“There’s far more interesting story that we’re not being told in Blondie. Dumb kid with fighting parents, boring. Who stole Blondie’s voice, and what sort of quest they’ll send her on to recover it, that’s a good tale. I’m thinking Dagwood sold her voice to the Devil in exchange for free food.” –Voshkod

“The police wrist wizards in Dick Tracy are large because of the integrated hi-res body cam. The recordings are used not in court cases, though, but in a weekly game show in which a prize is awarded to the cop dealing out the best, most imaginative violence to criminals.” –Gerry Quinn

“I really think this strip should consider changing its name to Least Of All, Spider-Man.” –pugfuggly

“I usually think of malapropisms about habitual lawbreakers as the Snuffy Smif beat, but I guess for this set up to work the characters have to be able to read.” –matt w

“Max Mouse is reciting a crime puzzle while balancing on a log in front of a fire with his shirt off. This is the weirdest key party ever.” –Glod Gloddson

“Save room for dessert! We’re having Giant Bowl of Flour!” –Peanut Gallery

“Ted Miller is an anagram for ‘red millet.’ Clearly Mary is getting tired of sharing bland white flour with Jeff, and is ready to cook with an alternative grain, if you know what I mean.” –BigTed

“Wow! Snuffy Smith today perfectly illustrates the Atlantic article I just read about the idea of food deserts. Despite her botanical knowledge (and possibility of reaching a Whole Foods by broom? Maybe?), her food choices reflect her locale and culture and are deeply entrenched.” –Janna L., on Twitter

“I just love that Granny Creeps is buying blonde hair dye. I can imagine her back home in her hovel, surrounded by glass jars full of grotesque animal parts suspended in some nasty liquid and staring at her green visage in a cracked looking glass. ‘Y’know what the fellers would find fetching? Blonde tresses!’” –Joe Momma

“‘Meet my Mary‘ indeed! Because don’t we all have a Mary, in a very real and muffiney sense?” –Hopester

“When the forces of earth move outward to conquer the rest of the solar system, I hope we attack the asteroid belt with Mark’s battle cry on our lips, ‘Remember the dinosaurs!’” –seismic-2

“How timely! Ripped from today’s headlines: Mr. Dithers calls Marlene into his office to watch him masturbate.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Dagwood engages in some teen-text-speak of his own. MFGBL in this context is clearly Make Facebook Give Bumstead Likes. If it weren’t for me keeping up with the hip kids of today, you fellow ‘mudges would never learn these cool, new things. You’re welcome.” –Hogenmogen

“‘What totally bored person would even care about what I do?’ is a little too on-the-nose for a meta-comment about the Blondie strip.” –nescio

“Blondie has a long tradition of Mr. Dithers abusing Dagwood for not working. Those lazy workers, amirite? But today we glimpse the real truth — it’s not like the boss actually does work for his money either. He just hypocritically blames his subordinates. I say this subversive deconstruction of our class system is long overdue in newspaper comics, and if it has to be disguised as a joke that doesn’t quite make sense, so be it.” –pachoo

“The likelihood that Doc is yelling into the phone at his AA sponsor makes this the saddest Mark Trail ever.” –Where’s Rocky

“I’m guessing that mirror behind the Keane parents is actually a two-way mirror, confirming my suspicions that the Keane Kompound is actually a long-running psychological experiment.” –Andrew

“Bil reads the paper aloud as Thel tries to interpret the news according to the Book of Revelation.” –lumaca morente

“For at least a decade (probably two), Radiohead have been more into droning ambient electronica than any catchy rock stuff that anyone might scream at. I’m pretty sure that in keeping with Marvin’s themes of awful humans doing awful things, Jeff and Jenny just spent the whole evening yelling ‘PLAY CREEP’ at the top of their voices to spoil everyone else’s enjoyment of ‘Lotus Flower.’” –Schroduck

