Post Content

It’s the first Friday of the month, and you know what that means: the Internet Read Aloud returns to the Clubhouse in Los Angeles! The last few shows have been really magical and hilarious and I think this one’s gonna be great too.

This month’s topics include #teens, Craigslist (remember Craigslist????), emails, and more. Here’s the Facebook event, if you are interested!

And now! Your comment … of the week!

“Leave it to a doctor to take Dawn to the only snout-to-tail restaurant in town, the better to instruct her on the intricacies of porcine anatomy. And leave it to Dawn to find the one square-shaped item on the menu, which she seductively lifts while holding a fork in her hand like a baby.” –BigTed

And your hilarious runners up!

“I suppose that this could turn out to be a story about the difficult and dangerous fight against addiction, but that seems a little too complex and interesting for this strip. I’m thinking that it’s just as likely that the Morgans wake up tomorrow to find that Margie has absconded with a bunch of their appliances, and the central conflict of the next few weeks revolves around picking out a new TV.” –pugfuggly

“But Ned, I insist you use a condom. Not this one though, it has fork holes.” –Chelsea

“Why did you never think you’d hear yourself say that, Spider-Man? Did you not want me to get married? Why would you even care? Wait, are you Peter Parker? Are you Peter fucking Parker? Oh my god, why didn’t I think of that sooner? I spend a considerable amount of time with both of you, neither of you ever shuts up, and your voices are the exact same!” –Joe Blevins

“I can’t help but think of the people in these other apartments/hotel rooms. ‘Is there someone in the hallway, dear?’ ‘Let me check. Oh, it’s only some weirdo in a superhero costume talking to another creepy dude about marrying an old woman.’ ‘So, what’s for dinner?’” –Joe Momma

“It tells us all we need to know that Slylock is unwilling to allow Max to use any of his air even though Max is clearly attempting to make the common diver’s ‘let’s share air’ gesture. Meanwhile the sea creatures look on in shock and frustration, deeply aware that they’ll never be able to get that bathyscaphe open. That tasty, tender mouse flesh will rot away before their very eyes, always out of reach.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Sheriff Don Stober, Union Army officer re-enactor and regular winner of the Lawman of the Year Award, grimly inspects the sight on his rifle — though he’s already confident that his weapon is in good working order. Without even checking, he knows the comfortable presence of the fully loaded pair of antique six-shooters, and feels their comfortable weight as they lie hidden in the leather holster now buckled snugly under the voluminous folds of his uniform coat. Then he suddenly winces when he feels the bite of his trusty tomahawk; the blade presses into his back, painfully, but he is reassured knowing that the axe rests securely in his waistband, ready for action. He’s well armed, he knows, but instinctively, he feels something is still missing, and senses he is yet unprepared for what is in front of him. He absently strokes the full length of his sideburn, frowning as he reviews the situation for the umpteenth time. ‘If only I had a decent umbrella,’ he worries.” –Charterstoned

“Tomorrow’s Slylock Fox: During a poorly managed dive with substandard equipment and insufficient air supplies, Max developed severe barotrauma brought about by the sudden release of high-pressure air into a hermetically sealed tank. How will Slylock avoid getting charged with gross negligence?” –Schroduck

“I’m starting a betting pool on when Leroy pukes all over himself. I’ve got just outside the door.” –Lawyerbob

“Yes, parson, I’ve been tempted. Tempted to steal Yakov Smirnoff’s schtick!” –Peanut Gallery

“Mommy said I could be a Wonder Woman even if I don’t wear the costume, and so I said ‘Yeah, but what about the three grand product placement fee?’ She wised up pretty quick, I tell you.” –Mysterious Shirtless Lawyer

“Wonder Woman came out two months ago, so this is dangerously close to being topical for a legacy comic strip. At least it’s still not in danger of being funny.” –Slick Whitman

“Alice is giving Henry the side-eye for not telling her that this dinner is black-tie.” –Dan Wade, on Twitter

