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Hey guys! A while back I threatened to use the COTW metapost to also plug my own writing, and I had not one but three pieces published this week!

• “Mr. Toretto’s Neighborhood,” at MEL Magazine, is one of my favorite things I’ve written in a while! It’s about how I moved into a new part of town and discovered that I was at ground zero for Fast and Furious fandom. You know I love specialized enthusiast communities, so this is right up my alley! And also right up the street from me.
• I also wrote a couple slideshows for CSO Online: “Security is no fiction,” about tech security as portrayed (mostly poorly) in sci-fi films and movies, and “How to keep IT security at the forefront during a merger,” about what happens when a company and another company love each other very much (they merge, and then their security all goes to hell).

Also, a reminder: I’m cooking up a redesign of the site, to be unveiled at the start of 2017! If you haven’t already done so, please take this survey to help guide our decision-making process, won’t you?

And now, at long last, your comment of the week!

“‘VAMPIRE CAR DESTROYED’. Subtitle: ‘Headline Raises More Questions Than It Answers.’” –Dan

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Cleveland State will be sanctioned by the NCAA (National Collegiate Artists Association) for violating strict rules of amateurism.” –Philip Moon, on Twitter

“If only this story would end with Tommy on top of a Vicodin factory in a shoot out with the DEA yelling ‘I’ll do my best, Ma!’” –Zeroworld

“And all this because Tommy tried to lift a single, modest-sized cardboard box for his mother. This whole story has been a cautionary tale about the dangers of moving, even from one apartment to another. The status quo: Embrace it or else.” –Joe Blevis

“‘I worry that someday I may lose my moral compass,’ says the baby left unattended in a park.” –Chareth Cutestory

“I didn’t have a beard back then and you’ve grown three feet! Whoa, havin’ an acid flashback here. Keep on truckin’!” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Unfortunately, there is no ‘coffee.’ Someday, far in the future, we may find some magic herb that will grant us the ability to stay up late into the night without being tired. But who knows what kind of unintended consequences that will bring to our simple society?! Will the demons of our dreams find a way to escape from our heads if we stay up too late? Will we yawn so wide that we will swallow the seas? Maybe ‘coffee’ will be the end of the earth as we know it… Anyhow, here’s a dagger: stab yourself in the leg if you get too tired.” –pugfuggly

“Hey, Slylock. You want a mystery to solve? Why don’t you explain to us how Harry Ape got out of the car without room to open any of the doors.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“The bonfire wasn’t cancelled. They’ve chopped down all the trees within a hundred miles of Milford and moved on to more creative fuel sources. Just look at all those bodies piled up and ready to ignite.” –Steve S

“A typical family night at the Keane Kompund: PJ is pretending his family is driving over a cliff, Dolly is looking in a catalog for a new Mommy, Jeffy is practicing for his future career as a 3-card monte hustler, and Billy is wiping his ass on the couch.” –seismic-2

“Not only is Billy wearing his shoes while he’s standing on the couch, those shoes are untied. I am going to assume he went for the trifecta and also has them on the wrong feet.” –Francis

“Was there any flatulence, Tommy? Go on. You can tell me – I’m a doctor. Describe it in detail. ‘De tail,’ heh heh. Get it? Doctor humor. Anyway, go on” –Christine Lehman, on Facebook

“Alternate caption rejected by the syndicate: To senior pluggers, intimate relations consist of a good back rub and a kiss on the cheek, because they understand that dogs and chickens are not really meant to have sexual intercourse with each other.” –Joshua K.

“The Plugger Community Playhouse’s take on Dracula leaves much to be desired. While we must acknowledge the daring choice of reversing the traditional genders of the titular vampire and his victim, now styled as Mister Dino Harker, the play was generally as flaccid as the lead actor. Also – and we cannot be the first to note this – casting a chicken as Bram Stoker’s horrific Count Dracula strains credulity, as it must be noted that chicken, and birds in general, do not have teeth, and thus cannot drain the life-blood from their victims. Thus, while the lead actress attempted to appear menacing with a forceful pecking, the audience was left, not with terror, but with the impression of witnessing a barnyard scuffle for grain. 1 and 1/2 stars.” –Voshkod

“It’s a good thing they spent the time and trouble to take on the additional weight (and therefore fuel costs) on their yacht to make sure they had firewood they couldn’t use until the end of a several-thousand-mile journey from New Zealand to Hawaii. Wood doesn’t grow on trees, you know.” –Dutch Dollar

“It’s possible Leroy is a demon. Some sort of foul, immortal hellspawn in a hastily thrown-together human suit. It would explain a lot.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“‘His Arch-nemesis, Junior.’ For those that thought ‘The Riddler’ was too unnerving.” –Pozzo

“That headline could just as easily been: ‘Police Chief Holds Newspaper.’” –Kevin on Earth

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Hello, friends! If you’re reading this, you’re no doubt a regular or semi-regular reader of this li’l website, the Comics Curmudgeon. I’m doing a redesign later this year — no major surgery, but it’s time for a facelift, particularly for the mobile site — and would like to get some data and feedback to guide me! If you would be so kind, click here to take the user survey I’ve come up with. Please note that this survey doesn’t collect any personal information that you don’t actively put into it, and I won’t share the results with anyone except the redesign team (which is me, Uncle Lumpy, and Adam Norwood). It shouldn’t take too long and it will really help me out. Thanks in advance!