“The contact lenses Mary uses to hide her yellow snake eyes appear to be slipping out of place in that first panel. Is she preparing to unhinge her jaw and consume Ted Miller, the latest sacrifice brought to her by her faithful high priest Dr Jeff? Find out next week on Mary Worth: Snake Goddess.” –Truckosaurus

“Smash cut to Mary and Ted trying to drum up venture capital for their muffin business while a 28-year-old dead-eyed investment banker asks them how they’re going to connect baked goods to an app. ‘Like Uber for muffins!” Ted desperately blurts out.” –Dan

“Wilbur looks less like he’s out for a brisk morning walk and more like he’s practicing for the Santa Royale Community Theater production of The Music Man.” –TheDiva

“Hey Spiderman! You either managed to find the last nurse in North America to wear a skirt on the job since the ’70s, or you’re talking to a themed stripper.” –Peter of the Norse

“Peter has found a way to be useful which requires him sitting on a comfy chair without taking active actions. This is the best day of his life!” –Ettore

“You’d think Baxter Bat would be the one solving all these mysteries, since the solution is always printed right-side-up from his point-of-view.” –Duke of Earl Grey

“And the coffee pot never tells the truth! You may ask ONE question.” –Windier E. Megatons, on Twitter

“We can assume Jeffy is the one trying to use a sled on level ground.” –nescio

“Take it down a notch with the one up-man-ship, Coach. It’s polite convo over dinner prep, not the Debate Team Shout Offs or what have you.” –Tonya

“There actually was a Puerto Rican ballplayer named Jorge Padilla; he was a right fielder for the Washington Nationals in 2009. Meanwhile, a woman named Paloma Padilla acted in a short Mexican horror film called Sexxxion Premium, which could explain her anger.” –BigTed

“I can’t help but like Wilbur, especially in today’s comic where I imagine he’s strutting through an empty park while quietly singing the Bee Gees’ ‘Staying Alive’ to himself.” –Escape Zeppelin

“I guess Camp Swampy is backwards enough that they were assigned a phrenologist as the camp’s doctor. Killer should be happy; I’m sure at least one of those bumps will improve his chances with the ladies.” –Dr. Dread

“IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE OF ALL THE CONCUSSIONS!” –Lorne

“Although the choice of a manual-transmission pickup, the uninterrupted diet of RC Cola and Moon Pie, and the callous dismissal of common-sense precautions in the operation of a motor vehicle all help to identify the lifestyle of the driver, what is really telling is the vanity license plate PLUGR. Pluggers have a very low bar of ‘vanity,’ and they can’t spell.” –seismic-2

“‘The history of every war ever fought’ sounds like a fun topic for elementary school history. Are they doing it in chronological order (maybe starting with the Kish-Elam War between rival Sumerian states, or the Nubia Campaign of Pharaoh Hor-Aha), or alphabetical order (jumping from the 9th century Abbasid Civil War to post-Soviet Abkahzian War to the British Empire’s Abyssinian War, all the way to the Zulu War and the Mongolian Zunghar Invasion)? Either way, learning the history of these wars seems pretty open-ended. Elmo will probably have to start learning about the Syrian Civil War by studying the Sunni-Shia schism of 632, but maybe the nice teacher will let him off easy and begin with Sykes-Picot in 1916.” –Schroduck

“Oh, sure. Pluggers multitask behind the wheel and everyone’s raving about how quaint and clever they are. I play Pokemon Go while driving one time, and everyone’s all, ‘Keep your eyes on the road!’ and ‘That man had a family, you monster!’” –JJ48

“I, for one, am very much looking forward to finding out how Jimmy Buffet managed to claim the title of King of the Moon.” –pugfuggly

“I’d like to think that Thel is straight-up changing PJ on the kitchen counter while Jeffy apparently prepares to do his duty down the basement steps.” –lumaca morente

“That’s a guy he’s grabbing in panel 2 and a woman in panel 3. The Lizard will go amok, taking pulses of the entire hospital staff, and revealing this information out loud, in clear violation of HIPAA.” –Hogenmogen