“As Dad would say, ‘Help! I’m in the early stages of Alzheimer’s! Please stop standing around and making stupid jokes about me!’” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“If they’re actually sealing Crankshaft in a giant tent and gassing him until he’s free of roaches, I’m all for it.” –Steve S

“‘Yeah. Johnny.’ ‘Yeah. He’s at a tough age to market. Most people want to buy babies, raise them as their own, or older kids, because the organs are better developed and can survive harvesting. A kid like that, maybe we can get ten bucks a pound for the meat? Is it worth it, Doc?’” –Voshkod

“So help me God this had better end with Tyrannus officiating the Melvin/May (or Mayvin, as the shippers say) wedding.” –Janna, on Twitter

“Rocky, what do you think Sarge will do to us when he sees we spilled that top secret invisibility formula on the building?” –Charles Nelson, really

“According to a 2016 FBI report, gang-related activity in the US military is increasing and poses a threat to law enforcement officials. This is disturbing from both a national security perspective AND from a ‘Walker Inc. accidentally did a timely gag about modern military life‘ perspective.” –Her Father, John Darling

“OK, who had ‘Mark explodes a bush‘ square in the What’s Mark Trail Gonna Explode Next Pool?” –Baka Gaijin

“PETA is going to be really angry about Mark Trail’s low-budget Thelma and Louise reboot.” –Dread

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

Post Content

Hey y’all! Next week the live comedy show I host, the Internet Read Aloud, returns to the Clubhouse in Los Angeles! The last few shows have been really magical and hilarious and I think this one’s gonna be great too.

This month’s topics include #teens, Craigslist (remember Craigslist????), emails, the Beatles, and more. Here’s the Facebook event, if you are interested!

And with that out of the way, let’s enjoy some COTW goodness!

“I’m going to have one horse ride on the other horse’s back. Then I’ll get on the top horse. On second thought, can I borrow three horses? One of them has to be pretty strong. No? You don’t understand sheriff stuff, do you?” –made of wince

These other comments were very close to being COTW-worthy:

“Wilson is weakening: in the fifth panel he has what I hope is the hose aimed squarely for Dennis’s head. Once you get your prey in your crosshairs, you fire, Wilson! Not learning proper military procedure is the real menace.” –Charles Nelson,Really!

“In Silas’s dream, he is now free to go back to not wearin’ shoes, as th’ Good Lord intended.” –Pozzo

“Coincidentally enough, Mr. Wilson has an example of an ancient calendar hanging in his own garage. It features pinup models in short, tight dresses standing in front of 1967-era convertibles.” –BigTed

“‘As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic vermin having sex with a dog as part of some weird lady’s cuckold fetish’ was too strange and disturbing, even for Kafka. Not so for Six Chix.” –Effluvius Erratus

“Movie clerk looks pretty upset about having brought Leroy Lockhorn a brief moment of fleeting joy. Understandable, though.” –Dan

“Good to see Thel staying completely covered up from the neck down. Some might see it as slavish adherence to the Keane Kompound dictates for the clothing of women of breeding age, but in reality it’s her long-term plan to get rid of her husband and children through the wonders of melanoma. No need for sunscreen, she tells them — that’s just a trick of godless science!” –But What Do I Know?

“‘Hotdog cleavage’ is simultaneously the worst thing comics have ever put in my head and the name of my new band.” –Keep the brand strong

“Uh-oh, looks like Dawn is about to add another notch to her bedpost! (Is the bedpost where you keep a record of boring, chemistry-free relationships? Perhaps she will add a notch to her flatpack IKEA dresser instead.)” –TheDiva

“I don’t know where you came up with ‘a little gassy,’ Ned, but golly, are we lucky you did! I already had the scalpel in hand and was calling ‘There’s no time for anesthesia!’ when you found that one in … what was that book? A doctor book or something?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Is it a coincidence that ‘real buzzer beater’ contains all the letters of Beelzebub, lord of flies? Going by the insects circling Henry’s head, I’d say no.” –Schroduck

