Why doesn’t Slim call the icon of Baphomet from the hood of his truck to cure his condition?” –Pozzo

“Alice is trying some negative reinforcement to cure Dennis’ desire for cookies. Once his hands heal from the burns, he’ll think twice.” –Kevin On Earth

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Here’s today’s COTW, which is short and sweet and made me laugh like a hyena:

“Dr. Hweb Blog” –Jarin Udom, on Facebook

And the very hilarious runners up!

“Happy Mother’s Day from all of us at Mark Trail! Unless you’re an elephant! Then you’re stuck with an oversized brain that leaves mother elephants like you with an enhanced capacity to despair and grieve for your dead children! You even have the guilt to bury them yourself and the memory to endure the pain for years! Happy Mother’s Day!” –jroggs

“THIS WAS NOT ON THE INSIDE THE ACTOR’S STUDIO SYLLABUS, JAMES LIPTON” –pastordan

“This is a surprisingly complicated joke. In reality, the term ‘tree hugging‘ doesn’t mean ’embracing trees as though they were human.’ It means ‘going to extraordinary lengths to protect trees from being cut down.’ So does the talking, sentient tree in this strip want to die, having grown tired of its solitary, stationary existence? Or is the tree willing to sacrifice its own life to further the cause of capitalism? ‘Get away, you fool! They’re going to build a Lens Crafters on this spot!’” –Joe Blevins

“He looks like a tree hugger … and a tree kisser to me if you know what I mean and I think you do. But if you don’t, what I mean is smoking marijuana.” –that guy

“As usual, Daisy is the most entertaining aspect of this strip. I just love how she wakes up, smiles as she realizes what’s about to happen, and then sets herself up for a front-row seat in the kitchen to enjoy the ensuing mayhem. Daisy knows what that’s all about, and she’s LOVING it.” –pugfuggly

“Alice’s hair is protruding out of the panel, as the first step in escaping the patriarchal nature of the 50s-era comic strip.” -Pozzo

“I don’t know about you guys, but the idea of Mark pounding the living shit out of an argumentative modal realist gives me ten times the anticipatory pleasure of any number of poachers, bank robbers, crooked senators, or confused sheriffs. I want the blows to land just as he uses the term ‘indexical,’ turning his nose and teeth into a reducible set of body parts and fluids. ‘Keep talking and you’ll need more than a reliance on counterpart theory,’ Mark says, tossing a copy of Kripke’s response onto the sand where the blood was pooling.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“Are … are Mark’s nipples erect? I mean I knew he liked dishing out nature facts but, geez, this is supposed to be a family strip. Someone cover Rusty’s eyes.” –Truckosaurus

“So I guess it’s the strongly matriarchal society of Hootin’ Holler, in which only women are allowed high-caloric luxuries like dessert, that’s caused the menfolk to shrink into physically stunted grotesques. But the good news is that we can finally stop blaming the moonshine.” –BigTed

“All I can think of looking at today’s Mark Trail is the horrific sunburn awaiting these pasty people.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“I love the attitude of the Mark Trail colorist. Let’s see: Polka dots vs. Tiger stripes? New hair style? Could this be a completely different character? Aw, screw it, I am NOT scrolling up to that color bar again.” –Col Havoc.

“Wow. Everybody involved with this whale is aggressively and unaccountably furious. How DARE this whale strand itself at our exclusive beach resort. We paid good money and this ecolodge can’t even keep the beach free of filthy cetaceans.” –Escape Zeppelin

“Well, you pretty much have already given up your privacy when you go to Doctor Blog. He’s posting about Leroy’s ED while he’s still sitting there! ‘Flaccid has two c’s,’ Loretta helpfully adds.” –Aphthakid

“After all he’s been through, Wilbur still doesn’t know how to hold a goddamn phone.” –Tom the Sailor Man

“What? No, this is your therapist. I said your problems are whack.” –Rob Carlson

“Look before you ‘lease’! And you know what I mean by ‘lease’! Wink wink. I … literally mean lease. Nudge nudge.” –Bootis

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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What’s that comin’ round the bend? Why, it’s your COTW!

“Even for this strip, the LEGACY TRILOGY logo written in Lisa’s blood is a little too on-brand, no?” –pastordan

And right behind it? Why, it’s a whole posse of runners up!