“Yes, Wilbur, Dawn’s history of pursuing extremely unhealthy yet strangely asexual relationships with much older men certainly speaks to what a wonderful job you’ve done as a father.” –Aphthakid

“Roz has always been drawn as incredibly buxom, almost as lovingly detailed as Aunt Fritzi. I assume there is an audience for this type of thing.” –Rusty

“If you are trying to convince me that holding ostrich races with monkey jockeys would be a bad idea, you have failed, Mark Trail.” –Dread

“Mary’s fresh muffins are made with raisins, bran and a lot of love. But mostly bran. These two won’t be worrying about their love lives for at least the next couple of hours, because they’ll be busy fighting over the bathroom.” –BigTed

“You can only see a tiny bit of the animal trivia mural he painted on his wall, which reads:

HAMMERHEAD SHARKS
HAVE SEVEN SENSES” –Schroduck, on Twitter

“Joey hasn’t even started going to school yet. You’re not a menace, Dennis, you’re an asshole.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Chip’s look of disgust in the penultimate panel is priceless. ‘Oh, man,’ he thinks. ‘There go my afternoon plans of swimming naked in the town square, begging the populace for spare change, and siccing my dogs on unsuspecting passersby.’” –Joe Blevins

“This rare blood type, is it purple? Because that’s what’s coming out of Connor.” –Hogenmogen

“I didn’t have Newspaper Spider-Man pegged as a public transit advocate, but what better way to avoid gridlock and reach major employment centers like hospitals than Miami Metro?” –NoVan

“Change dot org petition to prevent any Funkyverse character from ever again being referred to as an ‘Old Baller.’” –Dan

“The Weston family calendar looks pretty empty, now that Wilbur’s erased ‘splashing’ and ‘stalking’ from his schedule. ‘Eating four more muffins’ does not count as a life-plan, buddy.” –Hopesters

“Today Wilbur starts his new book, I Survived but I Wish I Hadn’t.” –Mikey

“No I didn’t misspeak. When I say see him laugh, I mean it. As we’re solely a visual medium void of all sounds. I’m not sure whether to be thankful that I can’t hear these assholes I have to spend time with, or … no, scratch that, I am very very thankful.” –DimensionalOtter

“Giraffes are gentle herbivores but when it comes to Rusty I hope they’ll make an exception.” –Escape Zeppelin

“Ah, I see the squirrels of Lost Forest have finally completed their giraffe-mech. Let’s watch that little bastard Andy chase them now!” –Voshkod

“The Lockhorns are ‘life partners‘ because it’s not legal in their state to marry your identical cousin.” –Miles O’Thrillhouse, on Twitter

“That’s the response of a mom who offered to help earlier in the week and is now smugly watching their child try to complete the project as the bus approaches. THIS mid-morning sherry will be extra sweet.” –Kevin on Earth

“The shovel’s purpose is clear. This is now the only way that Bull can have a bowel movement. If a bear shits in the woods, a Bull shits on the football field.” –seismic-2

“Aside from any of the women at all, is there a duller Funky Winkerbean character than Buck? He’s sort of a lunkhead ex machina.” –Uncle Lumpy

“If Lucky Eddie is literate at all (unlikely) it would be in the rune marks of his people, certainly not in handwritten modern English. I think he’s disturbed because he can only assume the incomprehensible chirography on the woman’s hand is some form of eldritch script and he’s doomed to go mad from even a glimpse of it.” –TheDiva

“Ok, Hagar might lose points for ignoring their illiteracy, but you have to give some credit for the woman’s outfit. Sure, at first glance it looks like a low-cut pink top of today. But they went out of their way to show the whole thing was woven from coarse scratchy fibers, something from before their were more comfortable fabrics. The color would have to be orchil so is quite faded, reflecting a time when such garments would be expensive enough to pass down as heirlooms. And I don’t know that Norse women actually turned away would-be suitors by carrying dismembered hands to set them up with, but it seems plausible.” –pachoo