“The lag time between writing and publishing a daily comic makes it pretty certain Dennis‘s writer thought this up during the NBA finals and then couldn’t wait until next year to unleash its humor on society. I’m looking forward to future time-lagged ‘punchlines’ like: ‘Can I have my cereal in this SUPERBOWL?’ (holds up large bowl at breakfast table, March 2018, menacing because Dennis doesn’t care about copyright and trademark law, to hell with the NFL) ‘Looks like Margaret could’ve used some more SPRING TRAINING’ (Margaret wincing by broken pogo stick, August 2019, menacing because Dennis both laughs at Margaret’s injuries and emphasizes that in sports, women are still considered second-class entertainment), and ‘I guess Mr. Wilson was right, we are a RED STATE.’ (Carrying a bloody machete, December 2020, menacing because he’s slaughtered his family and is now heading for Joey’s house.)” –Briane

“Somehow this manages to make the whole concept of humor less funny and the whole concept of sex less sexy, both at the same time.” –Larry McAwful

“In any other strip, ‘Have you been spying on me?’ would be a ridiculous question on its face, given that the alleged spy is 1. wearing a conspicuous Spider-Man costume and 2. alerting the Mole Man to his presence with a hilariously secretive ‘Psst!’ But since this is Peter Parker we’re talking about, it’s a legitimate inquiry. ‘Have you been spying on me?’ ‘What? Wait — what AM I doing here? Spying on you? Sure, let’s go with that!’” –Kevin Forest Moreau, on Facebook

“But how did Killer get in the hospital? My guess is either mace or syphilis.” –Steve S

“I think randomly shouting out the term ‘old timers’ is simply Ed’s way of reminding the others, ‘Hey, you degenerates, remember the elderly! We exist, we’re everywhere, and we don’t cotton to this loose talk! Now keep your mind on your painting, and stop all this jibber jabbering. In fact, let’s complete this task in total, tense silence.’” –Joe Blevins

“‘We’ve had three confirmed tornadoes and it won’t be long before they’re too close for comfort, because if there’s one thing that’s predictable it’s tornadoes. And I need horses. Totally impervious to tornadoes. Now get down to the storm cellar before you witness my face melting,’ said Don Stober, the alien visitor whose research totally misled him about what earthlings are really like.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Looking at that mustache and sideburns, I assume the ‘Ghost Town’ is the hipster Brooklyn hangout where he’s the bartender.” –Lawyerbob

“I really hope that today someone is reading Pluggers for the first time and assumes that an old man is just casually noticing that he’s transformed into a human-dog hybrid, as if it’s just another weird little quirk about the aging process.” –pugfuggly

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

Post Content

It’s your comment of the week! Enjoy!

“Ok, I was wrong that Melvin would have needed super strength to carry so much gold. He got his giant worm to do it, so his ability is actually having friends, or at least being able to work with others. But those are still special powers in this comic, right?” –pachoo

It’s also your runners up! Enjoy these too!

“That’s my surprise — my son, Johnny. See, Johnny, I said ‘surprise’ this time, not ‘mistake.’ That’s better, right?” –BigTed

“Runaway trains hurtle, careen, or crash. They do not throb.” –Lorne

“Sure, it was exciting when they announced that the next star of Doctor Who would be female. But it’s only when Mark Trail announces that previously-unmentioned bank robbery accomplice #2 is also a woman that you see what a truly golden age we live in for female representation in the arts.” –Schroduck

“So the Rapid City FBI office is on the 7th floor of the Regional Hospital? Of course! That’s where the male pattern-baldness treatment program does business.” –Dennis Jimenez

