“Gasoline Alley is really adamant about stating and restating Ida Noe’s central gimmick (She’s a magic doll!) despite the fact that it is easily the most memorable and straightforward bit in the entire strip. ‘Got it, talking doll, magical I assume? Great. Now remind me again which of these one hundred lumpy townies are actually from the 1930s and which ones just seem like they are based on general vibe.’” –BananaSam

“I was sure that the answer was going to be something like ‘Reeky Rat, as the name suggests, is a filthy rodent who would never voluntarily bathe or shower, except maybe to cover up a crime.’ But yeah, window condensation too, I guess.” –pugfuggly

“What’s that in Rex’s carefully-held-offscreen glass? Prune juice, of course, the better to keep you regular and on a schedule unlike certain mountainous roots-country stars we could mention.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Love Slylock’s expression here. He genuinely CANNOT believe that someone thought they could invoke basic civil rights in his presence. Reeky will learn otherwise when Slylock drowns him in his own bathtub and writes it off as a heart attack on his report.” –ectojazzmage

“Jimmy and I never lived out our dreams to travel the world because his heart gave out due to job stress. That’s not how it was meant to be! He was supposed to have a heart attack next to me while we climbed a monument in South-East Asia!” –Ettorre

“Having thought it over, Stell realized that literally anyone who isn’t Wilbur is worth marrying.” –Craig!

“Yes, Mary, I miss the rush of my Obsessive-Compulsion Disorder in making wedding plans. Now I see the light! The light at the end of the tunnel/hallway I’ll go down to Ed’s animal operating room and say our vows as he euthanizes someone’s (hopefully a guest) dear pet!” –SabeHombre

“Copy/pasting the same image of Snuffy into both panels had some unintended consequences. Not only is Snuffy fishing in Silas’ store but I genuinely couldn’t parse what Snuffy’s can of worms was in this new context. A smashed trophy? A repulsive flesh-colored hat? An idol of some monstrous three-headed hillbilly god?” –Victor Von

“Mary and Stell froze. The dog had just said ‘woof.’ Not barked, but clearly enunciated the word ‘woof.’ Both women started to slowly back away as, half a mile away, Wilbur cursed himself. Half a million dollars on that dog bot, and I blew it by saying ‘woof,’ he thought in despair.” –Voshkod

“Culture has been frozen in time for the last 15-20 years or so, which is pretty helpful for the blissfully out-of-touch old men who make up most of the comic strip industry. Momma was referencing Taylor Swift a decade ago, Apartment 3-G did Beyoncé in 2010, and yet somehow these are two reasonable celebrities for tweens in 2024 to reference. For reference, this is like if Gasoline Alley in 2004 had some little kids think the biggest stars were Cyndi Lauper and Whitney Houston.” –Schroduck

“Oh man, I can’t wait for the new TikTok viral fad, inevitably called The Wilson Sit: Right arm tucked behind your back, left hand resting on your hips, ankles crossed. I urge you to try it yourself, Curmudgeonites! I’m doing it right now (while dictating this comment, obviously), and it’s … weird!” –els

“I like to think they’re just reading an ordinary book and Dennis is making this observation out of the blue.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“‘Our teacher wants us to write about the planets an’ stars.’ ‘Stars like Gloria Swanson and Josephine Baker?’ ‘Oh, right, you were born in 1918, just like this comic strip.’ ‘Yes, which is why I also believe that the Milky Way galaxy encompasses the entire universe, because we didn’t have any scientific method of observing space any farther away!’ ‘Oh, I get it — you’re not dumb, you’re just really old!’ ‘Good job … you’ve finally figured out the true meaning of Gasoline Alley!’” –TD

“‘I’m a magic doll! I can do anything!’ ‘Can you fix our eyes so the villagers stop calling us hideous monsters and forming hunting parties to kill us?’ ‘…I can do almost anything!’” –jroggs

“I think these kids’ next magic school assignment needs to be ‘learn where the library is.’” –Banana Jr. 6000

“There’s a reason his name isn’t ‘Supportive Guy Tracy.’” –picoxorsepulveda, on Bluesky

“A confused Joey thinks, ‘Wait. Is taking a selfish another phrase for going number 2? There’s so much to learn.’” –Hibbleton

