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Hello, joke-enjoying humans! Would you like to see me and many other funny people tell jokes about the Internet one week from today, as is our wont? Well come to the Clubhouse in Los Feliz, Los Angeles, California, and all your needs will be met!

Your needs for a funny COTW, however, will be met right now:

“Dick Tracy gently eases readers into its world with the Crimestoppers Textbook. ‘Never trust anyone! Never let your guard down for a second! There are criminals everywhere, just waiting to prey on you! Okay, now here’s our hero gunning down some guy we don’t care about in a dump. Enjoy!’” –Joe Blevins

Also? Your runners up? They’re funny too:

“This is inappropriate for Easter. People were happy when Jesus returned from the dead.” –nescio

“So Bonnie Tracy gets asked out to a nice restaurant by a successful sportswriter, and Dick shoots him dead, halfway through their first date. ‘Oh Dad — again???’, sighs Bonnie, as she stares wistfully at the pack of condoms that she has kept in her purse since 2003, and that she knows she will never, ever get a chance to use.” –seismic-2

“Anyone who’s been to Hoboken in the past quarter century knows that its high rents and well-to-do young professionals have transformed it from its former image as a rough, unglamorous, working-class town. Using that stereotype of Hoboken already stopped making sense by 1990. The fact that the strip got this wrong is the most Pluggers thing about it.” –Larry McAwful

“…and I mean a really lousy shot! Did you see yesterday’s comic? We were less than ten feet apart and not moving! I know some people criticize us for being too blasé about the deaths of our fellow human beings, but when you see ineptitude like this, does the guy even really qualify as human?” –JJ48

“Thank you, narration box! ‘A quiet afternoon at the Morgans’’ is the summary we all needed of the snoozefest that Rex Morgan, M.D. has become.” –pastordan

“Just realized Free Comic Book Day isn’t until May 4 this year, so we have another full 2 weeks of FCD jokes to come. Looking forward to the next mini arc where Atomik Komix realize they’re getting too many Starbuck Jones returns, so they hastily staple new covers on the old issues, add in a 4 page sponsored story where Starbuck Jones says ‘The only thing faster than my jetboots is your weekly fresh meal kit delivery from Blue Apron!’, and unleash their deeply disappointing free comic on an unsuspecting public.” –Schroduck

“The central angel’s puckered mouth is unsettling. Everything else around it is drawn with the same loose carelessness we’ve come to expect from Six Chix, but that mouth is a perfect, circular void of emptiness.” –TheDiva

“It’s very hard to imagine how anyone draws that picture of a balding, goateed, overdressed man with his hands clasped together and thinks, ‘this is my story’s main protagonist’ instead of ‘this is the stuffed shirt character who accidentally gets a bucket of something disgusting dumped on him for quick, cheap laughs.’” –Dan

“What’s really sad are the presents. Sure, this is Heaven and your every desire will come true instantaneously, but because we know how ridiculously insecure and in need of constant reassurance you are we’ve conjured a mountain of ‘gifts’ that hold no intrinsic value whatsoever. No, excuse me while I water ski on the back of a shark in a river of pure, molten gold in a human pyramid including perfect facsimiles of every girl I’ve ever had a crush on. Enjoy your brightly wrapped boxes of knickknacks and gaming systems your parents refused to buy you when they were still new.” –WLP

“It looks like sunbeam has indeed been taking vitamins. Specifically, draining them from Trixie’s increasingly exhausted and unhealthy father.” –jroggs

“Comic strips remember a simpler time, when bullying and making people cry were done in person and in the open, not on Twitter! Also, it involved older kids at worst, not thirty-year-old influencers promoting their paid newsletter.” –Ettorre

“This is the date Estelle will remember as the day she made the choice to go all-in for love, which resulted in her losing her retirement savings and living the rest of her life in her grand-niece’s basement. It’s also the date Mary will always remember as the day she found those deck shoes that go so well with her favorite scarf on Zappos.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I like how it looks as though Mary’s phone isn’t even on, just a prop she uses when she wants to give her musings a bit more weight. ‘Oooh, and look here, this article says that pastel purple is the hottest thing in fashion right now! Isn’t that interesting?” –pugfuggly