“And that, friends, wraps up another thrilling Spider-Man adventure. Aunt May is going to marry an international criminal. ‘Melvin’ looted the national treasury of billions in gold and jewels. Aunt Anna has gotten laid by a real Hollywood publicist. That damn fire escape has been pulled down and destroyed. Welp, off to San Francisco, to meet new friends and new challenges!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Even though I grew up there, seeing South Dakota mentioned over and over in Mark Trail gives me the sense that it’s a fictional place.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“It appears that Rex is enjoying being a part of this strip just about as much as I enjoy reading it.” –Red Delicious

“‘And there are other mentions of you elsewhere on the internet’ could be a very menacing phrase of it weren’t directed at the two most dull people on earth. ‘TWO WASPS RAISE MILQUETOAST CHILDREN! WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL BORE YOU.'” –pugfuggly

“Seems to me sending a birth announcement to the hometown newspaper is more like something June’s mom would do. Which leads to the thought: why don’t we ever see June or Rex’s parents? I mean, I get it, Rex is an incredibly lifelike man machine, but June is presumably a normal human female? Or does the uncanny valley defined by Sarah repel even the strongest of meddling grandparent?” –pastordan

“It could explain why no one ever ages. Dennis, Mr. Wilson, everyone, they’re all clones. Normally they’re released as needed to replace their older selves but the mechanism is breaking down. It’s sending out more and more Dennis clones. It’s time to begin the culling.” –WLP

“Look, Mark Trail, I read the comics to escape. Continuing to feature a series of middle-aged office workers becoming increasingly confused about a series of rapidly changing facts is a little too close to home for my liking.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“The strip needs to get back to its roots, showing random wildlife lovingly drawn in close up for no reason at all. There’s plenty of room on these guys’ foreheads to place a duck or raccoon.” –Rusty

“His name is John Carter — his daddy’s choice. Well, actually I don’t know who his daddy is, but we had sex in a theatre screening John Carter, because it was empty.” –Ettore

“It’s for work! I’m a grape.” –Ukulele Ike

“What I love about that old Mark Trail you linked to is how the ponytailed bank robber is fretting about the FBI. ‘They have that facial recognition software!’ When we in the audience know that that it took the FBI several weeks of obsessively re-watching the video to even figure out that one of the robbers is a woman. I think you’re okay, guys.” –Rita Lake

“C’mon, Jeffy. He’s wagging his ass in your face again. It would so easy to just reach up and push him over. Do it. Dooooooo iiiiiiiiiit.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“‘They remember even longer than mommies!’ ‘That’s because they don’t have access to sweet, sweet booze,’ Thel whispers, as she reaches for her flask to take a few ladylike nips.” –Voshkod

“While I appreciate the inclusion of a Johnny Cash/Carter Family cameo, the artist has denied us the opportunity to see Rex’s face at the exact second he learns his smug supposition was incorrect.” –Joe Blevins

“In spite of the romantic turn the strip is taking I’m going to hold on to the belief that all the characters reproduce asexually, like corals or sponges. It helps explain their appearances.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“He killed himself driving drunk and left his boy to be raised by a single mama. Now, that’s taking a country music obsession a little far.” –Where’s Rocky

“Fortunately, he’s dead now, although I’m still feeling guilty for thinking that, so let me compensate by feeling sorry for myself. And how are you, June? Do you ever feel bad about being vastly overpaid for whatever it is that you do?” –But What Do I Know?

“Jaquan ‘The Don’ Case was a very transparent stand-in for LeBron James back when LeBron was still a high school phenom. Trey Davis ended up going to College of Charleston and I am pretty sure was drawn to be black back in 2003, and Hadley V. Baxendale discovered that Jaquan really loved studying and convinced him to go to college for 4 years and not make a trillion dollars in the pros, in the days before the NBA’s age minimum, when his school, Bishop James Tardy, replaced one of the lesser Valley Conference foes (Goshen?) when their entire team was suspended for drinking in the Drinking Cave. Look, I hate that I can recall all of these plot points with ease, but in my defense, I know absolutely nothing about Funky Winkerbean, so I can continue clinging to the remains of my self-esteem.” –Drew Funk

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.