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Hey all! TONIGHT, the Internet Read Aloud, my free monthly comedy show in Los Angeles, returns to the stage in Los Angeles and is free! We’ve got a great lineup, and, I’m just going gently whisper, “a special robot guest star.” Here’s the Facebook event!

AND, as a certified Internet expert, I’ve officially determined that this whole “Facebook” business is “here to stay,” so I made a standalone Facebook page for not just this month’s show but the show as, like, an abstract concept. Please “like,” “share,” and “enjoy” if you want updates on future shows and random Internet-themed jokes over the course of the month!

And now, with that out of the way: it’s time for the comment of the week, y’all:

“If this storyline doesn’t wind up with Wilbur shooting a stranger on a beach, that Camus quote will have been wasted.” –Truckosaurus

The runners up are similarly hilarious!

“And my shower radio doesn’t work! Now the soundtrack to my showers, and my life, is the sound of my own heaving sobs!” –Roto13

“Seeing that everyone is in their underwear, at least it’s a fair fight.” –Rusty

“Noooo! If I don’t take my pills I turn into a decent human being!” –Peanut Gallery

“What I love about Ed Crankshaft is his stubborn refusal to learn from his mistakes. It’s not his fault that his whip-the-open-pill-bottle-towards-your-flat-palm method results on so much spilled medication. It’s the useless doctors never giving him enough extra to cover his losses and the darned interior decorator that put the refrigerator too close to his pill-taking spot.” –jroggs

“The Flagstons’ attempt to become one of the happy Italian-ish families in an Olive Garden commercial has only made them more miserable. Maybe it’s because Dad is ‘home from work’ (i.e., probably fired) at 4 p.m.” –BigTed

“All I can think about is how large and spacious those aircraft seats look. Forget First Class; nature magazine writers fly Zeroth Class!” –JJ48

“Dennis would prefer to hunt live prey, sink his fangs into the living, wriggling bodies, hearing their spines snap against the force of his jaws, and taste their still-warm, spilling blood… or he can just finish his plate of chocolate chip cookies that he’s having for dinner.” –Hogenmogen

“Marvin’s production of The Lion King was not well received. Reviews ranged from ‘A tepid interpretation’ to ‘unspeakably offensive.’ All audiences agreed, the increased scatological content was a serious misstep.” –Dan

“Oh, Dennis, you need to focus on the true existential horror: that all of us are a collective of billions upon billions of small animal lives and any sense of self you have is an illusion that evolved to ensure their survival and reproduction. Amateur.” –Dread

“Aside from the hairstyle the girl Rusty is speaking to looks exactly like his mother, which, aside from the Oedipal overtones, makes sense since she’s the only person in Rusty’s life who actually spends any time with him.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Dear Pete: You’re being a little ambiguous. I suggest that sentence should read: ‘Comic shop owner Rusty Staples was working late in his comic shop, when a wall of water smashed into the comic shop that he owned, where he was working late, with comics.’ You’re welcome.” –Tom the Sailor Man

“Mopey Pete hasn’t come up with an origin story for a character, this is just how his friend Rusty died. He looks excited when telling the story because he’s the only person Pete knew who didn’t die from cancer.” –Rosstifer

“Hagar isn’t the least bit curious about why his wife is talking to Lucky Eddie about ‘the way to a man’s heart’? I’d be curious.” –Joe Blevins

“‘Where’s Wilbur?’: a question nobody else has ever asked or wanted the answer to.” –Ekudamram

“They say that comic strips are always years late to topical events, but this Mary Worth storyline is perfectly on time for ‘sympathy for incels week’ among serious journalists.” –Ettore Costa, on Twitter

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Hey all! One week from tonight the Internet Read Aloud, my free monthly comedy show in Los Angeles, returns to the stage in Los Angeles and is free! We’ve got a great lineup, and, I’m just going gently whisper, “a special robot guest star.” Here’s the Facebook event!

And here’s the comment of the week! Very funny!

“Sometimes I wish I had a real dad instead of one of those buttons you push in museums to ‘Learn More.’” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

And here are the very funny runners up!