“How fiendishly clever is that? Strap a mirror to your face and anyone who wants to shoot you or arrest is, at most extreme, ‘All right, come peacefully, me — I mean you — wait a minute…’ and at the very least they’ll hesitate for an uncomfortable ‘I can’t shoot this guy, there’s something I like about him’ moment.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I feel like Margaret should be correct in an insufferable way, like ‘reminding the teacher they forgot to assign homework,’ not correct in a wholly relatable way, like ‘knowing that nobody wants to see a photo of Joey.’” –Dan

“Wa! Since I live on the floor and no one is watching me, that huge, heavy cookie jar at the edge of the counter could easily fall on my head! Which probably means the cabinet under the sink here with all the cleaning supplies doesn’t have a childproof lock, so at least I’ll get to taste something today!” –BigTed

“The bar floozy is sporting the rarely documented Viking Mullet. Pillaging in the front, party in the back!” –astroboy

“OK but BARNEY in that first panel. The eldritch horror of Barney. Contorted Barney. Barney. is. contorted. The eyes in his head pop and flash! Be he owl or be he man? Be he bedeviled, or bedeviler be he?” –it is an ancient mariner

“A lot of birds eat spiders — so wouldn’t a giant spider be, like, a gourmet feast to these folks? The only thing to be scared of is too many leftovers!” –BigTed

“So it looks like Phantom costumes alter, according to the era of their tenure. Can’t wait to see the one with bell bottoms and platform shoes.” –Pozzo

“‘But that all sounds so stupid now.’ Hey, that’s all right. It sounded stupid the first time, too.” –Peanut Gallery

“Slylock will investigate this, but he holds the shoe store manager as much in contempt as Smitty. Shoes are a relic of the human regime, true sons of the animal revolution go barefoot, like him!” –Ettorre

“It’s true, a hilarious premise like ‘eating a can of dog food by accident’ is simply too radical for newspaper comics. Luckily, Curtis has a found a loophole: you can still describe a funnier comic in their boring comic without actually showing it, thus circumventing the rules of powerful newsprint publishers. Kind of like how you can publish any copyrighted video on YouTube as long as there’s a little square on the bottom right of you ‘reacting’ to it. Comedy is safe again (but for how long?)!” –pugfuggly

“It was nice of the undercover officer to go to all the trouble and cost of creating an enlarged photo so the readers could see the evidence against Smitty. If Smitty put that much trouble into remembering which arm he had his fake cast on, he’d get away with more crimes.” –TheDiva

“In my headcanon, those terrifying children are wizened elves from the Feywild masquerading as kids. Their ‘doll’ and ‘AI’ are still more spirits who’ve come to plague Gertie. Seriously, look at, um, the kid on the left’s eyes. They’re like a doll’s eyes and she’s literally carrying a doll to help illustrate that fact! Wait, do these kids have names? Have they stolen those memories, too? Will they leave me with nothing?!” –Victor Von

“Those AI devices look way more human than those alleged children. At least they look like something a human would build or draw.” –Banana Jr. 6000

“Guys! Where are you going? The stadium is over there! Why are they running towards the practice field? Are they going to the parking lot?” –UncleJeff

“Gotta feel a little bad for those horse thieves. It must be rough trying to find burlap sacks big enough to carry your stolen horses.” –jroggs

“Slouched posture placing the thorax’s center of gravity behind its support, dramatically lengthened forelimbs, shortened knee-to-ankle span, the ever-present antennae? Dagwood should be less concerned with what Honey’s reading than with his advancing case of insectoidism.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Joey’s doing the bug-eyed, tongue-out, steam-from-the-ears thing that cartoon characters used to when they saw a beautiful woman, so I’m assuming this is a classic Dennis malapropism, and he thinks ‘tamale’ is pronounced like ‘female.’” –Schroduck

“Watching these kids hold a food designed to be eaten on a plate with their bare hands and watching Joey burn his tongue implying that the food just came from the steamer basket makes me think that Margaret isn’t really smart as that; she’s just a girl of normal intelligence surrounded by idiots.” –OId Man Shadow