“Just wanted to say I am totally here for the apathetic Narration Box. ‘Just got a back massage. Or whatever. They could have said this out loud, but then I wouldn’t get paid. Speaking of, it’s time for my smoke break. Narration Box OUT!’” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“My name is Martina, and I am good old all-American molodezh’, I mean youngster, da. I am enjoy fine town of … of … not Sverdlovsk, nyet, fine town we are in here now! I am in America to run and skip and jump like frivolous child, not karlik assigned to sleeper cell, nyet! So, do any of your papas work in defense or intelligence?” –Voshkod

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Banana Triangle: Poor Tom and Scotty and Rosemary, lost on an island somewhere in the sea. Frightened and desperate, hungry as could be, devoured each other; problem solved — one, two, three! A webcomic updated thrice weekly.
• Sunday 2am: A weekly webcomic about life, love, happiness, philosophy, and marshmallow chicks.

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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It’s that time of week, everyone: time for the comment ……. of the week:

“The aspect [of Pardon My Planet] that most impressed me was the weird haircuts he gave everyone. It’s like creating a strip with multiple Dagwoods.” –Ukulele Ike

Also time for the very funny runners up!

“Drug dealers, even in states that have not legalized or decriminalized marijuana, are still required to submit a truthful tax return and pay the appropriate taxation rates on their income. For a waitress likely surviving entirely off of tips, a friend who runs his own business and knows the intimate laws and loopholes of the U.S. Tax Code would be a perfect person to consult over her own financial circumstances. Since young people have used pot since forever, I can only assume the cartoonist ran out of space for the final hilarious punchline and just decided to call it a day.” –Dread

“Marvin doesn’t really care about breaking toys — he just wants to poop all over some other kid’s creative dreams. That’s right, I said it — he’s finally lifted his destructive bathroom habits to an entirely abstract level.” –BigTed

“Oh boy oh boy we’re kicking off a knitting arc and somebody’s gonna hold the needles the wrong way and people are gonna go nuts. This is why the Internet exists, man.” –Uncle Lumpy

“I think Toby’s big smile and nonchalant attitude here is due to the fact that she has realized she is no longer the biggest dummy at Charterstone.” –Where’s Rocky?

“You made a physical object!? How? Is there an app that can do that now?” –Peanut Gallery

“Mary Worth Attempts Slang Phrase, Biffs Entirely” –jvwalt

“I never thought I’d say this, but Mary looks beaten down by Toby’s relentless questioning. ‘Why doesn’t Estelle just video chat?‘ ‘Why don’t they make the whole aircraft out of the black box material?’ ‘Why didn’t the eagles just carry Frodo to Mount Doom?’ ‘Why do we park on a driveway but drive on a parkway?’” –Schroduck

“Video chat is amazing, Mary! Do you know that you can solicit married men to take part in cybersex, record them on camera, and use the incriminating video to blackmail them? It pays top dollar! The only problem is that a good ten per cent of my victims turn out to be Ian.” –Ettorre

“Ah Shoe, the comic where the punchlines involve a nude man-bird harassing women at the bar.” –Escape Zeppelin

“[meanwhile, back at Mary’s apartment: Toby and Mary try to match the best ‘crying Jordan’ pictures to the pictures in Estelle’s social media posts.]” –Foodar

“I see the woman in Pardon My Planet is enjoying a Tsushima Straight, three shots of ice-cold vodka garnished with a sunken model ship. Drink it fast. It’ll make you cross your eyes the way Admiral Tōgō crossed the Russian’s T.” –Voshkod

“My favourite part of this strip is the fact that Roy is announcing his upcoming birthday to his family, in the complete certainty that they didn’t remember or have anything planned. Just a nice layer of depressing icing on that cake of mortality.” –pugfuggly

“This is confusing because houseflies prefer the stool, not the pigeon.” –nescio

“[Panel 1: Jeff to his Cool Dads Who Never Change Diapers chat room] Oh, guys, about to drop the sickest burn on my father-in-law! [Panel 3] Sick burn … DEPLOYED!” –Adam Menendez

“Ah well, I’m old. At least I didn’t go bald in my thirties and try to hide it with a bad combover.” –Rosstifer

“Estelle: ‘Should I send Arthur the money he needs, Libby? Is that a wink? You think I must? Yes! I agree! Nothing will stand in the way our love!’ [rushes out the door to Western Union] Libby: [suffers acute conjunctivitis in desperate isolation]” –The Silent Penultimate Panel

“I figured the missing salacious details from the Mueller Report would come out online eventually, but I didn’t expect to find them in Sam and Silo. If we wind up learning the details of the pee tape in Hi and Lois, our democracy is officially dead.” –Larry McAwful

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Sunday 2am: A weekly webcomic about life, love, happiness, philosophy, and marshmallow chicks.
• Banana Triangle: Poor Tom and Scotty and Rosemary, lost on an island somewhere in the sea. Frightened and desperate, hungry as could be, devoured each other; problem solved — one, two, three! A webcomic updated thrice weekly.

