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Hey everybody! Next week is the first Friday of the month so you know what that means: my live comedy show, The Internet Read Aloud, is back! We had a month off and are coming back extremely refreshed with a great lineup, so this is a great month to come by if you are within driving distance of LA! Here is the Facebook event, which you should click on!

Ahem! And now with that business out of the way, here is your comment of the week!

“The sandwich could be so good that the only way Justin can increase his enjoyment of it is through autoerotic asphyxiation. He’s going about it all wrong, but sometimes when the moment seizes you you simply have to go with what feels right.” –Mike Podgor

And here is a fine collection of runners up!

“I wish this strip spent more time on Hagar’s time-traveling raids among 1930s high society.” –TheDiva

“Cherry: ‘I’d like to decorate the cabin a little.’ Mark: ‘Fine. Here’s something that could kill us all.’ And that’s the dynamic that makes this marriage work.” –Joe Blevins

“You know you’re a plugger if you have a fetish for fisting sneakers.” –nescio

“Finally, the reporters at The Daily Billionaire Simon Stagg Found Dead have the story they’ve been waiting so long for.” –pugfuggly

“I… don’t know if this is a ‘dramatic zoom on narrowed eyes while on the phone‘ action movie get-me-the-president kind of moment. But I also don’t want to discourage Mark from exploring an emotional range, even if it only goes from ‘bemused’ to ‘stern.’” –Dan

“So the first step in becoming a nationally recognized brand is to spend your weekends as the sad sample lady at the local market? At this rate, Mary’s timeline toward becoming a muffin millionaire is lagging far behind her life expectancy.” –BigTed

“The really sad thing is, this won’t be the first case of ‘dick grated off’ Doc Pritchart sees today!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I don’t think Snuffy’s too concerned about the way he’s handling his dad. Black market organ sellers are remarkably unfussy, as are black market wig makers.” –Applemask

“There won’t be enough left of him to bury. But Mary is going to make Jeff dig a grave anyway.” –Kyle Beatty, on Facebook

“This stuff isn’t half bad, so I’m going to fork it through my chest wall directly into my aorta.” –lumaca morente

“I’m not sure why it amuses me so much to assume Hi is listening to ‘Sail Away’ by Enya, but it’s most the strip has entertained me in a decade so I’m going with it.” –Doctor Handsome

“But even though I just stayed home instead of going to the game in case I was needed to pitch relief, when I went to the ballpark the next day, I didn’t get fired! I kept on being a mediocre pitcher on a mediocre minor-league team, just the same! So literacy is over-rated, is what I’m saying.” –seismic-2

“Honestly the most menacing thing Dennis ever does is when he foretells the distant future of the 2010s from his eternal time-home of the 1950s. Can he see beyond to eternity?” –abadidea

“Which cloud contains the malware I wrote to identify compromising photos and upload them to 4chan? BTW, Margaret, did I every tell you how I gained su access to Azure and read your diary?” –Nekrotzar

I’m also a fan of this visual posted to Twitter by longtime faithful reader Dean Booth:

pic.twitter.com/CBJ6uqAbi0

— Dean Booth (@BoothDean) February 22, 2018

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• The Nameless Series: A trilogy of books about people falling in love while being chased by ghosts, attacked by monsters, and haunted by their own pasts. Read the story of how two crazy kids meet, feed blood to a ghost, fend off a slavering nightmare monster, and fall in love. And that’s only their first date
• Fiends of the Hub: Boston is under siege. Hungry, vicious, and wild, these vampires want only to feed. Can they be stopped before they destroy it all?
• Weapon Brown: Aftershock: Jason Yungbluth’s blockbusting Weapon Brown graphic novel busted so many blocks that it sold out! Help get it back into print by supporting the Weapon Brown: Aftershock Kickstarter! Weapon Brown is an epic, Mad Max-style tale of the apocalypse that has a twist guaranteed to appeal to fans of The Comics Curmudgeon: every character is based on a famous hero of the comics page! Charlie Brown, Popeye, Calvin and Hobbes, Orphan Annie and dozens more of the most famous faces in comic strip history all receive black eyes in this hard-hittin’ parody that never pulls its punches! And what’s more, if this drive succeeds it will pave the way for a new Weapon Brown comic book, Aftershock, a 48-page epilogue to the massive graphic novel that will tell three new tales of Chuck, the round headed son-of-a-bitch, and his faithful mutt Snoop! Learn more!

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Hey all! I’ve been tweaking my ad setup a bit and I wanted to draw your attention to a couple of ad slots that are available on the site. There’s a big 970 x 250 billboard that sits between the first two posts on the front page and above the title on an individual post page; and there’s a 300 x 600 skyscraper that sits in the left-hand nav bar. They’re both great formats for striking comics art, and both get you a text shout-out in the Comment of the Week metapost.

You might remember Brian Carroll’s Two Party Opera as one of our big advertisers from last year. After his run completed, he sent me this very nice note:

I just wanted to give you an update on the success of advertising Two Party Opera on your site. A couple months ago, I was approached by GoComics for digital syndication and the comic has been mirrored there for about a month now. The visibility and readership for the comic quintupled overnight and I suspect that none of that would have been possible without advertising on your site (as I’m sure GoComics keeps tabs on the comics you roast).