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Hello all! Please enjoy this week’s delicious comment of the week!

“Hmm, what’s SAMHSA? I think it’s ‘Son And Mother’s Hair Styled Alike.’” –Doctor Handsome

This week’s runner-up comments of the week are also very tasty!

“Who needs real friends when you got these critters, all of whom are ready to pounce on your soul and swallow it? That’s how it works, isn’t it? I don’t get technology. [applies Liquid Paper to tablet]” –made of wince

“‘We’ve found a girl!’ ‘Over here! I’ve found another girl!’ ‘And here’s a third one! And… oh never mind, they’re all parts of the same girl.'” –seismic-2

“That shotgun isn’t for home defense. It’s likely the Triple J wakes up every morning and presses the barrel of the shotgun against his forehead and thumbs the trigger guard while grimly reciting his reasons for staying alive. Once his faith in that day is restored, he dresses and goes to the office.” –Johnny Knuckles

“I wonder if Slylock’s ‘adventures’ (for lack of a better term) are a form of propaganda for the Glorious Animal Regime? By spending all his time solving minor cases of vandalism and fraud with basic logical thinking, he’s demonstrating how the GAR is so free of crime and vice that the highly efficient police force devotes all their time to these minor problems. I’ll bet Count Weirdly is a fictional construct designed to focus anti-human sentiment, like Emmanuel Goldstein.” –TheDiva

“I get the sense that basically this pilot would rather have stayed home in bed all day, and he wishes Mark had never come into his life at all. Why can’t everyone just stay put and mind their own business? Why would any species want to invade anything? It’s just too exhausting.” –made of wince

“The island has been stable for years. We’ll be in and out in a day. The chance of this thing blowing on the one particular day that we’re here is practically none. Practically none… Did I mention that I once got into a cave just in time for an earthquake? Yup, it destroyed an array of crystals that had been growing there for a dozen millennia at least, and then rrrrummmble and it was trashed. Well, put this bird down close to the volcano’s mouth. I’m certain that’s where the fire ants must be swarming.” –hogenmogen

“I spent a while trying to figure out the difference between Predator and Predinator. This is as far as I got: a Predator is a vicious alien trophy hunter feared throughout the galaxy, and a Predinator is something that likes humping school buses.” –Schroduck

“‘The island has been quiet for several years now but has had minor eruptions in the past? So it’s kind of like my sex life!’ is something Mark Trail could say if he had a sex life or indeed any concept of human sexual relations.” –Steve S

“‘Aren’t there any wars to cover?’ says an American reporter in 2016. ‘If not, I just woke up from a sixteen-year coma, maybe that’s worth covering?'” –Dan

“The ploy will work, with Junior’s 98F temperature reading being taken for Marvin’s. Sadly, a dog’s average temperature is 102.5F, meaning that Junior only has days to live. Depending on your definition of ‘sadly.'” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“What does it benefit Tina if she manages to avoid those boring ‘sports and weather’ questions, but has to field twice as many ‘What the fuck is your problem?’ questions?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“One month later Tina had to get a tattoo on her chin that said, ‘And please talk about something other than my forehead tattoo.’ This led to the addition of ‘I know what you’re going to say’ on her right cheek followed by ‘Don’t even try to surprise me’ on her left cheek, then ‘I never imagined the consequences’ in bold Gothic font around her neck. Eventually Tina’s habit of collecting things people said to her and having those tattooed all over her body it led to the reality show, How’s The Weather?” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“We’re basically filming a commercial! Sure, it’s for a product that won’t be seen for months from a company that barely exists yet, but when those things finally go on sale, people will think, ‘Say, aren’t these from the factory that rejected my grandma after she stood in line all day in hopes of getting a minimum-wage job? Sure, I saw it on the 5:30 Action News Team Report! Well, whatever it is they’re selling, I’m buying one!’” –BigTed

“I want to see these two reporters sent to cover the war in Syria. ‘Sure are a lot of people lined up for food aid here.’ ‘People will line up for any food. I doubt half of them even know what they’re eating tomorrow.’ ‘Should I film this mass grave for the B-roll?’ ‘This whole war is B-roll.’” –Voshkod

“Rex thinks that a man and a woman flirting could be a problem, but his expression suggests that he genuinely doesn’t know. ‘Those two seem to be making eye contact and showing their teeth … those are signs of aggression, right? Damnit, I left my behavioral flashcards at home…’” –pugfuggly

“The E taped on the back of Mason’s chair is a nice touch. It’s condescending and it lets Mason know exactly where he stands with his studio. ‘Oh you want to change your name? How cute. No, we’re not ordering you a new chair. Here’s a Sharpie and a post-it note, Z-lister.’”–Dread

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.