“[Mary] keeps a cool head, even as she watches Wilbur drunkenly enter a shoving match with the alpha male of one of Santa Royale’s famous sea lion colonies.” –Alex DeSteve Allen Inventor Of The Porg, on Twitter

“Konga was released in 1961. Did the animapocalypse take place and I missed it? (I haven’t been keeping up on the news lately.)” –Pozzo

“‘I know Milton was as much a friend as a boss and you got on well with Heather to the extent she basically gave you this house, so I need to ask how his death’s affecting you?’ ‘You mean, will I still have this house?’ ‘Obviously. What else would I mean?’” –Horace Boon

“I like how MJ’s first step in her disguise is make herself cross-eyed. ‘Ha, they’ll never recognize me now!’ she says as she crashes into the pier.” –pugfuggly

“No one has ever been as pissed off about having to get a cab as Mark Trail is right there. ‘I wanted to rent a car but Big Government says I can’t have a license anymore because I’ve made too many vehicles explode. Many of those weren’t even my fault!’” –Aphthakid

“Get out of here with that ridiculous-looking dance craze from the 1970s — I’m busy with my ridiculous-looking exercise craze from the 1990s!” –BigTed

“It’s not a heart, it’s a Cardioid, because math broke my heart. It was a stormy day in Bletchly Park and the Jerry U-boats were decimating our convoys. Poor old Alan Turing was working on the Enigma cipher by day, and trying to unlock his love for me at night … [Two hours pass] … so I punched him, right there in Stockholm, in front of the Queen and King. ‘Feynman, you son of a bitch,’ I snarled, ‘you can play loose with me and my girl, but you cannot take quantum electrodynamics from me.’ That bastard stood up, straightened his tie, kissed my wife, and said ‘I already did, Louis.’ [Three hours pass] But I hung up my slide rule in ’86, when those swine at IMU gave the Fields Medal to Freedman for his work on four-manifolds while ignoring my breakthrough on Yang-Mills. I knew Freedman was sleeping with half the panel. Anyway, then I bought this place and started making chili for idiots like you. That answer your question?” –Voshkod

“You FORGOT that Green Hornet had a gas gun? That’s his whole shtick. That’s like forgetting that Batman has Bat-themed gadgetry or that Superman can fly or that Dick Tracy’s grotesque rogues with literal nicknames usually have gruesome, violent deaths.” –Frank B. Chavez III, on Facebook

“No matter how hard I try, I can’t see those grawlices as representing anything but voluminous farting. The air is thick with them!” –Peanut Gallery

“I’m going to assume shirtless white guys with tattered pants don’t stand out in Florida.” –Kevin Keeney, on Facebook

“‘You’re a failure, I am a failure! Let’s pool our efforts together.’ This is perfectly in the spirit of the Amazing Spider-Man.” –Ettore

“Two shirtless men, a woman fixing her Sharon Stone hair, and an underdecorated, indistinct set? I realize Spider-Man: Homecoming left itself open to some pretty obvious porn parodies but this is egregious.” –Bunivasal

“Scheduling disappointments are, based on my last visit to the urologist, the most realistic medical crisis shown in Rex Morgan, M.D., to date.” –Where’s Rocky

“I forget what the Snuffy Smith baby‘s name is? Here goes:

• Porkpie
• Honker Junior
• Tipsy
• Lil’ Feedbag
• Lil’ Snuff Stuff
• Hambone
• Pickle Truckle
• Cornpone
• Bumble Gump
• Underbreeches Jones
• Ol’ Baby
• Chuggs”

–Jack Pickert, on Twitter

“No, Mary! You’re pulling the ripcord on your murder-disguised-as-suicide-plan too soon! Wilbur isn’t quite drunk enough to think the cliff side is your car! You need to pick up his unfinished bottle of liquor and goad him into downing it all first. Maybe make a comment about how you hope he hasn’t given up on this the way everyone in his life has given up on him. Look, you’re a creative woman full of platitudes. I’m sure you can do this.” –Lionheart

“This might be cute if they were referring to the puzzle being too challenging for a baby, but no. The Holler never stopped grading meat using numbers (‘grade A beef’ was a flatlander invention to incorporate post-Upton Sinclair improvements to the food industry). Loweezy knows that cerebral activity is a leisure that fattens no frame, thus wasting the valuable bulking period between now and when Tater is presented at table, presumably with taters.” –Hopester

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!