Anyway, while obviously past performance doesn’t guarantee future results, etc., it’s a sign of what can go right for you if you choose to showcase your comic on a site dedicated to comics. Or showcase anything else, if you want! I won’t turn down your money! To start the process, head over to my BuySellAds page.

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Your comment of the week is happening … right now!

“I dig the classic ‘don’t try this at home, kids‘ vibe in panel two. All the while knowing that comic book nerds everywhere are sticking plutonium up their butts, hoping for some super power other than rectal cancer.” –Dennis Jimenez

Your runners up are … also hilarious!

“Another fun fact is that sea turtle used to be considered something of a delicacy in the Caribbean before protection laws stopped the hunt of these majestic animals. Of course … these ones are already dead, aren’t they…? [begins honing cleaver]” –pugfuggly

“I thought Josh would point out Dennis’s prayer as the menacing point in today’s strip. Isn’t saying ‘…and that’s it’ to the big guy akin to praying something like ‘…and we better have world peace by 5:22 tomorrow or you’ve had it’? Threatening the Lord is about as menacing as you can get, IMHO.” –Charles Nelson, Really!

“It’s no coincidence that Mark refers to sea turtles as ‘ancient mariners.’ Clearly, the real reason they’ve become endangered is that one of them ate an albatross — a fact that Mark is helping hide from the public consciousness due to his longstanding symbolism debate with the CliffsNotes corporation.” –BigTed

“Our scientists said there might be enough oxygen for us to live on the moon for another year or two if we gave up smoking cigars. But then, what would we be living for?” –Peanut Gallery

“‘Mary, together we’ll make a great team!’ Ted shouted. As he moved to embrace Mary, though, doubt flashed through her mind. ‘Team?’ she wondered, ‘Is that what he intends? But that would mean acknowledging him as something like an equal! Doesn’t he realize that I alone am the greatest being on the face of the Earth? That I am a jealous biddy and do not share power or glory?’ ‘Goodbye, Ted!’ she said aloud, calmly and forcefully. She felt some small sadness at having to abandon this plan to spread her meddling, but there would be other opportunities. Mary was confident she had made the right decision.” –JJ48

“I dunno, but it appears to me that this plugger has finally realized just how much time you can save in total if you start out the day, you know, dead.” –seismic-2

“After getting bored mid-sentence writing the hundredth variation of the ‘Going out tonight? Here’s the shocking reason your drink might kill you’ clickbait that keeps local news barely solvent, the Perfesser starts googling ‘regrettable tattoos‘ in a desperate bid to persuade himself that there are people out there who’ve made worse life choices than him. This is the most accurate depiction of journalism I’ve ever seen.” –Schroduck

“It would the best if we got two more days of uncomfortable creepin’ with the payoff Friday when Mary hits him with a quick gut punch and flips him through the coffee table. ‘How do you like the taste of them muffins!’ she cries before kicking her prone foe in the face with her sensible shoes.” –Aphthakid

“A recent study shows that 3-5 alcoholic drinks per day by birds may result in tender, pre-marinated flesh that is just perfect for roasting.” –Voshkod

“Snuffy Smiff keeps trying to replace the Daily Jumble, but for hillbillies.” –Hogenmogen

“Snuffy’s idea of romance: demanding (as usual) that your wife do manual labor for you so that you can be as lazy as possible, but with a pun involved.” –Enlong

“Ah, Pepper’s. Prime competitor for Lemonwasp’s and OMG Tuesday’s!” –Pak-Man

“I thought ‘Ghost‘ was some sort of cut-rate Phantom of the Opera, what with the mask and the tuxedo and such. So I was reading his last line in the sense of ‘I’ve built a set of secret passages around a giant lake/luxury home/torture chamber in the basement, and I’m going to keep running this restaurant from the shadows. Do you think you could sing lead soprano in Hannibal?’” –Rita Lake

“I must confess that I saw the restaurant’s name as ‘Preppers,’ which normally would indicate that I’m spending too much time in the dark corners of the Web. However, it would make perfect sense in light of the Ghost’s refusal to sell. Everyone knows a Prepper would never trade his bolthole for government scrip!” –But What Do I Know?

“I’m more worried about the extreme nonspecificity of ‘a catering event.’ Either it’s something so criminal that Blondie can’t talk about it, like the hitman in the cake in Some Like It Hot, or it’s a euphemism for something too terrible to talk about, like the International Nuclear Event scale. Either way, a lot of people died for those mini-cakes.” –matt w

“Um, it’s simple, MJ. Webs can cover Hulks … but, um, Lizards eat Spiders … while Hulks smash … ah, forget it … isn’t Judge Judy on yet. Hey, Bruce, you wanna watch someone you’ll like when she’s angry?” –Where’s Rocky

“Bruce and I barely understand what radiation did to our blood. Same goes for the Lizard. That’s why we’ve spent the last day and a half swapping it around our bodies like a game of transfusion musical chairs with no forethought or follow-up. It’s called science.’ –Dan

“‘Look, you’re a beautiful young lady, but you don’t know anything about radio — or the world. Let me give you lessons in both,’ said Marty Moon, just before they castrated him.” –Mysterious Shirtless Lawyer

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.