“An intimate dinner where your bowl of milk is seasoned only with the flavour of Leroy’s breath.” –Rhody Tobin, on Facebook

“Slylock Fox here to enforce his biggest concern: the Fair Packaging and Labeling Act of 1967.” –Windier E. Megatons, on Twitter

“Too little too late, Dennis. The ICBMs are already detonating on the horizon. Recycling a glass bottle once a day won’t mean anything when nuclear winter takes hold.” –jroggs

“None of these ingredients are real, unlike talking animals who engage in customer fraud.” –Erez

“Clearly this query about the possible diminution of the auditory capabilities of Roy Rogers’s horse is not merely a rhetorical question or the subject of idle speculation on the part of this plugger — we see from the sofa’s end table that he’s already pulled out three volumes of The World Book Encyclopedia to read up on ‘Horses,’ ‘Deafness,’ and ‘Movie Sound Tracks.’ The man has done some research, is what I’m saying.” –seismic-2

“So I ate the parrot and spit up his remains in a ball.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“If a plugger with a lousy memory keeps telling the same joke to a plugger with lousy hearing, does either one notice? Plus, if neither of them can see anything through his tiny glasses, do they even know the other one is there? And with a steady diet of diner coffee and stale pie, in a few years will any of this even matter? Sometimes plugger life seems very, very sad.” –BigTed

“Somehow this brain teaser is familiar: Spidey needs to get JJJ, Banner, and Connors to the other side of the swamp, but he can only tuck two of them under his arms at a time. If he leaves JJJ and Connors alone together, JJJ will reveal Connors’ true identity. If he leaves Connors and Banner alone at the same time, there will be another blood transfusion, with bad consequences for all involved. How does Spidey get all three across the swamp?” –DAS

“There are many advantages to not reading Funky Winkerbean. Today’s is that with no concept of who these people are or what’s going on in the plot, I can pretend that they have been imprisoned in an unfurnished room with hardwood floors, empty picture frames, and bars on the windows where society will never have to think of them again. This is a marked improvement over the traditional Funky Winkerbean punishment, in which people die of cancer and everyone else has to think of them in perpetuity.” –Drew Funk

“Is finding out that Prime Negatron is named after a cut of meat really such a disappointing origin, compared to the more probable truth that he’s a calculated rip off of someone else’s intellectual property?” –pachoo

“Pluggers don’t use them high-tech dryer machines. No, sir. They’re connected to the internet these days, and sure as heck I ain’t lettin’ no Mr. Putin know what panties my wife’s wearin’. I’ll hang ’em on a line in the yard fer th’ neighbors t’ see.” –Hogenmogen

“Now I see why you’re so good at fairy tales. Your mastery of the morphology of folk tales, such as the Aarne-Thompson Index, and your ability to force someone into them, is truly terrifying. The way you destroyed the IRS audit team by feeding them to the ogre in the castle (AT 1160), and the way you sent the Director of the IRS over a bridge to another world (AT 471), have taught me the meaning of fear (AT 326). Please, now, I’ve finished your taxes, no charge, please don’t let me be swallowed by a fish (AT 1889G) or kill me five times (AT 1537).” –Voshkod

“Now that there are two suns, the Flagstons are really going to regret paving the inside of their house.” –Joe Blevins

“This is not the first time I’ve wondered about the people who send suggestions in to Pluggers. What was Nancy Shue thinking that fateful day when she came up with her idea? Did she tell anyone about it? ‘Hey, you know what would make a great gag for Pluggers? You know, that thing in the newspaper with the animal-people? Yes, it’s called Pluggers. Yes, I read it.’” –Randy

“Mark Trail sure looks excited to be watching a plane crash.” –Schroduck

“I don’t hear him, Henry, so he’s probably gone and best forgotten. [keeps filling in boy-sized hole]” –pugfuggly

“I love Mayan temples, Rusty! All those arrogant buildings, made by cutting stone and ravishing the forest — they stood so proud, like a scar on the skin of Mother Earth. Then human civilisation fell, human beings exterminated like bugs and nature retook what was hers. Now these ruins mock human arrogance! One day the entire world will be like this, Rusty, and it won’t be too soon!” –Ettore

“I’m glad to see Gil Thorp returning to its roots, which as years of this site have taught me are giant hands taking up disproportionate amounts of panel space.” –Dragon of Life

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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I’m not going to make any more 4/20 jokes, because it should be obvious to everyone that I’m extremely square, but here, this is your comment of the week and it’s funny:

“Iris may have moved on, but Wilbur can still drink from the ‘DAT ASS’ mug she gave him.” –nescio

And here are your hilarious runners up!

