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Hey all! I was away from Comment Compiling duties for much of this past week, but I still got a few days’ worth of COTW for ya! Let’s start with this great top one:

“Just what every teenage girl enjoys, to have her pores displayed on a 65-inch screen in ultra-HD! This is exactly the kind of insecurity-boosting situation that’s turned underage makeup mogul Kylie Jenner into a billionaire.” –BigTed

Followed by these hilarious runners up!

“You better learn what it is, because we’re one of five nominees, and when we lose, I want you to feel appropriately dejected and hurt! …But please don’t turn your pain into another installment of the series.” –Hogenmogen

“‘Oh geez,’ thinks Tommy, as he notices that his ginger ale has turned red. All those years of skipped dental visits while zonked on vicodin have not done great things for his gums. (Today’s strip is sponsored by the American Periodontal Association. Remember to brush and floss daily so you don’t end up like Tommy!)” –GeoGreg

“I’m trying to decide if Gil means ‘Kevin Pelwecki will always be relevant’ or ‘Kevin Pelwecki will live forever in despair at his lack of relevance.’ Gil’s a huge asshole, so probably the latter. ‘What about Kevin Pelwecki?’ ‘What about him?’” –jroggs

“I love how the art and the text don’t seem to match up at all here. Clearly they’re supposed to be saying something like ‘Thanks for dinner!’ ‘Have a good night!’ but the writer is like ‘NO I STILL HAVE FACTS ABOUT OBSCURE COMICS AND MORE TERRIBLE INACCURATE WEATHER JOKES!’” –pugfuggly

“Some archeologists are just too damn obsessive — but not famed archeologist Howard Carter! Of course, the real story is that his Carnarvon funding ran dry a long time ago and he’s been coasting on his reputation ever since — otherwise why would the earl have had to rent the house to the Downton Abbey producers? — but his eager postdoc assistant Becky got herself a MacArthur grant. Follow the bitter academic rivalry as it unfolds, in the breathless reporting of Woods and Wildlife Magazine!” –fausto

“Ah, I see Becky found another of these hideous masks at the dig. Suddenly, I know what to call this culture. Please say hello to the Rusty Civilization.” –Voshkod

“One of the most recognizable landmarks in mid-Michigan is a Dixie Baptist Church billboard next to I-75 between Clarkston and Holly. It depicts Jesus with the legend, ‘Are you on the right road?’ I thought of that billboard as soon as I saw panel two of this comic, in which the sad-eyed auto mechanic faces the reader and asks that eternal question, ‘Will a midsized SUV get you where you’re going?’” –Joe Blevins

“Pluggers keep food long after its expiration date because they’re dogs. It doesn’t even get most of its flavor until after it’s spoiled and been scraped off the sidewalk.” –seismic-2

“It looks like somebody was trying to kill mom with poisoned juice but accidentally murdered their own children in a terrible ironic twist. #justpluggerthings” –Escape Zeppelin

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Hey kids! I’m heading outta dodge for the next week and change, so your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be in charge till I get back. I’ll be back at the blog machine’s controls on … July 12? -ish? Let’s say that. In the meantime, here’s your somewhat early comment of the week, which will stand till I get back because Uncle Lumpy can’t bear to have to decide which among your brilliant offerings are the most brilliant:

“Dag Hammarskjöld: ‘Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for. For me, that something was a commitment to world peace, which I relentlessly pursued right up until my death when my plane was shot down en route to negotiating a cease-fire in the Congo.’ Brandy: ‘I like action thrillers!’” –Owen Kije

And your very fun runners up!

“eHarmony presents ‘Letters From Birmingham Jail’” –Paula Gehringer, on Facebook

“Spicy foods are becoming increasingly popular with diners! For example, let’s look in at Millie’s Diner. Oh yeah, things are definitely heating up in there!” –Peanut Gallery

“This is one of those days when I wish Dennis the Menace were 50 panels long instead of eight, so we could see George Wilson: getting an idea, chuckling to himself a bit, finding his car keys, driving to the local PetSmart, parking his car, walking into the store, searching the aisles, becoming frustrated, seeking out an employee, talking to that employee, selecting a dog whistle (after comparing a few prices), walking to the checkout counter, fishing his wallet out of his back pocket, paying for the dog whistle, walking back to his car, getting stuck in traffic on the way home, finally returning home, awkwardly explaining to Martha why he was gone, etc., etc.” –Joe Blevins

“You made a big bowl of popcorn. A big bowl of popcorn to eat, dead-eyed, while you watch…what, a rerun of Cosmos? ‘Everything‘ is not what’s happening to you.” –Anonymous

“As usual, Marvin’s stale jokes leave no room for the really important question: is it demeaning to play fetch?!” –Ettore

“You hit the nail on the head, Ditto. As soon as she drops you off at Camp Samsara she’s headed for the Enlightenment suite at Spa Nirvana. Enjoy the endless cycle of days!” –But What Do I Know?

“Tommy is definitely Iris’s Tyler Durden, right? But, like, some weird reverse Tyler Durden where Iris is the one out living her sexual liberation and Tommy is discovering Christ and working at a grocery store.” –Dan

“I can’t believe how many times they’ve emphasized the fact that Tommy and Brandy had a ‘late’ dinner. I mean, I suppose 9:00 is kinda late for dinner, but surely not so remarkably so that it merits a daily mention. I guess it’s just everyone being on Charterstone time. Like later this week Iris will tell Mary that Tommy went for a late dinner and Mary will be all ‘what, like 4:30?’” –Violet

“I’m slayed, Ma! Slayed like a dragon of love! That’s like a Game of Thrones thing, right? I’m so young and topical!” –pugfuggly

“I’m glad that we have have 68 years of history behind Beetle Bailey, with unique characters like Gizmo, Plato, Sarge, Cookie, Zero, Killer, or even Beetle himself, all so that the punchline could be delivered by, uh. That guy. The generic C-shape with the tumorous c-shapes extruding from his face.” –Bunivasal

“At this rate Iris’ neck is going to be four feet long by Wednesday’s strip, her bottle-blonde locks cascading down acres of increasingly serpentine larynx. Tommy looks on, struggling to remember if he’s relapsed or if the devil has finally come for him.” –Escape Zeppelin

“Do archeologists still wear pith helmets? I thought there was a mass shift to fedoras in the 1980s.” –Zla’od

“‘How does LIDAR work, Professor Carter?’ Rusty asked. A sly grin played across his face since he knew this so-called ‘scholar’, being a humanities grad, couldn’t even explain that light can be both wave and particle, let alone understand a micropulse system utilizing intermittent bursts of energy to image objects.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Bill and Ted’s Reasonably Functional Radar-Like Equipment’ –Applemask

“When I have a child, I plan to always put his or her name in quotation marks as well.” –Here Come the Judge

“Thel regrets having not dug Billy’s grave a little deeper.” –Tom the Sailor Man

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!