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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It’s that time again: Time for this week’s top comment:

“Showing Mary Worth how to look things up on the computer is time wasted, though having Mary Worth supervise as you do something you’d be doing anyway is pretty much standard.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

The runners up? Also very funny!

“Big Daddy Keane uses the tree and its carvers’ fates to show how the outside world’s random coupling can lead to so much unhappiness. ‘Sure, you might be the nice family having dinner or celebrating an anniversary, but you could just as easily be the homeless couple or the fighting couple or the prison couple. Not worth the risk, right? Anyway, outside time is over.’” –Jenna

“Uh, yeah, Marie, we kinda figured you were no longer working here when you stopped working here several months ago. Hey, Marie, before you embark on your new life, you might want to swing by your old elementary school and tell them you’re no longer attending classes there.” –Joe Blevins

“I call shenanigans. Real pluggers drink themselves into a coma sitting in a chair.” –Zerowolf

“Pluggers should read ‘A plugger’s psychological development is arrested at the infantile oral fixation.’ Getting lucky at month 3 means getting the breast. Getting lucky at age 50 means getting sweetened cow milk from the woman who supplanted your mother, while you cling to her flesh, ogle her chest, and flaunt your bliss to an extent never before seen in this strip. Don’t expect this guy to use the potty, is what I’m saying.” –Hopester

“Jessica and Cindy accidentally left a mike on while they were bantering good-naturedly about an old murder and they now have a top-ranked podcast.” –lorne

“‘Hey, Cindy, stop harshing my jive!’ ‘Too late! I’ve got the 411 on your shizzle!’” –Thomas Keith, on Facebook

“This is so Funky. All these big shots making documentaries and producing films and stuff, but they don’t have access to source material without travelling to Cancerville to peruse some yokel’s private collection.” –Ned Ryerson

“Leroy is holding his just-completed suicide note, and now has second thoughts about going through with it if Loretta is going to burn to death at the same time.” –nescio

“It almost looks like a these two are going to break out into song, perhaps a grifter/griftee version of the American Tail classic ‘Somewhere Out There.’” –pugfuggly

“The entire collection of movies from an early silent-era star is either something that is available entirely on YouTube or Archive.org copyright-free or is a precious treasure that has escaped collectors and researchers for decades and could revolutionize our understanding of that period — there is nothing in between. This would be a golden opportunity to remake The Name of the Rose with the movie collection in place of Aristotle’s second book on poetics, so you know Batuik is going to squander it.” –Ettore

“‘I will always be in touch‘ means ‘I will never speak to any of you ever again, thank christ.’” –Rosstifer

“The name is a constant reminder of why they are no longer truly birds; why they cannot fly. They took up the humans’ ways. They adopted the humans’ language. They wear the humans’ clothes: shirts and coats and blouses that prevent their wings from spreading open to catch the wind that lofts them above the earth. Shoes that weight them to the ground. Glasses that limit their once penetrating vision to objects within arm’s reach. The only human things that don’t drag them down instantly are coffee and liquor, so they laboriously climb up—where once they could have flown down—climb, wearily climb to get to that tree-branch stool (the closest they’ll get to the heaven they once swam through effortlessly), where they can briefly feel the sensation of flying. Hangovers and mid-day energy crashes are a small price to pay for that.” –Old Man Muffaroo

“I don’t care about Arthur’s looks, Mary! I’m in love with his personality! His insecure, secretive, lying, financially-irresponsible personality!” –jroggs

“Look, I get that Mary Worth’s neighbors don’t seem like a bunch of rabid football fans, but they all live in southern California and you’d think at least one of them would recognize a picture of former USC coach Pete Carroll.” –Brad

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Banana Triangle: Poor Tom and Scotty and Rosemary, lost on an island somewhere in the sea. Frightened and desperate, hungry as could be, devoured each other; problem solved — one, two, three! A webcomic updated thrice weekly.
• SocMediaMarket: Improve your social media popularity with confidence. Get social media services within minutes!

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!