“These two wouldn’t be the first starry-eyed Hollywood writers to base their careers around cliches they learned from a 1980s movie about starry-eyed Hollywood writers, but they’re probably the first non-prostitutes whose vanity license plate will be read by others as as ‘TUB-RUB.’” –BigTed

“Is ‘[getting] their fingerprints on the brass ring‘ a euphemism for suicide?” –Damien

“Panel number two is an exact replicate of the Showerhead-Wilburhead panel used in the strip two Sundays ago. Over the next few weeks this repetition will become more and more frequent, until the strip is nothing but a forever repeating image of Wilbur taking a shower, page after page, the image cut and pasted continuously by the Russian bot that slowly took over Mary Worth using information gleaned from the settings on Karen Moy’s Facebook account. The future is going to suck even harder than we thought it would.” –Hopester

“Sly just happened to catch Weirdly’s show? Or was Sly trying to learn why TERRIBLE TV regularly trounces The Sleuth Network (proud producer of Sly’s reality show Fox You)?” –Hogenmogen

“Considering Wilbur dumped his ex so work would pay for him to travel the world and date hot Brazilian dancers, his moist showery ennui is extra delicious. ‘I’ve lived and seen more than a hundred other men but the ex-girlfriend I never really liked is dating again and therefore life is a bleak pointless existence broken only by shoe shopping and bathtime.’” –Escape Zeppelin

“Only a true monster would use a mixed metaphor like ‘ferret out a king-size scoop.’ That is a mixed metaphor, right? ‘Cause I’m sitting here trying to picture a ferret holding a gigantic scoop in its little forepaws. Actually, that’s adorable. Jameson, all is forgiven.” –Joe Blevins

“Knife-throwing on the beach by a guy with no depth perception? Nope, I don’t see a downside.” –Pozzo

“I was working on a riff on how they have him chained to the easel and he can’t eat or go to the bathroom until he meets his quota. But, it’s all there in the text. The retired old man wants to take a break in order to attend the wedding of the dullest couple in the universe, but he can’t because exploiting the old man’s work is making his son and the dull couple rich and they need to work him day and night to squeeze as much out of him as possible before he dies.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“The real triumph here is that no one who draws this has ever seen or held a phone.” –Dani Roach, on Facebook

“I have some bad news. Your dressing gown cuff is trailing in your breakfast, and you’ve got egg all down your sleeve. And is that a Pop Tart? Are you just eating Pop Tarts, fried eggs and bacon for breakfast? Have some self-respect, man! Oh yeah, and we’re pivoting to video, you’re fired, bye.” –Schroduck

“Mrs. Mitchell seems to be the one with a medical problem. Irritable bowel? Weak bladder? The sudden collapse of several vertebrae? She certainly needs the doctor to *winkwink* check her out. [’70s porn music plays on the radio]” –JeffCG

“‘Actually, I think we can!‘ Everyone suddenly remembers that they don’t even need superpowers to snap JJJ’s neck and feed him to the gators. Maybe they can use their knowledge of, idk, science or something to cover the DNA trail if they have to make this complicated.” –Tonya

“I would have guessed that Dr. Connors’s life was already ruined when he developed the condition of turning into a monstrous lizard.” –Ettorre

“Based on the books, here’s what Dirty has worked out. He knows that Rusty has made a pet of the escaped circus tiger. All Dirty has to do is find a simple, reliable way for a one-eyed man to knock out Mark Trail, then find a way to make him appetizing for the tiger. Something will go wrong, but if it gets us some big-kitty artwork I’m all for it.” –Schrödinger’s Droopy

“I question Dirty’s commitment to this because I see neither a highlighter nor little Post-It notes sticking out of Weapons For Dummies.” –Kevin On Earth

“If you want to raid the Flagstons’ medicine cabinet, just ring their doorbell, say ‘I’m Chip’s new friend,’ then walk right in!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“We all assume that it’s the chickens that are the victims about to make statements, but I think it’s probably just as likely that they’re the attorneys.” –pugfuggly

“Yes, the syndicate is going to ‘fight these drops‘. They’re going to play hardball: ‘If you want to keep running Funky Winkerbean, you’re going to have to keep running Ask Wendy. Hello? Hello?’” –Ned Ryerson

“Hey, they’re right! They’re not worthy! I could be happily retired and just making occasional convention appearances. What am I doing teaming up with a couple of idiots whose moods suddenly and constantly shift between confusion, nausea, and rapturous ecstasy?” –JJ48

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