“Imagine being comforted by Dick Tracy, with his hand gently clutching your shoulder. And all the while he’s got his eyes squinched shut, like he can’t bear to look at you. The awkwardness of this situation would probably make me forget what I was initially upset about. ‘So, like, anyway … do you have a Kleenex, because my face is really sweaty. Sorry if it’s grossing you out.’” –made of wince

“Part of Jimmy’s ‘going above and beyond’ included [squints] guarding a fireworks display? ‘Why, I will certainly ensure that only licensed, certified pyrotechnicians are employed by this company! And that all observers maintain the minimum required distance! And I will do so in a cop car straight out of 1974, for some reason.’” –astroboy

“I can personally relate to, and feel sympathy for, someone like Lou who tries to cover his bald scalp with a comb-over. I do have trouble, however, in sympathizing with Lou’s attitude of ‘Oh, what the heck. Three-quarters of the way across is good enough.’ Buy a toupee, Lou.” –seismic-2

“Those are some odd choices for fantasy heroes. Prince is an inborn trait. Pirate is a type of criminal. Cowboy is a job, same as tech support, so he should be on the Actual Hero side if you like beef and dairy products.” –Anonymous

“Love me, love my thousand dying dogs.” –Gerry Quinn

“Thrill to the slightly stiff finger drama! Gaze in awe as ‘just wearing a splint’ probably fixes it! Gasp in terror as the slim prospect of surgery still remains! Wonder briefly about the patient’s romantic life!” –Chance

“Narration box clearly doesn’t think trigger finger is a real condition.” –Dan

“No, Truck, it was as recently as Friday when June Morgan distinctly told you that if the splint and medications don’t fix it, then next they’ll try cortisone injections, and only if that fails too then they’ll resort to surgery. Is this story arc so boring that even you don’t bother to read it any more? (Yes.)” –seismic-2

“I stick by a theory I recently posited that Camp Swampy is a big psychological experiment by the Army to test the boundaries of soldiers under duress from poor leadership. Can a cook order a private to guard the food specifically against his immediate commanding officer? The results will be studied in a dark room of the Pentagon, and the findings will inform future tests.” –Philip

“Is this a feline retelling of the nativity story?” –johnny lt

“I too like to verbalize my frustrations over a breakup by sitting my pets down at the dinner table, cry-eating ice cream in front of them, and expositing to them precisely what’s going on. Although I don’t know about putting my elbows on the table. I’ve still got some dignity.” –Amelie Wikström

“So, after every meal I take these Herbalife supplements. Let me show you our exciting new product line!” –Peanut Gallery

“If you gave a printer a handjob to completion, would it ejaculate ink or paper? Today’s Beetle Bailey answers that question at least.” –Schroduck

“I’m not sure why, but I find those extra m’s on ‘yum’ really off-putting. It’s a sandwich, man, get a grip.” –pugfuggly

“Sometimes you have to appreciate how some comics are just a job that you have to churn out by a deadline when the artist has blank pages being spit out by the, sure, we’ll accept that’s a printer. A few lines on the papers to indicate something is actually being printed? That’s precious golf time!” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Dagwood read the Book of Exodus and decided that putting pepperoni above his front door was a way to tell the angel of death ‘Please take my first born, but leave my pizza alone!’” –Ettorre

“Blondie shamelessly caters to its readers’ fantasies: having kids who are impressed by their parents’ bullshit.” –matt w

“Truck Tyler Featuring Mud Mountain on Guitar With Special Opening Act Shorty and Beanpole. There will be no refunds.” –Liam

“I was stressed about wedding planning … now I’m stressed that you brought over a dozen muffins just for the two of us.” –Hibbleton

“George and Martha Wilson are a 99-year-old male and 95-year-old female being admitted to hospice services jointly with a terminal diagnosis of E.905.1 Lack of Style. They currently reside at 2253 Pine Street, next to Alice and Henry Mitchell and the Mitchell’s five-year-old son Dennis, who serves as the Wilson’s Power of Attorney.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“‘Ed ghosted me, Mary. I guess he just doesn’t have the rizz. Skibidi … Sigma?’ ‘Oh, Stella. I vibe you, gurl.’ Somewhere, you hear the souls of millions of Gen Z cry out in agony and then are silenced. Their youth is behind them. Their future is newspaper comics.” –OId Man Shadow